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[winters8child]

It´s been a long, long time

Chapter 30

We walked home in silence, our footsteps echoing in the still night. I kept my hands to myself, sensing Steve's irritation even though he didn't say a word. I couldn't quite explain what had come over me. Maybe this way I could always have a part of Bucky with me, but I could understand why he was so taken aback. We were passing Prospect Park when Steve stopped walking.

"Wanna sit by the lake?" he asked, his voice tinged with hope.

I took his hand. "I would love to."

The sun was going down, and it felt like an eternity since we had just sat and enjoyed the view.

It was fairly empty. A couple of teenagers were sitting on the benches, their eyes fixated on the little screens in their hands. The pier still looked the same. They had just built a small stall that sold food a few steps away. It must have been good because people were lining up to get something called tacos, whatever that was. Ducks were swimming in the lake, eating breadcrumbs that someone had dropped for them. We sat down in our usual spot, Steve on my right and a glaring empty space on my left.

"I understand why you did it," Steve broke the silence. "We all grieve differently. If that's your way of feeling close to him, it's nobody's business, not even mine."

I looked at my hands resting in my lap. I don't know when I started the habit of biting my nails, but they were horrible to look at. I could hear my mother scolding me from the afterlife. "I still can't believe he's gone. I keep expecting to wake up from this horrible nightmare," I said, not to mention the nightmares I did have when I could fall asleep for a change.

Steve sighed, wrapping his arm around me and planting a gentle kiss on my head. I hugged his waist, drawing comfort from his warmth. "We couldn't even bury him...I just want to talk to him, one last time." I started to tear up again, my tears staining Steve's shirt. This didn't feel like grief; it felt like dying, as if someone had ripped out a part of my heart. How was I supposed to keep on living with half a heart?

Everything in this city reminded me of him. Every corner was part of a memory we had shared. Streets we ran through as children, the lake we swam in when the heat became too much, the very pier we were sitting on, just reading. Every time my heart had jumped because his hand had just touched mine for a brief second.

Steve enveloped me in his arms, his head on mine, and from the tears that fell on my arm, I could tell that he was crying too. Together we mourned the man we both loved and had lost but would never forget. We watched the sun go down, remembering him and sharing this moment of grief. Perhaps with each of our remaining halves of a heart, we could make one whole.

Neither of us slept that night. We lay in my bed, going from crying to laughing because we remembered something ridiculous Bucky had done, then back to crying because he would never make us laugh again. We closed our eyes, hoping to fall asleep, but to no avail. We lay there, facing each other, hand in hand, Steve tracing patterns on my palm.

"I'm sorry that I blamed you after he..." I whispered. It hurt to say it, but it had been eating at me the whole time. I had said horrible things as if the pain of losing his best friend wasn't enough.

"You couldn't have known. You just tried to do the right thing," I added.

He looked at me with tears in his eyes. "But it is my fault. Maybe you could have..."

I stopped him. "Yeah, maybe...or maybe not. Or maybe I would have just had to watch him die," I replied. "It is not your fault, Steve. Don't do that to yourself."

I put my hand on his chest, feeling his heartbeat. I wiped his tears with my other hand, laying my head on his chest as he put his arms around me. We were a long way from being okay, but maybe someday we would stop dreading every day that we were alive.

Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months, and our lives fell into a routine, something we had not had for a long time. We gave each other the space we needed when we knew the other needed to just cry it out by themselves, but we found comfort in each other just as much. We tried new things together but held on to old things we just could not let go, like Steve's old record player. We played our favorite songs and danced in our living room.

We even watched "The Hobbit" movie in the movie theater, and I cried at the end, not because it touched me, but because Bucky would have loved seeing it, just so he could talk about how bad it was, compared to the book. On his birthday, we bought cake and ate it at the lake in Prospect Park. Even though it started to rain, we did not leave until we had finished the cake, getting drenched in the process.

We visited the graves of the Howling Commandos, leaving flowers and remembering all the shenanigans we would get up to. Steve even tried to teach me how to ride a motorcycle, but I preferred to sit behind him while he drove, letting the wind blow through my hair. Life started to feel more normal, whatever that meant. Memories of Bucky stopped being a stab to the heart; I even caught myself smiling at the thought of him, instead of breaking out in tears.

We spent the nights in my bed, and Steve barely slept in his room anymore. Falling asleep became easier, although the nightmares never subsided. Knowing that I was not alone eased my mind. He would cuddle me from behind, his warm breath on my neck and his heartbeat at my back. I craved that feeling; he was my comfort in this strange new world.

There was this invisible line that we never crossed, no matter how much we wanted to be close to each other. But every time I had my back to him, my heart beat faster, in anticipation of what could happen if I just turned around, our faces only inches apart, but I never did.

It was a night like any other. We lay there the way we always did. A thunderstorm was raging outside, rain pelting on the windows. We had gone to bed what felt like an hour ago, but neither of us was sleeping. Steve had his hands on my stomach, his head on my shoulder, his breath fanning my neck. I was conscious of every breath he took, and it felt like his body was pressed against me more than usual.

Steve gave me the lightest kiss on my neck, then moved his hand under my shirt, caressing my stomach. Shivers went through me as he continued to pepper my skin with kisses. I closed my eyes, enjoying the sensations of his fingers on my skin and his lips exploring me. He was reaching for the waistband of my sleep shorts, as I tilted my head to the side, giving him better access to my neck. He took the opportunity to continue his passionate onslaught, leaving a trail of wet kisses along my collarbone. His hands began to wander, roaming over my body and exploring every curve and contour. I let out a gasp as he found a particularly sensitive spot, my body arching against his in response.

His fingers slipped into my shorts, finding the sensitive folds of my skin and drawing a gasp from my lips. His own body was responding in kind, his desire growing with each gasp and moan that escaped my lips. He pulled me even closer to him, cradling me in his arms as he continued to explore my body with his mouth and hands. He moved his mouth to my ear, nibbling and licking the sensitive skin there as I let out a soft moan, my body reacting to his every touch.

I arched my body back against his, my breath coming in soft moans as he began to trail kisses down my back. It had been so long since I had been touched, that I already fell apart in his arms, shuddering in pleasure. I could feel his arousal against my back, so I pushed my butt into it, urging him to take off his pants. "Uhm no I, I can't I'm sorry," he mumbled, getting up and disappearing into the bathroom, leaving me back confused.

That night was the first time he slept in his room again, after a long time.

[winters8child]

It´s been a long, long time

Chapter 29

I sat in an office with huge glass windows, trying to focus on the man in the black leather coat speaking to us. It all sounded so crazy. Steve, sitting next to me, looked more composed, or perhaps he was just hiding his confusion better. Everything was different—the furniture, the buildings, the cars, even the clothes people wore. Either this was an extremely elaborate prank, or I had really spent 70 years in the ice.

The man, apparently named Nick Fury, was the director of S.H.I.E.L.D., which did little to instill trust in me. "So, we did take down Hydra?" Steve asked. Fury nodded. "You did. Hydra died with Schmidt, but that doesn't mean there aren't other dangers out there, Mr. Rogers."

"So, everyone we knew is dead?" I murmured, staring out of the massive window. My parents, all the commandos… Steve was all I had left. I held his hand, trying to ground myself, but everything was getting blurry.

Seventy years had passed, but to me, it felt like I'd just taken a nap. My family had lived their lives, mourned me, and eventually moved on. Fury noticed my panic. "This is a lot to take in, I understand. It might be better if you two acclimate first; we can talk another time." He got up and walked around the table to stand in front of us. "Your old apartment in Brooklyn still belongs to S.H.I.E.L.D. We've updated the interior, but you should feel right at home."

"Thanks." Steve pulled me up and led me out of the building. A S.H.I.E.L.D. agent was waiting outside to drive us to Brooklyn. I could have enjoyed seeing the old neighborhood, but I was too busy trying not to panic. I didn't let go of Steve's hand for a minute, afraid his hand might go numb, but he didn't complain. The car slowed, and the driver told us we had arrived. Steve stepped out first and helped me out of the car, and I was so glad he was with me.

