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woopim · 6 months ago

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a summary of the homestuck epilogues to save you the waste of reading a worthless and painstaking 200k words

the prologue: a basic setup for both epilogue paths. rose gives a winding speech about canon, not canon, and what-have-you, then tells john he can decide whether or not he wants to go back and defeat lord english for good. he then goes on a picnic with roxy and calliope, where callie gives him the meal choice of meat or candy, the two epilogue choices.

meat:

john decides to go back and fight lord english.

he enlists the help of the teenage versions of his friends.

dave is the vital key to defeating lord english; his sword is, actually.

rose and jade die pretty quickly in the battle. john serves as a distraction and a partner to dave in the battle, and together they take him down. actually, them and davepeta, who materializes from nowhere and sacrifices themself by pulling lord english through a void with them; but not without john getting lord english’s tooth lodged in his chest, which serves to slowly poison him to death. he cannot remove it because he’ll bleed out.

back on earth c, the other characters go about their lives.

callie and roxy are sorta dating. more in a mutual partnership. kind of like moirails, i guess. who really knows, callie is a cherub.

dave and karkat are in a mutual partnership, akin to being moirails, but could actually be in love. they aren’t really sure. jade worms her way between them and turns the couple into a triad.

jane is, for no good reason, a power-hungry, fascist cunt. they ruined her. jane, sweetie, i am so sorry they did this to you.

dirk and jake have a tv show together. jake’s ass is some kind of famous staple on earth c. people are desperate to touch it. karkat really enjoys watching it on tv, as most people do.

rose is very ill. it’s driving a wedge between her and kanaya. kanaya works in the breeding caverns, by the way, with one of the only redeeming characters in this entire stupid fucking epilogue, swifer eggmop. she’s great, i love her. thank you for your service of helping this shitshow, swifer. you’re a hero.

jane is running for president. for some reason, she is entirely outside of her canon self and is an awful person. she wants to control the troll reproduction system. she’s xenophobic. dave hates her and encourages karkat to run, and he does it because of dave’s urging.

around here, it’s revealed that dirk is actually controlling the entire plot. he’s a real asshole, in my opinion, but not that canon brand where it’s a lovable asshole. he’s just a piece of utter shit. he uses his friends as puppets.

back in the other timeline, john is still dying. he meets up with terezi. she’s been searching for vriska and is tired and hungry, and john has his dad’s wallet which he found because at some point he had zapped to the outside of his old house. he finds shaving cream and tobacco. terezi eats those and they talk.

back again, jane is still running for president against karkat. they need to sway jake to win. jane tries with seduction which is so un-jane like, jane, sweetie i am so so sorry this is happening to you.

jade is over visiting with callie and roxy. she suddenly gets possessed. her eyes are entirely black. it felt like a shitty creepypasta. apparently another version of calliope has possessed her and is now stealing the reigns of managing the plot from dirk.

things progress. john and terezi have sex. i don’t know why. karkat and dave kinda date, i guess, who really knows. the election goes on. they sway jake by going on a hike with him and dirk starts to steal the plot back, pretty much fighting with callie for control. he acts like he’s going to assassinate jake in the name of politics but actually shoots a tranquilizer dart into jade, who is callie’s vessel, and gets control back. so he makes jake make a fool of himself on stage and sways the votes back to jane. she wins the election, fyi, and is still very unlike herself. this is the third time i’m saying this, but jane, honey, i am so sorry they did this to you.

john is still dying. he’s not actually dying, though, he’s being erased.

back in the other timeline, jade is in the hospital. roxy and callie had both been nonbinary, but roxy is now identifying as a boy and keeps getting mistaken for dave. terezi zaps to the timeline to see jade and even confuses rox for dave.

rose is getting sicker. dirk convinces her to go with him so they can leave their mortal bodies and become true gods. kanaya lets her leave because, through controlling the plot, dirk makes her think she isn’t good enough for rose.

they leave and take a ship from jake. dirk leaves a potion for jade to wake her up. when she does, she immediately says dirk needs to be stopped. callie takes back the plot here and kanaya loses her absolute shit, rightfully so. she wants her wife back, but it’s too late to get her and callie, unlike dirk, takes a very passive approach to controlling the plot and cannot bring herself to just send them right after him.

she gives them a hint, though, so they figure out what way he’s headed and they get ready to retrieve him.

john dies in the middle of a love confession to terezi, who is, rightfully, pissed.

dirk ominously warns that he cannot be caught, but kanaya rounds up some of the friend group to go after him anyway.

in the postscript, aradia and davebot (yes, robot dave) are chilling in a place where the world itself is cracking apart.

candy:

john decides not to go back and fight lord english, and stays on earth c.

jane is getting ready to run for president, but dirk, stricken by the same illness rose once had, warns her that she needs to shut it all down and she does.

