wizard-smut

[wizard-smut]

you don't have to watch the bad show

i know everyone is talking about it. i know you will get much interaction from posting screenshots. but it's a bad show. you know it is bad. the visual designs are bad. the themes and writing are bad. the creator is bad. just don't watch.

[wizard-smut]

sometimes you fuck wizards

sometimes the wizards fuck you

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hhere is where i accomplish Crimes

Harald Sohlberg

Fisherman's Cottage

1906

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DO WIZARDS HAVE GENDER

no

well, yes. BUT.

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THE CONSENSUAL ADVENTURES AT SEXY WIZARD SCHOOL 1: Nathan & The Aqualads pt 2

The water was frothy, Nathaniel could see slick bodies grinding against each other in twos and threes and mores. Aqualads pawed their webbed fingers against each other's perfectly smooth bodies, covered gills with kisses, and of course, frotted furiously. They rubbed their smooth, grey dicks against each other, looking like a muppet version of shark week. Nathaniel saw one Aqualads bent double, getting railed by two aquadicks at once, and that was fine. One Aqualad was up to his neck in the water, beating off two other aqualads with both hands.

Some Aqualads ejaculated huge clouds of tiny roe, others thick ropes of pea-sized eggs. Others disdended their urethras and hawked up huge murky sacks the consistency of a raw egg, that nonetheless clung to wherever it was squirted as sure as rubber cement.

“This is delightful.” Said Nathaniel. “I hope I get my dick sucked.” Even as he was fretting what to do, two Aqualads swam to the shore, and motioned him to join them in the shallows. He walked eagerly over, and knelt in the shallows by the two of them. Then he got up, went back to shore, took off his formal tuxedo, and re-joined them, nervous boner already chilled by the evening breeze.

The two lads caressed his skin, spilling water down his perky nipples with their webbed hands. Nathaniel returned the favor, tracing his fingers down the equisitely muscled pectoral fins of his erstwhile lovers. Their erections bobbled in the water, both dribbling small quantities of yellow eggs.

The two Aqualadskissed, their duck bills colliding like bumper cars. They made a passionate hardscrabbling sort of noise, then started seriously frotting on each other.

Nataniel waded forward, grabbed them by the hips, and tried inserting himself into the frot. Being an amature, his frot-rythym was off, his frot moves were seriously square. His dick was rebuffed. Undaunted, he pressed in harder, feeling the wet slick of their weird skin rub down his shaft, felt the creamy stain the eggs were leaving on the two of them, but his dick slipped away once more.

The two aqualads grabbed Nathan by the back of his head, and lowered him to crotch level. Nathan complied, feeling his heart thunder in his chest. They started to frot all over his complete face, leaving streaks of eggs in his hair, over his eyelashes, in his nose, they rubbed circles over Nathan's lips, but when he opened they danced teasingly out of reach.

One aqualad moved behind him, and the other continued to frot on his face, gripping his head with both webbed hands. He felt a second grip him by the waist, and felt a firm presence probing his hindquarters. He felt it rub up and down his crack, as it slid gently over his hole. His ass was getting frotted, just as much as his face, and Nathaniel was LOVING it. He reached for his boner, splashing about in the water, but the Aqualad frotting his face grasped his arm and pulled it forward. The two of them inreased the speed of their frottage, and Nathaniel groaned with desire.

The aqualads released Nathaniel at the same time. Nathaniel sat back, sweeping the wet hair out of his face. The two of them stood before him, clawed hands on each others shafts. They pumped, and Nate opened his mouth to catch. Thick gouts of yellow eggs landed on his face, dribbling down his cheeks and coating his chin. A second spout splashed over his forehead, pleasingly cool. After a third spout filled his mouth with the taste of the sea, they slowed their masturbating, wiping their last gouts on his lips.

After a moment of rest, they lead Nathan to a grassy spot on the shore. One stood in front of him, the other behind, their duck beaks glinting in the moonlight. The Aqualad he could see locked eyes as he took him in his beak, which somehow felt exactly like trying to fuck a latex glove full of legos.

“Zzaugh.” Nathan bleated. “Mwah. Uhng.” His whole unit tingled like never before. A beak-rimjob is not as plesant, but Nathan was rolling with it. They both gripped him powerfully by the hips, the one in front pushed forward, trying to fit as much of himself in his beakmouth as he could. Nate felt the throat gripping him wetly, felt the weird forked tongue caress his puckered and totally legal sack. The aqualad held this position for thirteen and one half minutes, because Aqualads breathe through their gills.

The aqualads joined hands in massaging Nathan's balls, and via some unspoken cue, bothed sucked in as hard as they could. His scrotum retracted instantly, testicles passing through his urethra like softboiled eggs through a catheter.

