wonderlustdevine

[wonderlustdevine]

01.12.2025

I'm using this as a place to journal where I don't need to be at a table or something the way I do with my physical journal. I love that medium but with my life and setup being what it is that's not always achievable.

Anyways, I'm all for the cold, until that's all you can feel. There's a difference between the cold you feel walking outside in the first snow of the season--it's all superficial, you can easily warm yourself up with a coat or hot chocolate--and the cold you feel in solitude. It lingers in your soul. Not one escape from the icy grasp that it has on your bones. You can try to reach for warmth in any way you can; reaching out to people you talk to, posting things so that someone anyone sees the pain you're in, but nothing ever feels like enough.

Something I always told myself growing up is that I would never let someone feel the way I have always felt. Isolated, different, unlikable, or gross. It seems not everyone feels this way. I know I've grown, but there was a time not all that long ago where if I out of the blue messaged people "I love you guys :)" my phone would have been blowing up with people worried about me. Now all I get is a couple responses and some even leaving me on read. Now I know my feelings about this are likely stemming from some form of undiagnosed BPD, but none the less, if I would've jumped for you had you said that to me, why won't you do the same? Is there something so fundamentally wrong with me that even just checking in on how I am is too much work?

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Okay I think I'm better now. I took a break to eat a sandwich, but to erase that feels wrong, because that is still how I feel, I just have more reason now.

I got almost everything figured out for my clearances for school, all I have left is to go to my appointment on Friday to get fingerprinted, and to call the campus health center to see if they're open tomorrow for me to get a TB test.

I'm so grateful for all of the opportunities my college provides in terms of getting different experiences and chances to go to conferences. I am also so grateful for what my job has given me. Because of my job, I was able to afford a MacBook for school. Before I was just using my iPad, but I was unable to take an online class over this break because it was only accessible on a computer device and I didn't have access to one.

Aaaaanyways. I should head to bed now, I move back to campus tomorrow and I am so excited.

-WD

Currently Watching --- Grey's Anatomy S6E2 "Goodbye"

[wonderlustdevine]

01.11.2025

Its technically past midnight so I promise this is accurate of the date listed.

It's been quiet. I haven't been on here in ages but I hit an age of financial prosperity and have bought myself a laptop. Maybe college won't be so awful now. College isn't awful but the fact that I've been struggling to make ends meet while also struggling to get through my classes definitely didn't help.

I haven't hung out with other people a lot this break and I miss my people, but I think finding a community online will be somewhat helpful as the thing I struggle most with is loneliness. Isn't that odd? In an era where communication is available at our fingertips I can't seem to communicate with anyone.

There's not much else on my mind, I wish the best for anyone who may read this, please don't hesitate to reach out if you feel the same

-WD

Currently Watching -- Grey's Anatomy S5E21 "No Good at Saying Sorry (One More Chance)"

[wonderlustdevine]

“Admit it. You aren’t like them. You’re not even close. You may occasionally dress yourself up as one of them, watch the same mindless television shows as they do, maybe even eat the same fast food sometimes. But it seems that the more you try to fit in, the more you feel like an outsider.”

— Timothy Leary

[wonderlustdevine]

Honestly being at a combination middle/high school is ideal. I teach 8th and 11th grade and I adore both.

Everytime I pass one of my 8th graders in the hall we stop and wave saying, "Hello Traveler!" because as he says, it's the main character's world and we're all just NPCs living in it.

Then I see one of my 11th graders and he yells "BAGUETTES" for a reason I still don't understand but high schoolers are the funniest people on the planet so I roll with it.

Then I have a poetry unit at the end of which one student says to me "before this unit I hated poetry with the passion of a thousand burning suns. Now I only hate it with the passion of 999 burning suns." and everything is worth it.

My 11th grade honors class makes pride and prejudice jokes (it was the fall play and most of them were in the cast and/or crew) and they email me memes they make based on class jokes.

My eighth graders are writing horror stories and they're the most amazing things I've ever read.

Being a teacher is amazing, despite the way we're treated.

[wonderlustdevine]

Don’t ever betray my trust, you won’t get it back.

[wonderlustdevine]

[wonderlustdevine]

㋡🥀

[wonderlustdevine]

fuck object permanence, if I can’t see it, it’s not there