#hopefully I won't get diagnosed with something too bad...

[thomthinks]

first therapy session in an hour. Wish me luck, i'm so nervous ;;

[rewriterory]

Aventurine Is BPD Coded- Some Thoughts

Ahhh welcome back everybody to another installment of 'Rory writes a ridiculously long essay nobody asked for to shine light on characters who exhibit symptoms of borderline personality disorder so that we can learn to recognize symptoms portrayed in media that aren't just 'crazy manipulative abusive ex' and start to treat the disorder with a shred of compassion' !!

A good chunk of you follow me because of my essay I wrote on Reo Mikage from Blue Lock, my beautiful borderline princess, and I am PLEASED to announce that my essay is now the first result when you search 'Reo Mikage BPD' on Google, AND he has since been added to the BPD character database !! Saving the world one baddie at a time, no need to thank me B)

Today, I want to write something out that I've been dying to share. I think Aventurine can be read as a BPD coded character, and I think he would be able to cop a diagnosis should he go see a therapist (which we all know he CLEARLY has not done). I've been puttering around posting this because I've been spending so long on a full, all encompassing analysis of this sick blonde man, but I want to take a quick break and kick my feet over BPD Aventurine, so I invite you to come kick your feet with me!

Some context before I start:

1.) Borderline representation is extremely important to me. I've got the BPD / CPTSD combo meal, so I'm having TWICE the fun !! But seriously though, it's not easy being viewed as crazy and 'bad' all the time. Trauma disorders are rough enough as it is just to live with / overcome, but it's worse when there are books, forums, blogs, shows, ect. dedicated to hating you and talking about how evil you are. So, I get really excited when I spy BPD-coded characters (especially if they're likable people and not just ghoulish irredeemable villains or manic pixie dream girl characters). Fans, characters, and even Aventurine himself refer to him as 'crazy' 'insane' 'unstable' which only further rang my BPD bells because he's not crazy; he's just traumatized!

2.) I’m not a psych, so I obviously can’t diagnose real people, and don’t use any of this to diagnose yourself (I don't need the scandal!) I do, however, have a masters degree in English and structured the basis of my education and published my thesis on mental health, cluster B personality disorders specifically, so I read and research a LOT. I’m confident enough in my knowledge to diagnose anime characters (lol).

3.) If you're somebody who has a weird hangup about borderlines, feel free to either not read this, or do read it and soak up some useful information! Regardless, I know Aventurine fans can have some really wild takes (/neg) , so believe what you want at the end of the day! This is just my interpretation of what's festering in that sad brain of his. You can disagree all you want to, but what we're not going to do is spread hateful stereotypes or perpetuate negative stigmas about BPD! That's cornball behavior and I will call you out for it ^-^

CW for discussion of death, suicide, self injury, and identity disturbances

Anyways, if you ask me, Aventurine is BPD coded and I'd like to explain why <3 So, buckle up! This will be another long one.

First, let me define BPD: it's a personality disorder characterized by a long-standing pattern of instability in mood, interpersonal relationships, and self-image. Though it's coined as a 'personality disorder', I urge you to look at it as a trauma disorder. People most often develop it when they are repeatedly traumatized during their formative years. It actually overlaps a TON with complex post traumatic stress disorder, which is why a lot of us baddies end up with both! (On that note, you could definitely view Aventurine as CPTSD-coded as well! I'm a stinky kinnie so I'll just say he's both <3) I won't preach too much on why it's so necessary to treat borderline as a traumatic stress disorder (since hopefully I'll be focusing my own personal academic research on that and I could yap for HOURS about it lol).

But when we look at BPD properly, it's evident that the basis of this disorder is that these people didn't have the opportunity to learn and foster proper emotional reactions. Because of the recurring traumatic events, sections of borderline's brains are underdeveloped as a result. They have a smaller amygdala and they have reduced volume in the prefrontal cortex, as well as other differences in brain development. I've heard it described as 'you were forced to learn some behaviors that helped you survive at one point in your life (for example, maybe fervent efforts to avoid abandonment, unstable emotional reactions, self harming tendencies, lying, mirroring, etc.,) but now you need to unlearn them, because they’re no longer helping you.'  They're trauma responses.

Aventurine shows us a perfect example of the kind of shit that would make someone develop BPD: dude grew up in extreme poverty, was constantly told he was special and he was supposed to bring good luck, watched his entire family and race die in front of him when he was literally still just a kid, was kidnapped and sold into slavery, was forced to murder roughly 34 people while everybody watched him like it was a game, probably went through several other fucked up things while he was enslaved, and then killed his slave owner and was promptly sentenced to death for it. That's...a whole lot of ridiculous trauma that would severely impact somebody's ability to mentally grow and develop correctly. The bulk of his childhood/adolescence was spent with no safety, no security, overwhelming guilt, constant fight or flight reactions, learning how to take on other personas to avoid violence or mistreatment – you get the point. He did not have a normal life and it is absolutely probable that he would develop a trauma disorder from the shit he's been through.

So then, what behaviors/signs does somebody need to exhibit to receive a Borderline diagnosis? The 9 diagnostic criteria for BPD are as follows:

1. Fear of abandonment

2. Unstable or changing relationships

3. Unstable self-image; struggles with identity or sense of self

4. Impulsive or self-damaging behaviors

5. Suicidal behavior or self-injury

6. Varied or random mood swings

7. Constant feelings of worthlessness or sadness

8. Problems with anger, including frequent loss of temper or physical fights

9. Stress-related paranoia or loss of contact with reality

As with my last post, I'm going to organize this based on the 5 immediate traits I think Aventurine exhibits most (you only need 5 out of 9 to receive a diagnosis, so let me cut to the chase and stop wasting your time w my yapping).

Fear of Abandonment:

Aventurine has a habit of wanting relationships and then pushing them away once they get too close. He also clearly has trauma associated with losing people prematurely.

First of all, let's look at Aventurine's tendency to view relationships as transactional. With the expectation that a friendship, partnership – whatever –  is mutually beneficial, that generally implies both parties will leave satisfied once the 'transaction' is complete. That’s his parting line in the game, actually! “Satisfied with our transaction, I trust?” 

That being said, he's already prepared for people to leave when they're done getting what they want from him. In one trailer (and the game) he refers to himself as "another cog in the machine known as the strategic investment department" and then says, "Your humble servant aventurine at your disposal [...] I can also play the role of ‘friend’ – if needed; Go ahead, use me as you wish, even stab me in the back if you see fit."

This is a very strange thing to say upon first meeting someone LMAO. He's speaking of himself like he's an object, rather than a person. Before the other party even says anything, he's basically saying 'hey btw if you end up disappointing me in some way, i'm already prepared for it!' Establishing relationships with the assumption that the other person will betray you/abandon you/hurt you in some way? Borderline behavior. God forbid somebody does try to break down one of these walls, we'll see Aventurine's second habit to avoid abandonment: pushing people away.

Something people don't necessarily consider is that ‘efforts to avoid abandonment’ doesn't always mean the person is on their knees begging you to not to leave them. It can manifest as someone being very flighty and purposefully cutting ties randomly/pushing people away from them so that nobody is able to abandon them. If you leave first, they can’t leave you, right? This is a very common behavior for borderlines to avoid the pain that comes with being abandoned.

The most notable moment of this, in my opinion, is when Aventurine tries to gaslight himself into thinking that Ratio really did stab him in the back during their ploy against Sunday. As we know, their fighting, bickering, and Ratio's 'betrayal' were all part of Aventurine's plan. When they leave Sunday's office, Ratio immediately asks if he's okay and if he needs help, and Aventurine is very dismissive/a little rude in his response. Ratio is confused because Aventurine is talking as if he wasn't the one who MADE this plan and TOLD Ratio what to do:

Aventurine is basically saying, "Hey babe this is not in the script we talked about! Let's stay on track, remember? You hate me, you betrayed me, and now you're leaving me!" And Ratio is like "Yeah okay but are you good? Because you don't seem good,” but Aventurine's heels are so far in the dirt at this point that he is NOT budging at all. When he's in the Trauma Maze, Future Aventurine grills him on this moment:

I get why this part confused some people; why would Aventurine think this when the plan was his idea in the first place? Because, he subconsciously doesn't want to get too attached to the idea that Ratio might ACTUALLY care about him or want to help him. He's forcing himself to think "no, that's not what he was doing, he was planning on actually ratting me out all along, he was only asking about my wellbeing to get in my head."

