#I cannot stop being weird on the internet

[cannedbananabread]

LIFE UPDATE: I have sunk deeper into my delusions!

[magictavern]

going to pound my head against a desk repeatedly

[rawliverandgoronspice]

.

not sure it's my post to make particularly, but I do fucking hate how the concept of white guilt gets weaponized within white people ingroups to throw at each other in order to goad each other into emotional passivity, detachement and inaction, it's just so extremely not what the concept is about initially and is actually still an extension of white guilt it turns out!!! as it's still reacting to that idea and concerned by trying to sever oneself from its perceived effects, regardless of what those are and what they do and what bigger picture they exist in!!!! anyway.

[genderqueerdykes]

being poor is so mind numbingly boring. you can't afford hobbies, leisure activities, games, books, music, transportation for going to places, some people can't afford internet or a phone. entertainment is seen as a complete and total luxury, but what people don't realize is that people need to be entertained.

there is nothing left to do for fun that's completely free. parks are tiny and meant for dogs, mostly, they're unsanitary as hell because there's mostly just dog waste everywhere. getting to the park costs money. kids and adults alike cannot just go "play outside". adults aren't even allowed to "play," we gawk at adults who stop to play with bugs or look at small animals. adults aren't allowed to play pretend it's seen as weird. kids don't have anywhere to go- they're considered "loitering" or an annoyance if they hang around anywhere for too long. not everyone can go to bars.

it is necessary for our mental health to have things to keep ourselves entertained with. people often get caught up on a poor person having one nice thing for themselves, but after a while, that 1 nice thing gets boring, too. people need variety. we need stimulation. we need input. we need to experience the world, too

i was told by my own therapist and case worker that people need entertainment and happiness to survive. humans are not wired to suffer 24/7, no one has to earn entertainment. if you think i'm pulling things out of my ass, i'm not. multiple mental health professionals in my own life have confirmed that people need to have fun or their health will suffer. mental health is connected to physical health. you know nothing if you think this is factually inaccurate.

poor people shouldn't be relegated to boredom and never experiencing life and what the world has to afford. the entirety of entertainment should not be paywalled. people should not have to pay entry for every single event in their area, or try to find free events and struggle to pay for the transportation. it's not good for your mental health.

[cherspastries]

Cher!! I love your writing and you aesthetic so much :)

You’re a graphic designer yeah? What driver do you think would work well with a graphic designer reader, and on that note, what occupation do you think each driver’s s/o would have?

And do you do emoji anons? 👀 If so can I be 🫧?

I LOVE HER AS SHE IS,

DOING HER THING!

WORK IT!

2025 Grid x Reader

SUMMARY 𐙚 What jobs I think each driver’s girlfriend would have + how you first met.

WARNINGS 𐙚 Fluff, reader is described with feminine terms, mentions of alcohol / handling alcohol, not proofread

WORD COUNT 𐙚 6.3K

A/N 𐙚 Hi!! Tysm I love my theme, and yes I do accept emoji anons! Hello 🫧 !! Also, before I actually write, I love all the WAGs and respect their jobs, but I wanted to romanticize this a bit so… All the drivers are getting hypothetical new girlfriends with weird and interesting occupations and personalities

DIRECTORY | MASTERLIST | REQUESTS: OPEN

RedBull ෆ

Max Verstappen

Bartender

You cannot convince me this man isn’t always in need of a drink. Whether he’s celebrating or he’s upset, Max likes a good gin and tonic. Sure, he can make his own, but nobody makes it as good as his lovely girlfriend: a bartender. That’s right! He met you at a club in Monaco, of course. It was after he had won a grand prix, and he kept coming back for more and more alcohol until he was blackout drunk. You had to call him a cab home, and he kept mumbling about how beautiful and perfect you were. When he came back to retrieve his lost phone the next day, he apologized and properly asked you out.

But it’s also nice because Max’s favorite way to relax with you is to lay across the couch, drink in hand, and watching a show you both enjoy. He doesn’t want to overwork you, but if you offer to whip something up real fast, he’s definitely not going to say no to your hard work and encourage you to keep doing what you love. Side note, I genuinely think he loves being able to party at the club you work at. He loves getting to enjoy a night out, but also being able to visit you whenever he wants. His friends have stopped wondering where he’s ran off to after they found out who was behind the bar. They shouldn’t be surprised when he disappears every five minutes to go chat you up again. Sometimes regular patrons give him dirty looks because they think he’s hitting on you inappropriately, but then you flash the matching set of rings and they simmer down.

Yuki Tsunoda

Seamstress

I’ll be honest, I was unsure about this one, but I honestly think it makes a lot of sense. Yuki has really good style, so I had a feeling his partner should be related to fashion. However, seamstress was a bit of a stretch. I think you’d make a lot of clothes for him, which is why he has such great style to begin with. He’s wearing handmade, high quality patchwork hoodies and jeans and shoes that you decorated yourself, all made by you! So yeah, whenever someone compliments his very fitting form of fashion, he lets you know that the people are certainly admiring your work. Do we all remember when the internet went crazy over Yuki wearing his RedBull shirt unbuttoned? Yeah. All you.

He first met you when you were still just a fan. Some might argue the dynamic seems inappropriate, but you were never a huge fan of him specifically. Just… An F1 fan. You sewed shirts for the RedBull team, and they weren’t the typical tacky wear that the team usually received. These had lots of thought and enthusiasm put into them— He could only imagine how hard and how long you have slaved away making those, so he wore it with pride… Even if it was a tad bit too big. After that, he kept seeing you in the paddock, communicating with various engineers and drivers, collecting autographs like it was your job. He complimented your work, you introduced yourself, and the rest was history. So yeah, you ended up falling for the irresistible charm of Yuki Tsunoda, and honestly who can blame you?

Mercedes ෆ

George Russell

Graphic designer

Yes, okay. This is my line of work, and I honestly believe George would be the most supportive for a graphic designer out of everyone. I mean, he at least thinks he knows fashion and technology, so he assumes that he’s being helpful. I can see the two of you being high school sweethearts that pursued different paths, but stuck together. Of course you knew George was into racing at the time, because he was karting even back then, but you never expected him to reach such fame. He even managed to get to a job with the FIA, designing graphics for winners and podiums and such, so yeah. People have been silently appreciating your work for years. You’re the one who gets to see all the unused winner graphics.

Whenever you’re working on a project, you consult George. Even though half the time you don’t listen to his advice, it’s nice to get somebody else’s opinion and support. You know he’ll be honest instead of giving you that ��it’s perfect the way it is” bullshit, so his unfiltered opinion is just what you need to get a sense of what the right direction might be. He used to sugarcoat it, but you eventually told him that his honesty wouldn’t hurt your feelings, and he started to be more open. Not that it was rude, because his opinions were still helpful and polite! He always tops it off with a kiss and a wish of good luck. He knows you’ll make the right decision.

Kimi Antonelli

Tutor

Alright. We all have fun joking about Kimi needing a math tutor, but what if he doesn’t. Because his girlfriend is one. You know? You’re still in school, just like him, so you make a lot of money by people paying you to help them out in classes. Yes, Kimi needs a nerd girlfriend I feel it in my SOUL. Now, contrary to popular belief, you actually don’t tutor him. Why? Because he gets distracted by you very easily. He can’t stop looking at your pretty eyes, your plump lips, and your soft hair. All he wants is to bury his face in your neck and lay on top of you 24/7/365, because you’re so soft and warm. So no, you don’t tutor him. You can’t tutor him. You’ve tried. You’ve failed.

He brings you to the Imola Grand Prix, happily showing you off and introducing you to all of his track mates with that huge boyish grin. He tells them all that you’re just his tutor, and that afterwards you’ll be in his drivers room teaching him the pythagorean theorem (which he doesn’t even know how to pronounce in any language, mind you, so he’s just stumbling over syllables to get the idea out.) You correct him and politely let them know you’re actually his girlfriend. They all tease him, insisting that this whole story was just an excuse to sneak you into his room for a cheeky make out session, which you both quickly deny with flushed cheeks and slight stutters. Looks like he’s been caught before he could even try.

Ferrari ෆ

Charles Leclerc

Fashion designer

Now this isn’t to say that Charles doesn’t already have good fashion sense, because he definitely does. However, I do think that after the two of you started dating, there was a noticeable change in his choices. He started to dress in a manner that was suitable to his… Well, everything. He had custom made clothes with logos pertaining to him on them, everything matched his face and body shape, and he was dressed to an absolute T. All thanks to you! He doesn’t even have to ask, you just quietly sketch up designs for jackets and shirts that he can proudly show off at races, and you’ve even helped him customize merch that is both affordable, and fits the aesthetic of most of his fans. Goodbye trashy t-shirts with a logo lazily slapped on, and hello well thought out designs.

You were definitely hired to design some of his merch after the team saw your concept sketches. He was completely clueless to your arrival, but once he saw you he knew there was something irresistible that surrounded you. Your aura was undeniably attractive, and you were a genius when it came to your job. Of course. He loved your sense of fashion, so Charles discreetly asked you out to go get coffee and discuss things some more. Except, the two of you ended up talking and laughing the entire time, so of course you had to reschedule. And then you had to reschedule again because the same thing happened. Then finally you realized what he was doing, and asked him out on an official date. From then on, he proudly showed you off as his girlfriend. No more hiding!

Lewis Hamilton

Makeup artist

Yes, both of the Ferrari boys have their fashion girlfriends. I think if they existed in the same universe they’d be really good friends, too. I think Lewis loves to listen to you rant about different qualities of makeup, and how different makeups can affect break-outs on skin, and how to prevent all that. There’s a lot that goes into your line of work, and he never gets tired of hearing it. I think his favorite thing is hearing you talk about different color palettes and how you decide what colors suit a client best. You’ve definitely done similar things on him, and he stays true to your advice and tries to mix those colors in to his outfits. He also refuses to hire anyone but you to do his makeup for events, and he brings you everywhere he can. Trust that you were attached at the hip during the Met Gala, and that he was announcing to everyone he met that you did his makeup, and how talented you are. Watch out because you’re gonna have so many clients coming your way.

