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[writewhateatsyou-blog]

Tell me why I have to be mad at everything. Jeremy’s new girlfriend, I have to hate her. Not because she says shit about me, but strictly for the reason that she’s dating him. If I don’t call her names I’m seen as weak. Someone who told me they loved me now walks around telling people in the high school he was just with me to lose his virginity because I’m “easy”. Someone I believed when he said it. He was the nicest guy that’s ever come into my life when it came to relationships. The soul reason I don’t trust nice guys anymore. He called me every night to make sure I had eaten and I was okay. To make sure I wasn’t crying. And the days I was, he stayed up as long as it took to get me to fall asleep. When I would break down in front of him, face to face, he would hug me until I stopped. He didn’t even have to speak. He just knew when I didn’t need to talk. When he told me he loved me I believed him. I fucking believed him. He acted like he cared. I actually thought he did. Then he started hurting me. Telling me he loved me while emotionally tearing me in two. Without realizing it maybe. Now, all he does is break me with the shit he thinks will never get back to my ears. His girlfriend spreads it like wildfire. Haunting me. Whenever someone tells me they love me now, I push away. I don’t want it. I can’t handle it. Next year I’ll have to go to school with someone who’s name alone makes my stomach turn. Passing by him, hearing him spew compliments at me. Just trying to “lighten the tension” he always says. But I’m a hoe. I wanted everything that happened. I needed it more than I need air. Because, didn’t you know? All I am is a walking body. No soul. No personality. No expression. Whatever someone else says, goes. It defines me. That’s why I can never tell a soul what happened that day. I’ll actually have to face it if I say it. If I say it, I’ll be judged. If I say anything, I’ll be judged. All I’m doing is making my “friends” angry because I can’t speak about any of this. Not to anyone. The chances of me actually sending this to you are almost nonexistent. The truth is, no one cares. Not pacey, not keaton, not joslyn, Reegan, Tyanna, rylee, autumn, Brooklyn, Lilli, jd, draven, chaise, anyone who has every said they cared. It was wasted breathe. I’ll push everyone away in the end. Alone. That’s how it needs to be so I won’t get hurt again. I’m so ready to die it’s unimaginable. But I won’t ask for the help I need, because I’m supposed to be the strong one in my family. I’m just 15, I don’t actually want to die, it’s “just for attention”. That’s what I’m told. But death has been looking at me as an all to forgiving escape from all my issues. I just want to go to sleep tonight and not wake up in the morning. I can’t deal with memories. Flashbacks. I can’t. I just need everything to stop. But, I know when I wake up tomorrow morning, I’ll go about my daily routine. I’ll act like this night never happened because nothing is ever going to be done about my thoughts.

[writewhateatsyou-blog]

“Honey, you never needed him.”

- 2/365 -

[writewhateatsyou-blog]

“I told you I needed closure. I told you I needed something to help me get over this. I told you I needed shelter from the hailstorm of thoughts with the weight of boulders raining down inside of me. I told you I needed you. You told me to get over it.”

- that’s how it all started.

[writewhateatsyou-blog]

“I would’ve bled out if you told me you liked the color red.”

- 1/365 -