#whatever goes on in here (brain) cannot possibly be normal

[violatordyke]

hmm. i don't think i am good at regulating emotions at all.

[fenrelmercar]

OC LAYERS TAG

tagged by @wickedviago & @litchigaming, thank you my loves!

also thank youu for the picture @wickedviago

LAYER ONE: THE OUTSIDE

Name: Fenrel Mercar

Eye Color: Rich green, but on the warmer side

Hair Style/Color: Red straight hair, in the beginning it's long and gets chopped after she burns it at Weisshaupt. Fun fact: it is not her natural hair colour.

Height: 5'5 / 165 cm

Clothing Style: Loose but structured shirts, bold and dark colours, stark contrast, mostly wears pants (never know when you might get into a fight) in combat and during quests, full armour or at least very well enforced leathers.

Best Physical Feature: I think she would be considerably proud of her physique, despite constantly complaining about how she should be training more.

LAYER TWO: THE INSIDE

Fears: Letting others down, losing who she is in order to win, being misremembered, intimacy/being truly seen, sometimes herself and the walls she built.

Guilty Pleasure: Those terrible romance novels everyone is reading at book club. She doesn't attend but skims straight to the naughty bits.

Biggest Pet Peeve: Arrogance, people thinking they are above others. Injustice.

Ambition for the Future: Rebuilding Minrathous and then retiring, never to be seen again.

LAYER THREE: THOUGHTS

First Thoughts Waking Up: Early story "here we go again", post Minrathous & Weisshaupt "What else is on the agenda today/ugh/Maker, can I get one normal day?" and mentally checking in with Solas.

What They Think About the Most: "How can we win? Can we win? Ugh Solas. Actually, I should check in with him. Wait, no. Okay, what else is there to do? So many missives. I should check in with my companions. How's Lucanis?"

What They Think About Before Bed: Nothing, she just crashes from the never ending tide of bullshit they go through daily (or Taash beat her ass in training again)

What They Think Their Best Quality Is: Protectiveness. She would give it all to protect ones she loves.

LAYER FOUR: WHAT’S BETTER?

Single or Group Dates: Single. Her time is stretched thin as it is, and also it's not as if she has an option to take him out with anyone.

To be Loved or Respected: Both. You cannot truly be loved without being respected, and respect without love or admiration is just fear.

Beauty or Brains: Brains. Girl goes through a roster of damage throughout the story, but as long as her mind is still there, she will be fine (well, her mind is somewhat there)

Dogs or Cats: Dogs, cats, nugs, griffons, wyverns, doesn't matter much, she's fond of animals. Has a pretty complicated relationship with dragons ever since the attack on Minrathous, but does not blame the species.

LAYER FIVE: DO YOU?

Lie: Yes. Or more so, withholds the full truth, in belief that she's protecting those she cares about.

Believe in Yourself: In a way, yes. But not in "I can do this", more like "No one else is willing, so I have to, whatever it takes". She does not believe she deserved loyalty or trust from her companions, for she's too focused on the fact that she was never supposed to lead. She carried this to her travels with Varric ever since her work with Shadow Dragons and their later fallout. When she leads, bad things happen. But it's not as if she has a choice.

Believe in Love: Yes. But also believes it can be a burden and hindrance. She's afraid that if she lets herself feel too deeply, she might falter at the wrong time.

Want Someone: Well. She looks at one man and sees the possibility of safety and future, and then there's... well, you know who. Would she ever admit that she wants him? She will, eventually.

LAYER SIX: HAVE YOU EVER?

Been on Stage: No. She avoids the spotlight like the plague.

Done Drugs: Everyone was young and dumb once.

Changed Who You Were to Fit In: Has she changed many outer masks to fit in? Yes. But nothing about her core changed, and thus she never truly felt like the right fit until she met the companions, and even then she felt like a fraud for quite a while.

LAYER SEVEN: WHAT’S THEIR…

Favourite colours: Deep deep red, purplish grey of incoming storm clouds, lush greenery.

Favourite animal: Cat.

Favourite book: Dane and The Werewolf (don't tell Varric, he might get offended it's not one of his)

Favourite game: Archon and Wicked grace

LAYER EIGHT: AGE

DOB: 9:24-9:25 Dragon

How Old Will You Be: No one knows for sure, since she was last seen around the age of 35.

Does Age Matter: In general? Not really. In a romantic relationship? Clearly, she goes for older.

LAYER NINE: FINISH THE SENTENCE

I love: music, the sound of waves crashing, a warm cup of coffee, the feel of new leather.

I feel: a little too much at all times.

I hide: how tired I am.

I miss: what could've been.

I wish: for my loved ones to be safe.

tagging: @amellderiva, @depmode, @curiouswisp, @rooks-dagger, @notyourmamasdeerbat

[eliashirsch]

God Tier Top Gun Fanfictions. A Masterlist. (2/3)

Part two of my fanfic recommendation! This one's for the best series!

Winner Categories:

1. Best of the Best Authors (1/3)

2. Best of the Best Series (2/3)

3. Best of the Best Fics (3/3)

REMINDER! READ THE AUTHORS' TAGS AND WARNINGS!!!

Best of the Best Series

Some of the best series where every work is a banger. Binge read these and have fun!

and i think it's gonna be a long, long time by boasamishipper @boasamishipper

The Captain Marvel AU of Top Gun, with Maverick Mitchell as Carol Danvers and Iceman Kazansky as Maria Rambeau.

These are so fun and interesting! I love how well Ice and Mav fit in the Marvel universe. My favorite is this one:

screaming in the sonar

“Kazansky’s missing,” Fury says. Everything in Maverick’s body goes cold. He feels like the very breath from his lungs has been sucked out, leaving him nothing but a gaping chasm of terror. “What?” “He was reported missing three days ago; I just found out today. There were signs of a struggle at his house, and…” Here Fury hesitates, and Maverick knows that whatever will follow cannot be good. “There was a ransom message left on his communicator, Maverick. It was written in Kreeglyphs.”

Mav going berserk because they hurt Ice. Chef’s kiss. I keep rereading these stories every few months and I’m always delighted to read it again. boasamishipper, your brain is truly magnificent!

look at the sky and you will always find me by dangerousinlove @gohoubi

Iceman/Maverick fics.

Seventy five, SEVENTY FIVE of some of the most creative and heart-wrenching Icemav fics. It’s short, but a lot of them have categories, like Retirement-Verse or Wolf!Iceman-Verse, so if you’re looking for bite-sized fics within the same universe, check these out. My favorite:

blood in the water

After his cancer, Iceman finds out that going back to normal is harder than he thought.

Heavy angst, like really heavy. Absolutely decimated my heart. But it’s a possible scenario and it makes me sadder when I think about Ice’s cancer and how surviving affected him. 

Gayboy Airlines & Goose, LLC by aelibia @topgunreacts

Bits and pieces of Maverick's life as an amateur and later pro dom. Also Ice is there.

Of course, aelibia deserves a second mention because they’re just that good. Aside from AortaArgent, aelibia’s one of the authors I trust to write about sex. Their writing makes blood rush south but also to the heart. My favorite:

Product Testing 

Somebody has to test out all these sex toys. Might as well be Ice and Maverick. [oneshot series with standalone chapters]

The portrayal of Icemav’s sex is fun and familiar, the kind of act born from years of vulnerability and complete trust in each other. It kind of showed me that sex can be fun, it doesn’t have to be so hot and serious all the time. You can get off but you can laugh while doing so. Overall, a very good portrayal of a different kind of sex that I don't often find.

[hello-nichya-here]

I have a question that might be offensive, and I'm sorry in advance for any hurt it may cause. I've been trying to search for an answer online for a while but I'm not able to find a proper one, and hoped you could help me.

From what I have gathered, autistic people do not wish for there to be a cure for autism, which I understand because well, it would change your brain and the way you view the world. Some even insist it cannot exist (which I'm not so sure about but whatever). My main question is, there are thousands of people out there who are affected by some kinds of ASD so severe that they can never lead a proper life, will never mentally develop beyond a child, and often have to live through agonizing pain and overstimulation. When it comes to these cases, would they not prefer a cure? So wouldn't it be more ethical for a cure to exist, but taking the cure not be compulsory? Those people are obviously not on social media, so their voices go unheard. But wouldn't they and their loved ones not want them to be in pain?

Thanks in advance.

First off, here's why a "cure" is indeed impossible: autism is a neurotype, not a disease. It's not the brain or any organ/system doing something it shouldn't or being damaged by some internal and/or external factor. An autistic brain functions DIFFERENTLY, not DEFECTIVELY, though obviously there is a variety of ways in which it manifests, and it is very rare for an autistic person to be ONLY autistic, there's often one, or more, conditions affecting them at the same time (anxiety, ADHD, schizophrenia, depression, OCD, etc). It is also likely a result of multiple cromossomes working in atypical ways (unlike with Down Syndrome, which is a result of cromossome 21 and ONLY 21 working differently) - and we still don't know which ones, or even how many said cromossomes are.

What does all of that mean for a cure? It means that:

1 - To make an autistic person non-autistic it'd need to be possible to discover it when they're still a fetus and somehow force their brain and entire nervous system to form differently - both things modern science can't do and that we're not sure will EVER be possible.

2 - It is very likely that even if a cure is possible, it will NOT be a one-size-fits-all kind of deal, and it will work on some cases and be useless in others.

So it is already a far, far, FAR more complicated deal than just "If we put enough money, time and effort into it, we can find a cure." Part of the reason why many autistic people are sick of nearly every fucking charity about autism being focused on a cure is because, instead of that money going directly to us or to our caretakers (be it family or any form of hospice/home) and having a very real positive effective, that money goes into searching for a something that might genuinely not be biologically possible.