Unlike Charles and his girlfriend, you were not hired to work for him when you met. It was actually more of a meet cute— He was asking for advice in your local beauty shop, because he figured you looked like you knew what you were doing and could tell him what the correct shade of blush was for his niece, who was clinging to his side. You were in awe because holy shit, the Lewis Hamilton was asking you for advice, which you gave while stammering to an embarrassing extent. He thanked you, and asked for your number with the excuse that he might need more advice in the future. You did not hesitate to give it to him, and while he didn’t call for advice, he did call to ask you out properly. Your dynamic is very much so “girlfriend who knows a lot about fashion and boyfriend who pretends not to so he can hear her ramble.”

McLaren ෆ

Oscar Piastri

Food critic

Oh yes, the two of you are most certainly bonding over a shared love of food. Oscar Piastri doesn’t present himself as a foodie, but it’s more of a hidden pleasure of his. I won’t lie, when you first mentioned your occupation he thought it was somewhat funny. Reviewing food for a living seemed like something simple. He took it at the base level ideation and assumed that’s all it was. However, when you got really invested with talking about it, Oscar was quick to learn there was so much more. You discussed about different types of recipes, and methods when it came to baking. You ranted about cuts of meat and how each one had its own taste. With your influence, he quickly became quite the enthusiast himself. So, every time you guys went to a restaurant, you both ordered something entirely new to compare and contrast to past dishes. It was fun getting to try new things with you.

When you first met, it was in a restaurant. One of those crowded places where you ended up shoulder to shoulder with a random stranger because of how busy it was. For you, that random stranger ended up being famous racer Oscar Piastri. Although it was awkward at first, you sparked up soft chatter about the meal. He told you he was having the same thing he always did: pasta. You explained your meal, which was exotic to the both of you. When you expressed your disinterest in the taste he teasingly asked what made you so qualified to comment on such a thing. That’s what he found out. Intrigued by your charm, and your passion for all things food, Oscar couldn’t help but ask for your number.

Lando Norris

Teacher

Lando, in my firm opinion, is fantastic with children. He’s a little immature himself, which gives him that natural charm that makes getting along with children easy. He has no troubles throwing on that enthusiastic tone that lights their brains up. One morning in particular, Lando’s dear friend Max had a huge favor to ask of him: Take Penelope to school. Kelly was out for work, and he was running a high fever, which meant ‘Uncle Lala’ was on duty for the day. Admittedly she was a little late, and she showed up with a smoothie from Lando’s favorite coffee shop and a brand new pair of shoes. While he’s good with kids, he’s terrible at saying no. He walked the young girl into her classroom, and he damn near lost his mind. You were perfect— radiant, kind, soft-spoken but not timid. The dream girl that mirrored him perfectly. Even though you playfully scolded them both for being late, all he could focus on was how beautiful you were.

From that day forward, Lando made it painfully clear that something was up. He offered nearly everyday to take Penelope to school, which Max and Kelly would not complain about. She always returned with a huge grin on her face, recommending that her uncle take her again because he was so fun. However, when she started talking about the flirty comments he’d exchange with her teacher, they realized why he was suddenly taking an interest in the life of their child. Lando loves hearing about your day and listening to the various interactions between the kids in your class. He’s smitten with you and your ability to flawlessly interact with children— Unfortunately this means your relationship is destined to be filled with baby fever from you both. 24/7.

Aston Martin ෆ

Fernando Alonso

Wedding planner

As expected, you meet at the wedding of a mutual friend. You planned everything from the venue to the number of flowers in each arrangement, and both the bride and groom were eternally grateful for your help. It was always much easier to have someone else do a majority of the planning for you while you got to sit back and nod along to every suggestion made. In short, your efforts paid off immensely. When you sat down at your assigned table, you were surprised to see the Spanish man in question not far behind you. He seated himself across from you, reaching a hand out to shake yours politely. He was charming right off the bat, his flirty comments flowing with ease. You almost wondered if you were intentionally set up to sit beside this guy, because your fun-loving personalities matched up nicely. He matched your vibe and you matched his.

Now you were going 20 years strong, each anniversary celebrated more profound than the last. You were teased nonstop by friends and friends of friends about the lack of a ring on your finger. “Twenty years and he still hasn’t made it permanent?” was something you heard more often than you were willing to admit, but in all honesty, neither of you were interested in the concept of marriage. Your love was all you needed to seal the deal. You didn’t require a fancy ring to know that. But finally, after years and years of waiting, Fernando dropped down to one knee to give you the opportunity to finally plan your own damn wedding, and you happily accepted. You harbored no anger towards his decision to wait, because ultimately it made the experience a lot more special. You finally got to be on the other end of things and understand firsthand why people hire you to begin with: Planning your own wedding is not all it cracks up to be.

Lance Stroll

Author

Lance needs the peace and quiet that an author girlfriend brings to his life. He’s a well known introvert, which has yet to go unnoticed by anyone that he’s met. Lance prefers to keep to himself, and tends to distance from individuals who are overly loud. While opposites tend to attract, such an ideal is not the case for this fellow. He dreams of a romantically quiet life, and you’re there to fulfill that for him. You meet in the most cliche spot possible: a library. He’s not even that big on reading, but the spot was quiet and it gave him an excuse to brood in a corner and listen to music. You happened to be doing a book signing that day, which made the joint just a tad bit louder than he would have liked. However, when he saw you sitting at a table with a line extending outside the door, a cute smile on your face… Lance was utterly captivated. Your voice was low, your smiles were awkward, and your hands were trembling. Maybe it was weird, but that was everything he yearned for and more. When people started to clear and you started to pack up, he made a move.

Safe to say that said move was successful. The early stages of the relationship were less than ideal with both of you waiting on the other person to initiate every single thing, but finally you warmed up to each other and fell into a comfortable rhythm with your everyday lives. He cherished the days where he came home from loud engines and bustling crowds to the soft clicking of your keyboard, and the occasional flipping of pages. At the end of the day, no matter how stressful things get, Lance will always be grateful for the safety of your warm embrace as you hold him close to you at night. You’re his rock and his anchor, keeping him safe from the extroverts of the world. The media finds the two of you to be the ideal celebrity couple. Matching aesthetics, personalities, and beliefs. Your relationship is private, but it’s far from a secret!

Alpine ෆ

Pierre Gasly

Social media manager

I thought I was funny for this. You’re not a very good manager, because you’re always sitting there beside him, giggling at every post he scrolls by that’s related to him. With that being said, you always reach out and double tap the screen, liking whatever stupid thing had you guys giggling to begin with. So, to the people who wonder why Pierre is always liking every F1 related post, it’s actually your doing. You’re less focused on your actual job, and more on whatever content other people have managed to come up with. It’s really funny, in your defense. You guys first met because you were hired as the Alpine social media manager, but you always ended up laughing just a tad bit too much with Pierre over your ridiculous ideas that he kept building on to. Half the time you barely were able to execute said ideas, and ended up going with something entirely different.

Pierre loves that he found someone to match his energy and be okay with his teasing, along with tease him back. You’re fun— sometimes even more fun than him. Everyone in the paddock would agree. He loves filming videos and taking pictures with you for social media pages, and he loves even more than you get a little bit more freedom with his personal account and have directly spiced up all of his most recent content. Pierre fans have been wondering why most of his stuff has been a lot more enjoyable. Little do they know, you’re quietly working your magic behind the screen. Sorry Pierre, you get no credit. Although, having a hilarious muse does make it much easier.

Franco Colapinto

Florist

With this little flirt, knowing a lot about flowers actually proves to have some value. Franco’s always going out of his way to impress you: fact. He loves bringing home flowers, especially after triple headers, or just generally weekends that felt extra long without you right there beside him. It’s a new bouquet every time. While it is handpicked and arranged by him, it’s safe to say that Franco actually has no clue what he’s doing; his decisions are based off the initial beauty level of the flower. But, we can’t rule out that he intentionally picks randomly, because he does seem to love hearing you lecture him about flower language. He’s got roses being romantic burnt into his memory, but he can’t quite remember that yellow carnations are supposed to mean rejection. He does remember your face the day you brought them home, though, so he decides based on that. You sounded so sad as you explained the initial idea, and Franco was quick to make something up. So now, you guys decided they meant the love of Franco Colapinto— Yeah. He got his own damn flower.

You, as expected, had a meet cute as well. It came straight from a tacky hallmark movie. You had simply been arranging your outdoor stand one day, when a particularly fast biker flew by, clipping the edge of your stand and sending flowers flying through the air. You were devastated to see your hard work flying through the air and drifting away from you. Thankfully, one kind passerby stopped to help you pick up the lost work. He was handsome in his own, unique way. Somewhat familiar, you were sure. He laughed with you as he helped you set things back up, dropping a few flirtatious remarks that had your cheeks growing increasingly warm. It wasn’t until he dropped a joke related to racing that you picked up on it and breathed out a rather distressed, “Oh my God you’re Franco Colapinto!” He barked out a laugh and nodded to confirm your suspicions. He insisted you take his number. You know, just in case you need help dealing with a runaway biker again. It had nothing to do with the fact he thought you were the most beautiful person alive. No, no way.

Williams ෆ

Carlos Sainz

Baker

Get this man a beautiful baker girlfriend who can make him all the sweets in the world. No, but I did have a thought process for this. First date, he still doesn’t quite know that you’re a professional baker, so he’s going on and on about his incredibly pancake recipe when you mention that it’s your favorite breakfast food. You have a recipe of your own, of course, but you’re intrigued by the way he seems so cocky with said recipe, so you let him make you some when you visit him. And honestly, they’re really quite good! You’re considering replacing your own recipe. You repay his kind offer by baking him sweets— and I mean you really got busy in that kitchen, because you’re probably about to hand over 10 large containers full of sweets with flushed ears that tell him everything he needs to know. He’s a little embarrassed that he was ranting about his tasty pancakes to someone who makes them professionally, but he was happy to hear you sincerely liked them.

Now imagine Carlos’ embarrassment when he recounts how the two of you met to begin with. After a long night, he stopped by a local café to pick up a pick-me-up. You were there, but you weren’t behind the counter. You were standing off to the side, leaning over it as you chatted to the barista with a cup of coffee in hand. He approached the register, and you both paused your conversation so said barista could assist him. When Carlos pondered on a dessert from the display case, you very casually suggested that he take a croissant with that ‘trust me’ sort of vibe. He teases you— asks you what makes you a master of breakfast pastries, and you just shrug nonchalantly and tell him that maybe you have ‘insider’ information. He assumes you’re a regular by now, and accepts your suggestion. He gets the croissant. And your number. And a first date… And the embarrassment of finding out way too late into your relationship that you’re the damn baker for the café. That was your insider info.

