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violet-knox · 2 years

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Broken Record

Year 7 - Chapter 79

Summary: After slamming the door in your face, Severus takes a walk to cool off, finding himself in the last place he ever thought he'd go.

Word count: 4965

A/N: Ahh this chapter wasn't supposed to end like this but I couldn't help myself. Anyways, I've fallen behind on work so I will likely be taking a bit of a break. Hopefully it won't last too long and I'll try to write whenever I can.

Previous Chapter - Chapter 1

What had he just done? How could he have said those things, left like that? How could he have pushed you? This wasn’t him, this wasn’t how things were supposed to be. He wasn’t a violent person, least of all towards you. He still loved you, he would always love you and the last thing he wanted was for you to hate him. He’d felt so trapped, so smothered these past few months and as much as he hated to admit it, stepping outside those doors without you, without anyone looming over him, wanting something from him almost felt freeing. He regretted what he did, everything he said, he would take it all back in a heartbeat and he worried you wouldn’t let him if he tried, but for the first time in a long time, he felt lighter, like he’d finally managed to find the pause button on his life.

He looked back towards the door he’d slammed in your face, placing his cold palm against the aged wood, wondering how you were feeling, if he hurt you, if you felt as betrayed as he imagined. He could feel the need to open the door and beg for forgiveness, make sure you were alright, talk through everything he’d been feeling these last few months, but the small bit of freedom he felt, the selfishness that pushed him to the edge today overshadowed any logical sense of care for you. His hand slowly slipped down the door, limping lazily at his side as he slowly turned back around. He put his hands in his pockets and took a step away from the house he’d shared with you. With each step, he felt another wedge between you forming, whatever was left of your relationship cracking and breaking further into small unsalvageable pieces.

He wondered if you could see him walking away through the window, if you’d be trying to watch him through the window in the first place. He imagined you at the door, debating going after him. He imagined you crying, in tears over what he’d done. Then he imagined you storming up the stairs to pack your bags. He didn’t want to find you gone when he went back home. He didn’t want an end to your relationship, he didn’t want you to feel like he hated you. He just needed a break from the life he was living. A break from the failures, from the pressure, the sadness surrounding him at every turn. He needed a break from watching you get everything you wanted only to find himself struggling to achieve his own goals. He had plans, dreams of his own and he’d accomplished nothing. He was supposed to rule Hogwarts, find a home for himself there, find a family and he failed. He was supposed to become the best Potions Master the world would come to know, invent spells and potions and he failed.

He turned the corner and finally made it off of Spinner’s End; the endless street that seemed determined to drag him down. Maybe coming back to this place was his initial mistake. Merlin knows you were the best thing that ever happened to him, but this place, this sad little corner of Cokeworth seemed cursed. It was like an anchor attached to any potential he had, weighing him down until he drowned or cut off any potential he had, giving it up for the depressing life that came with living on that street. He never knew a single person who lived there that was happy. Everyone was broke, overworked, alcoholic or too depressed to see the sun. He told himself that wasn’t going to be him, yet here he was acting the part, yelling and snapping at the one good thing in his life.

He thought back at all the times his parents fought, the horrible way he felt when he got caught in the middle. It made him feel small, unwanted, unloved, undeserving of life and that must have been how he made you feel when you found yourself caught in the middle of him and his problems. He messed up. He did something horrible and he didn’t know how to fix it. All he could do now was keep walking. Find a way to shed this weight off of him and come clean to you, he just never thought this was how he’d try to do that. Everyone else on that damn street found themselves in this gas station at least once in their life buying nothing but liquor, so maybe it was just his turn.

He looked at the door as he stopped a few steps away. He could still turn back, but where would he go? He couldn’t face you, not after what he did. There was nowhere else for him to go. This place was a comfort to all the strays from Spinner’s End and he understood now why so many people from his street came here. It was a last resort, a shelter from the storm that brewed at each of their homes. Slowly he made his way up to the entrance, the bell above the door ringing as he pushed it open and stepped inside. It was still early, not many people in the store, but at least that meant it was quiet. Everything was stocked. Every shelf full of toxic food, every fridge filled with poisoned beverages. He walked down one of the aisles, remembering when you nearly bought half the trolly during your last trip on the Hogwarts Express, his lips twitching into the smallest of smiles as he remembered the taste of every treat you’d bought for him. You both were so happy and excited that day, you more so than him, but still. He wanted to start a life here with you, ready to conquer the world as you always said you would. It seemed like he’d lived a hundred years since then. That boy on the train is long gone, replaced with the empty shell of a man he was now.

He made it to the end of the aisle and stared down at the line of fridges. In front of him was an obnoxious line of beer, screaming at him to continue down the path he’d suddenly found himself on. But he could never stoop that low. Becoming a drunk, following in his father’s footsteps. He’d die before that ever happened. Looking towards the front at the cashier, he walked past the line of liquor and watched as the young woman working behind the counter popped her bubble gum, flipping through some Muggle magazine. Behind her was a line of cigarette packets, including the brand his father used to love when he smoked, Embassy. Spinner’s End was filled with smokers, he was sure you and he were the only ones who didn’t enjoy a few puffs every now and then. Severus was so used to the smell of a lit cigarette. When he thought of Spinner’s End, that smell was always at the forefront of his mind, a token part of the street.

He sighed as he walked up to the counter, staring at the woman who didn’t seem phased by his presence in the slightest. He felt invisible, like he wasn’t worthy enough to be acknowledged as a human being. Leaning on the counter, he asked her for the cheapest pack of cigarettes they offered. After what felt like forever, she finally looked up from her magazine and paused, staring at him as if just now realising he’d spoken.

“You don’t look like a smoker.” She smirked at him, looking him up and down. Severus looked at her in confusion. He was surprised she made such a comment, wondering why she even bothered to care. One second she has her face buried in a magazine and the next she’s making assumptions about him like she’d been analysing him from the second he walked through the door.

“Why do you care?” Severus grunted as he began to grow impatient with her. Was she incapable of performing the simple task of fetching a packet of cigarettes and exchanging it for some money? As far as he was aware, judging other people wasn’t part of her job description.

“Just an observation,” she said as she grabbed the pack, laying it flat on the counter. She slid it over to him but kept hold of it as Severus reached to take it from her. “You know, you really shouldn’t start smoking. It can be a nasty habit to kick.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” Severus grunted as he snatched the packet from her, surprising her as she jumped back. Her smirk faded as disappointment settled onto her face, counting the money Severus had slammed onto the counter in return. Great, yet another person he’d disappointed, another person judging him for his failures and bad choices.

He quickly made his way out before she could say anything else and turned the corner, walking towards the back of the station. Looking down at the cigarette packet, he started wondering how life had brought him to this moment. How could he go from that eager, excited boy, ready to build a life, propose to the person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with to this sad man, snapping at anyone who spoke to him, about to smoke at the back of a gas station. He opened the packet and removed one of the cigarettes, stuffing the rest of them in his pocket. It felt weird to hold between his thumb and index finger, lighter than he’d imagined, like it was offering to take the weight he carried off of his shoulders, at least for a little while.

He placed the end between his lips and took out his wand, lighting it with a silent spell. Inhaling, he closed his eyes and let all his thoughts drift away from him. For a moment, he left his burdens behind, letting go of his worries and just gave in to the escape he’d found. He took in another breath and exhaled before he leaned back and let himself slide down against the concrete wall. He stared at the lit cigarette sitting between his fingers and felt tears trickling at the corner of his eyes. Everything he hated about his childhood, everything he set out to avoid when he grew up was happening like it was some curse. He was still living on Spinner’s End, he was jobless, he’d taken up one of his father’s nasty habits and he was sure you were about to leave him after what happened this morning.

Tears began streaming uncontrollably down his face as he hung his hand over his knee, letting the cigarette burn between his fingers. He shouldn’t have kept things to himself, he shouldn’t have sent that letter two weeks ago. There was nothing more that he wanted at this moment than to have a do-over of the last couple of months. He would do everything differently if he was given the chance, talked to you, listened to you, kept his head down. Maybe then he wouldn’t feel like this, maybe then he would still be happy.

He thought about all the mistakes he’d made over the last few years, all the regrets he had and none of it ever fell on you, yet you were the one who had to endure the backlash of his own pain. It wasn’t fair to you, any of it and he had to try to fix whatever was left of his relationship with you because he wasn’t sure he’d be able to survive without it. Dropping what remained of the cigarette, he stood up and put it out before he began to make his way home. With his hands in his pockets, he held the cigarette packet, tracing its outline with his index finger as he began to wonder how he could even begin to apologise. What words were big enough to let you know how he felt about you, about how he treated you, about everything. He was nothing without you. He would crumble in an instance if you left him and he could only pray Merlin would give him the strength to fix things with you.

Time would only tell now. All he had to do was open the door and behold the aftermath of the morning, see how his outburst had hurt you and left your home tainted. He stood there unable to move. How could he when he was so afraid of what would come after he opened the door. Toxic images burned in his head. Would you leave him, have your bags packed? Would you be there ready to tell him off, start a fight? He didn’t want that. He just wanted to apologise, to ask for your forgiveness and explain everything to you. He wanted to share his side of things, to show you how he felt, to tell you he loved you more than anything and that nothing could excuse the words he said this morning. But he worried that the moment he opened the door, the speech he prepared on his way home would disappear from his mind, leaving him with nothing but his uncontrolled emotions.

Slowly he turned the doorknob, his heart pounding rapidly against his chest as he peered into the house. Nothing had changed. The curtains were still closed, the fireplace still roaring, his letter and ink still spilled on the table. The only thing out of place was you. You were on the floor, facing the fireplace with your back against the couch and a glass of firewhiskey in your hand. Neither of you ever drank heavily. That bottle was a gift you’d brought back from one of your trips, he couldn’t remember which one. You’d both joked that that bottle would sit in your cupboard untouched, outliving you both, yet here you were sitting with a glass of that liquid in your hand. He was afraid to move, like if he did, he’d startle you and scare you away.

As quietly as he could, he entered the house and closed the door behind him, turning around to find you hadn’t moved a muscle. Were you aware of his presence? You had to be, the door wasn’t silent, and he knew a breeze followed him inside before he could close the door. Why hadn’t you moved? Cautiously, he removed his jacket, without taking his eyes off of you before very slowly making his way over towards you. He swallowed hard when he saw the dried stream of tears on your cheeks and your red eyes staring blankly into the fire. He fought hard to remember all the words he wanted to say to you; I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. But as soon as he took a seat beside you, they’d all evaporated from his mind.

“(Y/N).” He choked on your name, his throat drying up as it closed in on itself. His body fought against him, knowing his words were what caused this. He could feel his mind fighting against him, as if anticipating any more words would make everything worse. But he had to do something. There was no way he would be able to live with himself if he didn’t try to fix what happened this morning. “Th-there are no words to tell you how much I regret what I did this morning. I-I shouldn’t have snapped at you, I shouldn’t have pushed you, I shouldn’t have said any of those things, and I swear to you, I didn’t mean them. I’m sorry.”

Severus stared at you wide eyed, waiting for some sort of response, verbal or otherwise. But you didn’t move a single muscle. It was as if he hadn’t said a word. You didn’t wince, didn’t even acknowledge that he’d come back. The longer he waited, the slower the seconds passed by, taunting him as he silently begged for you to say something, or at the very least show some sign of life.

“(Y/N)?” He said softly, reaching for your shoulder. His hand hovered inches away from you. He was too scared to touch you after what he did this morning. He knew what it was like to feel abused by someone who was supposed to love them, and feeling that way was the last thing he wanted for you. He couldn’t stand the thought of you seeing him the way his parents saw one another growing up. He’d promised himself he would be better than them, yet here he was making the same mistakes.

