#incorrect tws

[zb1bies]

jeonghan: We're having a baby.

tws: Oh, congratu-

seungkwan, slamming adoption papers onto the table: It's you, sign here.

or respectively..

jeonghan: We're having a baby.

enhypen: Oh, congratu-

seungkwan and hoshi, slamming adoption papers onto the table: It's you, sign here.

[altadoodler-2020-2025]

i hc them as slavic (+ german). you can't change my mind, i've had this hc for years

[p1nkshield]

Damian: Todd prepare. I’m going to kill you!

Jason: you can try but it probably won’t stick!

Bruce: what is this about?

Jason: I sent baby pictures of knife child to the robins group chat.

Damian: WHY DO YOU EVEN HAVE THOSE TODD?!?

Jason: If I wanted something I would bribe Talia with them.

Damian: what? LIES! NEITHER OF MY PARENTS WOULD STOOP TO SUCH A LEVEL RIGHT FATHER?

Bruce: …

Damian: father?

Bruce:… how much?

Damian: FATHER?!?

Bruce: name your price!

Damian: NO!

[secretidentie]

Tim for literally no reason: Hey Jason do yk where I can get some cocaine

Jason: Why tf do you need cocaine

Tim: I'm a teenage CEO why tf do you think I need cocaine

Jason: Fair enough. But I'm still not selling you cocaine

Tim: Why not? I just want to hang out with the other young finance bros

Jason: Hey dick head, tell your brother I'm not giving him cocaine

Dick: Tim are you okay? do you want to talk about this??

Tim: Uhg I'm fine. You're the one ones who said I should stop drinking coffee

Jason: and you thought this was a good alternative???

Tim: Come on I'll only do a little

Dick: Is this coz we spoiled the ending of wolf of Wallstreet

Tim: Why can't I just have some? You do!

Jason: No I don't

Tim: You're a crime lord

Dick: Yeah isn't it like part of the job

Jason: WHAT NO Stereotype much. I've never even seen cocaine up close

Tim: YOU'RE A CRIME LORD

Jason: Yeah not a drug dealer THERE'S A DIFFERENCE

Tim: I should have known your not cool enough to have drug dealer connections

Jason: OKAY YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA BUY A FUCK TON OF COCAINE AND DO IT RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU JUST TO RUB IT IN

Dick: Woah woah that's enough both of you. No one in this house is doing drugs. If anyone talks about cocaine again I'll tell Bruce you said you want to start a new crack epidemic. He'll make you sit in at strangers AA meetings and read through old case files of ex dealers and their autopsies. Don't. TEST. me.

Tim: ............

Jason: ............

Tim: Can you sell me meth?

[batfam-stuff-posts-0]

Judge: Does the defendant have any special requests?

Tim: Death penalty.

Dick: Tim, it was just a parking ticket-

Tim, leaning into the mic: Please kill me.

[sunflwrapple]

MC, peacefully cooking dinner : (◜〰◝)

Sylus, already regretting what he’s about to do :

Sylus : Bitch, what’s for dinner

[The peaceful atmosphere dropped]

MC : ..grilled cheese..

Sylus : . . .

[Sylus hands MC the loaded gun, before kneeling down]

Sylus : Just shoot me to end my suffering, please. I don’t deserve your forgiveness.

MC : Sylus—

[frownyalfred]

Tim, interrupting one of Two-Face’s long-ass monologues: --just stop being a cunt, okay?

Two-Face: and I — excuse me?

Tim:

Two-Face:

Tim, crossing his arms: wassup?

[thesecretdcblog]

Tim: I started taking edibles at night, these chocolate covered blueberries, to help me sleep - because if I'm gonna be a drug addict I'm gonna have a treat

Tim: And at the beginning I was so nervous about becoming a "druggie" that I would cut them in half, and just nibble on half. Until I got sleepy.

Tim: Do you know how afraid of your own personality you have to be, to be hunched over one blueberry - the smallest of the fruits - with a plastic knife from Taco Bell like "Ooh be careful. You don't want to be fun to hang out with."

Dick: *horrified noises*

[incorrect-batfam-quotes-mostly]

Tim: this sucks, I'm gonna-

Tim: *remembers Dick said s*icide jokes aren't good for him*

Tim: be the best detective this town has ever seen

[midnightsunnyday]

Lucifer: What a wonderful end to a perfect evening.

MC: I agree. I had a lot of fun with you tonight, Lucifer.

Lucifer: I'm glad to hear it. Though perhaps we should continue said "fun" in my room?

MC: That's ok, I'm feeling a bit tired anyway, so I'll head on back.

Lucifer: No, what I meant was we should allow ourselves to get further acquainted...alone...in my room.

MC: Oh, Lucifer, I already spend plenty of time alone with you. No need to get possessive.

Lucifer: That's not what I...look, what I'm saying is I'd like to know you more intimately, preferably without your clothes, if you catch my drift.

MC: Oh, so I see.

Lucifer: Indeed.

MC: ...

Lucifer: ...

MC: ...So are you saying you hate my outfit? Because I tried to go for a more casual look but--

Lucifer: I'M TRYING TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU.

MC: WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?

[zb1bies]

jeonghan: What did you guys do?

tws:

jeonghan: You’re not in trouble, I just need to know if I have to lie to Cheol again or not.

[reality-itself-but-magic]

Cody, over text: General how do I get blood out of my eye?

Obi-wan: Why is there blood in your eye?

Cody: because of the cut in my eye

Obi-wan: How did you get a cut in your eye?

Cody: Knife

Obi-wan: How did you get a knife cut in your eye

Cody: I got a knife thrown at me

Obi-wan: Who threw a knife at your eye???

Cody: Rex

Obi-wan:

Cody: Don’t worry, it was an accident

Obi-wan:

[jestercatkermy]

I’m so burnt out I need this semester to end so bad so take this stupid thing I drew instead of doing my chemistry homework

[fruityspaceboy]

Loki: …

Y/N: *raises an eyebrow skeptically* ... Why are you being so quiet?

Loki: *failing to sound convincing* Well… I'm pregnant.

Y/N: *raises eyebrow higher* No, you're not... Whatchu do?

Loki: I may, or may have not… gotten… a kitten…

Y/N: Whuat?!

Loki: *brings out a rather weird looking kitten*

Y/N: *slightly shock, but retrospectively unsurprised* Is… is that a Flerken?!

Loki: *is grinning like an idiot* It's a kitten.

Y/N: *realization hits* Oh my fucking Hel, that is a Flerken! Where'd you find A bloody Flerken?

Loki: *insistent* IT'S A KITTEN ~

Y/N: *useless reasoning* It literally has Tentacles! It’s stomach's basically a Bag of Holding!

*A couple seconds of Silence*

Loki: *starting to grin again* We gonna keep it tho, yeah?

Y/N: *now grinning too* Don’t know, why you even ask. Heck yeah we gonna keep it.

Loki: And we’re gonna name it Hannibal.

[sdv-said-what]

He would do this SPECIFICALLY to piss Morris off, trust-

[sunflwrapple]

[Y/N & Jason relaxing on the bed]

Y/N :

Y/N : I kind of feel like an orange

Jason, sleeping on ur chest : I feel like a tomato..

Y/N : no— *laughs*

Y/N : I mean like— eating an orange 😂

Jason : oh 😲 we got one in the kitchen 😊

Y/N : but… I don’t feel like peeling it

Jason : I’ll peel it for you

Jason : I’ll cut it for you

Jason : I’ll sauté it. Whatever you want

Y/N : *overwhelmed by cuteness aggression and hugs him tightly*

Jason, voice muffled : babe, I need to breathe!