Alex Albon

Veterinarian

The more obvious choice, yes. While I was afraid this might be too on the nose, I think it makes a lot of sense, really. He has a lot of pets. What does a guy with a lot of pets often do? He takes them to the vet. Alex already takes great care of his pets, so this visit was a little out of the ordinary. His cat had fallen ill, and he needed to get the proper medicine to care for her. But there was you, the newest hire at the clinic who seemed so good with his pet. You gave her treats to keep her distracted as you checked her out, ensuring the man that this was just a common sickness and would pass, but if he wanted he could slip some allergy medicine into her food next time. He was forever grateful. But then, suddenly his pets were falling injured or ill left and right. A man who rarely visited the vet was now becoming a regular, always coming up with some sort of concern. “Doesn’t her leg look weird?” “Nope, looks good to me.” You eventually caught on, and told him that at a vet clinic there was no rules against dating clientele. Now, there was rules against dating patients, but that was because your patients were animals.

He works well with your nonchalant charm. You’re easygoing and laidback, and that’s just what Alex needs. He appreciates having someone he can chill with because his life is often so chaotic that it’s hard for him to take time for himself. Therefore, he has you now. Plus it’s always nice to no longer have to visit the vet when you can now just stop by his house for a quick check up. It becomes even easier when you move in with him, because instead of being worried he can just rely on you to tell him when things are wrong and need to be taken more seriously. All in all, he found an absolute keeper, and the internet won’t stop encouraging him to put a ring on it to ensure nobody else does. Although, not sure anyone needs a veterinarian quite like Alex Albon does. So, I think he’s safe for now.

Visa Cash App Racing Bulls ෆ

Liam Lawson

Actress

I like to think you actually met when filming the F1 movie. You’re a background support character in the film, and Liam was just there to play himself, much like all the other drivers. You two managed to bump into each other, and it seemed like day to day conversations started to take place. You’d share a joke you heard while standing behind him at the coffee making station, or catch him up on the latest set gossip in passing. He was charmed by your wit, and you were charmed by the way he cluelessly fumbled over words around you. Imagine how surprised he was when you asked him out. He felt somewhat disappointed because he had been hoping to have that honor for himself, but he was glad that you reciprocated his feelings.

I think Liam with an actress girlfriend just makes sense anyway. He’s all for the drama you bring to the table, and loves watching every single film you star in, whether it’s a big or small role. He’ll go to every premiere, red carpet, and gala you’re invited to as your plus one. Not only does he love to show his support, but he also realized early on that he gets to meet a lot of his own idols this way. You have lots of connections, and he now has a stack of autographs from famous celebrities at home. It’s a win-win.

Isack Hadjar

Photographer

Your first time meeting Isack was actually a little chaotic. The team hired you to shoot some shots from the first practice on Friday. It was experimental, because it was their first time hiring you, and it was your first time working for a huge company, let alone shooting athletic shots. When it started raining, you hadn’t even noticed. You were so focused on capturing everything perfectly, and with the right settings, that eventually you were completely drenched without a care in the world. It was really down pouring. Subsequently, teams were pulled in from the nasty weather to dry off and warm up. You, however, were still perched in the stands out in the rain, laser focused on your camera. Isack, ever the gentleman, came out with an umbrella and held it over your head. You hadn’t even realized he was there until you felt his shadow cast over you. You looked up, and nearly dropped your camera. You were stuttering all like “Oh- It’s- Oh no, it’s you- Gah, I’m so sorry!” Which only confused him more. You explained you were meant to be taking shots of his team today, but all the ones you got were bad. You were better with portraits. He was stunned by you too. You were beautiful, even with your wet hair plastered to your face and your clothes soaking wet. So, with red cheeks himself, he invited you in to take some portraits, which would hopefully give you a chance at staying with the team. And you did! Which then gave him enough time to work up enough courage to make a move.

You’re a little scatterbrained, it’s true. Every-time you come to the paddock, you’re in a panic as you ramble about how you accidentally left your SD card at home in your laptop, and that your whole reason for coming was now ruined because you didn’t have a way to take photos. Isack reassured you that missing one race wouldn’t be the end of the world. Besides, he ended up finding your SD card in your purse when you asked him to grab your phone. You’re lucky to have found him, because he certainly helps keep you grounded. You’d probably have floated off into space without Isack there to hold you down and keep you steady.

Kick Sauber ෆ

Nico Hülkenberg

Sommelier

You were evidently flawless at your job. You knew everything there was to know about wine, and all of its pairings with food. It was an elegant and refined drink to be saved for fancy events, much like the one you met your beloved at. Your relationship has been in the making for about three years now, and despite its… Awkward start, the two of you have been developing nicely. There was an event for F1 drivers hosted at a vineyard, and you were hired to take care of the wine: a rather simple job. Famous people weren’t a surprise to you anymore, but as you were sharing with your audience the history behind the drink you picked out, you felt your breath leave your body in an untimely manner. That was when he walked in, stealing away your attention. Salt and pepper stubble, a lazy smile, and an appearance that screamed ‘just woke up from a nap in the sun’ in the most endearing way possible. You, a normally charming and easygoing woman, were caught off guard and ended up muttering something stupid like “this wine is… fermented” followed by a nervous laugh, which cued your audience to chuckle along with you.

He teased you later. Of course he did, because how could he not notice the way you’d freeze as you quietly eyed him. When you were setting up glasses, he approached from behind, and you immediately turned around at the sound of his voice, which consequently sent one of the glasses flying. Nico, a man trained in his reflexes, caught it with ease that made your heart flutter. Thank God you managed to snatch him up, because nobody had ever made you feel such a way. It didn’t matter if he didn’t win on the track, because everyday he came home to the most beautiful woman possible, who’d shower him with lots of well deserved love. Plus, you always knew what wine would suit his mood. Yeah. He made the correct choice.

Gabriel Bortoleto

Streamer

We know how brain-rotted Gabriel is. You can’t tell me he doesn’t have a favorite streamer too. It’s you. Before you guys started dating he was a fan. He found your unique commentary on games to be interesting and the way you played— yada yada. Truth be told, he just thought you were pretty and funny. He even suggested through donations (under a secret account name, mind you) that you play one of the F1 games. With the money you earned from the donation, you bought it and showed the whole world just how awful you were. Gabriel secretly messaged you on instagram, claiming he had just found you when you were playing F1 24, and would love to come properly teach you how to play on stream. You agreed, of course. And it was a success. After the cameras turned off, he shyly admitted that he had actually been a fan of yours for awhile, because he felt bad for deceiving you. You just thought it was cute, and offered him the opportunity to come back if he so wanted.

Now, Gabi is a frequent feature on your streams. Not necessarily just as your partner in multiplayer games, but he can be seen on your face cam. Maybe he’s sleeping in the background, or he just happens to pass by. Sometimes he’ll even come give you a kiss in front of thousands of viewers, acting like he forgot you were streaming when in reality it was done intentionally. Sneaky bastard. Your fans love him, but Gabriel also loves to remind them that you’re a happily taken girl. You don’t mind anyway. It’s nice to see your longterm fanboy staking his claim in a way he thinks is secretive. Trust that you know… You always know what he’s up to. There’s no hiding it. Don’t be surprised if he starts spamming your chat with italian brainrot. Imagine having to explain to newcomers that it’s a regular thing, too.

Haas ෆ

Oliver Bearman

Artist

This is a pair nobody expected, to be honest. The Haas team was directed by PR to show up to an art event. Apparently the establishment was sponsoring them for the next race, and it was the polite thing to do. Oliver didn’t really care— He wasn’t a fan of PR events and media. He was outgoing and charming, but he tended to keep his life private for the most part. But he was glad he went, because when he saw you on a shaky ladder hammering in a stubborn nail with frustration, he knew you were someone to keep him on his toes. You had on overalls covered in paint. Some was fresh, but most of it seemed deeply imbedded in the fabric, like you wore them just to get them dirty. Your arms, too, were covered in colors. It was quite the sight. When you saw him, you dropped your hammer. Right on your foot, and then it tumbled down the ladder to fall unceremoniously on the ground. You hissed as you descended the ladder, jittery with excitement. You greeted him with a very enthusiastic handshake, announcing how you didn’t think he’d show up. You kept rambling, and he kept listening. Eventually you asked him if he could sit still, and he said yes, to which you replied with, “I wanna sketch you, then. You have this beautiful angelic vibe and I need that.” So, if that’s not forward I’m not sure what is.

It’s true. You’re his joy, and he’s your muse. And, for what it’s worth, Ollie was right. You certainly do keep him on his toes because he never really knows what’s next with you. You’re vibrant and fun and you love nature— The stereotypical small town girl who falls madly in love with a city boy. You like to run through tall grass barefoot and paint in the middle of giant fields whatever your heart desires, and now you’re dating Oliver Bearman. But it’s a good thing, because you both have changed each other in the best way possible, and even though you’re so different, you work harmoniously in a healthy relationship. You’re both happier than you’ve ever been, truly.

Esteban Ocon

Model

This man is TALL. He needs a tall girlfriend to sit by his side, and that just so happens to be you. You met at a huge gala for F1, where various other celebrities were invited to bring more attention to the sport. You’ve always been a fan, so you were glad to have the opportunity to meet a lot of the people you had admired for so many years. One of those people was Esteban Ocon. He was hated by his own community, regarded as one of the least likable people around, but you saw through that. This was a sweet guy with a bad reputation over one incident that took place many years ago. He was a bit surprised when you intentionally sat down beside him and introduced yourself with a huge smile and a delicate handshake. You were beautiful. It was almost too good to be true. He couldn’t let go of an opportunity like this, so he clung to you the entire night and asked if you’d be willing to see him again. Of course you would.

He supports your career through and through. He admires your skill, and all the thought that goes into modeling. It’s truly impressive. In turn, you support his racing career. You frequently feature his races, and while you do try to avoid the cameras, it’s impossible to not be featured when reacting on occasion. You have a loving dynamic— almost the perfect couple, and everyone in the paddock knows it. You’re the type of people to solve every disagreement by calmly talking it out. You’re the type of people to live by the rule “never go to bed angry.” You both get bad reps. In his community’s mind, Esteban is cruel and vicious and impossible to like. In your community’s mind, you’re stuck up and bossy and rude. So, together you make a perfectly misunderstood pair that understands one another. Delightful, right?

