#with ocd you cant really...control those thoughts?

[halfofmysoulasthepoetsay]

shit if I have ocd do you think the gods will understand /genq

[msallurea]

The Blessing of No Longer Relasping

TW: very vulnerable, includes discussion of dr*gs, su1c1de, s3lf h4rm, etc

Today I woke up and everything was going fine until my morning was ruined because I couldn't find my key on my purse which is where I always put it. This pissed me completely off for 3 main reasons:

1. I hate hearing my mom fuss and give me the irresponsibility speech

2. I ALWAYS am 99.9% aware of where my things are and if not then it's placed in the last place I know I put it at which I didn't see it at

3. My siblings are the reason I know my key wasn't there

How my set my personal belongings I try putting it in a way where it can't be touched, unfourtanetly my siblings always find a way to ruin that which is why I've been dying for my own fucking room. This weekend they had continuously kept dropping mythings and at some point I got tired of it and told them they need to pick up my things themselves, this alone pissed me off even more because when I checked my things stuff was still on the floor that was for me. As I was trying to find my key this morning mind you I have to be at school at a certain time as well I couldn't even find it and when I asked my siblings to help me because I know in my gut they're the reason why it wasn't there, for one they were barely looking and secondly they sat up there looking in the places I knew it wasn't at..(my little sister for example sees me looking in my purse and sits up there walk towards me trying to look in my purse to see if it's there I MEAN WTF BRO😑🤬)

So now I'm sitting in class trying to figure out how I'm about to tell my mom I don't have my key without telling her and play it off. Honestly this whole thing upsets me and really sets me off causing me stress. I had came to school ans my thoughts were pretty rampant but after a long while eventually I calm down...well at least my thoughts weren't so rampant. Normally I would've tried doing something to harm myself or fill my mind up with the many MANY ways I would've wanted to either get revenge or harm myself or 0verd0se of dr*gs just to feel better especially because I'm holding back a ton of tears right now. This is sensitive and so stressful for me because I do have OCD and I'm prone to high levels of stress especially especially when I become compulsive.

This time around I didn't do anything out of character. I didn't plunge myself up in a dark place and drown myself in my own rage and impulse shoving myself down with anything harmful i could find just to feel better like I normally would've done. The worst part is with all this I was gonna blame myself for even allowing this entire situation to happen this way. I say all this to say to anyone who does have issues with relapsing and going back to there old self h4rming tendencies that it is ok...you don't have to be a slave to your darker traits. It's a blessing I didn't drown myself in my compulsive nature and self aimed harm. Just like for those who have been going strong on sobriety and are recovering from your own self h4rm tendencies I want you to know I'm so proud of you..that's something I wish I could hear in times like this where the world we live in currently quite literally anything could trigger me and people like me.

To those who are still here holding strong just know we both made it this far and we're gonna make it even farther..to those who are on their verge of end and feel they are ready to clock out and unsubcribe from what feels like hell right now...I cant control your choices and decisions but if you have any little feeling left at all in you please understand that you don't have to be a slave to yourself anymore. I know you wanna let it all go and not deal with any of these things anymore, but know there is always a choice even when you can't see them. You always have a choice to finally take control even if it seems like you can't. Take it from me when I say that it is out of our control to see how others will do us and the circumstances we go through but it is in our control how we handle them and how we choose to let them affect us. To those who feel like no one ever listens know that you're always being heard..from someone much higher than any of us, who you believe that to be is your choice. There's a reason you're still here even if you can't see it yet or even understand, you're not gonna understand now but you will one day which makes this all the more valuable.

You are loved, you are safe, you're protected, you ARE enough and always will be..