He put his hand back down at his side and waited patiently. Whatever you decided to do, he would accept. If you decided never to speak to him again, to walk away and pretend he didn’t exist, he would accept it. After what felt like hours, he finally saw you move ever so slowly as you placed the glass in your hand on the coffee table beside his ruined letter. He watched you with wide eyes, attentive to every move you made, hoping you would speak.

“You know, I’ve never drunk so much alcohol in my life. I never thought I’d have a reason to,” you finally said. After everything that had happened, everything he said, that was all you could come up with to say. All your thoughts, your rage, fear, disappointment, sadness were jumbled up in your head, leaving you feeling completely empty, a hole you’d tried to fill with a few drinks, trying to find a way to organise your emotions. You didn’t know what more to say because you didn’t know how to feel about his apology. You wanted to believe it was sincere, but you also couldn’t believe that Severus would ever speak to you the way he did this morning, pushing you away like that. After all these years together, you thought you knew him, you thought nothing could break what you had, that you knew him. How could you have missed the fact he was struggling to this degree? Were you really so oblivious to all the signs?

Before you could say anything more, you saw Severus reach into his jacket pocket at the corner of your eye. He placed something down beside your glass and when he removed his hand to reveal the object, your mouth dropped open in shock. After all those stories he told you about his childhood, after everything he’d told you about Spinner’s End, he left you this morning in a complete wreck to buy cigarettes?

“I-I never thought I’d smoke before,” Severus said softly. He felt his heart pounding against his chest as he felt himself take a step back into the right direction. He’d started sharing the truth with you, an action he felt guilty about and he wasn’t hiding it from you. He knew this was nothing in comparison to everything else he had to tell you, but at least he was making some sort of progress.

You looked at the items you both ran off to for comfort instead of each other and felt pity. You pitted him, you pitted yourself and you pitted your relationship. You both messed up and it was your relationship, your souls that suffered. Instead of trying to fix things between yourselves, make up for the mistakes, the secrets, you both attempted to numb the pain and escape in your own way. You found yourself laughing at the situation. You laughed at the fact that you’d both mirrored each other’s actions so well, maybe you truly were meant for each other. Perhaps you were meant to endure each other’s pain together for the rest of your lives, inflecting it on one another and then process it together like you were doing now. What did that say about either of you? Were neither of you invested in building a good relationship? Did you both feel deep down that pain was easier to digest alone? Your laughter quickly turned to cries of sadness, tears streaming down your cheeks as you thought about the happy memories you used to share together. You used to love spending time with him like this, sitting somewhere in the sitting room, talking the night away until one of you fell asleep in the other’s arms. You loved the feeling of waking up in the middle of the night to find that Severus had taken you upstairs to bed, tucked in right beside him. All those memories, all that happiness was taken away by a few hours of yelling, drinking and smoking.

Severus didn’t know what to think when he heard you laughing. He watched you giggle when he put down the carton of cigarettes as if he’d just told you these past two years had been a dream. He was confused and could do nothing but stare until he finally understood. It wasn’t laughter that he heard, it was just more pain covered up by the need for everything to go back to the way things were. He wanted so badly to hold you in his arms when he saw the river of tears pouring from your eyes, to rock you back and forth, cry with you and tell you things were going to be okay, that you would both get through this together. He felt his eyes water as he resisted the urge to reach for you, feeling unworthy of such a privilege after what he’d done that morning. Still, he couldn’t help himself, his hand compulsively reaching for you as he fought back the tears.

“(Y/N),” he whispered your name, pain echoing through his voice as he gently placed a hand on your shoulder, his heart pounding so fast, waiting to see how you would react. A tear rolled down his cheeks at the mess you’d become because of him, because of what he’d said and done. It tore him apart to see you like this and only made the pain he felt worse knowing he was to blame. He watched patiently as you tried so hard to fight the tears and gather yourself, relieved that you didn’t immediately repel back at his touch.

“How did we get to this point, Severus?” you whispered to him as you took in a few breaths while wiping away your tears. Severus stared at you with a frown, his hand falling from your shoulder back to his lap as he thought about your question. Had things seemed so well for you these last two years that you hadn’t noticed him spiralling out of control? Had you not considered the impact your trips had on your relationship? He didn’t want to tell you he resented your trips, he didn’t want you to feel like you were to blame. But he knew he couldn’t lie or tiptoe around the subject any longer. What happened today could never happen again and he had to do everything he could to make sure your relationship didn’t expire before the day ended.

“Truthfully? I think it started the day our careers took us on separate paths,” he continued on his mission to come clean to you and it took you by surprise. You turned your head towards him as you gave him your full attention, your eyes wide with curiosity about what he meant. You knew your travels would put a strain on your relationship, you weren’t a fool. But you thought you’d found a way to get through it together, that the time you spent together when you came back, the time you spent writing to one another made up for the distance your careers put between you. “I feel apart when you left for your first practice. We made things work, at least we tried. But every day I had to live alone in this house tore me apart. I couldn’t stand it.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?” You said with a frown, thinking about all the pain he’d gone through, all the pain you’d neglected to notice, or didn’t bother noticing while you were coming and going at your leisure. You wanted to take back these last two years, to redo them over again so that your relationship wouldn’t have suffered as much as it did. But all you could do now was try and be better. You had to find a way to compromise, to follow your dreams without your relationship suffering in the process.

“I didn’t want to upset you, I didn’t want to be selfish. I just wanted to enjoy your company while you were here,” Severus said truthfully, now regretting the fact that he didn’t speak up. Any hurt feels or arguments you would have had back then would have been better than this. Now, because of what he didn’t say, here you both were suffering for it.

Your eyes watered as you heard his words and finally realised after all these years what you’d truly asked him to do when you asked to move in with him. You thought you were asking to build a life with him from nothing, but you’d asked instead for him to build a life with you with his childhood trauma as a foundation when you both moved into this house. You thought travelling and letting Severus focus on his studies benefited both your careers when instead, you’d asked him to endure the memories these walls reminded him of when he was alone by himself. You’d neglected him like his parents and it pained him more than he was willing to admit.

“Sev, I’m so sorry. You never should have felt that way. I-I should have been there for you, I never realised-” A tear ran down your cheek as you took in a breath, thinking about all the repression he’d been going through these past two years without considering talking to you. “You are more important to me than my career.”

“So are you,” Severus said desperately as he leaned in closer. He wanted so badly to forget about the last few months, to go back to being happy with you, to focusing on your love and your perfect future together, but he knew that wasn’t how life worked. Even if he managed to make things up with you, life was waiting behind him to knock him down some more. But at least if he had you on his side, he’d be stronger when facing whatever came his way. “But I don’t want to let you down. I don’t want you to be ashamed of me. I felt like I neededto honour my mother, to make you proud, like if I didn’t find a good job, I’d fail you both.”

“Severus, I want you to succeed in everything you do because I want you to be happy, not to take pride in you. I already take pride in you, Sev.” Your eyes softened for the first time today as you finally felt your love for him returning. The pain you felt had almost disappeared when you heard his sincerity and saw the remorse he felt. It hurt to hear how ignorant you’d been all this time, but you were glad he’d spoken up and you could only hope it wouldn’t take something like what happened this morning to keep the honesty between you going forward.

“I’m so sorry for this morning (Y/N),” Severus said as tears began to stream down his face. He couldn’t stop himself from playing it over and over again in his head. He didn’t even know where those words came from, he didn’t mean any of it. He loved you, he loved living with you and he couldn’t bear it if you left. He liked waking up beside you, going to bed beside you, and being around you. “I never should have let things get to such a point.”

You smiled at him as you raised a hand towards his cheek, swiping away his tears, his eyes widening as they met yours. He leaned into your touch like you’d spent the last two years apart, finally to be reunited again. He felt lighter, happy to have finally spent a conversation with you telling the truth instead of feeling ashamed of himself. He could only hope things would get better from here, but a small part of him worried things wouldn’t work out as wonderfully as he imagined, that he’d slip up and let himself go back to the way things were.

“Just promise me it won’t happen again? No more keeping things to yourself?” You asked him, unable to handle the thought of a repeat of what happened today. You knew it was too much to ask for things to go back to the way they were, but you just wanted to move forward, to grow together and adjust so that you could have that perfect life you both day dreamed about when you were in Hogwarts. You knew happiness wasn’t an unrealistic goal, that you could both be content with life if you just found a proper balance and you prayed to Merlin that this talk would help you find that perfect balance.

“I promise it won’t happen again,” Severus said with absolute sincerity. He promised you, he promised himself with everything he had he wouldn’t let it happen again. He wouldn’t let himself spiral the way he did these last few months, he wouldn’t keep things from you, he wouldn’t let the negativity around him consume him. He only hoped now that he could find the strength to come clean about what he’d done, that he could get through the hardships he knew was coming. He needed your relationship to survive what was coming next and he knew opening up was the only chance he had.

A/N: I do not in any way condone smoking or using alcohol as a comfort. This is all fiction obviously and I just felt it suited the chapter.

Next Chapter

#severus snape #severus snape x reader #snape x reader #severus x reader #young severus snape #young severus snape x reader #my fic #my writing #pro snape #snapedom #female reader

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violet-knox · 2 years

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A List of Snape Fanfics I ✨ADORE✨

for everyone who enjoys reading as much as I do 🖤

(I will be adding more in the future) And if you have any suggestions feel free to share them in the comments 💜

Some of them are marked with a (*), as they are works in progress. But believe me when I tell you they are worth the read.

(Snape x Reader)

A Vow of Love by DeepPerplexity: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29292417/chapters/71933388

*Broken Silence by WitchImage: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27112819/chapters/66206428

Help You Hatred by DeepPerplexity: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28362210

Holocene by MIZUMoNO: https://archiveofourown.org/works/32343901/chapters/80181103 Or https://yourmizumono.tumblr.com/post/655874684351594496/holocene

Love Me Roughly by bushViperCutie: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24500353/chapters/59141269

Remembrance by allixiler: https://archiveofourown.org/works/32263468

(Snape x OC)

*Dream Sequence by RoseOJam: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18166589/chapters/42962960

It’s Not That Simple by FelixFelicisWriter: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15417630/chapters/35784081

*Post War by JosieCarioca: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13997079

*The First Choice by typingkeys11: https://archiveofourown.org/works/33296557/chapters/82680199

(Sev’s School Years) *includes (Snape x Reader) , (Snape x OC) and (Snape x Lily)*

A Warm Kiss by bushViperCutie: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24275923

*The Lion, The Snake and The Locket (Series) by VioletKnox: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1512518

*Severus Snape and the Potion Master’s Daughter by imablack: https://archiveofourown.org/works/436950/chapters/743597

*Mr. Always Wins by snapesnailtape: https://archiveofourown.org/works/34315399/chapters/85381801

*That Awful Snape Boy by evilbean: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15737409/chapters/36591009

‘What Now?’ Young!Sev One Shots by bushViperCutie: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1819177

(Snape as a Parent or Paternal figure)

Calista Snape (Series) by Arinus: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1047206

Did You Know by copper_sky (foreignobjecticus): https://archiveofourown.org/works/5133851/chapters/11813765

(Others)

Halloween with Sev and Lily by snapesnailtape: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2601958

*Little And Broken, But Still Good by strangehighs: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23728378/chapters/56981551

SNAPEMAS 2020 by DeepPerplexity: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28365219/chapters/69498414 (YES!…. CHRISTMAS ONESHOTS because I loved each and every one of them 😭✨❤️)

Snapetober 2021 by DeepPerplexity: https://archiveofourown.org/works/34175929/chapters/85036933

#Some awesome recs guys #And I'm very honoured #I need to be more active on Tumblr again #snapedom is an awesome community of awesome people #reblog #fic recs

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violet-knox · 2 years

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No Update Today

I've had a bit of a hectic week. Even when I found time to write, I was just too tired to write more than 500 words at a time. The next chapter is sitting at about 3.5k right now and it's not done. Hopefully I'll have the time and energy to finish it before next week!