[ihavenomouthandimustmouth]

It seems like a lot of the anti-transmasculinity/transandrophobia discourse revolves around the ideas that either this does not occur, does not occur in real life, or is just transmascs viewing criticisms of transmisogynistic transmascs as oppression, so here’s a story.

I live with some other people around my age, and I stopped using my deadname with them earlier this year. it hasn’t been that long, about 3 months, but generally, they use my correct name with an occasional mistake, usually followed up by a correction. one of them, however, just cannot seem to stop deadnaming me, often without correcting afterwards. when they do notice they’ve gotten it wrong, it’s usually followed up by a big thing about how they don’t know why they’re so bad at it or blaming it on being drunk if they’re drunk, but often not an apology.

an additional piece of this—my partner, who is a trans woman, changed the name they use around the same time, but this person almost always gets her name right. this person knows me a bit better/longer than they do her, but not that much better/longer, and generally, when I am around them, my partner is also there. (adding a cut here because this is gonna be long)

I talked with my therapist about this at my last session. I was seeking advice on how to handle it, but I also spent a lot of time just complaining and running through different incidences of this happening. I ended up telling her about some of the weird things this person said to me when I first started socially transitioning, including them saying that they were sad when I came out because they (direct quote) “didn’t want to stop seeing me as a genderless elf” (???!?) (I had previously identified as nonbinary and used any pronouns) and followed that up by saying that they hated men, which they then followed up by saying “not trans men though” (which like okay but then why bring that up in this conversation).

In talking my therapist, I circled back to the deadnaming issue and said that I thought this person was doing this to me and not my partner because my partner is more feminine than I am masculine (in social behavior and the way we look as two people that have not started medically transitioning). my therapist pushed back on this and said that, based on all the things I said, it seemed more like this person just didn’t want to see me as a man.

this blew my mind a little because I, a transmasculine person who spends way too much time on trans and transmasc internet, did not put the situation in this context while my therapist, a cis woman who is supportive but not super aware of the trans experience, did. it made a lot of sense though, and fit into the context of my other experiences and interactions with this person.

this person is a nonbinary person who has never identified as or been seen as a man. they are supportive of trans people generally and of their rights. they are also someone who believes that woman are inherently better than men. this generally doesn’t have much of an impact on the cis men we live with—for them, this more comes as being around for jokes that might make them a little uncomfortable, but doesn’t stop them from being seen as men. for me, this means I have to deal with the fact that this person doesn’t want to see me as a man and deadnames me accordingly, seemingly because they see me transitioning as a loss.

my point here is that when transmasculine people say that there are issues they face specifically related to them being transmasculine, that’s not a lie or a hypothetical. there is a stark contrast between the way this person treats my transfem partner and myself (and, after talking with someone who’s lived here with this person for longer, other transmasculine people who have lived in the house). they are supportive of trans people as a group, but not of transmasculinity, and I have to deal with the consequences.

[vaspider]

Look. A little advice.

Once you get to a certain amount of Known on the internet or a subsection of it, or even in a subsection of a RL group of people, there are going to be people who will make up a version of you which exists only in their heads and which has absolutely nothing to do with who you are. It might better resemble who you were twenty years ago or it might never have had anything to do at all with who you were then or are now.

You cannot stop this. You cannot prevent this. Once you get a certain number of followers or a certain amount of attention, that's going to happen: people will make up stories about you which either look through a fun-house mirror at some small aspect of who you are and twist it and blow it up until it doesn't resemble you at all, or which just have absolutely no basis in fact whatsoever.

This is just another kind of parasocial relationship; it's the kind which really sucks to deal with, because it's so negative and so pervasive. It's very real, and the frustration you feel about it is very real. Nobody wants to be known incorrectly.

But. You can't control this. It's gonna happen. No matter what you say, no matter how precisely you say it, the people who want to misinterpret you will find a way to do so. This doesn't mean 'don't pay attention to what you say,' or 'don't be purposeful and precise with your language,' but it does mean 'don't obsess over the people who are determined to get you wrong.'

You can be the most anodyne, run-of-the-mill, unremarkable human being, and the people who are determined to hate you will find something that they can point to and say 'ha ha! I told you that Spider danced with the devil at midnight! I witnessed it myself!' (It will not help the situation if you are, say, self-admittedly stubborn as fuck, long-winded, and sometimes kinda fucking obnoxious, but please realize that in the end, it doesn't really matter. This is gonna happen no matter what.)

The people who matter will look at what's being said, wrinkle up their foreheads, and say, 'uh, man, it looks like Spider was actually playing with his dog at 9 am?'

That said, if you don't have elephant-thick skin from being a marginalized-gender human being who's been on the internet since before the web had pictures, there are some things you can do to make it easier when people making things up about you starts to get on your nerves:

Establish protocols for when it becomes too much: have someone read your messages, turn off your notifications, have time where you purposefully disengage.

Establish protocols for how you interact, period: "I will block people without guilt if they engage positively with the people who spread untruths about me." "I will answer everything in public so people can't lie about what I said, because it's right there in public." "I will not answer work-related stuff in DMs, that has to go to the work email." Whatever it is, create some boundaries for yourself. Stick to them. The people who push you to bend them aren't doing that for your benefit but theirs.

If you get someone who really hits your Weirdo Alarm, trust it. Yeah, block and report, but also, take screenshots and store them somewhere that isn't easily erased. I have an 'Internet Weirdos' folder, which makes it a little easier to deal with when people start doing things like 'making threats of physical harm to me and my family.' Don't fuss, just take a screenshot and chuck it in the folder. Having that record makes it easier to just forget that it ever happened, because you have a paper trail if anybody starts doing something Real Weird.

Spend time offline, with people who do actually know you.

Don't get lost in the version of you that someone else makes up in order to make up for the shit that's missing in their own life. You aren't required to play the part that someone else is trying to script for you. It is never to your benefit, only to theirs; you gain nothing by standing in that role for them, and you lose precious seconds of your one irreplaceable life.

You could be using those seconds to look at this video of how to pick up a duck, which I think we can all agree is a better investment of your time.

[g-n-c-quoi]

the anti-endo side of the internet is rotting my brain by the second what are you people DOING

this is a little bit about the new octocon app but just in general-

speaking as a medically recognized (not diagnosed for safety reasons but doctors are aware) P-DID system, i cannot believe i have to say this, but endogenic systems are entirely unharmful and you look ridiculous trying to pretend they do

“DID/OSDD/etc is a trauma disorder!!” you would be hard pressed to find an endogenic system actually claiming to have those disorders. the vast majority of them have self described as non-disordered

“you can’t be a system without trauma!!” do we know that for a fact? dissociative disorder research is so full of stigma and misinformation that it’s mind boggling, do you honestly trust the dsm-5 to have literally every example of being a system ever written down verbatim?

also systems can be intentionally created for spiritual or personal reasons, please google search tulpamancy

also also it’s incredibly weird and potentially dangerous in some cases to demand proof that someone has experienced life altering brain damaging trauma before you can respect them as who they say they are

“they’re stealing resources!” literally what resources. therapy? they’re stealing therapy? please be serious.

w/ regards to pk/sp and octocon- what tangible harm is it doing to you for someone who calls themselves an endo system to use the same app as you. answer quickly.

i don’t even particularly care that much about this, i’ve largely stopped talking about being a system online because of how mind numbingly absurd the community is, i just cannot overstate how little this discourse matters

if someone is earnestly and intentionally faking being a system then the consequences of that behavior that turn up in their social life will be more than enough without you ridiculing them relentlessly for something that most of the time has little if any material impact

you’re just diet fakeclaiming please find something else to do with your time than bothering people who aren’t bothering you

[trevorsgodmother]

𝓐 𝓻𝓸𝓾𝓰𝓱 𝓼𝓽𝓪𝓻𝓽 (C.S ☁︎)

Warnings: Bit of angst, swearing, obsessive fans. Basically just fluff though Summary: Y/N and Chris have been dating for a year, and he decides to tell all his fans on a livestream. However, the response isn't what he wanted

You and Chris met in junior year through Nick. Nick thought you two's vibes just fit so well, and so after 3 years, you finally started dating. But none of you ever told the internet, since Chris was scared of all the jealous fangirls hating on you.

Now that was all about to change. You're fiddling with your fingers while sitting just outside of the camera's view, waiting for your boyfriend to start the stream and introduce you. He turns, and flashes a calming smile, "It's ok baby, they'll like you." You give him a nervous smile and nod. Of course he thought that, he wasn't the one dating the Chris Sturniolo (that would be weird). Chris starts the stream, and waits for the viewers to increase before loudly exclaiming, "HEYYY CHATTT. WELCOME TO THE STREAMMM." You read the comments coming in, ranging from greetings to thirsting over him. Some people ask where Matt is. "Sorry guys, no Matty B today. Both my brothers left me." He pretends to wipe a fake tear while you roll your eyes. "Anyways...I have a VERY special guest here with me today, and y'all won't believe it... BUT I GET BITCHES." The chat immediately fills with 'WHATTTT' 'WHO??' 'YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS' 'CHRISTOPHER STURNIOLO GET YOUR LYING ASS OUT OF HERE' 'NO YOU'RE MINEEE.' You swallow, the words on screen not helping to settle your nerves. Chris waits for a moment, then grabs the arm of your chair, and rolls it over. "HERE SHE ISS. This is Y/N, my girlfriend of a year. Say hi!" You wave to the camera with a small smile. For a second, the chat stops. Then, messages flood through at a rapid pace, and you barely catch a glimpse of one before another's replaced it. From what you can see, people think you're pretty, they congratulate Chris, and he's sitting there with a goofy-ass smile on his face.

But then the air shifts. Jealous fans start spamming, dissing your face, your body, your hair, your smile, your makeup...everything. Insecurities you hadn't had since high school bubble up, and Chris' eyes widen. He's frozen for a second, before snapping out of his horrified daze, remembering how you got bullied in high school. "Hey...HEY. CHAT. CALM THE FUCK DOWN" But it's too late. It feels like nails are being raked across your skin, sticking in your brain and making you believe everything these people are saying. Obviously they didn't know you had issues with your looks, they were just hating on the woman who'd 'stolen' their man.