However, I think it's evident that Aventurine wants relationships/attention just as much as everybody else does, he just won't let himself have it. To further this idea, I think the lyrics to White Night (the Penacony trailer theme song) are worth looking at (these specifically):

I don't wanna be alone tonightOh, lead me with your altered signThere's no one else left for me to loseHeadin' to the other side, other side

I don't wanna be alone tonightI'll bring you to my best disguise'Cause you don't need, don't need to know the truthLet me rave forever in your life

The song is obviously about Aventurine when you look at the lyrics, but these lines in particular just further my point that this man does NOT like the fact that he's alone. He wants relationships, he wants closeness, but he rejects it at the same time out of fear that he might lose somebody prematurely again and doesn't want to experience being abandoned or being rejected for his personality (his real one or his fake one), which leads me to...

Unstable Self-Image; Struggles With Identity or Sense of Self:

The shift from Kakavasha to Aventurine screwed this guy up REAL bad. A MASSIVE part of Aventurine's character, in my opinion, is his struggle with his identity/sense of self. I mean, he literally had to kill off who he used to be in order to live how he's living now, and he didn't have much of a choice in the matter. Jade sums it up pretty well when Aventurine is sat before her on trial: 

Aventurine joining the IPC comes with the price of...well, becoming 'Aventurine'. Since I'm clocking him with a BPD diagnosis, the identity disturbance would have probably happened before this moment, and I think it did. I'll bet it started festering after that first massive traumatic event where he watched his family die and tried to rationalize how that was possible with his 'good luck' (since that was really the only consistent idea he had about himself), and it probably only got worse when he became fixated on the fact that whoever tf he is, he's only worth 60 copper coins (did the math – that's about $3). That's gotta cause some massive identity issues. He's coined as this ‘good luck charm’, this ‘blessed child’, a ‘beacon of hope for the Avgins’, and somehow, he ended up in the absolute worst situation possible while simultaneously dooming all of the Avgins (obviously not his fault, but he thinks it's his fault).

When Jade tells him to pick a new identity, ironically he picks one that is everything he probably grew to hate after his childhood/adolescence.

Associating with the wealthy? The rich were the people who paid to brand him and enslave him. The IPC? Promised to help the Avgins but disappeared when the Katicans invaded, then came back and kidnapped him to sell him as a slave. Now he's both wealthy and a part of the IPC, and you have to wonder how he truly feels about it. We'll look into that more later. Regardless, he's not really 'free' now, even if he isn't technically owned by a master anymore. He's chained to the IPC because this is life now; this is his identity. Where else would he even go? What else would he do? (Die, perhaps?) It's not like he can go home, or go live a peaceful life out on the countryside somewhere. He made 'Aventurine' his entire life and his entire personality. On that note, I really like this quote from his third character story:

“The aventurine, that symbol of power and of the future, is about to be officially handed to him — Yet it would have no more allure or value in his eyes as soon he obtains it, even though he had sought it by putting his life on the line.

He returns to his office in a daze. The aventurine stone emits a peculiar glow on his desk, seemingly congratulating and mocking him at the same time."Was luck truly on your side when you wrestled with fate?"”

Did he really luck out with this one? Comparatively, of course, this is better than his life as a slave, but he essentially just traded his rusted chains for golden ones. Becoming Aventurine might wind up bringing him a lot more pain than it was worth. 

Also, the outfit he chose? Covered in gold, fur, and jewels, all materials that somebody who knows nothing about being rich would assume rich people wear in excess. It's evident in his tacky taste (sorry honey I love you so much but the hat is just crazy work you look like a pimp) that he doesn't know anything about how to dress himself. And I bully him for being tacky but it makes sense! He dresses exactly how you'd think an out-of-touch billionaire would dress. Back to his sense of identity: it's very important to establish that Aventurine feels guilty about taking on this persona! That's all 'Aventurine' is: a persona. If he were to die tomorrow, the IPC would dust off that stone and give it to another bozo who would end up being the next 'Aventurine'.

While he didn't initially develop this personality subconsciously and it was a 'choice' to start playing this role (not that he had a plethora of alternative options), the perpetuation is damaging him mentally. He does a good job of keeping up the act, obviously. This theme that his entire personality is just one big act is overarching through the entire Penacony quest, but there's one moment in particular I really liked: when Sparkle is being a jerk and he has this offhand comment about how he's so frivolous, vain, and flashy, and how he'd hate to live anywhere where it rained since his outfit is too expensive to get wet.

Then, we have this interaction in the maze: Future Aventurine brings up the memory of him and his big sister playing dead, floating in bloody water to avoid being killed by the Katicans when they attacked. He mentions that it was his father's shirt, the last one his father left behind before dying, and that it was ruined. Aventurine says it wasn't ruined, and he's always kept it. (I wonder if that's the shirt he wore during his time enslaved?) Future Aventurine grills him and asks ‘why keep it? This new person that you are would never wear something so dirty and old. 'Aventurine' wouldn't want that old rag, it's not worth any money. 'Aventurine' would never splash around in murky water like that; he wouldn't need to.’ Nobody is hunting him, now he's the hunter. Future Aventurine makes the snide comment that he bets Aventurine wouldn't even dare to go outside in the rain, let alone do any of the things Kakavasha had to do, since he's so much more elite now. Aventurine, clearly hurt by the implication, says that even after all this time, he's never changed.

Of course, he hasn't. Deep down, no matter how much he tries to trick himself and everybody around him, he's still the same scared, traumatized boy he always has been. His future self chastises him for having an inferiority complex and mentions that with every gamble he makes, he has his left hand shaking in fear behind his back.

But the constant pull to push Kakavasha down and keep up this act that 'Aventurine' is the real him obviously perpetuated the identity disturbance in him and made it a hundred times worse, to the point where (as Future Aventurine points out) the hole he's dug is basically impossible to climb out of.

Because of this, I interpret Aventurine to constantly be struggling with his identity, not knowing who really exists under all the masks he wears, not knowing if he or anybody around him will ever figure it out. I imagine he feels very empty and unfulfilled, since as I mentioned in the abandonment section, he doesn't want to be alone. But the higher he climbs on the social ladder, the further he can separate himself from other people. This is a classic issue borderlines face. We masquerade as something we think the people around us will like, someone WE might like, but it always ends up leaving us feeling more empty than before.

(This is just an added bonus to chew on, but I got stuck on this line when I played through Penacony:)

Do you think once he became Aventurine and got the money and the resources, he researched toys that normal kids play with? Fancy ones like building blocks, stuff that he would have never been exposed to as a kid? Obviously baby Kakavasha would not know wtf building toys looked like, and I'm sure teenage Kakavasha didn't have the opportunity to browse toy catalogs. But, he recognizes the toy even though he says he's never played with them before. Maybe he considered buying it but decided against it, since it doesn't fit his new persona. Kakavasha doesn't exist anymore, so there's no reason to nurture that part of him. Anyways, just wanted to hurt y'all a bit more. Speaking of hurting ourselves:

Impulsive or Self-Damaging Behaviors + Suicidal Behavior or Self Injury:

I'm combining these two because my points kept blending together, so bear with me lol.

Aventurine is known for being incredibly reckless and putting himself in the path of danger over and over again. When discussing how he tricked Sunday with the Cornerstones, Future Aventurine asks:

I want to exaggerate how crazy it is (i can say that i'm also a bpd baddie) that he smashed his Cornerstone. I don't think a Stoneheart has ever done that before. Their stone is what makes them a Stoneheart. Ratio mentions that without it, Aventurine would be back to being nobody. Remember: that's what makes him Aventurine. You know, the persona that required him to kill off his former identity? Their Cornerstones are more important than the Stonehearts’ lives, as stated multiple times. But that's just it: Aventurine doesn't GAF about his life. He doesn't mind putting his life on the line to pull off his plan because he has that deep-rooted desire to punish himself for everything he thinks was his fault. He gets called out for gambling with his life multiple times during Penacony, and while most of the time it's reduced to him just being crazy (cough, bpd) or just having a severe gambling problem. Extremely hot take, but I think he gambles literally as another way to hurt himself. I mean, look at what he says when you ask about his hobbies:

"There's no denying it, my fascination is with the game of chance... be it the exhilarating rush of triumph or the extensive emptiness that follows, both are worth savoring, time and time again."

Being impulsive and risky, betting his life over and over –  it makes him feel alive. He knows the end result will hurt, that he'll have to face that 'extensive emptiness' and the extreme guilt he feels regarding his continued good luck, but he does it anyway.

Speaking of betting, his bets are always 'all or nothing', seemingly every time. Future Aventurine calls him out on always risking everything with every gamble, asking:

"Do you truly believe the greater the risk, the greater the reward?"

