#and sometimes a headmate who *knows* how to handle the emotion will help me. will examples make this easier to understand?

[the-trans-dragon]

Genuine question for people who don't have DID:

When you have an emotion you can't handle at the moment, and you need it to go away, *what* do you do with it? Where does it go??

[space-station-collective]

some of the less pretty parts of plurality

we talk a lot on this blog about the funny or nice parts of being plural, but there's also a lot of bad shit that can come with it. it's not all good, just like it's not all bad. it just is! sometimes, seeing posts like this makes us feel a little better, knowing we aren't alone in these struggles and seeing other people who have come through it, so, here's this

this is going to require a lot of me being vulnerable on the internet lmao

everything is going under a cut, and i'm marking applicable TW and CWs here as well as in the tags. i tried to keep it as light as possible (if there's any tags i missed, PLEASE do let me know and i'll add them ASAP /gen)

(this is also quite a long post, under the cut the word count is: 437)

WARNINGS: addiction mentions, physical illness, exotrauma mentions

-) developing an addiction/dependency that everyone has to manage, due to one headmate's actions

-) trying to collectively recover from addiction when not everyone wants to, and some headmates actively working against the progress and goals

-) more specifically, having to maintain a clean streak for everyone, not just one individual. not just yourself. we have an agreement- we stick together with this stuff

-) headmates who actively dislike people we know, and generally collectively like, and having to manage and ignore secondhand emotions towards those people when the headmates in question are around (not to say, ignoring how those headmates feel about people, but moreso not letting the emotions bleed through into our own interactions)

-) panicking because your job directly relates to helping other headmates, and despite your best efforts, things keep getting worse (not directly applicable to me who is writing this -host)

-) having to agree with headmates, who have done nothing wrong, that they can't be around front, because they're symptom holders, and the body is ill enough all the time that we physically can't handle them fronting

-) fighting. constant fighting. i can't think of a day since our syscovery that there hasn't been some sort of fight, argument, breakdown, violence, some sort of incident internally

-) so many headmates with so much exotrauma. some of their triggers have bled into our collective triggers, and holy shit is it hard to explain thost to people who don't understand exomemories, or even who don't know about the system

-) having to watch littles who are far too young for any of this experience this whole ordeal

-) "Atlantis" by Seafret. it's about an extremely different topic, but the lyrics hit home. "i can't save us, my atlantis, we fall. we built this town on shaky ground." because holy fuck, it feels that way sometimes

several of these things are now managed, several are not. being human is a weird, messy, fucked up experience, and when you shove a bunch of consciousnesses into one human body, it gets even more convoluted

whoever you are, whatever reason you might have for reading this: i love you. you are not alone in your struggles. you have support from so many places, and you will get through whatever you're currently experiencing, be it so simple as your favourite pencil breaking, all the way to personal tragedy. you are loved

-the host (he/they), expressing thoughts of the collective

(scheduling this to post outside of the queue because our content is usually much more lighthearted than this and i don't want to take up a spot for that)

[the-otherspace]

Origin of the Selves: How My Headmates Came to Be

I am the host of a system of three - there's me (Stormy), Austin, and Avery. My two headmates feel like they've been with me longer than I can remember, but they both came about at entirely different times in my life. I would say that they came into existence to meet specific types of emotional and mental needs. I call myself “traumagenic” as a simple way to explain where I fall within the fabricated endogenic-to-traumagenic spectrum, but my system’s origin goes a lot deeper than what a single label can encompass. I think the existence of my system should be seen more as something created in parts, at various points in my life, to fill an empty space that trauma and stress caused.

Austin was the first headmate and was probably the host before I came around, or at least that's what we vaguely remember. He's headstrong and will always tell it like it is, which makes him a great and annoying protector for the system. Growing up, he was the ladies’ man and stubborn as can be, not usually inclined to change his mind about a topic he staunchly believes in. As such, he wasn't the best at making friends which meant that we, as a system, didn't have many friends. I think a lot of his frustration came from not being understood or even recognized.

If Austin was the “original”, then I don’t think he came around as a way to fill any sort of need or to respond to a type of trauma. From what I can remember, he was the one who split into multiple parts - myself being one of those parts. It’s scary to think that I am the host now and that I only exist because this system exists, and it sure does cause some existential crises from time to time.

At some point, I think there was a shattering of our “self”-ness and suddenly, Austin was not in control and instead, I became the host. This might have been around 2009 or 2010. I don’t know where I had been before that, but maybe I existed as a whisper in the background before piloting this body became my problem, or maybe I was newly created as a headmate for Austin. Austin, after this switch, seemed to fade out of existence as we (or, “the body”) grew up. I noticed a dramatic shift in my personality and mannerisms as a result of the host change.

When I finally realized Austin even existed in the first place (around 2017) and had apparently existed for a long time without me realizing it, I attempted to demonize him and treat him like an enemy. I wanted to shut him out because he was the link between myself and my bad past, which I was trying to erase. He reminded me too much of who I used to be, probably because we had switched places almost seamlessly. He was the antithesis to my own personality - abrasive, stuck in his own ways, and extroverted in a way I could never be. It was only when my curiosity got the best of me and I reached out to talk to him that I really got to know him as a person. He meant no harm, but it wasn’t easy to tell from the outside! I imagine a lot of people feel this way about who they might perceive as more of a persecutor than a protector - and trust me, the line tends to blur sometimes.

Avery, on the other hand, represents child-like wonder, positivity, and care - though she can also be very anxious in some situations. She is the mediator of the system, helping calm tumultuous disagreements between myself and Austin or offering advice when we feel lost. I can’t remember when she showed up, but she definitely introduced herself to me after Austin did. She saw that the system seemed strained by disagreements between myself and our protector, so she likely appeared because we needed her. She is the gentle word of advice and support that we rarely ever question, because her way of handling situations is always very levelheaded and patient - traits that neither Austin nor I have.

I think, whether voluntarily or involuntarily, system members are meant to fill a role or need in our lives. Systemhood is typically about surviving, adapting, or protecting depending on its origin. Some of us need these headmates as a way to cope with trauma, while others may simply need some companions in their lives. This is why I don’t typically care to use specific system origin labels for myself, but “traumagenic” is just the easiest word to sum up my experience. We can’t always remember where we came from or when, because sometimes we just blur together, but we do know that we need to exist for various reasons.

