#man alan in this one... he has this one shot that is kind of enough to make you forget about the song

[picspammer]

never let me down

[eldizzle69]

“Finding out they’re their crushes ideal type”

masterlist

including :: captains pt1

“I have something to ask you,” said the random student you had never seen before. And you thought it would be harmless to hear him out. Maybe he had something important to say? What you weren’t expecting was for him to drop to one knee and pull out a ring.

“(Name),” the student went on despite your uncomfortably shocked face, “will you do me the honor and marry me?”

The students in the halls all stopped and stared, further making you uncomfortable. “Uhh, sorry dude you’re not my type,” you tried to gently turn him down.

Your words did little though. The boy shot up with a determined face and took your hand roughly. Both you and him unaware of the ghoul about to step in. “then tell me, what is you type?” The boy asked, “I’ll do everything I can to be the man you want.”

“Well….”

—Jin Kamurai

“I want a man who has a good financial standing, someone who can support me.”

The guy furrowed his brows but smiled nonetheless, “alright! If you wait for me I can-“

“You do yourself a favor and let go while you still have hands,” said a low voice. Looking up the voice belonged to none of then the Frostheim captain himself.

The guy that had proposed to you sputtered and searched for words to prove his case. But one glare from Jin shut him up quickly. Soon, before you know, the guy was scampering off.

Rubbing your now sore wrist you smiled at Jin, “you’re a life saver Jin!” Jin only stared at you blankly, seemingly deep in thought. Without another second to waste he turned away and walked began to walk (probably to Frostheim, that’s enough action for the day).

The next you heard of him was a text he sent you only an hour later with the usual “come to my room”.

•the proposal pissed him off fr. Make sure you wash your hands there’s no telling what disease that thing carries.

•but now he knows you like people with money so expect to be spoiled.

•he thinks he’s slick but he’s really not

•new clothes and shoes, even some expensive looking jewelry.

•he wants to make sure you know he has the funds to take care of you.

—Alan Mido

“I want a man who could fight for me, someone who can protect me.”

In a split second, wasting no time, the tough hand was snatched off you. “Keep your hands off her,” Alan grumbled now standing in front of you protectively.

Within seconds the guy who had confessed to you was shivering with fear. He sputtered out an apology before he made a quick escape to safety.

“Are you okay?” Alan said after a moment of silence, he reached his hand out to take your wrist into his but stopped halfway there. Almost as if there was sudden fear is his body he froze, before pulling his hand back.

“I’m alright thanks to you,” you couldn’t help but smile and show off your wrist void of any injury other than a red mark where he had grabbed you. Alan’s eyes narrowed at the red mark but didn’t say anything else.

•Alan has not the slightest idea what to do with this new information

•on one hand he feels kinda happy, because he knows he has the strength to protect you.

•but he also knows he has the strength to hurt you as well.

•so he’s at a cross road of letting himself fall further in love with you

•or pushing you away completely for your safety.

—Haru Sagara

“I would love a man who’s good with animals.”

“That’s me! I’ve got two goldfish in a tank at home—“

“(Name)! There you are! I was looking up and down for you!” A arm was slung over your shoulder in a friendly manner. The familiar “boo” caught your attention as well. Haru smiled brightly as he gave his usual friendly greeting.

The guy who had proposed to you reached forward and roughly tightened his grip on your hand, “we’re kind an the middle of something right now—“

“Ah no! That won’t do,” Haru said with a frown and quickly removed your hand from the students, his touch gentler. “Just like anomalies, you should touch people without permission!”

“Haru did you need my help?” You asked feeling the irritation radiating off the proposing student. Haru nodded and turned his full attention to you, “Yeahh! Would you come to Jabberwock with me?” He asked, but oddly enough there was a slight blush dusting his cheeks. With a nod from you, the two of you simply left the student standing there, making your way to Jabberwock.

“Sooo uh, you like guys who are good with animals?”

•”pick me, choose me, love me”—Haru 2025

•Haru can’t help but get a little blushy hearing that he fits your ideal type. He likes to think he’s pretty good with the animals!

•he’ll probably ask you about your ideal type in more detail after the fiasco

•he’s not good at hiding why he’s asking

•probably gonna get drunk and brag about being your ideal type to Rui and Romeo.

—Taiga Hoshibana

“I like my men a little crazy.”

Everyone froze. No one dared to move as a gun shot sounded. The man that had proposed to lay on the floor, a smoking bullet laid a little too close to his foot. It as silent for a few more seconds before a cold voice sounded, “scram,” Taiga said gruffly.

Within seconds the man who proposed o you bolted off. Probably going somewhere very far from Taiga.

Then it was like a full 360 twitch happened to Taiga as he threw his arm over your shoulder with a laugh, “Gyahaha! There you are kitty! I was lookin for ya!”

•if Taiga has gotten far enough to like you that means he remembers you

•and Taiga is POSSESSIVE! What’s his is his and no body is going to touch it.

•So he probably wouldn’t. Take too kindly to someone making any kind of moves on you

•so much so that it would over shadow the actual thing of you revealing your preferences.

•he just needs his kitty by his side, opinions be damned.

[jimmyspades]

I sent the fatherly pinstripe suit ask half way through the ep. HOWEVER!!! That night he told Denny that he got his university girlfriend pregnant…. He was SO close to becoming a dad </3 

2 eps later and we get FANTASTIC shots of Alan in an old timey swimsuit

This is only tangentially related but Alan is such an interesting character to me partly bc of his lack of anger. Like of course he gets pissed off but he rarely loses his temper, he’s just not an angry man. And you think about everything he’s been through—his parents’ neglect, being abused as a teenager, losing his wife, even “smaller” things like the abortion

All these things totally out of his control and he could rage against them or anyone, he could be that nasty cruel person, but he doesn’t, he isn’t. He doesn’t complain when he’s talking about his parents, just states things plainly; he doesn’t express anger over his wife’s death (whether it was sudden or not we don’t know but I have Theories); he’s even polite to one of the women who abused him; he’s hurt that he wasn’t consulted but still fully concedes it was his girlfriend’s call to not have the baby, he acknowledges how she must’ve been feeling

He’s got this sort of passive attitude about how he got here, why he is this way. And idk whether that’s acceptance like “these things happened, they were hard but they don’t define me :)” or acceptance like “I deserved all of that”

But under that aloofness, the detachment he tries to maintain, he IS working hard, he’s actively handling things. I think his goal is to have enough control to make sure those things don’t happen to him again. He’s not going to be angry and let it eat away at him, but he’s not going to be abandoned, he’s not going to be used unless it’s on his terms, he’s not going to be in a position where someone else makes his decisions. Maybe that’s why he was so weird in LA when Denny wanted power of attorney to “pull his plug” if anything happened to Alan. Alan has no problem taking care of Denny, but even Denny—who is so often the exception to strict Shore rules—is not permitted to hold that kind of authority over Alan’s autonomy

Wow this was so totally not what this ask is about. But yes his cute little old man Coney Island 1920s swimsuit are you kidding me. The way he waddles around the office in his flippers I’m smooching tf outta him!!!

[marinacourage]

unpopular opinion but i want Way to get shot while saving Babe but not die and then episode ending with Pete sitting beside Way in hospital. Man is redeemed for everything he did to babe. ( I think it won't make much sense for him to fall for Pete so fast when few days ago he was still pining for his 10 year crush. I want him to take some time. )

And season 2 , I want him to go real apeshit.

Like the way all these hate posts about him make him sound 1000 times worse than he actually is.😑 I mean I fully agree he's has done some very creepy bad villainous deeds lying, manipulating but man Tony, the actual child trafficker doesn't receive 10 % of hate of what Way recieves.😒It's sad and unfortunate but jail doesn't exist for lying and manipulation but child trafficking is serious punishable offence. I have no idea of omegaverse constitution but since Babe have super senses and haven't failed dope test of car racing, so I guess using senses for manipulation also doesn't land you in jail there. ( not my fault, talk to omegaverse lawmakers 🤷‍♀️).

But like people wishing death ending for him, judging him irredeemable, making him sound like some heinous horrible psychopathic serial killer or serial sexual crime offender. 🙃As far I remember even Vegas haven't received this amount of hate when in front of him, Way is a very tame villain. Way does deserve hate but not this much amount of biased hate. 🙂

With the kind of powers Way possess, the world could be in his control. But He manipulated his friend to come to him whenever there's a problem and kept him from having relationship ( even without Way manipulation babe couldn't be in healthy lovely relationship before Charlie because "SMELL"🤢) . I agree Way is definitely very bad person here but I mean he could have been worse. Though that definitely doesn't make him good person, there's a difference, it gives him chance of redeeming himself.

But no, since no one cares, fuck therapy and good guy image. In season 2 , Babe is out of his life ( vacationing somewhere with Charlie and kids) and Way has saved him from death once so their chapter close. Since he experienced almost death once so now it's like a new birth, new life for him, where he's seriously considering his life choices. When he looks in mirror and realises people should go to war for this face.😳 ( yes i read your previous post ) And so this time he should fully unleash his inner mean bitch, go fully unhinged while falling obsessively, possesively for Pete, where he gives no single fucks about anyone except Pete, no babe, no alan, no one else. Just Pete.

Man has been sad and cried enough for 10 yrs. Enough he has kept things in his mind and smiled fake. Now Way doesn't care about etiquettes and keeping faces but spit mean true facts straight on people faces. 😈With the powers he have everyone should be scared of him. Like I want Way to Show them how crazy in love he can be and how far he can cross the lines when he so so deeply falls for someone and that person accepts him. What it actually means when he abuses his powers fully on others with sole reason to keep them away from Pete. What it actually means when he is really possesive and obsessed and how he actually gaslit, gatekeep, girlboss. Him getting on the nerves of every single person and they could do nothing.

I'm not Way apologist, neither I have suffered second lead syndrome from him in beginning. AlanJeff are my bias but I truly enjoy Way character too. But some of the hate posts really annoys me. I don't know what he deserves or not deserves for what he did to Babe, but i really want to see him go crazy batshit for once and fully unleash his inner lunatic bitch in love potential.😌

you almost quoted me with the “getting shot by saving babe waking up in hospital with pete by his side” since that’s exactly how I see their finale and I wrote it yesterday as an answer to a post here on tumbler 😅

honestly I don’t see too much hate towards way, maybe because I’m not looking 😅 i want to believe that many people see where his obsession is coming from, the manipulator manipulated into some pathetic deeds by a more powerful force. what pushed me to empathise with him were his words that went something like “I hoped that if I do what Tony says it will be over” because I can see how a person would be so out of their mind because of constant pressure that they’ll do even violent and disgusting things if it would make it easier on them. I might be wrong of course, I might see the situation wrongly too, but those are my thoughts so far.

i actually don’t believe that way is inherently evil. for me he’s a mean girl that needs a person who will like him and love him for who he is, and not despite who he is. as of now he’s never been fully honest with anybody but pete so even if someone liked him they liked the illusion of him and not the broken sad obsessed failure of a man with gorgeous eyes he is.

I’m almost sure there will be no season 2 but in my mind way will leave racing and lean more into the customer service in the car dealership he works at if I remember correctly. use his talents in a less evil manner let’s say 😅 and ofc pete will be slowly breaking him out of his shell and prove to him that he can be loved in a very sincere way, and Pete’s love must be strong as hell. they are 100% gonna be that one couple that exists in their own world even surrounded by other people.

as for possessiveness I actually believe it would take way lots of time to realise he has the right claim pete in any way, I have a hc that when way finds out that kenta was/is in love with pete he will withdraw severely because he wouldn’t dare to compete, he’s not worthy, same old.

but when in established relationship way would certainly recover his bad bitch persona and be the legendary trophy wife pete deserves.

wow that was a long ass reply 😅 i wonder if you’re the same anon as the previous ask :)

anyways, very interesting discussion, holding out for Friday now ✊

[reefer-reelz-n-reviews]

Alice (2009)

Smoking: Neil Bongstrong

So, this technically isn’t a movie, but a tv mini Series and definitely one of my favorites. We follow Caterina Scorsone, Alice, as she travels to… you guessed it! Wonderland.

My husband and I are currently watching Law and Order SVU, and there is a new ADA played by Philip Winchester who is Jack Chase in this series. So, I’ve been itching to watch it every time we see him pop up on the screen.

This week’s is a little bit harder. I have a poor sick kitten who is demanding love and attention so having double duty.

We basically have all of the characters from the original in here. There is the white rabbit, played by Alan Gray. He isn’t really a rabbit just a man that is running from CS and his hair is long and in two low pony tails that look as if they are his ears.

CS goes through the looking glass into almost half a world. It is floating and boy is it a long way down if you fall. I like to think of this as more of a modern-day Alice, where she is smarter 😂 By smarter I mean she doesn’t take the bate to drink the vile, but still gets captured. Also, not a blonde but brunette. Maybe that’s why she is smarter 🤣 don’t take offense if you’re blonde please, just making a joke.

The first time I watched it was with my friend Rachel and I was soooo baked! There is a scene where people are almost like at the stock market yelling out numbers to purchase emotions. The first time I watched it I thought they were all whispering. Almost like they were in a bubble. Totally not what happens 😂

This happens at the Tea House. And guess who runs it? None other than Hatter, played by Andrew Lee Potts. I’ve been in love with him ever since I’ve watched it 😍

There is even a larger gentleman, Dave ‘Squatch’ Ward that plays the Walrus. Though he is more of an enforcer if you will.

In this adaptation The Queen of Hearts, played by THE Kathy Bates, is married to of course the King of Hearts, Colm Meaney.

Not only do we have KB in here. But the magnificent Tim Curry!! He plays Dodo. He isn’t in too much of the series. But just having him in it is enough for me 😄

KB still likes to take the heads of those who oppose her.

I love how ALP gets shot by TC and he acts like he’s all super hurt and CS is all concerned just to find out that he is wearing a bullet proof vest.

What did I say about it being a long way down? There is the March Hair looking for CS. Though he is called Mad March in this. He straight up threw a guy off of the edge and you just hear him scream allllll the way down.

There is even a Jabberwock! It looks nothing like the one from the one from Tim Burton’s Alice. It actually looks a little derpy 😂

My favorite character is the White Knight, played by Matt Frewer. He is goofy, does a lot of synonyms. Or as I pronounce them cinnamons lolololol. He also apparently does toe nail readings 🤔 whatever that means.

Another similarity is that there is the same cat, Dinah, that surprise CS follows in the forest. Though she turns into the Cheshire Cat.

The part with Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum is played by Eugene Lipinski, and he’s some kind of mind doctor where they try to find out information form CS. There are some trippy backgrounds that are almost like a hypnosis.

Love when ALP and MF are trying to sneak in to the Casino and ALP has this hat trick 🤣 wish I was that cool.