Or...do you just not care what happens to you? He doesn't need to risk a lot; he's never lost. He could bet the lowest amount and still win every time, and make a lot of money depending on what everybody else bet. In fact, that would actually be a better strategy in gambling (poker/black jack specifically), because it would insinuate that he's not very confident with his hand and prompt the other players to bet higher, assuming that they'll beat him.

I imagine he gets a shred of dopamine betting everything he has knowing that he'll probably win, but hey, who knows? Then after winning and multiplying everything he has, I imagine that 'extensive emptiness' that he refers to is the feeling of 'oh good, more money. More status. More success. A reminder that no matter what I do, I'm stuck here in this role forever.'

For some reason, he also thinks that taking risks makes him appear more confident and secure. He makes a show of always keeping up the big bets and he boasts about how successful he is, while clutching his hand behind his back thinking 'oh god, is this it? will I finally lose this time?' He brings this up when he's speaking with himself and he says, 'How could a weak person take such daring risks?"

Oh, the delicious irony.

That raises the question, though: if he wants to die so badly, why hasn't he yet? It's not like he had an easy life. He fought very hard to stay alive, so why does he act so recklessly now?

I think at his core, he's scared. Dying is scary. His family is there in the afterlife; would they be disappointed in the person he’s become? At the same time, being alive is exhausting. The constant emotional pain this guy probably deals with every day? It's gotta be heavy.

His behaviors around suicide remind of a classic passively suicidal person with BPD: maybe they don't necessarily want to die, but they're tired. They don't have an active plan, but If something is going to kill them, they're not going to move out of the way.

So, carrying out his Penacony plan makes sense. Of course he’s not completely sure what will happen when Acheron kills him, but because he doesn’t have anything to live for, he’s fine gambling with his life. He makes a show of finally throwing out every last chip, too, no longer clutching them under the table in fear. He was fine with smashing the Aventurine stone because it's not like he was planning on using it after his final show; the little bit of power it had left in it was more than enough. (I also think it's worth mentioning how he did fight very hard to be alive, and after fighting SO hard, living through poverty and slavery and literally murdering people just to keep his own life, now he's finally at a point where he can 'relax' and carry out his life in peaceful luxury...but ironically, now he doesnt want to be alive)

That being said, we do have to address this little number:

Aventurine attempted several times in Penacony, he admits it flat out. The writers even went sofar as to bold this line specifically! I think this does also go hand-in-hand with him being passively suicidal, since he's pretty sure he'll live when he attempts in the dream, but he's gonna try it SEVERAL times just to be sure. Mentally healthy people wouldn't try it... once, Aventurine!

As if we needed more evidence that Aventurine constantly puts himself in danger, you know I HAVE to mention...the light cone:

n case you haven't read the description for this light cone, let me share it with you:

"You don't believe me?"He (Aventurine) provocatively looks at the man (Ratio) before him, then draws out a revolver, empties its cylinder, and leaves a single shot in the chamber.

"Seems like I'll need to get you up to speed on how I do things if our cooperation were to remain amicable."He pushes the gun into his opponent's hand, spins the cylinder, and points the barrel to his own chest.

He pulls the trigger repeatedly, and the smile on his face remains the same after three empty clicks."Life is a grand gamble, and I'll always be the final victor."

Now what the HELL is this? Mind you, this is the first time Ratio has met this man!!! Imagine you meet your new mission partner for the first time and he puts a revolver in your hand and fires it thrice, then leaves. WHO does that? (...a baddie, perhaps!)

I don't think it's a secret to anybody who has spent a reasonable amount of time around Aventurine that there's something off about him, and that there's a really deep sadness running through him. There's some instances where other characters mention his passive desire to die – A few quick examples I can think of:

The instance in Story IV with Opal:

"Maybe luck won't be on your side this time, and the bill for all your past good fortune will come due [...] But isn't that what you've been longing for?"

Opal implies Aventurine wants to fail on Penacony, which, as we've discussed, is an accurate assumption. Jade says something similar after Aventurine's stunt: when Topaz says the light in his stone went out, Jade replies by saying "he got what he wanted."

Also, I’d like to point out that Ratio must have been anticipating that Aventurine would do something rash, since he wrote that note (doctor's advice) long before he started grilling him after the meeting with Sunday.

It's also worth noting the nod to T.S Eliot's "The Waste Land" (a very long poem about life and death). You get the achievement Sibyl, What Do You Want? after playing through the past of Kakavasha's life, and once you defeat boss Aventurine, you get the achievement She Replied, I Want to Die. I don't think that one needs an explanation, but boy does it hurt! (There's other, smaller nods to him being suicidal, like the Waiting for Godot achievement – Google the story if you're unfamiliar. Not as relevant, but I must mention it bc it makes my english major brain go brrrrr)

Also, overspending/gambling/being loose with money is a very common vice for borderlines to indulge in and harm themselves with. It's also implied that he drinks a decent amount. I counted 6 bottles of SoulGlad in his hotel room just from the angles I could see, and he's shown to be passed out at the bar when Ratio goes to get him before they go on their little date-I mean, mission. Aventurine says 'he must have drank too much', and whether or not that was true is irrelevant since it was a believable enough claim that Ratio bought it.

Borderlines are (usually) self-destructive in some capacity, and while some very annoying people assume it's for attention, it's so much more common for it to be because our inner emotions are just so out of whack. Sometimes, matching the inner pain with outer pain is a way to cope. They might also do it to try and combat-

Constant Feelings of Worthlessness or Sadness:

Probably the most nagging, prevalent feeling Aventurine deals with is the constant feeling of worthlessness. One thing about this man? He hates himself. Like, really hates himself. Take a look at the missions during his maze in Penacony. This one is one of my favorites:

It doesn't get much more on-the-nose than him calling himself a selfish, useless loser. He gets stuck on that word, in particular. Loser.

Aventurine, at his core, views himself as a massive loser. Is that ironic because of how much he wins? Not really. Money and materials are just part of the Aventurine persona. He's 'rich' in stuff, but he's not rich in what he actually wants. I think it's obvious that if he had the option to quadruple his wealth or see his sister again just one more time, we all know what he'd be picking.

The only thing he wants is connection – connection with his mother, his father, his sister, anybody at this point – but he can't have it. His family has been dead for a long while, and as I discussed before, his fear of abandonment and his luck scare him away from forming any other relationships. 

This luck, this destiny to be blessed, leads him to reflect on his life a lot and wonder what the hell the point is. He treats himself like some sort of walking curse, because he's convinced that his luck is bound to hurt other people. Every time he wins, somebody else loses. The luck that keeps him safe destroys everybody else around him. As Future Aventurine puts it:

His luck is "built on the pain of someone" else. This perpetuates the constant feeling of guilt, which in turn, makes him feel worthless. Why is it him that's spared every time?

Then, right before you start his boss fight, Aventurine says,

"The architect's flawed stone, of no value at all."

Some people speculate he's talking to the MC when he says this, but I can't help but assume that he's referring to himself. Even if it was directed at the MC, so much of what Aventurine says in his bluffs and boasts are just digs at himself. He's sort of an expert at hating himself, and what do people who hate themselves do if not project? Especially when you consider the fact that aventurine is actually a really cheap, undesired stone. It's like $3 a caret and mostly only used to rip people off and pose as jade. I really don't think it's a coincidence that his character is based around a stone that is, essentially, worthless.

The way that Aventurine is also prone to giving people ridiculous amounts of money/gifts can be read as a frantic effort to keep relationships going and prevent people from leaving him (relating to my points on both his feelings of worthless and his fear of abandonment). He has a skewed view on relationships, since the only value that's ever been associated with him is monetary value and that of his 'luck', which in every context is spoken of as an asset to benefit people he cares about. His sister told him that his luck was 'the most precious wealth' of the Avgins and Jade sees him as an investment that can bring her more wealth because of his luck, but he views it as a massive burden that ends up wrecking everybody around him. So how does he prove to other people that someone as worthless as him should be allowed a seat at the table? Deep down, he thinks that he's still worth 60 red copper pieces, and he's desperate to show other people that he's worth more than that now – even though he doesn't believe it at his core. With all the money he wins now, he can throw it at people and say 'look, look how much money I'm worth now, you want me around because I can buy you anything you want, that's a useful quality in a friend!'

(I did use the 'seat at the table line' as a nod to what his slave master said to him when they were discussing his worth: "Don't forget your place, slave. You're not qualified to be at the table." Which is, painfully, what Aventurine says when you open up chests! He scoffs and says that "it's hardly enough for a seat at the table." :’) )

There is also, of course, Aventurine's overarching struggle with finding purpose in his life. We see a lot of his existentialism during his trauma maze, but at the end of his trauma maze, Future Aventurine finally stops ripping Aventurine a new one and is vulnerable for a second, saying he doesn't understand what he's ever done wrong to have suffered as much as he has.

