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Man: “Doctor, I don’t understand. What do you mean when you say that I’m ‘infertile’?”

Doctor, grabbing the man’s jingly bits:

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“WhErE aRe ThE cHiLdReN????????”

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actually this fucking slaps

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:O

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Space Jam (1996)

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this is the best interview Tim Heidecker has ever given and it’s only 39 seconds long

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hatsune miku executing the noid at point blank range hope you enjoy

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On April 1st you trick. Exactly one half year later on October 31st you treat.

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Happy Easter

The children dash through the field. An egg is spotted; a boy whistles, and a man in a beard smashes the egg with a large hammer. A few more are found and disposed of in rapid succession; a pink egg with blue wavy lines is shattered; a green one with purple polka dots explodes in a mess of yellow pus and half-developed bones; an orange one starts to crack along its equator, but a woman with a thick stone tray detonates it before it can relinquish its spawn. A girl screams as a small white creature lashes onto her ankle and sinks teeth deep into flesh. Her father screams and tears the thing in twain. Her sobs of pain turn to desperate pleas, but the man knows his child’s fate all too well; he only pauses a moment before his baseball bat slices through the air and embraces her soft features.

After an hour, all of the eggs in the field have been demolished. Their dead number in the middle twenties; not bad, all things considered. A dog runs toward a small copse on the edge of the field, its adrenaline still rushing from the morning’s attack. A boy rushes after the creature, still reeling from the morning’s work. His father waits patiently for a moment, then calls to the boy; no response. Again he calls, a mite more forcefully; again, he receives no answer. He calls three other able bodies and trots into the wood. It isn’t long before he starts to see the trail of blood on the muddy path.

No, he thinks, it’s not possible. The eggs never trail into the wood. They need direct sun to grow and develop. How could this be?

Upon reaching a clearing, he got his answer. A storm had ravaged a small cluster of trees deep in the center of the forest, and among their corpses, dry and withered in the fresh April sunlight, a group of eggs, numbering in the low fifties. All were split evenly along their middles, and the top halves hung by a small hinge of shell. The body of the dog lay heaped to the side of the trees. Around its various bite and claw marks, white fur began to poke through, and two sharp teeth jutted from the roof of its maw.

The hunt had begun, and they were far too late to save anyone.

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IT by @kevin-a-carter

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The Dark Tower (2017)

Let me start this by saying: I have only read the first of the Dark Tower novels upon which this movie is based. It was gripping, exciting, and more than a little melancholy. But I never continued; it wasn’t that I didn’t like it, but rather that I didn’t think I could commit myself to reading an 8 volume series while also trying to wrap my mind around all of the connections each character and object and event in the series was alluding to. For those who don’t know, this series is the backbone of each and every Stephen King work; they all exist in this enormous universe, and the Dark Tower books make up an adventure that ties key characters and events from those books together into one sprawling narrative.

No wonder, then, that it’s taken them decades to adapt the series to film. It’s a similar undertaking as trying to make a 2-hour blockbuster version of The Silmarillion; you would leave stuff out, inevitably, and purists would be enraged while newcomers would be baffled. So what do you do? Do you do a book-by-book adaptation, like Peter Jackson did with Lord of the Rings, and hope the contents of each book deliver enough emotional heft to keep viewers engaged and wanting more? Do you take that model and do a television series instead, like Barry Sonnenfeld did with A Series of Unfortunate Events, while trying to dance around censorship issues and hoping to compel enough viewers to warrant a second season? Or do you merely take elements from each of the books and Frankenstein them together into a quasi-generic action cliche of a movie and just pray that nobody abjectly despises what you have wrought?

The creators apparently decided to do all three at once, and came up with a half-decent movie that pissed off fans, confused the uninitiated, and kind of bored me. The premise is simple enough: a mysterious Man in Black is using psychic children to power a laser that is aimed at the titular Dark Tower, trying to destroy it and then rule the universe. You see, the Tower is the backbone of the multiverse, which is in turn surrounded by “darkness and fire,” and if the Tower falls, chaos will invade the universes. The movie takes this lovably batshit premise and makes it, well, boring. It’s not the fault of the actors; Idris Elba and Matthew McConaughey are absolutely perfect as the last Gunslinger and the Man in Black, respectively, and Tom Taylor is decent as audience conduit Jake Chambers. But the pacing and framing of the story is sluggish and simplistic, almost as if the director cut and pasted the plot motivation from a Wikipedia article and decided that was good enough.

The action sequences are pretty exciting; I was reminded of the sci-fi extrava-gun-za Equilibrium, wherein Christian Bale would dart around firing precise shots at his opponents while dodging or deflecting every attack of theirs with precision. Elba has a similar routine of knowing all of the good cover and where his enemies are, but where Bale did all of his gun work without breaking a sweat, Idris as Roland Deschain always looks like he’s concentrating, always looking for the next henchman or demon to come running at him. You feel very much that he’s not some robot with mechanical precision; each enemy that dies is an enemy that could very easily have killed him, and he almost looks grateful when things go right.

I think my problem with the movie is that I HAVE read one of the books, so I know that this quest to stop Walter O’Dim is a monumental undertaking, whereas this film doesn’t even cross the two-hour mark. The action scenes are excellent, but they feel very small-scale considering the epic yarn Stephen King wove in the books. I was for a while undecided as to whether or not I even liked the movie, leaning toward the “not liking” side of things, until I remembered something I noticed during the movie.

Most action movies have characters spraying thousands of bullets into rooms at one another, only stopping to reload when it is narratively convenient. They’ll share a quip or two while they load their 572-shot magazine into their tiny pistol and continue to unload their guns with reckless abandon. In this movie, for the first time I can recall, the makers kept track of how many bullets Roland would spend. I found myself counting, and whenever I got to six I would think, “He needs to reload.” And there he was, popping six more shots into the chamber. This was no big deal pacing-wise because it demonstrated early in the film that he was lightning-quick at loading guns, but it was a touch of realism that made me enjoy the movie on a level I’m not sure even they intended.

In short, it kinda sucks but the gunfights are cool.

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Goosebumps #14

The Werewolf of Fever Swamp (1993)

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Esmeralda: I just got a new tambourine, what should I put in it?


Clopin: Put spaghetti in it.


Esmeralda: I’m taking suggestions from anyone else.
Phoebus: Put spaghetti in it.


Esmeralda: I’m taking suggestions from anyone except you two.


Quasimodo: Put spaghetti in it.

Esmeralda: I’m no longer taking suggestions.