ramblingtomcat

[ramblingtomcat]

I visited my family recently, meaning I went to visit my sibling and their spouse and kids. They have three kids and boy was it something. They are the only close family I still got. Both our parents are gone now and I'm not super close with our cousins or anyone since most of them live in a different continent. Anyway... I love and hate it at the same time. I like my family. I like being with them, playing with the kids and just vibe. Yet it's very tiring. The way I have to mask around kids, but also their parents - I don't know. I'm openly neurodivergent and yet feel I need to educate every chance I get. They have two neurodivergent kids, one having a mental disability. Since I'm in often very inclusive spaces as well as disability/mad pride stuff, it feels fucking hard to feel like I need to educate about ableism. Like I need to learn it too. But anyway.

That all aside I also feel overstimulated most of the time. Everything is (extremely) loud, I feel very on edge knowing I need to converse with people (nephew/niece etc) constantly. It's completely impossible to not lose stuff, not only because the house is larger than my normally confined space. It's also possible that any of my nephews/nieces might borrow stuff and leave it somewhere else or mess up my order coincidentally. This actually drives me crazy but I don't blame them, because who am I to judge really? Also you might assume I don't mind chaos since I'm not a tidy person at all - but I still somewhat try to vaguely know where everything is. And that's just impossible with the kids. Ughhh...

Anyway semi-unrelated: I really don't want kids. Not now or ever. Exceptions might be, if my life circumstances make me adopt someone for any reason or something similar. I like kids, but I somewhat fear that would change if I had kids. I can't deal with the thought of being responsible for a whole upbringing. The thought of needing to teach a human how to use the toilet or how to care for themselves - why would I want that? I can deal with being responsible for someone else's life, but I can't deal with the responsibility for someone else's essential skills.

On another semi-unrelated note: being asked by a 12-year-old and a 9-year-old when I would get a stable job is really humbling and also slightly concerning. Not because I'm concerned for myself (which I am, since it's MY life), but moreso being aware that that's two kids growing up in a capitalist world, raised to love capitalism and see a stable job and money as the default route that is always more desirable than everything else.

Like... As a leftist, maybe anarchist leaning person whose neurodivergence has disabled them in more than one way - the politest possible "fuck you", because yeah. On one hand: those are children who need to live in ignorant bliss, because why should they need to grow up faster by seeing the existential dread most feel? But on the other hand: would they even understand it until it's their life?

It takes a village to raise a child. I don't have a child, but as an aunt/uncle to those three children, I fucking have a responsibility. And how am I going to use that? How can I make them understand? Placing seeds carefully, I guess.

Ugh. And all that while being very overstimulated and overwhelmed and burning out. Why is it so hard to maintain family?

[ramblingtomcat]

Sometimes I wonder if I'm faking it when my depression isn't chronic. Sometimes I wonder if people could get rid of their chronic depression if they try enough. And no, I don't think it's that easy. Heck, I don't know. I'm not that depressed right now and I know I tend to get slapped back into the depths of hell once I don't pay enough attention. Seriously though: how can one heal the ones who don't want to be healed? How can one want to heal when they've forgotten how it is to not be broken? Healing is very scary and painful and I don't blame anyone who prefer to keep feeling like shit because that's just how they've adapted to life.

If hell keeps you alive, maybe it's at least something. You're here still. Breathing still. You exist and I appreciate that, even if you don't know me or believe me. I'd rather you not be in hell, but ... If you're still here just a bit, maybe there's still time to heal. You'd deserve it.

[ramblingtomcat]

Turns out the possibility that I also have autism isn't that low. It starts to be more noticeable in therapy. I find it easier to focus on talking when I don't look somewhere in particular. Eye contact is overrated anyway. I don't know if I want it diagnosed though. Would that be even worth it? I already get ADHD meds and that's great. Autism can't be cured nor really treated. I don't need accommodations that aren't accessible yet. I can mostly cope. I don't know. Might change my opinion if I keep unmasking even more to a point I experience skill regression. I don't think it will ever get to that point, but hey. Who knows. My brain is weird.

[ramblingtomcat]

Having ADHD is ridiculous. What do you mean I'm doomed to lose anything that is not directly attached to my body once I lose sight of it for a minute? And what do you mean, I get to have a mental breakdown because of a fucking missing earbud? I want to reset this day so badly that it physically hurts.

[ramblingtomcat]

Talent reduces me to an aspect of myself I can't even help.

[ramblingtomcat]

How to get better

It just hit me, that the reason why I couldn't let go of the "I must do x thing" and transforming it into a "I want to do x thing" was, that I didn't really care. As you are in deep depression, you just don't see any point in stuff that's necessary. For some it might be personal hygiene, for some it might be paying bills or simply having hobbies or a life of stuff to do.

I reframed it as "I will do x thing" first, as it's just a fact that sooner or later I will do stuff necessary to survive.