[sunset-bridge]

gorbo thoughts part .. 3?

goro thoughts update. id like to ramble again

ok i think he might not have ocd actually! i mean he could but like...i dont think theres too many signs. so yes id like to. recall that. i think that was just me projecting LMAO.. its ok! i love learning more about my favorite guy. you know what he does have

i stand by the ocpd. (obsessive compulsive personality disorder, its a completely different thing from OCD. its a personality disorder) also Definetely ctpsd (complex ptsd)...... ! i was talking with someone and they brought it up and i was like. WOAG.. after reading about it

disclaimer: i only talk about these because i have them LOL.. im sure gorbo has a cute soup of Other problems but like. i cant really talk about those well... i find these two really interesting though.

see. ocpd, is like the perfectionist control freak disorder. its what people Think ocd is lol. BUT as a personality disorder, its so much more than that. people with ocpd also:

-you tend to have a black and white moral code

-your way is the only right way.

-you like to do things alone because no one else could do them right; this may cause relationship problems and you may come across as a fucking cunt ( i know this..)

difficulty compromising and accepting any critisicim of your actions or opinions.

excessive devotion to work and productivity

sosososo afraid of failure even if its kinda small. you feel it will ruin your image forever and ever. if i make a mistake put me to death please.

Frequently become overly fixated on a single idea, task or belief. even to detriment of . everything else in your life...

yeah...

me and some friends definetely see some of these in goro! ofc im so happy to hear what you guys think, i dont mind changing my views at all (like with the ocd thing i changed opinion about!)

like.. hes super fixated on his revenge plan, its the Only thing he cares about and everything is fair game if it allows him to advance that. leave him alone, its no one elses problem. he knows what hes doing. he has to be right about his values and beliefs. he has to. or else whats the point. dont tell him hes wrong. what do you mean? you dont know anything about him. he cant fail, he cant make mistakes, he has to work hard so everyone sees him exactly as he wants to and as someone valuable.

and. cptsd. as the name suggests its. a form of ptsd but..it has the Special Added features of:

-sometimes cant control emotions well

-you feel angry distrustful and resentful at the world in general

you feel worthless, empty or forever damaged by an event. like if you were stained with dirt forever.

you feel isolated. like no one could ever even understand what you went through (not in like an. edgy kid way. like fr. you feel even if you explained to people. they wouldnt understand you and your feelings. or theyd judge you and further hurt you...)

avoiding friendships and relationships, or finding them very difficult (!!)

escapism or depersonalisation...dissociative behaviors .

yeah.. ! yeah. i think these ring quite some bells huh..! its really shitty! you feel like no one would get it, like no one would like you, like you are ruined forever and theres not much to do about it.

makes sense that goro would absorb himself in his plan. after all. he felt he was some sort of curse upon his mom; as if he was the one responsible for ruining her life.. but hed like to "redeem" himself with the revenge plan. he has to, even if its difficult to go on. i wonder if he planned to do anything if he achieved his plan? i dont think so. its a bit sad but.. he didnt really seem to plan doing. or living much more after. its like his whole life he convinced himself his only use would be as the vehicle to enact a revenge years in the making, and thats it.

as if he wasnt a person. just a tool to revenge. i think this is why its so difficult, frustrating and downright distressing to him to accept he too, has feelings and wants and needs like any Normal Person on planet earth. no way. those just interfere with the plan. and he has no right anyways.

i thought how id feel, in his shoes and with all my cute soup of wrong stuff, if some guy showed up, hes the guy i gotta kill. ok. then hes nice with me, as if mocking me. hes better at me in most things. he has friends and family and everyone likes him and he barely moves a finger. while i had to work so damn hard to even get acknowledged?? what does he have that i do not. hes nothing special. so why? then this guy acts like a fool even when hes so extraordinary in every aspect... does he think its funny? for someone so special to pretend to be ordinary. when id kill to be just half as special as him. honestly.. id become super frustrated with this bastard too. his presence would infuriate me. and the most frustrating thing, would be that this guy seems to be the only guy that seems to like hanging out with me. what the hell. guess he enjoys trying to humor me..

man...