Chris is pissed, rightfully. He'd been so excited to share this part of his life with his fans, but their vibe was completely off. He mutes his mic, and takes your wrist, sitting you down on his bed. By now, tears have started gathering in your eyes. "Hey...look at me. Baby, don't listen to them, they're all just jealous someone's dating your hot boyfriend" He grins cheesily. You sniffle, and roll your eyes. "Shut up."

Meanwhile, other people have started cracking down on the haters, calling them out for being jealous and asking for you two to come back. Chris walks back over, and turns the mic on. "Alright chat, you guys get one more chance to see this thick- I mean very beautiful woman on this stream. If there's more hate i'm turning it off, capisce?" The chat spams apologies and agrees wholeheartedly. Some haters still get through, but their messages are drowned out by support. You walk over slowly, sit back down, and Chris loops an arm around your shoulders. "Ok, let's do this again. This is my amazing, hot girlfriend Y/N. Introduce yourself babe." You nod, and talk about yourself a little, still a bit camera shy. Everyone's gushing over how cute Chris is with you, and how nice you are. Questions are being asked every second, and you answer as many as you can while your man sits beside you, absolutely ecstatic. All too soon, for the viewers anyway, Chris decides to end the stream. You say goodbye, and the people watching are begging for more. "Maybe we might do a second one later guys. Ooh, we can play 20 questions or something, how does that sound babe?" Chris asks. "Hmm...that's a good idea. We can answer like, couple questions too" You agree. You guys say your goodbyes, and then turn off the stream. Chris picks you up, slinging you over his shoulder and throwing you down onto his bed as you shriek. "CHRIS!" He gives you another goofy smile, and lays down next to you. "Sorry about what they said baby" He murmurs. He felt bad, the one time you decide to come on camera with him turning out horribly. You smile and shake your head. "It's ok Chris. Not my fault they can't handle me dating my 'hot boyfriend'" You mock his words from earlier. He chuckles, and rolls his eyes. "I'm not just hot. I'm pretty smart too" "No you're not, idiot"

A/N: OMFG FIRST FIC AHHHH. 2021 me would be proud. Honestly, I have no idea what I just wrote, but please gimme feedback, and please don't steal. 🙏😔 BYEE, LOVE YOU ALL <3 Dividers by @bernardsbendystraws <3 ☞ Masterlist

[effietrinket1619]

On the subject of Jess having a TikTok account dedicated to content produced by dint of her having the weirdest family anyone on the internet has ever seen (this is the true reason they are beating the Waynes for popularity), and Kyle finding that makeup is way more fun than expected:

-Simon being into cars and Hal being into planes. Does this cause conflicts? Who knows but they definitely both have multiple 'infodump about special interest' segments

-Kyle with makeup strikes again, multiple times (they even get John to sit for it, with a face of exasperated indulgence) which then devolves into 'everyone walks in heels challenge' and listen it's been a while since Hal was young enough to steal Carol's shoes for the hell of it but the muscle memory is still there so he's rusty but he's not Guy (cannot go five steps without tripping but he plays it off nicely). This is how everyone learns that Kyle can already walk in heels. He refuses to tell them how or why he knows this.

-also on the Kyle with makeup: does Jess get him into stage makeup and does he then try to make someone look like Kilowog.

-I want Hal to wear a dress at some point (with a good twirly skirt), possibly as another challenge Jess talks everyone into, because I think he'd enjoy it a lot more than he expected to. Guy spends the whole thing exaggeratedly emulating one of the PTA moms he knew back in the day and it's all fun and games until Kyle says 'yknow with dramatics like that you wouldn't be a half bad drag queen' and then Guy gets that specific demonic glint in his eye that means 'I have discovered a new way to cause chaos' and Kyle realizes immediately that he's all but signed himself up as the makeup artist for this. Hal is completely ignoring them in favor of looking at himself in the mirror and twirling in the twirly skirt and periodically hyping Kyle's makeup skills and the shopping skills of whoever picked the dress because "I was honestly expecting a repeat of that time I dressed in drag and sang ABBA at midnight on the tarmac because I lost a bet but you actually made me look nice!"

(Hal will drop anecdotes like that and then never elaborate or bring them up again. He does it specifically to drive Jess insane. She is aware of this.)

-at least one FMK of the Justice League, which about half the actual League watches, chaos ensues as a good quarter of the senior Leaguers pointedly flirt with Hal in Batman's line of sight specifically to make Bruce's eye twitch.

-vlog saga of a trip to an air and space museum, Hal geeks out the whole time, it's adorable.

-one video that's just Jess silently recording the dumpster fire of a trip that is Hal and Guy trying to buy groceries. It is captioned 'this is why John won't let us shop without him'.

-the One Time Jess got John to pop off about architecture

-Simon's litany of extremely helpful car advice.

-Kyle complaining about having art block because he gets so creative when he bitches about it.

-Jess replaces the sugar with salt and half the video is just her fucking booking it away from the rest of the Lanterns.

-yknow those prank videos where one party goes 'I trapped a mouse under the dish I'm too scared to touch it' and it's a computer mouse but you don't find out until the other party has moved it outside? Those fail absolutely in the Lantern house but they fail in such absolutely batshit ways she posts them anyway. Everyone's reactions to 'help there's a mouse/huge bug/etc under it' are just... so fucking weird. Jess tells John there's a big tarantula under that paper cup and he leaves and comes back with a mallet and that's the most normal reaction out of all of them.

-moves all the furniture three inches to the left. Compilation of creative swearing as toes are stubbed.

-rearranges the dishes while everyone's asleep, ensuing '....why are the plates in the bowl cabinet?????' Except Jess obviously can't stop there so one morning everyone wakes up and every cabinet and drawer in their kitchen has been emptied and filled with Legos. John turns the house upside down and he cannot find ANY of their dishes or cooking utensils and the only appliance left is the microwave which has been unplugged and filled with Legos. Kyle, Guy, and Hal immediately sit on the kitchen floor to start playing with the Legos, which is periodically interrupted by John's increasingly furious search for a SINGLE ONE of their dishes or utensils. He'll take finding a single chopstick at this point.

-compilation of having the family try weird foods except all of these people are so used to alien cuisine or the godawful space rations that they just... don't... react... she has Hal eat a carolina reaper the day after he gets back from a several month long mission in space and he's so used to space rations that he's just like 'oh thank god. Flavor.' And that's his only reaction. Like how all food is the best food ever when breakfast was ten hours ago and you've been hiking for eight of them.

-shdhgbsbd Jess does one of those horror movie prank challenges but it's the Lanterns so their reactions are.... not the expected. (Hal wakes up to see some horrific Halloween decoration staring him in the face. He gives it a once over, rolls over, and goes back to sleep).

these are absolutely FRYING me so i'll add on wherever i can

i'd like to make it so clear that jess never, at any given point, actually states the nature of her relationship to these people. they're all from different states, they all have wildly different cultural, religious and employment backgrounds. every time someone's brave enough to ask if [insert lantern] is her partner or parent, jess flat out ignores it and goes on with her day.

there's also the fact that guy and john, who crucially do not have secret identities, appear regularly and seem to live in this house with her? this is equally perplexing as jess apparently just casually knows two whole green lanterns. one person asks if the entire family is made up of green lanterns and jess makes a minute long response video that's just her laughing her ass off. no words at all. that puts the theories to rest for a while.

kyle's dabbled mildly in face painting but make up is a whole different game entirely. there's so much more. like, a lot of creative expression and more products and powders and paints he gets to figure out how to use as well as a whole new array of brushes. he cannot believe it took him this long to try.

john being the next victim is entirely fitting. he's silent and visibly fighting a smile so he looks as stoic as possible while kyle goes to town on him and gives him the cleanest cut crease anyone's ever seen. does this end up boosting john stewarts popularity publicly? yes. jess would tell you she had very little to do with it.

hal and his anecdotes give jess genuine aneurysms. as she films and helps kyle stencil in butterflies over his cheeks and forehead, he drops that he kinda wishes he went all out like this on his wedding day. kyle drops his brush and jess chokes audibly as they talk over each other to ask hal if he's actually married?? hal's response? a grin, a wink and a, "You never asked." horrifying.

kyle does end up getting really good with the state makeup and this spirals into a video where jess walks around looking like she got half of her face torn off (it's surprisingly realistic for makeup) and it scares the shit out of simon and guy.

the way hal is able to sashay in a dress and high heels has everyone deeply suspicious. jess also feels like john in particular is hiding something from them as they watch hal check himself out in a full length mirror. keli's, hidden behind the camera, is the one who asks hal if he's done this before. hal shrugs and says his airforce days were kinda wild. this will be keeping jess and her audience up at night.

anyway, john rocks an evening gown, guy is absolutely thrilled in a vintage, tea length dress that's very reminiscent of the forties housewife style, kyle gets a nice sundress with sunflowers printed all over it and simon has found a wedding dress (no one knows where he got it) and is twirling around in it. truly the video ever. jess has them do a whole catwalk and everything and hal in his heels and makeup really does steal the show.

no one knowing hal is a green lantern makes the FMK so much funnier. when asked for a reason as to why he'd kill batman in literally every single one of these, he has to come up with an answer that doesn't give away his history with bruce. what does he come up with instead? the first and only time he went to gotham, batman knocked his hotdog out of his hands and hal never went back. this gets #justiceforhaljordan and #batmanvshaljordan trending for a week straight. bruce is livid.

hal and guy at the supermarket goes viral because they get into an argument over the flavour of yoghurt keli likes best. it's banana vs chocolate when jess knows keli likes neither of these flavours. she says nothing. the argument lasts for thirty minutes and they end up not buying any yoghurt at all. hal and guy go to the next aisle over and start bickering again over chip flavours. jess's sigh rattles through her very bones.

jess purposefully strides up to simon and tells him that hal's considering getting a cybertruck (he isn't) and the audience gets to see simon's face go from shock to horror to disgust to pure and unadulterated rage. he then storms into hal's room (jess is still filming) and goes on this massive and impassioned rant about why cybertrucks are the single worst investment he could make and if hal bought one, simon would be ripping it apart immediately. hal is. so confused.

john is tipsy when jess brings up architecture and then everyone present, audience included, get an extended house tour where he proudly and deliberately points out every single design feature he included and the reasons for it (ofc john designed the house they're in, what the hell did you expect from me?). it's sweet, it's impassioned and it's clear it was all a labour of love.

