#incorrect david rossi

[emilyshotchrocket]

Hotch, on a team night out: I need to get something off my chest.

Emily: is it your shirt? Please do.

Garcia: I humbly second that statement.

Morgan: please don’t.

Rossi: I'm so close to going into my second retirement, I don’t know why I agreed to come out with you people.

[omnigraphsblog]

Rossi, walking into his mansion: Hello, people who do not live here.

Emily: Hey.

Hotch: Hi.

Spencer: Hello.

Derek: Hey!

Rossi: I gave you the key to my place for emergencies only!

Emily: We were out of Doritos.

[lilliejareau]

“we listen and we don’t judge.”

penelope: one time reid gave me a tiny potted plant but it turns out it was actually plastic and he didn’t know so i pretended to water it for three years.

bau: we listen and we don’t judge.

JJ: sometimes when Henry wakes me up by jumping on my back, I feel like throwing him across the room for a split second.

bau: we listen and we don’t judge.

emily: one time when I was mad at Morgan for not sticking up for me during a case, I dipped his travel toothbrush in the toilet and didn’t rinse it off after and he used it about an hour later.

morgan: bitch what?!?

emily: we listen and we don’t judge!

[shinyglimmer-cm]

Rossi, texting Hotch: Who are you? Emily changed all my contact names.

Hotch: What did she change my name to?

Rossi: Batman.

Hotch: Don't change it back.

Rossi: But who the fuck are you?

Hotch: I'm Batman.

[scarlettjemily]

The bau doing the trauma candy salad trend

JJ: hi i’m jj and i was kidnapped and tortured and i brought m&ms

Emily: hi i’m emily and i was kidnapped and tortured and i brought m&ms

Spencer: hi i’m spencer and I was kidnapped and tortured and i brought m&ms

Hotch: hi i’m aaron and I was kidnapped and tortured and i brought m&ms

Morgan: hi i’m derek and I was kidnapped and tortured and i brought m&ms

Rossi: hi i’m david and I was kidnapped and tortured and i brought m&ms

Garcia: hi i’m penelope and I was kidnapped and tortured and i brought m&ms

Tara: … what the fuck

[ineedreid]

The BAU at the Zoo:

Hotch: *Reading a map* If we just follow-

Emily: *Already climbing into the penguin exhibit*

Garcia: *Feeding an animal she 100% was not supposed to feed*

Reid: *Accidentally leading a group tour because he started talking*

Morgan: *Being stalked by a very aggressive goose*

Rossi: *Bribing a zookeeper to let him pet a tiger*

Hotch: WHERE DID YOU ALL GO?

[lazyclumzycat-blog]

Just let him make the best pasta you'll ever have.

[theunholyvirginemilyprentiss]

THE BAU AT A THEME PARK:

SPENCER: Got separated from the group whilst wandering the arcade and is waiting at the lost children’s point to be collected by one of his father figures.

MORGAN: Got stuck on a broken down rollercoaster and is trying so hard not to freak out in front of the hottie in the seat beside him.

PENELOPE: Has won the jackpot on an arcade machine, currently eating cotton candy and taking pictures of Morgan up in the broken-down roller coaster as she waits for her cash prize.

EMILY: On her third ride through the haunted house ride with JJ.

JJ: Eating roasted peanuts and clutching the giant bear Emily won her at the water gun mini-game stand. The ride doesn’t frighten her, but she’ll take any excuse to clutch onto Emily’s arm…

ELLE: Sitting in the car with Tara listening to Destiny’s Child. “Hey, that guy on the broken roller coaster kind of looks like Morgan...”

TARA: “I’ll get Gideon’s birdwatching binoculars.”

GIDEON: Wandering around the aquarium with his phone switched off, telling anyone who asks that he came here alone.

Meanwhile, at the lost children’s point…

ROSSI: “Hello, we’re looking for a scrawny, puppy-eyed genius with boyband hair and sweaty palms?”

HOTCH: “I got a text saying ‘dad, help.’ We’re assuming he’s here.”

Check out my Masterlist for more BAU scenarios.

[eternlmoonshine]

bau as text posts 3/?

[spencestiel-michelle]

*Fire alarms go off in FBI building at 7:45 am*

Hotch: alright, that’s the annual fire drill. everybody stay calm and exit the-

*Penelope RUNS out of the room*

Hotch: GARCIA? 

Penelope, running down the hall: I NEED MY PLUSHIESSSS. THEY WILL SURVIVE!!!

Hotch: it’s just a drill-

Reid, fretting: HAS EVERYBODY READ MY EMERGENCY FIRE DRILL PROCEDURES???

*Emily throws herself through the glass window* 

Derek: we’re on the sixth floor, how’s she gonna…? 

Hotch: will everyone please calm down, it’s ONLY a- 

*Reid stops, drops, and rolls around the floor* 

Derek shrugs and starts doing super-spy moves (somersaults, unnecessary turns, etc.) to maneuver around the building, evading the “fire”

Hotch: i truly don’t know why i even try…… where’s Dave? 

*David Rossi has yet to step inside the building this morning with the foreknowledge of the annual fire drill*

Rossi, sipping coffee, leaning against the building: i wonder how he’s doing this year. 

*JJ arrives late*

JJ: hey, what’d i miss? 

Rossi: annual fire drill. 

JJ: ah.

JJ: ooh. 

Rossi: yeah. 

[myanxietydemonaretootired]

Hotch: look at this team, we have everything. We have lesbians *points to Tara and Emily*, we have bisexuals *points to Spencer and JJ*, we have a guy who thinks he's straight *points to Alvez* we have a magical creature *points to Penelope*, we have trauma *points to a giant mirror*, and we have a tiny italian man *points to Rossi*

[emilyshotchrocket]

Hotch: Every time I'm around Emily My pulse quickens, My breath shortens and my temperature skyrockets.

Hotch: I think I'm Allergic to her.

JJ: Lord, give this man a smack upside the head.

Rossi: you don't need God for that, I myself am pretty capable.

[criminalmindsfanantic]

Emily: What did you get Garcia for her birthday?

JJ: I got her a kitten.

Emily: Really? Me too!

Hotch: I also got her a cat.

Derek: Looks like we all had the same idea.

JJ: Reid, please tell me you didn't get Garcia a cat too!

Reid: ...I got her a kitten.

*later*

Garcia, in her apartment surrounded by cats and kittens: This is the best birthday ever!

[lilliejareau]

JJ: whoever introduced emily to Gen Z slang, you’ve created a monster. she looked me dead in the eye and said, “eating would be a slay thing to do right now.”

spencer: i heard her say “bet” to hotch after he gave her an order..

rossi: she literally said “no cap” during a briefing. i thought i was hearing things

emily: man yall just some haters fr.

hotch: for the love of God, find me who did this.

[shinyglimmer-cm]

JJ: I wish I had a super tight-knit group of friends that I fought crime with.

Emily: I wish I had a super tight-knit group of friends that I committed crimes with.

Garcia: I wish I had a super tight group of criminals that I knitted with.

Reid: I wish I had a group of friends.

Rossi: I wish I could knit.

[spenc3-reid]

Pt 2