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[welcometotheshitshowyo]

Today On "My Life As A Talentless POS" AKA My Future In Mother-In-Law Is An Amazing Artist

What's up y'all! Today isn't really a hot mess post, but more of a brag post on my future mother-in-law, because she is an incredible artist who deserves to be recognized! I'll shut up now and just show you! I'll also post a picture of the whale I drew today, just to show you how bad I suck.

[welcometotheshitshowyo]

Some more of her art

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More of her art

[welcometotheshitshowyo]

Today on "My Life as the Owner of 3 Asshole Dogs" AKA My Dogs bed exploded.

What's up y'all! So today is gonna be a short one but believe me it's definitely one of the definitions of shit show. So my dogs are dicks and both of them decided to poop in their crates yesterday while I was at work. Well, me being the loving, caring owner that I am, I threw their beds and blankets in the wash. When I took my dog Atlas's bed out of the dryer, I noticed some of the stuffing had come out. It wasn't a lot, so I didn't think anything of it so I threw it in the dryer and forgot about it until I was getting ready to go to bed. As soon as I opened the dryer, I realized I had fuuuucked up because that motherfucker literally EXPLODED. Piles upon piles of stuffing fell out. Which I just left on the floor and in the dryer to be dealt with today because ain't nobody got time for that. So I threw what was left of his bed into his crate, which he then proceeded to piss all over... you're welcome buddy 🙄🙄

The moral of the story? Don't get shithead dogs. Just kidding I love them, but dear god do they be testing me. Until next time 😜🐶💩

[welcometotheshitshowyo]

Today on "My Life as A Freaking Disaster" AKA Today Sucks Dirty Ass

Hey y'all, so I had another big old post for ya today, but when I tried to save it as a draft so I could proofread it before I posted, something glitched and it disappeared 🙄 some other things that happened today: pretty sure I have a stress fracture in my foot, I've been on the phone with Sullivan university and lawyers all day today because the school is trying to charge my boyfriend $3500 for 2 weeks of class, my sunglasses got caught and ripped a chunk of my hair out, I had to got to 3 different gas stations, on E, to try and get gas because everywhere was closed, people are being just general dumbasses, and I'm honestly surprised I haven't had a brain aneurysm yet. So yeah there's that. On the bright side, tomorrow is already Wednesday, I get paid tomorrow, and my boyfriend isn't working late tonight, so trying to stay positive. But all I have to say to yall is I GODDAMN TOLD YOU SO. Happy Tuesday Y'all, until next time! 😭😅😩

[welcometotheshitshowyo]

Today on "My Life As A Firm Believer in the Unknown Part 1" AKA The Time I Had An Alien Encounter

What's up guys, it's me, ya girl. Back at it again! Today I'm going to tell you about the time my boyfriend and I witnessed something we couldn't explain. Another fun fact about me, I am a believer. 100%. Bigfoot, aliens, ghosts, all the spooky things that can't be explained, I live for it. And I've had several encounters of things I can't explain. So, without further ado, this is the story of my alien encounter.

So where I'm from, it's a lot of country roads and corn fields. And one of the main activities we do for fun is drive around. Well my boyfriend was taking me home one night and we decided to take the long way to my parents house. The long way included driving lots of dark, narrow country roads. We were talking, laughing, having a great time. And we decided we were going to attempt to find a place called the coffins, which is known to be haunted. So we're driving around trying to find this place, I have what I thought were the directions. Everything was going fine. Until we got to a little, itty bitty town outside of my hometown called Bobtown. Now Bobtown is notorious for not being a good area in the first place. Lots of meth cookers and country bumpkins. So when the directions tell us to turn left all of a sudden, into someone's driveway, I started getting a little concerned. So we slow down, look at the driveway, trying to figure out what the hell we need to do, when all of a sudden a very bright white light flashed and just like that was gone. And when I say it was bright, I mean BRIGHT. It illuminated everything. Now I know what you're thinking. No it wasn't a flash light. And it wasn't headlights. Or a porch light. I was looking right at the house and I can tell you, no one was outside, there were no lights on, nothing. It was like 11:30 at night. No one was even home. This light flashed almost right above us, behind a tree. At first, we thought maybe it was a trail cam or something these people had placed in their tree to keep people away. So of course we high tail it the fuck down the road. My boyfriend looked at me and told me that he felt really sick. And honestly I didn't feel good either. Now my boyfriend is a big boy. Hes 6'2" 260 lbs. Not a whole lot scares him. But let me tell you, he looked a little freaked out. I was freaked out, but I was more curious than anything. So after a few minutes of convincing, he finally agreed to drive back by the house, to see if we could see anything. On the way back, I decide to turn the radio on to make it less creepy. Well I change the station and the first thing I hear is what I can only describe as alien music from a movie. I'll post the video.

