unbanboobs69 - Tumblr blog

[unbanboobs69]

when my mom asked me

"Do you do it every night?"

"No."

A lie.

A lozenge on a sore throat.

A bandaid on a wound about to bleed.

A wiping of tears.

An assurance.

A lie.

A good one.

All okay. No need to fret.

What if I said yes?

[unbanboobs69]

seam

split myself open

at the seam

it’s clean and hassle free

not like real life

would be.

it’s peeling a banana

scooping an avocado

shucking corn

i shrug off my skin like and coat and let it fall off my shoulders

my bones are clean and dry and smooth

i can hold my arm in my hand like a baseball bat

and I clatter.

[unbanboobs69]

sophomore year in Chicago

I talk to my mom on facetime, my phone leant against the window pane, feeling the breeze on my face and remarking to myself

“Hey, it smells like home today.”

I make pasta with fresh parmesan, homemade cinnamon apple cinnamon roll with brown butter cream cheese frosting. I buy salmon for a recipe, I add heavy cream to my grocery list. I make brown sugar syrup to put in my coffee, even though coffee makes me sweat and I hate when I sweat.

I lay on a slightly damp cushion under a starless sky. I know it was starless, we're in the city, but for some reason I remember laying under the stars that night.

It was probably the lights. Without my glasses, the whole city looks like a galaxy up close. It looks like that with my glasses on, at times. 

I sit in the setting evening sun on a perfect, breezy, blue sky day in Grant Park, at the end of my day. My iced chai sweats onto the stone and I’m with two people I  like, and we talk about bad boyfriends and gender. I walk home to catch the sunset on my roof. 

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they’re surprised at who i am.

its strange when I notice a man’s eyes on me in a different way than before. 

One of my favorite books describes it. She knew she had them when they stopped looking past her and started looking at her. Noticing her and taking her in. 

That’s really how it is. I can tell when I have them because I'm making perfect conversation, I’m laughing harmoniously, I'm making them laugh and they’re surprised at who I am. 

Because I know who I am, and I don’t have any reason to be nervous or cautious around them, because they’re not who I’m concerned with. 

Guys think they're slick, but some of their comments make me embarrassed. 

You just said I'm the only one who makes you feel alive bro? Bro please. I know you said it jokingly but I still heard it. And you’ve been tricked.

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flirting with straight girls to feel something.

stroking the girls hair, knees touching. Then hands. Compliments. Eye contact.

She's straight. And your roommate. And you don't even want to romantically.

She's not the focus.

She's the stand in.

And she’s complimenting you a lot and staring and giggling.

Hard eye contact and your purposeful glances to her lips and back up again to her eyes.

This isn’t about her.

And you can feel it not being real because you're not nervous.

You’re not hot and thick and self conscious.

But you desperately want her to be someone possible

Why do you do this? fun? To feel it and pretend until it’s real, with someone else somewhere different?

Idiot.

[unbanboobs69]

who are the cosmos to begrudge me a kiss?

Coffee makes me sweat and I hate it but what if someone doesn’t mind.

My feet get cold and I wear socks at night, but what if they like that?

I could hold their hand and hold it between us and swing it with mine, and i could have exorbitantly more hugs daily than i have now (0).

and maybe im not ready and the worst that can happen is I'm scarred for ife, but who are the Cosmos to begrudge me a Kiss?

[unbanboobs69]

lately I've been thinking about perspective. maybe my disconnect has made it harder than usual to perceive myself, but I can’t really. I can’t even picture myself.

I just want to hear now every one sees me, and it when they say "cool" or "pretty" theh mean those words in the way I do. I still think in terms of

highschool , "popular" vs "unpopular”.

Do I look like the girls in Disney Original movies? The unattainable, have it all girls?

When people see me, do they go, “she's pretty?" Do they experience the instantaneous judgement I do?

"They are naturally pretty, born and woke up like this pretty.”

Does my bone structure please them?

Are my features digestible?

Once I looked in the mirror while

I didn't recognize myself, and I thought

“Why do i ever think I’m not beautiful?”

I’m looking and i see beauty. I told myself to never doubt it again. But i do. Because what if my taste is bad? Which brings up the question of

“is my taste the only taste that matters?”

being unenlightened, that feels lonely. Being confident feels lonely and unsure, because I’m afraid of being wrong. I’m terrified everyone’s lying to me about every part of me, and all I know about myself is wrong. Cause you can never really tell can you.

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are you ready?

i had a dream last night

i was in a bedroom, and i heard shooting, and i knew whoever was coming was coming for the bedroom with no exits and no hiding places

and i laid on my side on the floor, straining my face and chest towards the ground in an attempt to save my vital organs, and I remember thinking

are you ready?

are you ready to feel the pain of a bullet cutting through your muscle and reaching bone? It’s finally happening. You’d always thought it would. And now that lingering wondering question of what would it feel like? Is about to be answered. Are you prepared? Are you scared?

I’m terrified.

