unbelievablyfree - Tumblr blog

[unbelievablyfree]

It’s been months since I last wrote here, or anywhere really, and it’s not that I have nothing to say. In face it’s the opposite. my head and heart are all over the place and I don’t know where to begin,and if I begin, I may never stop. four days ago I was broken up with, two nights ago my world collapsed. I spent Saturday night with the man who claimed to love me. what started out beautifully, with the promise of hope and change, quickly turned into the reason for my nightmares. sitting at the lookout and talking, an argument developed. I was so completely exhausted from a days adventuring I asked to be taken home. He refused, taking me to his place. again I asked to go home. again he refused. the longer this carried on the more distressed I became. crying hysterically and begging him to stop. he remained calm and emotionless. no acknowledgement or empathy towards my desperate pleas. It was the middle of the night, and he promised me if I gave him three minutes to explain he would take me home. the explanation was disjointed, he wanted to push me away and hurt me to the extent that I would never forgive or take him back. after the three minutes I softly whispered to him that I wanted to go home. He suddenly flipped, telling me he wasn’t going to. that he was a liar. a cheater. a scumbag. all names I had called him after past situations in which he had hurt me, abused my love and destroyed my trust. I have never in my life felt so afraid. to see someone who I thought I knew, who I believed cared, remain unphased by my extreme distress. that it didn’t register or sway him. flashbacks to the night I was drunk in a car with a guy, no phone in the middle of nowhere, and he calmly told me he could rape me or murder me and there was nothing I could do about it. I felt helpless and alone. his behaviour was so out of character I didn’t know what he was capable of. eventually he drove me home, but as I went inside he stuck his foot in the door. refusing to leave. I was apologising over and over. tears streaming down my face telling him I understood and had learnt my lesson and he could stop punishing me. I couldn’t breathe or think straight. he was telling me he wouldn’t leave until I promised to ring him, I promised. but still he was unmoving. I shut the door on his foot, and he woke the dog. knowing others would soon wake he left. only to knock on my door multiple times for the following two days. home alone this morning fear crippled me. I crawled from the hallway to ring the police. I have a protection order for the next five days. I won’t see or hear from him. but my heart is broken. I am hurting for myself, for believing that my love could change someone. that kindness and forgiveness could overpower pain. that if only I was lovely and loving to the best of my abilities he might want to treat me better. I’m hurting that I’ve lost so much of myself in the process. and I’m hurting most for the beautiful future I envisioned with him. all the plans we made. I’m hurting for him. for the pain he doesn’t know how to deal with. for the way he is unable to truly understand the depth of the situation. that he felt the need to punish me, to point out the ugly in others without realising it was his actions and words that caused it. hurting because tomorrow he turns 25 and all I wanted was for him to feel loved and believe that the day he was born was one worth acknowledging and celebrating. I’m empty. I’m broken. I’m lost and I’m afraid. I have suffered months of abuse, cried myself to sleep countless nights. given chance after chance, even when I said this was the last time. accepted treatment that would leave me shaken and sick if it was happening to anyone else I knew. but I have to believe this is for the best. I can’t save everyone. tears are streaming down my face as I write this. and I don’t know what the future holds. I want to believe there is reason for this. that like every other trauma in my life, hindsight will shine a light. beauty will come from this brokenness. and everything will work out for the better. for him, and for I. whether that means together or apart. I am free.

[unbelievablyfree]

i swear to god, men raising their voice is the most terrifying thing in the whole world. they dont understand, like its an immediate panic response, game over

[unbelievablyfree]

Meds I’ve taken:

Fluoxetine

Citalopram

Venlafaxine

Lorazepam

Zopiclone

Quetiapine

Amisulpride

Promethazine

Epilim

Olanzapine

Clonazepam

Escitalopram

Side effects I’ve experienced:

memory loss

extreme weight gain

disconnection

Mania

tremors

Bleeding nose

Lethargy

Increased appetite

Suppressed appetite

Agitation

Constipation

lactation

blurred vision

Confusion

Night terrors

Insomnia

Tachycardia

Fatigue

These lists are not exhaustive, and I’m guaranteed to have forgotten some things. I might be struggling, but I refuse to go back. That place was a living nightmare and I’m so afraid. No meds for me, I’m doing just fine ;)

[unbelievablyfree]

Today in science we learned that you can never gain cold, you can only have an absence of heat; and it made me think that maybe hatred doesn’t exist, and there’s only an absence of love.

[unbelievablyfree]

The single most beautiful phrase you’ll ever hear is not “I love you”, “I need you”, “I miss you”, or “I want you” coming out of another person’s mouth. It is the sound of your own voice finally being able to say, “I’m okay.”