I looked around, but everything was so different. The stores and restaurants had changed, and it didn't feel like home. Steve took my hand, and together we walked upstairs to our old apartment. The place even smelled different, but at least it still looked almost the same inside. The halls still had beige walls, and the banister and doors were made of dark wood.

We stood in front of our door. "Are you ready?" Steve asked with a smile. I took a deep breath and nodded. I didn't know why I was nervous—it was just an apartment. We stepped inside, and it did feel like home. They had barely changed anything. The kitchen was still on the left side of the hall, with the white cupboards, but now there was a modern fridge. The living room was practically the same, except for the huge, flat TV mounted to the wall like a picture frame.

The door to my room was on the same wall as the TV, and it stood open. It felt like just yesterday I had slept in that bed, even though so much time had passed. I sat down on the edge of it. Someone had already put my things there—Alpine was sitting on my bed, and the edition of "The Hobbit" I had bought 90 years ago was on my nightstand.

I picked up the plushie and hugged it to my chest. To me, Bucky had died just a week ago, but now 70 years had passed and I hadn't even had time to mourn him. It was all too much, and I couldn't hold back my tears any longer. With my eyes closed, I felt the bed dip as Steve sat down next to me. He put his arm around me, seeming so calm and collected. How did he not freak out?

"At least we still have each other. I can't imagine what it would be like to be here all by myself," he said, stroking my arm. He was right; at least we weren't alone. I put my head on his shoulder, and we sat there until my tears stopped.

I planned to spend the rest of the day in bed, but Steve convinced me to go outside and explore our neighborhood. We walked hand in hand, which made me feel safe. He seemed to adjust so much better than I did. We passed restaurants I had never heard of and stores selling things I didn't recognize.

We walked for so long that we ended up on the street where Bucky, Steve, and I grew up. I was getting nervous again, but Steve squeezed my hand lightly to remind me that he was with me. I smiled up at him. "I'm good. Let's look around," I said, pulling him with me. Just across from the building where my parents used to live, a pizza place had opened. That in itself was nothing out of the ordinary, but what caught my eye was the name of the restaurant—it had my family name.

I walked inside, not sure what I was looking for; the name was probably just a coincidence. Steve followed me, asking the little boy sitting on the counter, "Hey, little guy, do you know the owners by chance?" He looked up, a lollipop in his hand, and pointed towards the kitchen. It was a small restaurant with just a few tables; I assumed they mostly did deliveries. The place had brick walls and dark wood floors, just like the tables.

I stepped closer to the wall to get a better look at the pictures hanging up. The newest one showed a young couple and the child sitting on the counter, their son, I assumed. Then I saw it: a black-and-white picture of the store's opening day in 1955. My father had the proudest smile on his face, holding huge scissors in his hand. My mother was next to him, smiling but not looking happy.

I pulled a tissue out of my bag, trying to wipe my tears without ruining my mascara. My mother would have had a fit if I looked unpresentable in public. "Do you know them?" the little boy asked when he saw me cry. A man came out of the kitchen, wiping his hands on his apron. He looked familiar, but I couldn't figure out from where.

"They were the previous owners, Antonio and Giulia. My great-grandfather bought it from his best friend when his wife got sick and couldn't take care of the business anymore, at least that's what I've been told. He kept the name of the restaurant, though," he explained.

So, Mom had gotten sick, which explained why she looked so frail in the picture. The owner saw my stricken face and asked, "Did you know them?" I couldn't say they were my parents; he would think I was crazy.

"They were my great-grandparents, but I never knew them."

His eyebrows shot up in surprise. "Oh, so you're named just like my restaurant then," he laughed as if he had made the funniest joke.

Something in my chest ached. I thought of the house, the two or three children, the white picket fence, and all the dreams Bucky had had. "No, my name is Loretta Barnes," I replied. Steve looked confused, but to me, it just sounded right.

Next Chapter

[winters8child]

Aww thank you for the reblog

It´s been a long, long time

This is the first piece of fanfiction I have ever written. I had this story on my mind for a while now and I just finally wanted to put it into text, even if nobody ever reads it. English is not my first language, so I hope I have not made too many mistakes. To anyone who will read this, thank you for taking the time.

Chapter 1

Brooklyn; New York 1930

It was the hottest summer I had ever experienced. The air was stuffy and not even the slightest wind was blowing. So there I was, standing in front of our new home. Papa called it our new beginning, our try at a better life.

It was a small apartment in a huge complex full of rundown buildings. I looked at my mama as she sighed. She was disappointed. So this was the place we packed our belongings up for….this was supposed to be better than our lives back in Italy?

My parents were already going inside, when I saw two boys sitting on the stairs. One of them was short and skinny with blond hair. His counterpart, on the other side was noticeably taller but just as slender, rocking dark hair which set a distinct contrast against the blond one. He was talking animatedly, while the blond boy was listening attentively.

"Hey what are you staring at?", the dark one yelled. "Nothing…Im sorry…", I mumbled almost silently. He got up, walked over to me and stuck out his hand with a big smile on his face. "Im Bucky, thats my friend Steve over there. You are new here, aren`t you?", he asked. "

"Yeah we just moved here from Italy. My name is Loretta…you can call me Lottie though.", I expressed quietly. I was not good with new people, especially with boys that looked like they were from the movies. I saw Steve coming up to us, hesitantly. He seemed more like me, shy and reserved. "Welcome to our neighbourhood, I hope you will like it here.", he murmured. Before I could say anything, I heard my papa calling for me. "Lottie where are you, quit standing around and help your mom", he bellowed.

Without a word Bucky grabbed my suitcase and carried it up the stairs. "Oh um thank you…I could have done it", I stammerd. He put it down with the biggest grin on his face and said "But you should not have to!". For some reason, that was enough to make me blush. So I just mumbled a thank you and ran inside.

That was the beginning of the summer where I head over heels, fell for Bucky Barnes.

Next Chapter

[winters8child]

Aww I miss his little videos, Im so sad that he disappeared from social media

I knew this idiot was going to be talking to an animal. [x]

[winters8child]

It´s been a long, long time

Chapter 28

I landed on my feet with a thud, pistol at the ready, after crashing through the window of Schmidt's lab. The commandos surged in, attacking the Hydra soldiers. Falsworth threw Steve's shield to him as he joined the fray. Schmidt's bright red head made him easy to track through the chaos, and Steve and I did just that. General Phillips's Army and the Commandos provided enough distraction for us to follow Schmidt without being stopped. Gunshots and Hydra's laser weapons went off around us, mingling with the screams of the wounded, but I forced myself to stay focused.

We almost had him when he ran through a door that began to close just in front of us. Steve threw his shield, wedging it between the sliding doors just in time. As we were about to enter, a Hydra soldier wielding two massive flamethrowers advanced. The heat from the flames made us start sweating instantly. It seemed like there was no way out. That soldier was blocking my path to revenge. I didn't think; I acted on pure instinct.

I sprinted straight into the fire, sliding under the flames just before they could consume me, and kicked his legs out from under him. The fire singed my hair, and the heat was unbearable, but the only thing that mattered was that he was down and I was on top of him. I quickly slit his throat—efficiently, with no time to savor the moment. Schmidt was still my target. Behind me, I heard Peggy Carter talking to Steve as they arrived for support.

"You can stay with her if you wanna chat, but I have a job to do," I said, my voice stern. Steve looked angry.

"The stunt you just pulled almost got you killed! This is exactly why I never brought you with us!" he snapped.

"It worked, didn't it?" I retorted impatiently. "We're going after Schmidt. You cover our asses," I added, addressing Peggy. Without waiting for an answer, I stepped over the dead soldier and pushed through the door held open by Steve's shield. I could hear Steve's footsteps behind me.

"You're being reckless. We can't just barge in there," he argued.

A distant roar reached us—Schmidt's aircraft. "Do you want to discuss this now, or do you want revenge, Steve?" I asked loudly.

