#Let Me go

[endlessmidnights]

I hate when people say suicide is the easy way out, they have no idea the pain you must be in to want to end your own life

[xoxochb]

“are you with me?”

no bruh I’m thinking about camp half-blood 😕

[lisbeth-kk]

Sherlock fandom

Powerless Against Affection

It never occurred to me how similar John and I were as children. Not until he told me his story. He was obviously not as quirky as me, but we had one particular thing in common – our need for closeness and touch.  

For him, it had been his aunt, for me my grandmother. I’m sure a psychoanalyst will have a field day picking that addiction apart.

Anyway.

My parents never showed open affection. Not toward me, nor my brother. Our grandmother did. She would let me sit in her lap for hours, just resting my head on her shoulder, patting her arm or hand, while she held me secure in place. Sometimes, she talked to whoever was present, watched telly, or read me a story. Everyone told me I was too old to cling to her like a toddler. She told them, in no uncertain terms, to shut it. Her tongue was widely known to be poisonous if she felt attacked or treated unfairly. She was fiercely protective of me, and I cried myself to sleep for weeks after she passed when I was seven.

John’s aunt had been his safe haven when his parents fought. She lived only five minutes from their flat, and she worked from home as an author. Her door was always open, and when he came crying to her, retelling what he’d seen back home, she made him tea, and let him rest his head in her lap while she typed on her typewriter.

When John was nine, his aunt got engaged to be married. Her fiancé didn’t approve of the relationship between her and her nephew, and wanted her to stop seeing him, or at least stop letting the boy lie in her lap. It was indecent, he claimed.

According to John, she did protest, but in the end she relented.

“Let me go, John,” was the last words she said to him.

He never visited her again. 

John learned his lesson, strengthened his heart, moved on. I was not that clever. Not then.

***

I got infatuated alarmingly fast. In the beginning, it was nothing romantic about it. If a teacher or a neighbour, paid me enough friendly attention, I was lost to this world. I did anything to get the tiniest glimpse of them, a kind word, or an affectionate touch to my hair, shoulder, or upper arm. 

Back then, my entire demeanour was like an open book. I had no boundaries and loved openly. Of course, my peers picked up on it, tormented me, threatened to expose me. I spent hours in front of the mirror rehearsing an impenetrable expression. It obviously worked. In theory. Out in the open – not so much.

***

For years, I tried to protect my heart, but then, one sunny September day, the new boy arrived at Cambridge University. Victor Trevor. 

He looked like a Greek god with his golden locks, green eyes with honey-coloured specks, and an athletic body.

We were of similar height, but I didn’t eat much, and was thin and fragile compared to his muscular frame. To me, Victor seemed untouchable, way out of my league. But just like John, he surprised me. 

He was endlessly fascinated by my experiments, the cruel deductions I let spill whenever my classmates mocked me, called me freak.

“You sure told Sebastian,” he laughed heartily.

I loved his laughter, and tried to coax it out of him as often as I could.

When we had sex the first time, I thought I could die happily. Victor was both passionate and caring. It was not a one-sided relationship. He gave as good as he got. In the beginning.

“Damn, you’re so clingy and needy, Sherl,” he started to complain when I didn’t want him to leave the bed. “I have other obligations, you know.”

I tried my best not to feel hurt by that and failed spectacularly.

It got better when he introduced me to drugs. They helped me to cope with the heartbreak. Victor told me he needed more. 

“I’m too young to be exclusive, yet. You can fuck other blokes if you like as well. Experiment. Get experienced. That’s what uni is about, yeah.”

When I tried to protest and told him he was my one and only, he just laughed at me. Idiot that I was, I clung to him when he broke up with me.

“Let me go! You’re suffocating me, Sherl. Get a grip. And a life.”

***

After that, I wandered alone, didn’t let anybody near me. I created a new persona. 

A well-functioning sociopath.

For years, everyone believed me. 

Until John.

I hadn’t been this fascinated, ever. Not even Victor came close to the impact John had on me from the moment he entered that lab at Barts.

Of course, I couldn’t help myself; I had to interact with him. My deductions were meant to make him run away screaming. When he didn’t, my fascination grew. I interrogated Mike about him, but he didn’t know much. 

“John is a private person, Sherlock. Even when inebriated, or drunk beyond measure, he never let his façade falter. It’s bloody impressive. This is a mystery you have to solve on your own.”

I was determined to do just that. After all, how difficult could it be? I had deduced him correctly after mere seconds in his presence. The rest should be child’s play.

I had never been more wrong in my entire life.

***

“What are you thinking about, love?”

John’s voice is soft. His fingers are carding through my hair. It makes me pliant, lazy, and utterly content. But it only takes seconds for those emotions to turn to arousal and want; if he just grabs a little harder, tugs just so, I’ll be writhing with lust. He is a sorcerer, an indicator of why he got the nickname, Three Continents Watson.

“No more of that,” he always says when I bring it up. “I’m all yours now.”

“What if you want to be rid of me?” I ask, needing the reassurance he’ll instantly give me.

“I will never ask you to let me go, my darling. You are my entire world. My precious boy. I love you. This is forever.”

“You really mean that,” I reply.

“I do. You don’t have to question that. But I will always dispel your fears. Just ask me.”

***

John has kept his promise, and for each year, I have felt more at rest. His patience with me is unprecedented. 

“You have been hurt and abandoned so many times, Sherlock. Your tender and big heart doesn’t have the ability to harden the way mine has, or had, to be precise. It would splinter if you asked me to leave you.”

“We both know that will never happen, John.”

“I know, my love. This is forever.”

“Forever,” I agree.

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[bags-of-regret]

Thinking about how long both Stans were alone for. Stanley trying and failing to not be alone while Ford pushed everyone away. How everything would be different if they just always had each other. It all came to an end with Dipper and Mabel omg sedate me

[sharkpines]

FREE ME

[denako]

Don't cry because it's scarianover, be happy because it scarianeppened :3

[arosetolivefor]

[pointmetotheundertow]

"Where were you when I was lonesome?

Locked away with freezing cold

Someone flying, only stolen

I can't tell, this night's so old

I don't wanna swim the ocean

I don't wanna fight the tide

I don't wanna swim forever

When it's cold I'd like to die"

[lumieveeeldee]

I am living breathing proof that the fixation you have as a preteen/early teen permanently alters the trajectory of your life because hey!! It’s been almost nine years!!! What the fuck am I still doing here

[virx2not]

Our lovely Nightmare (I'm still alive)

[beetlejuice-fan-zone]

I can’t wait to get to the waiting room

Hopefully they will just send me right to the 8:35 🤞🏼

[endlessmidnights]

Is there a way to make it so I never existed?

[wtv-my-current-hyperfixation]

The chokehold that this man has on my brain good god

[smootherthanastorm]

day 3 in the worst meeting ever. send help

[weirdly-specific-but-ok]

ffs all I wanted to do was listen to music and take a nap and be offline but NOOOO WHAT'S THE FIRST SONG ON MY SPOTIFY PLAYLIST? EAST OF EDEN BY ZELLA DAY.

"Be my friend, surround me like a satellite."

"The record spins, down the alley late night..."

"Running in the dark to find East of Eden."

"If I wanted to stay, you don't mind, you're a true believer."

JUST LET ME SLEEP, BRAINROT, LET YOUR MASCOT HAVE ONE FUCKING MOMENT WHERE HE'S NOT HYPERFIXATING ON YOU IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK OF YOU, GOOD OMENS????????

[l0vehandles]

please