#''so i reached out to XYZ and no one would talk to me''

[littleeyesofpallas]

Thankfully I don't have to deal with shit on youtube 99% of the time but every so often I open the front page on incognito/private at work or something and I'm reminded what a shitscape popular youtube videos are. But other than the usual mill of adult cocomelon tier clickbait, I'm really off put by this apparent trend in fake "scam buster" type videos where some wannabe hbomberguy, or some C string programmer, or some loser who grew out of doing prank videos churns out frequent and regular videos of what are blatantly fake ""takedowns"" of scam companies. And it's always this uncited hearsay """"research"""" followed by either randomly harassing slave wage workers at like a call center somewhere or actually literally nothing. And somehow people are dumb enough to fall for this garbage?? On like a weekly basis????

A little rule of thumb. If a person's channel relies on the incredibly unlikely event that they can both locate and effectively address these kinds of scams or other problems, with time to script and edit videos on the events once a week or even just once a month, AND remain competitive with a dozen other channels doing the exact same shit, and have never dropped the ball or run out of stories to tell? They're full of shit. They are "my uncle works at Nintendo" kids running the same school yard grift for meaningless clout a decade+ after the fact.

[celestie0]

hi friends, i won’t be posting or updating any of my works for an indefinite period n will be on hiatus from this blog as well.

i’ve unlisted kickoff & ihm on ao3 (haven’t deleted, they’ve just been made private) and i’ve unpinned my masterlist here on tumblr (again nothing’s been deleted so you could probably find the chapters if you searched my tags)

but the reason i did that is because i don’t want any new readers finding my works during my hiatus because i don’t want to potentially upset more people in the event that, during this hiatus, i decide that i would no longer like to write my fics

that would be an insanely sad decision to make. i put so much thought into my stories not because i am trying to make them entertaining, but it’s because they genuinely mean so much to me and are cathartic in ways i can’t describe. i have spent a great majority of my life self negating for the sake of others, and so writing was just a form of expression where i could talk about all the things i’ve suppressed over the years - anxiety, career stress, financial stress, avoidance, depression, loss, coming of age, navigating love, etc

but lately, and i do think it’s been a build up of just some careless words from a handful of people over the months, i find myself steering towards a practice of writing that is no longer asking the question “how can i put as much of myself in this piece as possible?” but rather “how can i make sure people won’t criticize this…i feel awful that it doesn’t have what they want it to have…other creators are doing xyz, should i be doing that too?…i’m just scared to share this”

not exactly sure when that shift in headspace began, but as of right now, it’s as strong as ever. and i understand that those questions may seem irrational, and i just have to try to not focus on the feeling, n i wish i was someone that could compartmentalize those thoughts better, but here’s the thing — the whole reason i started expressing myself through writing in the first place was because i’ve spent my whole life compartmentalizing. it would feel so ironic & untrue to the lessons i’ve learned in this journey if i just chose to “suck this up” and continue pushing forward until i reach a point of burnout simply because i don’t want to upset anyone

i’m really sorry i couldn’t focus on the positive. especially with all the insane n incredible amount of love n support i’ve received for my works. i’ve said this time n time again but when i started posting kickoff to ao3 back in january of this year, i had NO idea it would be this loved by so many people…i was like ok can’t wait to interact w these four readers for the rest of the year…and then BAM, i find myself fully sobbing after each chapter update because i was so touched by all the sweet n kind words. i don’t want this decision to come off in a way that makes it seems like i don’t love u guys sm or that i’m ungrateful — i’ve always taken pride in respecting my audience. even for a simple hobby, i try to put effort into my works. i proofread, i plan out, i edit in length, all because i am, well, for one, i’m a bit of a perfectionist LOL but also i think there’s a great deal of honor in respecting an audience that gives you their time n attention

but i already am struggling in my life to focus on the positive. medicine has been such an incredibly daunting career to pursue, i’m honestly only doing slightly better now because i’m just filled with relief that i got into med school to begin with lol it’s still surreal to me, so the stress has been kinda manageable so far on that sense of optimism, but dear god the shit i went through to get here…and the shit i know i still face ahead of me. i spend all of my serotonin on trying to stay positive in the face of my responsibilities. so all of this time i’ve spent trying to stay positive for the sake of my stories too has just left me with so much exhaustion — i just don’t see why posting my works should be anything less than fun and endlessly exciting when it’s a hobby that’s supposed to help me thru the actual brunt of life.

anyways, i’m getting a little carried away here. all this to say, i just need to take time away from posting my works so i can see writing as something for myself n not for others again. i don’t want the thoughts swimming in my head to be thoughts of anxiety over people potentially criticizing me n my creative decisions. i want the thoughts in my head to once again be positive, excited, and nurturing towards my stories. i don’t see how i can accomplish that at this point unless i start writing for myself once more, and not for others

i still have a great deal of passion to write, which is why i haven’t formally taken down my works. i anticipate that i may be able to come back in the future to share my writing again. but as of right now, i just want to heal the relationship that i have with this hobby, and i feel like that’s gotta happen in private (lmfao it sounds like im tryna freak my writing)

i’m sorry that i turned off my asks n my replies, i know so many of u care about me n want to support me n i just am beyond thankful. i don’t anticipate this is a forever goodbye, but i do just need some time rn away from all of this.

hope u all have a happy time!! and take care of yourselves :) much love

- ellie

[csuitebitches]

2024 Planning

I started planning for 2024 today. I’ve learned a lot this year, made mistakes, had some successes and now it’s time to take all my learnings, good or bad, and go to the next level.

I prefer starting next year’s routine from 2023’s November and December so that by the time January rolls around, I’m settled into the routine. If there’s any revisions necessary, I can do them without starting my new year on the wrong foot.

I maintain my goals on mostly short and medium term basis. This includes daily, weekly and quarterly planning (I don’t do monthly because it doesn’t work for me).

This may seem complicated (actually, it looks more complicated than it is but it’s just what helps me) but let me show you how exactly I do things.

I keep two diaries. One for daily and weekly and one for quarterly. I have a habit tracker on my phone for my daily non-Negotiables (exercise, meditation, reading and language).

The quarterly diary is my big big diary. Every quarter, it lists out all the big plans, what i want to do and who i want to be. It’s all the messy thoughts I have, all my dreams, my weaknesses, my strengths, etc etc. The only “practical” part of the diary is that there is one general plan made at the end of my mad scribbling. It has the general idea, feedback I’ve received from other people and compilation of all the advice I’ve gotten from my mentors.

2. The daily - weekly diary breaks the plan into manageable bits. I write out the week’s plan (who do i need to meet, who do i need to follow up with, any major presentation coming up, any assignment, what am i reading this week) and write a one sentence daily update on it.

I can’t use a habit tracker for this because i’m not tracking meditation or exercise on here. I’m tracking my career goals, my ambitious goals, into smaller goals. A habit tracker wouldnt cut it because I would have to elaborate more on certain things.

For example:

“20-27th Nov: Weekly list

budget presentation on Monday

1 event to attend on Tuesday. Topic: XYZ

Reading: the inheritors

reach out to mentor, schedule a meeting

7 language essays and 7 videos

Monday, 20th Nov.

work presentation: complete.

Feedback received: i need to work on XYZ.

points they raised that didnt cross my mind: XYZ

follow ups required and if yes, with who: XYZ

reading: complete. Interesting point they brought up: XYZ

essay for the day: complete.

Video complete:

Tuesday, 21st Nov

mentor meeting scheduled

event went well. Met: A, B, C who work in XYZ companies. Follow up with them next week for coffee/ drinks.

essay: complete

video: complete”

Having two diaries helps me because i can find my bigger goals without having to go through the daily entry mess. I like having the two separate.

Nov ‘23 + Dec ‘23 + Q1 2024’s goals include:

Social (meeting new people, maintaining networks)

Intellectual (biographies, documentaries, industry reports)

Personal (soft skills, language studies)

Work (presentations, courses, conferences)

A major change I’ve making this year is actively working on every single weakness I have that I know is a potential strength. I’m ignoring weaknesses that I know are 100% weaknesses like coding because there’s just no way I can sit in front of a computer and learn all that, it’s absolutely not my cup of tea and does not make me happy.