the salt prank gets jo first. the others are either too exhausted or jaded to even really notice when they starts stirring salt into their coffee. but jo? she dumps a whole two teaspoons in and jess manages to keep a straight face until jo literally chokes on it and nearly starts drowning right then and there as tea goes everywhere. jess barely makes it out of there with her life preserved.

the mouse prank? yeah hal produces a fuckoff huge flamethrower from nowhere and jess is forced to reveal the prank before he actually burns the house down. jess takes her eyes off kyle for about five minutes and he's already rigged a very elaborate trap that absolutely will not work. jo takes one look at upturned dish and grabs a machete. about a billion viewers fall in love with her almost immediately. guy goes and finds a mouse cage so he can keep it and is devastated to see that it's a computer mouse. jess almost feels bad for him.

keli gets to participate in moving all of the furniture. kyle, eternally stuck in his own head, stubs his toes a million times and looks like he's on the verge of tears by the time he manages to navigate his way into his own room. when the door slams shut, jess and keli do hear another muffled yelp and they consider this a job well done. john eventually asks them to please move the furniture back before guy trips and gives himself more brain damage.

where did jess put the utensils and plates? she's not saying shit. but she does keep coming out with a bowl full of food and it's driving john genuinely nuts as he tries to figure out where the hell she's keeping this stuff. hal, kyle, guy and simon are entirely useless. they've been useless since the legos came out. jo absolutely knows something john doesn't and keli is thrilled that they get to have takeout the entire day. john is rethinking every decision that got him here as he combs through the house for the umpteenth time.

a lot of people find it incredibly attractive that hal, one of two white men in this fuckass family, can handle the heat of a carolina reaper. hal, of course, has been aided by oliver queen's chili recipe which he's consumed over the course of years. most of them have a pretty decent spice tolerance actually, so the challenge is less them feeling pain and more them being relieved that they're back on earth and they can actually eat food with flavour.

as a side note, i wanna make it so clear that the reason hal gets popular originally is because he's hot but after that point? he's just so fucking weird but also kind??? like he's possibly the weirdest guy anyone's ever seen cos he'll read hate comments and huff and go, "I watched my dad burn to death in front of me so this is not my biggest problem right now" and then never elaborate?? an enigma. he is also super cute when he geeks out. that helps.

hal's best friend is kilowog so there's virtually nothing that actually shakes him. jess positions a skeleton on the ceiling over hal's bed (supernatural style) and he doesn't even blink at it when he wakes up. no one does. not even with those enormous spiders that jump off the wall. jess's little pranks here are less about the comedy of her family getting scared and more about just showcasing how fucking weird they all are. it's infuriating and incredibly endearing all at once.

anyway this is so fun thank you for the ask <3

[padfootagain]

We’ll figure it all out

Hi!! Answering a request from an anon here!

Hope you like it! It’s kind of bitter sweet. Tell me what you think!

****

Pairing: Hozier x fem! Reader

Warning: angst, hurt/comfort

Summary: You think about the risk of your relationship with Andrew becoming known by the public, and start panicking. Will Andrew manage to soothe you enough to save your relationship?

Word Count: 2047

Hozier’s Masterlist – Main Masterlist

You love him, you really do.

You watch him now, reading in his armchair, by the fire, in his living room. It’s warm, comfortable, domestic, this sight that reveals itself to your eyes. He’s focused, a small frown digging a crease between his brow. He’s been reading Joyce again lately. A story of leaving home, to become someone. The weight of being an individual. Changing. Becoming.

He looks up now, he felt your gaze upon him, insistent and not quite fond. Or rather… it was fond, but not just that. Fond and scared. Yes, when he looks up and catches your eyes, he reads fear in them, and his frown deepens. He doesn’t understand why…

“You’re alright, love?”

You shake yourself, emerging from a daydream. From a scenario your brain keeps on playing. It’s all because of the world outside this house, it’s nothing to do with Andrew, with the love you share with him. And yet…

He tilts his head in a silent question. It hurts. It breaks all of your defences.

You’ve seen another example on twitter and Instagram. You’ve seen the harassment towards someone who hadn’t done anything wrong. She just fell in love with an actor. Someone famous right now, you can’t even remember who. All you can think of is the pain in her eyes as she asked people to leave her alone, the poison in the words commented under each of her posts. You can’t understand it. You physically cannot. Your brain doesn’t have that ability. Why some people think it’s okay to send hatred to a stranger on the internet, a stranger who’s never done anything to hurt them?

Because they’re jealous and full of hatred.

That’s the logical explanation. It doesn’t make the pain easier to carry, the fear disappear.

“Honey? What’s wrong?”

You stare at his hazel eyes, think of how they’re caught in crossfire. How Andrew doesn’t deserve this, but you’re too scared not to act. You can’t ignore it, the banging on your heart, the pain through your skull…

You walk over to him, and he closes his book after nestling a bookmark between the pages. It’s a picture of the two of you, he carries it everywhere. From your first anniversary, last year. When things were obviously serious and yet they were simple too. No pressure. We’ll figure it out as we go. We’ll find something. Hey, we don’t even know where we’re heading, so why worry about what others think? We’ll keep this to ourselves, and it’ll be fine. That’s what he said by then. But a year has flown by, and now you live with him, and everything has changed.

The corners of the polaroid are bent and wrinkled, but your smiles on the picture are unwavering. A moment caught in time. A moment that passed.

He offers you his hand, and you take it. You don’t have a choice, that’s how it always is with him. You can’t resist, you can’t take a logical decision. Not when you love him so deeply.

“I know there’s something off, lately,” he speaks in measured words, in a calm tone, careful not to scare you. “Tell me what it is. Maybe I can help?”

Help? He can’t help. If the world learns about the two of you, you’ll get harassed like everyone else, and there’s nothing he’ll be able to do to stop it. And you’re terrified. You didn’t sign up for this. You signed up for Andrew. You signed up for the lad who blushed and stumbled on his words the first time he spoke to you. For the charm in his bright smile, and the warmth in his voice, and the gentleness in his fingers. You signed up for a man who is kind, smart, and funny in a kind of weird way. You signed up for afternoons spent reading with Andrew by the fire and drinking tea. You had to sign up for the long absences too, the phone calls in the middle of the night, the conversations spoken in a hurry. You had to sign up for hands refraining from reaching and holding in public, for kisses hidden, for lies to be heard in interviews. And it was okay. He was worth it, all of it.

But this… insane hatred? The thought that you could be the next victim on that list, it was making you question everything.

Was Andrew worth that, too? The pain, the violence, the tidal wave?

He pulls you closer, until you’re standing between his legs. On his nose, his glasses are a little crooked when he looks up, and you straighten them without thinking.

“I’m worried,” you admit.

“About what?”

“Us.”

Your answer is more direct than what he expected, shorter as well, and more painful. A dagger straight to his heart.

Us?

“What about us? What’s wrong about us?” he questions, his tone urgent and too revealing to his liking.

You trail your fingertips down the side of his cheek, lost in thoughts, it would seem. Then you cup his jaw, holding him in the palm of your hand.

“Nothing’s wrong about us, but…”

You pull away, take a step back, slip between his fingers, and Andrew’s too aware of how fragile his happiness is now.

He looks for what you’re going to say next in your eyes, but you hide them from him, averting your gaze towards the floor. You’re fleeing, he can see all your pieces folding over themselves. He can feel the wall that you build through the room…

He reaches out anyway, takes your hand, stops you from moving further, so you won’t leave for good, so the gap between you and him will not become insurmountable.

He’s noticed lately, how you spend a lot of time on your phone, how you zone out sometimes, how you sit just a little further from him on the couch in the evening, how you cling onto him almost desperately at night.

He’s been too afraid to ask before. Andrew is beyond worried. He’s freaking terrified. Maybe you have someone else, maybe you’ve realised his lifestyle is unbearable, maybe you don’t love him anymore…

“Baby…”

Your voice is shaking as you speak, but he doesn’t let go. Instead, he gets up, takes a step closer, lets out a shaky breath out of relief when you don’t move away again.

He’s still baby, it has to mean something, right? He never wants to be anything for you but baby, love, honey, darling… He doesn’t want to be back to Andy, doesn’t want the stranger that Andrew has become on your lips.

He takes both of your hands now, holds them tight, clings onto them like hope.

“I know something’s off with you. I’ve been feeling it, lately,” he speaks softly, his voice fragile and deep. “If you tell me what it is, I’ll fix it. Did I do something wrong?”

But you shake your head.

“Christ, love… no, it’s not you. You’ve done nothing wrong.”

“Why are you acting weird, then? Why are you sad? Why are you saying there’s something wrong about us?”

“There’s nothing wrong about our relationship, I’m just… I don’t know…”

You heave a sigh, look up at him again, at last.

“I’m freaking out.”

“About what?”

“About… your fans.”

He frowns, taken aback. He knows what you mean, though, he’s far from stupid. Still, he doesn’t know what to say now.

“Did… did someone harass you? Did people online harass you?”

“No… no, they haven’t. I don’t reckon that anyone knows about you and me.”

He heaves a relieved sigh, but your gaze only saddens.

“But what will happen when they find out? When the world finds out? When I can’t go online anymore because I keep receiving hate and threats? When I can’t live my life as normal because of your career?”

You don’t like the accusation you throw at him, the way you say it’s his fault, when it isn’t. But then it’s not yours either, then who’s to blame?

He clenches his jaw.

“We can figure things out. No one knows for now, we’re not there yet…”

“No, not yet. But eventually, we will… and what then? What will happen then? What’s the plan? What will you do about it? And what if… what if I’m not ready to brace against that earthquake? What if I can’t cope with it? What if I don’t want to have to cope with it?”

He searches through your stare for a glimmer of hope, but he only finds doubt, and his heart drops.

He can’t say it. What will happen if you don’t want to choose him. He can’t say it out loud. And if you do speak those words, he knows that the proper thing to do is to take it in, to accept it. It’s your choice. It’s a lot to ask to another person, and you’re right, he won’t be able to do much about all of this shitshow if it comes to that, he would understand if you wanted to leave. What he should do then is try to make you weigh the pros and the cons, argue with you and try to find a solution, and then let you go with dignity if you decide he’s not worth that risk.

