unbrokenrivers

[unbrokenrivers]

Healing from Fearful-Avoidant Attachment and Commitment Fear

I've been thinking a great deal lately about healing my Fearful-Avoidant attachment style and commitment fear. Actually, it's probably more accurate to say I'm commitment phobic, because the intensity of my anxiety can be pretty debilitating sometimes.

I had an experience recently where someone I met long-distance on a dating app asked to be exclusive with me. The first time he asked, I said I was open but unsure. Part of the reason was that we hadn't met in person yet. But the second time he asked, two months later, I finally said yes.

Then I started noticing that my anxiety was steadily increasing day by day, and after a couple of weeks it reached a point where my insomnia was getting worse too. I kept increasing my beta blockers (anxiety meds) but even at the maximum dose, I wasn't sleeping very well and waking up feeling properly rested.

I tried a lot of other strategies like meditation, seeing my therapist, EFT tapping and every other tool I could think of, but nothing seemed to work. It was like I hit a wall.

Eventually I surrendered and told the guy that I had to go back on my commitment to be exclusive, because it triggered severe anxiety and insomnia for me. I must admit, it was kind of embarrassing and felt a bit like a failure.

Maybe on some level my gut instincts and intuition were speaking and letting me know something that I needed to listen to... and maybe there were some real concerns I should have paid more attention to. Maybe my heart just wasn't fully in it and that wasn't fair on either of us.

But I felt my anxiety and insomnia symptoms were really extreme and out of proportion to the circumstances. I want to make decisions from a more grounded, calm place - not a place of being unable to cope or function day to day.

It's hard when it feels like you're doing everything you can possibly think of... all the trauma therapies, bodywork, reading the books, online courses, and more... and still, the anxiety is often such an intense struggle.

It doesn't help that avoidant people are often demonised online too, as if we're all out to cause hurt and heartbreak to the rest of the population of secure and anxiously attached folks. I don't think many people are ready to accept that someone can be working on themselves to the greatest extent they possibly can and taking all the medications they can handle, and it may not easily or quickly change things.

Are we ready to have that conversation? I feel like articles and online discussions seem to assume that going to therapy will solve everything and that working on yourself is a quick fix. My experience is that it just isn't.

That's not to say it's hopeless - I've come a long way in my trauma and attachment healing journey. I've made huge strides. And yet, I still bump up against my internal walls like this at times, and sometimes it doesn't feel like I'm left with many choices.

Does this mean I'm actually polyamorous, or ethically non-monogamous? Or a relationship anarchist? I'm not sure, to be honest. I have dated a few poly/ENM/RA people in the past, but I don't think this necessarily means I'm wired to be poly/ENM/RA. That said, I do think it's potentially a useful structure and framework for people like me who struggle with feeling trapped or triggered by exclusivity.

I think in my case it also has something to do with prescriptive versus descriptive hierarchy. I find prescriptive hierarchies and labels tend to create more anxiety because it seems like they lead to certain expectations or pressures, which I may or may not be able to fulfill long-term. Whereas descriptive hierarchy is more about describing what is already there - which is how most people already categorise their platonic friendships anyway.

For example, we don't normally walk up to someone and decide "you'll be my best friend - let's commit to spending x number of days per month together". Normally it's something that evolves in a more organic way over time, and one day we might say "yeah that person is my best friends/one of my best friends" as we reflect on how close we have become over time.

Anyway, I'm definitely a work in progress, and I found the "Love Without Emergency" series by Clementine Morrigan was quite helpful. While it's quite focused on polyamory, I found many of the concepts applicable to any relationship style, and just for healing Complex PTSD, trauma and attachment issues.

Morrigan's work has helped me find a great deal of self acceptance and compassion about being avoidant, so I'm learning to honour my own needs and boundaries more... without shame or guilt.

[unbrokenrivers]

Grieving Friendshifts and the Complexity of Platonic Connection

I'm starting this blog as I want to give myself a little corner of the internet where I can write freely and anonymously. I guess I want a space to explore and experiment without worrying about what my friends or family would think - a space to be myself.

It's been a challenging week for me, with a number of ups and downs. One of the hard things I've been navigating is grief around a changing friendship. One of my close friends just found a partner and I haven't heard from them nearly as much as I used to, which has been painful.

On the one hand, I am truly happy for them and glad they found someone who seems like a good match. On the other hand, I miss their friendship, and I know it won't be the same now. Most people don't have the bandwidth to maintain their close friendships at the same level of frequency and closeness after finding a partner.

This is something I've had to navigate with multiple friends throughout my adult life, and it's always been difficult for me. I tend to get deeply attached to my friends... sometimes even more than those I have dated or had sex with. I guess for me, sexual intimacy doesn't always measure the depth and intensity of a connection.

I think it's hard also realising I may be somewhere on the asexual spectrum. I've toyed with labels like demisexual, grey ace and aceflux. I'm not quite sure, but I seem to have a different experience of sex, romance, attachment and friendship to the average person.

I've always been open to the idea of a platonic/nonsexual life partner, whereas most people would never even consider that. I've been wondering how to find likeminded people, so I have tried dating people in the asexual community, but that has been tricky in its own way.

Having said all that... friendships always ebb and flow, and I've found it's not always due to friends falling in love and getting into romantic partnerships. I've lost friendships or had friendships fade for all kinds of reasons.

Probably the main reason for friendships dissipating, other than romance, has been due to friends dealing with mental illness. Other reasons have included interpersonal conflicts/ruptures, changes in values or beliefs (especially around religion and faith), moving to another city, etc.

I've become a lot more comfortable on my own generally, but in moments like these, I still struggle a bit with the lack of stability and security in my relational connections. It would be nice to have one person, or a few people, I could steadily rely on. It's hard feeling like the ground is always shifting beneath me, and I can't fully relax.

In moments like these I'm very thankful I have practices like my devotional rituals, my creative art and my nervous system regulation tools to draw upon. I'm also thankful for the broader community around me that is still there, even as individual connections ebb and flow.

But I don't want to bypass the grief entirely. I want to allow it, surrender to it. Even romanticise it. I find allowing myself to feel it fully and romanticise it a bit helps. I like going to beautiful places and listening to sad music, as it gives a certain dignity and beauty to the feelings.

I also find the grief of changing friendships is confusing and complex because often the friendship doesn't completely end. You never know when the person will return or what new form the connection will evolve into. So there is sadness, but there is also some uncertainty. This can be a wonderful thing, as there is possibility and potential.

Yet it can also make the grief process a bit more convoluted and hard to fully acknowledge or make sense of. After all we think, does it make sense to grieve if the person is still in our lives in some capacity? Even if far less close than before? Often there is no clear ending or closure. I think grief and sadness is still valid, but it can definitely be tricky to get our heads and hearts around.

It's also tricky to figure out how to handle things if the friend breaks up with their newfound partner and wants to pick up where they left off, and act like nothing happened. It can be disorienting and we may not always be able to go back to how things were before, as the trust that existed previously may not be the same.

Sometimes we may need to have a conversation about it, but I don't think that's always the right path. Life is complex and it's not always easy to know how to discuss these shifts.

I don't have any easy answers, but for anyone who feels sad when a friendship ends or changes unrecognisably, know you are not alone. There is nothing pathetic or weak or desperate about deeply caring and attaching to friends. There is nothing wrong or misguided about valuing platonic bonds, as love transcends sex and romance.

Please be kind and gentle with yourself, and give yourself lots of patience and compassion. It may not take away the sadness or change your circumstances, but at least you won't be adding an extra burden to an already difficult situation. Give yourself all the grace you need.