[seperatehands]

venting into the void

ive accomplished so much since i abandoned my family by joining the military. i regret it sometimes but overall i know that if i hadn’t done it i’d have ended my life by now so maybe that’s a good thing. i miss my sister but i know she’s ok, she got out before i did and she’s stable on her own. im stationed only 3.5 hours from them, so it’s okay. i can go visit sometimes. i just wish i could save the dogs; they’re still getting mistreated by my mother. i wish i wouldve seen back then all the things she has done. i couldve gotten help a long time ago if i knew. i’m like this because of her, but i cant change it now. i can only get better. i’m still trying to learn how to navigate social situations. i make a lot of mistakes. i’m still trying to shake off the guilt and shame the childrens home ingrained in me. i’m trying to build myself up. i fuck up a lot. but i think all things considered, i’m doing well for myself. i don’t intend to hurt anyone’s feelings ever. my fear of men is one that might never go away. a lot of them think i’m interested in them, no, i’m still gay LMAO, i just don’t really see them as threats vs every other man so i’m actually excited to see & talk to them. it makes me upset when people misinterpret me like this but i don’t know how to change it. my fear of men also stems from what my dad did to me, and even before then, but i digress, i was scared of men long before i was 16 and alone with him. i think i use these idols and these characters as ways to cope, to have some sort of control within my life. because realistically, i have none. i signed a contract at 18 years old that i really didn’t understand. and for four years, i gave my life away. im only halfway through it now. i work a job i don’t really have any passion for. i actually love my team, they’re like family to me, but rotations never last long. ever. so it’s just heartbreak after heartbreak when they leave. and a lot of them don’t care about you outside of work, but i’ve never been built like that. i can’t just… if i care about you, i care about you. as a coworker AND as a person. if my troop said she needed something i’d do everything i could to get it for her. that’s just how i am. and people take advantage of that a lot. it sucks. i feel like i don’t really have anyone in my life that’s steady other than my online friends, which sucks a lot. autumn has been my rock for years now, but our schedules conflict so much now that it’s hard to find time to spend together. telli and i are fated friends, but she lives halfway across the world. scout and i are fr soulmates but we’re both always busy. i love my friends dearly, and i try and make time for them when i can. i love my troop, she and i are good friends, i promise, but i really havent found anyone irl that understands me yet. i am not normal. i don’t enjoy things that most people my age do, and it’s frustrating. i definitely don’t like drinking lol, i don’t like partying, i don’t like clubs, i get overstimulated and overwhelmed by those things really easily. i like staying in and watching movies, i like just hanging out. going to do things like hunting for a specific old video came disc. things like that. ugh i have so many thoughts this shit is gonna be long as hell. my therapist thinks i have ocd along with my already diagnosed major depressive disorder, generalized and social anxiety, ptsd related to childhood sexual assault, and psychosis symptoms. she suspects me of autism, adhd, and possibly even very mild schizophrenia IM MENTAL ILLNESS FINAL BOSS

p.s. my mom ruined my life and my sisters’s too. oh, and my dad’s a pedophile who likes his own daughter a bit too much.

[sugar-and-spite]

hey i hope this isnt weird with me being a total stranger but i saw your post in the tag about ocd + adhd and not knowing if that’s a Thing and i just thought i would send you my two cents, since ocd + adhd is apparently exactly what i have! in my case i got diagnosed w/ ocd first and then adhd (inattentive type) a year later. i know chances of misdiagnoses are very high from what i have read and talks ive had with both my ocd and adhd specialists, particularly misdiagnosing ocd as hyperactive adhd. but i really can tell you that i definitely definitely have both. i can read about either one, about the unique symptoms/experiences with technically no overlap, and just go “exactly exactly exactly” every line. adhd meds work wonders for helping me feel grounded and focused but does nothing to control my compulsions, while ocd therapy has been so effective for overcoming some of my obsessions but does nothing to mitigate hyperfixations, etc. it feels like i kind of have otherwise textbook cases of both, except for the fact that i just happen to have them together (ain’t life fun)