I made a list of every single weakness i have and I’m embarrassed about and ashamed of. 2024 is the year of NO shame. I’m not letting my intrusive thoughts win.

Next to each weakness I wrote out a potential solution.

Ex: not picking up the language i’m studying as fast as i want to -> write 1 short essay and a 1-2 minute video of me talking about anything in that language every single day

I’m not allowing any unnecessary negative self doubt or self talk happen. Constructive criticism is one thing, being a bitch to yourself is another. I plan to learn a lot next year.

I’ve created a manageable exposure therapy plan for myself - I aim to meet 3 new people every month and follow up with 5 new connections every month, whether it’s over chat or irl.

I’ve made a list of business biographies I’m going to read. This year I reached my reading target earlier than anticipated which I’m very happy about. Next year I’m focusing on books that are solely about business, technology and psychology.

[nabi-unveiled]

As I tried to write up the meta about "why" the writing has problems in Secret Relationships, I found myself too often writing "unless XYZ" happens. After all, we know there will be many reveals and outright surprises in the next two days. The format/narrative structure of the show demands it. I decided to leave those points off the table for now. I'll give a more detailed analysis after all of the reveals are out.

To be clear - I'm here for this messy show. I don't waste my time writing about shows I'm not enjoying. I've bought popcorn kernels so I can make the good stuff this week (that's rosemary infused popcorn for me), and I'll just ride along in the insanity.

Because I now have a notebook filled with timelines, venn diagrams, character breakdowns, etc., but I couldn't predict a single thing that might happen moving forward. I don't trust the writing and it's a makjang after all. I told someone in a DM that this show is like riding one of those high thrill amusement park rides that takes place in the dark.

The framework is so open currently that you could build just about anything on it. It's also those very problems that have prompted so many discussions about this show. If it had clean writing would we be discussing whether Da-on was a doormat? Debating whether Sung-hyun had good intentions or not? Creating head canons on what went down in the past? Probably not.

But as we approach these final two episodes, I'll leave you with just the thoughts I know to be true.

There are too many critical scenes/pieces of information from the backstory that we don't have yet that are actually required for certain parts of the narrative to be complete (without writing head canon). At the rate this show gives information, we will NOT get all of them. The question is just - which pieces do we get?

The writing is inconsistent. There is more than one example of when the writing either directly contradicted itself or did something that there's no good explanation for at the moment (without head canon). I'm not talking about any of the reveals, attempts at partial viewpoints, parallels, etc. I'm talking about the basic moments (like bar scenes, delivering the congee, etc.). When you can't nail the basics, then it makes it harder to trust the show's writing for the hard stuff.

The lack of true character building is a problem (for some of us) in interpreting the dialogue. We don't really have a good grasp of our character's motivations. The show tells us certain things, but it's been left up to us to write meaning into it. It's why there are so many very different, incompatible interpretations of these characters. It's why people are going to war over certain characters. Essentially, each of us is writing fanfiction in our head to make it make sense. For many people, that's probably not an issue. For some of us, it is.

I'm very comfortable with layering & parallels, partial viewpoints, reversals & reframing, flashback reveals, etc. Most of my favorite shows use those narrative tools. This show is pulling from that toolbox, but you could argue that it's not consistently using the tools correctly. That really depends though on what's to come in the next two episodes. Anyone want to place bets? That's the part of my analysis that has to wait until everything is revealed.

I should also clarify - saying "It's Jae-min's fault" or "Su-hyeon is violent" is not a good enough explanation for me for why things have happened or how characters (like Da-on) have reached this point. That's a multiple choice answer. I'm obviously an essay kind of gal. I get the gist, but I want MORE.

With that in mind, I'll leave you two examples of why/how the writing is causing problems.

Da-on is an enigma. It's purposeful, but it hurts our understanding of him.

At one point, I had described Da-on as someone who lets things happen to him. But if you watch, he takes action pretty frequently. We're just not privy to his thoughts. To be clear - he HAS them. We just don't know what they are. The story is really told from the viewpoint of our suitors in a lot of ways. @incandescentflower described Da-on as "a reaction emoji" and that's more accurate than you might initially think.

Take the "running to the apartment" scene in episode 3.

We know what Sung-hyun is thinking here.

We know what Su-hyeon is thinking.

We know what Jae-min is thinking.

But we don't have a CLUE what Da-on is thinking.

He's on his phone. He's looking at ..... ? He's been dropped off, but he has no idea that anyone is coming. A simple reveal at any point of what he was looking at on his phone (even if it's meaning was obscured in that moment) would give us insight to his thoughts. It could have built meaning into later dialogue or actions. But it didn't. Just like we don't really know what Da-on was thinking when he tied Sung-hyun's tie, why he agreed to go to the movies, etc. We know what Sung-hyun is thinking in those moments. We normally know what Su-hyeon and Jae-min are thinking too (in the modern timeline, the past not so much). But there are numerous moments in this show where Da-on makes a move, and we really don't know why he makes that move or what's he thinking. We just see the move itself. (There are a few exceptions to this statement.)

I actually think it's purposeful. The show wants the cathartic release of big moments where you get Da-on's thoughts. Da-on's "I'm embarrassed" is actually an example where they did "the moment" fairly well. But most of these moments have not been as direct or executed as cleanly ("I shouldn't have said it", "this is who I really am", "it feels like I'm looking at myself"). It's every viewer left to their own interpretation (for now), and y'all have been delivering that in spades. I've loved reading it. Bring me ALL the thoughts 🧐. For myself, I've written a lot of head canon in the past few weeks. 😂

2. Sung-hyun is divisive. But I don't think the show meant him to be.

I've said before - I truly believe Sung-hyun is meant to be a straightforward white knight. It's not an uncommon archetype in makjangs. Everything in the lighting (which this show does play with), framing, parallels, and even certain narrative cues tells you that. The next two episodes could prove me wrong, but it seems he's been cast as the "good guy" operating without secrets and in the open. I'd even argue that he's meant to be better than Da-on.

But he makes a lot of people uncomfortable.

After all, he overzealously buys all of the things for his crush.

He pushes his way into his crushes' life.

He kisses someone when they're drunk.

He's very physical (towards someone who is ALSO physical).

And he may ask, but he doesn't wait for verbal consent to be given before making his move.

Hold up.

Were we talking about Faifa from Perfect 10 Liners?

He does all of those things too.

But no one (that I've seen) doubts Faifa's intentions or his character. There's no hate train on Faifa. Because we KNOW him, and we understand Wine. We know how Faifa is outside of this relationship. We have a clear grasp of both Faifa's motivations and Wine's reaction to his actions. Wine is clearly ok with Faifa's moves.

But Sung-hyun is doing more than that. He's clearly manipulating Da-on into things like wearing matching clothes. Right?

Let me raise you either version of Cherry Magic. There are secret matching clothes shenanigans in those too. We don't question intentions in either version of that show either. Because it's SUBTLE and we again clearly understand motivations and reactions.

So it's not JUST the base version of Sung-hyun's actions that are making some people uncomfortable or causing this flurry of questioning. It's the writing causing chaos.

The show is trying so hard to show Sung-hyun as a man that doesn't hide things and does things in the open, that many of these become "public" proclamations and exaggerated. For some of these actions, I even wonder if it's supposed to be comedic and didn't come across as such. After all, Sung-hyun is clearly living in a romantic comedy while the others are in a thriller.

So why do I think some people are uncomfortable with Sung-hyun?

Because what is "seen" is that Da-on is uncomfortable and it feels like pressure.

Because Da-on doesn't understand Sung-hyun's actions either (which is fair - with his love experience, who would?).

Because even though all of the signs are there that he's feeling Sung-hyun and he likes him (a lot),

The ratio of those moments where Da-on lets himself "enjoy" Sung-hyun's company vs. feel uncomfortable by his actions is a bit skewed.

And because yet again - we aren't privy to most of Da-on's thoughts.