[catboytenya]

Just asking out of curiosity, but what's it like being a system?

it's different for everyone but for me it has its ups and downs, a lot of headaches, a lot of gaps in memory

(rest under a readmore! i rambled!)

but i appreciate the people in my system a lot, my headmates do things i can't do for me, like cleaning my room or dealing with intense emotions!

i don't really have a "headspace" like other systems (i think this is because i lack the ability to really visualize at all)

i don't have really great system communication, like i can't go "i want to talk to Rusty lemme go sit and chat with the guy" and go have a conversation with him, but sometimes i hear like. bits of conversation in the far back of my brain? once heard something like "sounds like a nosebleed" "*inaudible*" "THAT CAN BLEED?" with ZERO context at ALL and i never ever got the context or know anything about it or who it was having the conversation

it's a lot of leaving notes for each other and forgetting anyway 😭 i have a whiteboard above my bed for reminders, and i have a notebook that i keep things like feeding dates and shedding dates for my snake otherwise we'll over or under feed him thinking someone else didn't feed him yet or has already fed him

sometimes, i doubt myself and the validity of my own system, because that just kinda comes with mental disorders in general, y'know? and then i remember that time Eijiro had a full blown sobbing mental breakdown once because he convinced himself that he's our partner's least favorite in the system just out of his own self consciousness and paranoia, the next day someone else was fronting, completely fine, unbothered, in his own lane, ect ect, and it's like, moments like that you're like. there is not singlet explanation for this.

ALSO something that's not talked about much is that sometimes. you don't know who the FUCK you are. you're going through the list in your head like do any of these fit?? who am i?? and you genuinely Don't Know Who You Are and you have to rely on things like likes and dislikes and things to narrow it down (or phantom limbs, if you get them, and if they apply)

SPEAKING of likes and dislikes?? to this day i don't know how it works but foods will taste completely differently when other people are fronting. Oboro HATES snacky cakes and will literally gag over trying to eat them. i (katsuki) can't stand most chocolate unless it's really good milk or white or has almonds in it. things like that. i really don't know how that works but it's really weird??? if anyone knows how that works i'd love an explanation or perhaps an article or study to read

also due to the nature of systems (developing to help the host with things they can't do or handle on their own) a lot of the people in my system don't have phobias that the host or rest of the system does, and some of them formed explicitly to deal with things like that. we have a Himiko and she's the only one in the system who can stand looking at blood/gore/injuries, the rest of us can't stand any form of those and will react viscerally to it

also i have learned from experience to be careful getting into a new media/interest because there is a nonzero chance someone will move into your brain and they will not leave or pay rent. i had a fever, binge watched the bendy games, like, 7 play throughs of each. and guess fucking what! ink demon in the brain. standing there. menacingly. (he's polite tho and actually really helpful at keeping the system somewhat in order)

also on the topic of fictives it's really funny seeing the variety in them especially compared to their sources because they're very rarely carbon copies of their source characters. our shadow (the hedgehog) and tenko are littles, for example! and we technically have two katsukis that are completely different, only thing we share are our source and name

i hope that kinda answered your question?? feel free to ask more specific ones if you'd like i kinda rambled

[the-indigo-symphony]

Hello, I'm a questioning median(?) looking for advice if that's alright. Sometimes a voice in my head will start repeating short words or phrases over and over (common ones including "i love you", "i hate you", "i hate myself", "what if i died", and "stay away from me"), which I call "echo" or "the echoes".

They often appear when I'm feeling guilt or shame or remembering something uncomfortable. They're somewhat overwhelming but sometimes seem to be trying to communicate something?

The main problem is I don't know if the echoes are intrusive thoughts, coming from myself, are a separate person (or people ?) of some kind, or something else entirely, which makes it difficult to figure out how to respond to them, and my thoughts often get a bit muddy if i try.

addendum to last ask about the echoes: other common phrases are "kill", "I'm sorry", "it's okay" and "normal" and they sometimes feel like they're trying to talk over whatever memory or train of thought I'm having, or to cut it off.

Hm... this sounds more like intrusive thoughts than internal communication to me, but there's a chance it could be other headmates trying to talk, especially if you consider the possibility that your thoughts "getting muddy" when you try to figure things out could be dissociation (like how some systems report experiencing it whenever they get too close to discovering their plurality). We have some headmates who often mimic intrusive thoughts, so I know just how difficult it can be to tell the difference between the two.

Unfortunately, I can't say for certain one way or the other. But whichever one it is, it may help if you take a moment to acknowledge the thoughts, even if it's just a "Yes, I hear you, but I'm busy with something else right now." For headmates, you're acknowledging their presence and attempts to communicate, which will help establish a basis for any further communication and growth. For intrusive thoughts, it can help to face them head-on; by accepting them and then letting them go, you can reduce the effect they have on you. The best way I can describe how it works for us is that... it's like holding something that bothers you, identifying and saying what it is that bothers you about it, and then putting it down and consciously deciding that you won't let it affect your whole day. Which can be easier said than done, I admit, but building a habit of it can make it easier to accomplish.

Occasionally, this method can cause some hiccups with developing internal communication, since it does require shutting down a lot of potential conversations rather than letting them play out, but I've yet to find a better method for dealing with both possibilities.

If it does turn out to be headmates, or if you have other reasons to suspect that these echoes are headmates, then I'd recommend taking things slow. As mentioned above, your thoughts "getting muddy" could be dissociation, which in this case could be an indicator that you're not ready (or at least, your brain or headmates don't think you're ready) to start unpacking your plurality yet. So, if you choose to explore the possibility of systemhood further, be careful and take care of yourself, okay? Don't rush things, don't push too hard for answers, take your time in figuring things out, and check in with yourself every once in a while to see if you're doing okay. Discovering you're a system can be a draining and emotional time – and even if you turn out not to be one, questioning is its own quest to handle, so it's best to take pit stops along the way.

I hope this helps!

[protectingtulpas]

So is a tulpa/tulpa system like something you manifest out of loneliness as a kid? Is it developed through maladaptive daydreaming? How do you know you're not controlling it anymore? And does trauma not play a role in this at all, like is it the result of childhood creative outlet?

The reason I ask is because I used to do a lot of maladaptive daydreaming as a child, and I didn't feel like I had alters then. But I felt like I had emotional parts when I hit puberty. Now I feel like I may or may not have some sort of dissociative disorder, but I have a significant portion of characters/fictives, but I also have other parts that come from somewhere else. And I'm not sure if I developed this system on my own or if it happened as a result of childhood trauma.

These are genuine questions, of course you don't have to answer, but I really think you might be able to help me a bit.