speaking completely from my own experiences, i will say my adhd tendencies and my ocd tendencies usually feel pretty separate. i would describe it spending most of the day dealing with adhd stuff with ocd moments peppered in lol. but i feel they do interact in some ways. certainly my adhd makes my worst ocd compulsions more difficult to deal with because it can overlap with bouts of hyperfocus that makes it VERY hard to stop. my adhd also makes erp therapy plans (i.e. exposure-response prevention, standard ocd treatment) harder to stick to consistently due to executive dysfunction, plus my weird rotation of more minor ocd obsessions and compulsions that come and go at varying levels of intensity almost like hyperfixations. my ocd in turn affects my adhd hyperfixations by making my engagement with them a bit compulsive at times. basically it feels like adhd and ocd are two little guys in my brain pointing at each other saying “i can make them worse” lol

obviously i cant diagnose you over a tumblr ask or at all nsgshshs im not a professional myself or anything, i also don’t know if this will even sound relatable because adhd can present soo differently and ocd can entail so many different kinds of obsessions and compulsions but i thought it might help to share my experience at least in case it’s at all helpful. good luck and stay well out there!

thank you so much for this!! honestly hearing from other people has been the most helpful thing for me with this, my brain has been trying to convince me that i can't possibly have these issues, and it's harder for that to make sense when i hear so many people saying they deal with the same stuff lol

i totally understand what you're saying abt them making each other worse - i feel like some of my obsessions have stemmed from forgetting things due to adhd, and then overcompensating and becoming obsessive over not forgetting. i also have BFRBs (body focused repetitive behaviors - skin picking in my case, but hair pulling is also common) and i've read that those are common with both adhd and ocd. i was on stimulants for a while for my adhd and fatigue, and while they helped those issues immensely, they didn't really help the picking at all, so i wonder if that's because stimulants don't usually help ocd?

anyway, this isn't weird at all and i really appreciate hearing other people's perspectives 💖 it makes me feel like i'm less alone in my brainweirdness!

[ocdhuacheng]

anyway putting this here too also to that one person who replied on a post a million years ago to elaborate on the ocd headcanon and then i forgot and it was like a month later so i felt awkward about it. heres something i guess. 

also one thing i forgot to mention was like.. okay so ocd is all about wanting to be in control of ur life. when things are out of my control it freaks me out. i despise ambiguity and not having concrete answers to things. lol. so anyway. i find it so funny how much of a gossip hua cheng is. like he has his nose in everyones business its hilarious so anyway being a ghost king it is obvi helpful to know whats going on in the world. realms. whatever, but i think hua cheng definitely has these kind of control issues, like he HAS to know whats going on at all times with everyone. his butterflies are everywhere recording things, obviously theyre looking for xie lian but hes also just snooping. Because If He Doesnt Know Whats Going On Everywhere He Will Die. (Again) 

and like his intrusive thoughts are super disturbing. Like we all know how he was debating slaughtering those humans on mt tonglu but ended up not because xie lian would have saved them. obviously that was already a stressful unusual situation but like i dont think that kind of thing gets any better even when hes just like. chilling. he gets visions of himself burning ghost city to the ground or attacking humans or destroying his own ashes or otherwise causing harm to others, like yin yu. like he pretends he doesnt care about yin yu and he xuan and stuff but i do think hes fond of them, but he tries to keep his distance because 1) hes dumb and 2) he gets really freaked out by these violent thoughts he has about them. the worst is, when he finally meets xie lian again he gets these thoughts about him too and it takes literally everything he has not to like. throw himself into a volcano, or something. 

his hoarding im a little ? about because i dont exactly remember the details of it but i do know he has a ridiculous amount of like trinkets and weapons and magical items and stuff in paradise manor, but i also know he doesnt really care if they get destroyed or not, which is kind of strange but i do what i want and im making him a hoarder bc im a hoarder and i love projecting. though now that i think about it. like if i have a big pile of something that i dont want to get rid of, but someone else does it for me without asking or something happens to it like yeah i get angry but sometimes i also just get kind of relieved........... idk. will have to think about this more

about not wanting things to get dirty. he was very poor and dirty as a child so now he has the connection of being dirty = being miserable, and this is taken to the extreme when he becomes a supreme bc now hes able to be clean and any dirt or blood on him or something/someone he cares about (’cant let you down the ground is dirty’; shielding the flower, etc) is like. an attack on this power he has now ? if that makes sense. idk how to explain....... 