Some people will focus on the earnest "white knight" moments and the numerous moments that Da-on does show he enjoys Sung-hyun's company. After all, Da-on is clearly coping with trauma.

For other people, they will focus on Da-on's frequent discomfort and the pushiness of Sung-hyun's dialogue. Because after all, Da-on is clearly dealing with trauma.

Then there's the third group - which includes myself - who can't decide what I want to think about Sung-hyun. I'm as confused as Da-on seems to be half the time. After all, what the first group saw as earnest, the second group saw as pushy. I think it's both? My feelings vary by episode.

At this point, I don't actually know that it matters to me whether Sung-hyun's a good white knight or not. In my mind Da-on needs to choose himself, because the man is clearly working through trauma. (Note: This doesn't always preclude a relationship. I just think Da-on needs time to be independent.)

When characters get this muddled, it's almost certainly because of the writing/script. The question this time is....is it intentional? or is it not? We won't know until all is revealed.

Anyways, let's get the popcorn popping. There's insanity to be enjoyed. Let the thrill ride commence.

[forsaken-headcanons]

headcanons for the dream game crossover guys because I like dream game. I have Only played dream game though so I don't know the rest of the lore

I think I've said before. rounds with Nash, Mafioso + Eunoia are not real. zzzzz they're all asleep

- For Nash, this is just another one of her dreams. zzzzzzz. except she doesn't have her items for some reason. Spectre didn't forsake her so it can't do too much about her presence, but it was able to limit what she can do in them. She can wake up during those rounds whenever she wants. survivors + killers don't remember the dream when they wake up (the people who they're skins of have some reactions but I'll get into that later)

- Mafioso is looking for Nash because she's one zillion studs in debt... this brings down the server debt no matter how many studs the survivors may have, so he's not opposed to collecting from them too

- Eunoia is there to make sure Mafioso doesn't do too much damage to people who aren't in debt. she charges for the items though. which might put them in debt. causing mafioso to be after them too

When the original guys are tired sometimes these happen!

- Sometimes Shedletsky instinctively reaches for a pie to throw. which then confuses him because he never had a pie and never will have a pie, and even if he did, why would he throw it as opposed to eating it

- Elliot sometimes forgets that he's made of flesh and gross human stuff, so he's more careless. He's cut himself multiple times because he forgot he's not made of metal. which he finds very strange because he was never made out of metal.

^ both of them start talking more eloquently too, like their counterparts. (*yawns* "I am quite tired,, what why did I say it like that") ("It would be ugly of me to (xyz). ?? SINCE WHEN HAVE I SPOKEN LIKE THAT")

- c00lkidd just kinda gets calmer. he's usually asleep before mafioso can affect him too much

obviously not in game but this happens mostly because the dream gang are replacing the roles of those guys when they're there. Nash and Shedletsky will never be in the same round together, same goes for Elliot and Eunoia. Mafioso and c00lkidd could never be in a round together anyway but the same idea

bonus: Mafioso didn't want to take the role of c00lkidd and would have rather been literally anyone else

bonus bonus: Mafioso is also a real life guy like Nash who sometimes shows up in the cabin / with the other killers to collect their debt. Eunoia and Nash will never show up in the cabin though. because Eunoia is not real and Nash is not there. Mafioso can be in multiple places at the same time because he's extra

- Prestige IV

The timing of this headcanon is quite unfortunate.

[divinit3a]

I have to ask about your Chimera au (I think that's how it's spelt). You've mentioned that Sun and Moon are from a sort of hive mind species and are only acting independently because they're too far from their hive, their connection is kinda gone. If Sun and Moon were to reconnect with their hive, however that would come about, would they no longer have their fondness for Y/N or would it partly transfer to the rest of the hive like mixing a drop of dye into water? What would happen to our dear Y/N in this hypothetical?

taps my papers together neatly & Aheems.... :3c

This got my brain churning on the hierarchy of their "society," so lets strap in and enjoy the wild, rambling ride below the cut :D

As a baseline, their species is symbiotic to create one whole. Similar to lichen/mycelium. But adding in the cosmic, eldritch horror aspects, each of them have a "core" that is the spawn point of their biomass.

The two parts to the whole are "lures," who act as a beacon to appeal to "minions/branches."

Lures are like a hivemother that direct others in the system. They act as an anchor for the colony. A colony/system usually has one lure, but if they grow large enough, they may connect together and form a map of Lures working together. (That is the peaceful option; systems may also reject/attack one another to consume)

Lures possess the psychic abilities of their kind. It allows them to act as a "trade route" through the entire system to allow information to be shared.

On the flip side, Minions/Branches can detach from their hives to seek out new resources and return with information theyve gathered. They can produce mass at a faster rate, and spread the colony out further (acting as "roots")

Moon is a lure. Sun is a minion/branch. That is why when combined together, they are able to act as one organism with two outward expressions. They need eachother to survive.

They are considered runty for their kind, as they are not only relatively juvenile in the grand scheme of things, they were burned and intentionally kept from growing in laboratory environments. The information they've gathered and "imprinted" on is very human, and, similar to being ill advised to interact with baby animals and get your scent on them, it is likely others of their kind would be hostile toward them. They are no longer the same biological makeup, they've diverged too far in their mimicry attempts to appeal to the YN.

ALL THIS TO SAY, In theory, if they found a compatible colony, Sun and Moon would be happy to root down and merge into the system. Their information gathered would be shared with the hive at large, and it would be up to the other Lures to disperse or reject their findings as true for the entire colony, or dissolve the information and assimilate.

The dissolve and assimilate route, Sun & Moon would be gone as identity. It would be almost impossible for the YN to spot where they were in the network again. The YN would be more likely to become biomass to feast on than anything special. If the system isn't aggressive, tho, it would likely just be entirely indifferent to the YN. Much like a houseplant with sass. 

The accept and implement route, congrats, a hivemind that could be the size of Earth itself is fascinated and infatuated with you. Their personalities would be prominent, but also duplicated across XYZ many cores and “minds.” It would be less “there's so many of them” and more, you can find them anywhere across the system and reach out to talk, and they will appear eagerly. 

A very strange and mingled sense of identity. 

Thank you for the question!! It was fun to ponder and got me to dig into their hypothetical biology <3

[bxffysxmmers]

so once again apparently i'm burnbook / tattler / whatever tea blog is running

tw suicide. tw swearing. tw harassment, abuse, etc. tw medical / familial loss.

i'm so fucking tired. yeah, that's about where i am with life right now, in and out of the rpc. i'm tired.

i have done everything i can to be as kind to everyone as i can be and to promote joy in the rpc as much as i can and to offer joy as much as i can and...

you (almost) all fucking shat on me for literally breathing. for years now. for actual fucking years now i have been harassed, constantly.

i have gotten death threats. i have gotten told to kill myself. i have gotten my tumblr hacked. i've had my friendships pitted against me, had my friends ripped apart because they were friends with me, got hit with ableism, homophobia, and a shit ton of other bullshit and i. am. fucking. tired.

i was saying goodbye to a loved one, intubated and sedated and told they would come off but never recover and surgery wasn't just impossible but that it would be but they weren't a candidate to the point eight different hospitals refused, so there was nothing more that they could do. left to sit in my car and just try to breathe for a while, to see a link on my phone to a burnbook post about god knows what at this point considering what bullshit you've said about me. that was when i asked to stop being posted about. i begged actually, for a break.

this month, longer than that actually, has been rough. some have seen it, i appreciate those who reached out, but i've been mostly gone from inner child despite having helped there actively for over a year now. i haven't really been in the rpc and when i have tried to be i kept very very tight to my corner. it's been so hard, and i have barely been available offline much less on.

i just. i know the posts were from a while ago that i just reblogged. i get that. but it bothers me so much. and it isn't the first time, and it probably won't be the last. so genuinely i am at a point of 'fuck it' with the bullshit.

"i have proof athena is xyz tea blog" no you don't because i'm not. you do? share them. fuck it, share them. begging you to do it. here's your call out nonnie, give them receipts. got real fucking quiet when someone else said it so here it is from me - share them. share that proof. bet you can't. bet you can't even fabricate a good fake, despite probably 10+ years of photoshopping avatars and signatures back in day. go ahead. let's see it.