Then, when he's in the Nihility and he's speaking to Acheron, making the decision on whether or not he even wants to keep going, he asks her:

As I said, he has this conversation with himself in the maze as well, but here he's actually being vulnerable and speaking to somebody else about it: what's the point in being alive if we're just born to suffer? If nothing else, this solidifies the emotional struggle that Aventurine is constantly having. I also think it furthers the idea that he has this nagging sort of emptiness inside of him which is another BPD trait: the feeling that you're empty at your core, and you're constantly trying to fill it with things (friends, money, substances, whatever) but nothing ever works. You worry if anything will ever make you feel 'whole' again, and pair with the the identity disturbance? You're left with a constant feeling of despair.

Other Points:

These are a few other random thoughts I have, inspired by in-game moments but I'm taking them for my own evil fiendish BPD narrative. Take them with a grain of salt.

I think the stigma he gets around 'being crazy' is really BPD-coded. Separate from the ridiculous discrimination he gets for being an Avgin where people assume he's a liar and wolf in sheep's clothing (which can this man catch a SINGLE break jfc), he also has this reputation of being crazy, insane, manipulative, cunning, and someone you want to avoid, which is more rooted in his reckless gambling habit and status with the IPC. Living with this reputation of being insane and unstable for...lowkey no reason at all? Very BPD coded. I think Aventurine leans into that stigma to keep people a certain distance away, but it also just ends up making him hate himself even more.

Also, his entire mantra is "all or nothing", which always rang my BPD bells as well. There's not a lot of gray area with him, which is a key trait in borderlines as we often display very black-and-white thought patterns.

In Conclusion:

I think Aventurine is a borderline baddie <3

No but actually though, Aventurine is extremely smart, witty, funny, generous, and very kind-hearted, and he also happens to have a lot of BPD symptoms :^) I don't think it does any harm to view him as BPD-coded; in fact, I think it's great to associate positive, fan-favorite characters like this with BPD because it helps to humanize us. Borderlines are not violent, crazy maniacs, they're people who have been severely traumatized and developed some unhealthy habits because of it. They deserve love, respect, understanding, and communication, just as everybody else does.

If you actually made it this far, thank you for reading! I hope I was able to shed some light on Aventurine and his Symptoms. And, as I do in all of my BPD posts, here’s your reminder to kiss the borderline baddies in your life and tell them they’re important to you :^) Living with BPD is exhausting and I know I speak for all of us when I say that. We try so hard every day to stay positive and regulated, and though rewarding, it's exhausting and very hard work. Nothing makes us smile more than some recognition that we're trying our best !!

Till next time xoxo (and shout out to @roxirinart for helping me edit this monstrosity mwahhh mwah)

[strawwritesfic]

hello,

i saw the post about your Joel Miller story. i believe it is beautiful in the rawness of capturing true emotions. personally, it’s refreshing seeing someone not write eli as an overly optimistic person as we know in part two that’s stripped away. similarly with Joel, a lot of people write him as this soft person but, we can tell he’s a selfish overprotective and ptsd ridden man.

i guess what i am trying to say is that you have a reader that truly loves what you’ve done. i know you won’t post further than 17 but, for what it’s worth. i enjoy it and look forward to each update.

thank you for sharing your craft with us.

💗

Thank you very much -- to you and the other couple of people who have reached out. I really appreciate that some people enjoy what I tried to do (although this doesn't invalidate the people who don't enjoy it). I never played or watched Part Ii (or the TV show), so I guess that might have something to do with it, now that I'm thinking about it. But it's not an excuse.

I really don't like just throwing people into relationships in my stories. I like to either have them already together and working through something, or I like to show them slooooooooowly getting together. It's not for everyone. And maybe I really did fill the story with too many jackasses. I've said it before; I'll say it again.

Anyway! Just wanted to let you know I wasn't ignoring this. Your ask made me smile. I had a pretty bad mental health spell, and that's the reason the updates fell off for a bit. But I've been diagnosed, I've got some medicine, so hopefully that won't prevent further work, and I'll post the next chapter this weekend.

[weary-minds]

rationalizing with OCD and why it doesn't work for me

Had another talk with my therapist today about my OCD and thought I'd share something with y'all. I struggle specifically with compulsions that involve praying that the <horrible never want to risk this bad thing> or <equally horrible thought that disgusts/disturbs me> either does not happen or is not true about me. Not only this, but then there's compulsions within the praying too; they need to be done a certain way or my brain won't accept it as good enough, and I have to start all over again. My OCD takes my faith and uses it against me. My therapist previously recommended that I write down my triggered thoughts and follow up by rationalizing with them, looking at them "realistically". Unfortunately, that just doesn't work for me; and after doing some research I learned that it doesn't for a lot of people. I never knew that praying could even be a compulsion until I read other's experiences on it before getting diagnosed. Below is a screenshot of what I wrote down for my issues and how I think might help me while recovering. My therapist read through this and said that it makes sense, though obviously this is directed towards my specific needs. Hopefully others who are religious might get some help out of this as well; I know some even within our own faiths judge us hatefully when we try to open up about it and it's relieving to know that this isn't an issue of who I am or a fault of mine. (Gentle reminder that this blog is safe for everyone, with that in mind). Take care y'all.

[ocd--culture-is]

questioning ocd culture but I don’t have or undiagnosed ocd but this is just ruining me + bothering me too much so I really hope u don’t mind me asking

Tw : s/h 

so these few months I’ve been having really violent + extreme intrusive thoughts that usually make me have a breakdown or panic attack. also I would constantly do self harm in a way to cope and to convince myself that those thoughts aren’t real at all and that I’m just faking it for attention. and then I usually feel like I’m going insane and that everything is going wrong because of me. I don’t know anymore. I think I may have ocd, but I’m scared of getting diagnosed cause I don’t want my parents to find out. Not asking for a diagnosis here but what do you think these things sound like? 

 feel like I’m overreacting. sorry. if u ever feel offended or uncomfortable, just delete this ask 

Don't worry, you're not "overreacting" in any way, these thoughts and behaviours really are frustating and hard to deal with! Neither is this offensive, you're just trying to figure out why you feel the way you do, or think or behave, ect. I don't mind things like these! So feel free to ask and or dm me on here or my main, I'll try my best to help in any way I can. Butttt I'm not a psychiatrist or anything of that sort, so don't rely too much on me

I'm really bad with long texts, so bear with me; I'm sorry if I skip over something ALSO I'M REALLY SORRY THIS IS SO LONG. I don't know how to shorten it, I'm sorry. (Hopefully you aren't like me and don't have trouble with paragraphs)

Intrusive thoughts, let's start with that, while they are very common in OCD, many disorders have it as a symptom. Also to not forget that people w/o disorders may also get them once in a while. It seems to me, you're reacting heavily to these thoughts, which means there is most definitely something more to it. I can't tell you what it might be, it could be OCD if compulsions are present as well as some of the other symptoms/criteria, but it could also be something else.

As for the sh part, it might be a temporary coping mechanism but it's not gonna help or change your thoughts in any way There's safer mechanisms out there to help, that could maybe also help with the intrusive thoughts in a way, my dms are always open to help come up with alternatives. I won't get further about that cause it's not something you really asked and I can get how frustating it sometimes is if someone goes "stop sh'ing!!! it bad" as if you do it for fun, and you probably know it's not a healthy way to cope.

Also, I've said this before in a post (?) but feeling like you're faking it for attention or for any reason does not immediately mean you are actually faking it. Your mind is just convincing you otherwise. You can't struggle with something that does not exist; if these thoughts weren't real or if you were faking them, you would not struggle with them in any way or go crazy cause of them.