#Thanks for your understanding!#LSL update #fanfic #my writing #life is crazy sometimes

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violet-knox · 2 years

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Lost Joy

Year 7 - Chapter 78

Summary: You wake up in the middle of the night to find Severus awake, the pressures of life finally breaking him.

Word count: 3438

Warnings: Light shoving, no violence

A/N: Hope everyone enjoyed the holidays. I'm slowly getting back into a writing routine. Things may be touch and go for a little as I try to adjust to balance everything in my life.

Previous Chapter - Chapter 1

He woke up to yet another disappointing morning. Another day sure to pass him by without bringing him a single step towards the promise he’d made two weeks ago. He hadn’t heard back from his last resort, and if they wouldn’t work with him, how could he possibly hope to gain employment? It was a lost cause, he was a lost cause. He’d let you down, his frustration boiling up as you still continued to be supportive. You constantly spoke of staying positive, of his hard work, his potential eventually being rewarded with some patience, but you’d never understand. He’d locked away his mother’s ring back in her nightstand and hadn’t looked at it since then. But he thought about it every single day. That ring had become a symbol of his failures, his past and his destiny. It was a constant reminder of his mother’s marriage, her shunning from the Prince family, his poor childhood, her negligence, his own failure to become someone worthy of you and his assured destiny to fail just like his parents.

Things had been going well for a few days, his passion, his ambition driving him every day. Your evenings together had even returned to a pleasant aroma, but with his loss of patience came his terrible habit of pushing you away. He’d become distant again, waking up and starting his day before you, joining you in bed only when you were fast asleep. He could never bring himself to stay awake with you beside him, the peaceful look on your face reminding him of just how much he owed you. Even now, waking at five in the morning, the darkness surrounding him, he found himself needing to jump out of bed. He dreading the moment you woke up, his guilt settling into his chest the moment you smiled at him and that wasn’t a feeling he could live with for very long.

Slowly, he removed himself from the bed, careful not to wake you as he’d done every morning. He picked up his wand and made his way out of the bedroom, closing the door behind him before making his way downstairs, skipping the fourth step. Heading to the kitchen first, he made himself a cup of coffee, no longer able to function without one every morning considering the little amount of sleep he got each night. He contemplated his next move as he poured himself a cup, wondering if it would be wise if he sought out Malfoy, Avory or one of his other old friends. He made his way to the sitting room, closing the door behind him as he plopped himself onto the couch in front of the fireplace. Putting down his cup, he ran his hands over his face, sighing in frustration. It was a bad idea, and maybe the fact they didn’t reply back was a blessing. Maybe this was to be his second chance at turning away from the evil surrounding that group and find a way to offer his talents for the good of the world.

There was only one thing left to do now, only one way to regain favour with the Potions community that had rejected him. With the last of his dignity, Severus picked up some parchment and his quill and began to write another letter. Three words in and he already hated himself, his pride screaming for him to stop. Not this, anything but this. But he had to push aside his feelings and think of you, of what would happen if he failed you, his life stuck in this miserable limbo. No, this was his only option now, the only thing left to do besides pray Merlin would have mercy on him.

With great displeasure, he wrote to his toad of a supervisor, lying about how he’d seen the errors of his ways, how it was wrong for him to hide his discoveries and asking for a chance to prove himself to him. He felt absolutely humiliated writing this letter, as if he was signing away his own soul, everything that made him good, everything he felt proud of and he was offering it all away. Was it really worth it? Even if he accepted and he managed to find what he could only assume to be the worst job a Potions Master could have under that toad, would there be enough of himself left to feel happy, to feel worthy of you again? Would you really continue to be proud to call him your boyfriend if he’d given away himself like this? He couldn’t know, and he definitely couldn’t talk to you about it. You were too optimistic about the way the world worked, always talking about hard work and second chances. In your perfect world, you couldn’t see there were no second chances for people like him, for the poor scum of the earth, not without a hand from those who didn’t deserve the fortunate life they found themselves in.

“Severus?” He looked up from his letter, startled at the sound of your sleepy voice. He saw your silhouette, outlined by the light of the fire standing at the doorway as you rubbed your eyes open. “What are you doing?”

Severus looked down at the letter he was writing, now destroyed by the spilled ink he’d accidentally knocked over when you’d walked in. The ink completely covered the last portion of his letter where he spoke of a second chance, where he asked for forgiveness and offered up his soul. And yet it somehow left his lies about taking accountability for his actions completely untouched for the world to read. His self betrayal lay in front of him, protected from any damage, proudly displaying his shame. His grip on his quill tightened as he felt himself snap in half, his anger and frustration with the universe boiling over. What could he have possibly done to deserve such treatment? Why must the world punish him in such a way?

“I was writing a letter,” he said through gritted teeth, trying so hard to contain himself. This wasn’t your fault, he had no one to blame but himself and he couldn’t let his anger pounce at you again. He wasn’t sure if your relationship could take anymore tension but he could never understand why it was always your relationship that suffered when he himself was struggling. It was never like this when you found yourself stressed or upset. Then again, you’d never felt yourself as big a failure as he did now.

“At five in the morning?” You asked as you walked towards him, looking down at his half destroyed letter, reading the bits that weren’t covered in ink. You were absolutely mortified at the words he’d written. This didn’t sound like him at all, this wasn’t him. Something else had taken hold of Severus and made him write those horrible words. You knew he’d been struggling, especially during the last few days. You could feel his patience and resolve sizzling away and nearing its end, you just never thought he’d go to such extremes. “Severus, why are you writing to him? You don’t need him.”

“Don’t I?!” He felt himself snap, his eyes wide as he shouted, his mind pulsing with rage, pushing through his need to keep from projecting his failures onto you. But it was too late, the small bit of power his love for you held over his temper fell to the ground, pummelled by the anger he felt at the world for doing this to him. That feeling overtook him, it consumed him fully as he finally let go. “I have no one else to turn to! No one will hire me.”

“Severus, calm down please-”

“Calm down? Why? This is my house is it not? Do I not have the right to act as I please in my own house?! I can’t even stay in my own bed because you’re always in it, always reminding me how big a failure I am.” Severus rubbed his face with his hands, annoyed at the words that came out of his own mouth. How could he say those things? He shouldn’t have taken that tone, he shouldn’t have worded it in such a hurtful and blunt way. He loved you, he still loved you, even through all this anger and grievance, you were still the centre of his world, so why couldn’t he remember that now in the heat of the moment?

You paused at his words, stunned by what he had just said. He’d never stooped so low before, he’d never said anything like this before. It was always angry comments and remarks more so directed towards himself than you, but he was focusing his anger onto you this time, like you were the one causing him the misery he felt now. “Is that truly how you feel? Do you hate me that much?”

“No! I-I just-” Severus didn’t know how he felt. He didn’t know how to process anything that had happened over the last few months. It all seemed like such a blur now, so many varying emotions flashing by him: Stress, joy, grief, content, anger, comfort. It felt like decades had passed since you’d returned home, since you were happy together. How did he get here?

“I thought this was our house, that we were trying to build a happy life together, Severus. Is that not what you want anymore? Do you hate me so much that you feel I’m a burden on your life? Is that why you’ve been avoiding me this past week?!” Your eyes burned with betrayal as you pushed to hold your tears back. It took every ounce of your strength not to break down, your heart racing with fear of what he was saying. You didn’t want this to destroy the love between you. He meant everything to you, everything. Nothing else in your life mattered as much as him and you couldn’t bear to hear him speak to you as if you were some sort of disease in his life.

“I’ve been avoiding you because I know you think I’m a failure! You hide what you truly feel beneath those supportive words of yours, acting like you haven’t accomplished your own goals, pitying me,” he responded as he tried to tone down his voice. He couldn’t help what he was saying anymore, everything he’d been internally projecting onto you these past few months pouring out of him like lava about to swallow you both whole. His own misery and disgust with himself consumed him, he couldn’t help but think back to all the horrible moments you shared, forgetting the happy memories you’d both worked so hard to build. Instead, he thought about your fights, about how you left him in this house alone to follow your Quidditch career, how you took Connor’s side over his during your school days, how you happily played Quidditch with Potter with no consideration of how that made him feel, how much grief you’d caused him with his old Slytherin friends. The more memories his mind played back, the more he felt his resentment towards you growing.

He stood up and turned towards the door, unable to look at you anymore. He didn’t know what to do. The last thing he wanted was to see the end of this relationship, but he was tired of feeling alone with you here, of being left behind, of feeling crowded in this house. You were his support system and he knew you were supposed to make him feel supported, but all you did was make him feel like a failure. Even now, he could tell you didn’t understand him, that you weren’t grasping what he was saying to you.

“Well, I don’t need your pity!” Severus brushed off the slim possibility that talking to you would do more good than harm. Needing some air and time to think, he began to make his way to the door and grabbed his coat from the coat rack, hoping some time alone would help him sort through everything he was feeling, everything he’d said and done. But before he could grab hold of the doorknob, you’d ran in front of him, pushing him back a step as you shielded the door. You looked so angry, so upset. He could tell he’d hurt you. His heart was screaming at him to apologise, fall to his knees and beg for forgiveness, but the damage was done and he didn’t have the patience anymore to deal with this on top of his own issues.

“You don’t know what I’m thinking and I know you don’t mean any of that. You’re frustrated, I understand, but that’s no reason to act this way!” You spoke desperately, your heart skipping a beat when you saw him bolting for the door. You couldn’t let him leave, not like this. He needed to talk, to let things out, you could see that now. You didn’t know he was struggling so much and you kicked yourself for it. Had you really been living in your own world that you hadn’t noticed he was struggling like this? You had to make things right, you could still salvage this so long as he wanted the same thing.

“No, you don’t! You don’t understand, you can never understand!” Severus argued, his frustration hitting an all-time high. He couldn’t take it anymore. He was trying so hard not to scream, not to shout at you about everything. He wanted to tell you about the ring, about the letter he’d sent two weeks ago, about everything that led him to this moment, but he knew he couldn’t because he knew you wouldn’t understand any of it. You’d scold him, tell him what a mistake it was to keep any of this from you, to even reach out to people he knew would bring nothing good and he didn’t want to hear any of it.

“Then help me understand!” Please Severus, please don’t leave like this, please just talk to me! Your thoughts ran in panic as your eyes begged him to stay. Your heart was pounding so hard, you thought it might shatter into a million pieces if he spoke another word or took another step. You’d tried so hard to make everything okay for him, you’d done everything you could to help him, but the more you did, the more you felt him slipping away and it tore at you. This was it, the point in time that would determine that path you’d take as a couple. If you couldn’t find a way to help bring him back from this darkness, what hope would you have of building a strong and lasting relationship together?

“Why? So you can undermine me? Tell me it’s all in my head?” He didn’t want to hear it, he didn’t want to hear it! Your voice was already in his head, speaking his mother’s words; you’re reckless, inconsiderate and selfish! It wasn’t true, that wasn’t him, it never was. You’d always told him he was good, but you were very much aware of all his flaws, lived through them, even during your days at Hogwarts.

“Because I love you, Severus! Why can’t you see that! Why have you forgotten that!”