the body dysmorphia and obsession with xie lian and making sure everything is orderly and perfect in the temple is self explanatory ig also im getting hungry so i dont want to write anymore. also like i mean idk if any of this is coherent anyway bc i cant write but ya

any other ocd havers welcome to add on

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

TW: mentions of Possible sexual abuse/mental health issues, mentions of flashbacks/Trauma responses and previous (non-sexual) abuse,

im just really confused about all of this, and its putting a strain on my relationship with my mother, i guess i'd like to know resources/advice, and just have some support on this, since I cant really talk about it with anyone IRL.

Backstory: I have autism and some kind of ptsd/memory issues. my family has a history of OCD, and my therapist thinks I have it as well.

My mom has a boyfriend, I'll call him B. B and I got along mostly (as far as i remember) until recently, now just being in the same room as him makes me extremely uncomfortable, and my brain keeps telling me he's going to assault me in some way. It's gone so far that i've had panic attacks that act like traumatic flashbacks at least once a week, including "memorys" of a previous assult. Just bits and pieces, nothing specific. The problem is, i don't remember this, and it couldn't be possible, I have been home alone with B multiple times, and he hasn't done anything, my mothers never had another partner apart from my father, and i've been alone with my father multiple times, and he hasnt done anything to hurt me (except slap my ass twice) and I can't believe that he'd assult me, he was sort of abusive when he lived with us, but nothing sexual, just verbal, and only when he was drunk.

I've started thinking I have some sort of OCD around Sex/Sexuality, If thats even possible, but this only started recently, around late 2020, even though i've had an aversion to anything Sexual as far as i can remember. But theres still a lot of things I can't explain about it.

Sorry if this is a lot or doesn't make much sense, i don't really know how to explain it well.

-Reid

Hey Reid! Hope you're doing well :)

What you're describing sounds like intrusive thoughts, which are a very common symptom for people with OCD, though they can also occur for people with PTSD, or an otherwise trauma related mental disorder, or sometimes in anxiety disorders as well.

Intrusive thoughts are involuntary, distressing thoughts, images, scenes or suggestions that come to one's mind either out of nowhere or when triggered by something. It's always important to reiterate that they are not a representation of your morals, or of reality. Some people do experience intrusive thoughts related specifically to sexual acts or sexual assault - though, there is no such thing as purely sexual OCD. A possibly better way to describe this would be sexual intrusive thoughts.

Dealing with intrusive thoughts is tricky. Some common techniques used are mindfulness and grounding. Mindfulness refers to centering yourself in the present, guiding yourself through your thoughts and reassuring yourself that it will pass. When a intrusive thought comes, it can be very useful to remind yourself that this is not reality, that this is a fleeting experience, to take your train of thought back to where it originally was, and redirecting yourself. Grounding is using physical sensations to calm yourself. This can be consciously regulating your breathing, looking around your surroundings, pinching yourself lightly, relaxing your muscles, or using a calming stimuli. Both of these things allow you to regain awareness and control of yourself, your mental state and your awareness when intrusive thoughts make those difficult. Thought, different techniques work for different people, you'll need to figure out what works for you specifically :] we have another suggestion under resources, in our pinned post, as well as the tag intrusive thoughts in our blog!