There is a different kind of flamingo. They don’t play croquet, more of fly on them. Watching them on it makes me think of “Choking the Chicken” 😂☠️

How trippy is it to make a reality extend when you enter it from another door. Press of a button, boom the rest of the roof of a building, plus the remaining part of the decaying world.

Definitely a good thing that SC was doing Karate in the real world. Helps her to be able to escape. Then she takes a flamingo through the forest almost like she’s racing on Endor with Leia 🤣

It would be so weird to sit in a room full of eyeballs just staring at you. And way to have terrible hiding skills. Literally they hid behind a pillar but there were people coming form the left. They so would have seen them 🙄

Alice of course brings down the house and wins. She set Wonderland free from the evil queen of hearts.

Thanks for reading!

Toke on! 😶‍🌫️

-RRR

[adamwatchesmovies]

The Crush (1993)

The Crush makes a bad movie out of a worse premise. Granted, writer/director Alan Shapiro did base this story on an incident he experienced but I doubt anyone alive could be as stupid as this film’s protagonist unless they were some kind of creep. Speaking of which, this film threatens to turn you into one with its loving shots of Alicia Silverstone playing a 14-year-old.

Twenty-eight-year-old writer Nick Eliot (Cary Elwes) moves into the guest house of Cliff and Liv Forrester (Gwynyth Walsh and Kurtwood Smith) and meets their daughter, Darian* (Silverstone). The girl soon becomes obsessed with Nick and when he rebukes her advances, she won’t take “no” for an answer.

*Please note that in some versions of the film, Darian’s name has been changed to Adrian. I watched the film on VHS where the original spoken language remains.

This is a pretty standard thriller cut from the same cloth as Fatal Attraction. The “twist” is that there is no affair. Nick has done nothing wrong but Darian still becomes obsessed with him. At least in theory. To anyone watching, it’s clear that although the film wants to paint Nick as someone who definitely didn’t ask for this, he might’ve been asking for this… at least a little. Maybe times have just changed that much (I wouldn’t be surprised) but Nick's behavior is uncomfortable way too often. First, he tells her “if you were ten years older…”. Then, he looks at her lovingly when she’s sunbathing. Finally, he agrees to drive her out to a remote location in the middle of the night - without her parent’s permission - and when she kisses him, he says nothing about the inappropriate behavior to anyone. I say three strikes, you’re out.

Then again, it might not be that Nick is secretly attracted to Darian - which is too bad because that might’ve made the film more morally ambiguous and interesting - it could be that he’s just a moron. When he submits his first assignment to his new boss, he doesn’t realize Darian has snuck into his computer and edited it - improving the article significantly in the process - until Michael (Matthew Walker) compliments him on his writing. Damn. I knew she was smart but this fourteen-year-old is good enough to write for a magazine? Really? Anyway, after one of his prized photos goes missing, you’d think Nick might… I dunno, lock his door? Change his computer password? Tell someone? Even after Darian literally leaves 99 messages on his answering machine and builds him a secret shrine (complete with those magical candles that never go out and emit no heat), he doesn’t say anything to anyone. Come on, man. At that point, this has gone beyond a simple crush. I know you could take out a teenager with just one punch no matter how manipulative she may be, but there’s still cause for concern, particularly since…

Then, the film gets REALLY creepy. Darian beats herself up, grabs a used condom from Nick’s trash can and puts the sperm inside her body so she can convincingly accuse him of rape. If I may quote Promising Young Woman: “It's every man's worst nightmare, getting accused of something like that.” ”Can you guess what every woman's worst nightmare is?” I don’t want to throw this film’s premise into the fireplace completely. I’ve seen all sorts of wild concepts work with the proper execution. The problem with this “he said, she said” thriller is that the camera shoots Alicia Silverstone, who was 26 at the time but is playing a minor, with all of these shots that tell us we should be attracted to her. We see her undress while Nick is hiding in her closet and see her in several bikinis. At one point, she’s on a swing and her crotch keeps coming towards us over and over. If Nick isn’t attracted to her, why is the camera? I’m not accusing anyone involved in the making of this film of being a predator. What I am saying is that it’s completely tone-deaf and pretty obvious that no woman was ever consulted during the filmmaking process.

With all this out of the way, let me praise Alicia Silverstone in this role. She does this thing where in one scene, she is completely believable as an innocent teenager whose parents would never believe is insane. In the next, she’s demented and disturbingly flirty. The movie is bad. She is not.

If someone had the guts to push the envelope, The Crush might have been provocative and memorable instead of generic. It’s not worth seeing for multiple reasons and I certainly wouldn’t call it “Scary, stylish and very sexy. A top-notch thriller.” unlike Jim Svejda, whose quote is featured on the back of the VHS cover. Yuck! (On VHS, August 11, 2022)

[garbage-connoisseur]

I just finished watching Wes Craven's Swamp Thing from 1982. Important to note is that this movie predates Alan Moore's run of the comics, so it is based exclusively on the earlier, slightly goofier stories. Swamp Thing is almost exactly divided into two halves, both which are enjoyable in wildly different ways. The first half has a lot of beautiful swamp shots, and focuses on establishing characters and stakes. We follow newly arrived Alice Cable (Adrienne Barbeau) at a research station in the middle of a swamp, which we are told is filled with gators and other dangers. Multiple people have either gone missing or are deserting the place, which seems to be performing some secret government-funded scientific experiments. We also get a very fun scene of a group of camouflaged mercenaries ambushing someone in the swamp. One of the mercenaries turns out to be carrying around a venomous snake in his pants, and as he pulls it said trouser snake he wields it like a weapon, making it bite and kill the ambushed man.

The jokes write themselves. We eventually learn that the research is being done by Alec Holland, a character that I would swear was inspired by Jeff Goldblum's sexy Seth Brundle scientist man, if this movie hadn't been released four years earlier than The Fly. As it stands, Alec really wants us to know how sexy the swamp is, setting up for his eventual transportation into a sexy plant man shortly after.

You see, Alec is researching ways to make the plants of the far future of 2004 be resilient enough to grow in hitherto uncultivated climates, which he plans to achieve by injecting an animal nucleus into vegetable cells, thereby imbuing them with the fighting spirit of animals somehow. This feels wrong, but I am not well-versed enough in biology to dispute it.

Either way, Alec briefly turns into Herbert West: Plant Re-Animator after his glow-in-the-dark solution turns out to be a success, once again in a nod to a movie that would only come out three years later, somehow.

At this point characters and stakes have been establishes, so the mercenaries storm the research station, killing everyone but Cable, and dousing Alec with his solution while also setting him on fair, and demonstrating how badly equipped the lab is, without any kind of safety lab shower.

It is at this point that the movie drastically shifts tone, as it turns out that the main antagonist is modelled after the cartoonishly villanous Lex Luther of the Superman movies, and suddenly the movie becomes all about the mysterious Swamp Thing (who could it be??) fist-fighting the military while the self-declared super genius villain attempts to get his hands on the MacGuffin to grant him immortality.

Meanwhile the movie also starts getting things ready for the inevitable supernatural romance subplot as we and Cable learn that the Swamp Thing has a heart of gold beneath its rubbery exterior.

It gets really dumb as the fairly goofy looking Swamp Thing rubber costume gets much too much screen-time for this to still be a horror movie, and a few other silly costumes get added to the mix.

Definitely give this one a watch if you get the chance.

[omg-im-such-a-masochist]

Hello Beautiful! Can I get a Sammy Guevara and Alan Angels headcannon based off this photo? Maybe have it be in the gym or training. Everything else it up to you ❤️

Hello gorgeous 💕 Of course, love! And oh, this will be interesting 😏

@theworldofotps , @writtingrose , @wrestlersownmyheart , @new-zealand-chic , @thealliasylum , @aerynscrichton , @irish-newzealand-idian-dutch , @ava-valerie , @sophiewolfheart-blog

You were entering the locker room area after your workout

Ferociously tipping on your phone

And you were so focused on your task

That you didn’t even noticed that you had entered the male locker room

You thought that something was wrong

When you heard two familiar voices speaking

“Did you see her outfit today?” Alan whistled

“Fuck me, man” Sammy groaned “She was so hot”

“I love when she wears grey leggings” He continued while taking his shirt off

You peaked your head inside the area where the sinks were so you could have a better view of them

But being careful enough so that they don’t see you

“I know” Alan moaned “I swear bro, when I saw her walking in, all my blood shot straight down to my cock and I wanted to just push her down on her knees and make her suck me hard”

From where you stood, you could see Alan taking a handful of his semi hard cock

And you instantly closed your legs in order to have some kind of friction

“Shit” Sammy smirked “While she sucks you, I would fuck her from behind” Sammy closed his eyes and began to thrust his hips

“I would pull her hair back so I could watch her pretty little mouth full of cock” He began to move his hips faster

“Getting ruined” Alan growled “Fuck, I bet she would beg for it”

“And I bet that beneath that sweet little angel face she has, she’s a filthy little slut” Sammy grinned

“So filthy, with cum dripping down her chin” Alan licked his lips

“Makeup ruined and nipples so sensitive from all the twisting, pinching and pulling” Sammy pulled his shorts down and you could see the perfect outline of his hard cock inside his white boxer briefs

“You enjoy being our little fuck doll, don’t you? Yeah, we know you do, because we can see how you moan and spread your wholes to us while begging for cum” Alan grinned

You slid your hand inside your leggings

Ready to give yourself some relief

When you suddenly knocked one of the heavy trash cans down on the floor

“Hello?” Sammy called

And before someone could catch you

You sneaked out of the locker room and ran towards the parking lot

Before anyone noticed the wet spot on your pants

[gumnut-logic]

The Mine (Part 8)

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 - Bit 1 & Bit 2 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8

Here is tonight’s part. This writing every evening thing seems to be working :D

As always, many thanks to @katblu42​ for the readthrough and advice and answering all my manic questions :D

I continue to be surprised and very grateful for all the wonderful support you guys are giving me ::hugs you all tight::

Let’s visit the frantic brothers upstairs :D I hope you enjoy it.

-o-o-o-

I was taken in by the Tracys when I was eight. Young, hurting and frightened.

They have never shown me anything but love and kindness. Even when I struck out in fear.

The name Kayo didn’t come into existence without bruises, you know.

Mr Tracy and his five sons did more for me and my family than anyone alive.

And in turn they suffered so much.

I hate my uncle with the power of suns. For all he has done and all he has hurt.

He can burn in hell.

But the Tracys run by a different moral code. Scott has saved the man! They radiate a goodness of which I honestly don’t think I’m capable.

I’m far from Tracy no matter how I try.

But that is to my advantage. Because I can rescue them from themselves.

From a world that doesn’t deserve them.

Or die trying.

Of course, that assumed they didn’t do something stupid like sacrifice themselves in a mine for the family motto.

“I’m sorry, John, it’s not working.” I swore and stamped my foot on Shadow’s cockpit floor, immediately regretting it. It wasn’t her fault. She could only do what she could.

“Brains, is on his way out. We will identify the cause eventually. In the meantime, I need you and Alan to find a physical work around.”

“FAB.” I sighed and killed off comms. John’s voice was strained. More strained than I’d heard in a long time. He needed to come down after this. Movie night or some other family activity to detox the day.

Once they’d found the rest of the family.

I disengaged Shadow’s claws and shot her up into the air enough to pivot into her landing sequence beside her hulking sister.

Climbing out, I was, as always, struck at how small she was next to Virgil’s ‘bird.

I ignored it. I had more important things to do.

Boarding her, I made my way down to the medbay. And found, as expected, two arguing brothers.

Gordon was at least in bed, but it obviously wasn’t voluntarily as Alan was furious beside him. “You are staying here! Do you want to help or hamper? Because continuing to climb out of bed is stopping me from being able to do anything to help our brothers because I need to attend to you! Do I make myself clear?!”

I froze in the doorway. Wow. Go Allie.

Gordon looked awful – pale and wan, obviously in pain, possibly drugged, definitely not thinking straight.

Alan was red in the face and frantic to impress his right to order his brother to bed.

John had obviously been distracted with the sensor attempts we had been tackling, otherwise a sharp word from orbit would have ended this already.

A sharp word from me was capable of doing something similar.

But I didn’t contact Five or say a thing. I just stood there and watched.

“Am I clear?!”

Gordon was staring at his brother, eyes a little wide. “Uh, yeah.”

“Good!”

Alan deflated a little where he was standing.

“Gentleman?”

Both of them flinched, but at least Alan straightened, a little spine in him as his expression dared me to contradict him.

Good for you, Allie.

I shifted where I stood, placing my weight on my left foot. “Sensor attempts were all failures. We need another plan.”

Gordon caught my eye. “As I was trying to tell Bed Guardian here, Virg used the comms snake when I was incommunicado in that stupid pyramid temple. Assuming Virgil repaired it, and he would have, it should be here on Two. We could give that a try.”

Alan glared at him. “You weren’t telling, you were attempting to show, and fall on your face in the process.” He turned his back on his brother to cut off the building protest. “Kayo-“

But he was cut off by an urgent call from Five. “Guys, One and Two are picking up seismic disturbances in the mine.”

Alan startled. “There is earth movement? Another explosion?!”

“Possibly, though not as powerful as the last one.” A hologram flickered up showing the map they had of the mine. Overlaid were the sketched out verbal directions from the miner they had rescued, and a lone green dot where they estimated their injured brother lay. “By triangulation, the new disturbance is approximately here.” A bubble appeared just above Virgil in the diagram.

God, no.

“What are you saying, John? Where is Scott?” Alan’s voice was tight, as if it was the only thing holding him together.

“I’m saying that the situation has changed, possibly for the worse.”

Alan shifted where he stood, his eyes, blue ice. “We need to make contact with Thunderbirds One and Two.” Those eyes caught mine and I shivered. “Now.”

We both dashed out the door.

-o-o-o-

 Part 9

[teawaffles]

Forbidden Games: Chapter 7

One day, three assassins had gathered for a gunfight.

The three of them had varying levels of skill with a gun. The first assassin had perfect aim. The second could land two shots in three. The last was only able to land one shot in three.

They were to take turns choosing one of the other two to shoot at. In order to compensate for their differences in skill level, they would start from the most inexperienced assassin, who could only land one shot in three.

Now if you were this person, what would you consider the most reasonable thing to do?

The right answer is—— to fire straight into the air, without aiming at either opponent.

Ordinarily, one would think to target the most dangerous assassin, who could land every shot. But if they were struck down, then on the next turn, you would find yourself in the sights of the remaining opponent, who could land two shots in three.

As such, if you were to avoid shooting either party, the next player would definitely target the most dangerous opponent. If they succeed, the subsequent turn would cycle back to you. Hence the best course of action is to shoot no one at the start.

An action that seems meaningless at first glance, may in truth be the most logical choice.

This was a paradox —— the gap between logic and intuition.

