wanderlikefinch

[wanderlikefinch]

The worst part about feeling like this is the unkowning.

I can't alway put my finger on what is exactly the problem.

I'll torture myself saying that if there isn't a reason I can't be sad.

The torment and darkness feels heavy and sinking starting in my head pounding from the constant overthinking right down to my toes, as if I could sink right through the ground to be lost forever. I'm numb but uncomfortable. Like an itch I can't scratch.

I have to really dig deep to get myself out. I've found that going right back to basics is what works best.

I'll always try and ring the appropriate people those organisations, the helplines, the hospital the counselors, but the thing is, they haven't done a whole lot for me. They weren't there picking me off the floor sobbing till there's nothing left, they didn't see me literally tearing myself apart and screaming because the pain and voice in my head wouldn't go away. It's been my family and my close friends, it's been the poetry I've discovered in my darkest hours, it's been the music speaking words too honest to be read aloud.

It's hard not to feel guilty for doing what you need to do to look after yourself but let me tell you getting yourself out of the fucking massive dark hole of an abiss is the hardest thing I ever have to do and to know it probably won't ever be my last is draining and the thought of knowing this mist hangs over me every damn day, over everything I do is the worst. But we are one. At least for now. The darkness will linger and we learn to exist and live together it's just that sometimes the darkness wins the battle but I'll be the one to win the war.

[wanderlikefinch]

The Dreamers

Sometimes I feel I'm too passionate about somethings. Too attached to people, books, films, TV shows, characters and places and when they leave or disappear I'm just more hurt and a little more broken than before.

I want to delve deep into a character's minds, their wishes and fears a possible real life that someone else real has also once lived

I want to know how people feel certain emotions that I can't and meet extroadinary people that I won't whilst I'm stuck in this dull town.

I want to imagine places that may or may not exist, discuss and pull apart theories and possibilities, I know so much about their stories and themselves that I become part of their world. We have the ability to travel anywhere we want in our imagination whilst sitting on our sofa or on the grass or in the cinema.

A part of me knows that those of us that feel like this maybe want to escape which is sad I know, but it may also be a thirst for adventure or an urge to live a life we maybe wouldn't of got the chance too. We want to walk in someone else shoes for alittle while and learn more about ourselves and the world in the process.

Maybe... if we were all alittle more honest and true to ourselves and revealed ourselves like a book to each other. Page by page, everyone would understand each other a little bit better. And the world might be a better place for it.

What gets me is that look that people give you when your "obsessed" with a book, film, series, game or story. It's hard. You feel more out of place than you knew you already we're. But then again it's empowering because we have the imagination, the emotional scale and capacity to dream things that others couldn't even begin to imagine.

We are creative, we are different and we are dreamers. So don't ever stop being passionate about the things you love.

[wanderlikefinch]

The Depression Demon

That's it.

I'm done.

I'm sick of you hanging around,

Making me feel sick, shaky and my head begin to pound.

You've overstayed your welcome

It's time for you to leave

You've pushed it way to far now

But I can still believe.

You've pushed me further down now

Struggling day and night

But I'm only growing stronger and ready for the fight.

With the army of friends and family around me, there's nothing I can't do

Have you given all you can now? Because I definitely think we're through.

You made it hard for me to smile, eat, drink and sleep

But I pushed all the boundaries and hope is what I keep.

That one day I will make it, happy, safe and free.

Free from all those demons,

The ones that crowed me.

By doing the simplest little things like taking a bath or making a cup of tea,

Because it's those little victories that will help me win the war,

And live the life I've always dreamed of

The one I always saw.

So runaway away now back to where you once came.

Because I am returning, like a phoneix from the flames.