"I must live, because of the people I'd leave behind."

Turns into "I WILL live, because I might not care about myself yet, but I think at some point I will care about myself and also I DO care about the ones that seem to like me."

And now it turned into "I WANT to live, because I just started to like myself and my life and I care".

And also with more day-to-day tasks.

I must/have to do dishes. -> I will do dishes. -> I want to keep my kitchen clean, so I guess I want to do the dishes, because I do care about that.

Yeah... Hey things are looking up. If I made it to this point... Maybe the sky IS the limit.

[ramblingtomcat]

ADHD & Intense Emotions

Future ADHD

Fixed typo

[ramblingtomcat]

Dealing with complicated feelings

I don't do well with bad news, because I will ignore it. I will avoid the shit out of a situation until it haunts me and slaps me across the face so hard that I comically lose a tooth in the process. Metaphorically speaking.

I know why. Avoiding the pain and ignoring the panic has been really useful in the past to keep myself safe. If I don't feel safe, I don't let my pain be felt. And when I feel safe again, I just might forget that I was in pain in the first place.

Ignoring people has been essential for me to avoid bullying. You can't bully a weird neurodivergent kid, when it doesn't even get upset about it, doesn't even acknowledge the existence of being bullied. Maybe I am just sticking my head in the sand, but it sadly is my first reaction to everything.

My partner is different and that was a conflict years ago. He forced me to face some things and it was good back then. He forced me to get help, because otherwise I would have lost him.

And I fear that again as a reaction. It's not that I lie to him, but I haven't mentioned the letter to him yet. I will eventually but I'm too busy to make it accessible to myself first. I'm weak for not being able to be like "Hey, I don't feel good, but I can't talk about it yet." No, it's instead easier to mask that and just act normally. I also see him mirroring that sometimes and I am sorry. I'm sure he doesn't do it on purpose, but I also don't always ask him how he's doing. How he's feeling. I know he has some things that pull him down. But also when I ask, normally there's nothing I can do to make it better and he also doesn't tell me what I should do or ask or say.

Is that us being autistic and unable to voice our needs in the way the other one understands clearly enough to act on it? None of us is diagnosed, mind you. I only have confirmed ADHD. But I do have autistic traits and he has even more of them.

I'm still just a fucking loser. I don't really know how to be a good partner.

Well. It's not like we're not communicating at all. I feel like once we have processed our feelings about a situation we can actually reflect on it and communicate it. I just sometimes feel pressured to immediately have things that happen to me served in a digestible way to explain to him.

What is this relationship sometimes?

Because I know I will never love someone the way I love him. I know I would go lengths for him that I would probably not go for anybody else. We met each other at a bad time probably, but also he made me want to live. If I went back in time warning myself from the future the thing I would tell them about him would be: "Look. Life is going to be hard when you are together, but he is also the reason you would want to be alive at my age. It's easy to say 'i would die for you', but he is the person you would want to live for. There will be a lot of existential dread because you're both broke and neurodivergent and you have unhealthy coping mechanisms that make you lie sometimes and carry the heavy weight of the world around you. But you know what? You have never loved a person as much as you love him. So maybe... Just try to seek therapy sooner. Like waaay sooner. And don't go to the GP doctor you are at right now because she will mess you up and set you back a year or so. Also when that one counselor tells you that you might have ADHD, go get yourself diagnosed, because he was damn right! Five years before you actually had the diagnosis."

Ugh.

Why does life have to be so grey shaded? Like sometimes I wonder if my life is good, if my relationship and my friendships are healthy. And for the most part I would say yes. But the parts that make me feel like they are kind of unhealthy, that are parts that just doesn't have an easy solution like "break up with them/break up your friendship, talk to them". Because... They do actually like me, love me, care about me. And I do actually love them too. I'm having a shutdown over being confronted with uncomfortable things.

I don't hate you.

I don't know how to say that.

I have a lot on my plate and the feeling that I must eat it all alone. (Metaphorically speaking.)

I don't know what's wrong with me.

[ramblingtomcat]

This time I wanna post something positive and cute :3

My friendships are unique. I'm not always a good friend but I try for the ones remaining. And that includes:

My other ADHD/autistic friends who I sometimes forget but am very close to when we do talk

The guy who I keep sending cursed things and memes back and forth that make me think "thanks I hate it, please send more"

The girl who is all the drama but also caring in her own way and I appreciate that despite not getting some of her life choices

The girl I know since elementary school who knows exactly how cringe I was and who I will always be cringe with

The guy who is cishet and yet one of the queerest cishet persons I know and actually a guy I would trust with my drink 100%

A ride or die bestie who I managed to match styles with multiple times without actually coordinating it

The platonic soulmate online bestie who ghosts me sometimes but when they're not ghosting me they are the one person that actually gets me and yet I'm not in love with them

Two friends that I befriended when they were breaking up with each other and now we and another before mentioned friend who is dating one of them and we are pretty close despite it getting a little less frequent in the group chat lately

My very neurodivergent undiagnosed writer crowd who I love dearly although sometimes our neurodivergencies don't match

My queer friends and acquaintances that make me forget straight people exist sometimes

My straight friends that remind me that straight people exist and can be chill too

Yeah friends are great. Just needed to get it out

[ramblingtomcat]

You're an actor

Every day

All day

You're well known.