"just ask why athena and her ex-animanga friends fell out, she's burnie!" okay. ask them. ask me. shit non-rpc related happened. there was a blip where we didn't talk. that isn't the case anymore. even with this seemingly apocalyptic fall out you wanna spin to be something it isn't, we remained in shared servers and practiced civility. we have been friends since 2019 and actually didn't meet as rp friends and only were on that singular site together, first site i had been on that was animanga since before i graduated high school. but sure, yeah, post your proof. let's not mind the fact that actual friendships are involved here and your stray fucking bullets are flying at innocent people behind me, notably those same animanga "ex" friends you're apparently so close to. which, btw, fuck you for.

at this point this shit is so tired. i don't know how to be polite about this anymore. i have tried, i genuinely don't know how anymore. so you know what -

if you want me to kill myself, you're just going to have to come do it yourself, you fucking coward. quite sincerely, eat shit. fuck you, the answer is no. you want me to kill myself so bad, better figure it out yourself. it ain't happening.

let me be very very clear - i am polite and kind because that is a choice i make, because of what i believe, which is that every single person we meet deserves respect until they have proven otherwise. i am kind because i know what it is like to have people be unkind. i am kind because i know that the shallow surface we see from people on the internet isn't the full iceberg of who they are and what they might be going through. i am kind because i will not be the cause of something like what has been wished upon me.

i am kind because of my best friend. my best friend killed himself. may 2, 2012. we were both seventeen years old. it is two weeks until the anniversary of his death today, and his death is two weeks before my birthday. i got on tumblr this morning because someone sent me the link to that tea blog's posts about me, the claims i'm burnbook from like march or whatever. know what was in my inbox the second i open tumblr? an anon ask about how i should just shoot myself already.

austin, my best friend, put a gun into his mouth and pulled the trigger. it has been thirteen years and i still think about him, nearly every day. at this point i have officially lived longer without him than with him, and in a few more years i'll officially have lived doubly as long as he did. i think about that a lot too. every time i celebrate something i say a little prayer, remind him i did it for him. i do it for both us, because he can't.

i'm not sad anymore about the messages. i was sad, because i truly wanted to spread kindness and make friends and have fun in this really niche little hobby we're all apart of. i have enjoyed sharing and helping and doing code things whenever i can, helping with rebuilding resources after the fall of the resource site era and assisting people with coding issues so we can all learn and grow together. i love writing, especially with the amazingly talented people in this hobby. i was sad, i really was. you won.

but i'm not anymore. it has been years, and all i am now is so fucking angry. the one thing, one, that i will never put onto another human being is the gaping fucking hole that losing my best friend that way put onto me. how fucking dare you throw that around like it's nothing, hiding on anon like the goddamn coward you are, as if any life holds no meaning? fuck you. my loved ones don't deserve that pain. my rp friends don't deserve the never knowing why i just disappeared one day. they certainly don't deserve the potential of finding out i followed through and living with that knowledge.

you know, i was walking into school the morning after he did it, technically morning of because it was after midnight, and i knew. it was like this sort of bile in the bottom of my stomach, swirling. something was wrong, like i was walking towards doom. i had texted him over and over, because we always hung out on wednesdays and he, living way further out of town than me and driving himself in every day, always woke up earlier than me. and he wasn't answering. he never didn't text me back, and things were weird the day before. i felt so fucking empty, before they ever even called me from class to the grief counselors who told us he was gone. mine went to the same church we did, and she cried because she got me a pepsi instead of a coke when she tried to make me feel better, because she knew it was wednesday too and we had been going to that same church every wednesday together forever. her daughter also went. it was horrible.

yeah. the reality is telling me to go kill myself made me sad for a while, but not ever for me. at least, not for the me i am now. i was sad for the versions of me i was the six times i've been institutionalized for failing to do just that, five before i was even eighteen. for the stomach i had to have pumped because i almost died from an overdose at sixteen and the fucking gross charcoal i had to drink. for the person who would have done it, because of that message. and most of all i was sad for the person i was when i lived through his death and learned what succeeding really fucking meant.

to this day i mourn on may 2nd. some may remember the absences, every year every site for that day. to this day i remember him and i love him and i'm sad that he hurt so much he had to do it. i know by now that i couldn't have done anything more, but i still wish that i could have. i still wish he was here.

fuck you. kill myself, right? how about you look in the fucking mirror and evaluate what the fuck you are actually doing with your life? with your anonymity and your inability to act like an actual adult at this point and, yk, handle finding someone moderately annoying or a little different than you without spiraling into some, at best, conspiracy theory red string bullshit and, at worst, an actual fucking abuser. or, spending your entire existence just pouring your life, karma, and conscience down the fucking toilet to tell someone to, you guessed it, kill themselves. how about you do that?

or, better yet, how about you actually seek some fucking help and finally fuck off?

the thing is, i think i would have just prayed for you, that whatever was hurting you was healed so you didn't have to feel you had to do this anymore. i think i would have just reminded myself that i'm grateful someone like me is the target, someone strong enough not to listen and follow through. i think i would have chosen kindness. i think i would have chosen to do exactly what i've done every other time.

but if you want me to put a gun into my mouth and pull the trigger? if you want me to follow in his footsteps and place every pain i am feeling, both directly from your cruel behavior and from my actual fucking life - which we all have btw - onto my loved one's, so that they can carry it without me for the rest of their lives? the answer is fuck you, make me.

there's this slam poem, btw, if you got this far and you aren't the incredibly small, incredibly hollow person (or people maybe) who have been doing this to me, that i think about a lot. someone shared it with me after austin, i want to say on one of the first anniversaries when i was truly inconsolable. it's called bug versus door, by doc luben.

"i am ashamed to admit it, but i have always secretly believed that you did this for me. that you wanted to show me that there is a way out, not so that i would follow you but so i would understand that everyday i am alive is a day i choose to be alive."

there isn't a day i will allow myself to choose not to be. i remember he touched the scars, the deepest and ugliest going fully down my wrists, and he kissed them. you'd think it romantic but his friendship was just like that. he was soft, worried, but he had the strongest backbone of anyone i've ever met. i wish i was more like him, and i've tried to be every day since i lost him - soft, kind, but letting the fires that forged me make me steel when it mattered.

he asked me to never do that again, that i meant too much to his world. not the world, his world. i think about that sometime, how poetic it is - to each have our own world, and how important each person can be in it; that sometimes the world really is just one person in a shitty foster home bedroom the size of a closet kissing your scars when you're just supposed to be grabbing your backpack before youth group. see, i made the mistake of taking off my jacket. it was spring in florida. silly me. but yeah, he saw them. i think about it a lot, especially lately, especially when i get these messages.

i don't know who your austin is, but we all have one. and if you don't, you can share mine. or maybe i can be them, without that pain. please don't do that, no matter what someone tells you. you mean too much to my world. we'll get through this era of cyberbullies and mass destruction, and those responsible will get theirs for it as we all do. karma isn't so kind as to forget, and the stains on one's soul aren't so easy to wash clean.

let's all stay alive together, shall we? they aren't worth our time, and they're certainly not worth our blood.

[jadeazora]

Some snippets of a longer meeting I found fascinating. (I don't know if Yuyama has social media, but I hope he doesn't because because OOF. Like, it's okay that he has his own vision for the character and and everything, but said vision of that eternal adventurer was why I dropped the series as a kid. I just had burnout. 😅)

So, a bit of context from my personal experience with the old Ash anime, and sorry if it is a little rambly. I had originally started watching from early OS (the first episode I ever saw was when I was 6, and it was the one where Ash catches Bulbasaur), and stopped following it in mid-Hoenn (when I was maybe 11 or 12), which was when I caught onto the loop they had Ash in, that he'd never really reach a conclusion to his journey and it was really just meant to be an eternal adventure rather than something to make real progress in. (I would watch episodes if there were characters I liked, or if it just happened to be on, but I couldn't get invested in Ash anymore. I would watch for pretty much everybody else.) To me, it felt like you were just supposed to watch until you matured and were expected to leave, so that's pretty much what I did.