[lianailia]

Let's see. What's been happening. A lot of cat sitting, which is good because it's money for my trip coming up in ten days! I'm meeting some people from the Slayers Discord and dressing as Lina. I am so excited. I'm getting the costume done. It's my first major cosplay. I will also be wearing it (minus the wig and headband because I'll just have had botox) for the Halloween anime night! It will be the first Halloween in a loooong time that I'll be dressing up! I'm so excited for that one. Even though my friend won't be there, who likes Slayers. The first 2 anime nights went well! First one we had three more people, and had a scavenger hunt with prizes and watched Spy x Family. (Love the show now. Almost season 2 time!) The 2nd one we had two more people but they didn't stay for long since there were games happening. But we painted rocks, colored animal pics and watched Fruits Basket. Oct will be Boogiepop Phantom. I haven't seen it in so long. And the costume contest will be fun. I'm so so happy we switched since there seems to be more of an interest in the gaming place than the library. The people have been really nice so far too and the owners are nice to work with. I'm glad to be making more in person friends. With cat sitting I had two weekends with an established client and then got a new one via my friend. It's her stepdaughter's cat Ava who is going blind. She is so sweet and has the loudest purr I have ever heard. And she snores too! So cute! 🙂 My cat knows when I go to the other cat's house. Lol she actually played with my dad the other day. Sat was the baby shower for my cousin. It was a nice shower and it was good to see family again that I haven't in awhile. But I also had just heard that my uncle in Vegas having stage 4 pancreatic cancer and was near the end. He actually passed away on Sun. I miss him already. I'm glad I could see him a couple yrs ago. But it's never enough time. He was always so cheerful, good with kids, just a big teddybear. I know he is no longer suffering but it's hard for the people still here. I guess he was just diagnosed too. Puts your life in perspective. Which is why I am trying to figure out something for my neck. After my trip I'm seeing a new pain doctor. As my last one was not very knowledgeable. I had an MRI finally after almost a month of hassling and to find out I have mild arthritis. It's not mild. Tonight it's been especially bad. Some of it may be emotional right now, but I know it's not all in my head. Hopefully when I get back I'll figure out a course of action. I did get a red light therapy pad that is just red lights with a little heat. That has been helping and ice. But I need this to stop. I want to get back to enjoying life. Well, that's all pretty much. Sorry for the long one. Oh also doing Slayers Artober and so far it's been really fun and therapeutic. Now to just finish my costume in time.

[orange-ghost]

Long post? I've been thinking a lot about Sia's "Music" lately. No, I'm not trying to insult her. I'm talking about the film. Her diagnosis has been all over my timelines, and most people are condemning her for the film's content nonetheless.

I think all the other big Autism accounts have criticized her well enough that I don't need to add on. As they should. They've all said what I wanted to say & I personally won't be forgiving her so easily. But the "Music" fiasco... actually reminds me of how PAPERBOY (my webcomic) was born, in a way?

Matthew & his classmates have lived in my head since 2015. And I remember that when I started PB, I actually didn't know I was Autistic yet, either. At the time, all I knew was that I was a kid in Special Ed, that disability was an unspeakable topic, and that a lot of the people involved in it treated me badly.

Kids' brains are like sponges-- they soak up whatever's around them. And I was raised drowning inside of an awful program. One that didn't show nor teach us respect, acceptance, or anything like that.

I resented, looked down at "certain" kids with the more noticeable disabilities, for "making SPED kids look bad! You're the reason we ALL get seen as less than!" And the thought that I could ever really count as a disabled kid was my worst nightmare. Because in my head, being disabled would mean that all this abuse was justified. And that I was truly & utterly inferior.

And I'd wring out all that nasty thought-process water. It would spill onto the pages of notebooks that became PAPERBOY's first drafts. And oh, believe me, it stained.

But, unlike Sia, I was a kid then. She's grown. She also put that shitty story up for all to see, while mine was restricted to notebooks. And it was only a year or two after I learned about being diagnosed as a baby that the ND movement(s) started blowing up online. So I looked into it, and like... it opened my 14-year-old mind up a lot.

So you know what I started doing? CHANGING THE STORY. Writing a better one. One that was much less hateful. And I changed the core message from "fuck disability, and fuck Special Ed too!" to "being different is not something we should feel punished and pain for. We are a community. And we deserve better."

Autism is neutral & one if the most human things I can think of. It's not to be demonized or glorified. It's not a tragedy, and it's not always some amazing miracle, either. We are people, not props. We deserve to be spoken & storytold about realistically. And we should be embraced at the end of the day. You need to be willing to learn how to listen & respect life's Autistics as they are.

Sia can't undo the real life harm she & her ableism inflicted. I can't, either. But... she CAN choose to change, grow up & out of it, and maybe lead her audience with her. Hopefully, with her new diagnosis, all that time offline, and a crap ton of self-reflection, she can. I mean, I managed, and I'm nowhere near as life-experienced, smart, OR skilled as she is!

Truth be told, I kinda hope she makes another Autism movie? With a big writing team of experienced, Autistic storytellers who know what they're doing. Cast Autistic actors. And instead of writing about somebody that she clearly doesn't see as an equal, she can actually level with them & write them a better story, too. "Music" was dedicated to somebody, right? I think that Somebody deserved a story where they're not just seen, but they're heard. And spotlighted! (Music certainly wasn't.) So... why not try again?

Or hey, maybe not even that, maybe she can try writing from her own experiences as an Autistic woman this time. Growing up undiagnosed, what that was like for her, dealing with a taught self-hatred in a mask that seems to have controlled her life.

I don't know. I like to live my life focusing more on what we CAN do about something instead of doubling down or getting stuck on what we can't. And I think others should, too.

Doubt she's reading this, but like... you've gotta make this right, Sia. Do better. Figure something else out. That's all.

[hamliet]

Hi! What do you think of how Yang's PTSD has been handled in the story? I read some people think it was solved too easily and I wanted your opinion about it!

Well, as someone with diagnosed PTSD... I personally love it. I think it’s a very solid portrayal. 

Of course, it won’t ring home for everyone--no one’s experiences are exactly the same. And it’s not that there are no critiques. But, I think CRWBY has done a pretty good job of portraying it for two reasons:

Yang’s trauma is both a part of her and yet does not encapsulate the whole of who she is; and

Its portrayal of what flashbacks and anxiety look like, on a personal level, made me feel seen. 

A lot of stories, when using the trauma/PTSD angle, have a bad habit of either portraying the inciting incident of trauma as the defining moment in the character’s existence, or acting as if it’s no big deal. 

Ruby: I'm so glad you're okay!

Yang: But I'm not.

For the latter, I've seen so many portrayals that just gloss PTSD over as an inconvenience, or as something that someone magically gets over. This isn’t Yang’s story, and I’ll explain why later.

The reality is that PTSD isn’t always something people get over so much as many learn to live with it. (And, in general, I do not like the current move towards pushing language that implies people aren’t suffering from certain mental illnesses. “A person with PTSD” is often preferred over “a person who suffers from PTSD” and sorry, no, PTSD by its definition is characterized by suffering. Negating that is not woke or pro-inclusion; it’s insulting by making yourself feel comfortable about inclusion while ignoring the thorny part that having PTSD fucking sucks. (I know many may disagree; that's fair. On my blog I get to say what I think, though, and I personally find it offensive.))

How does this connect to Yang? Well, RWBY displays Yang suffering. The everyday reminds her of what she lost in her arm, and of the experience losing it. Trauma healing involves grieving, and grief comes stages. Even when you arrive at "acceptance," you still have a loss.

Yang: everyone keeps talking about me getting back to normal. But this is normal now.

Yang: Do you want me to just pretend it didn’t happen? I lost a part of me. A piece of me is gone, and it's never coming back.

Yang's trauma is literally a part of her, with her arm always being gone. The mechanical one isn’t the same, even if it is functionally awesome. I know people like to harp on this and I’m not saying the portrayal is accurate to an amputee’s, because I can’t speak to that, but as a metaphor within the story itself I personally think it works. The mechanical arm can be a weakness in some situations and even a strength in others, as trauma can be, but it's clear Yang would still prefer her arm back even if that won't happen, and that's just--honest, imo.

I also think it works as a symbol of and a parallel to Yang's relationships with her mother and with Blake. Her mother--well. While Raven may sacrifice herself in the end for Yang (imo, she should), Yang and Raven are never going to have a normal mother/daughter relationship. Raven left her for no good reason, and she's not coming back.

However, Blake does come back. Not just physically (in which they both end up going to the same place and meeting), but emotionally. That won't like, replace her mother's abandonment, but it does at least offer Yang unconditional love and acceptance, and shows her that even if some people won't change, some can. 

Like Ruby says to end Volume 4: 

You told me once that bad things just happen. You were angry when you said it, and I didn't want to listen. But you were right. Bad things do happen, all the time, every day. Which is why I'm out here, to do whatever I can, wherever I can, and hopefully do some good... We've all lost something, and I've seen what loss can do to people. But if we gave up every time we lost, then we'd never be able to move forward.

I appreciate this because Ruby shows empathy towards Yang, while also asking her to keep growing--because they need her, given the terrible circumstances of their world. It contrasts a bit with what Tai said--and here’s where I’ll say I have an issue with the portrayal: I don’t like Tai’s advice to Yang at times in volume 4. I do think he pressures her to grow when she has explicitly said she isn’t ready, and the idea that she should be grateful for the mechanical arm is--yeah, but it’s not empathetic. I also don’t think this is framed awesomely.