Intrusive thoughts are distressing, especially when the hint at something that goes against your own experiences and memories, but you absolutely can deal with them. Consider bringing this up to your therapist as well! And good luck :] - mod Hakki

[flockofdoves]

i don’t like when theres posts like ‘rate how the visuals look like when you imagine things in your mind’ because like. idk its complicated??? like i think beyond ppl who are extremely visual always and ppl with aphantasia theres so many different ways of ppls thoughts working that arent just going to be summed up by ‘ah i’m in between i see silhouettes’. also obviously different people in different contexts might have different ways they go about this stuff too its not necessarily an all the time thing either and ppl have different levels of control over how they choose to do this stuff say like while reading too

like i know its not that serious and also ofc anything rating really complex things for fun isnt going to fully reflect stuff but just like.

its not like for me personally i Cant see things? if i really try i can really in depth visualize things if i try to focus on that aspect (beyond a separate issue i have with intrusive thoughts while visualizing where my brain actively works against me and literally will like. slam closed doors i’ve part way opened if i’m trying to visualize that for example. maybe not the right word to use here but as a person with ocd who also has what absolutely should be referred to as intrusive thoughts i really don’t care. you get me) . but in just thinking things i think i default tend to emphasize language/sounds/feelings (both in the physical (whether touch or internal) and emotional sense) and just like. idk. some abstract vibe that combines all my sensory input but isn’t really something concrete of which sight is only one aspect. but when those posts are like ‘oh do you see a whole scene while reading a book or just important elements’ on the same scale as the detail of the visuals you see thats a false binary to me bc i get a clear sense of the whole environment surrounding characters in books and such but it doesnt necessarily mean i have a clear visual idea of all the details. i think thats why i really enjoyed reading the broken earth series so far (still need to finish the last one tho!!) because there was so much description of like. more abstract sensory stuff relating to touch/physical sensations/sound and a knowing of things out of your sight because that just really vibes with how i tend to focus in my experience the world. don’t really know how to express this all. its so cool how many different ways people go about this stuff and wild to really think about how i can never fully have their experiences communicated to me so i understand them in a way i can fully know is accurate.

[theartfuldodger26]

Bellamort for the ship meme

 Thank you @knightessofwalpurgis for the ask and apologies for taking me a month to answer - March has been... quite the experience.  But Bellamort exists to give us comfort, so let’s get crackin’!

who is more likely to hurt the other?

Voldemort can tear anyone apart with some well-chosen words (as we see Locket!Voldemort do to Ron), but he rarely uses those on Bella, because a. she rarely deserves to be humiliated like that, and b. he just wouldn’t do that to her. 

What’s more likely, is that he hurts her inadvertently, since he may fail to understand certain emotional needs that Bella most people have - a touch, a kind word after success, casual conversation over a cup of tea. In addition to that, Bella, who is obsessed with him and the position she holds in his eyes, tends to overreact to those “omissions”, getting convinced he ‘never truly valued her’ and he’s going to ‘kick her out any day now’. 

However, let us take a moment to note the day that Bella deeply hurt Voldemort: the night of her betrothal to Rodolphus, when Voldemort proposed marriage and Bella turned him down for reasons that, in retrospect, she finds ridiculous. 

So in a way, you could say that of the two, Voldemort is the brokenhearted one, even if it’s Bella who cries herself to sleep from time to time. 

who is emotionally stronger?

They’re both incredibly strong people. 

Voldemort pulled himself out of the gutter, basically raised himself and became one of the most powerful and learned wizards ever.

Bella survived fucking Azkaban, which is code for severe depression in HP-land, so all I can do is salute her and ask for her secrets. 

The answer is a little tricky, in the sense that Voldemort appears to be a psychopath, medically speaking, who are... resilient people emotionally, if you will. This means that an event that would have had a massive effect on a neurotypical person, say witnessing a murder or war, to him it’s very blunted or even irrelevant. This description is very vague and generalising, but it’s supported by a lot of evidence. In fact, psychopaths can’t really feel fear, because their amygdala is the size of a pea, so it’s not fair comparing his emotional strength to others. In fact, I’d add that since he’s not used to “negative emotions” like sadness and fear, if they happen, they’d be more devastating to him, because he’s never learnt to cope with them, like the rest of us do. 

Bella obviously has her own emotional/psychiatric problems, but I don’t feel comfortable making guesses, since I’m not a psychiatrist and she’s no textbook description of any personality disorder I’ve heard. However, she got an interestng upbringing, that trained her to be a person of importance. So I’d say that even after Azkaban and with whatever issues she has, she can still hold her own in a very difficult emotional situation. 