I tried coming back in Unova after playing BW, because I really loved the games and was excited to see Team Plasma in the anime, and it had a very promising start with the quicker pacing, but then came the earthquake and the cancelled two-parter, so I pretty much dropped the series again because there was no Plasma in sight until roughly two years later. I watched the league, but Cameron and the way Plasma (sans N) was handled pissed me off enough that I dropped the series entirely until TSME reeled me back in with Lysandre, and I joined Tumblr close to the time XYZ came out, so I just started watching the anime as a weekly thing from the Flare Arc on because it seemed like a fun thing to do for this blog. (I was also getting caught up on what I missed around this time.)

But even despite coming back and doing that, I still wasn't particularly invested in Ash, tho I was happy when he made big strides in his journey, like when he won the Alola League. I was here for the Aether family in SM, and all the returning characters in Journeys. When it came time that they were announcing their plans to retire Ash my literal reaction was YELLING, "We're finally FREE???"

It's pretty much one of the biggest reasons I gravitated to Horizons, besides being interested in the new cast. It seems to have a clear ending in mind with the way the plot is headed. Like, because the main mysteries are centered around Terapagos and the Explorers/Lucius, I really don't think we'll continue following them after everything's resolved. It might be risky changing casts, but that variety makes things way more interesting. (It's just more fun that way, having more characters to talk about, discussing favorites and least favorites with people.)

[twopoppies]

Gina I don’t want to bother you but I don’t know who to ask. I was reading larry post on X and there is an ex larrie who is on line every single day trying to convince larries that larry was never real. Her bio says “debunking larry proof since 2010” 😒 anyway, today she posted a thread that said how the euphoria guy (?) jeremy o harri said that he had something going on with harry. He hinted that something happened between them. He said so at least twice.

Some larries in the comments said that’s how the larry scene in euphoria was created. And they believe her. I wasn’t in the fandom in 2019/20. Could you or your followers please help me understand if this is true? It would be great. Please

I am procrastinating, so I’m going to answer this.

Jeremy O. Harris did nothing of the sort. He said once that he thought he could seduce Harry 🙄 I don’t know what other thing that person is claiming he said, but if there’s any proof of it, I’m sure it was the same wishful thinking or it was a joke.

I just can’t stand how people believe Harry hooks with literally anyone who mentions his name, stands near him, breathes in his vicinity.

JEREMY O. HARRIS

Jeremy O. Harris was a co-producer and “consultant” (whatever that means) for Euphoria. I don’t know how he and Harry met/know each other, but my guess is that he reached out and told him about the scene they wanted to do.

Louis said on Twitter that no one asked him and he was not pleased (but honestly, what was he going to say?). Personally, I don’t think either cared because it was a big fuck you to their closet.

But the way the show infiltrated the fandom by having some adult create a tumblr where they pretended to be a teenage fan and interacted with people was incredibly creepy.

And harries/louies/larries were upset about it (and of course larries once again got harassed because of it).

But thinking that scene was created because Harry and Jeremy hooked up, is just a stupid theory. Gay men can know each other and not be fucking each other. 🙄🙄🙄

EUPHORIA

As a side note, I don’t know who the ex-larrie is you’re referring to (although I can guess), but I’d be really careful believing anything they have to say. Absolutely there are things larries have misinterpreted or theories that have been debunked, but anyone who was here pre-pandemic (and especially pre 2016) knows how hard larries tried to keep things accurate.

People on Twitter who spend their days trying to prove Larry is a figment of our imagination are wasting their energy. They’re so angry because they swallowed everything whole hog and then found out XYZ things weren’t true, and now have decided nothing is true. Yet they spend all their time thinking about and talking about something that “isn’t true.” 🙄

I think it’s smart to question everyone (including me). But at the end of the day, if the worst thing you believe is that two boys fell in love… I think you’re ahead of the game.

[study-diaries]

How to do group projects? (If you're selected as the leader of the group)

I hate group projects, it's not necessarily the project rather, the people are not cooperative enough so here's some tips I use when I was chosen to do a PPT and a damn play with 13 members.

(Pictures aren't mine!)

Take phone numbers

Even though my teacher discouraged the idea of it, I still took the numbers of all the members and saved it on the same day the project was given even though the deadline was a month later. You should make sure that you have the necessary means of communication to every member.

Plan and outline within 3 days!

Make an outline of what needs to be done, plan out who's going to do what, how they'll do it, when will they complete it etc etc. The reason i do it within 3 days is because you'll get the base of how you'll do it because generally in group projects, by the time everyone completes the work and gives it to you, it would take atleast a week or two, if you start early, you'll complete earlier than everyone else

No group chats!

I personally don't prefer this because one i realised everyone just didn't reply expecting others to reply, especially when your group is big! So... Dms!! Just send the instructions personally, yes, it takes alot of time but it makes up for the energy wasted in group chats that involve unnecessary talks and questions.

Both face to face and text reminders!

When you've assigned work to every member, make sure they actually do it because you'll be the one responsible. Not gonna lie but reminders help especially when the deadlines are closer. Just a message like "Hey, friendly reminder about the XYZ project."

Save your own name!

This is something I'm really careful about. The accusation that you're being biased and assigning easier work to friends and people I'm close with. So, i figured that the best way to avoid it is to write all the work and the names of members in alphabetical order and assign accordingly. If the member can't do it, then I'll discuss and swap. It saves a hell lot of drama and actually results to better outcomes.

Back up

Make sure that there's always a second in command. This was a mistake I did, on the day of the 2nd project (the play), I was in one of the competitions and our teacher had started with our group first... I didn't exactly tell anyone that everything about the characters assigned to members and the narrations were in my bag so they had to scramble alittle but in the end, our group did the best play despite the situation so that's what you're aiming at. Your group needs to manage without you.

Flexibility

Do not, under any circumstances, expect everything to go well! You need to expect hindrances, like gurl, come on. A mistake I made in the PPT project, i made the PPT and told 4-5 people to explain it because that's how it was supposed to be done but in the end, ALL THE 4-5 PEOPLE HAD TO BE IN SPORTS PRACTICE so we ended up changing plans last minute. But nevertheless, we got an A-. Tell everyone to prepare accordingly.

Be a little lenient

Personally, when the teacher asked me to give the list of work everyone had done, i did'nt just write nothing for the members who didn't, i have even the smallest contribution because in the end, even one person's scores matters. It affects the whole damn group so be careful when you take out anger and frustration on the members when giving the list of contributions or even while doing the project. The last thing you need is drama.

Contact!

Make sure your members are comfortable enough to clear any questions or misunderstandings with you. If you don't know what's going in the group, you can't maintain the group. Be very clear that they can reach you any time.

Demo!!!

This is really important! Decide on a day and keep a demonstration of how your project is going to be presented. Do exactly as how you're going to do it infront of the teacher. Exchange some points on how to do better during the demo and discuss! It helps you to correct your mistakes.

Hope this helps! :)

[csuitebitches]

How do you ACTUALLY network? Like the idea of a coffee chat always baffled me. Like a stranger would agree to get coffee with me for me to essentially interview and then what? I guess my bigger question is how do I provide value to them besides buying them coffee? And the whole concept just feels cringe and transactional

I’ll give you two recent examples, one of work and one of a social event.

A friend invited me to a party. I don’t know said friend very well, but we’re on good terms. I said yes cause why not.

I met a girl there who happened to do some very interesting things and had similar interests to me. How did I find that out? I asked her about herself, I found out where she was previously residing, I learned what she did for a living, and I began associating it to the things that I do. She’s from the same city that I want to move to, she now lives 20 minutes from me, and she’s interested in spirituality. My work happened to organise a similar event a week later, which I immediately invited her for. I asked her for her number so that I could send her the invite.

What she immediately liked about me and expressed, was that I don’t use social media, when we agreed to exchange contact info. I explained to her that I’d have to connect her on iMessage/ WhatsApp and not instagram. That allows us to stay in touch much better than on social media.

I left the party earlier than everyone but I looked for her and told her that we should catch up next weekend or whenever she was free. She agreed.