Heyo! That's a lotta questions! Lemme see if I can sort em out for ya /lh

- It's pretty common for tulpas to be made cuz the host is lonely, but that's not the only way they can happen, and it doesn't have to be as a kid! Tulpas can be made at (pretty much) any age for any reason, with enough dedication. A good chunk of the accidental tulpa community started out being imaginary friends that became sentient, tho!

- Plurality that comes from maladaptive daydreaming, neuronarration, etc tend to call themselves paragenic. A para is the term for a daydream character, and a parative is a system member that was originally a para in some kinda way.

- Trauma caaann play a role in tulpamancy, but it's not really common and not necessary at all. Sometimes hosts will be motivated to create a tulpa cuz of traumatizing reasons, but it's up to the tulpa themselves if they wanna consider emselves traumagenic or adjacent at all. It sounds like ya didn't push too hard for these headmates' creation- as accidental tulpa is defined as a tulpa created by somebody who went thru the tulpamancy process without realizing it. If you wanna figure out if your headmates are created in any way, I'd compare those experiences to other tulpa guides and stuff.

- If you want my armchair recc on where to start based on what it sounds like for your experiences tho, I'd check out along with the MaDD links above: median/midcontinuum systems (systems with facets), mixed systems, mixed origin systems, and OSDD. A good portion of our c-ptsd stems from living as autistic in a situation we can't handle but NTs could, so don't forget that what counts as trauma depends on how the mind processes it, not assumed "severity". Take time & research before self diagnosing. Don't forget fictives can come from any origin tho ✨✨

Pretty sure that covers it all- good luck figuring it out!!

[gorey]

it's really nice on a more serious note that we have these intrasystem relationships bc we (its two marriages - me and vince. virgil and victor. but all four of us are a thing together. and some other pairings of the less frequently fronting alters also exist) were literally made for each other the dynamics of these partnerships were cobbled together organically from what were once multiple sets of paired fictives and were in our development modeled on the deepest purest and most well-oiled visions of love that our developing self could find and we've only ever gotten better at it. all our dynamics with each other are unique and it allows us as a whole to still blossom in the aftermath of emotional neglect, coercion and later a much healthier but often conflict-ridden relationship outside our head. we've had the bar set high for us bc our not-shitty ex was also a system who had an intrasystem relationship with a protector alter

(sidebar our host doesn't roll that way they prefer to clock out and leave the sappy shit to us queens, they tried getting gay with virgil but it doesn't work bc like all four of us are significantly older in headspace than in body - I'm the youngest of the four at 29, virgil oldest at 33, host/body are 23 and the rest of the alters skew a bit younger except gulley who is literally. 65. - so the dynamics between us and orchid are a lot more that they have a bunch of fairy godparents who are all gay for each other)

but our ex was already familiar with how this shit works so we all had different dynamics with them and in turn other dynamics still with their headmates. it was on a level of complexity and intimacy that idk that we could ever reach with a singlet and in the aftermath of the heartbreak of that relationship falling apart we are. not on the dating scene at the moment for other reasons as well but like. orchid wants to love someone too. and that may be out of reach but you definitely can't say we live a loveless existence bc there are these healthy, communicative dynamics in place that are a safe zone. orchid often recedes and allows the four of us to just fuck around, it's very typically two or more of us fronting sometimes all four at once it's a pretty bang up job of integration bc prior to like 2021 communication among us was very stunted, blocked off, or vague and our identities hadn't fully congealed into our current setup which has been pretty consistent since like 2021 when we unrepressed the whole DID thing with help from aforementioned ex. but like. intrasystem shit is one thing but the ability to switch out intentionally or unintentionally and have someone there who just. knows. who we all are what our personalities and preferences and love languages are the space to cultivate a host of different dynamics in an intimate space with all of them being beheld as equally real, unique, legitimate, valid... we could try. we could try to teach someone without this internal experience how we work and maybe they'll be receptive and won't think we're doing some kind of LARP or whatever they'll be able to treat us all as people...we want to give that gift of love in multiplicity again. it is the deepest most vulnerable most healing thing we have experienced. what a thing to lose. our fault. but we will do better for the next person the only question is if the next person will fucking be able to keep up with us. will we have to offer a watered down, flattened version of ourself to them? not talk about when we switch, when there's multiple of us at once, assume that mask that we wear around everyone else where they call us all by one name and don't differentiate among us? as I have learned integration is not fusion we have integrated well but we are all very separate beasts and none of us want to hide behind the face of orchid who can barely handle fronting for more than a few hours at a time... our multiplicity is the root of our resilience. who will claim us

as we are?

if that never happens again so be it. we had the privilege of it once and at the very least we can be a self-sustaining circuit for as long as we need.

[moonfurthetemmie]

It a 'series' about a youtuber -Thomas Sanders- and how he goes through emotional things

Like lying, his anxiety, and his passion for theater..

He decided to give characters to some of the emotions he thinks is most important and give them names, to help the veiwers also get the situations, by applying them to actual people not just emotions.

Soo....

Patton - morality

Logan - logic

Roman - creativity

Remus - intrusive thoughts

(Fun fact, Remus and Roman are brothers, as in 'good' creativity (Roman) and 'bad' creativity (Remus))

Janus - deceit (aka lying)

Virgil - anxiety

Those six make up the 'main' cast, split up into good and bad, good: Roman, Logan, and Patton and bad: Remus, Janus, and Virgil

In the beginning, however, he is trying to show how you can get 'along' with your anxiety and Virgil then 'transfers' onto the 'good' side.

While some side characters also make an appearance

Remy - sleep (he shows up in some of Thomas' vines)

Emile - ??? (HE shows up for i think one video and its about therapy and his main thing is cartoons)

By having all the 'emotions' have actual faces it puts into perspective what's actually happening is thomas' brain instead of him trying to explain it.

The characters got so popular that eventually he started to branch out from the normal emotional dealing videos and expanded more on the characters as actual people and not just as extensions of himself.

hm. the more you say the more this does look like a sanders sides OC

While none of the headmates are meant to be emotions, they do reflect some aspects of myself (and thus, the system's host).

Delta's very afraid of losing people, and craves affection. it's turned up to a 20 from what's up with the real Moon, tho. she also has the social confidence I aspire to have (and have never achieved GHFDJKSGHFDJ)

Lizzie's sort of the personified 'inner child'; she's not actually a child, but she gives just as few fucks as I did when I was a kid. She does what she wants, damn what anyone else thinks. She doesn't care if something will be embarrassing (with a few exceptions) if she thinks it'll be fun.

