unfilteredrealities

[unfilteredrealities]

On my free days I got down with a viral infection cold and am trying my best currently to get healthy again.

Atm the coughing is bad and I already have sore chest and lungs from coughing this much and heavy.

But I managed to go outside and sit in the yard and get fresh air. I managed on Saturday to go to a brunch in some village at the end of the world (figuratively speaking at the end of the world) and sat there and breathed in the clean air in less polluted place. That was really nice because I think that helped.

Today I didn’t do much yet but I might go outside in the garden when it’s not that hot anymore.

I’m grateful and thankful that I somehow managed to get sick when I had a 4 day weekend basically enough time to get back healthy again or at least almost. The worst is over. Now the cough and the nose and the body aches and weakness is there still but the worst aka the fever is over.

I woke up this morning as well and felt content and in a good mood so that’s good at least.

[unfilteredrealities]

its crazy how teeth problems can fucking kill you and not only are dental services not free they cost a ludicrous amount and require an entirely different type of insurance than the rest of ur body. aside from the eyes, of course, which need a third type of insurance. What are we even doing man

[unfilteredrealities]

I can't talk right now. I'm recovering from the Mortifying Ordeal of completing a single task.

[unfilteredrealities]

Hey, if you’re not as mentally quick as you used to be because of your illness- that’s okay. If you’re can’t think as fast or handle as many tasks that’s okay. You aren’t stupid, you aren’t unintelligent, and you aren’t less worthy of love or respect. It’s okay that your brain won’t or can’t go back to how it used to be. It’s different now, but it’s okay.

[unfilteredrealities]

Having both POTS and an anxiety disorder is so confusing and lame lmaooo.

Like yes, I have "scared silly disorder" where sometimes my heartrate will start skyrocketing over irrational and imaginary circumstances, while my "standy uppy fally downie syndrome" can't regulate my fucking heartrate, so the anxiety attack I'm about to have over NOTHING, mind you, will indubitably throw me into a flare-up, which will give me an ACTUAL reason to be anxious, making everything worse.

#not to mention it makes it a million times harder to be diagnosed as chronically ill in the first place

[unfilteredrealities]

Fun Fact: that painting in the background is by Vincent Van Gogh and is called “Woman on Her Deathbed” painted in 1883.

I was wondering why it looked so familiar and then it clicked bcs I saw the original painting irl in April this Year and now I was like having a full circle moment hèhè

[unfilteredrealities]

Hey Google, when does it get better? When does it feel like I can actually enjoy life and actually do things after work instead of being exhausted and unable to do anything anymore for my future (decluttering room for the upcoming move next spring) ???

[unfilteredrealities]

[unfilteredrealities]

chronic fatigue is such a bitch because it's not super obvious at first. it creeps up on you some days, but other days, that's just the entire day. you start your day exhausted as hell, and like yeah, you're aware that you're tired, but you blame yourself for feeling this way. it's always your fault somehow. then comes the end of the day and you realize that it was your chronic fatigue, and you blame yourself for beating yourself up all day long. you can't win

[unfilteredrealities]

[unfilteredrealities]

Artist: Hannah Hillam

[unfilteredrealities]

Today I feel horrible.

My Dysautonomia is all over the place. The POTS Gremlins weren’t kind today. I was just laying on my bed and my AW alerted me that my bpm raised over 100bpm while being inactive for a while.

When I was getting dressed today my bpm arose to 156bpm and I was feeling like I was going to collapse due to not being able to regulate my body temperature :(( and when I was at the store today my TachyMon app alerted me that my pulse was at 160bpm while I was just standing in an isle at the store. Luckily there was a bench in the store at the cash registers so I sat down and waited for my mom to come to the cash register.

Now back home, laying back down it’s a bit better again and I’m only in my underwear and my bralette bcs this is the only way I can somehow regulate my body temperature and not feel like death.

Can’t wait to go to my GP tomorrow after work. Hopefully it will go well and I will get some answers or get some referrals for a cardiologist or get a referral to get some blood work done. I’m glad my mom is coming with me and has a list with stuff from my childhood from my teen years and from now from my adulthood health stuff she noticed and stuff that are known.

I just hope I’m able to get a seat at the GP in the waiting room bcs standing feels like doing the Plank :((

[unfilteredrealities]

[unfilteredrealities]

me: *standing for a moment before i continue to walk*

my joints: “and you know, i took that personally!”

[unfilteredrealities]

“Rest before you think you need to. I’m still working on this! I’ll tell myself: ‘I can do just one more thing’ but that one more thing is often one too many… When I finally lie down to rest, it’s too late,I’m too [pain-] wired to benefit.”

[unfilteredrealities]

Constantly torn between “I can’t let this illness ruin my life” and “I need to listen to my body and let my body rest”

[unfilteredrealities]

Stretching isn't enough need to take my spine out and wring it out like a towel