[wanderlikefinch]

These past few months have been pretty damn hard. I haven't been able to put my finger on why? Or what triggers my episodes. Which is quite often the most frustrating thing. At least if you know the problem you're half way to dealing with it. But I think one of the main things is. My life is so utterly different now. My job, my living situation, the people I surround myself with, my day to day routines. My thoughts and opinions. And I think I haven't really given myself time to sit down and collect my thought on my new life and the way I feel about everything. For so long now I've just kind of got my head down and ploughed on through to avoid the elephant in the room. I miss my home, my family and my little quite wilderness I called my own. I miss not having to worry about money so much, wondering if I'll make it through the month. I hate struggling at work and having to pretend to be okay with it. I hate the anxiety I get just walking down the street in my own damn home town. I hate how I can't be with the one I love more often and if we do get away it's because we have permission from work which governs our lives. I hate how I find the simplest things so difficult. I hate how the people I did everything for left me in my time of need. I hate the ache in my chest when I sink to my knees because the pain of living is just too much. I hate having to watch my loved ones try not to cry when they see my scars.

All of it just hurts and I feel like I've lost myself again and I don't even know what to do this time to bring myself back and I'm scared it will cost me so much. For now I just need to sleep and hope tomorrow is brighter. And dream of better days ahead.

[wanderlikefinch]

[wanderlikefinch]

[wanderlikefinch]

Crazy

Crazy is something different to everyone, we can be crazy in love, crazy stupid or just straight up damn crazy in the head. I like to think the best people are a combination of all 3.

I had an emphiany today which was the result of many things happening throughout the week.

One being at work today I was putting through a lottery ticket and 2 co workers stopped and looked at me and said "why on earth do you do it that way" I looked at them back more dumbfounded if anything. It wasn't a wrong way. Just a different way. It got the same result. They continued to explain that their way was so much easier and instead of agreeing with it and obeying their quite forceful suggestions I turned to them and said "yes. It may easier, for you that is. But not for me. And I continued on with a smirk on my face and feeling rather fucking proud. I was, for one thing, standing up for myself and also accepting that my mind worked in a different way and that was okay.

I've spoken about how I feel more free and  more me than I've ever been and alot of that has come with the acceptance of my crazy. I saw things and did things that once upon a time would of made me want to shrivel up into a ball and disappear with embarrassment. Now when i see the look of confusion or disapproval on people's faces...i do it with more confidence. And the truth being most of the time it's the other people that are more embarrassed than you. And to be truthful that's their problem. Not mine.

Dark thoughts and comments cross my mind on the daily and I never share them. But I've become more at peace with them. I know it's a part of me. And that is also okay. The second event was also at work (I live there in case you didn't already know) the security guard saw my scars on my arms and asked about them which was fine and then said "you ought to cover those up somehow) again once upon a time I would of been enraged. Instead I looked at him and said, "no? They're the newest additions alongside my tattoos" I flicked my hair and walked away. Whilst the security guard almost choked on air.

I have scars and yes I relapsed the other day but they're proof I got passed it and prevented me from doing worse. So fuck you. Hell I'll even wear a tank top next time so you get the full show of all my battles because if that bothers so much it'd give me the greatest satisfaction to show you how crazy I really am because i have lived through hell and back in my head in the past 5 minutes while you ate your sandwich and you had no idea.

So just because someone does something a different way or acts a different way to you. Think twice. Because you never know how someone else ticks. We're all crazy here.

[wanderlikefinch]

When you know, you know.

Today I learned that a close family members marriage had broken down and were getting a divorce. I've been thinking about relationships alot recently both good and bad things and I think its absolutely terrifying. I've always been someone who loves too much..(if that's even a thing) and it sounds so pathetic say, but to lose someone who I love is the thing I am probably more scared of over anything else. Above money, dying, or being unsuccessful it physically aches to think of putting so much time, effort, commitment and love into a person for them to turn round 20+ years later and not love you anymore or to suddenly love someone else. In today's world 50% of all marriages will end in divorce. And in 2017 204,014 people got divorced. That's a disgusting statistic. The main age range of divorce is 45-50 years old, meaning that at least 60% of marriages are expected to end by their 20th wedding anniversary.

Now weather that's because of how we as humans have changed from our parents or even the increase in technology is too tempting for people and makes it almost "too easy" to cheat on someone I have no idea. But it does come down to morals and the way the world is changing. We're told to do this and that and the stress is unreal. But then again it was for our parents and grandparents but the difference was you MADE it work. If something wasn't right you talked about it, if you were angry so what, but let's not go to bed upset with one another. You got a problem? Sit down and work it out. People are lazy, they don't want to know now.