This is sadly the common history for nearly every group under the large umbrella of Disabled People. Sign Language was discouraged and even made ILLEGAL in some countries long before there were was a reliable, safe way to allow deaf people to hear. There are THOUSANDS of horror stories about people with any form of paralysis or mobility issues being just let root and die in their beds, even after all kinds of mobility aids were invented because "it's a burden to the caretakers" and a "miserable life to live anyway." A disabled athlete in Canada has recently complained about lack of accessibility and was offered EUTHANASIA as a solution because God forbid someone has to build a ramp.

The sad reality is that many non-disabled people are only interested in helping us if the help is guaranteed to make us 100% "normal." If it will gives us a decent, and sometimes fully/mostly independent life, but not make us able-bodied/neurotypical it is NEVER considerd "good enough", and is often talked about as a "set-back for the cure." Giving us ways to communicate our needs, find emotional support, employment, or at the very least multiple sources of aid that will allow our families to not be on "caretaker mode" 24/7 and to not fear what might happen to us once they pass away is considered A SET BACK. Because we're not "cured", but are also not dead.

They're focused on trying to "solve the mystery that will totally lead us to the cure IN THE FUTURE", but never on hearing our VERY basic requests for stuff that would greately improve our lives NOW - Autism Speaks, the largest autism "charity" (hate-group that literally uses "therapy" created by nazis to "help" us) literally popularized the myths that we don't know ANYTHING about autism, how it happens or how to help people with it, and making the "official autism symbol" be a fucking puzzle piece.

The "finding a cure is more important than anything" narrative talks over the needs of EVERY autistic person in existence, including the ones that cannot express their opinion or understand their own condition enough to HAVE an opinon, and yes, including the ones that actively WANT to be "cured."

And speaking of people who do genuinely want to be "cured" of their autism: it is extremely naive of you to think there's any change a cure wouldn't be made mandatory if it existed, and that the choice would be left to the individual, or even to a parent/caretaker on the more "extreme" cases.

Like I said before, things like Sign Language were made ILLEGAL in many countries for the crime of helping disabled have a better life without curing them. We still have cases of doctors operating deaf babies/toddlers without the parents consent. Wheelchair users constantly complain that people just randomly decide to "help" them by pushing their chair towards where they assume the person wants to go, without saying a word to them, without letting them change direction and sometimes even being careless enough to fuck up the chair.

Disabled people CONSTANTLY get called stupid or selfish for not opting for long, expensive treatments that will often only TEMPORARELY make them abled-bodied because being "normal/not a burden" should be more important than anything, including the completely unnecessary and often brutal emotional turmoil of getting used to a "normal" life just go then have to get used to being disabled again. And yes, autistic peoplel, from the completely indepent ones to the ones that need constant care, who have said they would NEVER take a cure for it if one existed, ALREADY get condescending, and sometimes openly hateful, comments about it all day, every day, everywhere. For saying we don't want to take the IMAGINARY pill that can "fix" us.

Our lives are already considered lesser, our opinions are already disregarded, and our bodily autonomy is already denied constantly (see the more "harmless" things like people that think it's funny to force hugs and kisses on those of us who hate most physical contact, to doctors that have injured or KILLED us through unnecessary, often violent means of restraining us during meltdowns). If a cure existed, we'd be straight up forced, or at least constantly pressured, to take it. There's a reason WE are the only ones discussing how unethical it'd be to force us to be "cured", while most neurptypicals have not even heard of that objection, and half would get mad at us for being "ungrateful" - after all, they spent so much time, money and effort on this thing (that we've been rejecting from day one), we can't just refuse it like that!

I know you probably mean well, anon, but the sad reality is that nearly every talk of "curing" autism (and almost anything that is considered a disability) is often rooted on nothing but society's very open disgust and disdain towards our very existence, not a genuine desire to make sure we're safe and happy - and as you can imagine, we're mad that we constantly have to justify our right to be alive and actually listened to, not spoken over by people who are "trying to help" by telling us to shut up and be glad that they're trying to make us "normal."

[soupthatistohot]

BSD: An Absurdist Analysis - Chapter 2

Atsushi 's entrance exam, a test of will

[BSD 001] [Masterpost]

This chapter is about Atsushi’s entrance exam, which is basically the test of his will and whether he has the moral compass necessary to join the Armed Detective Agency. 

Also, personal sidenote: It’s really funny to read this chapter with the full knowledge that everything about it is completely staged. 

Anyway, we start with one of Dazai’s infamous suicide attempts.

Please excuse the watermarks on some of the pages/panels I provide. The online version of the manga that's easily accessible to me has these watermarks and I’m not going to remove them, nor do I know how to. 

I’d like to take a moment here to explain the difference between something being “silly” and “absurd,” because BSD toes the line of this a lot, and I think this is a good example. Silly is more lighthearted and just plain stupid, whereas absurd is something just plain illogical or insensible. Dazai getting himself stuck in the oil barrel while attempting suicide is silly in of itself, but this becomes absurd when he explains that he wishes to die painlessly.

This is because of the fact that while it’s technically possible to die painlessly and even commit suicide painlessly, it kind of goes against what we consider to be logical or normal. Death and pain live in the same family in our brains, so, therefore, Dazai wanting to die and consistently attempting to take his own life but not wanting to deal with the pain of it is kind of absurd. 

It’s the hypocritical nature of Dazai’s suicidality that lends to absurdity, especially because it’s sort of a “boy who cried wolf” situation (Dazai explains that his coworkers don’t come to save him anymore because of the number of times he has attempted, and even treat him callously when he tries to ask for help). While I’m not a huge fan of this trait of his and how others respond to it because of the lack of sensitivity it’s handled with (especially earlier in the story), I do think it plays into the overall theme. Asagiri’s intention likely wasn’t to make light of suicide or the fact that Dazai’s irl counterpart succeeded in taking his own life, but rather to emphasize the absurdity of such behavior within the framework of absurdist storytelling. That being said, this can also co-exist with the fact that a lot of manga Dazai’s suicide jokes are really insensitive, to say the least.

Anyway, Atsushi helps him (begrudgingly), and they head towards the agency, where Tanizaki is pretending to be a bomber, threatening to blow the place to bits unless he is brought the president of the agency. When Kunikida tries to approach him, he “recognizes” him as an agency member due to his “grudge” against the organization and threatens him. It’s then decided that Atsushi should go out to confront the bomber since he wouldn’t be recognized as an agency member. 

I’m going to pause here and take this opportunity to explain the difference between absurdism and nihilism. While it's true that both philosophies contend that life is inherently meaningless, the difference lies in what we do with this information. The nihilist believes that because life has no purpose, it cannot be found under any circumstances and therefore you can basically do whatever you want. Life is what you make it, essentially. The absurdist believes that in order to find meaning, one must both embrace life’s inherent absurdity and use it as a means to fight back against it. 

So with that context in mind, Atsushi basically tries to tell Tanizaki that there’s meaning in life, to which Tanizaki responds “It’s better if everyone dies!” Atsushi then goes on a self-deprecating ramble, but still ends it with “but I’m desperately trying to live!” 

Essentially, Tanizaki is playing the part of the nihilist here (it doesn’t matter if I and everyone here die), while Atsushi is presenting an absurdist argument (my life sucks, but I’m still trying, regardless). 

And then we get the most important part of the entrance exam: Atsushi throwing himself on top of the bomb. 

I know I talked about suicide being something that absurdists hate in my chapter 1 post, but I will note here that I think context matters! Dazai’s suicidality is different than Atsushi trying to sacrifice himself, because for Atsushi it’s a last-ditch effort to save everyone. 

Realistically, would his body be enough to dampen the explosion? Probably not, but what matters is that he did the “idiotic” (read: absurd) thing, and tried anyway. He didn’t give up hope that he could do something to protect everyone in that room, despite barely knowing any of them. 

Luckily for Atsushi, it’s all fake, and this was a test of his will, basically. Fukuzawa and Tanizaki are formally introduced and he gets offered a job at the Armed Detective Agency… which he basically can’t turn down because otherwise he’s completely penniless. So, Dazai has kind of trapped him there by wanting to hire him, which I think is kind of funny. 

And thus ends the second chapter! As I mentioned in the previous post, I might not be doing one chapter at a time like this as I go, but for some of these earlier, establishing chapters, it feels necessary. I’ll be considering it on a case-by-case basis, pretty much. 

Thanks for reading! Please feel free to reply or send asks, I love talking about this stuff :)

[Previous] [Next]

[chairteeth]

“Nemu Hiiragi: The Shadow”

The promised Magius Nemu essay arrives. I have given up on proper essay formatting and will simply leave my analyses in semi-rant form because my brain is too chaotic and goes on too many tangents. It cannot be tamed. Informal essay under the cut!

So. I’m sure I’m not the only one who has heard others refer to Nemu as a shadow, Touka 2.0, or some other frankly reductive term. Most of the time, unless her creations come up, she’s not discussed at all, and even then… barely. That’s not exactly surprising. Given Nemu’s normally calm demeanor, and the fact that she and Touka are joined at the hip, it’s only natural that Touka would be the one to get the most attention, the one who stands out. Where Touka is the boisterous sun, Nemu is the humble moon. Today, we turn our eyes to the moon.

There is so much to talk about when it comes to Magius Nemu and pretty much all of it is going to make you really sad. Much like Touka and all other magical girls, she led a double life the entire time, but in her case, when she “traded one terminal illness for another” she got the short end of the stick. Imagine being a writer and discovering that your magic allows you to give physical form to your stories, to breathe life into your creations—literally. Now picture finding out later down the line that each time you use it, it consumes so much magic that it shaves off pieces of your very life force. That’s one slap in the face. But, it gets worse.