But he knows what he will actually do if you say it out loud. He’ll panic. He’ll start crying. He’ll beg. He’ll throw all self-respect out the window and will do anything to make you stay. He’ll drop to his knees if he has to, he doesn’t care, doesn’t give a shit about his ego…

You’re pulling your hands out of his grasp, but he tightens his hold. He can’t let you go…

If you don’t want to cope with it…

… then you’ll break up with me.

“Y/N… we can find a way out of this.”

“There’s no solution! If people find out, they’ll get crazy and I’m terrified of the violence that could come my way! But what’s the other option? Hiding forever? One day or another, people are going to put two plus two together…”

“We’ll face that storm together.”

“I don’t think I’m strong enough for that.”

“Of course, you are. We’ll just go offline while it soothes down…”

“What if it doesn’t…”

“It will. It’s just stupid people talking shit. They’ll lose interest.”

“After dissecting my entire life!”

He blinks, not quite ready to admit defeat, but there’s no answer to be given to your doubts, no reassurance to your fear.

“All I can do is promise you that I’ll do anything I can to protect you. That I’ll be here, by your side. That we’ll go through this together. I can’t control what people do…”

“I know.”

“You… you have to be the one to decide whether or not I’m worth enduring this. I can’t choose that for you.”

You start crying then, and Andrew knows he’s not far behind, feeling the prickling of tears at the corner of his eyes.

“I’ll make it worth it… I’ll do anything to make it worth it,” he adds, his voice pleading already.

One word, and he’ll fall to his knees…

But you shake your head, and whisper something about all this being wrong. The next second you’re in his arms, holding him so tight he can barely breathe.

“I’m sorry, I’m freaking out,” you whisper.

“It’s alright. Just… please, stay. We can survive this. I know we can. I love you so fucking much…”

“I love you, too.”

“Please, don’t leave me…”

You shake your head, hold him even tighter.

“I don’t want to. I love you.”

He closes his eyes in relief, holds you tight.

“For now, we can keep a low profile. We can still keep this to ourselves, protect our privacy. You know I won’t give anyone details about us…”

“I know…”

“And if things come out, we’ll figure something out. We’ll have to. We’ll have to, because I love you too much to lose you.”

You’re still scared when you nod, but Andrew’s right. You don’t have a choice. You’ll have to cross that bridge when you come to it. Because you love him too much for anything else to be possible.

“I love you too, baby.”

[phoebastria-albatrus]

i need to make a post on why i draw 3/4 of the pd nonwhite can i trust the jrwi fandom 2 be normal. awesome. lots of posts today lesgo (this got really long so under the cut)

vyncent is like canonically vaguely asian whatever the fuck that means but he is just generically mixed SEAsian king 2 me. he cannot name any part of his heritage and he’s real 4 that. anyhoo. i think his actual like straight up immigrant allegory is smth more people should think about!!! people are thinking your weird for not knowing what something is??? holy fuck!!! social fumbles??? fuck!!! yeah!! anyway. and the assumption of a dumb immigrant and how people perceive him as that and are actually confused when he can stand his ground and say stop talking at me. yeah. anyway asian king and the feeling of being stuck in someone’s perception of you is something imma bring up w dakota too so.

dakota. yeah. i usually draw him Black or mixed and i think this is important regarding his backstoryyyyy. poc and esp Black families aren’t given the same support sometimes in grieving and that Can lead to drug abuse moreoften so. that happens with alaska. and dakota is in this place of i need to be strong because people will pick on me if im weak and alaska needs me. that’s basically canon but boy if you imagine it in a poc way. 100 damage. so you look outwardly strong to everyone else but like!! you’re just a kid!!! and adultification!! ur a 16 year old boy and you just want to be silly!!! and then people still see you like this and you think but that’s not me!!! but you can’t drop this now either. so you’re stuck between being seen as weird by white peers and weak by poc peers.

mixed latina-white for our girl ashe and it Is important that she doesn’t remember anything she might’ve learned from her mother. her brain made space for the demon language by shoving out her other language or smth. but yeah so you kill your mother and a couple years later you realise oh, i have nothing from my culture and my father can’t help me with this. he doesn’t know how to help keep my hair healthy or what those words mean or how to throw a quince. so ashe spends her time in online school clubs and internet forums but somethings still missing. she finds tutorials for her hair and starts doing language courses but there’s still Something missing. because she’s being taught this by someone she doesn’t know or who’s just a face behind a screen and. yeah. the disconnect from her culture is something vyncent Kind of gets but she’s alone in this. so yeah ashe is someone who became moreeee. timid. in physical spaces. to keep eyes off of her and not dissect whatever is wrong with her. why she doesn’t pronounce that correctly or why she walks around with a white father.

anyway. thats it. dont kill me.

[emma-is-swaggy-and-epic]

Happy valentine's day, i've been getting into sonic.exe lately so here's my rendition of an amy.exe

Watch the SPEEDpaint here!!! [LINK]

LORE UNDER THE CUT!!! (CW: mentions of gore and unreality...kinda, there's a TLDR at the end)

A few years after sonic CD was released, a strange cartridge for the game was created. Seemingly: the game had a mind of it's own; with it having strange anomalies such as aggressively telling players to stop controlling sonic after playing through the first few levels, weird reddish blobs of pixels could be seen in the background that look almost like gore to some people (though what they actually are is unclear due to them being few and far between and seem to be slightly obscured by various background elements) and a notable lack of other characters or enemies. Strangely though, the most well known anomaly related to this version of the game is an unusually distorted version of amy rose; as the years went by and the game became more accessable to the public via online emulators, many have reported her appearence changing more and more as time went on. When the cartridge was first discovered: her design mostly stayed true to her original, classic look though as years went by, she started looking more similar to her modern design (more notably so after rips of the game were posted to the internet). Occasionally, the altered version of amy would appear mid-gameplay and deliver threatening messages to the player about how she hates them, how they're getting in her way, etc. When played using an emulator, the game is known to install viruses onto whatever device the player is using in that moment. When the game was ripped, it was revealed that the name of the file was simply "phantom.exe"

What nobody knows about this version of the game, is that the cartridge was special in the sense that the world inside it was sentient; unlike the other versions of sonic CD: this specific cartridge had contained the actual classic sonic universe as a whole and the game was just a front, almost like another dimension that you cannot enter. All of the anomalies listed were the result of a strange event within the universe; with amy coming across the phantom ruby and it corrupting her, causing her to become a murderous fiend with a jealousy problem. Due to the unstable nature of an entire universe existing within such a tiny object like a game cartridge: amy has become aware of the fact that she is in a video game and is immensely jealous of the player for controlling sonic, although due to them living in another universe, she knows she cannot harm them so she just installs viruses onto their computer instead. After the game was ripped onto the internet and was exposed to a more modern culture than one from the 90's, amy's design and mannerisms slowly became more similar to that of the version of her in modern sonic games.

TLDR: there exists a version of sonic CD where the classic sonic universe just....EXISTS inside it (like the actual one, not just a game) and in that version of the universe: amy found the phantom ruby, it corrupted her and now she's a yandere and the game is now fucked up. Also amy is aware she's in a game and is jealous of the player for controlling sonic so she puts viruses on people's computers

In all honesty, i kinda just had two different ideas for what i wanted this to be. I wanted to make an EXE that is SOLELY self-contained and doesn't involve evil world-destroying gods possessing video games and entrapping souls like most EXEs i've seen (some of my favorite EXE/sonic horror AUs are starved eggman and sink sonic BECAUSE of this subversion) but at the same time: i was VERY married (no pun intended) to the idea of taking inspiration from old loveletter computer viruses and the whole haunted game schtick so i tried to mash them together as best i could, resulting in a sort of doki doki literature club/undertale-esque AU for lack of a better description. While yes, i am aware that yandere!amy rose isn't exactly an ORIGINAL idea (hell, i saw a fairly popular fanfiction called "amy.exe" with that EXACT premise) i mean.....i was (unfortunately) a yandere simulator fan as a kid so i kinda have a soft spot for yanderes, y'know? Besides, what else could you do with amy? You could probably do something with the fact she's into tarot cards but that'd probably get culturally insensitive REAL fast...

If i'm being completely honest, i only threw in the "amy's design and mannerisms changing due to being exposed to the internet" thing because i like amy's modern design more than her classic design and i wanted an excuse to make something based on it lol. Speaking of which: i actually had a tough time getting the preportions right on this, i've drawn sonic characters before and i usually have a tough time with the preportions since the sonic artstyle is so much different than mine and y'know....if the characters aren't drawn in a style that looks even VAGUELY like the sonic artstyle than it's just NOT a sonic character!!! (Also fun fact: amy's design in this is vaguely modeled after a creepy haunted doll bc i LOVE those things)

While doing research for this AU i realized i actually know a lot less about sonic lore than i thought lol, this is my first REAL attempt at writing horror so i hope it's not TOO terrible!!! (And, more importantly, that this makes sense to anyone who ISN'T me) anyway....again, happy valentine's day!!!

[itsprashimusic]

So fucking happy honestly. Limiting my time on social media has been so needed.

Normally after races I would scroll on instagram and naturally go to the comments under posts of meme pages and other f1 related accounts. The amount of hate I would see and read was a lot. Scrolling on tumblr after a grand prix was like a game of russian roulette, wondering if the next post would be negative or positive. I started believing in opinions that I never thought of. I started disliking drivers I had no problem with. For the first time in years my mental health started to deteriorate.

That's when I realised I had to take a step back.

After races I avoided comment sections. I'd stick to Mclaren and Lando's posts. I unfollowed meme accounts who posted hate just because it was trendy, just because they knew it was popular and would get engagement. I blocked the "anti" tag on tumblr (e.g. anti lando norris) and other tags i didn't want to see. I started following accounts who genuinely love the sport and rescept all drivers, even if they dislike some, because that is what I believe in. I don't like Leclerc and I am not a fan of Russell but at the end of the day I can still say they drove well while critiquing their mistakes and appreciating their skills. I believe that is how all sports fans should be, have their favourites without feeling the need to being other drivers down by posting their unwanted "opinion" on the internet.

