I got a new psychological doctor (idk in German there are 3 different version of psychological doctors and I am honestly not really sure which kind it is zwz sorry 4 that)
Honestly she kinda reminds me of the first one I've had back in 8th grade not as horrible as her but still
At least she seems to be kinda empathetic and trys to help me in sort of ways like doctors appointments and stuff like that
BUT GIRL STOP
I have the feeling she never really listens or want to listen to the things I have or want to say
She just prescribed me new meds .-.
I mean in fact I am glad the new ones seem to be more for my actual problems (sertralin) than the old ones (fluoxetin)
However I still don't really trust her (I mean she prescribed me Olazapin for sleeping better ixuevduebdb that's actually a neurological medication-)
And honestly it makes me sad that she didn't listen since I have the feeling talking about my trauma etc would be very important atm since my mental health got worse
But well just some new meds (this actually what she somewhat wanted since we first met .. at least it seems like it)
I miss my old therapist to be honest-
She was the first one of the doctors I really trusted
I stopped counting the days I tried to sleep and still stayed awake till 2 am because I can't sleep
My thoughts are getting louder and my music that normally comforts me and helps me sleep gets quieter and quieter and quieter till I can barely hear it
I tried headphones
Different music
No music
Tried the purest of quietness I could get but
Nothing helps
I am staying awake
Rolling over and over
Cuddling my comfort plushies and everything and
Nothing works anymore
My thoughts seem ti get louder every day and aspecially night
I think
I never missed therapy as much as I do right now
And my meds that I think helped me at least a little everyday
I don't need to get up early at the moment since school hasn't started yet
But
I am still afraid school starts soon
And I can't deal with nearly no sleep getting up at 6 am go to school and then go to work till at least 8 pm
It nearly killed me
But even doing nothing kills me
Everything kills me
No matter what
I kinda just accepted it
I will never be purely be happy no matter what I do
Even in the moments I am the closest to happiness I feel it lingering
Sometimes even nearly makes me cry
Why are you so quiet?
I am sorry I am trapped in this cage
This cage of sadness and I barely even know why I am sad since everything seems to be perfect in that moment and when I look into your eyes my world should be fine but all that happens is seeing a reflection of myself and seeing my world slowly falling apart
I reached so many goals
I should be happy
I should be proud
But all that I feel is stress and sadness
The monster
This tiny bit'h that will always follow me and sit on my shoulders whispering the bad things I try to press down
The things that aren't even real
But they feel real and my brain starts to believe them