“Don’t pretend like your feelings for me haven’t changed, that these last two years haven’t made you reconsider the choices you made after graduating Hogwarts.” Every time you left for a game or a tournament, packing a bag and taking so much of your belongings with you, he wondered if you’d come back. Was this the time you’d finally decide to leave him? Was this the last time he’d ever get to see you again? He couldn’t stand it. He couldn’t stand the thought of you with someone else, someone better, someone who would hesitate to propose to you as he did. It didn’t make sense for you to be together anymore and he wasn’t sure if it ever did.

“No, you don’t get to do that! You don’t get to project your issues onto me! I don’t regret a single thing in my life when it comes to you. I don’t regret moving in with you, I don’t regret promising to build a life with you, I don’t regret loving you!” You shouted back at him, deflecting those feelings of hate and self doubt he tossed your way. Things had never been this bad before. You’d fought over the years of course, what couple didn’t. But he’d never spoken to you like this, as if he’d been holding back these emotions, those awful thoughts for years, finally unleashing them now.

Severus squinted at you, pausing as he pressed his lips together. You’d laid it all out before him, confessed your true emotions and still he found himself unable to let go of the toxic thoughts in his head. Darkness was swimming in his mind, taking over every ounce of him until he could barely feel himself there anymore. He couldn’t even recognize the thoughts in his head, the negativity, the toxicity. He hadn’t felt like this in years, he hadn’t been this person since his days with his father, so why was he suddenly reverting back all because his mother died and his inability to find a job?

“I don’t want to talk about this anymore,” he said as though talking to himself more so than he was talking to you. He began to walk around you, trying to get to the door, but you kept yourself in his way, as if he was your prisoner.

“Then talk to me about what’s bothering you. Please Severus just talk to me about something,” you spoke softly, your eyes watering when he tried to leave again. You’d hoped showing your willingness to talk would help show him he didn’t have to leave, that you cared, that you could work this out, but you were wrong. He didn’t want to work things out, at least not now. He didn’t want to take back anything he said. He meant them all.

“Get out of my way.” Severus balled his hands into fists, frustrated at your position. He felt trapped, emotionally, mentally and now, here you were, physically trapping him in the home you forced him to live in.

“So long as I love you, I will never get out of your way!”

“Get out of my way (Y/N).” Severus spoke through gritted teeth, doing his best to be patient, hoping you would just do as he asked. Things were getting out of hand, they’d gotten too far, much farther than he could have ever imagined and he neededyour relationship to be salvageable after this. He needed to step away before he completely destroyed what little there was left of your love for him.

“No!”

He had no choice, if he wanted out, he would have to make his own way out. He grabbed you roughly by your shoulder and pushed you enough to make you stumble out of the way. He quickly made his way to the door before you found your footing and opened it, leaving swiftly with a loud thud as he slammed the door behind him.

It all happened so fast. He’d pushed you and you thought you were about to fall to the floor, instead, the sound of the door slamming shut weakened your knees enough to have you stumble to the ground, tears streaming down your face as you let go of the frustration and heartbreak you felt. He was gone, he’d left you like this and you weren’t sure if he would come back. You missed him. You missed the boy you fell in love with, the man you’d grown to care for. Where had he gone? What signs did you miss? How had everything suddenly been dialled to eleven without you noticing?

You brought your knees to your chest, hanging your head low as you crawled up into a ball, crying so hard you knew you would lose your voice by the end of the day. Everything had gone so wrong. It was so perfect for so long, at least, you thought it was. Were you both cursed? Was this to be your destiny? False happiness shattered by the relenting truth of the horror you lived in now? This couldn’t be your life, you didn’t deserve this, neither of you did and you had to find a way to break out of this endless torturous nightmare. You had to find a way to regain that happiness you once shared together.

Next Chapter

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violet-knox · 2 years

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violet-knox · 2 years

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Whatever It Takes

Year 7 - Chapter 77

Summary: A month after the funeral, you and Severus visit his mother's grave. Severus shares with you how he's been feeling and swears to do whatever it takes to make things up to you.

Word count: 2951

A/N: Okay, I'll be honest, I dossed off when proof reading this chapter haha. Sorry for any typos, grammar mistakes or just random words that don't make sense.

Also, posting may slow down or halt over the next little while I'm enjoying my time off. Unfortunately, we've also returned to office and I have a lot on my plate after the holidays so I'm not sure how much writing I'll be able to do.

Happy holidays everyone!

Previous Chapter - Chapter 1

He wasn’t even sure why he’d brought it, but he’d been looking at it, his fingers tracing every bit of it since the day he found out his mother had passed. This ring was all he had left of her and her side of the family now. The only thing he had left to connect himself to a Wizarding family, to the world he’d longed to be a part of for as long as he could remember. He kept it in his pocket during the entire funeral service, one hand in yours, the other holding the ring tightly, keeping it out of your sight. He couldn’t think about giving it to you anymore, he didn’t look forward to your reaction when he asked you to be his forever, all the happiness he’d felt before everything began going downhill was completely gone.

Everything had been so hard lately. It was hard to wake up in the morning, to look at you, to talk to anyone. The pain he’d gone through to make arrangements for his mother’s body, transporting it from France, paying for her funeral, her tombstone, her casket. She hadn’t left a single penny for him to help or expressed her wishes. He had to deal with it all alone, just as he did growing up. He knew you were trying to help, he knew you were there to support him, but you could never understand how he felt, why it had to be him to lay his mother to rest despite her negligence. He had to prove he was better than her, that he wouldn’t do to her what she’d done to him.

This was all he had now that his Mastery was over and the entire Potions community was told by that sorry excuse of a Potions Master not to hire him. The youngest Potions Master the Wizarding World had come to know and he couldn’t find a single person with the brains to give him a chance. They were all fools for taking the word of that toad over him. He’d sent out samples of his work, offering to make the potion in front of them and still no one would even give him the courtesy of an interview. Everywhere he turned he was faced with roadblocks, frustrated at his life. How could he think about proposing to you when he wasn’t worthy of it? He couldn’t find a job, couldn’t afford a proper resting place for his departed mother. He was worthless and the world agreed.

He wondered sometimes if you wish you’d never come home. If you should have broken up with him after you’d left for your first tournament. You didn’t deserve to have all this around you. You didn’t deserve him snapping at you for the stupidest thing. But you put up with him anyways, Merlin knows why. You were his only anchor keeping him afloat this past month, the only good thing in his life and of course, feeling as miserable as he was, he had to resume his mission of pushing away any good thing left around him. He couldn’t believe he’d let his misfortunes come between you, he’d let them take hold of him, control him. He’d shouted at you for trying to help him and broke down crying when he realised what he’d done. You comforted him despite the awful words he said, no amount of apologies able to take back the guilt of how he’d treated you in those few seconds.

“Severus?” You spoke softly, taking a step towards him. It broke your heart seeing him so distraught, so miserable visiting his mothers grave for the first time since the funeral. You wanted to hold his hand, to comfort him, but he always kept his hands in his pocket, his arms tightly shut against his body. He’d been like that ever since the tears had stopped. He cried for three days straight, his eyes so red and puffy, you worried he’d go blind. Then one day, his tears dried and he shut you out, refusing to touch you, barely speaking to you and you weren’t sure how much longer you’d be able to take it. “Are you ready to go?”

Severus looked down from the tombstone onto the month-old grave, the outline of where she was buried still visible. He couldn’t believe she was down there, he couldn’t believe she was gone just when he felt like she was beginning to act like a real mother. They barely spoke since he’d graduated, but they’d exchanged a few letters every few months and perhaps it was foolish of him to dream, but he hoped one day she’d repent for what she’d done and they’d have a proper relationship. A fool's dream apparently and now he’d never know if she could have grown into that person he wished for though he supposed she was the only one to blame. She had a chance to be a mother and she rejected it, rejected him.

Gripping the ring tightly and burying both his hands deep in his pockets, he nodded his head and began to walk home, his eyes staring at the ground as you walked together in the dead silence of the evening. He frowned at how distant he was letting himself become, how broken your relationship was becoming all because he didn’t know how to mourn the woman who failed to be his mother. He didn’t care about her as much as he did you. He loved you so much, he couldn’t put it into words, yet he still let himself do this to you both, tearing you apart like cotton candy. It wasn’t right, it wasn’t fair to you. It wasn’t your fault that his mother had died, it wasn’t your fault he couldn’t find a job, so why must you suffer in this way?

“I’m so sorry (Y/N),” he whispered, his hair shielding the shame he wore on his face from you as he kept his gaze to the pavement. His frown grew, the disappointment he felt in himself flourishing to the surface. He’d reacted so poorly this past month, and you were the outlet for his rage, his own failure. “You don’t deserve this?”

“Sev, what are you talking about?” You were surprised to hear him speak, your heart skipping a beat at the sound of his voice. His words weighed heavily on you as you tried to see just how much damage he was trying to hide from you. You knew he was suffering more than he led on, the red in his eyes unexplainable by just the few hours of crying he’d done in front of you each day. You just wished he’d let you back in, hoped that the words he spoke now was the doorway into his heart he was opening for you.

“The way I’ve been treating you, the horrible things I said-”

“Stop.” You knew exactly where this was going and as much as you agreed the few words he’d spoken to you since his mother passed hadn’t been the kindest, it was something you knew you’d have to handle when you decided to be with him. He was grieving, letting the worst of himself take over and just as you’d worried, the actions he took during his studies had crippled the career he didn’t even get to start. You knew none of that should have been an excuse, but you couldn’t understand how he felt, no one could and in that sense, he was completely alone. There was nothing you could do to fix how he grieved or how he felt, you only hoped your patience would hold out long enough to help him rebuild himself when he was ready. “Severus, you have every reason in the world to be mad or frustrated. You lost your mother and you didn’t get to say goodbye. Anyone in your situation would react as you have, worse even. You have nothing to apologise for because I’ve already forgiven you.”

Severus closed his eyes for a moment, knowing you would respond with nothing but support for him, that you wouldn’t directly agree with him, but he was still saddened by your words. He couldn’t understand it, he knew you loved him but he couldn’t see why anymore. He had nothing to offer you but depression and sadness. Why would you, why would anyone want to be around someone like him? He couldn’t even begin to think about how he would try to make everything up to you, wondering how he could have ever thought he deserved to propose to you. He wasn’t worthy enough to even ask for your hand and this was just another failure he’d caused.

“You shouldn’t. I don’t deserve forgiveness.” His voice trembled as he spoke, his fingernails digging into his palms, hidden in his pockets. He was so angry at himself, angry at you for not being angry at him. He didn’t think he could be a worse partner, he didn’t think he would break his promise to himself, become so undeserving of you that he’d feel like this. “You’ve been nothing but supportive towards me and I showed my appreciation for you by yelling. There’s no excuse for that.”

“So what would you rather I do if not forgive you?” You tried to reason with him, to be realistic. You knew he wasn’t thinking clearly, he hadn’t been thinking clearly this past month, but you couldn’t understand how exactly he expected you to react, what more could you do when he’d shut you out like this.

“I don’t know, yell at me, tell me off. Leave me,” Severus’ heart had never beaten so fast, he never intended to be so blunt, to give you such an escape, like those two words were the one thing keeping you with him. He was afraid that if he’d said them aloud, that you’d follow his advice and do just that, but it was selfish of him to think you should do anything that wasn’t in your best interest, he just wasn’t sure what that was.

You understood now why he’d closed himself off after spending a few days grieving over his mother. He was ashamed of himself, of how he’d been acting. He held himself at too high a standard, feeling as though his grief was a moment of weakness he let take over. He fell into a toxic spiral of emotions and he didn’t know how to deal with it other than blame himself. You pushed on his arm and stopped him from walking, stepping in front of him and hoped he would hear your words and look at you.