roxy is over the moon john is staying. he drives a wedge between her and callie, but not on his own accord. a lot with her help. callie makes them free gamzee from the fridge, so he’s back and on his “redemption ark”. personally, i don’t like gam, but they fucked him all up. gamzee fans, i am so sorry they did this to you.

roxy and john go out on a coffee date. callie is devastated that rox has taken an interest in john over her, but can’t bring herself to meddle with roxy’s happiness. gamzee offers to “take care of him” for her, which she, pointedly, denies.

john really enjoys that roxy has taken an interest in him, but feels guilty that he’s driving a wedge between her and callie. she heads to the bathroom and gamzee comes into the coffee shop to tell him to go for it.

he does. roxy and john end up together.

somewhere else, jade is again meddling between dave and karkat. they really don’t want to be pushed into a relationship, so jade ends up dating them separately. she’s supposed to be in a kismesis relationship with karkat, but she isn’t very good at it.

jake and jane get together.

dirk kills himself, by entirely decapitating himself.

roxy and john’s date is interrupted by dave, who needs romance advice. john sucks at romance advice. dave goes to get it from dirk, and finds what i presume was his suicide note.

they have a funeral for dirk. they have two different caskets for his head and body. i think it was weird, but the epilogues were weird, so it makes sense.

roxy gives a brief speech because she’s overcome with emotion. dave steps up and gives a long one. then gamzee steps up, and just gives a long ass, horrid speech. dave leaves the church. karkat goes after him.

i’d like to mention jane is not at all hurt by dirk’s death, which is really just bullshit, because she’s not like that. for the fourth time, i say: jane, honey, sweetie, i am so sorry they’re doing this to you.

john goes to check on dave. catches a weirdly romantic moment. can i mention he’s also been texting terezi, like a lot, and feels guilty about it because i’m assuming he has feelings for terezi he’d rather not think on.

john and dave are talking, roxy interrupts. she asks john to get married to her. they do.

jane, jake, and gamzee somehow end up together. jane and jake have a kid and name him tavros, and can i say he is another redeeming part of this shitty epilogue. a really sweet kid.

kanaya and rose adopt a grub. she’s made of vriska’s genetics, and looks like vriska, so they name her as such. she’s also a redeeming part of this garbage epilogue. she’s pretty cool.

roxy is pregnant.

suddenly, their lives are interrupted by a version of jade crashing through the sky itself. they think she’s dead and have a funeral for her. she’s actually not dead, but is a vessel for calliope, and springs up at her funeral, scaring everyone absolutely shitless.

can i mention jane is running for president now? she is.

aradia and sollux appear. what’s up, guys? they take ownership over the calliope vessel. they were actually here before, prior to the thing coming back to life, sorry i forgot to mention it earlier.

roxy goes into labor. they go to the hospital and have their child, and end up naming him harry anderson. again, another redeeming part of the epilogues. i love him, he’s a sweet kid. he ends up with vriska, who is hate-dating tavros.

on harry anderson’s fifth birthday, they go over to jane’s mansion. where jane, gamzee, and jake are living together. with tavros. they get into a blowup over politics and karkat tells everyone to fuck off and storms out.

john leads tavros away and tries to “kidnap” him, in a sense. he wants to get him away from jane. again, she isn’t herself. for the fifth time: jane, i am so sorry, sweetie. jade catches them, they fight. everyone else catches them, john storms off. like literally. he uses the windy thing.

dave and jade get married. john is the best man. karkat shows up at their wedding, but only talks to john and then leaves. by the way, rox and john are divorced at this point.

dead and alive trolls are falling from the sky. fef and eridan come back, suddenly. gamzee is some fucking mentor, it’s dumb in my personal opinion. meenah falls from the sky, alive, and joins karkat’s rebellion as his right hand (wo)man.

vriska ends up falling from the sky, too, and talks to john and then the younger version of herself. terezi has died at this point, presumably. vriska messages her, but we never get to know if she answers.

things are coming to a head, and a war is getting ready to be waged. this war is between jane’s army and the rebellion.

rox and john work things out. john also tries to work things out with his son, he asks him if he wants to go on a drive, and that’s pretty much where things abruptly stop.

the callie possessing jade is still talking all kinds of shit, and aradia and sollux are chilling with her. aradia is really up in her business, asking for morbid details about what’s happening.

dave and jade have joined the rebellion, and are out hunting for statue of liberty figures to explode. here’s some shit: dave ends up meeting up with obama. it was like some fever dream, and i absolutely despised it. dave ends up letting himself die and gets transferred to a robot body, which is davebot.

the war starts, and things wrap up with rose, also a robot now, on that ship with dirk. looking for a planet to create.

#long post #homestuck #homestuck epilogues #fuck the epilogues

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