withlovegabison - Tumblr blog

[withlovegabison]

emotional dependency

for any mitski lovers out there, do you know the song "me and my husband"? do you know the part where mitski sings: "and i am the idiot with the painted face in the corner, taking up space but when he walks in, i am loved, i am loved" well, that's how my emotional dependency (codependency? idk) feels like. not to be confused with how *him* makes me feel. that, i don't know how to describe. he makes me happy, his company makes my day brighter and i absolutely love him. many of you who were never emotionally dependent on someone else might be thinking: "well, you guys obviously love each other, so what's the problem?" it's not that simple. nothing ever is. but to make things easier to understand, the problem is that i can't imagine my life without him and i don't know how to life without him anymore. plus, he can't even hangout with friends without feeling guilty anymore. and finally, he sometimes... well, he sometimes explode. he tells me things that hurts and makes my heart bleeds. it's not abusive, or anything like that. he just... tells me his feelings. i can't blame him for feeling the way he feels. i see what i transform into when i'm feeling desperate. i can be so mean and sarcastic. i'm actually just lonely and weak. i've always been seen as the "kind" girl, but i feel the opposite; i feel like a monster for treating him that way. i feel like he could do so much better than me, yet he chose me. i've tried researching about emotional dependency, yet the results only frustrates me; i for one don't find the tips "look for new hobbies" or "have a life outside the relationship" *that* useful. if i do find any actually useful tips, i'll post them here. i am willing to put so much effort into improving. not only for me, but for him too. if i want this relationship to last, i have to do this. wish me luck and feel free to share some tips or experiences with me! with love, gabison PS: sorry if this all looks rushed, i had to rewrite it after i had already finished everything.

PSS: here's the song if you haven't heard it yet :)

[withlovegabison]

struggles of an “artist”

i’ve always had trouble calling myself an artist and always believed it was due to my low self-esteem, depression and whatever other issues i have or was diagnosed with. i’ve always had trouble drawing consistently and when i saw other people’s art, which were not only better and more creative, but also had more effort put into it, i would get immediately discouraged. i know art is not about being “talented”, but about practice, right? when i learned to draw hands a few years ago, i was *so* proud, yet i don’t know how to draw them as well as i did before because i don’t draw them or practice drawing them as often as i should, but that’s the issue. i’m always taking breaks, always getting discouraged, always hating my art. i guess it shouldn’t be any surprise that my love for it is... well, it is dying. i’m not sure if that’s the best way to put it; i love art, but not only do i dislike the process, i’m always unhappy with the results. it wasn’t always like that, i don’t think. but it has been like that for way too long. i thought i was going to go to art school, now i don’t know anymore and that makes me more than scared, it makes me anxious and extremely sad. now, what do i do with my life? what are my plans for the future? things seem so unclear right now, but i have hope i can still regain my love for drawing and painting. i can’t let go so easily of something that made so much part of my life.

with love, gabison

(diary entry #01)