“I would never do that to you, especially when you need me most. Do all those years together mean nothing to you? Does the life we’ve built together not tell you anything about our relationship?” You pleaded with him. Pleaded for him to see things in your perspective, to be rational during such an irrational time in his life. You forgave him for it all, for how he acted, the words he spoke, everything. You knew the drastic negative changes in his life were impacting him and you couldn’t blame him, you just needed him to know that he didn’t have to go through it alone, that you would always be there for him no matter what.

Severus kept his head hung low, but to your surprise, his shoulders began to shake, tears streaming down his face as he burst into tears. This was nothing like the tears he’d shed the past month. It was like he’d suddenly become flooded with emotion, everything hitting him all at once, the weight of his mother’s death, all those rejections, his failure to be a good boyfriend, to be someone you would want to marry crushing him into the ground and he couldn’t take it anymore.

“I-I don’t know how much longer I can continue like this. A failed son, a failed Potions Master, a failed boyfriend.” Severus couldn’t control his tears. He broke down in the middle of the street in front of you and he couldn’t stop it.

“You are not a failure, Severus. You’ve had so much thrown your way, you’ve been through so much more than anyone else and you deserve time to heal.” You took him in your arms, one hand on his back, the other in his hair as you let his chin fall over your shoulder. He leaned into you, crying into your jacket, his fists finally loosening, the ring falling into his pocket as he wrapped his arms around you, gripping you instead.

“You’re the only good thing left in my life (Y/N),” he whispered into your shoulder, his eyes closed shut, your scent, your touch filling him with enough comfort he finally felt like he could find a grip. You continued to be his anchor, the only thing keeping him afloat in life and he had to do right by you. He had to do better than he was doing this past month. The lift he’d dreamed for was still reachable, he just needed to work for it. He’d find a job for you, no matter what, he’d better the house for you, he’d take you out like you deserved, support you like you did him. He was going to do better now that he’d found the strength and incentive he needed to finally let go.

“And you will always and forever be the best thing in mine Severus,” you whispered back to him, massaging his scalp as you held him tightly. You felt his grip on you tighten as his body stopped shaking, the river of tears streaming down his face slowing down. You stayed like that for as long as he needed, glad he finally let it all out. You hoped this was a sign that he could begin healing and could start moving past the negativity from the past month and honour his mother’s memory instead of pondering over what could have been.

When Severus felt he had regained control of himself again, he loosened his grip on you, ending your hug. He hung his head low as he sniffed away the last of his emotions. You immediately reached up to swipe away the reminisce of tears left on his cheek, Severus finally smiling at the warmth of your hands against his icy cold cheeks and tired eyes. He opened his eyes as you dropped your hands and looked at you for the first time in a while. He stared into your eyes, thanking you for enduring him this past month, his hand reaching for yours as you resumed your walk back home.

You were truly the kindest and most caring person he’d ever met. You motivated him to do better, to be better and that’s exactly what he was going to do, no matter what it took. He needed to make up for everything he’d done, for the support you gave the last two years. The life he dreamed of was still possible, he could still make it happen and one day, he’ll look up at you and feel content enough to take out that ring in his pocket and give it to you. Until then, he would do everything he could, work as hard as he could to become that person, to build that life he wanted so badly.

He promised you things would be better and you responded with nothing but words of encouragement and support. You told him you’d be there every step of the way, helping him build the life you both wanted, the life you would both share for the rest of your lives. You spoke of the future not as though it was a dream, but your destiny. You were so sure everything would turn out as you both hoped and it only encouraged him further. The moment he got home, he walked over to his room as you began preparations for dinner and rummaged through his belongings. He found the letter he swore he would never touch again, the letter he’d received two years ago along with a humble threat against your lives and unfold it.

He’d sworn he’d never head down that road after working so hard to escape this dark path he’d found himself on. All those threats, all the promises and exchanges he’d made to regain ownership of his soul and here he was about to toss it all away. But what choice did he have? He wasn’t going to find a half decent job in the Potion’s community any time soon and he needed to make changes in his life before he found himself following in the footsteps of his father.

He closed the door of his room and locked it before taking out a quill and parchment, writing a letter to one of his old ‘friends’ about possible opportunities to sell his own personal stock of potions. He could work out of his own house, start a business of his own and sell his potions just as he did during his school years. He knew he couldn’t do this forever, and he’d have to be cautious about what he brewed, who he spoke with and who would know his name. But this was the only opportunity he had, the only way to make things right, to start the life he so desperately wanted. A part of him screamed at him not to send this letter, to find another way, but he knew there was no other way. This was it, his last resort and he worried that if he passed this up too, his dream would be lost forever.

Next Chapter

#severus snape #severus snape x reader #snape x reader #severus x reader #young severus snape #young severus snape x reader #my fic #my writing #pro snape #snapedom #female reader

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violet-knox · 2 years

Text

The Young Potions Master

Year 7 - Chapter 76

Summary: While Severus wraps up the final day of his Potions Mastery, you wait to surprise him to celebrate. You enjoy each others company until an owl interrupts your night together with some news.

Word count: 4387

Warnings: Cliff hanger!

Previous Chapter - Chapter 1

You really needed to invest in a car if you were going to stay in the Muggle world and maybe that would be your first large purchase as a couple once Severus found a suitable job. Dragging and levitating this tree back home without Muggle’s questioning you was one of the hardest things you’d done these last few weeks, all in preparation for today. But it would all be worth it in the end. You couldn’t wait for Severus to get home, his final day at the potion-mixing room, his final day for his Potions Mastery. He was finally clearing out his table and thanking his supervisor, at least, you hoped that was what he was doing. Knowing him, he was more likely planning his to expose him than thank him, but you told him it didn’t matter anymore, not after today. He was free and one day, he’d be the greatest Potion’s Master the World had come to know and he could tell his story then.

For now, you wanted to focus on the positive, to celebrate his achievement like he deserved. You didn’t waste a second of time, planning what you were to do on your way home and setting to work the second he left to work the day after your return. You’d brought back so many presents from every city you visited, buying some more when you returned. You wandered into the most unusual shops, collecting candles, ornaments, decoration and all sorts of miscellaneous things to create the most festive aesthetic you could muster.

You knew Severus missed Hogwarts. As much as he hated James and the others, Hogwarts was his home and he missed it. As much as he tried to hide it, you knew he didn’t like it here, that he tolerated it for you. You almost wished you’d never moved into his childhood house, tried to make it a home he could learn to love instead of dread, but you didn’t expect to travel as much as you did the last two years. You cried the first night you went away, alone, surrounded by strangers in an unknown land. You’d left Severus to start his Mastery alone, to finish setting up the house alone and you couldn’t live with yourself when you returned, finding a skeleton in the shape of your boyfriend greeting you with a tired smile. Neither of you could stand being apart, that much was certain, but what were you to do when the paths you’d chosen were leading in opposite directions.

Things would change, you knew they would. Today was the mark of your new life, and so it had to be special. You wanted everything to be as magical as it would be if you were at Hogwarts, you wanted Severus to feel the love, joy and pride from you and if that meant spending every last coin in your pocket, so be it. You’d worked hard for this day, you both had and you deserved to celebrate it.

Finally, you’d made it home, thankful you’d gotten up early while the street still slept so you could clean and levitate the tree into the house with a flick of your wand. You placed the tree in the corner of the sitting room, parallel to the door so it was the first thing Severus saw when he returned. Removing your coat, you lit the fireplace and ran to the storage under the stairs to fetch the box of ornaments you collected. You were so excited to decorate a tree of your own having wanted to do this since the first day you saw a real Christmas tree in first year, decorated so beautifully, sitting in the Great Hall to be admired from every direction. You hoped that next year this would be an activity you could share with Severus, knowing he wasn’t fond of this sort of thing. It was hard enough to have him agree to a cake on his birthday, so you knew having such an extravagant celebration wouldn’t be something he would easily agree to. His predictable reluctance was the exact reason why you decided it would be a surprise.

Working as quickly as you could, you hung the various potion ornaments, Quidditch and Muggle ornaments you’d collected the last few days, the picture ornaments you had made in Paris and all the other decorations you’d bought for the tree. You turned on the lights you’d wrapped around the tree and added the unique raven tree topping you’d found a few days ago. The moment you saw it, you knew it was meant for you. It wasn’t long ago that you’d both manifested your patronus’ only to find out they were identical: a beautiful and powerful raven. It was such a magical and loving moment, like a reassurance that you were meant to be. You knew patronus’ could change, and as that was the first time you’d both conjured it, you weren’t sure if one had changed to match the other, or if your souls were marked for one another all along, but you didn’t care. From that moment onward, it became a symbol of your love, the animal crest you would proudly wear as a family and you knew Severus would love the tree topper.

Finally the tree was done, and now came your favourite part. You ran back to the stairs and brought the presents you’d wrapped so neatly, placing them under the tree, each one with Severus’ name on them. You couldn’t wait for him to open them all, knowing full well he’d complain about how many there were. He never really liked getting gifts, acting as though he wasn’t worth spending money on, but you didn’t care. You loved spending money on him, in fact, finding something for him was the only thing that was on your mind every time you arrived to a new city over the past year and you’d collected quite a few along the way.

With no time to rest, you continued onwards, decorating the rest of the sitting room until it was completely unrecognizable, adding a few more books to your growing collection, displaying some pictures you had printed, hanging as much garland as you could until you finally began to move on to the rest of the house, hoping you had enough decoration to cover the entire house, excluding his parents’ bedroom of course. An hour quickly passed you by as you finished with the decorations, heading straight to the kitchen to start the celebration dinner you knew Severus would love. You couldn’t wait for Severus to get home, to see the look on his face when he saw the house, the dinner you’d prepared, the beautifully set table and all those presents waiting to be opened Christmas morning.

You both enjoyed a nice date night out every once in a while, but the nights that lasted the longest, the nights you spent the next morning talking about were those you spent at home, cuddling next to one another, chatting the night away and enjoying each other’s company. Winter had always been his favourite season. Even at Hogwarts, you could tell it was his favourite time of the year. All the students were gone, the days were shorter and he could wear as many layers as he liked without being mocked. When you moved in here, you noticed he was always happiest in December despite the fact that you’d never properly celebrated the holidays. It was almost perfect timing, the last day of his studies aligning well with the upcoming holidays, your return and the chill that came in last night. If it snowed tonight, it would turn into the most perfect night of your lives and you couldn’t wait to get it started.

Finishing up the perfect dinner, you neatly set the table and ran upstairs to get dressed. You’d found this beautiful velvet red dress shopping in Belgium and couldn’t wait to wear it. The black belt hugged you at your waist and the dress flared out right above your knees. You wore a pair of black stockings underneath it, the long sleeves keeping you warm. You put on some red lipstick to match and did your hair, beyond excited to see the look on Severus’ face when he saw everything you’d done.

“(Y/N)?!” He was here! And by the sound of his voice, he had a lot of questions. You quickly put on a pair of low heels and ran down the stairs, mindful of that wobbly fourth step. Severus’ mouth was hung open when you reached the bottom of the steps, able to see a glimpse of you through the open door. He couldn’t believe everything he’d seen when he walked through the door, wondering if he’d entered the wrong house. All irritated thoughts of his supervisor evaporated the moment he saw a big bright tree greeting him on the other side of the room when he walked into the sitting room, a raven sitting atop it looking as though it was claiming the house as its own. Two stockings hung above the fireplace which was blazing so much, he thought it might burn down the whole street down. The entire house was no doubt just as unrecognizable as the sitting room and so were you. He didn’t expect to see you looking so nice, so put together as if ready to head out to a Malfoy dinner party.