“While there are some slight differences, our game bears a striking resemblance to this story, which is why I chose to apply it today. Although, I admit I may have been a bit too dramatic when aiming the gun at myself.”

A contradiction for a contradiction. Saying that, a small smile rose on William’s face. It was the smile of a demon.

For a moment, the extent to which he’d misjudged William had made Alan break out in a cold sweat. But he quickly regained his composure.

“I get it — you’re smart enough to know what you’re doing. But now, what will you do? The chance that your gun will fire in this turn is two-in-five. As for me, with one bullet fired and two left, my chances are the same. We’re even now.”

“But that’s not true. I believe you know very well that on your next turn, your gun will fire,” William asserted.

“……What?”

William brushed his thumb over the revolver in his hand.

“It appears that the guns we were given have been rigged, such that the cylinders will stop at predetermined positions when they are spun. These positions have been marked with scratches. In other words, this game has been a lie from the very beginning.”

William looked at Alan, who was in a daze, as he continued.

“That’s why you were able to add two more bullets to your gun with no hesitation whatsoever. You knew that even if Mr Holmes were to face off with five rounds, the gun would never fire.”

He then struck his index finger against the table.

Alan had been thoroughly shocked when the secret behind the guns was revealed. But now, he retaliated in full force.

“That’s right. These guns are for cheats. Why wouldn’t I use them in this game? Counting from the chamber where the cylinder stops, my revolver has three consecutive chambers loaded. But only the last two chambers of your gun are filled. ——Do you get it? This means your gun will not fire this turn, and on my turn, mine will definitely fire. The game has already been decided.”

“I’ll throw that question back to you. Do you understand what it means for us to know about this trick?”

Somewhat stunned by his opponent’s lack of awareness, William proceeded to explain the situation with eloquence.

“In our previous match, I said something to Mr Holmes. ‘Allow me to advance a proposition. Two chambers— don’t fill them.’”

There was another meaning behind those awkward words. “What it meant was, ‘Advance by two chambers’. After that, Mr Holmes violently loaded the gun —— so much so, that he had scratched the cylinder too.”

Alan covered his mouth with his hand as he looked at his own gun.

“……No way—”

“Because the two of us were given new revolvers, and you chose to use the gun from our previous match, you are now holding a revolver with two chambers’ worth of scratch marks added. Although the previous scratches remained…… since it was Mr Holmes who made them, I trust that the new markings were able to fool your accomplices.”

With no need for any further explanation, William fell silent.

In a game of Russian roulette where the number of rounds loaded increases over time, Sherlock had unexpectedly done something rash.

Alan had taken his sudden change in attitude to be mere desperation. But in reality, Sherlock had received William’s message, and while maintaining his composure, he proceeded to act as if he had no regard for his own life. By doing so, his violence in loading the gun, as well as his choice to fill the cylinder to its upper limit, were all interpreted as the products of a meltdown — and they were able to avoid any suspicion that they had seen through his trick.

However, this method of using Alan’s own trick against him was not foolproof. Although they had added new scratches to the cylinder, the original marks still remained. On close inspection, it might be possible to distinguish them.

With that in mind, Alan turned to face his accomplices behind him. But they said nothing, perhaps out of confusion. They had no confidence that they’d loaded the bullets in the right chambers. A sense of unease began to swell within Alan.

If Sherlock’s trap had succeeded, the positions of the bullets in Alan’s gun would now be off.

His revolver had six chambers. Counting from where the cylinder would stop, the first three chambers were supposed to be filled. Now with the markings “shifted” two positions forward, it would be that the first, and last two chambers were filled instead.

Since one round had already been fired, only the other two bullets remained. He was essentially in the same situation as William. In that case, as William had the first move, he would be able to fire on Alan one turn earlier.

In short, in this perverse version of Russian roulette, Alan had employed rigged revolvers, his accomplices had mistaken the positions of the scratch marks, and William had elected to go first. With these three conditions in place, William’s victory had been secured.

“What kind of joke is this……”

From the start, the game’s outcome had been set in stone.

That had originally been Alan’s plan. But William took advantage of it and turned the tables on him.

Despite being in a position of absolute superiority, victory had escaped him a second time. Alan’s blood was boiling.

“A—Again! I will surely win if we play again!”

William put his revolver down, and shook his head in pity.

“Unfortunately, there will be no rematch. Both of us no longer have the time to humour someone like you,” he replied curtly.

Alan lost his patience and slammed the table.

“Do you look down on everyone, you brat?!”

“All you do is envy others, and that is why you have lost yourself,” William said, with the air of an educator.

Before Alan could make sense of that, the sound of a revolver’s hammer being cocked emanated from the floor.

“——Don’t move.”

Then, the fallen detective staggered to his feet. Even though he had been shot in the abdomen, his face betrayed no trace of pain, instead wearing the grin of a child whose mischief had succeeded. In his hand, was a fully-loaded revolver.

“Holmes, why you bastard—”

“I don’t feel like explaining myself right now. Anyway, all of you raise your hands like grown men,” Sherlock ordered sharply, amidst their confusion.

Perhaps they were caught completely off guard, but Alan’s accomplices put up no struggle as they timidly raised both hands. The young man who had been held hostage edged quietly away from them.

William rose from his seat in a leisurely manner.

“From the start, our goal was to create this exact scenario. You have no intention of giving up no matter how many times your opponent wins. In that case, we should overturn the entire stage. To that end, this game, which allowed Mr Holmes to be eliminated by faking his death, presented the perfect opportunity.”

Just as William had planned, his act of near-suicide right from the outset had thrown them off balance, such that no one paid any notice to the fallen Sherlock. Then Sherlock came back to life with perfect timing, providing the key to their counterattack.

With their plan a roaring success, William and Sherlock were brimming with satisfaction.

“You two……”

Alan glared at them with hateful eyes.

“Oh, you’re not going admit defeat at this stage, aren’t you? That might actually be a good idea. Since all of you outnumber us, if you all take your guns out right now, you could certainly kill us. But Mr Holmes is sure to take a few of you down with him too. Is anyone prepared to be one of those ‘few’?”

“Now this is a genuinely fair and exciting challenge. Come on, who wants to join the game?”

Against the two of them, who were proudly putting their lives on the line, not a single person made a move.

In the end, the ‘equality’ that Alan and his accomplices had put forward, was nothing more than a hollow notion bragged about from within their circle of safety.

Having truly fought for his life and come out standing, to these men, William directed a gentle smile.

“Since it seems no one wishes to participate, ——this is game over.”

T/N: You may have noticed that the explanations of the trick are somewhat awkward (haha). It wasn’t explained 100% clearly in the Japanese text — I took a while to get it myself — so I decided to drop more hints within the text, rather than do so in a footnote. I hope it made sense for you!

[dangermousie]

2020 End of Year Post - cdrama edition

This is only going to cover cdramas that aired in 2020; if I had to make a post about all the cdramas I watched this year, I would still be doing it in three months...

Overall it’s been a fairly decent cdrama year (certainly better than the very lacklustre kdrama year.) It’s no miracle that 2019 was (so many excellent dramas!) but overall pretty solid.

DRAMAS WATCHED

(In order of liking from least to most as opposed to pure quality; I am including if I’ve seen enough to make up my mind; yes I realize that’s inaccurate, but that’s my list)

44 The Legend of Jing Yan - the worst cdrama I have seen this year, and possibly the worst drama of 2020, period. The hero and heroine were both uncharismatic, incapable of acting and saddled with such shrilly moronic characters, the only suspense was how they haven’t both perished long since from forgetting to breathe. Nor was anyone in the rest of the cast much better; the screenplay was written by a lower mammal and the cinematography was the best a third-rate wedding cinematographer could offer. Stay the HELL away from this one.

43 Unicorn Girl - the only unicorn about this bland yet irritating piece of pap was the fact that I was supposed to believe the leads are hockey players.

42 Autumn Cicada - I like spy stories, Allen Ren, and Republican Era settings. I can tune out Communist propaganda with the best of them. Yet, the propaganda ate the story to such a degree that there was nothing left; pre magic change Pinocchio was less wooden then this narrative.

41 You Complete Me - no you do not.

40 Skate into Love - the only positive thing I can say about this is that at least it’s better than Unicorn Girl, if for no other reason that only one of them is supposed to be a hockey player.

39 Irreplaceable Love - how do you make a story about fake siblings with a mad mother falling for each other boring? I don’t know, ask the makers of this.

38 Eternal Love Rain - I hate to rain on their parade, but these two actors cannot act, have about as much chemistry as a piece of bread, and are trapped in a story perfect for entertaining the mental abilities of the leads of Jin Yan.

37 For Married Doctoress - ummmm, you could do worse I guess. It only made me break out in mild hives. The sadistic ending did make me laugh though.

36 Dance of the Sky Empire - why you get Xu Kai and waste him in this insipid mess of a story is beyond me.

35 Love Designer - it’s inoffensive except to my sense of entertainment. There is nothing wrong with it but oh God is it bland.

34 Love a Lifetime - It felt like a lifetime watching this, but I didn’t love it. The story is incoherent, the actors have no chemistry and it’s all an epic waste of time.

33 Love is Sweet - so sweet it gave me diabetes. I like Luo Yunxi and Bai Lu, but there is literally no plot. I don’t need to sink into a plotless morass to watch pretty people engage in PG-rated make-outs. I am an adult with access to stronger stuff if I am thus inclined, though to be fair they could get x-rated and I still wouldn’t be able to sit through so many episodes of plotlessness for that.

32 Fake Princess - I love Zhao Yi Qin, but the guy needs to pick better projects. The female lead in this one has the voice and personality that can strip paint but the story is also doing nobody any favors.

31 The Changan Youth - I lost my brain checking this out. I had to go and read a dense treatise on medieval coinage or Mayan farming to try to recover it.

30 My Dear Destiny - kinda cheesy fun. It honestly shouldn’t be as low except it really feels like community theater.

29 Handsome Siblings - why is the Nic Tse version so good and this one so bad? True mystery for the ages. Chen Zhe Yuan is the sole reason this isn’t lower, because that kid tries SO HARD to make this drama bearable and almost succeeds. I can’t wait to see him in Sha Po Lang which actually will give him something to do.

28 In a Class of Her Own - see my comment on The Changan Youth. But at least Song Weilong is gorgeous to look at.

27 General’s Lady - inoffensive, pretty and so utterly pointless.

26 The Blooms at Ruyi Pavilion - those two leading actors are a no go to me but at least they considerately acted with each other instead of ruining two dramas for me. It’s very pretty though.

25 Jiu Liu Overlord - it’s a mess and I bailed, but I placed it this high merely due to the fact that Lai Yi finally gets a leading role and he’s sexy as fuck and I am shallow. Whoever styled Bai Lu should never work again except at a circus, however.

24 Cross Fire - not my genre and Luhan will always look too much like my cousin for comfort, but it’s a surprisingly gripping and dark drama. I liked it!

23 God of Lost Fantasy - if you want to watch a mediocre wuxia/xianxia, this is not a bad choice. Probably better than Legend of Fei actually, because at least it doesn’t have an A-list cast to waste and gives us Sheng Yilun himbo and shirtless.

22 Renascence - the insane cuts (it went from 70 eps to 36!!!) made a fairly cheesy story into a total mess. But I had a good time until I finally bailed mainly because of the male lead (Chen Zhe Yuan yet again carrying a not-good 2020 drama on his shoulders; the guy should be nicknamed Atlas) and the insane but in a fun way story. The female lead (both the character and the actress) were not up to par but oh well.

21 Legend of Fei - only this high because objectively there is nothing I disliked it. But there is nothing I liked either. The most uninspired drama on the list. If you could eat cardboard, this is what it would taste like.

20 Ever Night 2 - compared to EN1, it’s a waste of film. On its own merits, it’s not very good (the cast replacements are uniformly inferior and Dylan Wang is so wrong for Ning Que I cannot even put it into words; the script is useless.) But it had some parts I loved so very VERY much (all the shippy stuff was perfection) so I don’t feel too bitter.

19 Castle in the Sky 2 - a lovely if not too complex fairy tale. It is inferior to its prequel because it doesn’t have Zhang Ruo Yun who elevated it, but it’s still a solid bit of fun.

18 The Great Ruler - it’s very high fantasy, very pretty, and surprisingly involving.

17 (tie) Legend of Two Sisters in the Chaos - the secondary couple steals the show but the rest is not too bad if not too involving.

17 Legend of Awakening - a solid bit of fun with a seriously BDSM streak (theme this year apparently - but come on, the lead’s powers only activate when he’s in extreme pain!) It’s a bit generic and the costuming is done by a blind person, not to mention the OTP is a NOTP, but the rest of relationships (romantic and platonic) are wonderful (I live for the found siblings story in this one) and I like most of the characters.

16 Consummation - a rare modern cdrama I liked; a sweet coming of age story (and love story) even if wrapped in a pretty weird virtual reality concept.

15 Oops the King is in Love - this is how you do a low budget, sweet, silly piece of fluff. Our heroine pretends to be a eunuch and crosses paths with a powerless young king and they are adorable, even more so than the drama.

14 Song of Glory - pretty solid, though draggy and I didn’t love the toothpaste filter. But A+ cast, excellent leading couple chemistry, Li Qin being a BAMF and a leading man (Qin Hao) who is actually an adult.

13 And the Winner is love - objectively kind of a mess (and the heroine has the brainpower of a gnat), but the OTP chemistry is excellent and Luo Yunxi fighting and flirting with a fan as finally a leading man is worth the price of admission.

12 Miss S - snazzy and snappy and stylish and whatever else starts with S.

11 Eternal Love of Dream - I don’t know if it would work for you as well if you weren’t a hardcore shipper for this OTP in Three Lives but I was and this was such a darling, wonderful, shippy delight; plus I love this type of high fantasy.

10 (tie) Maiden Holmes - solid and sweet and a wonderful OTP. Proves that functional doesn’t have to mean boring. If you watch one cross-dressing drama this year make it this one.

10 Qin Dynasty Epic - srs bsns history epic. I am not far into it but it’s so good and smart and visually stunning (if you love battles, this one is for you.)

9 Love Lasts Two Minds - I adored this so much more than I should objectively have, but it’s so beautiful (and no I am not just referring to Alan Yu’s face) and the OTP has wonderful chemistry and the story is solid, and the whole trope of her memory being wiped but falling for him all over again while he’s constantly and utterly devoted is a fave; plus he’s in pain and semi-dyng for most of it so sluuuurp (happy ending, don’t worry)

8 To Love - yes, a modern drama is this high! But it involves intensity, tragedy, genuine adults and sexiness that is Lin Gengxin. And there is an actual plot and darkness OMG!