"This is not about revenge," he insisted, shaking his head. "That's not who we are."

"Speak for yourself," I muttered, running into the large hangar. The battle between the army and Hydra was in full force, and Schmidt's plane was already rolling. I took a deep breath, steeling myself. Time seemed to slow, muting everything that wasn't important. All that mattered was getting on that plane.

I gripped my handgun tightly, knuckles white, eyes locked on the plane. I ran, disposing of anyone who stood between me and Schmidt's aircraft. I spotted a stack of barrels to my left, guarded by enemies. They aimed at me, but I shot the barrels, creating a massive fireball that knocked several guards off their feet. Still, I was too slow. No amount of super soldier serum could make me fast enough to catch that plane on foot.

Steve caught up, looking desperate. We both knew we wouldn't make it. Then Colonel Phillips and Peggy arrived in a car. "Get in!" Phillips shouted.

The car sped towards the plane, faster than I anticipated. We were so close I could almost taste Schmidt's blood. The hangar gates opened, and liftoff was imminent. Phillips hit the boosters, pushing us into our seats.

Steve prepared to jump onto the plane. Peggy, looking nervous, reached for him and kissed him on the lips. Steve looked as shocked as I felt, but there was no time to analyze the situation. I pushed past them and leaped onto one of the tires without hesitation. Steve followed, holding onto the tire on the other side as the plane left the ground and the tires retracted.

Inside, Steve grabbed my arm. "I didn't expect her to kiss me. I don't know why she—"

"I don't have time for this," I snapped, pulling my arm free. Then I saw the missiles on board, marked with their target locations. They were meant to be manned.

"Enemies!" Steve called, readying himself. About ten soldiers, armed with knives, charged at us. One tried to get into a missile. Steve was busy with three others, reaching for a lever. I shot the soldier in the missile, killing him instantly.

"What would you do without me?" I quipped, smiling. The rest of the men were easily dealt with. We advanced to the cockpit, expecting to find Schmidt.

It was empty, the plane on autopilot, with the Tesseract glowing in a contraption at the center. I stepped closer to inspect it, not hearing Schmidt approach from behind, laser weapon in hand. Steve raised his shield just in time to protect us from the blast.

"You don't give up, do you?" Schmidt yelled, grinning. The time for revenge had come, but I couldn't just charge at him without being obliterated.

Steve didn't hesitate. He hid behind his shield and charged at Schmidt, knocking the weapon from his hand. They fought fiercely, exchanging blows. Schmidt grabbed a Tesseract-powered weapon and fired, but Steve blocked it with his shield.

Steve rammed Schmidt, knocking the weapon away. They grappled, the fight growing desperate. Schmidt grabbed Steve by the throat, lifting him off the ground. Steve struggled, then used his shield to break free, smashing it into Schmidt’s face. Schmidt staggered back, bloodied but furious. He grabbed the Tesseract, its energy becoming unstable.

A portal of bright blue light opened above Schmidt. He looked up, awe and horror on his face. "No! This cannot be!" he screamed as the portal pulled him in, disintegrating his body into energy. The Tesseract fell, burning through the metal.

My chance for revenge was gone. All my energy drained away, leaving me feeling purposeless. Steve knelt beside me. "We're not done yet," he said, taking the helm. I heard Peggy on the comms, asking about the plane. Steve sounded panicked.

"I've got to put her in the water," he explained.

"Please don't do this. We have time. We can work it out," Peggy pleaded.

"We're in the middle of nowhere. If we wait any longer, a lot of people will die," Steve said, looking at me with sad eyes. I nodded slowly. I had failed at revenge; I might as well die a hero. I stood next to him, my hand on his shoulder as he accelerated toward the ice.

"Steve, I love you," I whispered, tears in my eyes.

He kissed my hand. "I love you too," he replied, looking into my eyes as I shut them, waiting for the end.

The next thing I heard was a voice asking, "Where is she?" My body felt numb as if I hadn't used it in years, and my head throbbed. I slowly opened my eyes, finding myself in an uncomfortable bed. A loud voice yelled outside the door. Someone burst in, a shocked nurse behind him.

"She's not ready yet," the nurse tried to explain.

"Steve?" I asked, confused. He looked relieved, crouching next to my bed and taking my hands in his.

"You won't believe what I'm about to tell you," he said.

Next Chapter

[winters8child]

It´s been a long, long time

Chapter 27

I was pacing up and down in the hotel lobby. They were set to come back tonight, and I could not sit around in my room any longer. I had done everything to keep busy: rearranged the infirmary three times, polished my handgun even though I never got to use it, and even finished reading "The Hobbit" again. It was way past midnight now, and I was so nervous that I started to bite my nails.

I was about to go upstairs again when I heard a truck stop in front of the hotel. I ran down as quickly as my feet would carry me. The door opened, and I scanned all of the faces, checking if everybody was all right. But nobody was looking at me; they were staring at their shoes, passing by me, and going straight to their rooms. Then I saw Steve's face. His eyes were red, and tears were streaming down his cheeks. He took off his helmet and stepped in front of me, shaking his head. He fell to his knees, crying, "I lost him. He is dead, and it's my fault." The world started spinning, and I dropped down to face him, my ears ringing. This couldn't be real. I must have fallen asleep, and this was just a nightmare... but it wasn't. This was very much real. Bucky was dead, and my life would never be the same again.

I was waiting for the tears to come, but they didn't. I was frozen instead, trying to make sense of things while Steve was still kneeling, his shoulders shaking as he cried. I took his hand, and we sat there until no more tears flowed, just his sobs echoing through the lobby. I took him by the hand and led him to his room, helping him take off his suit while he stared into the void. I sent him to the bathroom so he could take a shower and started to tidy up the room to keep busy, but there wasn't much to do—Steve was a neat freak. I decided to check on him when he took longer to come out than I expected. I knocked on the door, announcing that I would come in, but he didn't answer. I walked in nonetheless.

He was standing there under the water, facing the wall, motionless. He hadn't even scrubbed the dirt off. "Hey, Steve, everything alright?" It was a stupid question to ask, considering what had happened, but I didn't know what else to say. Either way, he didn't answer. I walked up to the shower door. "Do you need help?" I asked, unsure. The fact that he was naked in front of me wasn't lost on me. Maybe he didn't even want me here. "I can leave. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have come in here," I turned around to walk out.

"No, please..." he sobbed, hanging his head. I wasn't sure what to do, so I just stood there. He still wouldn't move. "Do you need help?" I asked sheepishly, and he nodded. I stripped down to my underwear and stepped into the shower. His back was facing me, so I took the washcloth and lathered it up with soap.

I cleaned his back and arms and told him to turn around so I could clean his chest. The water was starting to get cold, so I quickly went to work. I kneeled to scrub his legs when I heard him say, "I'm so sorry, it's all my fault... I should have listened to you." I couldn't think about that now. I couldn't think about the fact that Bucky could have been alive if Steve had just listened to me. I rinsed him off, turned off the water, and gave him a towel. I picked clean clothes out of his wardrobe, handing them to him while he sat on the bed. He looked up at me with a pleading expression.

"Please say something."

"What do you want me to say?" I asked. "That yes, in fact, I do blame you, that the man I love died because you didn't listen to me? That you should be sorry? But saying those things won't bring him back. Nothing will." I continued with shaky hands. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have to dry off." I stalked out of the room and went straight into mine. I shut the door, leaning my back on it, but my legs couldn't hold me up any longer. I slid down the door, putting my head on my knees, and that's when the tears came flowing.

I did not leave my room for three days, drifting in and out of sleep. Nightmares plagued me the second I closed my eyes, abstract shadows chasing me until they enveloped me, coating my body in blood. I would wake up screaming. The first time, Steve came running in, trying to calm me down, but seeing his face just made me angrier. I hated myself for giving him a hard time—he was suffering just as much as I was—but blaming him was easier. It allowed me to focus on the anger instead of the emptiness inside my chest.