“Do you like it?!” You asked ecstatically as you walked through the door, slowly making your way towards him as you kept your eyes on his expression. He looked absolutely shocked, more so when you surprised him for his 19th birthday. His eyes were wide, his lips parted and his body stood there, stiff, motionless, completely caught off guard. You loved that you were the only one able to get this sort of reaction from him, knowing very well he would never let his guard down like this for anyone else and you loved to find new ways of challenging this weakness of his.

“I-,” Severus finally found himself regaining function of his limbs as he began to walk towards you, his eyes scanning you from your clean polished shoes to your beautifully kept hair. He stood in front of you, his hands reaching for your wrists, the tips of his fingers gliding against the soft rich velvet fabric. He loved how it felt, his hands unable to get enough as he slid them all the way up your arm and towards your waist. He looked down at your chest where you proudly displayed the locket he’d given you all those years ago, his initials glowing stronger than ever. He smiled to himself feeling the warmth of your skin, the love radiating off of you seeping into hm. “Yes, I like it.”

“Not me!” You said with a giggle as you happily let him embarrass you, your hands grabbing hold of the buttons that fastened his cape. Your eyes met his and neither of you could suppress the smiles on your faces. “The house! Do you like how it looks?”

Severus felt completely enchanted by you and everything you were. He blinked and finally felt himself snap back into reality, his mind just now realising this was still his childhood home, the home that brought him misery in the past now had him smiling and forgetting his troubles at the door. It was you that had transformed the feelings this house gave him, you who’d told him the house didn’t matter but the home you built and for so long he’d resisted. But seeing the lengths you’d gone to to make this house into a home these last two years, the effort you put into creating new and happy memories for him, he could never forget or tell you just how much he appreciated it. Yes he absolutely loved it, he loved the decorations you’d added on the empty bookshelves to fill in the space, he loved the garland you’d used on the stairs, he loved the new photos you hung up, he loved the new candles he knew was scattered around the house, and he absolutely loved the tree that smelled of fresh pine. But he loved you so much more. You meant everything to him, and could never begin to comprehend why you would go above and beyond to do something as extravagant as this for him.

“(Y/N), when did you have time to do all this?”

“I started the moment you left this morning,” you said as you watched his eyes browsing over each item in the room. His hand kept hold of yours as his body finally turned towards the tree. Out of everything you’d done to this house today, the tree was your proudest addition. You’d always wanted a tree of your own, one you would decorate with your family and you knew after how wonderful it had turned out, Severus wouldn’t object to joining you in the decorations next year. Christmas had yet to come and you were already planning and excited for next year's Christmas and the Christmas after that, and the one after that. Your life together was going to be an amazing and magical one and you couldn’t wait to live every moment of it.

Severus began walking over towards the tree, dragging you along with him. You wrapped your free hand around his arm, cuddling into him as you watched him explore the tree, his thin fingers gently holding up each ornament. He lingered a little longer on the photos you’d hung, his smile growing larger with each ornament he found.

“And where did you get all these?” He asked, looking up at the rest of the ornaments, smiling at the raven that sat atop the tree. He loved that you’d picked a raven, your shared patronus. You’d very clearly had tried to replicate the decorations used in the Great Hall during the holiday season and everything was near perfection, everything but the raven. The raven was your own special touch, it was the one piece that personalised the decorations you’d put out, tying your little family house together and solidifying your unofficial union. This would have been a perfect way for him to propose. He could have done all this for you, he should have done all this for you. But he was too busy worrying about himself to think about planning something like this.

“I’ve been collecting them over the last few months.”

Severus nodded, recognizing the subtle hints at the various cities you’d visited. You’d been planning this for months. It wasn’t an impulsive decision, it wasn’t something you’d put together when you returned, it was something you thought about every day when you were apart. Looking down at the bottom of the tree, he saw gifts scattered along the base, his name written on every one of them and was taken back by just how much you wanted to pamper him.

“Are all these for me?”

“Of course they are!” You giggled at his surprised tone, knowing he wouldn’t think himself worthy of a single one. But he deserved more than you could ever give him, even if he didn’t agree.

Severus took in a deep breath before looking back towards you, his eyes thanking you for every single thing you’d done, for every gift, every second you spent making this such a special day. To your surprise, Severus released his grip and slid his hand from yours, swiftly walking towards the door, his cape billowing behind him as he made his way up the stairs.

“Where are you going?!”

“I’ll just be a moment,” Severus shouted back as he made a turn upstairs into his parents room, hoping you would stay out of sight. He reached under the bed and pulled out the bag full of gifts he’d been collecting since your birthday. Every time he found himself missing you, he’d go shopping, knowing he would find himself thinking of you and every time, he would walk away with something for you and his heart feeling closer to yours and a smile on his face. Pausing, he stared at the nightstand that held his mother’s ring. Was this the day? Everything was all set for him, you looked absolutely beautiful, the house would never look better than it did now and the atmosphere was absolutely perfect. But he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t do that to you, overshadow all your hard work, everything you were trying to achieve. This day shouldn’t be about that, it should be what you’d intended and it wouldn’t be fair for him to take advantage like that. He needed to earn the moment himself, to show you he could provide you with what you did him today. He walked out the door and made his way back downstairs, smiling at you as he made his way back to the tree. One by one, he placed his gifts to you beside yours, filling up the rest of the tree’s base.

“It’s not as many as yours but-”

“Sev, I will love them all, I don’t care how many or what they are.” You smiled at him, looking over at the complete tree. It was all perfect, exactly as you imagined. The only thing left was stuffing the stockings which you hoped as an activity you would do with Severus before Christmas. You absolutely couldn’t wait for dinner, you couldn’t wait to open those gifts, sipping hot chocolate by the fire on Christmas morning. You hoped Severus would agree to keep these decorations up for as long as possible, perhaps all the way through to his birthday. You wanted every day to be like this, to see him this happy and full of peace.

“This is amazing (Y/N),” He whispered to you as he took your hand in his once again. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d smiled this much, his heart warmer than it had ever been. It wasn’t an unfamiliar feeling to him, he’d felt the comfort he did now a few years ago at Hogwarts. That feeling of your surroundings bringing you joy, the feeling of care and safety. It was the feeling of home.

“I’m so glad you like it!” You could hardly contain your excitement, nearly jumping up and down with glee. Instead, you tossed your arms over his shoulders, his hands wrapping around your waist in return. It had been so long since either of you had felt this close to one another, like a proper family. You could hardly wait to start your lives when you graduated and during that first summer, things were just as you imagined. But you never thought you’d be away from one another for so long and you hoped things would change for the better going forward. “I made dinner to celebrate the end of your studies.”

“You’ve done too much,” Severus whispered, his smile weakening as he thought about everything you’d done for him. You were always so generous towards him and he hadn’t done nearly enough to return the favour, never showing his appreciation for you as you did him. He sometimes wondered if you knew just how much he loved you, how much he would do for you despite the fact that he never showed it. He hoped you did, and he hoped he could one day make up for it all.

“Nonsense. This is overdue! And you deserve every bit of it.” You kissed him slowly, your lips moving gently against his as your hand made its way into his hair, his own pushing you into him. You were glued together and neither of you wanted to let go. “So, can I see your certification?”

Severus sighs, nearly forgetting everything that had happened today, the pain he’d gone through for a piece of parchment. He parted from you just enough to reach into his cloak and hand over the rolled up parchment he’d cried, bled and sweat for. He watched your eyes as you took it in your hands and unrolled it. He kept his grip on your waist as he watched you read every word of it, your smile growing with pride when you read his name and title: Severus Snape certified Potions Master.

“Sev, this is amazing. I’m so proud of you!” He was so glad to hear you say that, never believing those words would ever be said to him from someone who loved him as much as you. You looked so happy, as if it was you who’d been crowned the youngest potions master to receive certification. You shared his achievements as if they were your own and it was much more than he could ever ask for. “We need to get this framed tomorrow.”

“We can’t take it to a Muggle shop.” Severus smiled, his heart warming at the fact you thought his achievements were worth framing. All the pain and agony, all those days apart almost made it worth it just to feel the way he did now, seeing how prideful and happy you were.

“No we can’t.” You smiled back at him, unable to wait until you could hang this up above the fireplace so he could always be reminded of how valuable a Wizard he was, how worthy he was of achieving anything he wanted. “Why don’t we make a trip to Diagon Alley tomorrow, spend the whole day there?”

“I’d love that,” He thought back to the first time you’d gone to Diagon Alley together, before your final year at Hogwarts and what an amazing day that was. He would relive it all over again if he could and he couldn’t wait to spend every second of every day with you from now until the very last moment you had to go back to work.

“Let’s go eat,” you told him as you placed his certification on the coffee table. Severus removed his cloak and followed you into the kitchen where you’d set up the most beautiful table he’d ever seen. You’d lit candles all around the room, the dim light hitting you perfectly, highlighting your red dress and reflecting off of your hair. He could hardly believe he was in Spinner’s End, wondering if he’d walked into his own dreams, like you’d read his mind and transformed the house he hated into the home he’d always wanted.

You sat down to eat and hoped Severus would enjoy the food enough to finish his whole plate this time. He sat down across from you and picked up the bottle of champagne you’d placed on the table, no doubt something you’d picked up on one of your trips, saved for this particular moment.

“Open it,” you told him as you finished serving both plates, excited to taste it. Severus did as he was told and poured you a glass before pouring himself one. He watched as you raised your glass towards him in a toast. “To the youngest and most brilliant Potions Master the Wizarding World will ever come to know.”

You smiled and waited for him to raise his own glass, the smile on his face giving away the modesty he felt. He knew how special he was deep down, he had to. He wouldn’t be as ambitious as he was if he didn’t. You hoped that one day, he would see just how amazing a person he was, that he would accept himself and his talents, using them to better the world.

“To our future,” Severus said in response as he clinked his glass with yours. You both took a sip and dreamed of the future you wanted with one another, an amazing job for Severus, a renovation for this house, perhaps even a bigger house with a potion-mixing room and study for Severus, a library and large backyard where you could fly as much as you wanted, a magical raven to raise as the newest member of your family. Your dreams extended until your retirement where you planned to live the rest of your lives in each other's arms.

You spoke and planned for hours, until the sun had completely set, the candles burning out one by one until you were nearly in a pitch black room, sitting at a table with two empty plates. Severus took out his wand and placed the dishes into the sink to be cleaned in the morning, for now, all he wanted to do was cuddle with you by the fire, to show you his appreciation for you, hold you in his arms and never let go. You stayed in the sitting room until you could hardly stay awake, neither of you rushing to head to bed, preferring to fall asleep here and stretch the night out as long as it would take until you were both fast asleep.

But Fate had other plans for you both. She couldn’t let you rest for a single night as you heard pecking on the window, disrupting your daydreams. You both looked up to see an owl asking for entrance. Severus stood and handed you the cloak he had wrapped around you both. You placed it over your shoulders and you used it to shield yourself from the cold as you watched Severus open the window and retrieve the letter attached to the owl. He quickly fed the owl before it took off, hoping it wouldn’t freeze in the cold winter air. Severus unrolled the parchment, reading it as he made his way back to you, stopping in his tracks as he realised what news had come knocking on his door so late at night.

“Sev? What is it?” You asked, sitting up from your spot as you looked at the frown Severus wore. Whatever it was that was written on that parchment, it wasn’t good. He looked upset, but not angry enough that it would be about his Potions Mastery. What could it be? “What’s wrong Severus?”

Severus slowly looked back at you, trying to hold back his tears. How could such a wonderful night end so horribly? How could he be this upset when all his life he never thought he would care. His lips parted and with a cracked voice he spoke the words aloud:

“My mother died.”

Next Chapter

#severus snape #severus snape x reader #snape x reader #severus x reader #young severus snape #young severus snape x reader #my fic #my writing #pro snape #snapedom #female reader

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violet-knox · 2 years

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17 free and helpful things, that everyone can take advantage of

Dolly Parton's Imagination Library They send an age appropriate book once a month if you have a child younger than 5.