So this is what you learn from example 1:

1. Learn to associate.

When someone tells you that they work in XYZ company, in B city, start by connecting things in your head. Who else do you know works in the same field, could they know each other? What do you know about the work that they do, and if you don’t know much, can you find out more? Most people, including myself, love to talk about what we do at work and what our job entails. Has their work allowed them to travel a lot? If yes, where?

In order to associate, you need to read a lot and learn a lot. You have to understand what’s happening in the world, what the latest news is, because how the hell are you going to continue that conversation?

2. You have to snowball the conversation. The goal is to try and understand WHO this person is. If someone asks you, have you met CSB and you have, you should be able to say yes, this is what she’s interested in, this is what she works in - you should be able to pitch CSB to another person.

Not every single conversation has to be valuable. You also have to decide whether the person in front of you is worth your time.

3. Exchange numbers, not social media. Nothing is going to come out of exchanging instagram or LinkedIn.

4. When you’re leaving the event, look for the person you met and tell them that you’re leaving and that you guys should catch up sometime. If you haven’t exchanged contact info yet, that’s the best way to do it. “Oh let’s catch up again soon! Can I have your number? We can grab a coffee or drink whenever.”

—-

Example 2. I’d gone to a conference a few months ago. I met a young guy, around my age, who works in an accelerator. I’m very interested in the start up world, and he’s working in one of the best ones in the world, at a decent position. He immediately began telling me about recent funding that they did, what sort of start ups they’re looking for, etc. I asked him for more information, which he was super happy to talk to me about.

We’re on very good terms but we live in different cities. I often send him reports because I work in media, and he sends me PDFs and pitch decks. Whenever we’re in each other’s town, we message each other. Otherwise, I make it a point to reach out to him once a month, just casually, to find out what’s happening.

Takeaways from example 2:

5. Scratch each other’s backs. You can’t just get value from the other person, provide them with the same. It doesn’t have to be work related. Let’s say the person you’ve connected with is interested in indie music and you learn that an indie band is playing somewhere - send them a link to the event and tell them that you remembered that they like this genre, and you just wanted to share the info.

6. What’s important to learn is maintaining relationships. I reach out to all my mentors, all my latest connections once a month. That doesn’t mean that I’m necessarily going to meet them face to face, but I just check in and ask how things are going.

So.

Approach. Associate. Snowball. Exchange info. Maintain.

[thehelpolhelpline]

I’m pretty new to paganism and religion as a whole. I was not raised religious in any way nor was I really taught about any religion, so I really have a lot I need to learn. Starting from scratch if you will.

(If it’s helpful information at all I worship Dionysus and Apollo)

I get very worried about how prayer works and if I’m reaching the gods. Are there specific incantations I must say? Can I simply think of them and that’s enough to send my prayer? Must I say their name? Must I always give an offering? Must I always light a candle?

Essentially I have many many questions and don’t know exactly where or how to find my answers

I also worry about honouring and respecting my gods. Should I always refer to them formally? As if talking to someone far above me socially? Or is it ok to just talk to them as I would any other human? I often get too anxious to pray at all in fear that I might be doing something wrong and only making our connection worse

Also, so sorry about how long this is, but I don’t quite understand how to build a connection with them? Especially because I can’t exactly just have a conversation with them. With humans you build a connection and relationship typically by asking questions to get to know them or by spending more and more time with them but it’s not like I can just interview the gods or… hang out with them so to speak.

Apologies for how long this whole thing was, no pressure to like… answer all of it or anything. I just am… confused I guess and don’t know exactly where to go about all of this

I'll try and answer each question in its own section, hopefully it helps! HelPol is a religion that not many people talk or really know about, so it's completely understandable to have a lot of questions. In fact, a lot of your questions are ones that I had when I started

Prayer in HelPol

There are Homeric (longer and incorporate more mythos) and Orphic (shorter and easier to memorise) prayers for the Gods, but you can also write your own - which is what I did. If you write your own, it doesn't need to be a long one, nor do you need to be poetic and formal if that's not your style. A simple "Dionysos, I honour you, thanks for [xyz]" is just as good!

And prayers don't have to be spoken outloud either, so it's perfectly alright to speak them in your head. As long as you talk to them with respect, that's what matters

Building A Connection

Building a connection with the Gods takes time, like any connection does, but it's quite simple to do! Prayer, giving offerings (when you're able to), and partaking in devotional activities. These devotional activities don't have to be huge, I have a devotional playlist that I listen to while going on walks. I'm also super into theatre, so I read a lot of playscripts and watch clips of shows whenever I can

Hopefully this has been of some use, and if anyone else has advice then leave a comment! I wish you good luck on your HelPol journey

[oliviaswrldd]

𝐓𝐨𝐱𝐢𝐜 𝐋𝐚𝐰 - 𝐋𝐚𝐰 𝐨𝐟 𝐀𝐭𝐭𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 ✰

Hi guys, in this post i want to talk about Law of Attraction and compare a little bit to Law of Assumption.

I want to point out that there's a lot of irony and yes, maybe i'm making fun of law of attraction. But sorry it's ridiculous.

I worked hard on this post and i tried my best to explain how law of attraction is simply limited so reblogs will be appreciated to reach with this post to more people!

I'm so glad that first i discovered Law of Assumptiom because when i dived with curiosity into law of attraction it left me so, so confused.

𝐅𝐄𝐄𝐋𝐈𝐍𝐆 ✰

So one of the "rules" in law of attraction is that you attract what you feel.

If you feel bad, unhappy - this is what you attract to your life. Your feelings are main determinant what surrounds you and creates your life and circumstances. - that's what law of attraction is basically saying.

And don't get me wrong here. In law of assumptiom we are talking about feeling either but it's totally different meaning.

We are saying about feeling it as a person who have their desire, who KNOWS that have it despite what they see in 3D.

Feeling = Knowing

But in law of attraction they are talking about feeling as emotion.

Feeling = Emotion

You need to feel happy to attract all the good things.

While in law of assumption you can feel unhappy, sad, cry whole day in bed, but still manifest whatever you want just by knowing that you have it. Periodt.

𝐂𝐎𝐌𝐌𝐔𝐍𝐈𝐓𝐘 ✰

This is funny, because law of attraction community is so sooo limited. I was in couple groups on amino and facebook and they all said the same things. For example:

You can manifest money but you need to take an action. Go to work.

Wow, i didn't know this is how manifestation works. Go to work and you'll manifest money. 😂

Of course in law of attraction you can manifest ONLY certain things. When you'd say that you want to manifest different eye color, they would say how this is impossible and you just CAN'T do that. 🧍

People there would tell you how you can attract good things into your life but you need to be in good mental state, always have high vibrations and think positively, otherwise you'll attract all the bad situations in your life. Interesting...

𝐒𝐔𝐁𝐋𝐈𝐌𝐈𝐍𝐀𝐋𝐒 ✰

Other common thing in law of attraction are SUBLIMINALS. Well, in law of assumptiom we also use subliminals and i still feel like situation with subliminals are very similiar in both - because people relying so much on these... (i made post about subliminals related so ya can check)

But let's talk how subliminals are used in law of attraction. People have to listen to subliminals to raise their vibrations (not only for this but mostly!) Because if you are not surrounded by good vibrations you CAN'T manifest! 🤪

Listen to this subliminal 6738289 hours everyday for 99 years and you'll see the results!

This is the most common thing i see in law of attraction. You need to do xxx in order to manifest xxx. If you won't listen to this, your (certain) wishes won't come into fruition. :(( ah, i'm sad.

While in law of assumption we are listening to subliminals to just remind that we have our desire. Not to get. I will listen to this subliminal and then i will manifest xyz. How you can get something when you already have it? You want it. You got it. Easy as it sounds.

Unfortunately in law of assumption community, still many people paying other bloggers tons of money for subliminals (i won't mention one *cough*) to enter the void state, to have better self-concept (it's not even needed to manifest lol), to manifest xyz, to shift... Bro, you don't have to do that. I don't even want to imagine how does it look like in law of attraction community...