I realise I haven’t answered the question, because honestly Idk. Also, take with a grain of salt anything psychiatry-related I said, I’m no expert, merely done some research, which I’m regurgitating here. 

who is physically stronger?

Naturally, Bella. She trains a lot, does ballet (which is fucking hardcore, let me tell you), enjoys physical activities and martial arts. 

However, after Voldemort’s transformation, he’s got many of his physical attributes improved, like the cat-eyes that allow him to see in the dark and so on (been reading a lot of the Witcher series as of recent so there’s that too), so he’s deceptively strong and yes, eventually stronger than her.who is more likely to break a bone? 

Bella, 100% XD She’s in battle all the time, and when taking part in Voldemort’s magical research (which is their day-job, world domination is a weekend hobby in case you haven’t noticed) her motto is ‘safety third’. 

An interesting point tho. Psychopaths have no fear and low-impulse control if they don’t train themselves. Fear is useful, informs us of danger ahead, so I HC that young Tom/Voldemort broke almost every bone in his body at some point doing something really dangerous simply because he didnt realise it’s stupid - like, say, go down a fucking cliff with waves crushing at it. Now he’s learnt to control those impulses and polices himself when it comes to danger, so no more broken bones. who knows best what to say to upset the other? 

They’re both excellent at judging characters and have tongues that sting. Bella will rarely truly dare upset Voldemort, but she does love torturing him a little with  something silly and not-truly important, like refusing sex, or messing with his OCD by taking stuff from “their proper place”. She knows that there’s only few things that tick him off: his loss of power to an infant, death and the abandonment from his mother. And she’s not that sadistic to bring up that last one unless absolutely provoked. 

Voldemort can be a tease as well, but he’s too mature and dignified for such childish behaviour most of the time. who is most likely to apologise first after an argument?

 Bella apologises compulsively out of fear she’s lost him even for things that aren’t her fault, tho in her mind they might be. However, she’s stubborn too, so if it’s a petty argument she might not apologise at all. Shes a spoilt little rich girl after all ;)

Voldemort’s never apologised in his life and never shall say the words, but he will change his behaviour if he realises he’s been wrong, because it’s the rational thing to do- also Bella is supersexy when she’s angry, so he wants to fuck her and he needs to her to be accepting to that. who treats who’s wounds more often? 

Voldemort treats Bella’s wounds more often by default, since she’s the one out in the battlefield more often, and also can be clumsy and absentminded. And very rarely *trigger alert* she might self-harm. 

Voldemort not only gets hurt rarely, but he also views it demeaning to accept help, so he won’t even mention it if he’s hurt. Bella will find out by accident or because he’s in so much pain he can’t hide it anymore, and with scold him first, he’ll storm off, she’ll hunt him down, they’ll argue and finally she’ll heal his wounds (usually his back which hurts because he’s Tall^TM) and he’ll act like a literal cat during this, touch-starved as he is. who is in constant need of comfort? 

Right after Azkaban Bella is in need of a lot of care and comfort, understandably. Her physical and emotional problems are their reality for many months after her escape, but the physical ones mend themselves relatively quickly. She’s forever changed emotionally, again understandably, but I wouldn’t say she’s in *constant* need of comfort. In an AU where they win, she’s perfectly functional as his right hand woman and partner, with only the occasional problem. 

Voldemort needs to get through his tough, bald head that he deserves love and comfort like everyone else, but he’ll never get it, so, in the whole, it’s him I’d say. who gets more jealous? 

Interesting question, because fandom’s given so many answers relating to those characters, especially since Bella is married. Starting with this piece of solid information, I’d hazard a guess that Voldemort doesn���t care that much that Bella also sleeps with her husband from time to time - maybe it even turns him on and strokes his ego that she doesnt get all she needs from her legitimate, pureblooded husband. How he’d react if she slept with a random bloke... probably badly; tho I cant think of a situation where that’d happen. My Bella at least, doesnt sleep around. She might tease with her sex, but she’s a well-bred lady after all, who does what is expected of her. 