Jennifer is the fascination with horror and is the only one in the system who can actually handle horror movies and shit.

listen. I know I have three horror AUs (and. a fourth hidden away), but i'm a huge wuss. Actually interacting with original horror freaks me the FUCK out. I like watching Markiplier and Jacksepticeye play horror games, but sometimes i nope out and never come back. and there's an extra degree of separation there between me and the scary stuff!!!!

I'm also not dividing the headmates into 'good' and 'bad', because when it's a system...

I don't want to fall into the negative stereotypes that DID and other similar disorders have. I'm friends with a few systems, and I've seen some headmates cause serious problems. It's not a party in the USA (reference) 24/7, but I don't know how I, a singlet, could do something like that in fiction without it being. uhhh. in poor taste, to put it mildly. And I'm not ready to try

[systemfiles]

This is pretty new to ALL of us, but our host is struggling the most with realizing we're a system. They were sort of the last one to accept it (we had to bully them a bit), and still struggle with fear that they're faking - and it's really wild that it started as fear they were being a snowflake and taking up space that wasn't theirs, or autistic- mirroring their system friends, but now it's just as much fear that they really aren't a system and they're going to LOOSE us, because they're already so attached to the fact that they aren't alone.

Me and spire are so proud of them - they've started reaching out to spire for support occasionally and I can tell it makes spire SO happy to be able to comfort them and take some of the weight of Managing Life off of them.

That's not to say it's smooth sailing - when they get too stressed they magnet to front and struggle to hear anyone else.

And that happens when G is upset too, because his emotions bleed onto them and they can't shut him out, even though they're getting better at realizing when the emotions aren't wholly Theirs.

It makes them so happy that the rest of us are starting to find the shapes of ourselves in our mind and learning who we are by ourselves (or as by ourselves we get; host is almost always a BIT here, and we ID as a median system), but it's starting to quietly scare them that THEY don't know who they are separate from us.

Doesn't help that they weren't our original host- they're pretty sure G MADE them, and they're sometimes scared that all they are is a conduit to the outside world for him. I think their first theory about their/Gs relationship is probably more accurate though - which is that they are everything G wanted to be and Couldn't because of fear/trauma. G couldn't handle being a living breathing human so they split A (current host) to BE US, so G could forget he existed and just watch/experience us being happy/living a life that he couldn't manage. (He's almost always watching. He doesn't always remember that he exists)

I also agree with Hosts theory that G is a subsystem- *im* guessing he split first when we were little, and that wasn't enough to protect whatever core is way in there, so we split our current system to protect Him. And HEs so fragile because he's holding onto someone/something even more volatile. But that's just a theory.

Rn I seem to be the only one able to really put up barriers and block him (and mostly everyone else I choose to) out.

This is my first time fronting where I'm AWARE of who I am and I forced myself to front because I HAD to, which ATM Noone else seems to be able to do.

Spire can only front when host Lets her (which is pretty often, coz host is really enjoying being able to take a Fucking Break), but if host (or G, bleeding into them) is anxious or stressed, they struggle to let go of front.

I guess I'm just putting this all here for everyone else, to help them make sense of things: because they all Know these things, but it helps to have someone agree with you about it. (I also kinda want a record that I was Here, as Me?)

I don't know much about who "i" am, I just know I Need to help my headmates, and suddenly realizing that I'm somewhat seprate from them let me do that today. I don't know how much I'm going to be around, and I don't know how much I care about that... I think I just want everyone to know they can call on me if they need me?

-Force

[chemicalcarousel]

is it normal for the host of a system to having attributed your headmates' behavior/thoughts/opinions/ect to yourself before you were made aware of your plurality?

and is it normal for other headmates to having confused themselves as being you, the host, in the past?

(gonna do a "keep reading" for the rest of it, since it became a long rant about my& struggle with our mental health)

ig it's because we just thought that was what being one person was idk we do be a lil stoopid lmao. like... i remember some episodes where levi was close to the front or fronting with me where we were well aware that there was a levi there (name and all), but we thought it was a delusion or we just brushed it off as if it never happened. then we identified as otherkin/fictionkin (since levi is an introject from a fictional source). levi thought he wasn't his own person and he still seems freaked out by the thought of existing and honestly i dont blame him since i find existing freaky too hxkfsfksxs

i thought one of the littles was me doing involuntary age regression as some sort of emotional flashback, but idk my therapist thinks she's a seperate part and ngl it makes more sense. she's much different, but probably based on young me and holds our trauma from that time. i'm personally emotionally distanced to the trauma mostly, but she's the one holding it. every therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist that have met her are extremely surprised how i change so drastically. and they have all commented on how im not in touch with my emotions when i describe my trauma very analytically. but then sometimes "i" start acting like a scared child. i cant control it in any way. i especially cant control my body language, my thoughts, my emotions, and my speech. and after the episode is over i definitely have emotional amnesia. it was a dissociated child part

also the child has a passive influence on me from positive triggers too and it's hard to control that. let's just say we have a lot of plushies lmao but idk they are very cute and the big ones are good for especially the littles to ground and soothe themselves. sometimes hugging one also helps when a little is upset inside of the body. we have a hard time reaching each other inside the headspace, it's like we are lost in an infinite void of darkness where we can sense each other faintly at times, but it's so hard to communicate. but i hugged a big, soft plushie once i felt a little crying and i kept repeating that we are safe and that she's not alone and that we love her. idk why the plushie hugging helped, but my theory is that she might have felt it through our body and hugging that plushie helps her. she didnt seem to be at the front at all, but idk maybe she could still feel it?? idk how this works, my therapist has been very hesitant to help us, even though she's the one who was like "yeah you are three different parts, i've observed them all" (havent told her about lee bc we are scared and he only fronts when we are alone and he can do some activities he likes)

TW // suicidal ideation mention

our therapist is a licenced psychiatrist and psychotherapist who is specialised in mood disorders (we have bipolar), so maybe that's why she's so bad at handling our case. she's like "it's hard to work with your trauma when you're either not in touch with it or you're triggered to the point of closing off from the world". bruh........ we're trying our best here, you're supposed to like.... know what to do. there's a reason that we are here, if we knew how to handle this we wouldn't need therapy wtf. sadly we barely have an income high enough to live off of since we aren't allowed to work yet due to our strong anxiety and s//cidal ideation. also we dont have the right disorders to get disability (only schizo-spec or bpd, denmark is so stupid istfg). hhh life is so hard and we are super split on having hope for the future or not

TW OVER // suicidal ideation mention

anyway, a question turned into a rant (yet again). ig it's because we literally have no one to talk to about this. sorry hhhhgggg

~ Sof (she/he/they)

[lavenderlambie]

If you don’t mind me asking, what is having DID like? Also what would you like to see in a character with DID? Lastly may I ask what is being autistic like, especially in terms of sensory processing disorders. I currently have an autism and DID headcanon for Tails and I want to write as accurately as possible. If this is too personal or uncomfortable you don’t have to answer.

