yet-another-autism-blog

[yet-another-autism-blog]

So a friend and I have been planning a trip to go to the mcr concert, and then do a few other things since we'll be there for the weekend.

I've been looking forward to this for months. Then the other day my friend asked if I minded if he brought his partner. I said that was fine with me, because it should be. It doesn't change anything really, just adds another person.

But now I just want the trip to be over.

I really hate how relatively small changes to a plan, changes that arent even bad necessarily, can ruin something I was really excited about

[yet-another-autism-blog]

I really hate how relatively small changes to a plan, changes that arent even bad necessarily, can ruin something I was really excited about

[yet-another-autism-blog]

Autistic trauma is so devastating and yet so corny. You'll be doing everything perfectly normal in public but someone will sneer at you and you'll spend an hour agonizing over yourself like "fuck what if no one told me it was Don't Wear Yellow Thursday"

[yet-another-autism-blog]

Okay this is going to be like half confused/ hurt ramble and half advice seeking, I'll try to keep it clear but no promises.

Background: I dropped out of community college about a year and a half ago and moved out of state. I was a theatre major and was close to finishing my associates. The entire time I was in the program (much longer than a typical associates program because I was a very part time student) I worked closely with the department chair for the theatre department. He was very supportive of me early in my transition and when I struggled with things due to my autism. He was hugely instrumental in my decision to pursue acting professionally and overall a great mentor for me over those years.

The situation: Students in the theatre program, most of whom I don't know but a few that I do, are calling for him to be fired for misconduct, not like actual sexual assault but things like creating assignments that encouraged female students to remove their clothing, or making sexual comments during class, and things like that.

A lot of it I never experienced or saw, the couple things that I did were the kinds of things that are pretty meaningless on their own, so I didn't think much of it. But now in full context take on a different meaning as part of a larger picture/ pattern of behavior.

The few friends I had in the program did vent about him to me on several occasions but it was never anything like this. It was always irritation at casting decisions or directorial instructions, or just the general anger and irritation that happens during tech week or opening nights when there's just a lot of stress and tension all around. I always expressed sympathy or understanding about the situation, but again, I was never told anything like the accusations being made now.

Advice seeking? (I guess): I feel like there's cues that I missed, both things that I didn't notice from him and from my friends in the program that I should have picked up on. Or that there's something I did that made my friends feel like they couldn't or shouldn't tell me about it, or that they tried and I didn't understand and thought it was less serious than it was. So has anyone else been in that kind of situation? How do you handle it? How do you make sure it doesn't get this far without you knowing about it and being able to do you part to support those affected?

Confused/hurt ramble: on a more personal note, this kind of makes me question everything. I was planning on spending the next year saving up and trying to go back to school and hopefully actually finish my bachelor's but now I'm not sure. Someone who encouraged and inspired me was doing this the entire time, how do I move forward with that? Like? 'Yeah the person who encouraged me and is the reason I've continued in this field, the reason I'm here ended up being fired for his behavior with my fellow students'. And even more importantly how do I, in good conscience, continue forward? This kind of behavior has run rampant in the entertainment industry and if it's ever going to stop people have to be willing and able to stand up and stop it. So how can I try to get into this industry when it was happening all around me and I had no idea? I won't be another person who turns a blind eye to this but how am I supposed to do better when I'm too oblivious to notice it happening?

And I feel guilty for 'falling for it' so to speak. He talked in class about the importance of feminist theatre works, and he encouraged our theatre club to put on a protest performance piece to protest the states abortion ban, and I believed that he believed in it. I trusted him because he was nice to me amd he celebrated when I was finally able to start testosterone, and he encouraged me to pursue gay male roles in shows, and so I believed what he said when I shouldn't have.

[yet-another-autism-blog]

I do find it interesting that even within disability focused or conscious spaces autism is treated as a sort of Schrodingers disability in which it is a disability until a symptom is inconvenient or an autistic persons access needs clash with another disabled persons access needs, then its not really a disability or that symptom/ access need is fake.

[yet-another-autism-blog]

What i lack in social skills i make up for in... idk nothing I guess

[yet-another-autism-blog]

I LOVE being autistic and trying to communicate because every time it’s

[yet-another-autism-blog]

SO TRUE BUT HEY

[yet-another-autism-blog]

You take wild guesses at how to talk to people. You sometimes talk about your special interests too much and people find you annoying. You sometimes underestimate people's interest and avoid people who would have liked you. You sometimes overestimate people's interest and continue to try to talk to people when they want you to leave them alone. You sometimes talk to someone too often and end up being clingy and turning someone off who otherwise would have liked you. You sometimes go out of your way to think of something to say and end up having an awkward and forced conversation. You sometimes accidentally say something rude and people hate you for it. You sometimes say something and it gets misinterpreted.

You ask for advice. The advice you receive is "talk to people".

[yet-another-autism-blog]

autistic folks when their routine gets disrupted, and they don't get alone time when they're supposed to get alone time

[yet-another-autism-blog]

So I was talking with my therapist the other day about alexythemia, and how I essentially fit the description from an emotions standpoint. But one thing he said was that one of the big symptoms of alexythemia is lacking creativity. And I don't fit that.

And like, sure, okay, whatever. I can see it to a point. I definitely feel that I'm not as creative as I wish I was, or I'm not as creative as the people around me in the artists circles I like to be in. So maybe.

But at the same time, that requires you to view creativity as something innate, that you either have or you don't. And I don't think that's necessarily accurate. Creativity is a skill. And, like any other skill, it's something you can develop and practice. Sure, some people's starting point is more 'advanced' than others but ultimately I think the most creative people are going to be the people who put the effort into it.

[yet-another-autism-blog]

In a move that surprises no one, the autism warrior moms are defending elon musk's nazi salute on the grounds that "he has autism😢 he was just overstimulated😢😢😢 have some compassion and patienc😢"

And I'm here to say, no! That is a grown man who willingly got on stage, in front of thousands of people and a live TV audience, and performed a nazi salute. Not once, but twice.

There is no excuse. There is no justification. And I will have no compassion.

[yet-another-autism-blog]

Neurodivergent sentence of the day: "I finished my coffee, now it's time to go to bed."

[yet-another-autism-blog]

Been talking with my therapist and slowly coming to terms with the fact that it might actually be impossible for me to form a close relationship with another person

[yet-another-autism-blog]

I used to get cleaning done by having my sister come over and do the whole accountability partner thing, where she would just come over and hang out while I cleaned.

But now my sister and I live in different states, and the only person I know here who could do that for me is my mother. And she's incapable of not criticizing everything I do. So now I don't know what to do

[yet-another-autism-blog]

I leave every social interaction feeling like I should be banned from ever speaking to or interacting with another person ever again because I am normal, healthy, and well-adjusted

[yet-another-autism-blog]

I think some of you forgot that autistic people sometimes act strange and say things that are poorly worded and speak with incorrect tone and misunderstand or miss social cues because they are autistic