wordsihaveneversaidoutloud - Tumblr blog

[wordsihaveneversaidoutloud]

Football Boy and Frisbee Girl: Prologue

Author’s Note: Okay, so I’m starting a thing! This is the placeholder title till I can find something better. But I always say that and then get too attached/lazy to change the thing so we’ll see. 

Prologue-May, 2017

Perhaps everything would have turned out differently if she was sober, or if there were more trees around. 

“Me? Pining? Yeah, that seems about right, on with the show!” Radha laughs. She knows she’s speaking too loudly, the grin on her face far too cheerful. But in her defense the music is way too loud and she can barely feel her face over the throbbing sound and lights. Not to mention her entire left side hurts because some idiot (Shashank) practically tackled her in practice today. They’re outdoors but somehow everything feels stifling and warm nonetheless. 

She swallows a few times, breathing in the thick smell of smoke and sweat before taking a swig of something that is definitely not coke from a coke bottle and passing it to Anurag. He eyes her suspiciously before looking at his girlfriend Divya who is staring at Radha as well. They shrug as they make eye contact. Anurag takes a sip from the bottle before passing it to Nakul who has just joined their circle, panting from being on the dance floor.

“Did you see...” he gestures out of breathe at two people; a guy and a girl, the guy has the girl pressed against a brick wall as they kiss so you can’t see either of their faces. But anyone who knew the guy would know who it was...

“You guys, I’m finnnneeee” Radha drunkenly drawls the last word and rolls her eyes. “I don’t care about him, it’s been months! I mean I’m happy he found someone to...maul” she winces and turns around to find her friends staring at her.

“Kya? Just because I don’t wanna see him fucking murdering her neck doesn’t mean it bothers me” She crosses her arms over her chest and gestures at Nakul to giver her the bottle. He hesitantly hands it over. 

“I mean it’s normal to feel...bad when your ex finds someone new”, he winces at how dumb his words sound, even to him. Radha frowns and stares at the now empty coke bottle, wishing for more alcohol to show up. 

Divya pipes up “It’s fine, she’s fine, we’re all fine, let’s dance!” 

“Great idea, let’s go!” Radha grabs Nakul and heads to a spot far away from Shashank, who had started very obviously feeling up his “dance partner”, Radha visibly shudders before turning to Nakul. “Mujhe paani chahiye” he says apologetically before hugging Radha quickly and slipping away. She sighs and turns around, looking for Divya and Anurag, who she thought were right behind her. They seem to have disappeared, or more likely, not followed her right into the thick of the dance floor.

Radha shakes her head realizing her mistake too late as “Baby pull me closer on the backseat of your...” blares straight into her skull and everyone around her takes this as an open invitation to yell and grind closer against each other. She can’t blame them though, it’s the end of the year, it’s a party, they have every right to be happy. She’s probably the only one feeling dumb and fragile and empty. Suddenly all she wants to do is crawl into bed with fries and the book she has to read for tomorrow...fuck, she has class tomorrow! Even more reason to vamoose.

She’s caught in a group of second years, people she’s seen around campus but been too scared to actually speak to. She smiles at the one girl in the group she does know, a senior who’s in her 100 level English class for some reason, and politely jumps a few times with her before ducking out of the group.

While she walks away into the relatively cooler air further away from the speakers she thinks about how it’s been months since she’s been with anyone. And worse, how the last person she kissed was that bastard Shashank. She shakes herself, annoyed with herself for even thinking about him, and walks off, straight into a tree.

Only it’s not a tree... It’s a guy in her batch, she can’t quite remember his name, but she knows she’d find him attractive even when she’s sober. He’s tall with broad shoulders, he looks like he plays a sport and wears nerdy square framed glasses, which only serve to make his jawline sharper somehow, unfortunately he’s exactly her type. Which is the only reason why she does what she does next.

“Do you want to make out?” she blurts out.

“I...what” he blushes and looks at her confusedly

“Do you...want to...make out...with me” she says slowly, regretting it more and more with each word. This is obviously not the way to get someone to make out with you.

“Um...no?” he says it like a question, clearly afraid of offending the drunk girl standing, swaying, in front of him.

“Um yeah, obviously no, I mean that’s not what I...I was just testing you!” she lightly punches his (very strong) shoulder and laughs. “Just you know how these parties are, constant vigilance and all that” she winces. How did she managed to embarrass herself even more thoroughly?

“And you’re party monitor I suppose” he smirks, he seems to have regained some of his composure.

Ugh, he’s hot Radha thinks before mentally slapping herself.

“No...uh...yeah... Sometimes you gotta take some responsibility you know?” she manages to respond, retaining 0.5% of her cool.

Radha on the dance floor, Radha likes to party, Radha likes to move that sexy Radha body

She winces, of course they had to play this stupid song. 

“I guess that’s your cue, huh” he looks at her smiling even wider, clearly holding back laughter.

And everybody blames it on Radha

“Why yes, yes it is”. She curtsies (Why did she do that) and flees towards the dorms, in the exact opposite direction of the dance floor. 

She makes it into her room with a plate of fries in record time.

After finishing the reading, a book of poetry about a village near her city that was strangely soothing, she starts drowsing off to sleep. Just when she’s about to fall asleep her eyes open wide, how did he know my name?

[wordsihaveneversaidoutloud]

Letters to the boy I find passably attractive|Letter #1

Letter #1

It has been exactly two years, 3 days, 10 hours and seven minutes since I asked you if you wanted to kiss. It has been exactly two years, 3 days, 10 hours and six minutes since you looked at me funnily and said “um, maybe not”, or something to that effect. I was too drunk and sad to remember the details. Of course when I narrate the story I omit the no and make it sound like you just looked at me funnily then I realized what an idiot I sounded like and walked away.

Sometimes I like to think this embarrassing incident that happened the day my ex met the love of his life gives us history, some past connection, some reason why you’d be interested in me right now. Of course that’s all nonsense, if you were interested in me wouldn’t you have said yes to my invitation all those years ago? Then maybe we would have kissed and I would have been the one who found the love of her life.

The thing is it didn’t really bother me all that much at the time. I just walked away (that part at least wasn’t a lie), and called my best friend and told her about how my ex was kissing another girl against a dark brick wall and how upset I was because of it. You didn’t really factor into the conversation, you were irrelevant, just a possible, passing distraction. Of course it would have been nice if you wanted to kiss me, I won’t deny that, but it was still an amusing story nonetheless. Amusing doesn’t warm your bed at night though.

I was looking back at a sort of diary entry I wrote on the day, and you’re almost a footnote. I wrote I was sad about my ex then attempted to make out with you but failed because I’m awkward. This all makes sense. What doesn’t make sense is why I have been so into you for the past few months. It can’t be your stupid close-cropped hair or your stupid muscle tee dressing sense or even your stupid muscles underneath the muscle tee. Or your stupid friends who speak more in abuses and less in actual words. And it definitely couldn’t be your email writing skills. I have no proof that you wrote these emails I read recently, but I have a feeling you did, and they’re just the worst. Okay that’s categorically untrue, but they’re pretty bad. Why do they all start with ‘hey’? Just write Dear or nothing, go hard or go home.

Anyway, so I’m not quite sure where this passing attraction came from, I don’t even know you, but it’s there and very upsetting.

Worst part? I’m sure you can see it, you’re just being a dick about it.