7 Legend of Xiao Chuo - so beautiful, so fun, so full of gorgeousness of Shawn Dou. Plus, Liao is a rare setting for a cdrama and there are a lot of characters and stories I liked a LOT. Less ship content than I wanted but more than I expected.

6 The Romance of Tiger and Rose - so so delightful. I was literally laughing out loud. I have no idea if it will work as well if one isn’t a seasoned watcher of period cdrama/reader of web novels, with bonus for watching/reading Goodbye My Princess, but it was a complete delight for me (and yes, I shipped for real, as well. Best of both worlds.)

5 Twisted Fate of Love - Jin Han gets a leading period drama role! And he’s enjoying it to the hilt, excellent as a smart, twisty bastard who is also charming and so madly in love with heroine. Sun Yi is beautiful and tough and her chemistry with JH is on fire, the story never drags, and it’s so twisty and fun and just awesome.

4 Love In Between - the most underrated drama on this list. It has no big names or big budget, but it’s wuxia that’s clever, driven, tragic, hopeful and so beautifully shot. Three separate (amazing) OTPs, a leading man who is so not typical (a doctor who cannot fight and who never acquires this ability) and who is intense and smart and damaged, a heroine who puts her quest ahead of her emotions, an unhealthy degree of involvement by yours truly. This is a drama Fei should have been.

3 Love and Redemption - such a lovely, addictive, utterly romantic fairy tale. I was obsessed with it for a reason. All the tropes you love and some you didn’t know you did, a star-crossed OTP to the nth power (and a secondary OTP I hardcore love), a twisty yet coherent plot, some insane chemistry and so much whump and hurt/comfort they must have bought blood packets in bulk.

2 Go Ahead - yes, I can’t believe it either. A contemporary slice of life cdrama made it this high on my list. But the way it feels so real, the found family perfection, the characters I love and loathe, the perfect cherry of a wonderful OTP that hits my narrative kinks on top, and just a perfect storm of loveliness all around with this one.

1 The Wolf - is that any surprise to anyone who’s checked out this tumblr for the last couple of months? Tragic, intense and gorgeous; so romantic and angsty and passionate it made me lose my mind (though some of it was gone the moment the camera panned to Darren Wang) - all my favorite tropes and then some; this is a drama that may not be perfect but it is 100% and then beyond perfect for ME.

FAVORITE DRAMA

The Wolf - I have seen objectively better cdramas; even this year. But it has been literal years since I have been this hardcore obsessed, this utterly pleased, this emotionally catered to and devastated at once. A beautiful dark fairy tale that manages to own me despite the storytelling gaps due to censorship, it took me for one of the biggest emotional roller coaster rides of my drama watching career. Visually gorgeous, poetic, intense, and so romantic it took my breath away, this is not just my favorite cdrama of 2020, it’s my favorite drama this year period, and the one cdrama this year to make it into my permanent Top 10 cdramas list.

WORST DRAMA

Legend of Jin Yan - see my write up for it for why as I refuse to waste more time on this stupid mess.

FAVORITE MALE CHARACTER

Wolfie, The Wolf - he is such a haunted, tormented, complex, dark mess; loving and violent, severely damaged and with a hidden yearning softness, longing and aloof. And the amount of charisma and sheer masculine sex appeal Darren Wang brings to the role is insane and not something I see much of in a cdrama. Plus, that character arc with its rapid fall and slow painful redemption is A++++

Runner Up:  Sifeng, Love and Redemption - has a male lead ever loved more utterly and selflessly, suffered more thoroughly and beautifully, and managed to have such chemistry with both his leading lady and his leading man (that his leading lady temporarily turned into) at once? The answer is no.

Almost made the cut - Feng Xi, Twisted Fate of Love, Han Shuo, The Romance of Tiger and Rose, Qing Ci, Love in Between.

FAVORITE FEMALE CHARACTER

Xiao Qian, The Romance of Tiger and Rose - so funny, so much the reason this drama was such a delight. I adore her beyond words.

NEEDS TO BE MURDERED

Murder Daddy, The Wolf - I am sad the censors robbed us of seeing him die on screen. He was fully human but nonetheless managed to be the worst monster in a drama full of literal ones.

Ling Xiao’s Mom, Go Ahead - I hate her so much I don’t want to look up her name. She abused the kid, the disappeared and came back to abuse him some more. I mean she literally gave her child mental health issues. She is the WORST.

FAVORITE SHIP

Xing’er x Wolfie, The Wolf - are you kidding me? Who else could it ever be for me? They destroyed each other and saved each other, sworn enemies and childhood lovers, soulmates and epic messes, they couldn’t live with or without each other. The longing, the passion, the intensity, the angst, the epicness. LIKE THERE ARE NO WORDS!!!!

FAVORITE SECONDARY OTP

Si Yuan, Shen Manqing, Love in Between - I loved them as much and often more than the main OTP. So much angst and passion and a happy ending! She is a seeming sect darling (except the sect is horrible and also sexist so her only worth is as a marriage candidate) and he’s an information broker who is actually one of the members of a destroyed sect that’s blamed for the massacre of her family. That chemistry and yearning is insane. The scene where she touches his face when he’s unconscious was in serious running for my favorite scene of 2020.

NOTP

Legend of Awakening - I have never seen a couple that didn’t just have no chemistry but exhibited actual revulsion towards each other before watching Chen Feiyu and Cheng Xiao try to act as lovers in this one. It was almost entertaining to be honest.

FAVORITE SCENE

It’s a tie and both are from The Wolf. One is a sequence where Wolfie marches to the walls alone, seeking death at Xing’er’s hands and the whole sequence with the battle and rescue follows. The other is the intercut between Xing’er going to her wedding and Wolfie going to his execution, and the auto-da-fe being intercut with her wedding.

BIGGEST CRUSH

Wolfie, The Wolf - Ummm have you seen this tumblr lately, it’s basically a drool shrine to the man.

BEST SCENE STEALER CHARACTER

Yelü Yansage, The Legend of Xiao Chuo - I have loved this actor since The Myth and he continued to competently steal every scene he was in.

NEEDS A SEQUEL

To Love - come out of the coma, dammit!!!!!!!

NEEDS A DIRECTOR’S CUT

The Wolf - duh. It started out as 59 eps and got cut to 49. I reaiize some stuff is never gonna get put in due to censorship, but some of the stuff that got cut got for time reasons because they were deluded and hoping to get a TV broadcast so ep count had to be under 50. I mean I doubt the censors would care if they kept scenes of Wolfie building her a swing or whatever. I really really want a director’s cut the way Goodbye My Princess did even if like with GMP it’s only three extra eps. Hell, I will take extra three minutes, as long as those three minutes are Darren Wang shirtless or with a sword. Ahem.

NEEDS SCISSORS TAKEN TO IT

The Song of Glory - it’s a fairly solid drama but honestly it didn’t need to be as long as it was and kind of got draggy and I got lost interest. (I could have gotten snarky and said all the dramas I didn’t like needed scissors taken to them in their entirety but decided to play nice.)

TOO MANY SCISSORS TAKEN TO IT

There are a number of dramas I could complain about with regard to this (hi there, darling The Wolf!) but this award goes to Renascence - poor Renascence was never going to be a masterpiece, but it had the potential to be a bit of good cheesy fun until it had its run time cut by more than half and became an incoherent piece of insanity.

TROPE THAT NEEDS TO DIE

Dumb shrill innocent heroine who can’t tie her shoes - see basically all the cdramas I didn’t like this year.

FAVORITE TROPE WE’VE SEEN A LOT OF

Male lead torture - I mean it’s always open season on that in cdramas, but between Love and Redemption, The Wolf, Love Lasts Two Minds, Love in Between and so on, it was a banner year!

BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT

Legend of Fei - what a waste of that cast; what a waste of our finite time on this Earth. What a waste of my intelligence to hope for something better and stick with it for a dozen eps. I have had stale wonderbread that had more personality than this drama.There is absolutely nothing that stands out about this drama in any way,  from half-dimensional characters, to actors who are sleepwalking, to a plot that moves at the speed of an arthritic snail, to uninspired cinematography and direction, to lack of any chemistry between anyone in the cast. If paint-by-numbers was done by a group of particularly linear robots, it might come across the same way as this drama.

BIGGEST GOOD SURPRISE

The Wolf - honestly, I did not expect it to come out AT ALL EVER let alone to become my favorite drama of 2020. I was not familiar with the leading man (hahah), I liked Li Qin but wasn’t yet obsessed with her, and Xiao Zhan was excellent in The Untamed but I was hardly going to follow him from drama to drama (and I don’t do SLS any way.) And the trailer was enjoyable but unlike seemingly everyone, I didn’t think it was going to be some epic masterpiece. And then it came out and while it wasn’t objectively an epic masterpiece, it pulled out all the favorite tropes, shippy and narrative kinks from the deepest darkest recesses of my id. And I fell harder than I have in years. 

2020 DRAMAS I HAVEN’T SEEN THAT I MOST WANT TO WATCH

None. Covid Year gave me PLENTY of time

BEST NON-2020 DRAMA I’VE WATCHED IN 2020

Novoland Eagle Flag and Joy of Life - they are in my Top 10 dramas from anywhere now. They are quite different except being smart and giving me protagonists to obsess over.

ETA: Also The Untamed because @idlewilds3 pointed out I actually watched it in 2020 even though I didn’t think so because this hellyear has lasted about three decades.

MOST ANTICIPATED IN 2021

I am gonna limit it to dozen and leaving out ones that aren’t necesarily supposed to air next year (Joy of Life 2, Love in Flames of War, Novoland Princess from Plateau.)

Monarch Industry, Novoland Pearl Eclipse, Silk Washing Stream, Dream of Changan, Sword Snow Stride, Wu Xing Shi Jia, Ancient Love Poetry, Immortality, The Long Ballad, Mirror Twin Cities, The Imperial Age, Fall In Love

[lucifers-horror-harem]

Alan Sharpe Bio (Slasher OC)

Name: Alan Sharpe Gender: Male Sexuality: Bi Age: 53 Height: 6'0" Eye color: Ice blue Hair color: Black with a few silver hairs Hairstyle: Medium short hair, very curly and messy without hair product. He doesn't use much product, just enough to tame his curls. Has a good amount of dark body hair, especially on his chest. Has a few patches of silver hair as well. Tattoos: Has a few simple tattoos, one on his right pec, a couple on his upper arms, and one or two on at least one of his forearms. Not sure on patterns specifically yet. Body type: A lean muscular build, but has a bit of a tummy. He keeps himself in shape but isn't the type of muscular that you could be able to tell just by looking at him. Essentially he looks very unassuming, especially while wearing his suits. Wardrobe: Typically wears a lot of suits and button-up shirts, mostly in darker colors. Wears a lot of rings, various watches, and sometimes the occasional bracelet. Has his ears pierced but rarely wears anything in them but if he does they are simple studs. Casual attire tends to consist of pants and a v-neck or unbuttoned shirt. He will wear more chained necklaces on his time off as well, they tend to look good with his open shirt. And it is never just a subtle v either, he likes having part of his chest on display. 

Backstory: Born an only child to his parents. Alan's father is the owner of a management consulting business, amassing a large and powerful company that has helped many other large businesses with whatever they are in need of. His mother is a socialite, sometimes dabbling in philanthropy through fundraising events with her other wealthy friends. To the public, his parents act like a normal married couple, but in private they barely associate with each other or even with Alan. For the most part, Alan was raised more by his nanny and the housekeepers and tutors than his own parents. Alan was always expected to behave and be the man his father was proud of, but he was born simply to continue his father’s lineage as his father cared more about his business than anything else. His parents actively cheated and Alan was aware of this as occasionally he would see different people in the house with his parents. They didn't seem to care that Alan was aware of any of this. They ultimately expected him to be an adult at a young age and when he wasn't they (mostly his father) berated him constantly. 

In his teens and twenties, he spent most of his time rebelling against his parents and making them disappointed in him. His thought was that if they insisted he was a fuck up then he would give them a reason to think he was a fuck up. He met a lot of terrible people, got caught up in selling drugs, getting money that was owed, essentially becoming someone that could be relied on to not rat out his partners and look out for his and their best interests. He was estranged from his parents though they both continued to support him financially as well as take care of any issues he had with the law so it wouldn't ruin their own name. 

Around this time, he had married because he thought he was in love. However, when he caught her fucking another man in their bed, he shot the man in the back of the head and strangled his wife with his bare hands. After getting help from his friends and his father of all people, disposing of the evidence, and convincing the right people to look the other way, Alan was off the hook and after that refused to allow something like that to happen again. Alan needed his father’s connection to the police in order to do this, and in exchange, he was told he had to work for his father and prepare to take over the business once he retires. Alan reluctantly agrees to this deal. 

The situation with his wife led him back to his family, cleaning up just enough to have his father pleased enough to pay for the education to steer him in the direction of taking over the company. That was until Alan found out his father was ultimately using him and found a better protégé while Alan was being trained. Slowly and methodically, Alan planned his revenge, culminating in drugging his father slowly over time until he was bedridden, with Alan being the only one taking care of him besides a live-in nurse. In a moment of clarity, his father admits to Alan that he had planned to leave him out of the will and of the business entirely, but Alan's kindness in his father’s time of need gave him a change of heart. Not for Alan though, for as soon as his father tells him the will is finalized, he tells his father just what he did to him, and in a final moment of glee, watches his father die as he overdoses him. 

As the new president after his father passes, he makes a point of being a better man than his father, proving to everyone that he isn't just a useless man like his father always insisted, earning the respect of his peers and colleagues. His mother is still around, though she is only a shareholder in the company and to Alan, she is barely his mother though he still treats her civilly. After his wife, he had given up on long-term relationships and opted for one-night stands, but by the time he is in his fifties he begins to feel that pull again, and hopes to satiate it by finding just the right woman for him. 

[letterboxd]

Savage Cinema.

From anarchists and adultery to milk baths and massacres, Matthew Turner shares five of the weirdest and wildest highlights of Hollywood’s pre-Code era, as #PreCodeApril comes to a close.

Pre-Code April was directly inspired by Noirvember, a month-long celebration of noir cinema instigated by Marya Gates (Oldfilmsflicker). I did Noirvember for the first time in November 2019, really enjoyed it, and thought it would be great to do the same thing for pre-Code movies. Although I’ve watched most of the classic 1930s films, I realised there were a huge number of pre-Code films I’d never seen (of my Letterboxd list of over 900 Pre-Code films, I have only seen 200).

As a sucker for a bit of wordplay, no matter how tenuous, I picked April partly because it’s six months away from Noirvember and partly because of the shared “pr” sound in April and Pre-Code. I’ve been absolutely delighted by the response—the #PreCodeApril hashtag on Twitter is a daily treasure trove of pre-Code-related joy, but I was genuinely thrilled to see the response on Letterboxd (here is my watchlist for the month). It’s been a real pleasure to see pre-Code movies constantly popping up in my ‘new from friends’ feed. My hope is that it’ll be even bigger next year—and that maybe TCM will want to get involved, the way they do with Noirvember.