I yelled at him to leave every single time, yet he kept coming to check on me, rubbing my back until I stopped crying. He looked disheveled, his eyes red and puffy. Considering he came barging in immediately whenever I started to scream, I concluded he hadn't slept at all. On the third night, he decided to stay by my side, ignoring my protests. He brought me food I didn't eat and read "The Hobbit" to me, which just made me cry even harder.

On the fourth day, he sat down next to me, holding my hand. "We are going to attack the main base in three days. We’re going for Schmidt directly. I understand if you’re not ready...."

I interrupted him, "I'm going with you."

He wasn't surprised. That night, we went over the plan of attack. Schmidt was planning to use the Tesseract-powered weapons to conquer the world. This time, we had the help of Peggy Carter, Colonel Chester, and his army, which made sense considering this was their main base of operations. Steve would attack by himself as a distraction, helping us zipline onto the base unnoticed.

The nights leading up to the mission, Steve spent in my room. Despite my best efforts to make him leave, trying to convince him I was okay—as okay as one could be in my situation—he stayed. I guess it was just as much because he didn't want to be alone. So, I stopped pushing him away. We spent the time in amicable silence, each lost in our thoughts but content in each other's presence.

We would try to fall asleep back to back, our feet sometimes touching, but neither of us would pull away. The night before the attack, we lay in bed, backs touching, sleep evading us both. Steve reached for my hand, entwining our fingers, and a zap went through me. I turned around and saw that he was already facing me. His hair was mussed, and the sleepless nights showed on his face. I ran my fingers through his hair and stroked his face. He leaned into my touch, sighing. He held my hand and kissed my palm, and it felt extremely intimate. I closed the gap between us, threw my arms around his neck, and inhaled his scent—he smelled like soap.

He nestled his face in the crook of my neck, and I could feel his hot breath on my skin. Contradictory thoughts filled my mind. On one hand, I wanted to give in to my desires, but even having them made me feel disgusted with myself. Bucky had died only a week ago, and here I was in the arms of his best friend. I felt nauseous. An onslaught of emotions overwhelmed me, and I started sobbing.

Steve pulled back to look at my face. "It's okay. Let's try to sleep," he said, wiping my tears with a sad smile. I finally fell asleep after crying for what felt like hours, dreaming of our childhood in Brooklyn, not knowing what would become of us.

He was already gone when I woke up, likely preparing for the attack. I did the same, putting on my suit, holstering my handgun, and sheathing my knife. My skin tingled with anticipation. The time for revenge had come, and I would personally carve up Schmidt. I would not rest until his blood coated my hands. I threw one last look at the plush cat Bucky had named Alpine, then stepped out of the hall, letting the fury consume me.

Next Chapter

[winters8child]

what a sweet moment

Snippet #5

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Plus-size female character (unnamed)

Background: I honestly don’t know what this is or where it came from, I just had to write it down. I'm hoping to continue it.

Summary: Bucky’s girlfriend is struggling with her mental health.

Warnings: 18+ Only (no sexual content). Mention of insomnia, depression, and anxiety. 

---------------------------

She sits by the open window, breathing in the heavy scent of the steady summer rain, listening to the thunder getting closer. She should be in bed, with Bucky’s arms wrapped around her, snuggling her back to sleep. But, she can’t seem to make herself go.

It’s been weeks of this. Insomnia. Depression. Anxiety. Every day things feel just a bit more hopeless, like the world is coming to an end. In reality, things are safer than they’ve ever been. And yet, here she sits, unshed tears blurring her vision, her body tired but her mind wide awake, on edge.

The closer the storm gets, the more anxious she feels. As if the energy of the weather is triggering her fight or flight response. She opens the window a bit more, scooting closer to the screen, imagining herself out in the storm, getting soaked to the bone. At least then she’d have a reason for the way her body is currently shaking.

“Sweetheart,” the tenderness of Bucky’s voice pulls her out of her thoughts and she glances over her shoulder to find him watching her from the doorway. She has no idea how long he’s been standing there, but she recognizes the worry on his face. 

She lets out a heavy sigh and bites back the unnecessary apology, turning her attention back to the storm. Bucky’s done everything he can to be patient with her, and never once has he made her feel like she’s a burden, but it’s taken an obvious toll on their relationship. The way she’s kept him at arm’s length, scared to let him see how much she’s really struggling.

She misses him. His hands on her body. Losing herself in their intense connection. But, she barely has the energy to get out of bed. Just the thought of intimacy is too hard right now, no matter how much she craves it. 

Her racing thoughts are interrupted again when Bucky comes closer, now barely a foot from the window nook where she’s sitting. “I just want to take care of you.” She turns her head to watch him slowly crouch down next to the seat, never once taking his eyes off of her, a soft smile on his face. “It’s okay if you don’t want me to though.”

She shakes her head immediately, needing him to understand it’s not about that. Her mouth opens, the words on the tip of her tongue, but nothing comes out. This is how it’s been for weeks. Words desperately trying to claw their way out, only to get stuck in her throat with no escape. 

The frustration easily builds, fresh tears pricking her eyes, and she looks away again, letting out a shuddering breath. Bucky should just give up on her. Leave her to wallow in self-pity and loneliness. He never will though.

“It’s also okay if you want me to take care of you,” he continues, his hand slowly reaching out towards her, the tips of his fingers ghosting over the blanket wrapped around her, waiting for permission touch her.

Bucky sees her, knows her in ways no one ever has. Her independence is her shield, something she’s carefully cultivated. She’s handled everything that life’s thrown at her on her own, and relying on someone else doesn’t come easy.

“It’s okay if you need me to take care of you.”

---------------------------

[winters8child]

It´s been a long, long time

Chapter 26

"You are going to do what?" I could not believe what I was hearing. Bucky and I sat on my hotel room's little balcony, sipping our drinks. The long-awaited rain was pelting off the canopy, giving us a respite from the heatwave."Zola will be on that train, and that's the only way of getting on it. It's no big deal… I mean, I always wanted to try ziplining," he said, trying to lift the mood, but it just sounded crazy to me."I should be there then… if it's not dangerous… right?" I couldn't let them do this alone. Bucky took a sip of his whiskey. "I already asked Steve. You have to sit this one out. We can't fail… this is Zola we're talking about."

"I know… I know," I faltered. "I am just worried; you should know by now that's what I do."He smiled, gently stroking my legs, which were resting on his lap. "Everything is going to be alright. We have a plan, and we know what we are doing."I sighed and put my head on his shoulder. Bucky kissed my hair and rested his head on mine. We sat there in silence enjoying the quiet, listening to the rain. "I would have liked having a family with you," he said quietly, making me look up at him. "You and I, two kids, maybe three, a house in the suburbs with a white picket fence and a cat," he continued.

He intertwined his fingers with mine. "Maybe if this is all over…" he trailed off, waiting for my reaction. I didn't know what to say. On one hand, it sounded amazing—having a family with him—but there was still Steve and my unexplored feelings for him. He noticed my hesitation and pulled back his hand, taking another sip of his drink."I love the idea of having a family with you, Buck, but…" I began. He stopped me. "It's Steve. You love him. I understand. But you will have to make a choice eventually. This can't go on like this forever. It's not fair to any of us."I balled my hands into fists. The thought of hurting either of their feelings made me want to cry. "What if I can't?" I whispered, tears welling in my eyes. He pursed his lips, looking out into the rain. "Then I do not see any of us getting a happy ending" He kneeled in front of me, holding my face, "If you want to be with him, then be with him. I know I have been gone for a while, things changed and I will be ok, maybe not tomorrow or in a month but I will be…someday. I love you and I love Steve, I won't stand in your way." I could not stop the tears from streaming down my face, he was sacrificing his happiness for me but I could not let him do that. I shook my head vigorously, "No, that's not what I want". He wiped away my tears, "We can't always have what we want doll", he whispered.