𝐀𝐅𝐅𝐈𝐑𝐌𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍𝐒 ✰

Just like with the subliminals, situation with affirmations is almost identical.

You need to affirm 588738 times, robotically.

Of course in law of assumption we also use affirmations but depending on what our ASSUMPTIONS are. If someone like to affirm, then they are doing it. If they rather listen to subliminals they're doing it. It depends what each of us rather, what is more comfortable for us.

But in law of attraction... Well

Repeat that affirmation for whole week and watch how your life changes!

I'm sure at least one of you, guys heard that sentence. 🧍

You need to do something in order to get. You affirm to get something. Certain amount of time.

You rely on this affirmation and repeat it as you'll forget your identity.

Why i called law of attraction toxic.

Because it is. You are giving away your power to external things. You are doing certain things to get. You need to always think positively and have abundance mindset. You can manifest only certain things. Where is the point here? Not without reason, this law is called law of attraction. But it's totally useless and highly limited law which won't get you anywhere.

I am aware that some people won't agree with me, but that's okay. Or maybe there is a someone who is into law of attraction but after reading my post will finally wake up? I hope.

____________________________________________

Sorry for any grammar mistakes. Eng is not my native language but i tried my best to write this the most clear i can. :)

Have a nice day/night 🖤

[stormblessed95]

Can we now please skip over the "when you were free, you never called" thing, please?? That's already been discussed enough. Let's now please discuss JK's tone when he said "Finally". He sounded relieved... a bit melancholy... a bit of something something. This isn't talked enough :(

I genuinely want to know how some of you guys decide to send in asks and to whom. I know so many of you probably mass send them out in an effort to, idk, reach as many people as possible? Higher chances of getting posted?

Anon, this also isn't just you, you just drew the unlucky straw for my rant. Sorry. Your ask is also "almost" but not quite a copy/paste of the post I made not even a full day ago.

I specifically requested everyone to stop sending me asks about the car conversation because when I was no longer sick and my brain worked more coherently, I would put together a longer form post addressing it for everyone. And yet since then, I've gotten like 18 different asks referencing the car conversation. Half of them saying "yeah, can't we just let it go because XYZ opinions"

Okay great. I'm glad you agree with me I guess but you still aren't listening and honoring my request. So low-key, it still feels really rude. So now I have to sit here and hope that maybe my followers aren't actually rude and forget I am a whole person behind this account where making demands for content isn't super nice, especially when said content was already said to be coming, just later on. But instead they just.... Idk, don't actually read my posts and just send in asks without reading anything because why bother? Idk. Feeling entitled to my time without giving me yours through reading my opinions about a subject first feels less rude in some ways than just not giving a shit about what I say. Lol 🙃

And I KNOW I make a ton of posts, especially lately with AYS and trying to keep up with at least most of the asks I get, I've been much more active on here than I have been otherwise in the past year. So I often try to give the benefit of the doubt. But honestly.

Idk, maybe I'm just extra cranky because I feel like absolute dog shit, I'm sick, trying to take care of my family, get ready for back to school, get ready to start working, and take care of myself too... But it feels a little disrespectful and it doesn't make me want to actually make more posts or answer asks.

And all of this is a general you, not directed at anyone in particular. I'm just.... Venting. This is why I kept turning my anons off occasionally in the past...

Thanks

[marimayscarlett]

This is a FREE pass to deep dive into ANY of your favorite thing(s) about Mr. Zee Kay!!! I wanna hear EVERYTHING about your favorite thing, I love seeing your deep dives and essays on the most important subject to exist ❤️

❗ CAUTION. LONG-ISH POST AHEAD. ❗

Hi! First of all:

Kissies for you for sending me this ask, thank you so much! This has been sitting in my inbox for a while now since it took me ages to decide what this post should be about. I didn't want to make yet another fashion/stage outfit/etc post, so I decided to do something different with it.

I decided this will be a long ass post about Richard's outspokenness and honesty in interviews and some of my favourite quotes/topics he spoke about in the past. This man has A LOT to say and sometimes is brutally honest with his answers. You ask him how he's doing or what he thinks about XYZ? Prepare for a lengthy and detailed reply. You ask him something silly or boring? Be prepared he quite actually reacts quite directly on it.

This list will be sorted by three topics: 1. Quotes regarding work with Rammstein, Emigrate and in general, 2. Quotes about his personal life and finally, 3. Unhinged shit Richard says since this man sometimes has no filter.

All interviews will be linked, german quotes are translated into english. Prepare yourself, this will be long and self-indulgend and I'm probably the only person who's really interested in this stuff but i don't CARE, I love reading about and listening to this man and I'll use this post to my liking thanks to this lovely, lovely anon 💞 Let's get started 👀🤍

Richard on working with Rammstein and Emigrate and music in general

In this interview, Richard talks about being put into the right wing corner by the german media and how hard it is for him and the band: "You want to shout it out loud and convince people otherwise, only to find that nobody listens because nobody wants to know. They want you in this corner. That was very disillusioning."

Here he gives an example for his immeasurable perfectionism and how he tries to protect himself from it: "I spent a lot of time recording guitars over and over again. I ended up giving my guitar engineer the key to the locker where my guitar cabinets are and told him “Do not give me this key back”,  otherwise I would have still been in there recording guitars right now.

In the same interview, he also gives an example how the whole Mutter problem came into play: "So if I’d come up with 45 ideas, then others in the band may feel they’d have to come up with 45 ideas as well. There was lot of pressure going on within Rammstein because of that."

Here Richard talks about how he, back in the GDR days, wandered from peer group to peer group to find his style: "I've always been bored of sticking with just one group of people. The metalheads got drunk too often. So I moved on - and I found that refreshing - to the punks …" Interviewer: … who didn't drink any less. "No, exactly. And they were also dirtier (laughs). Then I was with the bluesmen, and they always went to these blues fairs. And because they also drank a lot, they could sleep well, whereas I, who didn't drink, always woke up at three in the morning because I was so cold - we only had these thin cotton sleeping bags."

Richard on the amount of hours which go in one song of his [interview]: "At some point, I calculated that it takes me about 1000 hours on average for a song to reach the listener. But I don't want to think too much about the time involved. That would just be frustrating."

On his relationship with Flake and that he would be the one member of the band Richard would play an Emigrate album as a test run to [interview]: "Although someone like Flake would probably be very open to that. We have a lot of respect for each other and are in a lively exchange. For example, I regularly listen to his radio show - and call him afterwards to ask him what weird stuff he's been saying. (laughs)"

2. Richard on his personal life

In my alltime favourite podcast with Richard, he admist to seemingly being a quite difficult person to live with (apparently, only his daughter is able to and is relaxed enough to bring him inner peace). He hates talking in the morning, needs time for himself with no talking and reflect on things and sometimes is afraid/annoyed that he has to explain himself to others (since other people tend to take offense because of this). This is one of the reasons why he definitely can't imagine living together with a girlfriend again.

Here he talks about the evolution of friendship with Till: Intervier: How has your friendship changed over more than 30 years? Richard: "Well, as it goes in life: Unfortunately, there's never a happy ending. You should only meet friends once or twice a month. It's unnatural for men to be extremely close for decades. At some point you want to be left alone." Interviewer: You two are more like colleagues these days? Richard: "Sounds stupid, but that's kind of how it is. But I still have a basic trust: If anything happens, I know I can call Till and he'll be there, just like the others."

Here Richard admits to his immense moodiness at times: "I am a very moody person, my mood sometimes changes by the hour."

Why he likes western movies so much [interview]: "It might sound strange, but I have really early childhood memories of my father watching these cowboy movies and falling asleep… that ended up being part of my upbringing somehow."

And his fond memory of the wild times with Till after the wall came down [interview]: "Because at that time, in every house there was a techno or rave party, and we would go there, and 7 in the morning, he would bring his daughter to school, and then come back and we would stay there into the daytime, and dance to these electric beats — I mean, can you imagine us dancing like that?"

How he answers to a fan question in which movie/show he'd like to be a part of (musically or in general) [article]: "I would have loved to have been in Game of Thrones. I really love fantasy worlds, you know? Also Westworld."