About the symptoms of PTSD... PTSD is an anxiety disorder. Flashbacks are not always literally disorienting or hallucinations, although they may be. Most stories portray them almost exclusively as hallucinations; while I understand why hallucinations work best for stories in a lot of ways, it’s not really accurate to my experience, so I appreciated seeing something that was more along the lines of what I live with. For a long time I didn’t realize I was having flashbacks until my therapist explained that it doesn’t mean a hallucination; I find them disorienting but I'm very aware of where I am and that I'm not in the situation during one; it just feels like I am. They are moments when you are triggered to the extent where you absolutely cannot resist the terror you felt during the trauma storming your mind, and it feels emotionally as if you’re reliving it at the moment. This may include a hallucination. It also may not. 

Yang's flashbacks (like when she drops the glass in the kitchen) were clearly her experiencing anxiety, but not full hallucinations. Yang’s nightmares were also very accurate to what PTSD is like in my experience: they’re not always (if ever) exact recountings of what happened (though again, I see why stories often portray them this way). They’re similar situations, where you do relive the trauma, but like any dream they blend facts and ideas across time. 

I don’t think Yang’s PTSD is depicted as being over--it’s more just that Yang has mostly completed her arc and we have other characters to focus on. It’s also likely to come up a bit again whenever Raven reappears. Possibly in Volume 9. I also think this argument misses the complex factor: Yang’s trauma does not begin and end with Adam. She’s been traumatized since she was a kid, since Raven abandoned her, and Adam was a sudden inciting incident that brought a lot of issues to the surface. But it wasn’t the sole cause. Yang’s been struggling to cope with trauma since Season 1 (or even since the “Yellow” trailer). She’s still learning. 

And that is how PTSD recovery goes: you learn better coping mechanisms. Yang has learned better coping mechanisms, and having a partner in Blake is actually very much a realistic portrayal of something that can help alleviate PTSD symptoms. Again, I don’t think Yang has gotten over it, but she’s learned to live with it. Her arm is always gone. Adam is gone. Her mother is not the mother she deserves. But she has Blake, and Ruby, and Weiss, and Qrow, and others. 

And isn’t that what RWBY’s about: continuing on in the face of loss, when things will never be the same, because some things can still be better? 

[cupcraft]

one thing that i hope changes or i can try to change myself is like the toxicity in stem mentorship.

I won't go into too much detail for the sake of my own privacy, but like of the many mentors ive had within stem and research ive only had one good mentor (and its still in the very early stages). Otherwise, i've had absolutely traumatizing experiences ranging from misogyny to creepy behavior to just making a culture of where if you made one mistake you were a dumb person and a failure and should consider another career path. I've had advisors tell me an A- in core classes meant i should've reconsidered grad school, and I've been made to publicly cry multiple times (+ a few autistic meltdowns though i didnt really know that at the time since i hadn't been diagnosed yet). I've been yelled at from mistakes, to not knowing something, to asking questions, to just simply taking notes in front of a professor (because notes mean you are not giving them your full attention right? You are not listening and therefore you are bad? of course there are no other reasons a student must take notes, such as needing notes to process information/understand information/or remember information /s!). I've even had wild email exchanges that turned to one-sided arguments all because i set a reasonable and small boundary.

It feels like stem is a field where you can't talk about this unless you're talking to other traumatized students. We're supposed to move on and save face for our network, lest we burn too many bridges and fail in future research. We're supposed to keep working with this mentor, or we won't get our name on the paper we spent hours working on. We're supposed to think behavior like this is normal, because a lot of us who experience this don't have a positive experience to tell us otherwise (at least in my experience).

So i hope one day, students can proudly talk about these things. We can foster positive and productive mentorship. And hopefully rid this field (and other academia fields too!) of toxicity.

[robin-the-enby]

Two birds on a wire

Pairing: Tokoyami Fumikage x reader

Summary: You've been struggling for a long time. And every time the nasty thoughts return, it's as bad as before, if not worse. Luckilly, Tokoyami is your grounding rock, but...How long would he continue to be there?

Warnings: depression, suicidal thoughts, abadonment issues, intrusive thoughts (I think, let me know if there's anything else)

A/N: This is based on the song "Two birds" by Regina Spektor. I've tried like 4 times to write this and every time it has left me emotionally drained, but it still wasn't what I wanted. So here I go again. Hopefully for the last time...

Two birds on a wire One tries to fly away And the other Watches him close from that wire He says he wants to as well But he is a liar

You couldn't imagine that this would be the rest of your life. You suspected you were depressed since you were, how old, twelve? The unbearable waves of sadness that left you on the floor like a miserable heap of meat were a good enough piece of evidence. But you had to wait nearly four years for your parents to admit that there was something wrong. Four miserable years before you got a diagnose.

It wasn't anything spectacular, you told yourself. Just depression and anxiety. You were sure that more than half of the population had experienced it at this point. You thought that after convincing your parents to let you get treatement everything would get better. That you would get rid of the monster that loomed over your head, tantalizing you and striking when you least expected it.

But it had only gotten worse.

I'll believe it all There's nothing I won't understand I'll believe it all I won't let go of your hand

You felt like you couldn't complain too much tho. Sure, your parents showed clear signs of emotional neglect towards you, but hey, it could've been worse right? They weren't perfect, but they tried. And they loved you. Maybe not in a way you might have needed, but it was something.

Your friends were caring too. They asked you how you were and always let you know that they're there for you. Even those who didn't talk to you that much. And in return, they showed you their trust by confiding in you.

So why did you still want to leave them all so badly?

Two birds on a wire One says c'mon And the other says I'm tired

When it came to you and Tokoyami, you didn't know who approached who first. Maybe it was Dark shadow that brought you together for all you knew. But you were grateful for him. You felt like you could truly be yourself around him. Your relationship was that of a kind, where you didn't need to hide anything from each other or be scared of what the other might think. He was the kind of guy who appreciated everything strange and well, you had many of strange traits and thoughts to supply him with.

Whatever strange idea for a date you had, he went along with it. You wanted to dance in the rain? Count him in. You wanted to go yell at the full moon? Sure. Go to the deepest, darkest part of the forest to look for faeries? Sign him up. He loved your dreamy nature, the way you were so aligned with nature and so in awe of the same things that he was.

The sky is overcast And I'm sorry One more or one less Nobody's worried

Of course, you both had your fair share of pain to shoulder. But together, your burdens felt just a tad lighter. His pro hero work left him scarred, because not every time he could save everyone and he always beat himself up over every lost innocent person. You suspected every hero did that. But still, he only became better and better with time. He worked on himself every day, trying to be better than the day before and you admired him for that.

But you? Well, you were kind of lost. Sometimes life was good and sometimes it was shit. But Tokoyami always stayed with you, devoted as much time to you as he could. His patience was something you admired as well. And yet, you felt stuck. You didn't feel like you were moving anywhere. Sure, you were doing what you loved for a living, but you weren't...growing. Truth to be told, you still felt trapped by your emotions as if you were still twelve.

And now, when you were an adult, you still didn't have anything figured out. And you couldn't figure anything out. Because you didn't have the time to focus on yourself, to truly think about your life. For a while you convinced yourself that it was good that you didn't have any time to think, because whenever you did, it always ended up bad for you.

I'll believe it all There's nothing I won't understand I'll believe it all I won't let go of your hand

You tried your damn best to stay functioning. But whenever there wan't anything to do, you could feel the heavy thoughts and feelings creeping up on you and suddenly you felt as if you were walking on thin ice. One bad move and the ground beneath you would collapse and you'd be thrown into the cold water with no bottom.

You felt helpless. First it affected your sleep schedule. You lay beside unaware Tokoyami, who was out cold basically as soon as his head hit the pillow, while you contemplated your importance in this world. It baffled you, really. After all the years you've dealt with depression you would think that it wouldn't phase you so much and yet anytime you would have an episode, it seemed worse than the one before.

It wasn't long before Tokoyami started noticing the dark bags under your eyes. He knew of your struggles, nearly as much as you yourself. So there was no point in hiding it from him. You told him you're very probably entering another episode and he was understanding as always. Oh how you admired him. After all the times you've fallen down, he pulled you back up. Tokoyami assured you that you could talk to him whenever you wanted to, that he was there for you.

My light, he called you. You weren't so sure about that. More like his burden. Did you really deserve such an amazing guy like Tokoyami? The always composed and serious, but caring and understanding guy that never treated a soul wrong? You were seriously starting to doubt it.