[unbanboobs69]

oranges

the thought of oranges as a metaphor for selfless, pure, unadulterated love is one of my favorites

i think orange as a color is perfect for love

I don’t even like it that much, but have you ever seen a sky so orange it was almost burnt at the edges

or a soft orange shirt with nice round buttons

an armchair in the sun, the seat bleached almost peach while the arms stay tangerine

orange is what love feels like, every day love, love you feel in the laughs shared with friends or when you see the world at just the right angle to remind you that life is worth living and so so delicious

juice flowing over fingers and nails digging into waxy skin, the stickiness lingering even after you wash your hands

id love to share an orange with you, my love

[unbanboobs69]

Tree branch bones

I reach out and I’m so close to being gone

my skin dripping from my tree branch bones

like algae hanging off a swamp trunk or

a carpet of moss laid over a hill

my shoulders feel so rattly, crackly, they clatter like dominoes on tile

like bone on bone

i am made of eggshells and I’m stronger than steel and i want to be cracked in half and put back together better than I was before

[unbanboobs69]

don’t you ever feel

like a tiny little ghost

with pattering bare feet and an utter lack of trepidation

skidding on lacquered floors to bump into plaster walls that scuff easily, your mother counts every one

I’m a tiny little ghost, sometimes

my sheet just long enough to reach my knees, but not past my fingertips

I’m growing, or

so I’ve been told

and my sheet is white and dry and clean

for now

[unbanboobs69]

you

I swallowed your bark and turned it into bite 

Inhaling your gusts like I’m not shaking 

I wish to sit you down and show you the rot that lives, creeping up my stomach, adhering to my spine like moss, and blooming in my chest 

The seeds you watered with the spit that flew from your screaming, twisted mouth

Droplets turn to daggers that twist their way to the heart

How can they turn like that? How can they creep through meat like worms in dirt to pierce the one muscle that I’ve tried to shield the most? Don’t you know how hard I work to hold it safe in my soft hands, cradling it like the baby you once loved? 

Fuck you

My anger shimmers like oil in a pan waiting to snap on a wrist reaching for the handle and it’s your fault I can’t fry 

It’s in the dungeon of somewhere deep, maybe living in my womb, and it threatens to tear out my throat on its way out to scream

Or maybe it’s just a small, warm, life giving flame, and I’ve turned it into a monster that resembles you, now that I look closer at it 

I can only whisper that anger is not a negative emotion to myself so many times 

[unbanboobs69]

I’ve been having a lot of dreams about dying recently

i always expect it to hurt. It doesn’t. I always think I’m gonna panic. I don’t.

one time i think i was drowning. It felt like my mouth and nose were being stuffed with cotton, and then all of a sudden I didn’t need to breathe. It all blacked out and I was free.

last night i was in a battle. I think i was a civilian. They gave me a powder to make sure i was dead, and I felt my limbs grow stiff. I could feel everything filling up again with nothing, and I closed my eyes to wait for the next life. But then I could move again. And I got up and I lived.

so far death has felt like an encroaching of everything until nothing is left because when you’re dead, you don’t need anything. Not very poetic, but I can feel the sensation even now. I wonder how I’ll die next dream.

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I’m obsessed with the little tidbits of mind blowing writing i find whilst scrolling Pinterest in an attempt to move my doom scrolling from platform to platform

The posts are always in the perfect font, a nice color to the paper or background or whatever, and just succinct enough to look at for a while before slipping into an imaginary bath of existentialism (in my head)

And i so desperately want to be that for someone.

i just read a piece by rayne fisher-quann about how women, even while spiraling, have a natural instinct to glamorize their struggle. Like eating a piece of dark chocolate while crying because it looks good in your head.

I can’t help but wish i had thought of that first, but I didn’t, and that’s fine. I got introduced to this cool writer instead who somehow knows the inside of my brain without ever having touched it.

anyways.

i went on a date I can’t talk about yet because it’s so sacred in my brain that it’s behind a pane of class that I sporadically rest my fingers on longingly, as a woman does. And I found out my attachment style is the worst if you ever want to have successful relationship.

I’m faking sanity so my insanity won’t ruin it all for me. For us. 4 deep breaths and a sip of water and it might all be normal and chemically regulated. Unlikely but a girl can hope.

[unbanboobs69]

I want to be selfish with you

swallow you whole

chew you up

keep you safe

just for me.

this feels real fucking pretentious so bare with me and my silly little tags

[unbanboobs69]

Welcome

If you're anything like me, you like to think that the stuff that you pull from your brain and slap onto paper or a screen or whatever surface you may have in front of you may be valuable to someone other than yourself

Thus, feeling like billie eilish on that ellen episode, i found myself googling how exactly one would go about creating a blog

I tried to look into wordpress, and then realized any more effort than that would make me want to walk into the ocean

Then I remembered tumblr exists, and while I'm skeptical about whether or not this will go anywhere here, I'm sick of living in an echo chamber

I desperately want more eyes on the stuff I think is good, and I also can't help but want a place to put the clumps of words that escape the constant current of deafening thoughts that rocket around my head like that scene in Finding Nemo and stick to the walls of my skull for easy retrieval.

So hello, how are you, and goodbye

sincerly,

unbanboobs69