We pull up to the house, and theres nothing. Still no light on, no one outside. Nothing. We drove by a few more times and didn't see anything again. So we decided to just leave. As we were driving away back towards my parents house, the same bright light flashed again, a little longer this time. It illuminated the road in front of us and behind us. I turned around just in time to see it fade, from behind the same tree. Me and him look at each other, and he almost stomps the gas pedal through the damn floor. We looked at each other, not saying a word. Just wide eyed and trying to process what the fuck just happened. When we both looked up, we were back at the stop sign that would lead us home. Now that sounds all fine and normal, but we had no idea how we had gotten there so fast. Even driving as fast as he had, it still should've take us 10 minutes to get there. It took us 2 minutes. We have no idea how it happened and neither of us remembers the drive at all. We remember leaving and then suddenly we were at the stop sign. At this point we are both starting to freak out. So we get to my parents house, and start telling my mom all about it. Her response was "what are you 2 smoking". Of course she didn't believe us. Well us being the dumbasses we are, we decided to go back the next day. We went when it was light outside to see if there were any trail cams anywhere. Absolutely nothing. It was cold out so you could see right through the trees and there was nothing there. So we went back that night. And nothing. No light. No spooky music. Nothing. So yeah that's my story. I know it's not that exciting, but to this day my boyfriend and I haven't been back there, and we get spooked if we see a bright light. Soo if anyone has any explanations please for the love of god tell us. But honestly, I hope it was aliens.

Whats the moral of this story? Well just as one of my favorite tumblr posts said "you don't have to believe in everything. But don't fuck with it just in case." Until next time everybody! Unless I get abducted first 👽👽👽

[welcometotheshitshowyo]

Today on My Life as a Clumsy Fuck AKA the Time I Almost Died on a Camping Trip

Hey guys, I'm baaaack! Today I'm going to amaze and entertain you with a harrowing tale of the time my clumsy ass almost died (multiple times) on a camping trip. So first things first, I'm clumsy. Like, bad. If it's on the floor, I trip over it. Even air. And believe me this will not be the last time you hear of my amazing clumsiness.

About a year ago, me and a couple friends decided we were going to take a five day camping trip to Cumberland Falls in Kentucky. If you've never been I highly recommend it, it's absolutely beautiful! So I get all packed and hit the road, planning to meet my other friends there. Now, a little info about those 2. They're very adventurous and they love to take the path less traveled. Like Bear Grylls without all the piss drinking. And don't get me wrong, I'm adventurous too. I love being outside in nature and exploring. So naturally I assumed I would have no problem keeping up with them. Well you know what the say about assuming. And I definitely made an ass out of me. Anyway, we all meet up in the parking lot and decide to just jump right into the adventuring. We immediately jump right into the dare devil shit. They walk over to this little rock cliff and find an opening that we could climb through. So they made their way up through the crevice and finally it was my turn. Now 2 things about me: 1) I'm 5'1" and 2) I have the joints of an 80 year old (thanks to the notorious Fibromyalgia or whatever the hell I have). So I'm looking up at this crevice, and I start getting bold. Like yeah I can do this, I ain't no bitch. And I reach up as far as I can, grab ahold of the rock, and proceed to swing my leg up. Well as I did this, my hip was pretty much like you done fucked up. And boy was it right. After I finally more or less dragged my body through the rocks, I stood up and almost fell over. My hip was throbbing and I was already ready to go sit by the fire and eat marshmallows. And this was only 5 minutes into the hike.