Two birds of a feather Say that they're always gonna stay together But one's never going to let go of that wire He says that he will But he's just a liar

"Can I talk to you?" you asked your boyfriend. Ashamed. That's how you felt and you knew he saw it on your face as well. Still, he faced you with a smile and you felt a sudden wave of irritation course through you.

"Of course my light." Tokoyami said, patting the spot beside him on the couch. You slowly walked over, still trying to figure out why did you feel so annoyed all of a sudden. Sensing your hesitation, Tokoyami started "Is it bad?" You could only nod. He sighed "I've noticed it. You can always talk to me about these things, but you know that, don't you?" You nodded again and finally spoke up "I know. And I appreciate everything you do for me, it's just..." Tokoyami perked up at that, his attention on you and you only. "I guess I feel guilty. You do so much for me Fumi. And I feel like I'm...not doing...anything, really. I try to be there for you as much as I can, but no matter what I do, it doesn't outweigh the times you had to be there for me. It feels like I need someone's help constantly, like a small kid. It just feels so wrong that I can't take care of myself." you stopped. Tokoyami frowned "Darling...Just because I don't need as much help as you do does not make you any less of a good partner to me." he said, trying to reassure you.

Two birds on a wire One tries to fly away And the other Watches him close from that wire He says he wants to as well But he is a liar

"I know! I know all that! But I don't feel like that! I'm so scared Fumi..." you mewled. He looked at you with worry, his eyes holding a question he didn't even need to ask you, before your mouth opened again "You are so incredible, you do so much for so many and I...I feel like a leech. I feel so selfish and helpless. And the worst part is I don't know what to do about it! And I'm terrified that one day you and everyone around me will one day realize just how much I hold you back and you all will just...leave."

Tokoyami frowned, deep in thought. He understood your fear, it wasn't irrational at all. And that was scary. Because he didn't know how to comfort you. "That won't happen (Y/N). Even if everyone else left, I would stay by your side. Because you know what? This all will pass and you'll be fine again." he raised his hand to shush you when he saw you wanted to protest "Because any time I see your beautiful smile, plus if it's directed at me, I...I realize it's worth it. Every second I spend worrying about you is worth it. Just keep smiling at me, for me, hell keep smiling for no reason at nothing in particular and it'll be worth it the same amount. Because I love you my light."

Two birds on a wire One tries to fly away And the other...

Such a confession was rare for this broody man, but you appreciated it. Even if you couldn't show it right now. Even if you weren't entirely convinced and probably would never be. But he was here right now, you realized as he lovingly pressed his forehead to the side of your head. And so you decided to enjoy it while it lasted.

[silencecunt]

i finished KNY the other day and it's really all i have been able to think about. i read the whole manga in just about two days (it's only 205 chapters and they're relatively short so it was pretty easy) and i am just overwhelmed with emotion.

i understand a lot of people may be upset with how the manga ended--it's normal to feel like we are missing out on a lot of story possibilities bc frankly we are! gotōge, as far as i know, didn't want the series to end as quickly as it did, but certain unavoidable things popped up and they had to make that decision. it's fine to feel however u feel about it, but don't be upset with them bc i'm sure they're plenty upset about it themself.

i agree that the ending was rushed (bc it had to be), but i don't think the flow of events don't make sense. on the contrary! i think the way things happened do make a lot of sense. in my eyes, it's kinda obvious to see where certain things were pushed in order to transition to the last arc (nezuko suddenly being able to withstand the sun, for example). that isn't necessarily a bad thing and i know that this development would happen eventually. nezuko was, from the beginning, a different kind of demon. she was special from the first chapter on--not eating tanjiro, using sleep to recover rather than consume humans, remarkable strength, etc. i do not believe her developing to withstand the sun was "jumping the shark" nor do i think it was a cheap gimmick of any kind. i guess what i'm trying to say here is that, yes, i think it happened a bit abruptly and could have come later after a lot more development if the circumstances were different. seeing as they're not, it is what it is. i don't think it was done poorly, it just makes me wonder how it could have been better introduced if gotōge had more time.

having said that, it makes me think of how early we are introduced to muzan. he is the Big Bad, someone who no one else had seen before, and we meet him in chapter 13. this is part of why i don't think kny is all that rushed and the ending coming so soon isn't all that disappointing to me. now, granted, many manga introduce the Final Boss pretty early. BNHA introduced shigaraki in chapter 11, for example. but, with shigaraki, we see development in both his character and abilities. we watch as he comes into his own so he needed to be introduced early so horikoshi had time to see him mature. muzan, on the other hand, is more akin to all for one--someone who is borderline overpowered (i would argue muzan is overpowered, but i guess it makes sense considering he's lived ~1000 years, so one would get pretty fucking jacked after all that time plus demons get more powerful with the amount of people they eat soooo) and has posed as a threat to the heroes of the story for a Long Ass Time. i personally feel it would have been better had muzan not been introduced so early if the manga was allowed to be more fleshed out, as i'm sure gotōge planned/hoped. however, it works with how short the manga is. i don't really have a problem with it, it's just something i found interesting to think about and i haven't seen a lot of criticism on.

now, i am making a lot of assumptions on what gotōge had planned--perhaps they planned it to be shorter than i would have anticipated and the end just came a little bit faster than expected. perhaps they planned this to span for 400, 500, 1000 chapters. who knows? i am, after all, projecting my own thoughts on the pacing of the story and what would be appropriate. in my mind, i expected the series to follow tanjiro until he, himself, became a hashira. i would expect it to take hundreds of more chapters to reach that point before the final confrontation loomed on the horizon. i am in no way saying that that is the correct pace the story should have been at. again, it's just my thoughts. i would like to say i am in no way disappointed with how the story turned out. i don't think it was too rushed, i just feel like it's obvious there was more gotōge wanted to tell. we were only just (relatively speaking) introduced to the hashira and now all but 3 are dead. no doubt the quickness is elevated for me since i finished the whole series in 2 days, so things that spanned over years happened in a blink of an eye. however, i would argue that seeing the whole story in a short amount of time emphasizes just how short of a timeframe we are looking at (i realize there are timeskips, but i am speaking from a storytelling perspective).

rengoku dying quickly after being introduced is effective as a tool to show that even the hashira have trouble combatting the upper kizuki. this effectively conveys how much of a challenge the demon slayers have laying ahead of them. it was important to tanjiro especially to see how strong his opponents are. if upper 3 could strike down rengoku, arguably one of the most skilled of the hashira, single-handedly then muzan is a bigger threat than he could have anticipated. from a narrative perspective, this sets the tone to how much of an upward battle tanjiro was facing. it also effectively conveyed to the audience that tanjiro would not be the sole person to end the demons, that he would need help from his friends and peers to end things. this, in my eyes, is so important. yes, a part of me wanted tanjiro to be singularly responsible for muzan's defeat, but i know it wouldn't have been a good decision. when facing an impossible opponent, u have to rely on teamwork. this is something that has been conveyed from nearly the beginning. tanjiro wouldn't have made it to final selection had it not been for sabito and makomo helping him; he would have been overwhelmed and died on his first mission without nezuko; tanjiro wouldn't have been able to save kiyoshi (and teruko + shoichi) without zenitsu and inosuke there to kill the other two demons; he certainly would not have been able to kill the Spider Family by himself; etc. Teamwork has been the focus of the story from the beginning and rengoku's death reminded the audience that the demon slayers needed everyone they could in order to even come close to beating muzan.

still, seeing so little of the other hashira before they died is, understandably, disappointing. i wish we got to know them better, i wish we got to see the trio becoming tsuguko, i wish we got to see the five that passed final selection become hashira themselves, i wish i wish i wish. but it's okay that it didn't happen that way. gotōge still made me care about them in such a short amount of time. i sobbed when they died. genya hits especially hard. he and sanemi only just reconciled and then he died....and sanemi loved him so much. there was so much unsaid when he died and, as of right now, we won't get that resolution. again, not a bad thing. sometimes, while it hurts and you want to know, some questions are best left unanswered.

it hurts thinking about all the people who died. i am still getting choked up at just the thought. chapter 204 hurt me a lot--when nezuko smiled and sanemi saw genya....ouchie!!!! it hurts me so so much and i am so heartbroken and distraught over it. mitsuri and obanai dying in each other's arms, feelings still unsaid but it wasn't necessary bc they knew. they knew they loved each other so much. himejima seeing his orphans again and finding out they were just trying to protect him....and he spent so much time hurt by them running away.....god. it all just hurts so so much. i am so sad. i really don't have the words to capture how much my heart is aching. i fell in love with all the characters and i had to watch them die, watch as the ones they loved and loved them come to terms with their loss, and somehow i'm expected to be okay???? i'm not lmao i am heartbroken. i don't like things a normal amount so after i was done, i literally triggered a depressive episode. i hate it!!! i don't regret reading it and i think the story is beautifully done. the deaths were impactful and they meant something--i don't think anyone's death was unnecessary. they just....hurt. it's a beautiful story and i will recommend it to anyone who wants to try reading it (hopefully those people aren't reading this considering i spoiled uhhhh everything lmao).