I'm fine answering, I enjoy talking of my experiences a lot! Though I'll like to say something about DID is that it varies for everyone but do have similarities in all experiences.

For me, I lose track of time a lot cause I don't know the time most of the time. I alongside forget things very easily. I don't experience blackouts in memory often but I do experience a lot of grayouts which varies as well for each system. For some there's only Emotional Amnesia, No remembering the event at all, or only remembering it very tiny ways where things are in a way fuzzy or blurry.

Another thing is emotion bleeding, where in my case I tend to feel what the others at front feel. For example if one is overally hyper and energetic alongside happy I feel it as well or if one is having a breakdown or an overload, I feel it as well and get very stressed.

For systems who are autistic and have hyperfixations a lot while still in a toxic environment they often form introjects of things from that interest as often enough that is a comfort thing and can form to give a role of a protector, holder, and etc. For me, there's a LOT of STH introjects. There's way more than just those four Sonics.

I'll like to add that we're a Polyfragmented System as well, in the system there's over 100+ and our innerworld which is our co-conscious and where headmates go when not fronting, is very complex and large. We have a lot of doubles as well [Looks at the four Sonics] and fragments, fragments if you don't know are in a way not fully formed alters as they usually only have one or two traits and handle usually one or two very specific or simple tasks but they can grow over time to be a fully formed headmate.

We're often not alone in front either, there's usually a lot of co-fronting and co-conscious fronts going on with us [Many headaches]. For example, there'll be one or two protectors out during school along a task doer, such as helping with school work and etc while one headmate is the speaking voice [Which is usually me]. Sometimes I can see my body getting moved as well that isn't me moving it which I still not very normal for me to see.

Splitting for us happens in many ways as well, as some splits is getting memories transferred or others result in two or more alters that isn't what one was before the split. For us it's usually losing memories, pain, and so fourth but the other one does happen here and there.

Our sense of identity can be rough as well. Since sometimes we don't even know who's exactly in front, it'll usually always take a bit to narrow down. This also caused a lot of gender confusion and so on as well before my partner slapped me in the face about the DID information. There was times where I was even confused of our interests and such as well. It's very hard to figure things out.

Another thing is that Alters aren't always the same as the body. For example I myself is non-human. I'm a lamb, a plush like specifically. It causes some problems for me since my body isn't well, what I appear as in my exo-memories and in the innerworld. Speaking of exo-memories, some headmates have memories before they were well, formed in the system. Some memories can be similar to the trauma we faced, how we viewed their source, and etc. For me, my memories were often a very lonely and neglectful experience but at times it had amazing and beautiful things that I would long for to see again.

But that's all for my system experiences I could word in some way, now onto our autistic experiences. We're more on the high to medium support than the low support that many sees us as at 1st glance. We have very many sensory issues, especially noise and touch related alongside visual when it comes to light.

I usually love touch that contains hugs, cuddles, and so on but without warning or if you even barely touch me, I panic, I freak out. It's sudden and I at all didn't have enough time to prepare myself for touch. Though textures is a huge problem as well, I'm unable to eat most school food because of said textures, they make me feel overwhelmed and overstimulated. I'm very specific about textures I like cause of this.

Noise is also a big problem as well, I can't have very little noise or none at all and I can't have too much either. For example the no noise thing can fit when the power goes out cause everything that makes noise in the household needs a power source. Complete silence and very very stressing due to no noise. Or when there's so much noise that I can't function at all. I can't eat, take a sip of my drink, and even sometimes, I can't move my body at all until the noise stops. Sometimes in these cases my headphones helps me and gives me good noise that isn't the bad news. Though sometimes even my own headphones can overstimulate me such as when I 1st put them on with no noise playing. It panics me cause of the zero noise. Sometimes due to this I can only put my headphones on one ear.

Lastly, whenever I overstimulate I tend to shut down. No responses at all from me. I tend to curl up somewhere when this happens, I usually 1st bolt to the closest corner and curl up into a ball covering my ears and looking directly down as I panic. Most I can do during this is nod or shake my head and sometimes if I'm lucky, use my speech assistant on my tablet to speak. My friends if no one else that is fronting is unable to help often attempts to communicate to me to try and figure out how to help me such as bring items to me and so on. Though whenever a headmate that fronts is able to help me, they often try to smoothe me 1st before slowly and steadily moving the body to a safe place and try to help calm me and etc.

I hope this helps you understand these experiences better! I'm not the best at wording so if confused you can ask me once more on what confuses you!

[ablednt]

Actually helpful advice for the kids on this hellsite

Once again tired of "don't make a carrd or tell people your triggers" posts going around literally telling kids it's Dangerous to set boundaries. So here's what I've learned in my teen years on how to stay safe in the hellscape that's the internet.

Identity

You don't have to link all your social media together but you can if you want to. Don't give out something that is more private (like discord account, Skype or zoom account, facebook, Snapchat etc.) publicly or to people who aren't familiar with yet though.

Use a nickname rather than your real name or birth name, an account and name change may unfortunately be necessary so if you want to keep a name safe or use it irl then don't attach it to public social media. This can be fun though! Go apeshit coming up with different aliases and names! Call yourself lizard if you want to!

The only thing you absolutely need to put somewhere on your account (or carrd) is that you're a minor. You don't have to give the exact age but I promise this is important because even if there's plenty of context clues that you're a minor if you don't indicate this somewhere clear and adults start treating you like shit you need to be able to point out that they're knowingly doing this to a minor. That has saved me from gross bullshit a lot. Yes, people should default to treating people who's ages they don't know as a minor to play it safe but the majority of people assume everyone is the same age as them so you need to make it clear you're not an adult.

Pronouns don't make you identifiable and anyone who acts like putting your pronouns in your bio is unsafe is probably transphobic lmao. You don't have to if you don't want to (and don't mind people not using/knowing your pronouns) but it's safe to put them there most of the time. (The only exception I can think of is if you're closeted and your parents may find your account but in that case you should probably stay closeted online to unless you feel safe/know they aren't likely to find your account.)

You don't have to list every privilege you have and you probably shouldn't but if you're white you probably should indicate this somewhere. This is to hold yourself accountable because yes even teenagers can be racist and underaged people of color also deserve to feel safe. If you're nonwhite and don't feel safe doing so you don't have to list your race or ethnicity.