It was well into the night when we decided to go to bed, Bucky had made a move to go back to his room, but I asked him to stay with me. We were lying in bed, facing each other and he had his hand under my shirt, tracing circles on my back. It made me shiver and he smiled his gorgeous smile that always gave me butterflies. It felt like we were on borrowed time and I did not want to fall asleep. I scooted closer to him, putting my hands on his chest, "Come back to me", I gave him a chaste kiss on the lips. "I will", he answered and hugged me closer to his chest, rubbing my back up and down.

I couldn't fall asleep all night. I tossed and turned, and the heat only made it worse. Bucky had already fallen asleep and I had to wriggle out of his hug because I was about to get a heatstroke. The commandos were being flown to the Swiss Alps tomorrow morning, and I envied them—not for the mission, but for the chance to escape this scorching heat and feel the cold mountain air instead. I got up to walk down to the little hotel kitchen, looking for a nighttime snack. I rummaged through the fridge, it was almost empty so I settled on a glass of milk. As I poured it into a glass, Steve walked in. "I'm sorry, I'll leave", I did not want to make everything even more awkward. He leaned on the counter, "No it is ok if you share some of the milk", he smiled and took a glass off the shelf, pouring in the remainder of the milk in the jug.

We sat down on the barstools standing at the counter, sipping our milk "Everything ok?", he asked looking down at the glass in his hands. "You should take me with you, Steve, I can help". "You know I can't do that, it's too risky", he replied putting down the empty glass of milk. "I am responsible for the lives of our team and bringing you along is more dangerous than it helps.", he continued. "You are making a mistake, excluding me like that and you know it", I slammed down my empty glass. I stormed out of the kitchen, ignoring his calls for me.

I had fallen asleep sometime in the morning when the birds were already out, announcing the beginning of the day. I pulled my pillow over my face, trying to shield myself from the first rays of sunshine, when I heard Bucky getting up. I looked over my pillow and saw him smiling "Good morning doll, sorry if I woke you up, I just have to get ready for the mission". I shot up, "It's already time?", I hurried out of bed, throwing on my morning gown. He was already dressed in a blue combat jacket, and his rifle was slung over his shoulder.

We walked down together, where everybody else was already gathered. Steve looked extra busy when he saw me, staring down at his shield. I hoped that he at least felt a little bad for not letting me join them. "That dressing gown look is missing the head rollers in your hair and the pimple cream and you could scare off the nazis", Falsworth said laughing. Bucky punched him on the shoulder, which elicited an "ouch" from him. "I'm just saying, are we sure we are not letting her join, I mean she's a little crazy but I have never seen someone as efficiently brutal as her." Falsworth continued. That made me sound like I was a bloodthirsty murderer but maybe that's really what I was. Steve put his shield on his back, "No and that's an order, lets head out".

I was tired of arguing so I turned to Bucky and gave him a tight hug. "Be careful Buck", I said as he kissed my cheek and said, "Always am". I walked over to Steve, looking into his eyes, "I hope you know what you are doing". I wished everyone farewell, Falsworth hugged me and winked, "I will smuggle you in my backpack on the next one I promise", which made me laugh. They filed out of the lobby one by one, hopping on the truck standing outside and so the waiting began.

Next Chapter

[winters8child]

🐈‍⬛

[winters8child]

Ugh these two

Let's try something a little more challenging.

[winters8child]

I started watching the X-men movies and I think I have found another character to obsess over. Eric is so damn fine...

[winters8child]

It´s been a long, long time

Chapter 25

First thing in the morning, I walked over to the shield headquarters to finally get some answers. Children were playing outside, they were laughing and running through the sprinkles to cool down in this heatwave and here I thought London was famous for their rainy weather, but the summer was brutal. A little girl with pigtails saw me watching and smiled a toothy grin and something in me ached. I never thought I would feel such pain over the loss of a child, I did not even know I wanted.

Maybe I was just being blinded by emotions but she even kind of looked like Bucky, the brown hair and the bluest eyes one could imagine. I waved at her as her parents each held one of her hands and walked into the ice cream parlor that was on the side of the road. I stood there motionless until a boy on a bike rang his bell and shook me out of my trance. This was not the time for getting emotional, I needed to stay level-headed when I walked in there to demand answers.

I stepped into the lobby and asked the receptionist to see Peggy Carter, my file was on her desk so I assumed that she knew all along. She led me to her desk, Peggy would be back in a minute, I was told. I sat in the same chair I had my breakdown in, it felt like so much time had passed but it hadn't really. Just as the receptionist had told me, Peggy appeared after a couple of minutes and greeted me with a smile. I was not going to beat around the bush so I asked, "Did you know? About my pregnancy?". Her smile faltered and that told me all I needed to know. "I read it just 3 days before you, I would have told you if I knew beforehand....before you got the serum.", she looked sincere but I was still angry. "You mean before Shield killed my baby?", I remarked.

She took the seat next to me, "I am sorry that you had that choice taken from you, I can't imagine how you must feel.". I was not sure what to think of her, but she seemed genuinely sorry and I felt understood. "If you need someone to talk to, I'm here. I know you have the commandos but sometimes men can be a bit too much...and dense.", she continued with a weak smile. I nodded but I was not done here, "There is something else I wanted to ask...since I got the serum, I have had this condition...whenever someone I care about is in danger, I fall into this kind of frenzy. Like I would do anything just to protect that person matter how cruel...or unreasonable it might be. Has Dr. Erskine mentioned anything to you?"

She first let sink in what I had just told her before she answered, "Dr. Erskine's theory was that the serum amplifies everything that is inside. Take Steve for example, he is a good man and the serum made him even greater...and Schmidt...well, you know what I'm getting at here?" I was confused for a second, was I that much of a horrible person that the serum brought up emotions that I had been burying inside? "From what Steve told me and the other commandos are saying about you, you seem to be a fiercely loyal woman...maybe that's what the serum is just bringing out in you, the innate desire to protect the ones you love, no matter what it takes."

It made sense but it made things more difficult too. I had to get these outbursts under control, my team had to be able to rely on me and not be a danger to the missions. I thanked her and made a move to leave but she called my name, she looked like she wanted to ask me something but was not sure how to put it. "It wasn't Steves, was it?", she looked worried, and I knew why she asked. The question felt incredibly intrusive and it was none of her business, but she had seen me and him together. The stolen glances, the way he held my hand, and the time in our Brooklyn apartment, when it felt like we were an old married couple. She must not know about the lies, the betrayal Steve felt, and how it all broke apart. She liked him and she wanted to know how far we had gotten in our relationship. I looked down, ashamed of myself, mourning what could have been, and shook my head, "No it was not his" and walked out without looking back at her.

I spent the next weeks mainly alone in my hotel room. The commandos were out most of the time, going on missions and taking out Hydra bases, I never felt this useless, but at least they let me patch them up on the few occasions that one of them got hurt. Once again I was anxiously waiting for their arrival, they had been out for 2 days now and I was getting nervous. When I heard the ruckus downstairs I ran out of the room, I was using as a makeshift infirmary. Like always I went through the faces, making sure that no one was left behind, only then did I allow myself to breathe out in relief. Falsworth was first to see me at the top of the stairs, "Good to see you love, I think I have broken a few ribs that need treatment from the best nurse in town", he quipped. Dum Dum Dougan started laughing, "I think it's just your bruised ego because I saved your ass".

I ignored their bickering and walked over to Steve and Bucky, who were arguing it seemed like. "You either let her join us on the next one or I'm not coming either", Bucky looked really angry. Steve looked tired, I could see in his face that Bucky had been pestering him for the last weeks. I touched Bucky's arm, "It's okay Buck, Iet it go", I looked over to Steve, and he looked like he was in pain. On closer inspection, I could see a big scratch on his chest. "You are hurt, Steve, come on I will patch you up", I held him by his arm and wanted to lead him up to the infirmary. "It's alright, it will heal itself", he did not move. "That could take hours, don't be ridiculous.", Bucky interjected.