Let me lay out everything we know about how Magius Nemu’s sacrifices affected her physically, and how each of the people around her responded to her worsening condition. First, we know it causes pain severe enough to temporarily affect her vision and speech, and severe enough to make her fall to the ground, though she doesn’t always faint from it. We know it inflicts exhaustion and that even something like releasing an uwasa for the first time can make her pass out on the spot, so presumably it’s a lengthy process that takes a toll on her at every stage (well not sure about conceptualization, but creation and release definitely do). A voiced example of one of these episodes is in Arc 1 Chapter 8, 4:02:36 - 4:03:43 if you're watching the video.

Now, as for the people around Nemu, starting from more distant to closest. Her family? Oblivious, responsible for her state of emotional deprivation and for several other issues. Alina? Ehh she seems to either not care or care very little, which is properly Alina-esque of her. Mifuyu? Oh let me talk about MIFUYU for a second. Disclaimer, despite her many sins committed against my favorite characters, I do love the sheep, she’s too much of a failure, I cannot hate her. But Mifuyu “I want to be a nurse” Azusa is insensitive beyond belief, and I was honestly surprised when they appointed her to be some sort of… ethics teacher for Touka? Bruh. You see, an MGS is supposed to put us in the shoes of whatever character it’s about. That’s what it does. However my brain is broken and perceives the world from a TouNemu perspective by default. Which means I had a completely different reading of Mifuyu’s MGS. I am going to illustrate my point with screenshots this time because I happen to have them on hand.

Mifuyu says this about Touka and Nemu getting worked up over Alina wanting to prioritize witches above rumors. But. Here’s the thing. The thing that Mifuyu seems to be missing completely. Rumors are created by Nemu, through a sacrifice of her own life force that worsens her pain and makes her suffer more with each subsequent use. Evidently, the girls reply that no, they don’t think they were getting too emotional.

YOU THINK? Have you given any thought to why that could possibly be the case, Mifuyu? But, okay, fine, we can look past this. Alright. Next scene, it’s Touka and Nemu being upset that Yachiyo just destroyed the Divorce Stairs (I call them that, but for clarification, it’s the Friendship-Ending Staircase). I’m going to bring something up that I don’t believe is exactly contradicted by canon, though not confirmed either, but I’d be willing to believe by the fact that Nemu knows of Iroha (by name and I assume appearance) that there’s a psychic link of some kind between the uwasa and their creator. That would make sense, considering they are made of her magic and have pieces of her life force. If this is true, then that massacre Iroha and Yachiyo go on during Arc 1 Chapter 7 is far, far worse.

But alright, back to the scene. Touka is standing up for Nemu here, and Mifuyu proceeds to go and dismiss their feelings because, as she says in her thoughts, “they’re just children”. Okay, Mifuyu, hear me out. They’re 11-12. They’re not toddlers. Just because they’re children doesn’t make their emotions invalid, unimportant, or not worth considering. Particularly in this case, where they have a good reason to be upset. Nemu even mentions the life force she’s using up and Mifuyu’s first and only thought is “Yacchan…” (this is a repeating pattern).

The next relevant scene is one where Mifuyu does something Alina has also done and Touka hasn't: ask Nemu to make a rumor for her.

Nemu reminds her that it comes at a cost, and that she’s using up her life for this. Nemu gives in, of course. I will talk about this imminently. First though, the final scene of Mifuyu’s MGS. Where Mifuyu repeats the previous pattern but worse. How exactly is it worse? I’ll let the screenshots speak for themselves here. Nemu and Mifuyu meet at the shrine where the uwasa is going to be released, Nemu does the deed, and faints, then Mifuyu reacts like this:

These screenshots are less than a second apart. It is the immediate follow-up. Absolutely zero concern for one of the people she’s supposed to be responsible for who just did her a pretty big favor (as if you needed someone’s blood to open a door, they stabbed themselves to get you the blood, and then you left them on the ground in pain). So yes Mifuyu is insensitive and she is not helping Nemu’s view of adults. Relatedly, before I move to talking about Touka, since I’d like to actually end this on a non-depressing note, I’m going to circle back a little to Nemu’s family.

I am infamous for not liking Nemu’s family. Her parents, mainly. Her brother, for as much of a snotty brat as he is to her, is presumably still very tiny and has had scarce interactions with his sister, therefore leading to the way Nemu describes their relationship (“strangers”). As a slight aside, Nemu does try very hard to have a relationship with her brother, not only in her MGS, but in her solo Christmas quotes where she’s lost on what to get as a gift for a kid that likes soccer and asks Homescreen-chan for advice. And you see, Nemu has this thing where once you get past a certain point with her, she becomes a people pleaser. Unlike when Ui’s parents have visited before (seen in TouNemu’s Christmas MGS), Nemu was shocked to hear that her mother and brother had come to see her. This leads me to believe the visits are an extremely rare occurrence and that there is no other contact besides them. Ui’s parents at least video call her, from what the quotes say.

And now we have reached the point where it’s unavoidable and I have to talk about Nemu’s emotional trauma. Her family does not seem to know about her writing, which was a good call because it shielded her from much of the gifted kid trauma. However, that doesn’t mean her parents’ actions (or lack thereof) were without consequence. A lot of these might be subconscious, so bear with me a second. At this point in the timeline, Nemu struggles to believe that others will meet her needs or care for her. She seeks affirmation, acceptance, approval, and fortunately seems to get it in the form of her website and Touka during this era.

Let me give you some examples of Nemu’s people-pleasing tendencies, as any kid would learn that catering to the needs and desires of others can sometimes lead to a sense of belonging or validation—she explicitly wants that, she is aware that she wants to feel loved. This is immensely obvious with her family’s visits, where her first reaction isn’t good but then she plays along and puts up a happier face (which drops literally as soon as her mother and brother are out of the room), even apologizing for the slightest inconvenience regardless of whether or not the reaction to that inconvenience was bad (the book that was hard to find, the general Presence™ of her family in the room, apologizes again for talking about her feelings, etc). So that she doesn’t have to burden them with her feelings. So that her mother can feel like she’s fulfilled her duty by walking into the room, giving Nemu a rundown of what the family has been up to, and leaving without really actually spending any real quality time with her or bothering to really ask about her. Touka gets (righteously) angry in Nemu’s stead once her mother and brother have left precisely because of this. Nemu proceeds to, like many children in her position, defend her parents completely and then chastise herself for “looking down on them”. Touka and Ui both understand at least the heart of the issues at play here, and express as much. My point here isn’t exactly “Nemu’s parents are equivalent to Sana’s” or anything, it’s more that they’re extremely oblivious and their actions (and lack thereof) have hurt Nemu deeply.

That habit Nemu’s parents have of never truly showing interest in their daughter’s life seems to remain after the hospital, and then they’re focused on her brother’s comfort. Not Nemu’s. Never Nemu’s. Then, later on, in the Wings of the Magius, every time someone asks her to make a rumor (read: sacrifice a piece of her life force and make herself feel physically worse presumably forever), she agrees. Mifuyu asks her to, yeah sure. Alina wants a rumor? Of course. I won’t count when everyone asked her for stuff to add to Fendt Hope solely because I’m not sure Fendt Hope works like normal rumors do. Something, something, difficulty setting and maintaining healthy boundaries, struggling to distinguish her own needs from the needs of others…

A child who learned that her voice and desires were not prioritized in such critical stages of her life naturally struggles to articulate her own needs and wants. Prime example, Fendt Hope’s creation. She listens to the others give their ideas for it, never suggesting anything herself after reminding them of her usefulness. Until. Touka asks. When she does, Nemu seems almost taken aback. She apologizes. Nothing comes to mind. That very same day, she gets home, tries again to have some sort of positive interaction or time with her brother, gets rejected. As soon as an alternative form of service (doing the dishes for her exhausted mother so that she may help her brother with homework) presents itself, she practically jumps at the opportunity. The scene after that one, with the way she views Touka, Alina, and Mifuyu, vs the way she views her mother and brother, only makes this more obvious. How is Nemu supposed to feel any sense of value at home? At least as a magical girl, she’s useful. At least as a Magius, she has people who know her. The feelings of low self-worth aren’t as obvious on Nemu as they are on many of the other girls who have them, though.

The next time there’s a Magius meeting, this time to decide on a name for their base, Touka is again the one who asks Nemu for her opinion. It’s important to note that Touka is never once hostile, aggressive, or even annoyed when she does this. She considers Nemu’s thoughts and feelings more than anyone. Heck, Nemu would have no way to doubt Touka’s care for her considering their history and the way she acts.

Now I get to talk about the relationship between Magius Nemu and Magius Touka. If I start gushing incoherently, I apologize in advance. I covered a bit of Magius Touka’s attitude towards Nemu in the essay dedicated to her, and slightly in this one, but now I want to draw attention to how incredibly sweet Touka can be when it comes to Nemu. Nemu desperately needs that reliability and that love Touka provides, the hope she brings. And Touka is the one person who openly shows her care, attention. Over and over again.

Touka considers Nemu an equal. During the main story, as I said in my Magius Touka essay, she shows concern for Nemu’s health and wellbeing when no one else does. This goes beyond her magic-given affliction! I only wish we had more bits and pieces from that era, but as for what we do have… Well, I have to point at Nemu’s swimsuit costume story for the easiest and shortest point of reference. I’d use screenshots, but if I did, I would just end up showing you every single piece of dialogue and expression.

