xtscharlie - Tumblr blog

[xtscharlie]

her reason

In the middle of this 2023 award season She sits at home in her pink pyjamas that are at least three years old and wonders what's my reason Why How When and where What am I going to do? 

Am I ever going to achieve that same kind of greatness that is being paraded on tv?  What do those words even mean to me  Does it have to be a big success story or is a simple life just good enough? Coffee on a slow summer morning on the patio  Two lovers who share a laugh 

But there’s this creative always trying to peak through  Reminding her that there is more  In every day life she makes up monologues about what it even means to be alive At night she finishes the second chapter of her second book And when she’s with friends she pretends that she’s completely normal.  Like she is not in this very moment thinking about how the story she’s writing will allow her to quit her day job 

But her reasons are not bigger than theirs She’s just like them  Three year old pyjamas and the same high school dramas  Nobody around her is doing anything else  Why would she want to change a perfectly laid out path  How is she supposed to do anything else than work her little job and be a little frustrated at the end of the day when the pay check still arrives in the mail 

What else would she even want to do, they ask  To write, she says. That is her goal. But what, they ask Anything, she says. Her reason? It keeps her alive. 

charlie

[xtscharlie]

how do we feel about a friends to lovers romance set in New York. He works as a chef, she's a waitress and works three jobs. He's from a high society family, she lost her mom in a car accident five years ago. Comes from the bad part of Brooklyn and loves tea. He's completely in love with her but his best friend owns the restaurant and is against romances in the work place. She keeps telling him about her bad dates and he pretends not to think about her naked. It's her dream to cook and they exchange recipes. But they can't be together. There's a family secret and oh, she's bisexual and he can get grumpy while she's a sweetheart.

[xtscharlie]

writing can be so fucking lonely sometimes

[xtscharlie]

She’s a 10 but relates to everything Franz Kafka and Fyodor Dostoyevsky have ever said

[xtscharlie]

what is love to you

love has been compared to roses and daisies pink blindness and forgetting what real life is a single kiss, a touch of the lips so powerful it blossoms into something so beautiful that it changes a lovers life forever

it is the wife that is blinded by the sun a deafening brightness hiding her husbands true colours love is red and blue but in the purple truth we break it's that one heartbreak that's been described as the worst no, mine was more soul crushing than yours my love was an addiction well, whole albums were written about mine since when is love a competition?

it's always magnificent a beautifier or a destroyer of faith a faith in crisis and the sickening inability to repress these grand feelings

love is larger than life magical healing pure

love has been compared to every feeling, gesture and household item a heart shaped necklace, the gift of time, a cruel intention

so what is love to you?

charlie

[xtscharlie]

hey if you died right now whats your ghost outfit you cant change it be honest

[xtscharlie]

I am one song into the new raye album and i can confidently say its one of my top 3 albums this year

[xtscharlie]

is this legal?

[xtscharlie]

credits

[xtscharlie]

gracie abrams releases her first album in 23 days is everyone ready?

[xtscharlie]

I decided to romanticize my 2023. I want this year to be worthy. I want to grow as a person. I want to do the best for me.

[xtscharlie]

And i‘m so scared of loosing all control

Don‘t you tell me. „It‘s better to let it go“

When the weight of the world feels so close

It‘s only me, me, md

[xtscharlie]

My therapist once told me, “You are the guiltiest feeling person I’ve ever met” and just to prove her right, I took it to heart. An astrologer said, “You have so much water in your chart. What is it like to feel the emotions of every single person alive, everyday?” and I wept because I sensed he was displeased. A teacher told my parents “She’s very sensitive. Far more than the other kids in her class.” I took my SATs at 9 years old, but they encouraged my mother to hold me back because of how my eyes glistened when I heard the word no. She told them to go to hell. So I cried my way through my education until high school when they said “You take everything so personally, you’ll never survive in a company environment. You wouldn’t make a good employee.” So I employed myself (out of spite or…necessity) and then later, I hired 200 people. A boyfriend told me “Don’t be so dramatic, everything isn’t a movie.” Fine, so it’ll be an album then. The doctor said “This shouldn’t hurt a bit.” I tread daily on a minefield that leaves me classifying the variations in footsteps, the tonality in voice, a change in breath. “Is everything okay? You seem mad” is my pledge of allegiance to this tightly wound bundle of flesh. I am cut open, butterflied and flayed, with every single nerve exposed like live wires and, yes, they all hurt to touch. Each interaction is a litmus test of how well liked I am, and therefore how worthy to live. I wake up every morning and the moral barometer resets, T-minus 12 hours to prove to myself that I am not the bad person I believe I must be. Sleep, repeat. An amnesiac nightmare. Prometheus on a rock and the gull in my guts is myself. I once envied those with greater armor, but not anymore. “Why do you care so much?” Guard yourself from the little grievances, but the shield does not differentiate. The space where I am vulnerable to the pain that passes through is an entry point for the microscopic good that others may miss. I live in technicolor torment. If I could do it over again and choose the comfortable grey, I would seize a knife and cut the little keyholes back into my every limb. So the light can get in.

[xtscharlie]

growing up feels restrictive

growing up feels restrictive to me I should be spreading my wings but instead I think I’m loosing my roots my ties to everything I know  me. 

places I’ve inhabited my whole life have been disrupted by career changes, natural disasters and new faces. the school I never go to anymore the name of the restaurant I pretend to forget 

people who thing they know me question my choices  choices I can’t explain because if I would I’d have to let them in on my pain.  whatever you do don’t tell my parents. don’t tell them that with every root that loosens I feel closer to the person I’m meant to be. but with every root that loosens I am also loosing a part of who I used to be.  the little girl in the pink flower raincoat wasn’t afraid to jump into puddles.  but the teenager with acne was too afraid to take any chances at all.

and the me in the present wonders if she has to choose either one would keep me tied down to some part of myself that isn’t the whole story. so who do I choose to loose?

charlie

[xtscharlie]

They are not allowed to date because his best friend owns the restaurant and is against it. But not only because it would be a work relationship…

how do we feel about a friends to lovers romance set in New York. He works as a chef, she's a waitress and works three jobs. He's from a high society family, she lost her mom in a car accident five years ago. Comes from the bad part of Brooklyn and loves tea. He's completely in love with her but his best friend owns the restaurant and is against romances in the work place. She keeps telling him about her bad dates and he pretends not to think about her naked. It's her dream to cook and they exchange recipes. But they can't be together. There's a family secret and oh, she's bisexual and he can get grumpy while she's a sweetheart.

[xtscharlie]

how do we feel about a friends to lovers romance set in New York. He works as a chef, she's a waitress and works three jobs. He's from a high society family, she lost her mom in a car accident five years ago. Comes from the bad part of Brooklyn and loves tea. He's completely in love with her but his best friend owns the restaurant and is against romances in the work place. She keeps telling him about her bad dates and he pretends not to think about her naked. It's her dream to cook and they exchange recipes. But they can't be together. There's a family secret and oh, she's bisexual and he can get grumpy while she's a sweetheart.

[xtscharlie]

I’m not scared of sharks, I’m not scared of being naked, I’m not scared of anything. SAMIA Honey