Steve followed me begrudgingly and sat down on the cot that was in the middle of the infirmary. The room was small but I had everything I needed, two cots, the one in the middle and another one pushed to the side, covered by a privacy screen. He had already taken off his suit and was wearing a cream-colored shirt that already was soaked with blood. "Can you take the shirt off?", I asked shyly and he did without a word although he did not look at me the whole time. I was getting used to him looking like that, and I almost forgot that he used to be so scrawny. I picked up cotton pads, soaked them in disinfectant, and cleaned up his wound. His breath was fanning my face and I did not dare look up, so I just stared at my hands, cleaning his wounds. I was so focused that I almost did not hear him whisper "I miss you" in my ear. I stopped what I was doing and slowly looked into his eyes, he looked heartbroken as he reached for my hand bringing it up to his lips, and kissed it.

"I missed you too", I replied so quietly that he only could hear it because our faces were so close together that our breaths mingled. It felt like the moment went on forever, both of us waiting for what would happen next. I did not want to hurt him again, these last weeks were horrible but my body yearned for him. Steve closed the last gap between our faces and kissed me pulling me closer to him by my hips. It was a slow and sensual kiss, full of hope and I lost myself in it. He started to groan in pain and pulled back and when I looked down I noticed that we were pressed together so close that I had hurt him and his blood was all over my shirt. He let go of me, "I am sorry....for the blood, I got carried away". "It's alright, let me patch you up real quick", I answered and finished his bandages in silence.

He got up when I was done and looked me in the eyes, searching for something but coming up with nothing. I stared at my shoes, I felt vulnerable and horrible at the same time. Like I was toying with his emotions, I did not want him to get his hopes up, I couldn't choose. He kissed me on my forehead and walked to the door, turned around one last time, and said "I am not sorry for kissing you".

Next Chapter

[winters8child]

It´s been a long, long time

Chapter 24

We all huddled up at the back of a truck and drove to our destination in silence. Bucky was sitting next to me, our fingers touched lightly and I tried to relish the feeling but I was too nervous. It was hot out, my suit was giving me an itch and the truck was stuffy, leaving no room to breathe and making it hard to calm down. I started to tap my foot nervously and balled my hands into fists, Bucky noticed and took my hand and gave it a light kiss to reassure me "Everything is going to be ok doll". I turned my head to fully look into his eyes, he had his sniper rifle between his legs and was holding it with his other hand. I was worried about him, Steve had assigned him to be the lookout not far from the Hydra facility.

He was a good shot but still, he was alone in a supposedly safe spot and I did what I always do, I worried. His eyes did not leave my face as he pulled my hand to his lips and kissed it. I could feel Steve's stares boring into me from the left but he did not say a word. After a 30-minute ride, we all filed out of the truck and took our respective positions. I followed Derniere, with Steve, Dum Dum Dougan, and Falsworth behind us. Falsworth cut through the fence on the left of the perimeter and ushered us through. Steve and Dougan quickly took out two guards who were stationed directly in front of us and pulled them behind crates to obscure their bodies. I could hear three other soldiers on our right drop, Buckys doing no doubt.

Steve motioned Derniere and I to sneak up to the building, to place the explosives. I pulled my handgun, looking around for any guards but I heard the others behind us and trusted them to take care of any opponents. The area was heavily guarded, I could hear multiple enemies ahead of us. I told Derniere to take cover in a hidden corner, so Steve and the others could clear the way for us. I crouched next to him in the corner and looked in Bucky's direction, I could see the glare from his sniper rifle as he took down enemy after enemy. The other howling commandos were doing a good job of sweeping the area but the building seemed to spawn more and more of those guards. I signaled Derniere to move to the next spot, he picked up his backpack with the explosives and made his way slowly but surely, trying not to get spotted.

Just when I was about to follow him, I threw another glance to the hill Bucky was positioned at and saw two men climbing up the hill. Bucky was in danger, he was a sitting duck at that position and he probably wouldn't even hear them coming. I could feel the blood thrumming in my ears, my body was electrified from head to toe. The adrenaline was rushing through me, commanding me to protect what was most important. I turned on my heels, my handgun at the ready to eliminate everything and everyone in my way. I could hear Steve calling my and Dernieres's name, telling me to stay put but all I could think about was Bucky. More guards filed out of the doors to my right, making their way to me. Weapons raised, aimed at my head but not for long. I let go of control of my body, something else was making me move, and even though I did not know what, it felt right. They dropped like flies and it felt glorious, the way the life left their eyes and the smell of blood filling my nose. I should feel disgusted some voice told me but all I felt was excitement.

I could hear the others fighting behind me, Steves's shield bouncing off of people's bodies, Falsworth and Dum Dum Dougan´s shots ringing out through the air. Steve kept calling my name but this was not the time for orders. I was near the hill where the men had climbed up and I could see their heads, trying to sneak up on Bucky. I put my gun back into the holster and took out my knife, it had to be as bloody as possible. I jumped at the back of the first guy, stabbing him repeatedly in the neck, his blood was everywhere. On my hands, in my face, and yet it was not enough. He screamed alerting the other guy, who aimed his gun at me but it was too late. I crouched down, kicking his legs from under him as I sat on top of him, bringing down the knife. I don't know how many times I had stabbed him when Bucky stopped me. He wrestled the knife out of my hand, he looked like he saw a ghost. He looked me up and down and that's when I realized that I was covered in blood from head to toe, that's when the shaking started. My ears were ringing and I could not hear what he was trying to tell me but he looked scared. I felt someone else hands on me, pulling me up, it was Steve. He looked angry as he pointed at me and then at Derniere who still had his backpack with the explosives. When I did not move, someone picked me up to carry me back to the truck. I passed out before I could see who it was.

I woke up back in my hotel room, people were arguing on the other side of the door. I didn't know what time it was or for how long I had slept and the curtains were pulled over the windows. My whole body was aching and my hands were bloody, like someone haphazardly tried to clean me up in a hurry. I sat up and tried to listen to what was being said outside, it was Steve and Bucky arguing. Steve said that I endangered everybody and that the mission failed because of me. That is when I remembered what I had done, all of that blood and the excitement I had felt. I also remembered why I did it, it felt exactly like the last time someone threatened to hurt someone I cared about.

They were still talking about me and I thought I should say something but how do you defend the horrible thing that I had done? Granted it was for Bucky but I risked many lives and we failed because of me, but I did not feel any remorse. "She can't be part of the commandos if I can't trust her to have our backs", Steve sounded agitated. I could hear him walk off as Bucky entered my room without knocking, he probably thought I was still asleep. When he saw me sitting on the bed, he sat down next to me with a concerned look on his face. He simply said "Talk to me" and held my hand in his.

Where do you begin to tell somebody that you enjoyed killing someone, that you felt relief hearing them drop one by one, that you were not ashamed of the blood coating your hands, so I didn't. "They would have killed you Buck", I tried to make sense of the situation. "I had placed C4 around me doll, I would have been fine", I dropped my shoulders not knowing what to say. "Steve is angry huh?", I asked defeated and I could understand where he was coming from. Bucky nodded, "He said he would not bring you along on the next missions, not until we know for sure that you can control your "outbursts", he called them."

"So you just want me to sit around while you risk your lives?", I was pissed now, I did not take this serum for nothing. It cost me way too much, to just stay behind and wait for them to come back. I walked to the bathroom and started to viciously scrub my hands until the rest of the blood was gone. "Why don't you take a shower while I try to talk to him again doll? We need you and he knows that." I accepted his offer and washed off the remaining blood, but the hot water did not help me relax as much as I had hoped. I let the water run over me, tried to feel my feelings, and searched my soul for some kind of regret or remorse but there was nothing, just anger because Steve was kicking me off the team.