In that costume story, Touka and Nemu are at Fendt Hope, talking about their future trip to the beach (which they made plans for together in Touka’s swimsuit costume story). Nemu has her insecurities, and she’s shy about putting on the swimsuit, but then Touka proceeds to be incredibly supportive by first making her feel comfortable—for some reason she also had her own swimsuit lying around and offered to wear it too because Nemu mentioned it’d be embarrassing if she was the only one wearing a swimsuit and Touka was wearing clothes—then as soon as Nemu expresses self-doubt, she doubles down via genuine compliments (these two compliment each other way more than you think, even in main story Touka praises Nemu for her ideas). This is also a rare occasion where we’re shown that Nemu’s parents, or her mom at least, who seems more present than her dad, mean no harm, since it was Nemu’s mother who helped pick out every element of her swimsuit. After that, Touka goes off to change back into her school uniform, and Nemu is “uncharacteristically giddy” (as she states) looking at herself in the mirror. Touka gets back, and Nemu is startled to have been caught in a vulnerable state, but, critically, Touka is happy to see her happy and doesn’t tease her, although Nemu (jokingly, blushing) laments that letting Touka read her heart is the greatest failure of her life. Nemu asks Touka to listen. And Touka complies. Nemu trusts Touka with her heart, with her honest feelings, and knows Touka will never hurt her. That’s why she’s able to be so sincere with her. This is shown in Nemu’s Tap 8 quote, where she also refers to Touka as trustworthy (Touka has a matching Tap 8 quote, and hers is about how reliable Nemu is for her). This relationship, no matter what it is, is deeply important to both participants.

Finally, to end this glorified rant… I know I used the sun and moon metaphor earlier, but. I would like to borrow the words of Nemu in one of my fics: “It’s silent at night. Touka stays up with her telescope, I stay up reading nearby. We are stardust brought to life. A quiet place, just for us. The gentlest fire in us, like binary stars.” (I’m sorry but the binary stars comparison is too good not to mention). Their connection was there before the Magius, and after everything they went through, their lives became irreversibly bound, intertwined beyond the understanding of quite literally anyone else. They practically always speak in plural, the time they spend together has been on the rise, and at the time of writing? To avoid spoiling Arc 2 Chapter 12, I won’t go into specifics, but the relationship has reached a beautiful point that I will froth at the mouth about eventually.

Anyway, hope you enjoyed the Nemu essay, I went slightly more feral this time so apologies for that. I’ll see how soon the hospital era essay can be thrown into the wild. Nishi out!

[angry-teacher-says-fuck]

A foul-mouthed teacher's take on Gen Alpha

Can we stop saying that gen alpha is DOOMED?! They just fucking got here!

fucksake, they just hit sixth grade. We are registering the warning signs right now; the lack of respect or empathy, the inability to read , the need for instant gratification OR ELSE, and don't get me started on this Sephora bullshit. Yeah, it's looking pretty bad.

The fact is though, we are their skibidi gyatdamn parents! This is our wakeup call to do better. So here's a list of a few things that might improve the situation.

If you've got a younger child, please do not get them on an i-pad until they are at least 4. Even as an educational tool, they are no replacement for the hands-on and interpersonal learning that their developing brain needs. Talk to them, give them blocks and balls and plenty of things that they can safely place in their mouths. These things help them build a deeper understanding of the world that later social skills and academic stuff can anchor to. At pre-school a little supervised and directed exposure to educational programs can be a good supplement, but do not leave them to use screens feely. As they get into middle school, you should still be aware. There are a lot of dangers on there that tweens don't have the experience yet to recognize and it's a lot wierder than you think.

2. On that note, If you must put them in front of the TV (no shame, it has to happen from time to time in this late-stage capitalist hellscape) for the love of fuck, please pay attention to what they are watching! I cannot begin to tell you, as a teacher, what a difference this can make. Don't trust that everything on Nick jr or Disney is your friend no matter how colorful or silly it looks. Watch a couple episodes either on your own or with them to determine if it has substance or if its values are ones you are ready to expose your children to (I was shocked when I sat down to watch the original Thomas the Tank Engine).

I'll do another post on shows I recommend sometime but as a teacher, PLEASE let most of their TV time be PBS Kids. I shit you not, I can tell the difference between the kids that primarily watched Paw Patrol and the kids that watched Dinosaur Train.

For younger kids, violence is a no, for sure; their brains are still developing and no matter how smart they are, a toddler is not prepared to process whatever nuance you as an adult may have the context for. You don't want to normalize it.

The same goes for adult humor. I have had to send too many kids to the office because of a racial slur or sexist comment that they pulled straight from Southpark or Family Guy. That shit should not be happening!

3. From obscure, seemingly cutesie philosophies that turn out to be cults, to the fucking manosphere and any number of hate-groups that have perfected the art of planting-the-seed with kids, you need to keep them off social media, including Tik-tok and Youtube. There are parenting aps that can block these and limit screen time, but even they cannot be used as a "set it and forget it" solution.

4. Failing all of this, the most important thing you can do for your kids may be to actually converse with them. Sit and watch some shows with them, listen to their interests, let them talk your ear off about their favorite game. Normalize them sharing with you and do this as early as possible. The benefits are numerouse

A. It opens up the lines of communication. You can identify trouble a lot faster and support their goals a lot easier when you have this going for you.

B. It establishes early that you are a safe person to share things with. This is invaluable as they get older, and for keeping them safe at any age.

C. It gives them a chance to utilize RECALL PRACTICE. this is an often overlooked brain booster, but recalling information so they can share it with you, actively helps gear their developing brain for future learning by making it easier for them to call on and access information at will.

D. It builds confidence When you take time to listen to them, you are showing them that their input is valuable; that the things that interest them are worth sharing. There may be times when it is not appropriate, and you can guide them on that, but giving them the respect of listening when you can will help them recognize their worth when future "friends", colleagues, and partners consistently dismiss them or shame them for it.

E. It builds socio/emotional intelligence and models respectful dialogue.

5. Read to them and with them. Even if you aren't a reader, listen to audio-books. Give them a chance to practice their reading skills and comprehension. Normalize the idea that reading is enjoyable.

5. Finally, understand this: you are not being an authoritarian when you set rules and enforce them. They are going to test boundaries, not because they are bad, not because they crave a lack of restriction, but because they need to know that they are there in order to feel secure. There are as many new fads for parenting as there are diets, but whatever parenting style you choose, be firm and consistent with your core rules and principles. your kids, and the people who have to interact with them, will be better off for it.

And cut yourself a bit of slack too. Parenting is tricky, and there are new challenges we are having to learn quickly as we go. It doesn't help that our generation caught so much shit, but we cannot simultaneously be parents AND continue to be victims. Seek out support, and give it whenever you can. We have to recognize our worth and our importance to this generation and take a stand now for their well being.

You are their parent and you play a very needed, active role in their lives.

[caspersickfanfics]

I continue to force my sick Cyno agenda on innocent talented people and I cannot be stopped. This isn’t a fic request or anything I just want to share this brain worm

Cyno returning to Tighnari from work seemingly fine, a few scratches etc, but he’s VERY tired, so they do their song and dance of treatment and grounding and go to have dinner. And Cyno seems normal, until dinner is served and for whatever reason the normally iron stomach Cyno CANNOT handle whatever nari served. And it’s bad like he goes from fine to scrambling to the bathroom and Tighnari is just *surprised pikachu*

now here’s the thing- something nari served reminded Cyno of something he witnessed or had to deal with on his last mission. Maybe Cyno didn’t think whatever he saw or did, or ate, (who knows!! It’s a mystery ) affected him that much until it reappeared in this new context? Or maybe his body just has a knee jerk reaction to a perceived threat? Frankly I have no idea what it would be that caused this but the possibilities are fun. And! I like the idea of Cyno being equally shocked by his sudden nausea and it just totally ruining his night as his stomach just won’t stop churching

he would make tighnari SWEAR to never mention this to anyone ever, the General Mahamatra doesn’t get squeamish (and really he usually doesn’t) but Tighnari rolls his eyes and assures him that exhaustion plus *insert whatever the hell happened* would make anyone feel off something something comfort the end

Oh this is so freaking perfect for them!!!!! Absolutely brilliant.

I can think of a few things that could lead to this. One would be having a normal meal and then witnessing or experiencing something traumatic afterwards. Another would be a more direct tie -- eating something that was poisoned. And the middle option would be, Cyno got captured (and tortured or made to witness Horrors, etc.) and was forced to eat the same thing every day :(( Whatever it was, Cyno wasn't physically injured too bad, and he's had time to recover from that, so he figures "all's well that ends well" and doesn't linger on it much at all (avoidance is a symptom of trauma). Maybe there was someone else who went through it with him and they're not feeling great about it, so Cyno makes sure to get them situated and in a place to heal mentally, and then as he's leaving they're like "are you sure you're okay?" and he's like "yeah of course, I'm the General Mahamatra, so I'm always okay" and from that point on it's just no longer something that crosses his mind.

Tighnari can immediately see how tired he is, but is relieved to find no injuries. Cyno doesn't talk much, but that's typical, even more so when he's tired, and he just seems happy to see Nari.

I like the idea of Cyno sitting down to eat and he feels a bit nauseous from the smell of the food, but figures it's just the exhaustion. It's probably not an unfamiliar feeling for him after such a tiring job. He's not even slightly worried about it until the food is actually in his mouth and by that point his stomach is lurching. He's uncharacteristically clumsy as he scrambles out of the room.