If you're part of a system/plural or questioning you do NOT have to say your systems origins, if you have DID/OSDD, or list your headmates/alters. The system community has a lot of people in it (and singlets adjacent to parts of the community due to bullshit discourse groups welcoming them) who will target underaged systems to fakeclaim them or harass them etc. I suggest having everyone use aliases/nicknames on a system account and you only tell your origin to people you feel comfortable around and safe with. Your safety and privacy is more important than your trendy system carrd goals I promise!

You shouldn't really just list any disorders you have but it really does no harm to put marginalized identities you're proud of on a carrd or in your bio. You might get a shitty anon or two but I promise people aren't going to dox you if you say you're autistic on your carrd or something.

I personally wouldn't list any special interests that are particularly recognizable (popular media should be ok but more niche stuff may not be) or publicly share a kin list just because you never know if you'll want to switch up your identity online to feel safe and the more things are clearly tied to your current nickname and handle the harder it will be to do this. However if you feel safe doing so it's not the end of the world. Just be careful about it and don't feel pressured to give more info than you're comfortable giving.

You do NOT need to tell people your trauma in order to tell them your triggers. If you need something tagged with a tw you really should indicate this somewhere so people know to tag it (unless you intend to send every you're mutuals with an anon with what to tag which is also an option but may be difficult) but you shouldn't tell them your trauma or medical history to justify it. Your boundaries aren't up for debate and you have nothing to prove. You should only talk about your trauma if you feel safe doing so (and even then please don't give identifiable details like.names of people involved or specifics as that can cause serious problems.)

Boundaries & etiquette

DNIs are good! BYFs are good! Anyone who tells you that they're not good or useful is absolutely trying to disrespect your and other people's boundaries. You can and should make a DNI and list the people you don't want to interact with. (Generally it's better to say groups rather than specific people or names because it's easier to again not be recognized if you need to change accounts/aliases but you can do this if you have strong reasoning and absolutely have to to feel safe.)

DNIs (and also.trigger lists) don't have to all be bad things! You can put fandoms that make you uncomfortable, things that trigger you but aren't bad inherently, etc. on these lists. They're about helping you feel safe not having the hottest takes or being the most morally correct.

Some people you should put in your DNIs as a minor are proshippers/anti-antis and MAPs. Both of these groups have been proven time and time again to groom minors online so the earlier you get away from them the better.

Once you have your DNI please do be aggressive in reinforcing it! Block people who break your DNI, tell people who complain about your DNI to fuck off! Do not tolerate people trying to debate the boundaries You have set this is your corner of the internet to feel safe! They can go somewhere else! Being blocked by a kid on the internet is not the emotional blow abusers act like it is. You're not mean for having boundaries please internalize this and stand up for yourself!

If other people have a DNI you need to check that before following them this is for both your own safety and theirs. If you're unsure what something on someone's DNI means ask around to find out before following just in case.

Do NOT get involved in discourse! This doesn't mean you can't ever take part in or boost serious things. Discussing/calling out bigotry (racism, ableism, transphobia, etc.) isn't discourse. Sometimes callout posts for legitimately harmful people is necessary so that's not automatically bad. But I'm taking about the shit that's #discourse. Stay out of ace discourse. Stay away from syscourse. Don't debate with terfs or transmeds or shitty people. I know it seems like it'd be cathartic to win debates with shitty people, I know there's people who will try to bait you into the latest argument over which lgbt+ identities can say what slurs or whatever the fuck the pointless bad faith argument is, and I know you want to prove that your marginalized identity doesn't make you a bad person like bigots say it does. But as someone who's mental health was absolutely destroyed by discourse as a teen it's not worth it. By all means discuss issues as they arise, broaden your perspectives and horizons, etc. but don't engage knowingly in discourse it will save you so much trouble in the long run.

Try to avoid talking to adults 1x1 if you can avoid it! It's okay to dm with an adult you feel safe talking to sometimes and while it's certainly okay not to interact with adults at all if you don't feel.comfortable it's generally okay to do so. But if an adult is going out of their way to consistently talk to you in private needlessly that can be a red flag. If an adult tries to insinuate that they're the only adult around you can trust that's DEFINITELY a red flag. Basically talk to people in places you can easily involve others if needs be. If someone sends you a dm that makes you uncomfortable screenshot it in case you need to show someone etc.

Don't discuss NSFW things with adults, in spaces adults have easy access to (for example a discord server open to all ages), or even with other underaged people who haven't indicated they're comfortable with it. There's nothing inherently wrong with being aware of nsfw stuff or experiencing sexual attraction as a teenager but it's very important that you don't put yourself in situations that may be unsafe for you or others. Most good discord servers have rules against this for this exact reason. Now, to make it abundantly clear, if you did or do ever say something nsfw and an adult takes advantage of this or responds in a way that makes you uncomfortable this is NOT your fault! The responsibility falls on adults to act appropriately but it's still a good idea to keep youeself out of harms way.

That's basically it on a general level. Once again, posts telling you not to make DNIs or carrds or trigger lists (all used to set clear boundaries) are very suspect and either grossly misunderstand how these things work or are intentionally demonizing them in order to have more opportunity it excuse to do harm. Setting clear boundaries is good. Doing things that help you feel safe and respected is good. Just don't go and get involved in discourse or give out personal information or anything.

[raven-system]

❤👤⭐🤙🎊

❤️ - I love your blog!

Thanks! I’ll have to look at yours (or look at it again? I’m bad at names)

👤 - I’m a singlet (not a system)

That’s cool!

🎊- I want to hear more about your headmates

Hmmm. Well, there’s a lot of us so I’ll just list the active folks at the moment I guess?

Katie (me) - host (because rose went dormant) I think I’m like 15? I don’t know. Hmm well I’m the task manager mostly. I do well under stress and I don’t get too nervous.

Damean - 14 (going on 15 🎉). He’s a protector. He lovessss math with a passion and would do anything to protect his little brother Blaine. I’m pretty sure he likes cars a lot.

Blaine - 8 he’s a little as well as our gatekeeper (your guess is as good as mine on why that happened) so basically he can control who fronts, who gets what memories and when, that sort of thing he can also force people into dormancy. He usually handles pain. He’s a tough kid.

Rowan - he won’t tell us how old he is except “young by elf standards and old by yours” like talk about cryptic AF man. He never uses contractions unless he’s co or blendy with someone. He’s a protector and caretaker. He usually helps Damean the most (because Damean is the “I’m fine emotions aren’t real hahah” type of person and he only expresses that sort of stuff to people like Rowan). Oh shit they’re also dating oops don’t wanna forget that.