I am lucky enough to have the most wonderful loving parents who are still together and very much in love. They've had troubles don't get me wrong, like everyone. But at the end of it all they made a promise. You can see the love between them, the compromises they make and the joy they share and they are what's left that gives me faith in today's society that no matter how shit things get you have that person to lean on and hold you and love you and somedays it's all you have. But the bottom line being that they are all you need.

I feel like the luckiest girl alive to of found someone who is mature enough to know what it takes to make the dream work. Effort, time and love no matter how far away you may be or how hard things may get. My home isn't a building. Its him. And recently it was a couple of years since a lad...well boy I should say, did me wrong and it probably scared me for life. Because let me tell you there is nothing worse then being told and made to believe that you were not good enough so much that you didn't even deserve the truth! So no matter what I will work my hardest and give everything I have to this man of mine because he's shown me what it's like to love again when i never thought it possible. I've known it from when we were 14 sitting on the drama step at school and I'll know it 50 years later, because when you know, you know.

[wanderlikefinch]

My Anesthetic For Life

Ok. So I haven't written in a long time. I've been searching for 'something to write about' thoughts, quotes and ideas have flown past me and I've written them down but never used them. But I realised that I don't NEED to write about anything it can just be chunks, quotes, thoughts and emotions. I just need to get them out. As long as you have something to say, someone is sure to listen. So I'm setting out writing this without an idea of how it'll end up so let's see where we go.

After the most trying 4 months without a job and the stress and emotional knock back of my old job I've finally found myself in a job I love with lovely people, good money and good hours. Which apparently is a hard thing to ask for in a job nowadays. Of course I wouldn't be here or of been able to get through those months without my amazing family and my love, Will. To them all, I owe my life. But one thought I kept jotting down the other day was frequent comments at work about my smile. I get good and bad customers all the time dintget me wrong. But that day I'd had some particularly arsey people that just managed to piss me off in every way humanly possible, until an elderly lady came to me and took my hand in hers and said to me "you have the most gorgeous and genuine smile, a smile that you don't see very often in this day and age, don't ever let anyone take that away from you" I could of crumpled at her feet and wept at her kind words. It immediately lifted my soul and i thought to myself yes. I was having a bad day but if i can still put a smile on and put up with the tosspots of this town then I can do anything. I smile at every customer even though many don't even look in my direction or say anything as I serve them or pack their bags but to the 1 or 2 in every 50 people that smile it makes their day.

I've been jotting bits and peices down for a couple months now and looking back at those scrappy letters thrown on paper i saw that my heads been so full the past couple of months that the words and ideas have been there but I've just been too conscious about how to piece them all together. I've become so much more aware of how those "2 sides" of me seperate and work together it bothered me in the begging that I was stuck between what I "should" do and what i 'want' to do. Everyone has them but mine are just seem stronger sometimes they fight and bicker and cause my head to feel heavy and tired and I tend to try and run from them. But I'm trying hard to work with them both I know I might have to live with them for a long time so it's worth attempting to live in harmony with both of the me's.

I've also been thinking about my writing and my escapes, poetry, music, reading. And noticed how important yet dangerous they are. Yes my writing can be an escape but to let your thoughts leak out on paper and see the truth with your own eyes isnt easy. But I'm becoming less afraid of those words, because "sometimes there's beauty in the tough words it's all in how you read them." In music alot of people just sing the song not noticing the lyrics but when you really listen that's when it gets real. The truth, the hurt, the pain that seeps through, they too are raw feelings and emotions and in alot of artists songs I've begun to see the some of the best people are in fact a little broken and maybe we do make the best art when we are hurting.

I think alot of people make art, write, sing or read to cope with life and that whilst you are doing those things you feel alive and that maybe it's the feeling of a part of us being left behind, a legacy, or to be remembered, or to share something with people who are also hurting. Without knowing, to write, sing or read is the best therapy that any of us can have. So I'll leave you with a quote from a beautiful film (Bohemian Rhapsody) "Being Human is a condition that requires a little Anesthetic " yes life is shite but you must find whatever you need to, to help you make it through. Lifes too short to be bitter sad or angry so find what sets your soul on fire and let it burn.