It just crossed my mind that his job might mandate a certain level of confidentiality at times. So now I'm also playing with this idea of Tighnari, like, super worried because that was weird, and Cyno doesn't have a fever, but even after he empties his stomach, he's washed out, sweaty, on-edge. But Cyno's just sitting there in the corner of the bathroom, trembling like a leaf, mumbling apologizes for not being able to eat the food and saying stuff like "I can't– I just can't eat that" and shuddering when he thinks too hard about it. Tighnari's smart so pretty quickly he's like "did something happen at work?" And Cyno shrugs but obviously it's a yes. Nari's kind of frustrated, not at Cyno, but at the fact that he can't share his burdens. Cyno squeezes his eyes shut, but that doesn't do anything to stop the memories, and maybe he starts dry heaving. Tighnari just rubs his back quietly and tries not to imagine what Cyno must have experienced to have his body rebel so intensely. They spend the rest of the night trying to figure out how to make Cyno feel safe - maybe they trade huts with Collei or borrow an empty one for the night because the smell is triggering. Cyno can't stomach any food at this point, but tea helps. His body is so tired that he drifts off, but he keeps waking up from nightmares. Each time, he snuggles closer to Nari, who pretends to stay sleeping because he knows Cyno would feel baad for waking him. The third or fourth time Cyno wakes up, though, he's sick again, and Tighnari figures enough is enough. They spend the early morning hours playing cards. Tighnari is hardly paying attention to the game at all, instead choosing to focus on the conversation, sifting through their shared memories and deliberately bringing up the happiest, most comforting ones he can find, so that when Cyno falls asleep at the table, it's actually peaceful this time. Tighnari doesn't move him because he's sure it will wake him. He just keeps watch over him, playing with his hair, and feels devastatingly sad for whatever it was Cyno had to endure.

...I rambled as usual. I love this idea so much. I know you said it's not a request but I'm ngl I am kinda tempted to write this sdkjsfdjs (also!! I wholly support your sick Cyno agenda, please continue! XD)

[bone-yarrow-art]

Favorite fnc au, go

I was told not to overthink this, and then proceeded to overthink it completely-

I went on a fucking heroes journey trying to answer this ask, and though I know in my heart that anon just wanted a tiny glimpse into my brain, my ass was thinking far too much for a cohesive thought.

So here’s a couple that have been on the mind, fnc-centric

- Wild West AU

Yes, I’m also working on a Wild West AU for Ethersea, no you can never have too many cowboy aus. I’ve not done anything about this, I’m just thinking very hard about it, bc outlaws are literally land pirates. Anyways imagine you’re a bounty hunter Chip, going to bust some outlaws smuggling some stuff, and find a captive fish-man who seems way too feral for his own good. Imagine you end up recruiting this fish-man to help you hunt but immediately find out that whatever this guy is involved in, it goes WAY deeper than just getting unlucky and getting taken captive by some lowlife thugs. Shenanigans.

- Spaceship AU

(If you’ve ever listened to Swan Song by The Mechanisms, you get it) Chip finds this battered, strangely-shaped ship while stranded on a planet, and ends up stealing it, later discovering that the ship is powered by the mind of a long-dead champion named Gillion. Time for some space adventures! No tragedy here ahah :3 how much can it possibly hurt to fall in love with someone that you know you’ll never truly get to touch?

- Old Tattoo (the coffee shop au that lost its way)

This one’s literally just a self-indulgent (fully projecting) modern au where the albatrio are all adults trying to live a normal fucking life, while the universe is trying super hard to put them back together. (Soulmates frrrr) They eventually become roomates, and are also pulled into various schemes cooked up by Old Man Earl, as normalcy slowly begins to lose its meaning. They’re all trans, they’re all mentally ill, and they’re all vaguely aware of the fact that they knew each other in a past life. This one’s fnc-centric I think, unless PolyPirates demands it becomes known, and in that case I cannot stop it. I don’t control my writing my writing controls me.

Stone Age AU

This one requires knowledge of the Just Rolled What If: Stone Age session for it to truly make sense, but if you don’t have access to it, just imagine; what if there was timeline shenanigans a la spiderverse? Essentially, the crew of the Stone Age timeline fucked up in their world, and jeopardized multiple other universes. Chip and Jay from this world are completely immoral, and Gillion is trying his best to fix what they have done, while swearing an oath to kill his Chip and Jay. Stone!Chip and regular timeline Chip swap places, and while Stone!Chip learns of what could have been had things been different, the family he missed out on, regular Chip meets a broken and battered Gillion, devoid of that spark he’d grown familiar to. This au is mostly angst. I wanna talk more about it but I’d want that to be it’s own post (or fic)

[srarizard]

Back on my Rayman bullshit.

I literally have nowhere to talk about Rayman but the Tumblr tag seems to be popping so here goes. I am probably the only person on planet Earth who cannot stop thinking about Reflux. I will always be critical of Rayman 3 for its very surface level characters and unfunny "humor", but it still has a lot of environmental storytelling if you look for it. For example, there is plenty of evidence to suggest that the Knaaren are bipedal toads.

Artistic liberties were taken, of course, but it's almost a perfect match. It also explains the dot on his forehead, as most toads have warts all over. The warts only become more prominent during the final boss battle, too.

Not to mention, the tunnel system they live in is directly outside of a ravine full of poisoned water. This implies that there might have been a time when they were semi-aquatic. They also have flat teeth, with no canines. I like to think it's because they are herbivores forced to feast on whatever they can find, because they have no plants within miles to feed on. It would explain why they prefer the brain, as it's squishy and easy to chew, as well as the zombie eggs that are the only notable, reliable food source seen in the desert.

Now, what about the way that they evolved? Most of this is speculation, but I can at least tie it together. Knaaren are invincible canonically. Reflux contradicts this in two ways; he has defeated other Knaaren to claim the title of champion, and he dies at the end of Rayman 3. It can only be concluded that he isn't a "normal" Knaaren, and the best way to explain this is to acknowledge the fact that the champion receives the power of the Leptys. Not only is Reflux the only Knaaren to use magic, his boss battle is, quite frankly, insane. I just replayed it yesterday, and it came extremely close. It's possible he used his power to exhaust the other Knaaren to the point where they can no longer fight in order to claim the title of champion using those powers.

In theory, it can also be said that the power of the Leptys creates a weakness. God powers must take a lot of energy to channel no matter what sort of creature you are. So, in theory, Reflux was burning the candle at both ends, pridefully striking down challengers and assuming that he would never be defeated with how much power he has come to earn. He becomes a monster in his thirst for revenge at the end of the game, which ultimately kills him. What this implies about the Leptys is vague, but it certainly has something to do with the deity.

Now, this is my favorite part. Reflux is actually the only character Rayman has ever done wrong. I'd say he's the only one Rayman ever killed, but uh, depends on your view of canon, so I'll be focusing on what is undeniable. Rayman blasts into the desert without warning, and granted it's to save his friend, but he ruins Reflux's life in doing so. He had no choice but to become the champion and shame his opponent. Reflux made his entire identity on being champion, and eagerly accepts when André promises the ability to claim revenge. Rayman was just supposed to be a fun exercise for him, and now Reflux finds himself outcast due to an outsider who doesn't even want to be champion. It's the fault of his pride, but it is still a way that Rayman has made someone's life worse.

It's also interesting to think of them as cultural opposites. Rayman comes from a lovely dream world, and Reflux comes from a hellish nightmare that he had to claw his way to the top. Rayman was born a hero, and Reflux had to earn it. Ubisoft really shot themselves in the foot by not expanding on that, I think. They could have really made something out of the contrast of dreams and nightmares.

Anyway, thank you for coming to my TED talk. If you read this far, please stan Reflux.

[academyofbrokenhearts]

Of Reality and Late Night Confessions (III)

Suna and Kaya talk, and finally reach a mutual understanding.

Author note: Probably the most OOC chapter in the entire saga, but whatever, friends. I didn't put "confessions" in the damn title for nothing. Enjoy!

AO3 link here.

When Kaya doesn't immediately react to her words, her mind is jumping to the worst possible outcome. She has somehow misinterpreted things, her words bothered him, his attraction to her is merely physical (maybe that's what he meant by not marrying her for revenge purposes?), and she is already thinking on how to apologise, how to take it all back.

Yet he is still holding her, his body completely lacking any tension, so she opens her eyes, and sees it.

He's smiling.

"I was hoping I would hear this from you someday," he says. "I just didn't expect it to happen so soon."

"So then... I did not get it wrong?" she asks, her heart beating wildly in her chest. "You like me?"

"Oh man," Kaya says, hiding his face in her shoulder. "I really thought it would be obvious by now. Are you trying to tell me that this entire time, you worried about my feelings on top of yours?"

When Suna does not answer (because really, it's unsettling how he can read her so well), he raises his head and looks at her again, in utter surprise:

"Oh, you did. I cannot believe it."

"It's really unfair," she mumbles, looking away, embarrassment burning her cheeks. "How come my brain is like an open book to you, and most of the time I can't get you at all?"

"Well," he says, and his voice is gentle. "Comes with practice. Besides, it's not like I am not prone to errors."

Not with her, not normally, Suna thinks. Most of the time, he can understand her instinctively, and she never feels the need to explain her thoughts to him in detail. But she knows she is not going to be able to feel secure just assuming and deducting things, the way he does. That's not how she works. She tends to worry and overthink to the point of anxiety, and what good would that be?

"Kaya," she speaks, turning her head towards him. "If I ask you some questions, will you answer them? I really need to have a proper talk with you. Actually, that was my intention, before..."

"Before you got overwhelmed by my good looks, and had your way with me," he says, a glint of mischief in his eyes.

"Shut up, I'm serious."

"I know, Suna, I was just messing around. Sure, of course we can talk. But first, do you mind if I take another shower? You can join me too if you want."

"Sure thing," she answers, like it's something they did thousand of times before, and she doesn't even blush when saying it.

That finally shuts him up.

*

He does not touch her in any way in the shower, except when he helps her wash her back. She thanks him with a quick peck on the cheek, and he groans.

"Don't get too close," he says, turning off the water, and hopping out of the shower. "I'm a bit tired, but I'm not too tired for that, and before you know it, there goes the talk we're supposed to have."