A few hours later, hip still hurting, the trip was going pretty well. There were some pretty great views and it was really nice out. We decided to take a dip in the river for awhile. All in all, things went well there too, except my friends got some parasites all over them 🦠 when we finally decided to keep moving, we soon came to another out cropping of rock that needed climbing. And of course, I get about 5 feet off the ground on this cliff and my foot slips. I fell right on my back. Luckily I was wearing a backpack (which also happened to have my expensive camera in it), so that kept me from smashing the back of my head on a rock. But it still hurt like a motherfucker. I laid on the ground for about 5 minutes just laughing my ass off because I'm so dumb. And that isn't even the worst of it.

So, keep in mind we've been hiking all day, about 5 or 6 hours over rough terrain and climbing up rocks. I'm tired, its hotter than satan's balls, and my body has already taken quite a beating. Well we finally made it back to a trail. I saw a sign that said we only had 1/2 a mile left. That put a tiny minuscule of pep back into my step. I was still lagging behind, which was fine with me. I was just so ready to make it back. This is where the fun really begins. Eventually we come across a decent size log laying across the path. It wouldn't have been a hard obstacle had I been able to control my body. Well I attempted to step over the log. And when I say attempted, I mean my brain said to stretch my leg up and over the log, but, like a bad game of telephone, my legs misread the message. I actually stepped directly onto the log. Which was covered in moss and very slippery. I lifted my other foot, and put all my wait on the other foot that was standing on the log, and it was at that moment I realize, I fucked up. My foot immediately slips off the log, and jams itself between the log and a large jagged rock. I fell. Hard. As I came crashing down, only one hand came up to catch myself. And guess where all my weight went? Yep! All on my right wrist. With a very audible POP. I immediately unjam my leg and plop my ass right down on the ground. I grab my wrist and immediately start yelling FUCK FUCK I THINK MY WRIST IS BROKEN. It had already started to swell and It HURT. Then I noticed that the leg that had been jammed between the rock and the log hurt a hell of a lot worse. I looked down and noticed a huge white spot where a chunk of my skin had been ripped off, and there was blood and scrapes all over. I don't get queasy when I'm around blood or see wounds. Ever. But I almost passed out. Because my friend looked at my leg and said "oh my god is that your bone??" He offered to carry me but, again, I ain't no bitch. So I slowly, and very painfully, got up. I proceeded to limp another half mile back to the entrance of the trail. I emerged from the woods like I had just escaped Michael Meyers. As we are walking up the stairs to get to the parking lot, we pass the Park Ranger. This motherfucker looks me dead in the eyes, looks at the state I'm in, and just turns around and walks away without a word. Like thanks, fuck you too buddy. Well luckily I had a first aid get in my car. I attempted to clean my leg as best I could, could antibacterial cream on it and wrapped it up. And then we drove down the road, hiked a few minutes up a hill, to find an okay spot to make camp. In the dark. I was literally so done with life, I crawled into the tent and tried to sleep. Which I couldn't because everytime I made the slightest move, it made my wrist and leg hurt. To make a long story longer, we ended up cutting the trip short, since this literally all happened in one day, took my ass to urgent care and went home. I had to have 2 xrays because they thought my shin was cracked and they thought my wrist was fractures. Turns out my wrist was just sprained and my shin and bone were only bruised. So....yeah. I mean you shouldn't be surpised. I'm a whole hot mess.

Well, the moral of this story is someone PLEASE WRAP ME IN BUBBLE WRAP AND KEEP ME INSIDE AT ALL TIMES BECAUSE I'M GOING TO DIE IN A STUPID WAY. And remember folks, it's not an adventure until you almost die!

