yesimxin - Tumblr blog

[yesimxin]

oh i miss to be here

[yesimxin]

my head hurts so bad

[yesimxin]

I wonder what my life looks like without having my mental illness. Perhaps it would be peaceful, as there wouldn't be any thoughts of ending my life. There would be no voices inside my head pushing me to inflict cuts, bruises, or engage in harmful behaviors. Maybe I could experience having many friends and enjoy every conversation with them without feeling anxious. Perhaps I could eat as much food as I want without feeling guilty, without punching my stomach or forcing myself to throw up. I want to experience that kind of peaceful life. So, tell me, when will I get better?

[yesimxin]

I don't know if I can still learn how to live without having thoughts of hurting myself. I don't know if the thoughts of ending my life will ever go away. I don't know when I will forgive myself and learn how to love and appreciate myself. I don't know if that day will ever come because I've been waiting since I was 10 years old.

[yesimxin]

I’m out of energy. I can’t engage with people like I used to. I’ve lost motivation to do workouts like before. I can’t hold my brush and pen to do art. I can’t motivate myself to write for my own good. I can’t read for an entire day because I’m distracted. I can’t feel the excitement that I used to feel while listening to music. I’m bored now while playing games that I used to play 24/7. I’m starting to lose interest in activities I enjoy. I’m losing a part of myself, and I don’t know if I can still take it back.

[yesimxin]

Things I can do

I can destroy you I can spend my day Blabbing things you do To other people I can ruin you With my words But I didn’t Instead I kept my mouth shut Glued my eyes closed And covered my ears

[yesimxin]

nothing changed i thought i was healed merely to discover that i wasn't it keeps coming back as certain things fuel it causing me to burn more it aches it suffocates me i need to breathe.

[yesimxin]

i hope the world is being gentle with you i hope things are doing just fine i hope you passed all your quizzes and exams i hope you get the job you applied for and promotion you deserve

i hope people reciprocate what you do and give for them i hope somebody is there when you need to speak your mind i hope you get the answers to your questions i hope the world gives you what you desire

i hope you’re not isolating yourself in your room i hope you learn how to love yourself before loving others i hope you’re not blaming yourself for everything i hope you heal from your wounds and bruises

- xin

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but where should i begin? when my mind is filled with chaotic thoughts teeming with what-ifs and undesirable scenarios

- xin