She rolls her eyes, but follows suit, mumbling a quick thanks when he finishes wiping off and hands her the towel. By the time she also dries off and puts on her panties, he is already half dressed, and she pauses for a moment, trying to remember where she left her actual clothes.

"Here," he then says with a smirk, handing her his t-shirt. "Since you like it so much, keep wearing it."

"Have you always been this annoying, or is this a recent development?" she asks, but without actual malice, as she's getting dressed.

"I'm sorry, were you saying something? I was looking at your legs and got distracted. Was it important?"

"Okay, definitely a recent development," she comments, opening the door and stepping into the room. "You're prettier when you shut up, by the way."

"Oh, so we're fully back in our flirting era," he replies, laughing, and she smiles at him in turn, before climbing into bed. He follows suit, putting his head in her lap when she gestures towards him to come closer, and they sit in comfortable silence for a while, her playing with his hair, him caressing her bare legs.

"Just promise me you will be answering me openly and honestly," she says, eventually. "I know you said it's not easy for you to talk, to open up, but there is something I need to know, for my own peace of mind."

"Ask away."

"Since when did you like me?"

There is a small pause, then he responds, and she can't really see his expression, but she can guess it from the softness in his voice:

"Like? I liked you in Marmaris. Hell, I think I actually liked you from the moment you opened that door and stood in front of me for the first time, and judged my tattoos, my clothes, and my entire existence in general. But now that I got to know you better, I think I can safely say that this is more than just me liking you. You heard me loud and clear earlier, I wasn't saying what I said just because I was caught up in the moment or anything."

"Wait a second," Suna says. "Does that mean you liked me when you proposed to me the second time? You said nothing of the sort back then."

"Yeah, because you would have hit me with a chair."

"I wouldn't have done such a thing," she protests, but when he sits upright, raising an eyebrow at her, she sighs in defeat. "Okay, maybe I wouldn't have hit you with a chair, as you put it, but I would have probably told you to get out and never speak to me again."

"Which is why I did not say it. I figured, well, I was the one at fault, I wanted to make amends, but it was very important for me to get you to forgive me and accept me again. I thought... oh hell, whatever, it's confession time, isn't it? I thought that maybe you would realise I wasn't that bad, and I could get you to truly like me."

He looks so vulnerable and boyish, that she can't help but taking him into her arms, and he hugs her in return, holding her tight.

"I was very hurt back then," she whispers. "After I heard you talking to your mother. Very, very hurt. But after what you told me last night... I can't even begin to fathom how hard it must have been for you. And I meant it, you know? Last night, when I told you I will be here for you. I'll do it. I'll help you take care of your mother. I'll be here to listen when everything becomes too much. You just need to say the word."

"Damn," he says, almost choking on his words. "I never thought someone would say that to me ever. Never even dreamed of it."

She manages to catch a glimpse of his face, enough to see the tears in his eyes, right before he kisses her. It's long, and sweet, and when their lips finally part, she gently wipes his wet cheeks, and in spite of his still obvious emotion, he does manage to smile.

That night, they go to sleep holding each other tight, and all nightmares are forgotten.

[freedomarrow]

Get Me off of Naga's Wild Ride (SV Aed)

post-chatplay drabble for arrival in Aed

Sun’s scorch falls upon him as he wakes, his arm wandering upwards to shield his eyes from the light before he can force them open. Sand and rock beneath him, sand and rock around him, pieces of wood, pieces of the ship, the sound of waves crashing against the shore;

right, he remembers now. They shipwrecked.

He gathers his strength and forces himself upwards. His body aches, likely from the impact, but he does not feel any serious injuries on his person. He will be fine. There are more important matters to take care of. Behind him, he can already hear voices – some of them raised; he gathers himself and his belongings and walks over to the group, his mind already analyzing some things they have said – and already disagreeing with some of them.

Sara wishes to go to the shrine, wherever that is, and Leonardo winces as he turns to her. “I think it's best if you don't wander off on your own. Even if you know the place, you don't know exactly the situation that we're dealing with here.” A pause. “At least, I am assuming you would have told us precisely what's going on if you did.”

He sighs, looking around and racking his brain to think of the next course of action. Something draws his attention in between the nearby cliffs. “... Let's gather whatever items of ours we find, and get going. We cannot stay out in the desert sun for too long.” He jerks his head in the direction he was looking at. “I spotted a road... of sorts, leading through there. It looks like it was used by people to travel through at one point. We could head inland through there, and maybe we'll encounter some civilization…”

A few voices agree with his idea. A few others, still voice doubts, either related to what he said,

Squabbling dogs, the lot of you!

Michalis' thundering voice reaches them, and Leonardo goes stiff on the spot. That is the voice of a general – a leader of men – a person he should not question – but he tries to gather his bearings. No – not here, not now, they need to make a decision…

Still, once he speaks again, his voice is quieter than before. “A river or at least a spring would be a good source of water – and I believe it will be easier to find among the cliffs. For food, if there are any animals at all in the area, I have bows and arrows, and experience with hunting...”

“...As Lady Ayra herself said... we don't know how far the borders of Thracia and Isaach are. We could end up wandering for days... and that would probably be the end of us.” His eyes wander towards the cliffs again, and the rough, but still possible to make out road leading through them. “I really think it would be best to take the path we can see humans have gone before…”

Why is it such an odd concept, he thinks to himself as his eyes briefly meet Sara’s when she voices her protests again, that he does not want to walk directly into a trap? Are things that messed up around here? “I'm against splitting up. If I go with one group and Arval with the other, we can send flaming arrow and spell signals between groups, but still, we will at some point run out of range. I'd rather not fragment us more than we've already been fragmented...”

Discussion goes on, even livelier than before. They should really move to the shade before continuing this, the thought lingers on his mind, as he casts a glance towards the cliffs again; but he is broken out of those thoughts by the same commanding voice as before – this time, addressing him personally.

“… You have armed yourself as if you should possess a keen eye. Do you? A hunter's prowess, hm?”

“I may be young, but I am an experienced archer already,” he nods. That much, he can say calmly, without lying, no matter who speaks to him and how. “And I would certainly say I have very good eyes, yes. I normally avoid praising myself, but that I can say with confidence.”

“And your memory? Should we venture inland and grow lost, would you recall our passed-by landmarks? Or would it be folly to entrust to you any sense of direction?”

“I... may not look like it, but I have survived in the wilderness for multiple days before. Tracking and remembering landmarks and the way I've traversed is no issue for me.”

“Then my vote is cast inland, but if you should falter, you will rue it.”

The tone of voice and the content of Michalis’ words combined prompt a small flinch from Leonardo, but he tries not to show it, only nodding. “... I will not fail us. I swear it.” If he wanted to say any more, it is interrupted as Caspar comes over to him and whispers – if one could call it a whisper at all, given it was more than loud enough for everyone to hear it.

“Dude...is he threatening us?”

“It's-?!” Yune’s feathers, he wants out of here already. “No. It's fine. We need to get moving soon…”

And yet, instead, an argument erupts anew, this time over the threat Michalis voiced towards him. Leonardo can only shake his head, it’s fine, I didn’t take it personally, really, but any protest he himself would want to voice dies in his throat. Sara protests, too, still insistent on the shrine while unable to prove that it is a safe destination, and yet frustrated they would not follow her, and he cannot help but hold himself back from asking her to just make sense, but he does not want to perpetuate the conflict even further.

It eventually subsides through a means simple but effective – whether this was a show of initiative or lost patience, Lady Ayra finally leaves, simply as that, towards the caves beneath the cliffs. “Lady Ayra,” Leonardo begins, but stops right there, freezing – before sighing and following her.

Their arrival to Jugdral could have gone better. Of that he has no doubt. Hopefully they can pick things up from here...

[dissociacrip]

i have a question about hypotonia if that’s okay…it’s basically when muscles can’t contract for very long right? i’ve been struggling with “muscle weakness” my entire life, but it seems like the muscles themselves are basically fine i just can’t make them do anything. like it’s very difficult to hold my arms over my head or keep them in any position that isn’t just letting them hang by my side (it’s extremely painful to hold a phone up to my ear longer than a minute or two for example) and i also have very poor grip strength + i can’t hold my head up or sit up straight without a lot of pain and exhaustion. i also have POTS and HSD. i never had any answers for this problem until i learned about hypotonia, i had assumed maybe it was POTS related until very recently lol. does this align with your experience at all? do you know if there’s anything to be done about it? apologies for asking you these questions, i can’t find a lot about hypotonia online that isn’t about babies or children

i finally (kind-of) found a source for these quotes that i think explain it best without academic jargon - they're on the wikipedia page for hypotonia but aren't cited for whatever reason, but i also can't really find the article they're from aside from some weird page here.

True muscle tone is the inherent ability of the muscle to respond to a stretch. For example, if you quickly straighten the flexed elbow of an unsuspecting child with normal tone, the biceps will quickly contract in response (automatic protection against possible injury). When the perceived danger has passed, which the brain figures out really quickly once the stimulus is removed, the muscle then relaxes, and returns to its normal resting state.