As he orgasmed, he felt his intestines unraveling, spooling out of him like an anchor line. “Nnnguh.” He said, as his guts got slurped like spaghetti. “Waugh.” The Aqualads did not stop sucking. They kept sucking until his lungs detatched and swirreled down both drains, until his empty chest collapsed, until his spine caved in and his whole upper half deflated, settling down on his hips. Enough of his skull and sinuses remained that he could see how much taller the rest of the world had grown, saw that his fingers waggled uselessly in the breeze level with his ears. The Aqualads detatched, and jumped back into the water.

“Call me.” Nathan said, voice muffled by pubes.

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me, a business guy, useing my huge business brain: what if there was a freaky little gremlin, who judged our extremely gay and bullied userbase

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someone help

theres a terrible clown on the side of my screen

if it doesnt disperse i will have no choice but to employ WIZARD FORCE

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THE CONSENSUAL ADVENTURES AT SEXY WIZARD SCHOOL 1: Nathan & the Aqualads

“It's important never to go to Sex Lake after dark.” said Gav Dungsten, Wizard Swimming coach. “Even if it's to have sex.”

Champion orphan Nathaniel Buttersnatch raised his stupid question-asking hand and waved it like the fluorescent tentacle of an especially unfuckable sea anenome.

“Yes, Nate?” said Dungsten, affecting a relaxed hip-hop pose.

“Why shan't we go to Sex Lake after dark, even if it's to have sex?” His voice whined, like a snake trying to copulate with a belt sander.

“I'm glad you asked, Nate.” Said Dungsten, who wasn't. “At night, the lake is overrun with rambunctuous Aqualads, who use this lake for frotting. Aqualads get extremely dangerous when they frot, and they frot all the goddamn time. It is their very favorite thing to do. You cannot skip a stone across that lake without interrupting seven, maybe even twenty intimate acts of heated frotting. Aqualads will straight-up murder anyone who interrupts their frotting by throwing stones.” Gav nodded sagely. “If they find you, they will suck your dick right out of your asshole. POP!” He made a popping noise with his mouth, indicating the speed with which the suckery would commence.

Nathaniel raised his scrawny freckled arm again.

“Yes, Nate?” Dungsten shifted his weight from one hip-hop pose to another.

“Has anyone ever actually died by getting their doodles sucked out their bee-holes?” he squeaked.

“Seventeen students have died in that specific manner so far this semester alone.” Gav said flatly.

“But the semester started three days-”

“Yes, Nate.” Gav said. “To avoid embarrassment, their parents asked that we erase them from history. Best not to think about it too much.”

Nathaniel turned around, and looked at the rows of empty desks at the end of the classroom, which was covered in educational posters pertaining to both swimming and informed consent. His nose started to bleed.

Later, the sun fell out of the sky like a brick through pudding. The students at Sexy Wizard School gathered in the Sex Library, to exchange various and sundry Sex Notes they had taken in their Classes. Some enterprising Camwizards set up parallel dimensional pockets in the stacks where they were free to livestream their scholarly antics as they erotically misshelved books and sat on cakes.

The Head Sex Librarian heaved her massive anime breasts upon the obsidian altar of Himechan, and each of her many nipples spouted a massive gout of flame. “This is the fate of those who fail to pay their late fees, or insist on using mobile phones in study areas!” She roared from her Second Mouth. Behind her, a student intern cut the throat of a bull with an obsidian dagger. But Nathaniel was nowhere to be found.

“Where is Nathaniel?” asked Berynece Ladyflowers, pausing at the door to the Sex Bakery.

“Oh no, is he missing?” cooed Esmerelda Nightgown. “We'll definitely have to start without him. Perhaps the sounds of our passion will draw him to us?”

“Yes, that sounds reasonable.” Said Berynece, as she spread her cornflower hair across a rack of buns. The two of them fucked on top of bread for four hours. The Sex Rats feasted mightily in this crumb-strewn den of moist delights.

“I don't think this is working” Said Esmerelda, grinding against the stale crust of a sex baguette.

“You're right.” said Berynece, who was drawing patterns on her reasonably taut belly with sex eclair crème. “I could give you a back rub and ask you about your feelings?”

“That sounds really nice. After that, I'll get us some Wizard Ice Cream and we can discuss history.”Esmerelda smiled.

In the Sex Computer Lab, nothing happened, because Sex Computers are illegal.

Sex Lake is bordered by a Wizard Fence, which is like a normal fence that kills you. With magic. Nathan approached the fence via the well-lit main route, because Nathan is too oblivious for shame. The hundreds of ghosts watching this sad tragedy cried out, shook their ghostly jack-off fists, and had no effect whatsoever.

Nathaniel approached the gate, and found it cocooned thickly with chains and locks, and Wizard Locks, and even some lock-shaped Lock Demons, which growled and hissed. Nathaniel took out his Wizard Wand, and shook it till it was shaped like a key.

He pointed it at one lock. “Blammo.” He said, as a tiny bolt of lighting exploded it the fuck up. “Bazow.” Another lock vaporized. “Zippity zap.” Multiple chains fell away like old spaghetti. “Pshew pshew.” The Lock Demons, once freed, were consumed in a gout of ominous fire. The gate swung open impatiently, knowing what would come next. “Yeaaah.”