Esther - She formed to help with Roey who recently integrated... she and Rose are the only alts that play violin. I have no idea how old she is. She feels like she’s Jewish but since we’re a gentile system she can’t actually go up to people and be like “hey I’m Jewish” (hi Jewish, I’m Katie. Sorry couldn’t resist). She’s really nice though!

Cornflower - She instills confidence. She’s a fictive of Cornflower Fieldmouse, mostly from the tv show but probably some of the book(s)? She loves to cook. And god forbid anyone gives her caffeine...

Matthew - He is a persecutor but he’s trying to be better. He’s 16, suuuuuper Christian and mega gay. He struggles with that a lot. (Part of Justin’s subsystem).

Justin - Matt and Justin share a form in headspace. Justin likes knitting and makes lots of gay jokes. I don’t really talk to him a whole lot.

I think chaos and Jessie went dormant at some point? Feel free to ask/dm us anymore questions about the headmates! We usually tag who’s posting by the way.

🤙- I wish I could give you a hug

Aww that’s sweet!!

⭐️ - I want to hear more about your system

We’re undiagnosed. Don’t know what we have, we usually just say DID because it’s well known? Our therapist says we’re imagining it, and when the lady who evaluated us did that she said we needed to integrate... long story short we’ve decided we don’t need to get diagnosed. We know ourselves better than some stuck up NT person trying to say they know exactly what’s happening in our brain.

We formed because of mainly emotional (and sometimes physical) abuse.

The body is fourteen and female.

We’re a freshman in high school.

Also make sure to divide up work between alts. Your science teacher doesn’t need to know that the handwriting on the math homework is not the same as on science homework :)

[celestialsunglasses]

would you illuminate more on nick’s DID? tell us about his alters/headmates, headspace, talk about interacting with them? i’m really curious!

I’m gonna anxiously make a preface to this entire response. Because I feel like it’s important to note: I myself DON’T have DID. I can do all the research in the world, but I will never understand what it truly feels like. And I’ll never know everything. Especially since every person’s experiences are different.

So basically what I’m getting at is, on one hand I’m only human so I’ll probably fuck up a little bit, or misunderstand something and get it a little off. But on the other hand if I unintentionally write something here that really fucks up and stigmatizes or romanticizes the disorder without realizing it extremely badly: Call me the fuck out. Preferably privately, and preferably politely. But like whatever works is fine. I’m not trying to worsen the shitty stigmas that already follow DID. Also gonna high-key apologize for not mentioning it enough out of fear of fucking up horrendously like I used to before I did more in depth research (seriously how did I not get a call out for my past bullshit on the first blog or two, fuckin yikes) and kinda erasing it a little. That probably doesn’t help either as far as fictional portrayals of it are concerned. So I’m also sorry about that. And of course if this at all triggers anyone on principle I really encourage doing what makes you feel safest. No judgement.

(( Also: Sorry this took me some days to get to, I was working through anxiety about the above prefacing before deciding it’d probably be okay for me to post it as long as I was open to potential criticism about it. I can live with that possibility. But it’s gonna be a bit long so I’m gonna put it under a read more for dash courtesy, and for courtesy of maybe people who just don’t wanna see it, provided they aren’t on mobile where read mores are usually void. Sorry, mobile users. ))

To be clear, Nick has this from some childhood traumas, and not just from Lucifer. But some alters did form after the later traumas. I’m not necessarily going to go into massive detail on that part of things without a reason because that wasn’t the question. But there were some bad things that happened to him as a kid for this to be a disorder that formed.

So Nick has actually quite a few alters. Thirteen if he includes himself. And he does sometimes include himself. He is part of the system. He’s as much an alter as the rest of them. It’s taken him some time to accept that and not feel overly weird about it as he also considers himself “the original” if he has to explain it to someone. Though he’s not sure he likes to phrase it that way. But people understand it better when he does, so if they ask, that’s what he’ll say.

Of the other twelve alters. One of them is more like a fragment that helped him through some stuff by being really good at her function. He just calls her Mother because she helped in taking care of the baby he had when he was having a hard time getting up to do that because he was so stressed. She’s two dimensional in her ways and for now only serves her general function so she definitely doesn’t come out often.

And there is an alter he hasn’t actually been able to communicate with yet. Can’t find him in the headspace, yet. And most of the other alters are kind of unaware of him too. They’re only aware because Nick’s communicated it to a few of them. Nick only has an inkling because of a familiar voice in certain types of recurring nightmares. That’s how he learned his name. When he fronts, Nick is more likely to black out completely than with nearly any other one in his system. Adrian holds a lot of darker memories and honestly bitterness. A lot of it is from Lucifer. He’s not evil. He’s just angry and kinda taking it out on Nick in his sleep because he’s not sure what else to do yet. He can be very hyper defensive when he’s out. Can come off very rude and yells if he’s mad. Can also be known to get very drunk. Like dangerously drunk. Never stops frowning. Kinda paranoid. But he’s mostly inward because he finds it hard to be otherwise sometimes. He was created during the possession, so sometimes it’s hard to remember he can come out. He identifies with the way the body looks. So he looks like Nick.

And there is also the main one that’s most likely to front if Nick is feeling unsafe and his name is Andy. Andy split off when he watched his family get murdered. He’s there to be able to handle violent situations. So he’s a little intense. Kinda true neutral. He does things for himself to survive because he feels that’s how it has to be. Even if sometimes those things seem to be in a bit of a gray area morally. He’s not doing things to hurt other people, he’s doing things to be able to keep going. He could just as easily do good things, and does when the opportunities present themselves. But if he has to do a little shady business to get by he’s not opposed. There is a line or two for him that he won’t cross. But some things he’s less afraid of. He’s got a couple issues with emotion regulation and can sometimes be known to seem apathetic to a degree. After waking up after Lucifer he fronted primarily for about seven months because he could handle the situation he was in better than Nick could in his very emotionally raw state. He’s very protective of Nick and just wants him to be okay. So he took over for a minute to protect and handle violence like he was supposed to. With therapy he’s gotten a bit better about the way he deals with stuff, but he’s still a bit intense at times. He’s married to Mariah in the headspace. Andy sorta looks very similar to Nick, but he does have black hair in the headspace. Also brown eyes. And he lacks the scarring on his face that Nick has. His skin is alarmingly pale sometimes. He’s a little broader than Nick, more muscle than fat.