Sade Andria Zabala | Thought Of The Day (via surfandwrite)

[unbelievablyfree]

1. If he doesn’t answer, don’t keep sending texts. If he wanted to talk to you, he would’ve responded. 2. People will make time for you when they care about you. If he says he’s too busy or constantly cancels his plans, he doesn’t care. People fight for you when they care. 3. Don’t let him touch you on the first date. If he tries, he’s not there for the same reasons you are. 4. You can tell a lot about a person by their favorite book. 5. If he can stomach more than ten straight shots without feeling a thing, he drinks too much. 6. Ask the uncomfortable things. When was the last time he was so high he couldn’t speak? What does he regret the most? Does he drink to remember or to forget? 7. Don’t send pictures unless you want to. If he has to talk you into it, don’t do it. If you hesitate, don’t do it. If you do take a picture, don’t include your face. Keep yourself safe. 8. If you can’t laugh when you’re having sex with him, maybe you aren’t sleeping with the right person. Sex isn’t about tricks and tips and routines. 9. If he hurts you, cut him out. He’s gone, he isn’t coming back, and you don’t need to prolong the pain. 10. Don’t be afraid to open up again. I promise not everyone will love you with a knife behind their back.

Boy advice from someone who made the same mistakes too often (via spiritdxsire)

[unbelievablyfree]

In a relationship, you need somebody who’s going to call you out, not somebody who’s going to let everything slide. You need somebody who doesn’t want to live without you, but can. Not somebody that is dependent, but somebody who is stronger with you. A relationship is two people, not one.

(via elauxe)

[unbelievablyfree]

confession

sometimes I send him snapchats just to see his face.

[unbelievablyfree]

Notes to Thirteen Year Old Girls

When your best friend tells you all she had for breakfast Was a packet of Splenda and a Diet Coke, And she tells you that she’ll stop after she loses five more pounds, Do not believe her. Tell her mother. It does not matter how angry your friend gets. The pain of that will always be preferable to the pain Of seeing your best friend in four years Weighing as much as she does now Half-dead in the hospital.

When your father sneaks into your bed in the dead of the night, And he tells you that this is how fathers love their daughters, Do not believe him. Tell your English teacher. She will have read millions of stories of girls like you. There is a one in six chance that she will be a girl like you. There is a five in six chance that she will know what to say to you. There is a six in six chance that she will help you.

When your veins whisper to you in the moonlight And say that there are so many nightmares inside you That could be free If you would just open your arms, Do not believe them. Tell your school’s guidance counselor, No matter how scared you are Because whispers are liars, And opening your arms will only open the passage For more nightmares to climb in.

And when the therapists say that you are better, Totally better, And you don’t need to worry about the sadness again, Do not believe them. Always be cautious, because sadness has a way Of sneaking up on you When you’re not looking. Be careful. Be careful.

[unbelievablyfree]

Tell me every terrible thing you ever did, and let me love you anyway.

(via hefuckin)

[unbelievablyfree]

“A Cat’s Guide To Taking Care of Your Human” 

[unbelievablyfree]

What people think mental hospitals are like

What mental hospitals are actually like

[unbelievablyfree]

Hi I'm sort of a random person who was scrolling through(sorry maybe that's kind of weird?) and saw that you were having a rough time right now! I want to start by saying that you are absolutely gorgeous and also that you seem like a lovely person!!! Know that things get better and keeping as positive as possible will only speed up the process! I hope your situation improves and you start feeling OK again!

you honestly have no idea how much this message means to me. I really wish you weren't anon. I really don't have words, but it's truly a beautiful feeling to be noticed because it's too easy to feel invisible amidst chaos. thank you. xxx

[unbelievablyfree]

I'm sorry I barely use tumblr these days, I guess I just feel too distant, like there's no point in posting anything because no one cares anyway. Things have been pretty crazy lately; I had to remove a person Is considered one of my best friends from my life and I'm fighting some really tough things in therapy. Sorry.

[unbelievablyfree]

New years adventures... Tongariro crossing, hot pools, fishing competition, champagne pools, floating picnics, bouncy castles, lakeside escapades, hangi, fort building, birthday parties, driving lessons, camping, food, friends, and family!

[unbelievablyfree]

follow me on instagram for semi-regular life updates xx

[unbelievablyfree]

i think freckles, stretch marks, tattoos, bruises, birthmarks and scars are probably the coolest thing, you started with almost a blank canvas and look at u now, all this evidence that you’ve lived and the sun has shone on you and you’ve grown and maybe tripped up a few times and liked an image so much u made it a permanent part of u, beautiful.