thank you, gotōge, for sharing this amazing story. i loved it so much. it was a pleasure to read and i am so excited to experience it animated. seeing rengoku die in theaters will diagnose me with Sad Bitch Disease and i am ready 😌🙏🏻

especially thank you for this ❤️

[mental-health-advice]

sorry to be a bother but im in the middle of a big panic attack cause of school. i have a panic/anxiety disorder and my dad doesnt believe me. Theres a lot more I could say but I dont know how. I'm a minor and I dont have insurance so I cant get a therapist or psychologist. I feel like I'm contradicting myself and maybe im lying. I'm confused and scared. I literally have no one but him and he won't/cant get me help. I'm sorry if this is incoherent but im really shaky

Hey there,

Firstly you are not being a bother at all! We are here to listen to you guys and helping out where we can whilst also offering support if needed. You are welcome to reach out to us whenever you need to talk or vent, you don’t have to go through this alone!

I’m so sorry that your Dad doesn’t believe that you may have a panic/ anxiety disorder. The reason why I said ‘may’ is because self-diagnosing can be bad and especially if you are having symptoms of another mental health disorder similar to those of a panic/ anxiety disorder. I am not in any way saying that this is what’s happening for you, but getting a proper diagnosis by a professional is still really important!

Do you have a favourite teacher at school that you would feel comfortable talking to? If so, then how would you feel about talking to them about what’s going on for you? It should not be this way, but sometimes a parent will often not believe or listen to what’s really going on unless they are told by some kind of professional. So because of this I am wondering if you were to talk to your Dad with a teacher present then maybe he will listen to you and you will then be able to get the help and support that you’re needing along with also getting a proper diagnosis. What do you think?

I also want you to know that you can always contact a counsellor from a helpline or on web counselling too and you don’t need to have parental consent to do this. So this could be one option for getting help until you are able to see someone face-to-face.

You mentioned that there was more you could’ve said when you spoke to your Dad but that you weren’t quite sure how to. Do you think that writing a letter or email maybe helpful? When you write something down on paper it actually gives you time to really think about what you’re wanting to say and how you can explain it in a way that makes sense. This is just an idea, and it might also be helpful for you to check out our page on getting help. It has some really helpful tips on how else you can communicate to another about what is going on for you!

In terms of help we also have some pages on how you can manage your anxiety and especially if you’re having a panic attack. Please feel free to check out our pages on calming anxiety and panic and grounding techniques. Hopefully you can implement some of those ideas to help you cope better with your anxiety.

I really hope that this has been helpful for you and that you’re able to talk to your Dad again and that he believes you!

I’m thinking of you!

Take care,

Lauren

[adult40pisces]

I have Urinary Retention Since earliest I can Remember about 2 year’s old and had not started potty training at all but, Everytime Flood My Diaper at Once, Parent’s would have it soak there shirt, and then go to give me to other parent quickly and dropped m only a couple time’s but caught me by leg a couple time’s to so I didn’t hit ground, luckily, but would feel bad and try to make best of it and make joke’s and in conversation use I remember them talking then about how sister was due to being born in short months ahead and so why not get one kid out of diaper’s before other kid get’s here, save money, and hey look at it this way (said to my mother) we won’t have to work about soaked shirt’s from or soaked diaper’s leak’s. So, as far as I know they just thought that flooding diaper’s and Leak’s at 2 year’s old was normal not medical problem of having Urinary Retention before Muscles had even been training exercise’s (potty training) . They could not hold urine , having (URINARY RETENTION) any other way for that long to flood my diaper, I WOULD HAVE HAD TO HAVE HAD POTTY TRAINING OR MEDICAL PROBLEM DIAGNOSIS (URINARY RETENTION) OR SOMETHING IT IS IN SYMPTOMS FOR ANOTHER DIAGNOSIS, THEY AS I KNOW IT DID NOT SEE A MEDICAL PROBLEM THAT THEY KNEW OF EXISTING BACK IN 1983, 1984 I turned 2 in February 24th, SO I was then after taken out of diaper’s and potty trained and never medically seen that early of it started until thought and remembered this, last doctor’s visit for urologist diagnosed it as Chronic Frequent Urination, CHRONIC PROSTATITIS, AND WHEN I TOOK FIRST MEDICINE FROM UROLOGIST PRESCRIBED IT GAVE ME A UMBILICAL CORDING HERNIA ON BELLY BUTTON AREA. Anyone know anything about this and what it could be if symptom’s of something else? Hopefully not worse condition? I do not mind wearing diaper’s, I do like diaper’s, but when I not high on drug that is a street drug, it’s a stimulant type drug, And been about a week or couple day’s before a week I have to get up repeatedly over and over to pee and can not pee into diaper unless I get up out of bed to do it, so those time’s when not been high for that long which is of 5-7 ish day’s or less now being even a couple to few day’s even. I just take diaper off and won’t wear it, because male’s no point too when have to get up repeatedly and can’t even pee in it when laying down then. When I am high or just recently had I feel more comfortable with wearing them and it is easier for urinating, (To Come Out) into diaper. ALSO, REALLY STRANGE ABOUT HOW SINCE BIRTH I HAVE A SCAR FROM MY BUTTHOLE TO TESTICLES SACK, LIKE STITCHED CLOSING UP SOMETHING AND LATER I WILL TELL YOU HOW HOSPITAL AND MY FAMILY WHEN ASKED WON'T TELL ME ANYTHING BUT LIE'S INSTEAD OF ANSWER'S, I HAVE TRIED SEVERAL THING'S SO FAR AND NOT RESULT'S YET, COVER UP I SAY, SO NO LAWSUIT, BUT, ? WHY FAMILY LYING? , (I DON'T KNOW .) Please, any info you know would be great. Thank You ,Clifton,

[entireoranges]

Been sick since Tuesday night (its Friday now) sore throat, bad runny nose, and though the thermometer never says I have a fever you can feel the heat coming off of me. I was off Wednesday and Thursday which worked out however Thursday night, early Friday morning was hell (and first time the temperature was like 99.8) Jason and I decided for me to go ahead and fail the health assessment and call off. I have discussed that assessment many times, it's purpose is to catch people with covid from going into work, though in reality if you answer honestly ANY illness gets triggered as stay home. Like one question is something like "have you had any of the following symptoms not diagnosed by a medical professional; cough, sore throat, lose of smell, dizziness, fever..." Etc. Well I haven't been to a doctor so no nothing has been diagnosed and I have some of those symptoms which means an answer of yes. Automatically I fail and get told to stay home. But here is the part I really don't understand... why aren't associates failing the assessment left and right? So many people go in with sickness symptoms and I guarantee most didn't go to the doctor and get told it was just a cold; the truth likely is (and reddit posts/comments confirm this) they think it's 100% only for official covid and they'll get fired if later they don't show proof they had it. Totally one hundred percent not true. Or the associate is a goody two shoes and a suck up and even with a 103 fever and barfing they'd go in to be a team player. Eh, sorry but screw those people LOL. I have lost track of how times I have failed, five at least. Yes, I have lied before because I needed some paid time off. Do I think there is a chance work might be suspicious? Yeah, but they can't do anything about it. It's not my fault I understand how the assessment really works and am aware of my emergency time off bank, which I think the bulk of people don't know that's a thing. Jason wants me to file an official claim which hopefully will be accepted (don't see why not) and get paid. It's the 19th now, assessment said stay home until the 29th... I'm pretty confident I'll be better by then but since I don't know when exactly I will be better... yeah I'm thinking of putting in for all ten. Because why the fuck not. I'm aware Black Friday is this coming week, oh well they can figure out what to do with one missing cashier. One thing I'm unsure about is if I'll still get my 25% holiday shopping discount bonus where you have to work all Black Friday events unless an excused absence, does failing the assessment and being gone a week plus a bit too much? It'll suck to miss it, though in reality life will move on as normal and we don't need more stuff anyways. More likely would use towards groceries. Yet we have NO money anyways... Oh and in a few days I'll get a fb message from personal lead which will come off as pretty sarcastic of "I see you failed the assessment AGAIN" not in caps but trust me the energy is there. Why yes ___ I did! And you can't do shit about it. But don't worry I'll be be out of your hair in a few months when I move. No, I won't actually say that 😉