Also, I'm going to attach some pictures below of Cumberland falls, our hike, and my injuries (WARNING: GRUESOME AND AWESOME). I'm pretty proud of my battle scar!

Until next time 😜

[welcometotheshitshowyo]

Today on "My Life as a Socially Awkward Potato" AKA The Time I Bashed My Head Off A Table At A Bar

What's up y'all! Today's hypothetical car on the ever growing Hot Mess Express that is my life, is the story of the time I bashed my head off a table at a local bar.

So, I don't go to bars often, mainly because in my hometown our local bars are...well let's just say full of meth heads, the "popular" kids who peaked in high school, and wanna be models. They're just not very savory places to be. Sure make one hell of a Trash Can though....anyway so yeah I'm just socially awkward and I don't feel like I belong there.

So it was late one night after work and I was in the rare mood to go out. My bestfriend and I both got off work, changed, and headed to a local bar where our friend was working. We sat there, drank a few beers, listened to some real bad karaoke, all in all a pretty good time. Well one of the "peakers", a very drunk guy a few years older than me, somehow found his balls and decided to approach us. Now I HATE being hit on, especially by drunk guys. I'm not a very confident person and it makes me super uncomfortable because I'm awkward and not used to the attention. Plus my friend is WAAY prettier than me. So when this guy starts immediately hitting on me I start to panic. "Wow your hair is really badass I love it. It looks so great..." blah blah blah. Which my hair was badass, but that's not the point. So, at this point I am bright red and sweaty, but smiling so as not to be rude, but also wishing this dude would just FUCK OFF. At this point, I hear my friend say "well I guess I'm just a potato" which completely caught me off guard. I absolutely LOSE it. I am laughing so hard I'm about to pee my self. And in this fit of laughter, I go to put my head down to try and calm myself down, but my calculations must have been off because that table was much closer than I thought. I proceed to bounce my forehead off the table, in front of god, this douche bag, my bestfriend, and everyone. Which only makes my friend and I laugh even harder. I literally had a bruise and a knot on my forehead. I hit HARD. And the only thing the guy says is "well...okay then..." and just walks off! One of the few times my awkwardness paid off. Needless to say the night turned out awesome and no one else bothered us because I'm pretty sure they all thought I was a psycho.

So ladies, next time a skeezy drunk dude is hitting on you, just bash your head off the bar or table. It works! And if you need a little extra something to top it all off, pterodactyl screech at the top of your lungs. Good luck out there!

Until next time 🥰😜

[welcometotheshitshowyo]

Today on "My life as a psychopathic empath" AKA The Time I became a Financial Dominatrix for a day.

Alright so to get this blog rolling, I decided to start off with a doozy to show y'all just how big of a mess my life really is.

First a little background info. I'm a broke ass bitch. Adulting SUCKS. I hate bills, I hate waking up and going to work, I just want to be small and nap and watch spongebob. But anywho... so I was trying to make some extra cash by selling some items on Offer Up, which is a site that you can post pretty much anything for sale. Well I posted 2 SUPER CUTE pairs of heels a few weeks ago and had 0 hits. Nothing! And I mean I had these puppies listed CHEAP. Like $5 a pair. So idk what the hell was up. Well 2 days ago, I get a message from a guy saying he wanted to buy them. And I was like okay cool yes please take these away so I don't end up keeping them. And this is where the ride begins. And let me tell you, boy did it escalate QUICK! So this is the story of how I became a Financial Dominatrix for a day.