I got dressed in a hurry, just throwing on a shirt and linen pants, I would make clear that he could not just get rid of me like that. I walked to his room, and knocked quickly and loudly, making it clear that I was not there to make chit-chat. He opened the door with an annoyed look on his face but I was not having it. I shoved him aside and walked inside. His room was pristine, like the clean guy image he was trying so hard to uphold. "I am not changing my mind", he said stopping me from giving him a piece of my mind. "Your feelings are clouding your judgment and stuff like that has no place on a team". I thought I had misheard, was he blaming my feelings for Bucky, no...he was taking revenge, that must have been the reason.

"Are you being serious? If this is because of what happened between us...". He held up a hand to interrupt me midsentence, "Do you think so little of me? I just can't risk our team, maybe Shield can tell us more about your condition. Until then, no missions and that is my final word, understood?" I sighed but maybe he was right about Shield, they indeed owe me answers, about my condition and the pregnancy they hid from me. "Yes Captain", I replied and left his room.

Next Chapter

[winters8child]

They could never make me hate her ❤️🖤♥️

WANDAVISION DOCTOR STRANGE 2

[winters8child]

The talent ❤️

Winter Soldier studies

[winters8child]

It´s been a long, long time

Chapter 23

We fell asleep in each others arms and were awoken by loud knocking on the door. They must have been knocking for a while, considering their impatience. The curtains were still drawn so it was impossible to tell, what time it was. It was noon when I had arrived at the hotel, so it must be late evening now. Bucky rubbed his eyes and tried to get up without waking me but saw that I already had my eyes open. He gave me a quick peck on the forehead and walked to the door but before he could ask who it was Steves voice came from the other side of the door. "Its me, Steve. I need to talk to you". Bucky looked back at me to confirm if it was ok if he opened the door. I was still naked under the covers so I would have prefered for him not to see me like this, so I shook my head.

Bucky opened the door slighty and asked what Steve wanted. "We gotta talk plans with the howling commandos, be in the lobby in 10….the both of you". I could not see Steves expression but he sounded cold and clinical, I did not know if I prefered this over him beeing angry. He turned around without a word and walked downstairs. We got dressed in silence and joined the others, everyone knew that we both came out of the same room but I was past the point of caring about other peoples opinion of me…and my morals. I was expecting lewd comments by at least some of the commandos but nobody said a thing, it even seemed like they were ignoring me.

Steve had spread a map on the big table and we were all standing around it. There were points marked, Hydra hideouts he told us. He was beeing professional, even involving Bucky and I in the planning. The plan was an allout attack on the main bases, go in quickly, deposit explosives in key points and kill everyone trying to stop us. This was it, it was getting serious, my first real mission. I was nervous and could not focus on matters at hand, I should be preparing and not steal glances at Steve, who was talking to Jacques Dernier, our explosives specialist. I tried to distract myself so I started to disassemble my handgun, just like Howard had shown me. I liked the feel of it, it was heavy but sleek. I cleaned every part and tried to assemble it back as quickly as possible. It calmed me for some reason, so I did it over and over again, trying to do it faster every time.

At least it had worked as a distraction, I was so focused that I did not hear Steve approaching from behind. Only when he touched my shoulder, did I noticed that he wanted to talk to me. I put the gun down at the table in front of me and and turned around. "Your job is to protect Derniere, all of us will be looking out for him, but I dont want you to leave his side, is that clear?", he gave me orders like I was just a soldier beneath him. I understood that he was hurt but I never thought that Steve could be that cold. "Yes Captain", I replied and went back to assemble my handgun. The attack was scheduled for tomorrow morning, so Steve told us to get some shut-eye before the mission.

Everyone retreated to their rooms, leaving me and Steve back in the lobby, even Bucky had left without me noticing. He was sitting in a chair facing the fireplace, his head in his hand, I was not sure if he knew that I was still there. A part of me wanted to go hide in my room but with this big mission coming up, I did not want to leave things unsaid, so I sat down in the chair opposite him. I looked at him, trying to gauge if he was angry or sad but he did not look up but started to shake his head. "I cant do this, I cant pretend like everything is fine…like you did not fuck my best friend behind my back…after all those months we lived together…when I thought you could feel an inkling of those feelings I felt for you….like I finally was good enough!", thats when he looked at me with tears in his eyes.

I reached for his hand but he pulled back and stood up from his chair, starting to walk around the room. I got up, walked over to him and looked into his eyes, "Im sorry Steve, I cant change things in the past but that does not mean that my feelings for you are any less." His eyes were red and his hair was dishelved, I could see the frustration allover his face. "Would you change it if you could? Would you undo the past?", he asked but he already knew the answer. I could not bring myself to regret the things that happened between Bucky and I but I did not know how to say that without breaking Steves heart even more. The deafening silence was answer enough.

"Be mad at me", I heard Bucky saying, standing on top of the stairs. He walked down, his eyes not leaving Steves face. Steve slowly turned around to face him as Bucky walked up to him, repeating what he had said. "Be mad at me, I lied to you all those years. I have been lying to you from the day we met her. I have been lying to you because you never had the guts to do anything about your feelings all these years", he was yelling at this point while he pointed at Steves chest.

I had hoped that Bucky could de-escalate the situation but he just made it all ten times worse. I walked between them, trying to calm them down but they would not hear me. "Oh I am mad, I am mad at her, I am mad at you and I am mad at myself. I am mad at myself because the first feeling I felt when I found you in that hydra base was dread and not relief. Dread because with you there, I would never be enough, no matter how hard I tried." Steve shoved him to the side and walked upstairs to his room. I was too shell-shocked to say anything and I doubted that I could find the words to make this any better.

I collapsed into the chair by the fireplace and stared into the flames. I felt Buckys hand on my shoulder, "We should try to get some sleep, we wont solve this tonight and tomorrow is a big day". I nodded without looking up to him, "You go, Ill be up in a minute…". He left without another word. I sat there for the remainder of the night, dozing off at some point, dreaming of a battlefield drenched with blood and me standing in a pile of bodies. I had a human heart in my hand that was still beating as I crushed it, laughing maniacally.

I nearly jumped out of my skin when Falsworth woke me up in the morning. "Did you really sleep here?", he asked with a concerned look on his face. The fire had gone out already and someone must have put a blanket on me, altough I did not know who. I tried to stretch but a sharp pain in my back made me flinch, the chair really was not an ideal place to sleep. "I must have fallen asleep..", I explained. He handed me a cup of coffee, "We are the first ones up…you look like shit by the way. Whats eating at you?", he wanted to know. I liked Falsworth but this was really not the time to moan about my relationship troubles. I took a sip of coffee, it tasted like dirt but any caffeine was welcome at this time of day. "Im just nervous because of the mission, that is all." He did not seem convinced but he did not pry."I know something that will lift your mood", he told me with a grin. He handed me a little packet with "Cadburrys Ration Chocolate" printed on it.

"Its british chocolate, so much better than the stuff you have here", he exclaimed proudly. I was surprised that he still had chocolate, rations were getting scarce, especially items like chocolate. "Are you sure? Dont you want to eat it?". He shook his head, "You need it more than me". "Thank you James", I opened the packet and took a bite. He was right, it was so much better than the chocolate I was used to. When he saw me smiling he patted my hand and said "Whatever it is that is bothering you, it will be ok or maybe we will all die today and it wont matter anymore" he said sarcastically. "Fingers crossed", I mumbled in a more sarcastic tone, while my mouth was still full of chocolate.

It did not take long for the others to wake up and bustle around in the lobby. Everyone was on edge, I could feel it or maybe it was just me. I returned to my room to put on my suit, cleaned my handgun again for good measure and polished my knife. There was a knock on my door and I answered "Ill be right there". "Its me, can I come in?", Bucky requested. I opened the door and let him in. He looked me up and down, "Its still weird seeing you like that, it feels like its just been a minute ago that we were sitting at the lake, reading our books.", he reminiscend with a sad smile. He held me by my arms, stroking them up and down, "Be careful ok?". I could not afford to get sentimental now or I would not be able to focus on the attack so I nodded, gave him a peck on the lips and told him I would be down in a minute.