Project Gutenberg Lots of free classic books.

Library Genesis A great place to look for and download college/university textbooks for free, as well as other books.

Scihub Endless Free college books. (and peer-reviewed scientific publications that are otherwise hidden behind a paywall)

Khan Academy Free knowledge that you can use to clep out of university courses, or to simply invest your time in a worthwhile topic.

Openlearn UK’s Open University - free courses for all levels of study, samples of university materials, study skills and tie-ins to BBC documentaries. Everything under Creative Commons licence so you can use it as you see fit.

Duolingo The Green Owl of Languages. There are a few hundred that it teaches and the mobile app makes it easy to do anywhere while waiting (!warning! only good for Spanish, German, French, Dutch, Esperanto, and English. with anything else it gets very low-quality and short.).

Codecademy An awesome site to learn how to use some programming languages. Doesn't get into the really advanced stuff, but it's good for a start.

Photopea Completely free Photoshop clone that has all the basic features of Photoshop, using basically the same interface.

Gimp Another free version of Photoshop.

Unsplash Stock of free photos of just about anything, provided by the photographers themselves, to do with what you like.

Futureme You can write letters to yourself (or other people) in the future! You can also make notifications and reminders of a +doctors appointments or anything else important.

Heavens Above You can look up all the satellites flying over your house tonight, including the ISS, Hubble Space Telescope, those pesky Starlink satellites, and whatever else your heart desires, complete with star maps and precise timing. And there is an Android app, but unfortunately no iOS one last I checked. (For iOS you can use “Sputnik!” which is free and tells, when ISS and Hubble passes overhead.)

Night Sky Other astronomy app for iOS. If you hold your phone to the sky the app tells you what you're looking at (or point it at the ground for a view from the other side of the planet). Zoom in with two fingers and tons of deep space stuff is revealed.

Freecycle its literally people giving away stuff they don't need/want any more that they can't/don't care enough to sell.

Nexus Mods Has thousands of video game mods (for 1,509 PC games), made by independent content creators, available to download at no cost.

Archive The Archive aka Internet Archive is a non-profit library of millions of free books, movies, software, music, websites, and so much more... For example a lot of DOS games (classics like Prince of Persia, Oregon Trail, DOOM, Monkey island, Rayman, Turtles), directly playable through the browser.

#not my usual reblogs #but a few of these actually helped me get through uni #and I think it's important to advertise things to help other people get through their studies #plus I'm a big advocate for learning #so I hope someone out there finds use in at least one of these!#reblog

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violet-knox · 2 years

Text

Only Heroes Wear Capes

Year 7 - Chapter 75

Summary: Two years after graduating from Hogwarts, Severus finds himself fed up with his studies, looking forward to your return home instead.

Word count: 5006

A/N: Ahhh! I'm so excited to have started this part of the story! I can't wait to get to the pace of the story rolling. Hopefully I keep enough motivation to continue writing for this series. So much to explore, so little time to write! I currently didn't plan for any smut chapters for this part. I'm not sure if I'll ever write any more smut chapters for this series, but we shall see.

Previous Chapter - Chapter 1

It was pitch black when he finally left the potion-mixing room, same as it has been every day for the last few months. He couldn’t remember when the last time he saw the sun was and you were certainly noticing that. It wouldn’t be for much longer now. A few more weeks and he could start looking for a real job, one where he wasn’t treated like a hamster on a wheel told to go faster, one where he was actually paid for his work. These last two years seemed to have gone by so fast now that it was almost over. Yet a few weeks into his Potions Mastery, he could have sworn time had slowed down, feeling like it would take a thousand years to finish his studies. Every second of every day went by so slowly until he went home and crashed. And by the time he found himself able to catch his breath and grab a bite to eat, it was time to do it all over again the next day.

The first time you came home from a tournament, you looked absolutely shocked, like you didn’t recognize him. You told him he looked so pale and thin, you could have mistaken him for Death himself, and he knew it was true. His clothes had never been so loose, his skin whiter than the snow he walked through now. He swore he’d take better care of himself, and he did for a short while. But then you left a few months later and he returned to looking worse than he ever did. You both knew he needed you more than he could ever admit during his studies. He needed your support, your comfort. You motivated him to do better, to care for himself and when you weren’t there, when the only contact he had with you was a couple of letters, he spiraled down into an unhealthy disaster.

Just a couple more weeks, he kept telling you, trying to rationalize his actions, claiming he’d take better care of himself when this was all over, but he wasn’t sure if he’d be able to break some of the habits he’d grown accustomed to these last 2 years. He hoped that whatever job he got after this would accommodate your travels. He hated being apart for so long. He wanted to go with you, to be near you every week rather than every few months. He missed Hogwarts. Things just weren’t the same after you both graduated and nor did he expect them to be. He missed sitting on the bleachers watching you play, he missed eating with you during Christmas, he missed spending the evenings and weekends with you. He didn’t have any of that anymore. No Dining Hall to go to for a scheduled and prepared meal, no support from anyone, financially or otherwise and you were wrong about Spinner’s End. No matter what either of you did, it didn’t feel like home to him, it didn’t feel like it did when he was at Hogwarts.

Hogwarts was his home for seven years and he’d known no other home. He only felt happy at Spinner’s End when you were there. You were his home, his comfort. Wherever you were is where he felt happiest and you were almost never at Spinner’s End with him. The truth was, he’d spent more time in Spinner’s End than he did with you and sitting in that house alone only reminded him of his parents. But things will get better once he finished his Mastery. He’ll do better, feel better and perhaps Spinner’s End will begin to feel more like home.

Taking in a deep breath, he closed his eyes and apparated back to the Muggle world. There it was, the house that haunted his thoughts staring back at him when he opened his eyes. But today was the day you returned. It had to be. You told him two weeks ago you’d be on your way home and every day since he’d opened the doors hoping to see you there, hoping the house would turn back into his home away from Hogwarts once again and every day he would open the door to a dead house full of nothing but bad memories. Gripping the doorknob, he turned it slowly, pushing open the door. Today is the day, today is the day, today is the day.

The house was pitch black but he could smell a hint of lavender and soap swimming through the sitting room when he entered. You were here, you had to be. Severus closed the door behind him, placing his things on the couch and removing his shoes before heading upstairs to his room, your room. He smiled as he saw the door half open, your figure lying tired on your now shared bed fast asleep. He looked over at the clock and squinted. It was only 6 o’clock but judging by the smell of the house, he knew the first thing you did when you got home was start cleaning the house, he’d been neglecting these past few months. You never asked him to take better care of your belongings or this house when you were gone, and he could never understand why. This was your home, the house you’d grown to love and he knew you didn’t like coming back to looking the way it did. But you never complained, you never spoke a work, You only asked that he take care of himself. Every time you returned, he felt guilty for letting you come back to a filthy house, but he could never bring himself to care for a place that never cared for him.

Severus removed his thick cloak and gently laid it atop you, wondering why you’d crashed on top of the covers rather than beneath them. He wanted to slip into bed beside you, his body and mind aching from the long day he had, but he needed to do something for you, for the both of you. It was time he accepted Spinner’s End could never be the home Hogwarts was, but a home he could live in, nonetheless. Closing the door behind him, he made his way back downstairs and into the kitchen. Opening the fridge, expecting to find a few miscellaneous items, he let out a sigh of worry, realizing you’d gone grocery shopping as well. The fridge was full, easily two weeks’ worth of groceries stocking the shelves.

His guilt seeped in with every item he picked out, hoping he could one day make up for his own neglect. You shouldn’t have to care for him the way you do, tiring yourself out while picking up his slack, trying to make up for his decision to neglect himself and this house, your house. It didn’t matter to him that this was the house he lived in now, the house he could never seem to escape, nor did he care. But every time he thought of it as the place where you lived, the place you came back to over and over again, your house, your home, it broke him to pieces. With every slice of the knife, he thought about all the ways Spinner’s End had failed you since you moved in. The loud arguments from the neighbours, the stares and glares at the market, the broken pipes, the splintered wood, the small space.

Yet you always found a way to brighten up whatever situation you were in. He did love the bookshelves you’d found together, the ones that now lined every wall in the sitting room, waiting to be filled with as many books as they could take. He loved the taste of the tea you picked out, the smell of the candles you insisted on buying and pictures you made him take of the two of you, scattered all over the house. Those pictures were the only thing that kept him together while you were gone, the only reason he came back here when he knew you wouldn’t be there to greet him.

He put the dish in the oven and sat back, looking up at the window where you’d hung the photo taken on his last birthday. His eyes full of nothing but happiness in that moment, never leaving you as you placed a small cake in front of him, singing happy birthday. He would always treasure that moment, the feeling of being loved, celebrated and appreciated. But most of all, he treasured the idea of sharing such a memory with you over and over again as the years went by, as you grew old together and continued building your life. Maybe one day you’d make enough memories to fill this house, enough to cover up the darkness that stained every corner of this house from all those years living with his parents.

Taking the dish out of the oven, he reached for the plates he never touched unless sharing a meal with you, the plates you’d bought together along with the silverware. Turning on the kettle, he took out two teacups, and their saucers. He began to set the little table in the kitchen, happy there were two of everything. He smiled at the beauty of the pieces you’d both worked for, hoping one day the whole house would make him feel this happy. When the kettle began to whistle, he turned off the stove, poured the tea and carefully cared them to complete the table.

“So,” Severus turned around, his smile widening when he saw you walking towards him. “I woke up and there was this giant cape draped over me.”

You gestured to the black fabric tossed over your shoulders, dragging on the floor as you walked. It felt like you hadn’t seen him in forever, these last few months the hardest of your travels, knowing it would be the last for this year, that you’d have a lot more time with Severus this time. You were so excited to see him, you could hardly pay attention during your last game. All you could think about was coming home, seeing him and celebrating the end of your season and his studies. Two full years had gone by since the beginning of your life after Hogwarts. You were so used to life with Severus on Spinner’s End, playing Quidditch with your team and travelling all over the world that it felt like decades had gone by and yet, at times, it felt like no time had passed at all.

“It’s a cloak, not a cape,” Severus smiled as he walked towards you, meeting you halfway. He felt his heart warm with relief at the sight of you, his tense muscles completely relaxing like every worry, every problem he ever had had just melted away. Your lips formed the most beautiful smile, your eyes sparkling much brighter than the last time he saw you. Slowly, he pushed aside his cloak and slipped his hand along your waist, pressing you into him. You through your arms over his shoulders in response, your smile stretching from ear to ear as you stared back at him. You could hardly contain the happiness you felt, your heart pounding so hard you thought it might explode.

He wanted nothing more than to look into your eyes for the rest of his life, but his body gravitated towards you, his arms completely wrapped around you, pulling you into him as much as he could. His grip had never been so strong, his face completely buried in his own cloak as he hugged you.

“Severus,” you said, trying to get him to loosen his grip. He only mumbled in response, his hold on you never once faltering. You could never dream of someone loving you this much, and at certain times, that’s what your life felt like: a dream. You we’re apart more often than you were together since he started his Mastery, but the days you had together made up for every second of that. It was always like this, neither of you unable to keep your hands off each other. Nothing but happy memories were created when you were together, even if it was as simple as silently reading in bed or cuddling to the fire, your hearts filled to the brim with love for one another. “Sev, as much as I miss and love you, I do need to breathe.”

Severus immediately loosened his grip, realizing just how tight his hold on you was. He couldn’t help himself. There wasn’t a single moment in his life since he met you that he needed you more than he did now. You were the only reason he’d made it this far in his Mastery without turning to darker means of solving his problems. Instead, he bit his tongue, let your voice, your light guide him to complete his studies the right way and it meant the world to him that you’d be here when it was all over.