So Ladies and gents I've found my Anesthesia. Now go find yours.

[wanderlikefinch]

[wanderlikefinch]

Ive been feeling this for a long time now but ive never found the words until i saw this.

“Sometimes I feel as though there are two me’s, one coating directly on top of the other: the superficial me, who nods when he’s supposed to nod and says what he’s supposed to say, and some other, deeper part, the part that worries and dreams… Most of the time they move along in sync and I hardly notice the split, but sometimes it feels as though I’m two whole different people and I could rip apart at any second.”

— Lauren Oliver, Delirium (via books-n-quotes)

[wanderlikefinch]

[wanderlikefinch]

“If you don’t fit in, you’re probably doing the right thing.”

— Unknown

[wanderlikefinch]

[wanderlikefinch]

It has taken me a while to be able to put into words the way i was treated and how i felt but now i am not ashamed and i feel strong enough and feel its necessary to get off my chest. Last week after not a single bit of contact with my work for 2 weeks (as i was signed off for depressive episodes and marked as 'unfit to work' by my doctor) I was sacked due to 'lack of attendance'...which was due to my mental health of which i had doctors notes for and had offered to alter my work which better suited them to make up for any inconvenience. After asking my work for support in the weeks previously, i was told that i should "leave my mental health at the door" and that "everyone has issues" which was a massive knock to my self confidence and i walked out that meeting feeling, ashamed, useless and pathetic. I was working in horrific conditions, 28 degree heat, understaffed and overworked and treated badly all of which contributed to my ill mental health and yet i was dismissed because of an illness that is out of my control. The job caused me to relapse and bring in several major depressive episodes. I did my best to work hard, make residents smile and attend work even on the days i thought life wasnt worth living anymore. Thanks to the support of my friends, boyfriend and family i have come out of this in one peice and a better person and trying to remain optimistic in my new job search. However they have not heard the last of me. I will NEVER let someone else be treated the way i was and i will fight every day until people decide to grow up and face facts that Mental Health IS REAL and effects almost ALL of us at somepoint in our lives. So to my work and the mangement that dismissed me... Fuck you.

[wanderlikefinch]

It's Not What We Take, It's What We Leave 👣

On today's adventure my wonderful man took me to the lake. I'm most at home by the water or in the woods and as the sun slowly set, I could feel my worries washing out with waves. We were walking along the shoreline when I came across a tree and had the sudden urge to carve our initials into it. Mid way through when Will took over, it crossed my mind as to why we feel the need to do things like that? Not just tree carvings but anything from padlocks on a bridge, to etched names in stones, and even piles of rocks on top of mountains. And it occurred to me that maybe we're all afraid of being forgotten or maybe we like the idea of a part of us being left behind after we're gone or maybe it's the tie we feel with a loved one that making a mark means that the love with last forever, even if we don't. It's a sign to others, a mark of where we've been, to show others mountains we've conquered so that in years to come people may gasp at how long our names have been there, becoming apart of nature throughout the years. It's a reminder of memories shared and times gone by, our favourite places or special occasions. Time passes us by so quickly that sometimes taking a minute to leave a part of us behind can be truly magical and it brings it back into the forefront of my mind that, Its not what we take it's what we leave.

[wanderlikefinch]

It's Just a Bad Day, Not a Bad Life.

Recently everything has been getting me down. Its felt like everythings falling apart, works going down hill, lonlieness and money worries are just the top of the things running through my head like a vortex. But today i found myself sitting on a park bench re-watching old videos, some of friends at the beach, parties or roadtrips, some of my family at gatherings, days out and holidays and a large quanity of my brother which makes an album in itself! I found myself laughing aloud and a feeling of comfort fell over me. I didn't miss those times but instead i just couldnt wait to make more like it. Thats when i realised its not a bad life its just a bad day. And i needed to sit down and watch those videos to remind myself that its those moments of belly laughs, smiles and giggles that make your time here worth living. So much is messed up in the world and with myself right now but those moments that really make you feel alive are what 'life' really is to me. And having those videos and pictures to look back on helps me put perspective on things and actually makes me feel pretty damn good about whats to come.