...The child with low tone has muscles that are slow to initiate a muscle contraction, contract very slowly in response to a stimulus, and cannot maintain a contraction for as long as his 'normal' peers. Because these low-toned muscles do not fully contract before they again relax (muscle accommodates to the stimulus and so shuts down again), they remain loose and very stretchy, never realising their full potential of maintaining a muscle contraction over time.

if you wanna get into the academic stuff, there's this Science Direct page (not super academic but still complex) and this NIH page (much more academic but goes into what muscle tone is and what it affects, although not hypotonia specifically.)

i wouldn't just pay attention to the posture and arm or grip thing by the way: in my case, hypotonia also causes me articulation problems irt the way i speak as well as balance and coordination, gait problems related to that stuff, swallowing mechanism (e.g. i aspirate things more easily than i should), drooling, digestive problems, etc. although symptom presentation depends on severity.

i also assumed that me having trouble keeping my arms up was a POTS thing lol. it might contribute to it but who knows, really. but i have the privilege of having some kind of medical professional (because i have zero record of this) assessing me as having low muscle tone when i was a young child.

as for what can be done about it: treatment can depend on the underlying cause but in my case (which i assume is hypotonia due to hEDS/HSD), my only option is muscle strengthening. if you're someone who can get physical and occupational therapy, they should be able to get you set up with a kind of exercise program or otherwise show you exercises/recommend things to help you strengthen your muscles. hypotonia usually presents with muscle weakness but doing low-impact muscle strengthening exercises is supposed to help, like, offset its effects (+can help stabilize your joints.) this can range from really simple stuff you can do at home while laying down, to walking on uneven ground, to swimming, to lifting weights or using exercise machines at the gym (this is precisely why i'm trying to be a disabled gym rat now lmao.)

having a medical professional to consult about it is helpful to keep from accidentally hurting yourself but if PT/OT isn't an option that's understandable (i mean, it cost me $2k even with insurance coverage.) i mean, i think the idea has merit, personally, because my joint instability has significantly decreased over the years since going into a job where i use my muscles more (even though that job fucking sucks and is probably really bad for me physically - just saying), but that's just my situation and i can't say for sure. what you can do about it really comes down to your own capabilities and individual disability situation which is why i think getting PT/OT if you can would be a good idea because (and not to say all med professionals are perfect because they aren't) those people are trained to figure that exact thing out for you. someone in a fitness group i'm in brought up seeing a kinesiologist (kinesiology is the scientific study of human body movement) so that could also be an option but i don't know anything about that.

hopefully this was helpful lol.

[themirroredmoon]

Meditation and ADHD

Now, I know what you may be thinking seeing this: "Corvid, I can't meditate! My body won't let me!"-- I can tell you now, confidently, that you're meditating wrong if you think meditation about the emptiness of your mind and doing nothing. When you feel your muscles are weak, what do you do? Exercise them. Your brain is no different then the rest of your body-- You need to 'stretch' or exercise it to make it stronger. Though I'm not talking about doing word puzzles or even listening to music, which are proven to improve brain function. We're here to talk about meditation and how you can start to work meditation into your daily life. Disclaimer: I myself have ADHD and these tips and tricks have worked wonders for me. If they don't for you, try a different approach.

Start off slow. Set a goal of three to five minutes a day. It'll seem like a lot at first but gradually it will get easier. If your thoughts wander or you can't sit still, don't worry-- This is completely normal. The goal is to merely observe your mind and how it functions and bring yourself back to focus when you notice it wander.

With that being said, please give yourself grace and leniency. Throughout your session, you may want to fidget or stretch, scratch that itch or count the black specks in the grout of your tiled kitchen floor. It happens. Instead of abandoning or saying that you failed, be kind to yourself and just continue. Scratch the itch and return to calm; stretch and maybe find a more comfortable position. Even if you feel you 'failed' the session, keep up with it and keep trying.

Find what you deem as a comfortable place to meditate. You could sit in your favorite chair, you could lie down with your favorite blanket, etc. You should loosen the tension in your muscles and make sure they're relaxed. If you cannot comfortably sit still, try a repetitive, 'autopilot' task like going for a walk. My favorite (and easiest) thing to do is focus on my breathing and the breaths I take. Some people listen to music. In time, you'll figure out what you find comfortable.

Being in a comfortable space also means pay attention to what you're wearing. It may be harder to let your mind relax if the waistband of your pants is digging into your skin or your sweater is itchy. The same thing goes for earrings that pull down on your ears too much or shoes that feel tight. Wear what you find comfortable and lessen the distractions.

When you notice your mind wandering from you in the moment, simply acknowledge the thought and return your attention to your task (walking, breathing, etc). Accept that minds are meant to think and give yourself permission to have a wandering mind. Don’t judge yourself for having thoughts or focus your attention on them.

Quiet is relative. Not everyone has a peaceful environment so the goal is to lessen the distractions as much as possible. Turn off your phone, close your bedroom door, put pets in another room, whatever you can and need to do.

When your session is complete, don't just jerk yourself back to reality. Give yourself and your body the time it needs to come back to the present. Doesn't matter if you meditated for one minute or one hour, take your time-- If your eyes were closed, slowly open them; if you were on a walk, take an extra couple of minutes to get home; etc.

Find a body double-- If they're willing to meditate with you, that's amazing. If not, have them hold you accountable for the task and make sure you do it. Set up a regular, daily time to do so and use one of the many meditation apps out there nowadays.

The take away that I hope you get from this is that you don't have to clear your mind or be blank or not move an inch. Allow yourself to do whatever you feel you need to do and then return back to the mindfulness that is meditation. Be kind to yourself and don't 'should' yourself; I never said this would be easy, I just said it was possible.

[ddarker-dreams]

Inspired by the last ask you received I'd love nothing more than your take on a legitimately pissed off yandere Chrollo. If there was something reader could say or do that would actually trigger him for 0.01 terrifying seconds, what would it be?

OHHHHHHHHHHHH ACTUALLY i've got an idea... normally my brain comes up blank for this question or any variations of it but i'm feeling particularly insufferable today . hence my heightened ability to stir up fictional drama. (spoilers for the anime + manga belooooow)

this would require some setup/reloaded saves on your part, but basically if you have a working knowledge of the troupe, it would be possible. major warning though. the momentary satisfaction of making this point and wiping the irritating self-contentment off his face is very likely NOT worth it. cannot stress this up. proceed with caution. the clip with your name on it is about to move from green to red. okay here goes.

"had you dealt with hisoka earlier, none of this would've happened. you brought all on yourself. uvogin, pakunoda, kortopi and shalnark died due to your pride."

this is based off the fact chrollo more or less let hisoka do his thing for the longest time — as evidenced by the conversation between machi, nobu, feitan and franklin in episode 41. there's no way chrollo wasn't aware of how flighty/disloyal hisoka was, though he may not have known the entire extent of it. telling chrollo this right after his fight with hisoka would pour super fresh salt on the wound. ouch ouch. the truth hurts! he likes forcing you to confront the parts of yourself you want to keep hidden, so might as well give him a taste of his own bitter medicine. just pray to whatever god you think might hear you out because it's not going to be pretty.

[datawyrms]

Dying for Escape

Here it is- the fic I worked on this Invisobang with @abrielarnold This is just the first chapter for a bit of a taste, the rest is all up on Ao3 to enjoy Make sure to check out the amazing art and animation! (and reblog em, as they deserve more reblogs)

“Our apologies for any confusion and distress. We hoped to avoid any innocents getting tangled in this mess, but the foul monster has pushed our hand.” The voice rang out, echoing off the walls to be everywhere and nowhere, silencing the small gathered group.

“Most of you are citizens of Amity Park, correct?”

Danny’s stomach did a flip, anxiously pulling at the weird bracelet everyone woke up with. So much for this not being related to home.

“We are tracking and trying to eliminate a murderous ghost. We located it, succeeded in cornering it, but then it managed to slip towards all of you. It is pretending to be human to lose us. The bodies you have seen, the bloodstains and various horrors are all that fiend’s doing, so you understand why we had to take such measures to secure it. None of us want any of you to come to harm, but we cannot allow that ghost to escape.”

Scoffing, but not much. Too many people who were used to ghosts just being a normal thing to be just some random group. This felt more and more like a set up the more the voice spoke.

“The bracelets we have given you will keep the monster from possessing you, or using any other of its ghastly abilities. We need your cooperation so we can release you as soon as possible.”

“What do you creeps want! Stop going on about some dumb ghost!”

“We need you to kill the ghost. As long as it pretends to be human, it is as mortal as any of you. Once it’s signature vanishes you can all go home with the knowledge you have saved everyone from a brutal mass murderer.”

What were the odds that there just happened to be another ghost who could look human in this group, really? He wasn’t a murderer. He would never do anything like what he saw, piling up bodies like it was some sort of game. It couldn’t be good odds. Maybe even impossible.

“I can deal with some ghost, but if they’re so good at being ‘human’ how are we supposed to know if you actually got the thing? I don’t work for people who kidnap me.”

Oh boy. Just what he needed, a familiar voice. He hunched more, hoping he wasn’t spotted by his ghost hunting classmate.

“We have a lock on its ectoplasmic signature, even if we cannot find the source. Once it is destroyed, the signature will be gone.” There was a crackle, a sort of rush of static as the nearby electronic store flickered to life, one of the remaining intact TVs lit with an eerie green light. It almost seemed like a heart monitor, a line pulsing and flickering up and down at a steady rate.

A rate that felt uncomfortably familiar if Danny tracked his own pulse.

“When that line goes flat, you have succeeded. No matter how human it pretends to be, or how lifelike it seems when it bleeds, you will know you did not kill a human. Just this foul monster.”

The extra clarification only made it even harder to keep still. What could he possibly do if anyone decided he was ‘the ghost’, if he didn’t even have the ability to appeal with his humanity?

Ugh. What was the plate number of whatever the heck set his head pounding?

Waking up was unexpected, and somehow rude. As if he shouldn’t be waking up, but his sudden awareness of the world felt like a new thing. He didn’t actually remember going to sleep, or even getting clobbered in a fight. Rubbing his fingers into his forehead didn’t help clear the confusing fog that had taken up residence in his brain, instead it only made him aware of a dull pounding right above his eyes. Great start to the day. If it was a start?

No, he didn’t usually start the day on a tiled floor. Maybe his own floor sometimes, but he’d gotten pretty good about not sleep phasing through things.  A ghost fight went bad? No? He’d remember a fight, or at least what hit him, right? No thermos next to him or hooked onto his belt. Really, he should open his eyes and actually look instead of blindly feeling around. It just hurt.