I found a healthy way to air my frustrations with the sport, the drivers and the teams. A penalty that shouldn't have been given, a strategy that fucked with a driver's race, something that should have been penalised. Talking to my sister instead of flocking off to my online friends or spending 30 minutes explaining to my mom why I was so upset about Lando's stop and go penalty in Qatar instead of typing out an amger-filled comment under a random post. Finding what works for me as a fan, is what keeps my mental health good.

Being so negative online has become normalized to a point people don't even realise they are getting affected. If an athlete's mental health gets so affected by the 5% to 10% they see online, imagine the fans who see way more because they are among the other "fans" who post negative content regarding their favourite player or racer.

Seeing Lando smile makes me smile. My mood gets lifted when I see he is happy. Seeing people constantly say negative things about him and praise his teammate in the same sentence made me develop this weird type of disdain for him. And I don't like it. I really do love Oscar, but seeing posts and comments like that started to unconsciously shift my views on him. Pulling back has helped and I am starting to love this sport like I did this time last year.

This is a reminder, you don't have to be online and share your thoughts just because everyone is. It is ok to not be active. It is completely normal. Enjoy the race, scream at your screen in frustration, vent to your poor friend about how unfair the FIA is, but please remember, you are not a true fan of this sport if you cannot respect the people in it, as drivers or even humans. It is ok to dislike, but you can still respect. Hating is not a flex, it just highlights the immaturity in an insecure person.

P1 IN MONACO BABY, YEAH BABYYYYYYYYY

[colourstreakgryffin]

If you take Request for Stories / One-Shots, what about Velvette finds a lost Demon Child took it in and now has to deal with not only a very clingly toddler but also two Vee Uncles who annoy her with Ideas of making more Power and a good Name Image for the Vees newest Member? ^^

Haha. Awww. A solo Velvette as basically a ‘Mom’. I mean, I did do Dad Vox and Dad Valentino. Why not end it with Vel. Alrighty! Let’s try this out, shall we?

Velvette- Hourly Craze

Velvette’s a social media-obsessed teenager at the depths of her soul so when she finds a lost tiny demon toddler in her disposable ‘fashion’ bin, she was holding you out in front of her and going around asking ‘who’s baby is this?’. She doesn’t like babies!

Eventually, Velvette has to bring the baby… being you, into the Vees Tower and almost begged Vox and/or Valentino to take you instead but both decline rather quickly, leaving her STUCK with this brat! She was so pissed

So, when Velvette brought you back to her personal tower with how unhappy she is over this problem she’s in, she just threw you at her crowd of shaky employees hastily and ordered them to look after you. Continuing on, still on her phone and not caring

Although, Velvette begins to feel weird… very weird. She doesn’t get why but she is thinking about you, thinking about where you are. How you feel, what you’re doing or what you’re in but she tries and does well to ignore it

Velvette, after a few days, ends up way too frustrated with her own thoughts and wonder, to ignore them anymore so she finds whichever one of her employees that have you and demand you back. She doesn’t know what to do but she’s taking you anyway

Velvette, by the time she has you back, doesn’t know what to do with a infant so she struggles on how to look after you, even how to feed you so she has to rely on internet and social media and frequent calls to her friends on how to figure this out

Velvette struggles to adapt to your routines. Why are you always waking up SO early in the morning?! She gets so mad but then again, she looks at your face as she picks you up and her heart melts and she calms down instantly then this repeats

Velvette gets puffy a lot when you don’t eat your food or wonder out of your room but it’s because she has no experience with children but whenever she yells at you for annoying her, she instantly regrets it and apologises over and over and hugs you as you cry in her arms

Velvette cannot say she loves you but she doesn’t necessarily hate you either. She just kinda is now passively dealing with you, yet, she hates anybody else being near you nor even touching you so her relationship with this little toddler called you is a bit complicated

Velvette is always just a bit alarmed when she finds you clung onto her. She doesn’t know why you love her so much but than again, she appreciates it and has grown to like it too much to just stop it as whilst she has to half limp around to do her duties, it’s because you’re clung on her leg

Velvette will totally raise you as a iPad baby but she is also the same type to filter the shit out of the internet access so you’ll never ever find anything bad and if you do, she’ll force Vox to make a heavily modified tech piece for you to keep you safe from internet dangers

Velvette has grown more and more to liking you. She is not the best caretaker mother ever but she does actually try yet she isn’t that competent, however, she has her employees and her phone to help satisfy your needs better

Velvette likes to dress you up, put you adorable little outfits she either makes for her latest fashion lines or a piece of her own style that’s a direct copy, to fit you perfectly so you match her. She finds it pretty cute and she can’t help but takes pictures of whatever she dresses you in then shows it to her employees as a ‘learning’ moment since you rock the look better

Yes, Velvette does take pictures of you and posts them on her Voxtagram and many other social media platforms as she is quite proud of how cute and precious you are. You’re the cutest toddler in Hell and she wants everybody to know you’re hers!

Velvette gets quite pissy at Vox and Valentino for bothering her about you. Just leave you alone and trust me, she isn’t gonna be quiet about those feelings, she doesn’t like it when they even try to mention that raising you to be the next Vee would help raise more power. That isn’t happening

Velvette will absolutely name you something staring with ‘V’, such as ‘Vance’ or ‘Vienna’ or ‘Vernee’ as soon as she can. She just thinks ‘V’ fits you much better

Velvette may not know what she feels but she loves you, she really does love you. She is kinda rocky with caring for you but she is trying her best

“Babycakes! Come here! Yes! Look at the phone, come to the phone! Come to Momette! Good bubba! You’re doing it! Yes, this is perfect for my Voxtagram”

[katherinakaina]

I also need to add a bit of context to your very short bit about Zizians, @strange-aeons .

TLDR: Ziz left the rationalist community 6 years ago and even at the time she wasn’t liked there, the fact she managed to exploit. Her actions directly contradict both hpmor and what CFAR was doing and teaching. Her other affiliations that are no less relevant include being an anarchist and a vegan. You are not immune to cults just because you are not into any particular weird internet subculture.

Cults form from niche subcultures, that’s true enough. But any subculture can form a cult because any culture, even the mainstream one, contains some ideas that can be twisted to an insane degree. And any ideology, even the most niche and scary one, can be approached casually and sceptically. What is actually needed to create a cult is not a special ideology but a cult leader and vulnerable people to follow them. That is the main uniting quality between all cults. Trying to figure out what’s wrong with a certain music band or a certain fantasy book forum is an exercise in motivated reasoning. You will always end up finding something that's wrong.

The rationalist community was trying to prevent the formation of a cult as best as they could. Partly that’s the reason why people like Ziz and others with bad and unpopular takes were often tolerated longer than necessary. To encourage criticism and prevent getting stuck in a positive feedback loop. Because it’s not a high control group! You cannot be simultaneously mad that people are allowed to talk about wacky ideas on forums and also that the group is supposedly very rigid and controlled. Apparently, they could use some control. Not like it would actually stop an aspiring cult leader from recruiting, they’d just go some other place.

Zizians were not mostly trans by accident (what are the chances?). Ziz was recruiting the most vulnerable people who related to her and were willing to trust her (also because there’s a lot of trans women in the community, like a lot). She used their very real and grounded experience of discrimination to convince them that her not being liked is not due to her takes being bad but because she’s trans.

And she had a lot of takes, some of them not being popular enough you actually complained about. You criticised LessWrong for being too pro-capitalist for your taste and then started talking about the Really Bad rationalists and THEY ARE LEFTISTS killing landlords and cops.

Now if we are talking about ideologies that devalue human life, how about some that require actual Class War (guess what people do in wars) or violent mass uprisings? Or some that require assassinations of certain select individuals? How come you hear that there are people on forums discussing the ethics of murdering those directly responsible for destroying our planet and you, as a leftist, do not immediately recognize yourself in it? Nothing discussed on LessWrong is more violent than a communist revolution or even the killing of Brian Thompson.

Why being into rationality at some point and reading hpmor is the only thing you told about Ziz? I think I know why. All the right wingers really leaned into the whole ‘trans vegan cult’ thing. That is not a good look for our side, is it? How amazing would it be to find a scapegoat. Who cares about those AI safety freaks anyway? They are all cishet men anyway! All cishet men who somehow have an offshoot of violent vegan queers, that certainly adds up.

Ziz being a radical vegan* (another niche subculture) corresponds to her actions way better than anything that's discussed on LessWrong or happened in hpmor. In fact, there’s an exact scene you probably skipped. Harry is on a very important and dangerous mission with Quirrell and at some point he is told to hide while Quirrell duels a cop guard at magical Guantanamo Bay – a total pig and an absolute scum who Ziz would kill without a second thought. Harry does share her sentiment, he fucking hates Azkaban. But when Quirrell tries to kill the evil torture cop Harry instinctively protects him jeopardizing the entire mission. And it’s not a random scene. It starts the entire disillusionment spiral where Harry realizes his beloved groomer professor might be a bad guy. Murder of a bystander whose only crime is being a product of his society is not something Harry can tolerate. He does end up decapitating a bunch of actual death eaters in the very end (the bit you probably did read) to save his own life and defeat Voldemort and even then he regrets it and apologizes for it (despite it being the right thing to do and not even comparable to a random cop). There’s an entire scene where Harry bonds with Draco over their mother’s deaths where he expresses that every death is a tragedy, even deaths of very bad people (like Voldemort).

Not to mention the entire immortalism theme (did you skip the entire third book?). One cannot read hpmor and walk away thinking human life is worthless or only super geniuses deserve to live. Timeless decision theory leading to murdering people is not in there**, nothing in the fic even suggests such a conclusion. More about how you got most things wrong about hpmor here.

Let’s face it, those were a bunch of sleep deprived vulnerable people high on all sorts of radical ideas, who were kicked out of every decent movement and that’s why they slipped into a cult.

Any subculture can become a cult. If you ever read a boring preachy fanfic or ever went to a physical meeting with internet weirdos. If you ever felt rejected by mainstream society and went looking for ‘like-minded people’, for a ‘found family’, for a ‘place where you belong’. You are not safe. Touching grass from time to time is not enough. You have to never leave the pastures to be highly immune to cults. And that ain’t you, my friend. That’s none of us.

Previous post about rationalist community.

* Ever heard ‘veganism is the moral baseline’ (sometimes minimum or imperative)? That’s not a slander, it’s a commonplace argument and an actual slogan.

** The only use of timeless decision theory in hpmor is about being able to reliably cooperate with other well meaning people, not about killing anyone.