Produced between 1929 and 1934, pre-Code cinema refers to films made in a brief period between the silent era, and Hollywood beginning to enforce the Motion Picture Production Code censorship guidelines (mandatory enforcement came in from July 1934). The “Code” in question was popularly known as the Hays Code, after then MPPDA president Will H. Hays. As the depression set in and box office declined, theater owners needed fare that would drive cinema-goers to the movies. It was a wild time to be a scriptwriter; they threw everything at the page, designers added even more, and actors played out the kinds of scenes, from the suggestive to the overt, that would otherwise be banned for decades to come.

The following five films demonstrate some of Hollywood’s craziest pre-Code excesses. They’re still jaw-dropping, even by today’s standards, and notably give female characters an agency that would be later denied as the Christian morals of the Code overruled writers’ kinks.

Madam Satan (1930) Directed by Cecil B. DeMille, written by Elsie Janis, Jeanie Macpherson and Gladys Unger

A critical and commercial flop in 1930, Cecil B. DeMille’s utterly insane musical comedy stars Kay Johnson as a straight-laced wife who plots to win back her unfaithful husband (Reginald Denny) by seducing him at a costume party, disguised as a mysterious devil woman. The location of this party? Oh, nothing too fancy, just on board a giant zeppelin. (“Madam Satan or: How the Film gets Fucking Crazy on the Blimp,” as Ryan reviewed it.)

Madam Satan is not by any stretch of the imagination a good movie (the editing alone is laughably bad), but as a piece of pre-Code craziness, it really has to be seen to be believed. Co-written by a trio of women and set in just three locations, it goes from racy bedroom farce to avant-garde musical to full-on disaster movie after a bolt of lightning hits the blimp.

The film is justly celebrated (in camp classic circles, at least) for the wildly over-the-top costumes paraded in the masquerade ball sequence, but there’s weird outfit joy everywhere you look. Keep an eye out for an enterprising extra who’s come dressed as a set of triplets.

Call Her Savage (1932) Directed by John Francis Dillon, written by Tiffany Thayer and Edwin J. Burke

Adapted from a salacious novel by Tiffany Thayer, Call Her Savage was former silent star Clara Bow’s second-to-last film before her retirement at the age of 28. She plays Texas gal Nasa Springer, who’s always had a “savage” temper she can’t explain. In the space of 88 minutes she goes from wild teenager to jilted newlywed to young mother to prostitute to wealthy society girl to alcoholic before finally (it’s implied) settling down with her Native-American friend after discovering that she’s half-Native-American, something the audience has known all along.

Bow’s performance is frankly astonishing, to the point where you simply can’t believe what you’re seeing from one moment to the next. Sample scenes see her savagely whipping both a snake and her Indian friend, smashing a guitar over a musician’s head and violently wrestling her Great Dane… and that’s all in the first five minutes. She’s also frequently in a state of near undress throughout—one funny scene has her maids chasing her with a dressing gown because they’re afraid she’ll run down the street in her négligée.

The rest of the film includes alcohol, adultery, strong violence, attempted rape, murder, syphilis (not named, but heavily implied) and baby death. It’s a veritable smorgasbord of outrageous content and Bow is pure dynamite throughout. The film is also noted for being one of the first on-screen portrayals of homosexuality, when Nasa visits a gay bar in the Village frequented by “wild poets and anarchists”.

Smarty (1934) Directed by Robert Florey, written by Carl Erickson and F. Hugh Herbert

This deeply problematic sex comedy features pre-Code stars Joan Blondell and Warren William (often nicknamed ‘The King of Pre-Code’) at their absolute filthiest. Blondell plays Vicki, a capricious, happily married wife who gets an obvious kick out of taunting her husband, Tony (William). When he cracks and slaps her at a party, she divorces him and marries her lawyer, Vernon (Edward Everett Horton), whom she also goads into slapping her in a deliberate ploy to win back Tony.

Essentially, Smarty hinges on Vicki liking rough sex and it’s completely blatant about it, ending with her sighing “Hit me again” (the film’s UK title!) as they sink into a clinch on a couch, a rapturous expression on her face. It’s a controversial film because on the surface it looks like it’s condoning domestic violence, but it’s very clearly about Vicki’s openly expressed sexual desires—she wants to be punished and dominated, she just has a rather dodgy way of getting what she wants.

It might be unsophisticated, but in some ways Smarty is remarkably ahead of its time and ripe for rediscovery. To that end, it would make a fascinating double bill with Stephen Shainberg’s Secretary (2002). Oh, and it’s also chock-full of lingerie scenes (like most pre-Code films), if you like that sort of thing.

Massacre (1934) Directed by Alan Crosland, written by Sheridan Gibney, Ralph Block and Robert Gessner

Several pre-Code films (notably those made by Warner Bros) took a no-punches-pulled approach to their depiction of social issues, and star Richard Barthelmess actively sought out such projects. Here he plays Joe Thunderhorse, a Native American who’s become famous on the rodeo circuit. When he returns to his tribe to bury his father, he ends up fighting for their rights, taking on corrupt government officials and religious authorities.

Massacre is fascinating because on the one hand it’s wildly insensitive—Barthelmess and co-star Ann Dvorak are both cast as Native Americans—but on the other, it burns with a righteous fury and does more than any other Hollywood film (before or since) to champion the rights and highlight the injustices dealt out to Native Americans. That fury is encapsulated in a horrifying and rightly upsetting rape scene (it happens off-screen, but the cuts leave you in no doubt) that the film handles with surprising sensitivity.

In addition to being a passionate fight against racism and social injustice, the film also has some genuinely shocking sexual content. Most notably, Joe is seen making love to a rich white woman (Claire Dodd, who’s also in Smarty) who has an obvious sexual fetish, flaunting him in front of her friends and making a shrine in her room with Native-American paraphernalia.

The Sign of the Cross (1932) Directed by Cecil B. DeMille, written by Waldemar Young and Sidney Buchman

Yes, this is Cecil B. DeMille again, but no list of weird and wild pre-Code films would be complete without the jaw-dropping ancient Rome epic, The Sign of the Cross. Adapted from an 1895 play by Wilson Barrett, it stars Frederic March as Marcus Superbus (stop sniggering at the back there), who’s torn between his loyalty to Emperor Nero (Charles Laughton) and his love for a Christian woman (Elissa Landi), while also fending off the advances of the Emperor’s wife, Poppaea (Claudette Colbert).

The film is racy enough in its sexual content alone: highlights include the famous scene of Claudette Colbert taking a nude milk bath and an erotic “lesbian” dance sequence, where Joyzelle Joyner’s “most wicked and talented woman in Rome” does ‘The Dance of the Naked Moon’ at Frederic March’s orgy, trying to tempt Landi’s virtuous Christian, to the obvious arousal of the gathered guests.

However, it’s the climactic gladiatorial-arena sequence that will leave your jaw on the floor. Lasting around twelve minutes, it includes: someone getting eaten by a tiger, a tied-up, naked women being approached by hungry crocodiles, pygmies getting chopped up by female barbarians, elephants stomping on heads, a gorilla approaching a naked woman tied to a stake, a man getting gored by a bull, and gladiators fighting to the death, complete with blood and gory injury detail.

The whole thing is genuinely horrifying, even for 2021. Best of all, DeMille pointedly critiques the audience (ourselves included), by showing a series of reaction shots ranging from intense enjoyment to abject seen-it-all-before boredom.

Matthew Turner (FilmFan1971) is a critic, author, podcaster and lifelong film fanatic. His favorite film is ‘Vertigo’. The films in this article are also listed here: Five of the Pre-Code Era’s Most Outrageous Films.

[willow-salix]

How about I throw out a new chapter?

That'll be nice for a Saturday, right?

Meh, have one anyway.

Here's a snippet:

Selene grabbed a slice of pizza from the box on the table and dropped down onto the couch next to Gordon, uncaring as to the fact that he was barely dressed. When you watched him dive in and out of the pool in his Olympic issue swimming speedos just because he felt like it, you were pretty much desistized to anything.

She took a bite and made a face, it wasn’t the best pizza she’d ever had, not that that would stop her, she started to chew. Tonight was definitely the time for comfort food and pizza, even when bad, is still pretty good.

“Why are you in my flat?” she asked around a mouthful. She chewed some more and swallowed quickly when she saw the look on his face. “Not that I mind you letting yourself in, you know you’re always welcome. But I thought you were with Penny for the whole weekend.”

Gordon shrugged casually, but his eyes flickered towards the discarded pile of clothes on the floor beside the couch. It looked like one of his new suits and really shouldn’t have been treated in such a way. The jacket was scrumpled in a ball and the pants left where they had fallen, the shirt lay tossed over the arm of the couch and the shoes had been kicked off haphazardly, one lying under the table while the other had flown clear across the room to land by the dresser.

“Didn’t feel like it once I got there, I left Penny to her networking and caught a cab back here as I wouldn't have been able to get into the manor.”

Selene scowled, that wasn't like him, he was one of the more social Tracys and, since he was still relatively young, he usually jumped at the chance to spend time off island if he could. A party or a dinner was usually greeted with great enthusiasm. She decided to ignore that for now, he'd tell her in his own time. Years ago she would have pushed him more, but now they all knew her well enough to know that she was there to listen whenever they needed her and would seek her out if they wanted to.

"How was the conference?" she asked instead, swiping his bottle of beer, one of John's he had obviously liberated from the fridge, and taking a sip. "You must have been so excited to be asked to speak."

Again he shrugged. "It was OK, I'm pretty sure they only asked me out of courtesy for Penny and because it looked good to have someone from International Rescue on the schedule. It was pretty boring really."

"Why did you say yes then? It's not like you don't have a good excuse to get out of anything you don't fancy."

"Penny said it would be good for me to start making a name for myself, she's right, I'm not getting any younger-"

Selene snorted at this, Gordon was only 26, he had his whole life ahead of him. Although, if anyone knew that your life could be changed or even snuffed out at any moment, it was Gordon, so she kept quiet.

"She said that I should start thinking about my long term plans. We can't be doing International Rescue full time forever and, while we do have enough money to never have to work, you know we'd all get bored. Everyone else seems to have a backup already, John does his remote lectures and writes his books, and you know that he's always being called on to consult or collaborate with someone for something or another. Virgil has that fancy engineering degree of his, he's always tinkering around with Brains and the things they invent together could keep them busy for years to come. Alan is all fresh and new, he's already making a name for himself online with his team ups with Brandon, and Scott could walk into a job with the air Force or the GDF without even pausing to ask, then there's me, no college education, no specialist subjects-"

"Bullshit," Selene cut in. "A college education isn't for everyone, just because you don't have a piece of paper doesn't mean you aren't smart or an expert in your field. Someone once told me that, because I didn't have that kind of higher education I wasn't as smart as them, that I wasn't capable of making decisions because I didn't have the same knowledge they did. But knowledge is subjective, babe."

Gordon snorted at that, he knew what it was like too, he knew how people would judge him as the dumb brother because he'd chosen a different path than the more academic one the others had taken.

"It's true," she insisted. "Look at John, as much as I adore that man, he's proof that all the book smarts in the world can't always compare to common sense or life experience. You can know all about astrophysics but if you don't know how to interact with people or how to survive in the world then you're fucked either way. You are amazing, you know science and biology and genetics or you wouldn't have made those beautiful fish or done so much for marine conservation and, no matter who you're dating, the Friends of the Ocean yearly conference would not have let you speak if you didn't know your shit."

"I know," he sighed, "but it doesn't always feel that way, you know?"

"Oh, believe me I know," she rolled her eyes and reached for another slice of pizza.

"I guess it's just hard to be surrounded by such high achieving brothers. I look at Penny and I think what is she doing with me? She would be much better suited to someone like Scott, or John, you know."

"I'm pretty sure that Cat and I would have something to say about that. Besides, look at me and John, it's not like anyone would put us two together. On paper we shouldn't work at all, we're far too different. Yet we do. You can't help who you fall in love with."

Gordon's eyes slid sideways to watch her, the tone in her voice telling him that she wasn't just talking about his brother at that moment. There was something there that spoke of past experiences that didn't hold good memories for her.

He frowned, a thought occurring to him, one that he just had to voice.

"Sel, why are you here? You don't have any clients booked, I know because you said that was why Scott had to drop me off, because you weren't heading back for at least a week."

Selene kept quiet, her eyes on her pizza slice. This wasn't like her, she usually needed to be prised off his brother and dragged away kicking and screaming. She liked to spend the majority of her time on the island with them even if John wasn't home.

"Did something happen?" Gordon's voice was quiet, comforting, not pushing her to speak but inviting her to confide in him if she wanted to.

"I just needed some space, some time alone," she finally admitted, still not looking at him as she fiddled with the crust of her pizza.

"Oh, do you need me to go? Sorry, I know I should have asked but I didn't know where else to go and I couldn't really face the questions back home." Trust him to burst in and make himself a nuisance when he wasn't welcome, it seemed to be the story of his life.

"No, you're fine," she assured him, patting his bare knee. "I get it. I don't need space from you, just your idiot brothers."

"Which ones, I have a lot," he grinned, relaxing a little now that they were back on more familiar territory.

"John and Scott."

His eyebrows rose at this. Scott he could understand, but she never needed time away from John, in fact she was always complaining that she didn't get enough.

"I walked out on my husband," she whispered, the slice of pizza hanging limply from her fingers. "He was upset and so was I but I left him, I walked out."

Gordon could not have been more shocked if she had suddenly grown a fishtail and whacked him in the crotch with it.

"Tell me what happened," he said, it wasn't a question, it was a silent demand, showing him to have the same authority that his father had, just in a more laid back package.

She didn't want to talk, she didn't want to drag it all up again now that she had finally calmed down from her breakdown at ten thousand feet. She didn't want to start thinking about it all again, but Gordon was there, all endearing face and big brown eyes that implored her to talk to him, to trust him. Maybe he wouldn't judge her too harshly, maybe he would understand. She risked a glance his way, seeing the firm set to his jaw, letting her know on no uncertain terms that he was not prepared to let this go.

"John punched my ex-fiance in the face and broke his nose," she answered, knowing she had no other choice.

OK, if he had thought her last statement was shocking this little revelation shot it into orbit.

"He…what? John? My brother John?"

"Yep, with the other dumbass tagging along for good measure apparently."

"OK, OK, give me a second to get my head around this, I need to process. My brother, the one that is usually so against violence of any kind, straight up punched your ex?"

Selene nodded.

"Come on, surely you aren't pissed off at him for that? He must have had a good reason for it!"

"Well, Nathaniel isn't a good guy at the best of times..."

"Nathaniel? I don't know about him."