Nathaniel heard the Aqualads frotting long before he could see them, because it was dark. The path to the water was straight, and anyone at the school using a Nighttime Spell of Peeking could see what he was doing, but no one raised alarm, no one stopped the inevitable.

TO BE CONTINUED

[wizard-smut]

THE FOUNDATIONAL MYTHOLOGY OF THE SEXY WIZARD SCHOOL UNIVERSE

from the nonexistence beyond even entropy there sprang from nothingness a cosmos irradiated with magic, whose laws of physics were born with jellied bones, where the rubber of reality stretched with the slightest application of will. the kind of place where misadventures followed the strict moral guidance of 19th century children's fables.

A Shitty Place, by any measure

in one neglected corner of this vibrant universe there spun a planet full of sapient bipedal creatures whose primary concern centered on growing the biggest grasses imaginable. tall grass, wet grass, potato, they had it all.

then one day, one especially unpopular and bad-grass-growing hominid wandered into a weird cave in the side of Only-Bad-Dipshit-Live-Here Mountain.

unbeknownst to this hominid, whose name was Gug but was commonly referred to as Ugg (this is a cultural joke that doesn't translate directly) ten billion years prior a sentient shaft of rainbow light wasn't paying attention and slammed into mt onlybaddipshit, permanently trapping itself in a crystal geode.

well, let's just say Gug made a real Ugg of itself and decided to smash open the ominously glowing crystal wall at the back of a cave full of skeletons of Freaky Space Mammoths &c and other species unknown to Grass Hominids or anything else ever

so Ugg is bathed in scintillating hues, obviously, saturated with colors from out of space, primitive hominid brain awash in magickal powres, gates of perception blown open, yadda yadda yadda, cognizant of all space and time, angels dancing on the head of a pin, and he becomes a wizard

this is just what one DOES

but not JUST a wizard. oh ho ho no. an EVIL SPACE CAVEWIZARD. that is legally the worst kind, according to law. real kill on sight asshoeles.

so Gug, who immediately starts referring itself to Drakenhof Von Vilesmythe, flies out of the cave and starts going full Dresden on the grass hominids. he rains fire, casts lightning, rains snakes, most of his attacks were either weather or vermin-based, just really typical Ugg behavior.

he wipes out the grass hominid society in like, fifteen minutes. there were not a lot of them, and they generally lived under piles of trees, because they were so fixated on big grasses that they never invented architecture.

Drakenhof Von Vilesmythe went ahead and magicked himself up a real nice castle atop Mount Very Normal Crystals, and sat alone on his throne.

as all despots do, he got bored, and wandered into his workshop, where he went about inventing all kinds of new monsters and such. Dracowyverns, Fang Children, Flying Knives, white people, Sexy Elf's, basically the most foul line-up of villains the universe ever seen.

well the universe DID in fact seen, and responding to the laws &c of cosmic narrative functionality, rose up in protest of such evil, and created GOODMAN MCMANANUS, a powerfully Good Cavewizard, and lo they did battle.

they cast fireballs, firesnakes, thunderrats, fought each other in the rain on the side of a tower, took turns hurling each other off cliffs, just really made a day of it

anyway this fighting went on for Way Too Long. the minions and fell servitors got bored and eventually developed their own society independent of the wizard wars. it evolved to exactly feudal medieval european level, or at least what i imagine that was like.

sadly due to the world being a janked up mess after aeons and aeons of Wizard Combat, the heavy background magickal radiation ensured that a higher number than normal of these babies were born with the W-gene.

after getting their shit rocked and re-rocked immediately after unrocking itself, the creatures decided that the safest thing to do was build a giant school for the wizards to fuck around in and just let them do their own thing way over there.

and so, every day, when a denizen of Normalsville turned 18 and started developing Protagonist Thought, they would find their asses shipped off to....

THE SEXY WIZARD SCHOOL

oh also i forgot to mention that all the monsters and wizard servants and stuff, their genes all combined and mixed together and made creatures that look indistinguishable from modern humans. note to clarion workshop scouts, thats the kind of rich worldbuilding and social commentary you can expect to find here at tumblr dot com slash wizard smut.

ok thanks everyone have a good day and dont get diseases

[wizard-smut]

Freestyle Jousting turned 7 today!

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what

has it really been eight years, holy shid

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Armando Bravo

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[wizard-smut]

A few days ago, Patton Oswalt made a string of tweets in which he apologized for tweets with purportedly racist, transphobic, and sexist content. The “joke” was that the unacceptable tweets he was apologizing for didn’t actually exist. Anyone who voiced concern or anger was retweeted onto his...

[wizard-smut]

Inspired by that wasp statue

http://io9.com/wasp-nest-merges-with-human-face-to-become-nightmare-fu-1566807087