I rummaged around my handbag that was laying on my bed until I found what I was looking for. It was not as shiny as it used to be, it reminded me of myself in that way but I hoped it would bring me good luck, even if it was silly. I pinned the ladybug Steve had given me on my collar, took a deep breath and went downstairs.

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[winters8child]

It´s been a long, long time

Chapter 22

I was wondering if people throwing up and breaking down at the shield facility was nothing unusual, because no one was really bothered by my outburst. Steve and I were still sitting on the chairs by Agent Carters desk and I had calmed down enough, to tell him the whole story. How I loved his best friend, since we were children, how we kissed in the bushes next to my house when I was 16 and what had happend the night before he left for war. That I tried not to act on my feelings, because I loved him too. Steve did not interrupt me, he listened, nodded his head here and there but was mainly still, trying not to be emotional. When I was done he put his head in his hands and stared at the floor, tapping his food nervously. My nerves were blank and I wanted to give him time to process all of that information, but the longer he remained silent, the more I was afraid of his reaction.

"Im sorry", I whispered and put my hand on his shoulder and the way he pulled back broke my heart, this is what I was so scared of. Just in that moment, Peggy walked up and said "Howard will see you now" but looked confused when she saw the state that Steve was in, but she did not comment. He stood up without a word and followed her to the restricted area where Stark worked on his inventions. I quickly got up and walked after them, trying to get his attention. "Steve talk to me...please say something....anything.", but he did not bother looking at me. Peggy heard me whispering and looked back at us, "Something wrong?" but Steve quickend his pace and shook his head.

I tried to focus on Stark and the things he showed us as we walked around his lab. He had made a shield for Steve out of vibranium, one of the rarest metals on earth, according to him. When it was my turn, he led me to a table full of weapons and handed me a handgun and a knife, I would have been dissappointed, were I not concerned with other things. I decided I would try to talk to Steve again but before I could say anything, he walked up to Howard asking "Are we done now?". Stark gave him a nod and Steve walked out without giving me a single glance. Peggy seemed to have noticed the tension between us, as she looked between him and I. I did not know what she planned to do but she ran after him, calling his name. I stood there frozen to the spot, my mind and emotions in a whirlwind. Howard was watching me with a questioning look, as if he wanted to ask me why I was still in his lab. He walked up to me smiling, "Do you like fondue?", that was not the question I had expected. "Whats fondue?", I wanted to know and he explained that it was a swiss melted cheese dish for dipping bread in. "Why would you ask me that?", I tried not to be rude but he was irritating me. "You seem sad...I like fondue, there is nothing that melted cheese cant solve.", he stated. I was puzzled as to where this conversation was leading and when I did not react he continued, "So what do you say, you and I and some fondue in the swiss alps?". Was this man flirting with me? I denied his offer and when I turned to leave he called after me, "Still you should try some fondue". What a weird man but at least he took my mind off of the dooming end of my friendship with Steve.

The fact that I had told Steve everything and him reacting the way that he did, occupied my mind so much, that I pushed the fact that I used to be pregnant and wasnt anymore, to the back of my mind. I did not know how to feel about it, I wanted children later in my life but the situation now would be less than ideal. Would I have changed my mind about getting the serum, if shield had told me that I was pregnant? What would have Bucky said if I told him that we were expecting a child? Did I need to tell him now, now that it was not relevant anymore? I needed to talk to him, that I knew, alone for the fact that he would want to know, that I had told Steve everything. I walked to the hotel where we all stayed at, during our time in London. I stepped into the lobby, where some of the howling commandos were sitting. Dum Dum Dugan yelled "Mrs. America, up for a card game? Falsworth already owes me his house, his rifle and the very pants hes wearing, Im getting bored", he laughed. Usually I would have joined but I was not in the right state of mind for it, "Do you know where Bucky is?", I asked absent-mindedly. He pointed up the stairs, "He should be in his room, I have not seen him come out since breakfast". I thanked him and walked upstairs and stopped infront of his door. I took a deep breath and knocked. I heard his steps coming closer, making my heart race in my chest and my hands got sweaty. "Whos there?" he asked through the door and I told him that it was me.

The door opened as he said "Come in" and already walked into the sitting area of his room. It was dark, the curtains were pulled over the windows, letting no light in and his bed was unmade. I sat down next to him on the sofa and directly went into telling him about everything, almost everything. I told him about Steve, that he knew and the way he reacted. "To be honest, I cant blame him...he must feel betrayed....we should have told him a long time ago", he murmured. I knew he was right, it must be a shock to hear that your two best friends were sneaking behind your back for the last 10 years. Maybe it was better to give him some time, let Steve approach me, but waiting in this state of uncertainty was taxing. "Can I stay here?", I did not want to be alone right now, it would make me go crazy to just sit in my room by myself, getting swallowed up by emotions and thoughts. "Sure you can doll", he said putting his arm around me and the smell of his cologne hit me again, evoking all kind of emotions in me. I hoped I would feel some kind of relief, now that everything was out in the open but I still had that one little secret, gnawing at me. Was there any point in telling him? Maybe I could tell him when this war was over and we could go back to our normal lives. I put my head on his shoulder, breathing in his scent as he played with my hair. He kissed me on my forehead and smiled down at me and my heart quickend its beat. Maybe staying here was not a good idea after all, before I could even overthink everything I gave him a gentle kiss on the lips. He was unsure of what to do so he gave me a questioning look. I pulled him down to me by the lapels of his shirt and kissed him. The world seemed to fade away as the kiss deepened, our bodies melting into one anothers. His hands roamed along my curves, his fingers trailing gently over my skin. The kiss grew more fervent, the passion building with each passing moment. Bucky scooped me into his arms and carried me towards the bed. Without hesitation, he laid me down gently and climbed on top of me, our mouths never parting. There was insatiable hunger in every touch of his, feeling a sense of urgency, he gently guided me to sit up, our mouths reluctantly parting as he tugged at the hem of my shirt. I leaned forward, helping him remove it, my breath catching as his hands slowly trailed along my skin.

He quickly got rid of his own shirt as I admired his toned muscles and our bodies were pressed together once again as we eagerly explored each other in our growing passion, the rest of our clothes swiftly discared in our haste to be even closer to another. In an attempt to relase the pent-up desire between us we began to lose ourselves in our passion, our kisses becoming rougher and more demanding as we clawed at each others bodies. Our teeth grazed against each others lips as our tongues entwined, our hands exploring every inch of each others skin with growing ferocity. There was no control, only pure want, giving into the carnal desire to release everything. He quickly grabbed a condom from his nightstand, put it on and drove into me without hesitation, making me gasp as I grabbed the sheets. In the throes of ecstasy, our bodies collided with growing force as we lost ourselves in a torrent of desire and need. All inhibitions were shed as our lust continued to build, our movements became increasingly frantic, each touch, each caress and each thrust brought us closer to the edge of ecstasy. His hands were gripping my thighs as he started to ram into me, grunting. He leaned down to me, burrowing his face into my neck and kissed me there, while he kept thrusting into me. The combination of those two sensations was enough to push me over the edge. I was out of breath as whispered "I love you" into his ear and he came with one final push. He put his forehead on mine, smiling while he caressed my face, "I love you too doll", he whispered back.

Something in me shattered in that moment, I was violently overwhelmed by emotions, tears coming down my face. I shook my head, not knowing what to do or where those feelings came from all of a sudden. I just knew things could have been so diffrent if I did not insist on getting this serum. Bucky just pulled me to himself, caressing my arm, "Its alright, its normal to feel all these emotions after the high you just experienced". I shook my head again, "Thats not it Buck....there is something I did not tell you". He sat up, wiping away my tears, "What is it doll, you can tell me everything."

It was now or never I thought to myself, he had a right to know and I was tired of keeping secrets. "I was pregnant before I got the serum, I did not know and shield did not tell me. I read it in my file...I was just an experiment to them and now our baby is dead", I could not hold back my tears. He looked at me, visibly shaken, not knowing what to say. He pulled me closer to him, embracing me tightly as he kissed me on my hair while I cried my heart out.

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