Selene frowned, glancing his way again. Was he being honest with her right now, did he really not know? Surely if Penny knew then she would have told Gordon too?

“Penny didn’t tell you?” she asked, needing to clarify.

“One thing to remember about Penny is that she's very good at keeping secrets and knows how to keep things close to her chest. She only ever tells what she thinks you need to know,” he chuckled lightly but to Selene's ears it lacked his usual humour, sounding a little flat. “So, spill, I’m all ears. You know that a problem shared is, well maybe not a problem halved but at least you won’t be suffering on your own.”

Selene smiled softly, he really was the best boy. She'd admit that if she had to pick someone to open up to and talk to about her problems, Gordon probably wouldn’t be at the top of her list, but in times like these he reminded her of just how awesome he really was. It was easy to forget that he could be serious, it often got lost in the bad jokes and his general enthusiasm for life, but that didn't mean that he wasn't as dependable as the others.

"It's a long story."

"I've got time," he gestured down to his almost naked self and the half eaten pizza. "Not like I'm going anywhere."

Selene paused, did she really want to dredge it all up again? The answer was no, but, whatever Nathaniel did as retaliation, and there was no question that he would, was bound to spill over into all their lives. They would all find out sooner or later, hell, it seemed like half of them knew already, it would be better for it to come from her in her own words.

"We're gonna need more beer,” she sighed, tossing the half eaten pizza slice back in the box.

Read the rest here on Ao3 ➡

[whatgaviiformes]

From the whumpy prompts list:

🔫

With Alan :)

🔫 shot With Alan :) – @rachfielden-xo

Thank you! I’ve been needing something to get in Alan’s headspace; he’s always been the hardest for me. I hope you enjoy my attempt at Allie, and that he's not too off the mark.

*cracks knuckles, channels Destiny 2*

**

In Providence, the trick was to give your character a good build and add the right mods to the armor and weapons to complement their abilities. The game worked for many different play styles, and it was still a first person shooter, but skill was not based on aim alone. He, Gordon, and John actually were all part of a clan, a combination of people around the world who they’d never met beyond their screen names, and luckily the clan leaders were all understanding of sporadic play. Not all clans were.

Their mission – shoot aliens in the face and maybe sometimes the ass. And occasionally try to aim for their critical hit spots if you’re in the mood to actually try.

“I’ve been shot, G.”

“I’m aware of that, Alan,” Gordon says, pressing down on the wound bleeding profusely from Alan’s shoulder. “Where the hell is Virgil with that medical kit?”

John liked to play Providence as if he had launched instead a game of medieval combat, preferring bows and swords to the gun designs the game had to offer. It was frustrating that he was still so goddamn good at the game. Gordon main-ed a sharpshooter with scout and sniper rifles as his primary weapons, but honestly, as long as he had two minutes to get used to any load out, he’d still be in ace shape. Alan played up close and personal, shotguns and machine guns all the way; there was nothing quite like barreling down on a hex patrol with a round of submachine gun ammo and that satisfying burst of electric as the AI aliens exploded.

His precision accuracy was shit, but that was what Gordon and John played for, not Alan.

“Do you think I will have a scar? A scar would be so freaking cool. How’s it look? Was it a clean exit?”

“It looks like a gunshot wound, Alan, and yes, I think it at least went all the way through.”

“Ahh, good. So what kind of gun was it? Was it at least something cool?” Alan strains to look past Gordon where he knows he dropped the gun.

“Seriously, kid? That’s what you care about while you’re bleeding out on me?” The look Alan gives Gordon at the question is almost comical. Gordon sighs at Alan’s earnest baby blues, sparing a glance over his right shoulder. He knows already from the weight, the trigger, the barrel; he just needs the last visual validation. “It’s a hand cannon.”

“Fuck those. Those suck,” Alan grumbles. They’d actually had this discussion before, though the circumstances were much different in that Gordon was not trying to will his brother’s blood back into his body at the time. In case you were wondering, the blood seeps through his fingers, so he knows he’s doing a piss poor job of it.

“They don’t actually. You just shoot from too far away when you use them and so the kick makes you lose sight of the enemy.”

“Shotguns are better,” Alan argues.

“A shotgun would’ve killed you.”

“As if. The Hood should get some better henchmen; their aim was shit.” Last Alan checked shoulders were not critical hit spots.

“For our sakes, I surely hope that he doesn’t.”

“ – or at least give you an actual challenge. Man, G, Sometimes I wish you could see how awesome you are. The way you took them down –“

He lets Alan babble. Gordon, contrary to popular belief, doesn’t actually enjoy shooting people. He’s been trained to shoot people, he has shot people – killed even – add two more to the tally, but he’d had no choice with two henchman pointing their guns at his youngest brother. There was no thinking involved, no planning, just gut instinct.

Not just disarm. Eliminate the threat. React.

The first guy had had no warning when Gordon came in from his right and twisted his neck. He deftly grabbed the fallen gun and turned on the man’s colleague a few feet away. Unload. He was close enough that the blood splattered on his face as the bullet collided with flesh with an ugly squelch.

Gordon didn’t feel very cool; he felt grotesque. Everything had happened at lightning speed, and yet, he still hadn’t been fast enough.

“Please, Alan. I know you think this is all swell at the minute, but I really need you to stay still while we wait for Virgil.” There really isn’t time left to wait any longer; Virgil needs to get here now. He needs to know where he is. The risk is that Gordon has to remove the pressure temporarily to connect with his brothers on comms. Grimly, he tells Alan to take over with his good arm and it will have to do. Just for a moment. “Gordon to Virgil. Where are you?” When there’s no response, he tries again. “Gordon to Thunderbird 5. John, where is Virgil?”

“Sorry, Gordon. He ran into some problems. He’s on his way.”

“He ok?”

“Yes. Scott took care of it.” Gordon can extrapolate what that means.

“How’s Alan?”

“Oh, you know, planning out raid day,” Gordon says with a grimace. He knows John and EOS are monitoring his brother’s vitals and have the read outs, Virgil is their medic and so he has a good idea, but Gordon and Scott are the ones who know what a gunshot will do to a human body. “John, it’s not good.”

John pales suddenly. “Gord – get back to him.”

He’s barely turned his back. “Hey, Alan, pressure. Don’t forget.” But he knows that’s no good, Alan’s good arm hangs weakly to his side, the ground stained around a bloodied hand. Gordon drops to his knees once more and presses into the wound instead.

Alan eyes glaze as he looks up at him. “Gordon, it really hurts now.”

“Yeah, an adrenaline crash will do that to ya, bud.”

“I think–uh.” Alan groans through the words and can’t finish his thought. Where did those words go?

“So, you were telling me what you wanted to bring for raid day,” Gordon prods.

Alan coughs. “…want somethin’ with better DPS in powerful weapons spot…”

Gordon nods in understanding even through the lethargic words, knowing they are not going to make it to raid day.

**

DPS - Damage Per Second.

Providence - basically Destiny 2

hex - Vex, also from D2.

[popculturebuffet]

Ducktales: The Treasure of the Lost Lamp Movie Reviewcap! (Patreon Stretch Goal)

Hello all you happy people! And we have a special review today for two reasons. The first is that this is my second patreon stretch goal review, having hit the 15 dollar goal back in march thanks to my wonderful friend Emma, the same patreon whose responsible for the Green Eggs and Ham Reviews,  who helped me hit the 15 dollar goal.  As a result you fine people are getting three movie reviews each based on a Disney Afternoon Movie with Treasure of the Lost Lamp today, a goofy movie at the end of the motnh for  a weeklong tribute to my favorite dogmandadguy.  Extremley was going to be part of it but the length of this review convinced me otherwise, but I will be doing it this summer so keep an ear out. If you want to help me hit my next stretch goals do yourselve a favor and zip on over to my patreon YOU CAN FIND MY PATREON HERE. My next stretch goal at “OH Look 20 Dollars” would give everyone patreon and not, a monthly review of Darkwing Duck as decided by my patrons, reviews of BOTH season 2 mini series from Ducktales 87, introducing Fenton to the world and blighting it with Bubba before the 2017 series fixed him, and as a brucey bonus added last month a review of Danny Phantom the Ultimate Enemy. And if that wasn’t enough if you help me get to the goal after that at 25 unlocks another trilogy of disney film reviews, this time for the proud family and recess movie and the best kim possible movie, and dcom period, so the drama as well as Bryan Lee O’ Malley’s two stand alone graphic novels, lost at sea and seconds for you Scottaholics in the audience.

The other reason now the shilling’s done. is that the plan WAS to review this back to back with Treasure of The Found Lamp, to the point the orginal review had a whole thing about that, why it was delayed etc... but now that review’s been scrapped all together as something sudden and wonderful happened. After just kinda giving up someone came through with a translation of Della’s first apperance so presumibly i’ll be doing that as part of the build up to mother’s day, and since I still want ot do maternal instincts too, and already had to let the Floyd Gottfredson birthday special slide away as well... it had to go as I want to leave the only open space on the schedule for the lovely person who found the story for me. But this review is still done, i’m very proud of it so join me under the cut won’t you?

Behind The Scenes: Before I get into it i’d just like to note this article from SyFy Wire. It , along with articles I found via wikipedia citations, was an invaluable resource. 

The film was an experiment: It was an experiment to see if one of their tv properties could bring in theatrical money, to see if a movie made on a cheaper budget and still rake in decent money, to see if a film could be made being outsourced to several diffrent places, and to see what one of those places, their recently aquiried french stuido, could handle this kind of work. 

The film, if succesful would be the first of Disney’s MovieToons line, a series of films based on their shows. As you can tell by the fact only this movie and Goof Troop happened and the Movie Toons label wasn’t applied to that one it very much failed. While the film was warmly recevied by people who liked the show general audiences didn’t turn out for it. As a result the MovieToons label was scrapped, future projects with it were canceled.. but the stellar work put in by the french stuidio lead to it perserviering for several more decades and lead to them working on the Goofy Movie, which we’ll get to later this month but needless to say was a MUCH bigger hit with a much bigger budget. 

As for why the film failed... I have two theories. THe first is that parents were stupid back then and didn’t want to pay to see something on the big screen they could see on tv’s. This is a stupid mentality to me as generally a movie of a tv show puts in a ton of extra effort and usually goes bigger and dosen’t go home. It’s a likely theory given most liscened films of the era didn’t do quite well, with all three hasbro films tanking. And look I get Transformers the Movie is cheesy and killed a lot of people’s childhood toys, but damn if it ain’t aweosme.. and also something I need to cover at some point. Thankfully this died out by later in the 90′s with Rugrats getting a hugely succesful if flawed film, a better sequel and a third one that was also a crossover with the wild thornberries. 

And even now in 2020 we’re getting the Loud House and Rise of the TMNT movies sometimes this summer, we were SUPPOSED to have gotten the bobs burgers movie this summer but arne’t because Disney is being a dick about it.

And we got a phineas and ferb movie last year. With this trend hopefully thsi means we’ll get a Ducktales 2017 movie at some point since season 4 left a huge sequel hook laying right there to grab for a feature film.  One final note: The film was conceptually thought up as a 5 part serial like “Treasure of the Golden Suns”, “Catch as Cash Can”, “SuperDucktales” and “Time is Money, something that DOES show as the movie weirdly has act breaks. In a feature film. Yup. 

The Guest Cast:

I won’t go into the full cast since I’ve sung Alan Young and Russi Taylor’s praises PLENTY on this blog before, and I plan to go into Beakly and Launchpad’s actors when they show up in the pilot movie. But i’d be remiss if i didn’t talk about our three guest actors for our three new parts. 

First up is Merlock voiced by legend and if I had a hall of fame, hall of famer Christopher Lloyd.. I need to get me one of those. Lloyd is of course known for playing Doc Brown in back to the future but has done countless other films, voicework, and other good stuff. Among his MASSIVE filmography includes The Back to the Future Trilogy (Already mentioned it but it bears repeating), Star Trek III, Who Framed Roger Rabbit as the pants destroyingly terrifying Judge Doom, The Addams Family duology as fester, a role rip torn would ironcially play for the animated series made to captalize on said movie, Hey Arnold! The Movie, The Oogieloves in The Big Ballon Adventure (Look everybody needs money sometimes okay?), and Art of the Deal: The Movie, which was not, thankfully an ego filating nightmare made by trump himself but a film made by funny or die parodying his terrible book and having Llloyd return as Doc Brown. TV Wise he’s known for Taxi, Back to the Future the Animated Series, Cyberchase and he most recently popped up on Big City Greens. How I missed that ep I.. do know as I haven’t watched season 2. Gonna fix that later this month. Lloyd is utterly awesome, a great guy and thankfully still alive at the time of this writing, so I was happy to have him here. 

Less familiar to me but still known is Rip Taylor, a comedian known for his flamboyant unique way of speech and his marvelous mustache. He showed up in things occasionally and always seemed like the nicest guy and his passing in late 2019 truly is sad. He does a terrific job here but more on that in a moment. 

Finally we have Richard Libertini, a comedian I never really saw in anything besides this who according to IMDB was most famous for his ablility to do a foreign accent. I REALLY hope all of them aren’t as horribly racist as this one. We’ll.. get to that in a sec as it’s time for the plot!

A Treasure Uncovered:

We open our film gorgeously. The animation is great in the film, having some rough edges I chalk up to the film’s hectic production, the studio being new at working at disney properties, and the film not being meant for HD. That being said a few rough spots here and there aside.. the film looks ungodly gorgeous. Like most theatrical films based on a cartoon it takes an already great style and makes it look great. It feels like a more fluid evolution of the cartoons look and it’s a shame we didn’t get more movies in this style for both this show and others, ESPECIALLY Darkwing Duck. Can you imagine a Darkwing Duck movie with this lush animation? Hopefully we’ll get one eventually. 

So our heroes are going to somewhere in the Middle East. That’s.. that’s all wikipedia gives me and all the film gives me. As usual Scrooge is after treasure in this case the Treasure of Collie Baba, the greatest thief there ever was based obviously off Ali Baba from 1001 nights and that one Beastie Boys song. 

It’s here we find the WORST thing about the film, the thing that makes this a hard one to watch depsite otherwise being pretty good, and that makes my skin crawl knowing i’m a white man and a BUNCH of white guys, Ducktales series creator who did the voice casting for this character, the writers who wrote him, the direector disney them fucking selves who thought this was okay. 

The film has some horrible steroytping. It starts with a bunch of backgorund guys surronding Scrooge, with crooked teeth and steotypical voices. This on it’s own is odious. 

It somehow gets worse. Then we meet one of our antagonists. We meet Dijon. 