The dull electrical buzzing kept droning on, covering up anything else worth listening to. Well, he had light. The high ceilings shone brightly, the weird sort of ledge wrapped around the roof hiding the light source. Like who thought a ceiling needed to look all multi tiered and fancy? Especially if there was nothing else of interest up there. Maybe the metal head of a sprinkler or two? Sam would have something to say about malls being over designed shrines to purchases. If she was here, wherever here was. It wasn’t the mall he knew, it was never this weirdly quiet there. Really, it was so empty that he was actually starting to feel cold.

“Tucker? Sam?” Danny called out as he got to his feet, scanning for his friends. If this was ghost nonsense, they were probably here too. They’d been together before whatever this weird wake up was. At least, he was pretty sure they were? Stupid headache was making it hard to think. “Guys?” Someone he knew had to know something, right?

There was something worse than just the dull buzzing sound. The echoing somewhat ‘cheerful’ jingles of canned mall music assaulted his ears as he shouldered through the heavy red double doors. It just sounded wrong, bouncing off the too large and empty space, trying to be calm while his heart wanted to just beat faster. Where was everyone? How did he even get here?

Danny shut his eyes and forced himself to breathe before his thoughts would run him into a full panic. Less focus on what he can’t remember and more focus on right now, and himself. Why did he have a really ugly new wrist accessory? It wasn’t uncomfortable or pinching at his skin, but he couldn’t find a way to undo it. It wasn’t going to slip over his wrist either, not while he still had a hand on there. So kidnapped, dumped in a freaky empty mall and given tacky jewellery. No problem, he could deal with that sort of thing. He fought ghosts after school, this probably didn’t even fit on his weird scale.

Except he couldn’t phase the bracelet off. The metal almost seemed like it was sneering at him as the fluorescent light bounced off of it. It was irritatingly shiny and new. He focused and tried again.

Nothing. No tingle in his arm, no jolt of cold from within. He couldn’t make it intangible, and worse he couldn’t make himself intangible either. Two more points on the ‘this is creepy’ scale. At least it didn’t shock him for trying? Great, that’s positive. At least whatever it is isn’t a spectre deflector, that counts for something! Not a lot, but enough to let him keep trying to pull at it to see if it might break.

Sore fingers one, Danny zero. Fine, stupid bracelet was staying for now. He had more important things to figure out. “Sam? Tucker?” He only got his own voice echoing back as he moved, the mostly emptied storefronts just making him feel even more alone. So what was this, Vlad thinking he was really funny by knocking him out and dropping him in some abandoned shopping center? Fruitloop.

He’d rather fly and see what was going on from above, but apparently intangibility wasn’t the only thing he was locked out of right now. None of his ghost powers were responding as he tested them and walked, not even getting the sensation of them starting up and fizzling out. It was more like getting hit with the Plasmius Maximus, like he didn’t have his powers at all. Surely the bracelet couldn’t do all that on its own? Even his parents hadn’t made something like that yet. Or at least not one that didn’t shock the hell out of him to ‘disable’ them anyway.

“Hey! Kid! You okay?”

Danny froze, letting go of the bracelet to give them his full attention. Not alone then, okay. “Yeah? Why?”

The man wasn’t as large as his dad, but he was still big. Wide shouldered and muscular without being built like a fridge, jogging over with an urgency that just made Danny feel more uncomfortable. Why did some stranger want to know if he was ‘okay’? Well. He had the dumb bracelet too, so maybe this mall wasn’t as empty as it felt.

“Good. Just stick with me and we’ll find a way out of here, okay?”

He scowled at the assumption. Like he should be all scared and want some random grown up to ‘save him’. He didn’t need help, thanks. “I don’t even know you.”

“You were on the bus too, right?”

Was he? He didn’t really need to take the bus much now if he didn’t want to. Telling this random guy that didn’t feel safe. Instead he crossed his arms and looked away. Stranger danger or whatever.

The man sighed, but didn’t leave. “You don’t have to trust me, but keep close. It’s not safe around here.”

“Seemed pretty safe to me.” Just empty and kinda creepy. Not dangerous. If only he could use his powers to duck out of sight! “I’m fine.”

“Listen, I just don’t want to see any more corpses, kid. That means trying to keep you safe.”

“What, now you’re just making up that there’s bodies here?” Danny clenched his hands into fists, wondering if he still had some of his ghostly strength if he needed it. This guy was right on top of his ‘suspicious slimeballs’ list, serious look or not. “Not cool.”

The man actually paused at that, eyes narrowing slightly as if to get a better look at the boy. “You haven’t seen?”

“Duh? Because there aren’t any bodies, you weirdo.” Maybe some of the karate his mom insisted he had to learn might be useful even if he wasn’t as strong as he usually was. Danny kept his eyes on the man while backing away. Was this guy the kidnapper just pretending to be friendly or something?

“It’s bad that way, listen to me.” When Danny kept backing up the man rubbed his forehead “Teenagers. Least my kid isn’t so jumpy.”

He was forced to stop by backing into a door, half turning his head so he would know how to push to get it open. Yet instead of doing that, all his muscles locked up. He hadn’t been pushing a pull door, the way was just blocked.

By a human body. With blood still dripping down the glass.

Bile rose in his throat as he stumbled away, trying not to look too closely. No way. That was just a prop, a fake. He totally didn’t see bone from where their head was- nope stop thinking about it!

“You see what I mean? Come on, I’ve been trying to find anyone else stuck here. That isn’t dead.”

“What happened?” Danny managed to ask, even if it felt like a croak.

“No idea. I just woke up here like anyone else. There’s some others waiting at the food court, but none of us really know much beyond being on the bus.”

What if this guy was the murderer though? Even if he did tell him there were bodies before he actually saw one. Something about him just made Danny uncomfortable. Too confident? He didn’t really have anything better to do than check if there were others though. He nodded, sort of following in a daze as he tried to make sense of everything. How did he get wrapped up in this? Why couldn’t he use his powers if this was just some nutcase? Where were his friends?

Jazz probably had a word for the weird haze he was stuck in, sort of listlessly nodding at the small group of people gathered around the barren tables, matching bracelets on their arms. He wanted to do something, help people get out but how? He couldn’t go ghost! What was he meant to do a murderer? He can’t put humans in soup thermoses! Ghost fighting was way less confusing. Not as scary. He didn’t let anyone get super hurt in those, and he never got like his head caved in like- like that.

It didn’t help that most of these people were taller than he was. Older than him. The murmurs of ‘he’s just a kid’ did not make him feel any better. He wasn’t just some kid, usually. Not someone scared stiff in some stupid mall.

“Oh you’re that Fenton kid, right?”

Danny forced himself to focus, shaking his head hard as if it might banish the cobwebs within. “It’s Danny.”

“Thought so! I’m Mikey. Any chance this is like some weird prank by your parents?”

Mikey? Oh yeah. He sort of knew him. Just someone else in school that wasn’t really popular. “No? My parents hunt ghosts, not make haunted houses or whatever.”

His face fell at Danny’s snappish retort. “Oh. I was just hoping maybe this was uh. Not real?”

“Yeah. Sorry.” He looked down at his shoes, the guilt an extra bit of emotion he didn’t want to feel right now. Being stuck here was bad enough without being nasty to someone who was just trying to talk a bit. “Do you remember anything? Before being here?”

“Not much. I was gonna go downtown today but it’s all kinda messed up in my head?” Mikey shrugged before leaning forward. “Most of the adults are talking about a bus? So maybe something happened and all of us were on it?”

Like a random natural portal? It was the first thing he could think of, but this wasn’t the ghost zone. Or at least it didn’t feel like it to him. It just looked like any other mall, no green. He wasn’t walking through walls either, so they weren’t ghost walls. “I guess?” Was the only safe response, not really wanting to be too open about his ghost knowledge. Sure he should know some stuff because of his parents, but not too much. That would make him even more of a social outcast.

Though the repetition of a bus did sort of feel familiar. Tucker had wanted to go…somewhere? Maybe? So shouldn’t Tucker be here too? Sam? He looked around the group again, anxious knots twisting his stomach. They were safe, right? They had to be okay.

Maybe there were fifty or so people milling around, just as confused and irritated as everyone else. More annoyingly was how some of the adults huddled together and whispered to hide things.

“Just try to keep the kids around here, they shouldn’t see some of that stuff. Too young for it.”

Too young to see what? Did he actually want to know? Maybe not. His stomach was bad enough as it was right now.

“Whoever it is, they’re sick. Saw three burned from the inside, stacked up like lego.”

“You serious? How? That’s serial killer shit!”

Yeah okay, maybe he didn’t want to hear this. He ducked his head down and covered it, trying to just calm down. Yet his failure to find and protect his friends and loved ones hurt and stabbed at his heart. They might be okay! They might not be. He didn’t know, and didn’t have any way of finding out. Not with anyone ‘young’ was being kept sort of corralled in the center of the group to be safe.

“Uh Danny? Do you need some water? You look really pale.” Mikey’s voice invaded his mind like an icepick, jolting him out of his thoughts.

“I’m fine.” Really, he didn’t think he’d hold down the water if he did take the offered bottle.

“Well I’ll just leave it here? If you change your mind. I’m gonna see if I saw Nathan over there. Or anyone else from school.”

He didn’t need to do that, or say where he was going, but Danny sort of appreciated it. “Okay.” Anyone else from school would include his friends. Who he sort of didn’t want to be here, but did want to know if they were okay.

  “Our apologies for any confusion and distress. We hoped to avoid any innocents getting tangled in this mess, but the foul monster has pushed our hand.”