Like many young peeps out there looking to make some extra cash, I was making constant 11:11 wishes that someone would come along and buy my feet pics or give me money to yell at them. Well I'm here to say BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR 🙃. So this dude messages me and tells me he wants my shoes and starts asking how well worn they are. And of course I was honest, they'd only been worn a few times each (because I'm a clumsy fuck who just ends up taking them off half way through the night because I keep tripping and my feet hurt.) Well he messages me back saying he'd pay $50 a pair if I wore them more. That's right. FIFTY. Now I only paid like $10 a pair for these (where my clearance shoppers at??) so I was like what in the world are you talking about?? And he proceeds to tell me he has a foot fetish. Like okay, not my thing, but whatever. You do you boo. Well he then goes on to tell me that he is also into financial domination. If you don't know what that is, it's basically where a sub (pay pig, human atm, etc) is taken advantage of financially by their mistress or dom. I know that's a very basic explanation so if anyone in the comments would like to explain it better, be my guest! Anyway, I start to get a little excited. Like oh shit, maybe this dude will pay me for feet pics or something. So we talk about it some more, he explains that he's looking for a mistress. Like uhm 🙋‍♀️🙋‍♀️🙋‍♀️ right here buddy. I'll be mean to you for money hell yeah. So I discussed it with my boyfriend, who was 100% okay with all of this, and I made my demands, i.e. no sexual stuff, no getting involved in my personal life etc... we come to an agreement and I type up a contract for him to sign saying that he agrees to be a financial slave to me and that all of this is done willingly. Taking free money from a man I met online and no nothing about?? What could go wrong?? So basically I jump right into this role. I'm his mistress so I gotta act like it right? So he's telling me he's dirt and he's gonna lick the mud off my heels while I empty his bank account. And me being me, I hate when people put themselves down, but I reminded myself that he wants this so I play along. And lemme tell ya, I OWNED IT. Like Will Ferrell said in Land of the Lost, I was a "fair, yet very strict master." I gave him what he wanted, and in return he gave me money. I earned $60 in 2 days from him. I felt so powerful. I felt like a ruthless queen walking on the backs of her slaves. I was so confident. It was a rush. My dark side took over in a heart beat. I was GOOD AT IT. So everything is going great, I'm having a great time, hes loving it, but then he utters the phrase "I'm in a relationship right now, but you're so much better than her." NoW HOLD UP. EXCUSE ME?? Up until this point I just assumed this dude was some sort of sad bachelor trying to get his rocks off. Immediately my ego deflated. I felt terrible. I didn't want to ruin a relationship. He said she'd never find out, but damn me and my conscience of gold, I just couldn't continue. So I told him I was done, but I would ask around to see if I knew anyone interested. So you'd think that would be the end right? Well ya wrong cause my dumbass cannot leave anything alone and guess what??? My inner therapist came out, I told him he was worth it and he should find a girlfriend who accepted him and loved his submissiveness. Now keep in mind, I have NO idea who this dude is, I don't even know his real name! But guess what! We're friends now. Currently searching for a dom for him (Ladies any takers??? Free money and you are worshipped like a goddess!) So that's the story of how my empathetic, bipolar ass became a FinDom, had an emotional epiphany, and then befriended a stranger.

"So what's the moral of this story??" The moral of this story is to accept random men on the internet's offers to give you money in exchange for you to basically treat them like shit. What could go wrong??? No jk, uhm probably just like be yourself or some shit, I don't know, I didn't finish college.

But if anyone else wants to give me money to be mean at them, I'm really good at it. I have cute feet too. Hmu yo 😘😜

Well, thank you all for reading! Hopefully now you've seen what I mean? And you're either 1) running for the hills because "this bitch crazy" or 2) hopefully super entertained and now following me because my life makes yours look easy! Until next time!

[welcometotheshitshowyo]

No ones reading this, but I'll just pretend for now. What's up y'all, thanks for stopping by my blog! Is your life a shit show? Are you a whole mess? Do you ever just look at a trash can and think "same." Well guess what? SAME. My life is a constant ride on the hot mess express and I'm here to share my experiences that I've dealt with in my 24 years on this mess we call a planet, to show that no you are not alone. And I can almost promise you that this whole tumblr is gonna be one big mood. Now lets get this rollercoaster straight to hell rollin. Please keep your hands and feet inside the ride at all times. Welcome to the shit show.