This Fucking Guy 

Djon is horribly offensive reminding me of other such luminaries in being ungodly offensive yet somehow getting put to film as Jar Jar Binks (With all respeect to his poor actor Ahmed Best, this is not his fault), Rob Schinder as a Sterotypically asian preist, Skids and Mudflap, Rob Schinder as a sterotypically mexican bandit, The Whitewashed cast of The Last Airbender, and Rob Schinder as a stereotypically asian preist. What i’m saying is Djon is an AWFUL, horribly offensive character.. and that Rob Schinder should be shot up into space, not to watch cheesy movies, he’s not funny enough for that, but instead to be sent to a satlitie that’s liveable, but also filled to the brim with spring loaded boxing gloves. Just tons of boxing gloves that feel like getting punched by a heavewight boxer all hidden... they could hit his legs, his face, his nuts, his face and his nuts, the point is he’s in constnat pain unless he moves carefully. 

And lest you think i’m exaggerating for starters this is his design. 

It just screams “vaugely but sterotpyically middle eastern” along with cowardly. The fact he’s also a literal rat is just the icing on the cake made of broken glass, shrapnel and broken DVD’s of Transformers; Revenge of the Fallen. They say if you eat a reveng eof the fallen dvd John Tutoro appears at the foot of your bed and watches you while you sleep.. and by they I mean me. It was a bad bet. I got rid of him with some insese and a bribe of five dollars. 

Oh but that’s just design.. when he talks it’s MUCH worse. His voice is like if they took Apu from the simpsons and said “This but MORE offensive”, and his perosnality is WORSE. He’s a thief.. and not in the endearing loveable rogue way but he’s a pick pocket and a running “Gag’ is that he’ll often grab eveyrthing within reahc. As the deisgn shows he’s a coward running at every opportunity. Oh and to top it all off he’s the willing servant of the white coded, given all ducks in this series are white coded and voiced bby white actors, big bad. And the actor is naturally VERY white to make this cocktail of offensivness so complete that if Disney ever got rid of this film I GUARANTEE the republcian party would be running in with accusations of cancel culture gone amok and never shutting up about this like they did the muppets. Which for the record THEY DIDN’T CANCEL THEM, YOUR POINT IS ILLEGITMATE, THEY JUST WANTED TO BE SENSTIVE YOU GHOULS. 

I do have a reason for bringing up Disney’s content warnings... most damming of all given just how DEEPLY uncomfortbale this character is.. there isn’t one for this movie. I double checked: There isn’t even wanring notes on the website. It’s just.. on there. And given just how ghastly a sterotype Djon is.. that’s not right. Seriously they DID put them on certain episodes of the show, theyk now this sort of thing is wrong and they done wrong.. but for NO reason they haven’t done so for a film released 31 years ago. Around the same time as the series and just offensive as that show at it’s worst if not more so. This is flatly inexcusable.. par for the course for Disney’s incompetence but still horribly furstrating, disgusting and shameful.. which has been the theme of the last three days really. I expect better because when it comes to putting that warning label on this stuff, they usually are better. First the scheduling mixup and now this. You already do a handful of things wrong Disney why add this to the list?!

It’s just draining not only to run into another Disney Fuckup after a weekend of dealing with one of their worst in recent memory, but just to watch Djon. To see this horrible caractrure saunter onto the screen and go on with his harmful schtick, to see that THIS is what Ducktales 87 reduced non white people to more often than not.  It’s remarkable just how throughly and awesomely Frank and Matt completely and totally reversed this. Instead of horrible sterotypes in the reboot, we got TONS of loveable people of color, an endearing latino hero, a smart african american buisness woman who takes no shit but is still a consumate professional, and an egyptian HERO with an intresting story and a strong moral code instead of this horrible reminder that racisim in media was such an afterthought not ONE person brought this up during the scyfy wire stuff or in any inteview i’ve seen. No one cared. Djon was POPULAR enough that he got three episode sin the series. THREE FUCKING EPISODES. This film could be GOOD.. but it’s just so bogged down EVERY FUCKING TIME this artists interpreitation of what Tucker Carlson sees when he looks at a middle eastern person I had to pause to compose myself and had to take a break writing this review to avoid tyiping this in all caps and using the phrase YOU RACIST MOTHERFUCKERS every other sentence. And again i’m white, I get this is second hand offensiveness.. I do... but it dosen’t mean I can’t be offended other white people were so callous about other cultures behaviors this happened.

And what makes me feel worse.. is that I just sorta... never thought about white people voicing non white characters. Things like this I noticed sure, I realize now part of the reason I didn’t like this movie the first time I saw it was this alex jones version of a looney tune, but I do feel shame for not noticing or caring long before this. Sure I loved it when a character of color got played by a person of color.. but I didn’t realize just how deep that problem was and how LONG it went on for before the outcry post george floyd and the call to action lead to most shows still going course correcting. It’s why stuff like this extra botehrs me: because THIS was just as okay at the time. No one blinked twice about this and odds are the creators involved still haven’t. And that.. that’s just terrible and it hurts to think about and  I still have most of the movie to go.  

The Pyramid of Peril:

So we do get a gorgeous unvewling scene of a box Scrooge found out about from Collie Baba’s horde that should lead them to the treasure. This scene reminds me of Indina Jones.. and I bring this up because the poster was specifically made to mimick an indinia jones poster, to the point of getting drew struzan to do it. THe creator of Ducktales objected..l but I do not get WHY. While I”m not sure if he had yet, Speilberg flat out admits the Carl Barks comics were an inspiration for Indina Jones, with the iconic bolder chase coming from a similar scene in one of Barks Stories. Gotta cover that too. So yeah I don’t get not wanting an indina jones style poster when both were inspiried by the same work and it’s just simple logic and it looks so neat. Thank you. 

Scrooge finds seemingly just clothes.. and a map. Jeff Dunham’s Most Racist Puppet reports to his master, Merlock. Merlock is a.. meh villian. Christopher Lloyd does try.. but Lock is your standard evil overlord wants to take over the world type. He dosen’t have much depth, or personality and only his style saves him from dragging the film down along with Dana Carvey’s most racist disguise in master of disguise. He does have a deent shape shifting gimick and being played by Christopher Lloyd means he’s acted TREMENDOUSLY. Alan Young was apparently in awe watching him work and that’s wonderful to hear. The guy did his best. Weirdly Merlock would show up in tons of other works, mostly video games.. but even weirder he NEVER showed up in ducktales 2017. Both Djon and Gene would, Djon thankfully renamed we’ll get to all of that tommorow thank god. I need it after this. But Frank has outright said they didn’t use Merlock because there simply wasn’t anything they could do with him they couldn’t dow ith magica. My likely guess is the might of found a way to revamp him EVENTUALLY, it’s not like radical revamps weren’t there thing come on, they just had way more stories with Magica and didnd’t get around to it before the show was canceled. Just make him some sort of evil god or something. it’s what I might do. There’s a lot of angles with him. Though I would’ve still gotten christopher lloyd back. I mean most of the recasting is good but he’s still alive and deserved a better shot at things. 

So Merlock sends Djonn to go with scrooge as his guide to find the treasure, as there’s something of imense power within it. And I gotta ask WHY does Merlock need a minon. No really. This isn’t a situation like reboot magica where he’s trapped in another realm. He can shapeshift into any animal. We only see him use falcon, rat, cockroach and bear but theoritically he can become anything and bear alone is still a LOT. Why does he need this sterotype even other sterytopes ar eashamed of? The film dosen’t NEED Djonn. Just let Christopher Lloyd monologue and leave this post 911 propogranda cartoon at home. 

So our heroes nad rejected jar jar prototype head into the desert, and seemingly find nothing before finding a small pyramid all while Merlock follows desecretley as a mighty hawk. 

Scrooge makes the boys and Djon dig... because they clearly forgot the “work hard” part of his ethos. 

Our heroes unveil the pyramid... and while Merlock SAYS he searched the desert and I get it’s hard to see thourgh all of that.. the dude is immortal, had decades to search and had Mickey Rooney there on standby to force him to go comb the desert. I have an artist rendering of that hang on

So our heroes enter the pyramid and it goes.. really how you’d expect: there’s a bunch of traps our brave explorers have to pass, the boys minintpret a juinor woodchuck saying about loosing your marbles to mean using the ones they actually have which geninely comes in handy as they trip the traps and Rob SChinder as a carrot stumbles into one. Also launchpad is wearing a hawaiin shirt and shades. This has no baring on the plot, but it does bring the movie up a notch in my book and I question why the reboot never used this outfit. Then again they also never properly used Donald’s Quack Pack Outfit (Which bad show or not, is objectively awesome), or his Quack Shot Indiana Jones Riff Outfit, so  it’s not like there isn’t a presdecnt for not giving a character a cool costume change from a previous medium. I really should do a top 12 missed opportunities list for the 2017 cartoon.. the ideas for stuff are really piling up. 

OUr heroes eventually find the treasure which has insidiously clever security the more I think about it: at first I thought it had none, just a pit with some... scorpions? I mean their supposed to be but they look like they crawled out of the same stygian hole in the sky Doofus crawled out of. And if your asking me “wait which Doofus” the answer is both. Both these abominations crawled out of a stygian hole in the sky.

But the treasure is on a platform surrounded by scoprions with the only way out being the trap filled way they came in. Unless someone comes in with a full team and a bunch of lootin sacks, they aren’t getting out with EVERYTHING. They can steal SOME of the treasure but there’s no way to get any signifigant portion... and the team thing itself is an issue, something Collie defintely predicted being a thief himself: while some thieves can work well as a team, hence why we have four oceans movies 3/4 damn good, and for the record 12 is the bad one, 8 is how you do a soft reboot and a female led reboot right, a good chunk of professional crooks will turn on each other or try and swinldle... and tha’ts dangerous in a trap filled temple but hey some criminals ain’t so smart.  If they all were Rudy Gulliani wouldn’t have two razzies for preparing to pull his pants down, and have waved his phone around on tv like a dare for future adminstrations to arrest the shit out of him would he? 

But Scrooge has his family so they get loading. But not before Webby finds the lamp. Not knowing about it Scrooge has no intrest in it, but Webby does. We also get a really simple but hilarious gag where SCrooge dickers over the idea for a second.. before Webby picks up a Jeweled tiara to possibly take instead. The best gags to me are often the ones that just let the character’s perosnalities take the lead and bounce off each other. It’s why when I reviewed the four lilo and stitch crossovers recently I harped on character interaction as their biggest weakness: it’s what MAKES a good work for me. It’s why my faviorite comics and shows often follow a loveable group of disfunctional misfits. I like a group of big personalities who despite in theory should NOT be able to work making it work anyway. And it’s honeslty what’s made Scrooge last so long: Scrooge on his OWN is awesome.. but iwth the boys, donald, and in the case of this series and the reivival Webby and Launchpad, with people to bounce off of who he contrasts heavily with, from Launchapd’s buffonery to Webby’s inehrent sweetness in both versions, to the boys genuine honesty and sense of adventure.... it makes him truly stand out. He’s a great character on his own, don’t get me wrong.. but it’s the people around him that give him chances to show WHY. A good character on it’s own is fine and dandy.. a good character with other good characters around them is where it gets truly special. 

Merlock naturally bursts in and in a VERY Black Heron move needlesly outs what micheal bay sees when he closes his eyes as a bad guy... no really he grabs the guy with his talons as he captures the treasure and reveals he’s a bad guy. I don’t even get why keep Djonn alive. He’s done all Merlock possibly could’ve needed and Merlock is ruthless... this makes no sense and only happens because they need Djonn for later in the plot.

Our heroes barely escape, rafting out on the platform itself in a thrilling sequence.. but it’s the one right after that catches my attention. Scrooge utterly defeated, having searched for this treasure for forty years and unresponsive to everyone else. The anmation, coupled with the incomprable Alan young’s acting makes this the highlight of the film for me. Beneath the armor of wealth and skill.. is only a poor old man who just lost something he’s been chasing after most of his life. Scrooge tries his hardest not to be vunerable and both shows and the original comics all use that so when he truly is devistated like this, and i’ts belivible since this treasure is a personal goal of his and as someone who has had things that they seek out specifically, loosing them always hurts. It hurts to ALMOST reach a goal only to have it crumble out under you

But while this alone is good.. what’s next makes it great. Webby sweetly offers up the lamp. Scrooge turns it down, and her genuine gesture reinvgorates him and reminds us of who he is “I’ll find it if it takes another 40 years”> Scrooge may be bitter, mean and selfish a lot of the time.. but deep down, he’s a good man and one who will not give up, and a momentary setback can only stop him so long as long as he has his family to remind him of who he truly is.. and what’s truly important. It’s genuinely sweet and to me is also a reminder of why 87 Webby is a good character: Shes’ not perfect, her main personality trait is often Girl Sterotype”.. but she’s a genuinely sweet small child with a huge heart. It’s telling that while 17′ Webby is almost completely diffren,t and far better, that heart remains her biggest strength. Sure her reboot self could kill a man nad no one would ever find the body, but it’s her heart and empathy that makes that possible and makes her Webby.  That inherent loving nature is what makes Webby webby wether she’s a toddler having a tea party or a tween getting ready to intergoate a guy with a meat tenderizer while saying ‘Cute girl stuff”. 

Gene Genie Let’s Himself Go:

It’s a few days later and this is the point where it REALLY becomes obvious this was written as a bunch of episodes. Though to the film’s credit while it does ake this feel like a compliation movie as a result... it dosen’t hamper the film’s quality, condiment from Rush Limbaghs’ hot dog stand does that just fine, but once you notice it it’s impossible to unotice it. Weirdly though it seems chunked up into four episodes rather than the usual five, likely cutting down an episode, though I can’t see where they cut out material frankly if they did and i’ts just as likely they woudl’ve had to make one to fill in the space.

So Scrooge is in a mood, being grumpy with his secretary Mrs. Featherly, quackfaster in all but name, and having to be sent home. So while Duckworth goes to fetch him Webby polishes her treasure at long last readying for a tea party, something the boys roundly reject because their sexist little twits and swo were the writers or executies who assumed all little boys act the same. It’s easily my biggest pet peeve with the series as a whole: anytime this crops up with the boys it turns them into the worst dicks imaginable. It’s telling this, being mean about her wantin ga tea party with her surrogate brothersi s TAME. Normally they’ll say she can’t do things because she’s a girl or mock her hobies outright instead of just be mildly dickish. And while she dosen’t look much younger Webby is VERY CLEARLY, in this series anyway, supposed to be say 5 or 6 to the boys 8-10. 7 at most. SHe’s a small child and while it is realistic for older kids to bully younger ones, it’s not fun to watch. It’s why I get annoyed at all the big sibling bully characters.. some work, but most aren’t fun to watch because there’s nothing funny or intresting about it. It’s the same deal here. 