“I’m sorry. I just missed you so much.” He smiled at you as he held you, his hands refusing to let go of your waist, your warm hands a missed comfort laying on his chest. He could stay standing here for the rest of his life just to stay near you, happily dying in this very spot in this horrendous house so long as you were with him. But alas, Death would never be so kind as to give him such a gift and he would never bear it if Death claimed you along with him. Severus looked over at the set table, looking forward to finally sharing a meal with you, to share a bed with you again after so long. Reaching to the cloak you’d fastened around your neck, his hands went to relieve it from your shoulder when he felt a sharp sting from your own hand swatting him away.

“And what, may I ask, do you think you’re doing?” you asked as you took a step back and gripped the cape protectively. You pressed your lips together trying to contain your smile. You loved teasing him, something you’d begun to do more and more of these last two years.

“Taking back my cloak, as I assumed you didn’t want it by your complaints,” Severus rose a brow at you, wondering what it was that gave you such a need to act like he’d tried to take away your broomstick.

“I was not complaining,” you countered, letting your hands slide down the fabric. You loved this new piece of clothing he’d bought for himself. You’d told him before you left in September, he needed to find himself a winter coat, but you never imagined him coming home with something as dramatic as this. Only a few months of owning it and it already smelled like him, a delightful smell to wake up to, something you missed more than anything. “And no, I like your cape, I think I’ll keep it for a while.”

“It’s not a cape,” Severus corrected you once again, knowing full well you only continued misnaming it because you knew it bothered him. A cape. What a ridiculous notion. Why in Merlin’s name would he wear a cape like some sort of Muggle child. He turned around and took a seat at the table, hoping his action would derail you from your never-ending mission of irritating him.

“Really? Does it not billow behind you when you walk? Does it not drape over your shoulders when you wear it?” You spoke dramatically, gesturing the motions of the cape with your hands, your chin raised with the pride you knew he felt when he wore his cape. You hadn’t seen him wear it, yet you knew it suited him well. You always knew hidden behind that silent boy at Hogwarts was a dramatic man ready to save the world with his gifts, you just never thought he’d express it so boldly.

“A cloak does both of those things.” Severus rolled his eyes at your absurd argument and crossed his legs. He missed this. It was a stupid thing to miss, he knew that. Bickering wasn’t exactly something any couple strived to achieve, but he loved your little back and forth conversations about things that didn’t matter. He loved hearing your voice, seeing the passion in your eyes. He loved any conversation he had with you and he didn’t care what subject matter you discussed nor did he care who was right. He just wanted to be with you, to talk with you, to destress through you.

You smiled at him before looking down at the set table, realizing he must be starving, knowing he hadn’t eaten a thing all day. The topic of his eating habits was one you knew would never end and it annoyed you more than anything. Every time you saw him, you begged him to eat something, to care for himself and bring some food with him to the potion-mixing room, to at the very least eat breakfast before leaving. But every time you returned, you were disappointed to see he’d continued to neglect his food, getting skinnier with each visit. You worried for him, for his health and his wellbeing. But now that he was about to graduate, you hoped things would be different, that you’d be around more to help him regain himself again.

“I made your favourite,” Severus said, noticing your eyes fixed on the dish in the center of the table. He felt his heart flutter when he saw you smile, your eyes sparkling with joy as you quickly took your seat. He couldn’t remember the last time he had a proper meal, though it was likely the last time he’d seen you. He hated eating at this table alone, memories of his father walking into the kitchen and interrupting his breakfast to tell him he took up too much space always came flashing back when he sat here alone. But with you, things were different. He didn’t think about that past, he thought of the future and the countless meals you’d share together, the celebrations you’d have together.

“You didn’t have to do all this,” you said with a soft smile, knowing very well he only did this to pamper you. You didn’t think it was possible, but you thought he somehow was able to miss you more than you did him. He always went out of his way the first week you came back, constantly neglecting his studies, trying to make the most of every second you had together like it was the last you’d ever share. You were always trying to tell him to slow down, to focus on his studies, that you’d have the rest of your lives together, but you always failed to convince him.

“It was the least I could do after neglecting this house all these months.” This always happened. You came home, he felt guilty, he promised himself he would do better, and the cycle continued. Perhaps this time would be different. Perhaps this time his mind would be fully with you, he’d enjoy baking cookies with you during Christmas, enjoy opening your gifts, enjoy cuddling by the fire with hot cocoa. He wanted so badly to enjoy every bit of those moments with you, but his mind always wondered elsewhere. Not today, not this time.

“I know you’ve been busy with your studies Sev. I’m sure the house understands,” you tried to reassure him as you served him first, putting a reasonable amount of food on his plate, knowing he’d complain about the portion size. You put an equal amount on your plate and began to eat, making sure Severus did the same. “Speaking of, how are things going with your Mastery?”

“Slow. I thought I’d be done by now.”

“You’re graduating a year early! You’ll be finished your studies sooner than anyone else and you think it’s been slow?” Always so ambitious and you loved him for that. But sometimes you worried his ambition got the better of him. He undermined his achievements more often than he celebrated them, which was why you were going to make sure he celebrated properly once he received his degree.

“I’d be finished by now if that toad of a man left me be instead of trying to hover over me to take credit for everything I do,” Severus scoffed in irritation, his grip on his cutlery tightening. He hated his supervisor. And to think he was at one point honoured that he’d accepted him into his program, that he was one of the few in the World that got to study under such a man. Now he knew why he accepted so few candidates, why all the candidates had the highest marks. He was a fraud, cheating and lying his way to the top. “I’ve been memorizing my results every day, writing them down when I got home and keeping them here to prevent any thievery which has slowed down my work drastically.”

“Severus, that’s a bit extreme,” you argued, worrying for him over what he was saying. You knew that he was struggling, that he’d come to know he wasn’t learning from a Potion’s Master at all but a thief, claiming the work of his apprentices in exchange for funding. But you didn’t think Severus would fight back so hard. Your concern for his career grew. You didn’t want it ending before it even began, knowing how much power his supervisor had in the Potion’s community.

“What else am I to do? I can’t let him take credit for the work I’ve done.”

“I can’t wait for you to get out of there. I hate how horrible he is to you.”

Severus hated burdening his troubles on you. But it felt good. It felt good to have someone on his side, to support him when everyone else was against him.

“Just a few more weeks,” he whispered as he took another bite of food. Time couldn’t go fast enough. He wanted it to be over, to be free so he could go on and show the Wizarding World what real skill looked like, but for now, he would have to try and live through your victories instead. “How was your final game?”

“Oh, we lost. It was no surprise though with our best keeper out of commission, there was only so much we could do,” you said with a smile. You couldn’t care less what the outcome of the game was. You were just happy the season had ended. You loved your team and you loved playing Quidditch, but you grew tired of it and your body ached for a break from the constant training.

“You don’t seem awfully upset about the loss,” Severus raised a brow. You were usually very enthusiastic about Quidditch, especially during the first year you began playing professionally. He could still remember how happy and excited you were for your first game, wanting him to be there, sitting at the top podium to watch you play. He’d never seen you so determined before. You wanted your first game to be a win and you got your wish, the work and effort you put in paying off in the end.

“Honestly, I could only think about seeing you again the entire game. I didn’t care if we won or not, I just wanted to go home.” And that was the truth. You cared much more about him than you did anything else in the world, and that included Quidditch. You could tell he’d been struggling through the few letters he’d sent you, that he’d been unhappy alone in this house, alone at the potion-mixing room. The moment you felt his pain through his writing, you wanted to drop everything and return to him. Owls weren’t fast enough and words could never express how you felt. You needed to see him, to be there for him and help him out of the misery he found himself in.

You finished up the last of your food and picked up your teacup to finish up your tea. You looked down at Severus’ plate and as expected, saw he’d only finished half of what you’d served him. You both had a lot of work ahead of you and it had to start with self-care. Severus needed to learn to put himself before his studies, before anything, before you. You only wish it would be as simple as flipping a switch. At least he’d eaten something, which was likely an improvement on his current eating habits. Half a meal was a start you could work with.

“Thank you for cooking Sev. It was delicious,” you said.

Severus sat back in his seat and smiled, delighting you enjoyed the meal as much as he did. You’d barely been reunited an hour and already he felt like the happiest man alive. He couldn’t begin to imagine what his life would be like right now without you, how he’d be in a constant state of sadness and frustration. At least he could do this for you to make up for the fact that you spent your days off supporting and comforting him. Severus stood and reached for your empty plate, intending on clearing the table but you stopped him before he could pick up a single item.

“No, let me do that.” You quickly shooed away his hand and grabbed your plate along with his. “You’ve had a long day and you haven’t gotten a chance to rest.”

You placed your empty dish in the sink and his on the counter, waiting to be put away and turned back towards him. You smiled at him as you removed his cape and immediately began to miss his scent constantly surrounding you. He looked so tired, it was a wonder he was able to stay awake enough to make and eat dinner. “Run a bath and I’ll meet you upstairs?”

Severus nodded and took his cloak back before you leaned in to give him a quick kiss. He watched you pull out your wand to clear the rest of the table before he made his way out of the kitchen, unable to help himself from looking back at you. He loved seeing you in this house. He’d completely forgotten this was his childhood house when he saw you so comfortable in it. With you here, it was just a place he shared with the person he loved, a home you were building together. You made it all worth it, the sadness he felt coming home to an empty house when you weren’t here, the stress he felt during his studies, the loneliness he endured every night. It was all worth it just to have a few moments like this with you.

With a deep sigh, he tore his eyes away from you and made his way up the stairs. He walked to the bathroom and turned on the faucet to fill up the tub, adjusting it to your preferred temperature. He rummaged through the cupboards and added some bath salts and oils, putting aside the last few rose petals you had left, knowing you’d scold him for using them up, saying he should have saved them for a special occasion. But this was a special occasion to him. What could be more special than the love of his life returning home after being away for so long? Absolutely nothing.

While the tub filled up, he walked across the hall and opened his parents’ room. He always kept this room closed and for the first year and a half, no one ever went near this room. You respected that he wasn’t ready to move in here despite the fact that it was larger than his room and he loved you even more for it. Slowly, he walked to the edge of the bed, sitting down on his mother’s side. He reached over to the nightstand and opened it, reaching in to grab the small pouch he’d hidden in here the first day you’d moved in together. He emptied the pouch into his and stared down intently at its contents.

He’d been coming in here a lot lately, especially when you weren’t here. He missed you beyond belief these last few months, his heart breaking every night when he went to bed alone. He was almost ashamed to say he cried most nights. He had nothing to look forward to when you weren’t here with him and surprisingly, he found comfort sitting in this room. He imagined himself moving into this room with you, surprising you one day when you came home to a larger room, a larger bed, a nightstand of your own, a secondary bathroom with a bigger tub, a big window letting in the sun when you woke up in the morning next to one another.

He dreamed of a day where you both pledged to spend the rest of your lives together, a day where he’d take out the ring he held in his hand and ask you to marry him. Marriage was never something he thought he would consider with how horrible a marriage his parents had. But when his mother sent him her family ring, the Prince family ring, he knew Fate was on his side. He knew he would ask you eventually, he knew that you were meant to be the day he realized you loved him just as much as he did you. But time fought against him. Excuses after excuses. He could never find the right time to propose, you were too busy, he was busy, he couldn’t find the perfect location, the weather wasn’t right. He wanted it to be perfect, to be the best day of both your lives but he couldn’t figure out how to achieve that just yet. For now, he put the ring back into the nightstand and closed the door, hiding away his dreams to be shared another day.

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