3. Welcome to the unhinged RZK corner aka "Shit RZK says":

In this interview, he describes his relationship with music like this: "I believe the music itself must be the king, but I want to be the queen." Alrighty then 👀

Just overall this conversation with him thinking about filming himself having sex [interview]:

The Gauntlet: Do you always have that funny smile during sex? [regarding the Pussy MV]

Richard: "I actually never watched myself but you have a point. I really should watch myself or videotape it. I never really...I can do it. I did that a long time ago but every girl is different. Do I really smile? Sometimes I guess, I will have to check that out. You really have me thinking on that one."

This man seemingly tried every therapy under the sun, which is good, but this one left me a bit speechless [interview]: "I always had the feeling that I was a king without a nation. That was always in my head and I once did reincarnation therapy and experienced this life. It was really interesting and this song came out of that [song: Born on my own].

Here he admits to throwing a guitar at Lemmy Kilmister: "It was the third time a roadie had given me an out-of-tune guitar. So I threw it at him. Unfortunately, Lemmy was standing there watching the show from the side of the stage. But I didn't know that, I just saw Lemmy disappear. That was very embarrassing for me."

Or he throws his credits cards at sales women (how about some anger management my guy): "The last time I was there [New York], I wanted to pay for a coffee in a café with a hundred dollar bill. But not because I wanted to be a big shot, but because I just had this one bill in my pocket. The sales woman hissed at me and threw the bill back over the counter. I just thought: She's out of her mind. I then threw my credit card at her. I was really angry."

If you made it to the end of this post, I really applaud you and apologize for my rambling yet again 🙏 I could go on and on (I didn't even started with quoting the video interviews), but I think since I'm the only one who's into this, I stop right here 😅 Have some smiley Richard as a reward 🍀

[still--kicking]

Hey space-dad-like figure (youve definetly gotten advice asks before ive read them but sorry if this is weird. I dont know of anyone else that isnt my age or 50)

Im starting college in 2 weeks

Im so excited but so scared too

Maybe tmi but i tied to kill myself a couple months ago cause I didnt think I could handle this but im better ish now

I guess my problem now is I dont know what to expect. So many people have told me so many things but none of it helps the like "how am I going to feel or react to xyz" and I really dont wanna go off the deep end.

Anyway u got any like, words of wisdom?

hey anon! it's super normal to be both excited and scared for college, it's a big change that takes some adjusting to!! but college is such a customizable experience that it can be some of the best times of your life if you make it that way. you really get out of it what you put into it

that being said, here is my hastily-made Space Dad College Survival Guide:

my biggest piece of advice is to familiarize yourself with your campus resources, and fucking use them!

this includes:

the dining halls

the campus bookstore

your school's counseling center

campus safety resources

transportation options to and from / around campus

is there an on campus clinic?

contraceptive / sexual health resources (are there places you can get free condoms? does your campus have free plan b or sti testing? because i would guess they do)

the scholarship/financial aid office

tutoring centers!!! my guess is your school has more than one. my undergrad had a writing center and a math lab, among other options, and my grad school also had a specialized tutoring center for students with learning disabilities

speaking of which, find out about your campus disability resources and accommodations! if you have a diagnosis that qualifies you for any accommodations, talk to the disability office even if you don't plan to use them. it's good to know what your accommodation options are (more than just extended time on tests, sometimes you can have note takers in your classes or can be given specific tools and accessibility devices) and it's better to have the options in place and not use them than to realize you need them and have to jump through hoops during midterm week to get them.

your library!! get to know your school librarians and what the library has to offer

career center - this is likely available to all alumni forever. if you have a midlife crisis and want to change careers, or if you get laid off and need help working your resume and applying for new jobs, reach out to them!!! they are available to you until you die or your university closes

you're not being annoying by using these resources, these people's entire job is to help you or connect you with the person who can. college is like dipping your toe into adulthood, but you're very much an adult in training. don't be afraid to ask for help!! people who work at universities love to help i promise you they're so excited to help you succeed

be proactive! if you notice you're starting to struggle in a class, talk to the professor. they will have office hours where you can go to them for help, and will have other resources that might be helpful for you

being proactive also applies to your mental health. especially given your recent attempt, i would highly recommend visiting your campus counseling center in your first week and asking to make an appointment. it is much easier to go through the process of starting therapy before you have a crisis than when you're in the midst of one. trust me, I've done both.

fucking go to class. unless you are sick just fucking go to class i promise your professor doesn't care if you're hungover or if you've showered or if you're in pajamas it does not matter, just get your ass to class. the temptation to skip sometimes will be strong, but that's the devil talking. go. to. class. it makes your life a fuck ton easier if you do

speaking of classes, try to make a friend in every class. they don't have to be forever friends (but they might be!!) but having someone you can study with, get notes from when you do miss class, or text about homework questions is a game changer

for lots of reasons, the social element of college is important. yes prioritize your classes and do your homework but building community and a support network at school is so so so important. do your best to prioritize both your education and your social life!

join clubs. you can always quit them later, but its a good way to meet people

say yes to everything you're invited to early on, unless you have a safety concern or you're sick or something similar. push yourself to try new things!

speaking of safety, buddy system at parties!!! if you're the designated driver, never fucking leave your friend behind unless they explicitly tell you they want to spend the night or have another ride home (and confirm it with their new ride before you leave). look out for your friends the way you'd want them to look out for you.

this is very united states specific but find out if your state has laws in place to protect people who call 911 during drug overdoses, many states do. what that means is if your underage friend has alcohol poisoning and you call 911, no one will be penalized for underage drinking (these laws apply to illegal substances too!)

have things like stickers on your water bottle or pins on your backpack that are conversation starters. something about your favorite tv shows / movies / books or where you're from or a hobby you enjoy. this way, when someone thinks you're cool but doesn't know how to start a conversation, you've given them a place to start. (and you can do this too!! if you have a classmate who seems cool and you notice they have a marvel sticker or something, you can start a conversation by saying hey i like your marvel sticker, do you have a favorite character?)

if you need to work during school, look into jobs on campus. it will be easier scheduling wise and time management wise, and it helps you be even more connected to your campus community

it's normal to change your major a few times, and most people change their careers 7 times in their lifetime!! your decisions about your major are not nearly as permanent as you're afraid they are

take classes you find interesting, even if they're not directly related to your major (you might discover something you enjoy even more!). you'll likely need some gen ed credits anyway (like history, english, math, etc.) so take the mythology class or the hyperspecific english class or whatever is calling to you. i ended up getting two minors by accident this way lmao highly recommend fucking around and finding out

get to know your professors!!! they are a huge resource for you for so many reasons. in addition to having office hours and being the people who grade your tests, they can also be helpful beyond just the classes you have with them. one of my intro class professors freshman year noticed i was really interested and engaged in class and asked if i ever considered that major. when i told him i was planning on that major because of the job i ultimately wanted, he offered to sit down with me and explain what i would need to do to get into that field. he was the first person who told me I would need a master's degree, and gave me advice on how to get into grad school. having that information freshman year was super helpful for a lot of the decisions i made throughout college, and because of his advice i got into every grad school i applied to except one

and lastly, study abroad if you can!!! this is one of the only times in your life where you'll be able to fuck off to another country for a month or more with a lot of support and almost no responsibility. take out student loans to do it if you have to i promise it will be worth it. i studied abroad in Italy for a summer and planned on taking a history class that would count for a gen ed credit, but then i learned that the school offered a class on pairing food and wine. i was nervous about switching into something that wasn't "useful" but i am being so serious right now when i say that is the most practically useful class i ever took

ANYWAY that was so long winded but tldr find out what resources are available to you and use the shit out of them, be proactive when you're struggling, your social life is lowkey just as important as your schoolwork, and don't feel embarrassed or ashamed to ask for help. everyone in college is struggling to figure things out, it's okay if things feel confusing and challenging at times. that doesn't mean it's impossible, it just means you have room to grow, and that's what you're at college to do!!

you got this anon!! best of luck to you <3

sincerely,

space dad