Thankfully that quickly goes away as the lamp moves when Webby rubs it and does so again to prove it did move. Huey finishes it and we’re introduced to Gene, the best part of the film.  Gene is a Genie and he takes a second to dart around before messing with the appliances in the kitchen, as he was last around during the time 1001 Nights Came About. Cleverly though, and so we thankfully don’t have 80 dozen fishout of water jokes that have already been done before. As you can probably guess i’m not a huge fan of time travel fish out of water stuff. Now from another dimensoin or planet, i’m on board with with Star Vs, Steven Universe and Sym-Bionic Titan being great examples of this, as is the comic resident alien. (Despite having the wonderous Alan Tuduk the show sounds way more mean spirited and misses the entire point of the comic as given by the author in the credits, i.e. that the alien is supposed to NOT be a threat and just be gently waiting for a ride) The inverse is also good with Amphbia and owl house, taking a human and plopping them into our world. But time travel stuff just usually runs the same beats of “look at the shiny thing” and what not. The only time i’ve sene something SIMILAR work is with thor where their society is SIMILAR to vikings time but still it’s own thing.. it also gave us a classic gag in..

So yeah i’m glad they dropped this and instead had a clever way around it: Gene reads the encylopedia at the mansion. Granted it’s Scrooge so I don’t know how current it is and given this came out in 1990 thus HOW racist it is. It’s not a questoin of IF it was, but how much.

But having caught up the kids confront him with the fact he has to grant wishes. This lamp runs on what I now realize are Aladdin rules: Whoever currently holds the Lamp is the Genie’s master, they only get three wishes, and that dosen’t reset if it changes hands. The only big diffrence from the usual is Gene dosen’t have to TELL them about the wishes like Genie did, and Gene very begrudginly agrees to it. He also seem’s phsyically pained when doing so. 

So since all 12 know about him, each of the kids gets a wish though it seems unfair with HDL. Their one person, they shoudln’t get 9 wishes just because their brain is spread out over three bodies. 

This film continues the weird simliarties to Aladdin by attaching rules though they instead come up as a result of our heroes talking rather than the Genie just flat out tleling them: both share the “you can’t wish for more wishes” thing, a common rule in these stories and usually only broken nowadays as a clever twist as the rule is SO common place, not having it is a twist. But it is there for a reason: to limit the sheer power of a reality warping wish. The wishes can also only go so far. In a nice line, when Huey, Dewey or Louie suggests wishing for peace one earth, Gene says “No pipe dreams’ He can’t bend people or reality on THAT scale. He can bend reality as we find out, but it’s smaller scales like turning someone’s possesions over ot someone else, warping the bin into a castle, or bringing inanitamte objects to limited life. Still HUGE feats worth of a genie, so Gene’s power isn’t so nerfed it’s unusuable, but it does explain why his evil pervious ownder Merlock, more ont hat in a bit too, didn’t just wish to have eternal dominon over the earth or something. Gene can do just about anything but he can’t change the world on a fundemental level. 

And I do LIKE having rules in wished based stories like this, I chalk it up to growing up with Fairly Odd Parents... though they eventually went too far in the oppsoitie direction, pulling rules out of their ass to suit the episode, instead of simply having some very standard, very understandable rules that still pose challenges but don’t outright cheat so the episode can happen. 

So Webby does her first wish.. and wishes for a Baby Elephant, something Gene is against as he prefers they keep the wishes small: otherwise he gets found out, and the fight over him begins. So one of the boys wishes him away. Or Webby does. Point is it’s gone though not before Beakly sees it and Scrooge smells something is up. Our heroes try to hide gene, but gene thankfully simply dresses up like a modern kid and thus is able to pass as a friend of there staying for the night. 

So with the rules established and what not the kids find a clever solution: they simply go a ways away from the mansion into the woods, far enough from town to avoid any suspcion, and same iwth the mansion and just wish for all kinds of stuff: a giant bunch of ice cream toys, standard kid wish fufillment but it’s nice... in part because the kids treat Gene like one of them. Wihle they STARTED asking him about the wishes, this starts the bonding process. Soon he will be part of the hive mind.. SOON. 

Until then though after using another wish to make scrooge not mad at them for coming home late and missing dinner, that night we find out Gene’s backstory.... and it’s an utter tearjerker. As it turns out Merlock wants him back because he’s Gene’s former master and as you’d guess.. it was NOT a happy existnace, used contstnatly to do horrible things with no power to stop himself. Pompeii and Atlantis were both directly Merlock’s fault and it was only Collie Baba stealing the lamp that put an end to his hell. He also answers the two obvious questions botht he audeiince and the boys have: How the hell is Merlock still alive and shoudln’t he be out of wishes then? The first is simple. Unlike pretty much every DBZ Villian whose WANTED to do so, Merlock wished for immortality first chance he got, taking the Zamasu route instead and thus leaving him free. 

As for the wishes thing it turns out his amulet, in adition to shapeshifting, also gives him extra wishes becuase fuck it. 

But the boys sweetly offer to protect him. 

The next day, Apu’s Cousin let’s Merlock know the maps in the mansion and Merlock has him help sneak in with Merlock taking rat form. This backfires as Mrs. Beakley notices the form and chases after him with a broom

Meanwhile Webby has her tea party with Gene after he and the boys played cops and robbers earlier, and he’s bored.. though nicely not because it’s a girly thing, but because the stuffed animals aren’t alive and she naively has him fix that. This leads to 

Which sadly is jsut scrooge vs a duck toy but admit it, you want that movie for Disney Plus yesterday. Call Charles Band Disney. CALL CHARLES BAND! 

Whelp Scrooge Still Sucks:

Scrooge takes for a turn for the obnoxious in the next part, but i’ts fine by me as it’s part of the plot. Naturally this reinactment of Cult of Chucky has lead to Scrooge finding out about the Genie. To his credit, Scrooge is tactical about his wishes. As said by the Duck himself “I could wish for a diamond, no the world’s biggest dimaond, no ten world’s biggest diamond, no a diamond mind, no the MINING INDUSTRY!”

The sheer power this gives him is TERRIFYING, both because of his status.. and because unlike the kids who all wished for simple kid stuff and used up their wishes quickly, he both gets how much he can do with this and could conquer the world economy if he truly wanted to. 

The obnoxious part comes in as he treats Gene as not a person, figuring he’s just there and forces him into the lamp despite the kids protests after Gene grants his first wish: Collie Baba’s treasure. It also dosen’t feel like the wishing nor him using the lamp to get the tresure back goes against his hard work ethos: for the former while he is getting all this magically, he’s still having ot use his wits to get the most out of it, and he did earn the lamp itself square. For the latter, he already earned the treasure square too and had it stolen. He’s onlyg etting back what’s by all rights HIS. Granted he plans on giving most of it up for a tax break but still it’s his by right. 

However the reason his assholery works is twofold: first it’s Scrooge. While he’s not a TERRIBLE person, in the comcis and this cartoon he isn’t a GOOD person either. He DOES have a good heart and will usually do the right thing, but his first instnct is always to get more money and to be a cantakerous old bastard to eveyrone and everything. While he’s subtly grew out of “I hate eveyrone and everyone hates me” as his guiding principal, it’s still his defualt reaction to most situations. But he first relents by letting Gene attend the party, part of why the Collie Baba thing stung so bad was that he’s told the historical society he’d get the treasure for years only to come back empty handed, if shrunken. But he still manages to have a good time while Asok and Merlock infiltrate.. well I’mRunningOutofINsultingNIcknamesCanYouTell steals the silverware. Yes... that.. that really happens. 

Look we’re almost done, i’m almost free of this racist mummies curse. Let’s continue. Gene sees melock and freaks and drags SCrooge with him and while at First Scrooge is cranky...

No but now I want a Donkey Kong Country crossover too dammmit. And to talk about those games. Another thing for the list. But Scrooge is righ tot be a bit surly...

Okay now your just pushing it. As Gene whisked him away without telling him anything other than vauge worries... but then he gets a full idea of why Gene’s so terrified when Merlock shapeshifts into a bear and starts breaking the door down. Eh, could be worse. 

Gene shrinks them to escape and Merlock leaves thinking they fled but leaves Skids Minus Mudflap to go look for them. Scrooge sneaks out but bumps into a cart running from the photo you see when you look up stereotype on google. I mean I assume.. let’s try it. 

Huh you know I HOPED but I never expected... 

So Google Proving My Point plans to give his lamp to the master because of his weird Torgo-Esque obession with helping a man who clearly wants to murder him but takes his sweet time doing so because plot, and Gene figuring this COULDN’T POSSIBLY go as bad as Melock getting him urges the dummy to keep him and make his own wishes.

This goes about as well as you’d expect....

Wiped Out With A Wish:

Scrooge returns home to find Watto has wished to take his poessions, fortune, everything and Scrooge gets thrown in jail for breaking into his own house. We get two great moments back to back. The first is Scrooge lamenting loosing his fortune in jail, and realizing the sheer power and risk of the lamp, especially since he worked hard to earn it, every bit of it.. and Sam Wilson’s 70′s Backstory came in and took it all in an instant. 

The second is Scrooge’s family coming for him, including Launchpad , Beakly and Webby obviously and bailing him out. Though Beakly is UNGOLDLY annoying in this scene, sobbing hysterically and adding nothing and it’s not nearly as funny as the  film thinks. Turns out Goliath getting buried wrapped in chains threw them out. 

Scrooge takes a bit to rebound from all this.. but eventually realizes something: he knows the security of the bin inside and out. He had it put in after all. So it’d be easy enough to break in. So they gotta break in to break out the lamp, undo this nightmare, and END THIS MOVIE. Seriously this review has taken two days  as is I do NOT want to miss my invincible review. 

So they break into the bin, and it’s a tightly paced Scene, scrooge going in one way while the kids go the other and we even get a nice callback as the marbels come in handy to get past one of the traps. It’s just a good scene. it’s only real flaw is that Launchapd just sorta disappears as does Duckworth despite the fact their in a plane, and the bin later gets turned into a floating castle. Kinda a plot hole to not have Launchpad crash in to save htem just saying. 

Scrooge eventually does get to Djonn, whose been ignoring the imminent threat of Merlock while Gene sweats it out... and this backfires horribly as Merlock hitched a ride as a roach (Though there was a hilarious scene of him getting fried constnatly by lasers when Louie went through a laser hallway, as while Louie had the directions, it dind’t take into account passengers on your head. 

So Merlock remanifests in full gets the Lamp and unleashes his wrath on Tin Tin in the Congo and turns him into a wild pig. 

Not you sweetie. He then forces Gene to turn the castle into a fortress and float it back to his home in parts unknown. It’s a DAMN cool scene with impressive and horrifiing animation as the bin melts and crumbles into thte castle and the kids barely make it up the stares as they shift and disolve. Really top notch stuff.

Scrooge stands up to Merlock... and this naturally goes poorlyw ith Gene begging Merlock not to respond.. and Merlock having him blow scrooge off the top of the forgtess storm eagle style, though scrooge understands. And this is the true reason why scrooge being a dick didn’t bother me so much. Because it helps create a great contrast between him and Merlock. Both thought of Gene as a tool rather than a person.. but Scrooge grew to realize he was wrong and what he was dealing with wasn’t some magical goodies creator.. but a child forced to constantly grant wishes, in sheer agony to do so no less, likely so sick of it because again and again and again people used him as a slave to get what they wanted and to hell with what Gene wanted. He realized he was terrible for making this poor boy into his slave simply because that’s his job. In contrast Merlock could give no shits and is a malevolent monster who glefully uses Gene despite the pain the wishes put him through and his protests. It’s why Gene is the best part.. he’s  athroughly likeable, throughly inncoent character with tons of personality and a truly tragic and horrifying backstory and Rip Taylor acts the hell out of every scene with the guy. 

Thankfully the marbles come in handy one last time and Huey, Dewey or Louie snipes the lamp away and a struggle for it insues between Scrooge and Merloc mid air. it’s fucking awesome.. and it get sbetter in how scroogewins. He simply gets rid of Merlock’s amulet, taking it then throwing it. Grante dhe COULD’EVE used it for unimited wishes.. but it was too risky to do that and as we’ll see in the ending , Scrooge realized the Lamp was too powerful to keep around for much longer and too much of a tempting target for his rogues.. not that we see them this movie as the crew wanted it to bea ccesaible and thus kept hte cast to the main cast from season 1 and just made new vilians and a new supporting character, but still. 

He does use his second wish though to undue the damage Merlock had done and the bin and clan mcduck are returned to duckburg in good condition.

Time for our ending, which is genuinely and wholly touching. With the lamp too dangerous to use Scrooge considers just sending it to the earth’s core, which horrifies the kids as it’d mean Gene would be trapped there forever... if the molten lava iddn’t just outright destory the lamp and probably kill him. But Scrooge.. isn’t the bastard he likes to potray himself as. Instead he makes Gene into a real boy. He gives the poor kid HIS wish, which designrates the lamp and undoes all the spells... so Merlock is PROBABLY dead but he does return for some games so maybe not? 

And so we end on two things: Gene happily playing cops and robbers with the boys finally free.. and Birth of A Nation grabbing all the loot he can in his patns and running off. Ha ha ha thank god i’m done with this prick. And no I will not be looking at his ducktales episodes unless I have to. 

Final Thoughts:

This movie is OKAY. It has a solid plot, gene is a wonderful chacter, the animatoin is pretty prettay pretty good, and the voice acting as usual is excellent, with Rip Taylor being the standout. 

But as my paragraphs of rage shoud’ve made Clear Djonn is just BAD. Easily the worst character i’ve encountered in my year of reviewing and some of the worst writing i’ve ran into. And that writing includes a goblin man voyerstically forcing two teenagers to make out, making jokes about santa renaming himself Clem the sceneafter he tearfully confessed to letting the elves and ms. claus die, accidental transphobia via the u-men, and Bryan Lee O malley thinking we needed more than one volume of Julie Powers being around.  This was disgusting, even by 1990 standards and especially by 2021 standards and it drags the film down considerably. Without it the film is okay.. with it the film is just VERY hard to watch any time he pops up.  He made getting through the movie a nightmare and while I pause a lot becaue it’s a bad habbit I did so more simply because as I said earlier in the review I could not stand him. 

It makes it a hard film to recommend. If you can stomach the racisim, then it might be worth it, but be aware of what your putting up with going in. But if you can’t.. there’s no shame in that, it’s carbombya levels of bad. Which yes was a real fictoinal country. It was so bad Casey Casem quit transformers over it. True story. So yeah, it’s an okay film, on par with the series at it’s best for the most part.. but Djonn just spoils it for me. 

If you liked this review, like it, share it around that sort of thing and if you want MORE disney movie reviews, in addiiton to the goofy movie one later this month, if you help me hit my 25 dollar stretch goal on patroen.com/popculturebuffet, i’ll do reviews of the Recess, Proud Family and Kim Possible MOvies (Well so the drama anyway), so help me out would you and i’ll see you at the next rainbow.