People love you

Or what they perceive as

Being you.

You're an actor

A method actor if you will.

You're praised for being so convincing

You represent a character so well

As if they were alive

They love it.

You're an actor

And you love giving autographs

Because it's all you've known all life

Everything in your life feels

Broadcasted.

Rehearsed.

Your smiles, your tears

You don't know where your character starts

And where you end.

And you're afraid to find out.

You're an actor

You tell yourself, as you're wondering

Why everyone else acts as if they weren't acting at all

Maybe one day it dawns on you.

Maybe not today

Not tomorrow but...

You're an actor.

You know that you're not actually that character everyone knows and loves

You know that sometimes when you're on your own

Alone at home you take off your shoes

Take off the jacket, the clothes

You say to yourself that you're just introverted after all that socializing and maybe you're right

You sit down in front of your computer

Opening a private browser tab just in case anyone peeks over watching when

You're not an actor.

You dream of going grocery shopping just on your own without being recognized.

Going to self-checkout because

You don't want anyone to bother you

You don't want to be a bother

You dream of going to the restroom

Without a gossip site broadcasting

That the

Famous actor

Is actually

A human.

Just minding their own business most of the time

Holding their head down because most of the time

They don't want to be famous

They don't want to be recognized

They don't want to be seen just because

You're an actor

And people seem to be so damn entitled to your life because its

Nothing to them but their precious

Favorite character.

But you're not though.

Either not all the time or not at all

You can only be an actor

Whether they know you or not

You don't always like your job.

But quitting isn't always easy nor linear.

The world is getting crueler outside and Social Media blasts your business when you decide to retire.

I just hope you only retire, that you never quit.

Because if you quit

All of the sudden

That actor quitting would be the biggest story

People click on it for the shock value

They pretend that they used to care

About that actor

And not the character.

And that wouldn't be good, right?

You're an actor

From time to time

And hopefully

You get to retire soon so you get to

Go to the grocery store and mind your own business while you only get friendly nods and silent glances

Because I do believe that

You're human.

Above everything else

No matter all the Oscars and Emmys and prizes

Outside and at home you're

Always a human.

[ramblingtomcat]

I don't remember caring about anything more than this

[ramblingtomcat]

Reason to Live #11663

    Cats. – Guest Submission

(Please don't add negative comments to these posts.)

[ramblingtomcat]

I'm going on a stupid walk for my stupid mental health. I smoked a cigarette and it felt kinda good. I feel like walks can get very dull especially when there's no real destination. Even when I'm wandering around aimlessly in a bigger city it's quite nice because I get to see stuff. But right now? I could have gone to the Christmas market but I wasn't in the mood for people. My body needs movement but sometimes it's really hard to really motivate myself.

It's Sunday too. So nothing really happens. I crave stimulation and at the same time I could just lay down and sleep forever.

But hey. I'm doing better than some weeks ago. I feel the urge to do art. Feel the urge to create something big. Yet everything is too much sometimes.

[ramblingtomcat]

"but i'm scared of how much time it will take!"

the time will pass regardless. do it scared. it can take as long as you need, and you can take as many breaks as you want. but still do it.

[ramblingtomcat]

Everything is a chore.

Waking up is a chore.

Making breakfast is a chore.

Washing dishes is a chore.

Going outside and run errands is a chore.

Meeting people is a chore.

Being alone with myself is a chore.

Planning ahead is a chore.

Taking care of myself is a chore.

Doing fun stuff is a chore.

I haven't even listed everything yet.

But nothing feels easy right now.

Nothing but writing.

My mind is full of worlds and words and I don't even do it for the fun.

I write and write and it does feel "fun".

Yet I just can't help it.

I write, because if I don't, I wouldn't have a lot to live for.

No, I am not suicidal. I don't think so.

Just very overwhelmed.

I just started a bullet journal.

And I don't really want to do it. But at the same time, the novelty keeps me going.

My therapist said I should find ways to give myself structure.

And I agree.

I hate that I agree.

I hate that I need all this.

Why can't life be just a little bit easier?

[ramblingtomcat]

Hope you have a lovely day! 🎉🎉 And if not today, sometime soon! 🎉🎉

Aww thank you very much!🥹 This is so sweet! I hope you have a great day too! 🫶

[ramblingtomcat]

My Spotify calling me out after meltdown for no fucking reason