He has a primary protector named Mariah. She’s mostly an inner alter these days, and only actively comes out anymore during therapy or when Nick really needs her specifically to be out. And she can come out if asked for once in a while, but she usually needs to be asked for. Whether by Nick, or someone else. Her reasoning is that she doesn’t want to take up too much time of Nick’s life. She’s happy when he’s happy. And she wants him to have as much opportunity to achieve that before she comes out. She does however sometimes co-front to help comfort Nick. And give him words of encouragement, or to help him feel level headed when he’s scared. Nick’s pretty sure she’s the first alter he ever had. At the very least she’s the first he really remembers when he started learning he had DID to begin with in his 20′s. She’s maternal in a way. Kind. Safe and loving. She’s a positive influence in the headspace, she is also the one who protects a lot of the memories that could really hurt him if he was aware of them in an unsafe situation. And she’s a gatekeeper of sorts. Helps put up walls when other alters probably shouldn’t be present either. She’s married to Andy in the headspace. And together they help things run smoothly in the system. She has sharp features, dark eyes, dark hair, and honestly medium dark skin in the headspace. She’s curvy and has a warm smile.

His other main protector is Nina. She is more of an emotional protector age slides between 17 and 24 depending on the moment. She has blue hair, which caused Nick do dye his hair blue a lot in school. She is also kind, if not a little awkward in some ways. She’s the one who comes out if the situation isn’t dangerous to help with his emotions. In the inner world, she kinda protects the littles mostly. Like she would take over if one of the younger ones tried to come out while Nick was driving. Or if the situation wasn’t safe for a kid. She makes sure they’re doing well. She and Andy are the main alters to come out to help more actively than someone like Mariah. She’s much shorter in the headspace, her skin tone is white, but a little more sun kissed than the body’s. She also has a more athletic body type. She has shoulder length blue hair, and is very feminine otherwise.

He has four littles, three of which hold some form of memory or traumatic feeling to varying degrees (Max, Terry, and Haven). One of which holds no trauma memories and is there to be the kid he should’ve been able to be (Lana). One of the kids is blind (Haven), and when he’s fronting, Nick literally becomes legally blind because that part of his brain turns off until Nick comes back, or until someone else fronts. They’re all friends with each other to varying degrees. But Max and Terry are especially close with each other and even share a room in the headspace. The other two kids have rooms next door to theirs. Max is mixed race Chinese and White. He has reddish brown hair, and dark eyes. Haven is Indian, or at least partially so, has dark hair, but bright hazel eyes. Both Terry and Lana are white. Terry has short, curly red hair, and freckles. Eyes are green. Lana has long mousy brown hair down to her mid back and bright blue eyes. They all come out once in a while. And if it’s safe and appropriate timing, the older beings are okay letting them just be out for slightly longer amounts of time to be able to play and talk or communicate before one of the older ones will front for the sake of safety.

There are two not human alters. One is a magical dragon thing who is called Cairo, the other is a werewolf named Alec. Cairo is always an insider, and always has been. He is kind of a dream weaver. He creates good dreams. He doesn’t hold trauma memories. He’s there to help him feel that things aren’t all so bad. That when he can, he’ll help create a safe space even if there isn’t one outside of sleeping. This was a little easier before certain things happened. But he does sometimes still build safe dreams for Nick. Otherwise helps in protecting memories from surfacing in places where it’d be unsafe if he can at all keep one from surfacing. He speaks telepathically in the headspace in that he doesn’t need to move his mouth to speak. And his speech is very formal. Nick knows this is an alter because when he was figuring it out, his voice and presence was very consistent in his thoughts, daydreams, and normal dreams. He’s long and crimson red.

Alec does have some memories. Kinda used to be aggressive toward Nick before therapy and learning to communicate better. Now he’s still kind of pretentious, and not great with people. Can be a bit growly. But he does try, and it’s not an aggressive relationship anymore. Also not a fan of children. He won’t hurt them, but he tries to keep like at least three feet of distance between himself and children, including the littles, when possible because he’d just Rather Not. Does not get the appeal. They make him a little nervous. He’s thicker, and broader. He shares the trait of being blond like Nick, but his eyes look gold because werewolf traits. (Obviously the body is not actually a werewolf. there is no real shape shifting or lycanthropy, but the alter himself can shift in the headspace. And when he fronts if he’s shifted in the headspace, then the alter is more wolfy in personality.)

And then the last one is Victor. Personality based just a little bit on Chekov from Star Trek because he thought he was funny and that kinda helped him through some things growing up, so his head created someone like that. No trauma memories, just someone there to help make life easier. Does have the Russian accent. Nick’s pretty sure he’s 14. He doesn’t really say. the headmates who interact with him tend to at least like him. He kinda helps take care of the younger ones because he gets along great with Nina. They’re good friends. As you can guess, he looks kinda like Chekov from Star Trek.

They communicate primarily through journals that Nick keeps for them. And for a few of them, like Haven who can’t see, or others who might just prefer verbalizing to writing, he does little voice recordings in place of the journal to make sure the system is getting what they need, and to talk through things that might be bothering them, or to check that they’re doing fine. Allows them to communicate with each other through those means. He also kinda sometimes talks to them in his head, or allows them time to front and just Be for a short while. With some rules that they can’t do things that harm anyone or the body when fronting. And preferably not do anything that could get them all in trouble.

The only one he doesn’t have a hand on with communication is Adrian. He doesn’t talk to anyone, and kinda assumes he’s alone and meant to suffer silently. Mostly he doesn’t know the others exist, or that there’s an outlet and is only vaguely aware of Nick. And thinks it’s his fault that things are what they are. Again. Not evil, just angry and without a recognized outlet to talk about it as of yet. He doesn’t even know how to properly talk to Nick outside of nightmares and that’s not really talking. Nick hasn’t figured it out either because Adrian is more difficult to locate and communicate with. He’s trying, though. And sorta getting somewhere because he at least recognizes him now instead of being unsure like he was for a few years there because at times he was very quiet and seemingly dormant. And also the fact his headmates are somewhat unaware as things go. It’ll take some time to fully figure that situation out. If he were to really think about it he’d find Adrian in the space he created when Lucifer wasn’t putting him to sleep. It’s a very blank space. Meant to feel like nothing to give the illusion of lacking feeling. He doesn’t like finding that place. Doesn’t like thinking about that place.

The headspace itself is like a big house. Or a mansion, I suppose. And it has a huge yard. The alters have their own space and rooms to be in that suit them, who they are, and their needs. There is also a cellar that’s locked up, and it’s a little bit like a dungeon thing really to keep particularly bad memories from surfacing at unsafe times if it can be helped at all. Only Mariah has the key to the cellar for now. Everyone at least sorta respects that decision if nothing else.