Voldemort, I HC, used to be a bit of a whoremonger in his youth; good looks, mummy issues and no emotional attachment are the ingredients for that particular potion. Also he might have also been overcompensating for the fact that he was unable to marry the only women he found worthy of him: his pureblooded classmates. So he’d show up with a different, gorgeous girl at parties, which drove child!Bella crazy with jealousy, since she was still out of the healthy sexual attraction part for him and never thought he’d notice her. She’d stalk him behind curtains and through keyholes, keep her ears on alert for when the adults talked about him etc. Poor thing was really tortured by it. But now that they’re adults and, well, in a relationship, she’s far too confident to think he’d seriously care for another woman; after all, half the time she’s not sure he truly cares about her, and she’s the person who’s been closest to him. 

One thing I forgot to mention about Voldemort’s jealousy, or lack thereof, is that Bella has certain emotional needs that he cannot serve, and I’m not talking about tenderness, because to some degree he can give her that, and it’s not the same with her husband anyway. No, I mean that Bella is a sexual sadist, who gets direct sexual pleasure by hurting people. Voldemort on the other hand, is not a masochist. Not that when they have rough sex/BDSM sex he’s never in a sub position, but he’d never just sit there to be whipped or something, it just doesn’t turn him on, and that’s totally fine. So they may invite a girl (and very rarely a boy) to join them, so that Bella can get it out of her system if the war is slow/over. Don’t ask where these people end up, just don’t hang your coat in the second floor closet is all I’m saying. who’s most likely to walk out on the other? 

Depends on the situation? 

Bella would NEVER abandon Voldemort in battle or for the Cause. In a Muggle setting though, if he pissed her off she’d totally walk out of the restaurant :P 

Voldemort would never walk out on Bella either, tho, would he? He’s devoted to her, plus he does feel like he owes her after Azkaban. 

The only concept I can imagine relevant to this is Voldemort saying something in his anger that he doesnt exactly mean tho it holds some truth in it, that hurts Bella so deeply, that she leaves, both out of spite but also because she thinks it’s the best for him. In fact, I have a very specific HC for this which takes place in the afterlife, after they;re both killed in the battle for Hogwarts, but there’s no time for that here. 

There’s also another thing, but it’d quite controversial. If you, like me, HC that Bella started training with Voldemort since she was a child, and entered a sexual and later romantic relationship with him while still underage, this means that she literally hasn’t been alone as an individual, ever. So there’s also the chance that she, after they’ve had a huge fight and he’s terrible with her, leaves so she can find who she is without him. *cue the tears*who will propose? 

Voldemort did propose, on the night of Bella’s formal betrothal. Very rude and uncourteous of him, yes, but it had to be the last minute for him to realise his feelings, because he only has one (1) brain cell that works part-time on the Emotions Department of his brain. She turned him down, because she was young, immature, didnt realise how deep her own feelings were (she believed what her mother told her, that ‘all girls fall for Riddle, it’s an infatuation, it will pass’), wanted the power, fame, money and public adoration that her position as the Black Heir brought, not to mention that she was loyal to her family and terrified since Andromeda had just eloped with Ted. So she broke his heart then, even if neither realised it. But they did continue with their affair, because that’s how it happened in the olden days if you had money and space. 

After the war is over, neither proposes. They talk about it as a given (Rodolphus has fucked off to study penguins in Antarctica) and only need to figure out the details: how public it will be, who’s invited, what titles the ceremony gives them and so on.  who has the most difficult parents?

Spoiler alert: Voldemort’s an orphan! 

Okay, so hypothetically speaking, had any of his parents survived and raised him one way or the other, they’d for sure be a handful. Tom Sr. is a posh bloke used to getting his own way and being considered special due to his status as a squire, so he’d be fucking pissed if he were introduced to a world where he’s not all the shit. Nonetheless, I’d hazard a guess that in the end he, Bella and her parents would get along well-enough; after all they’re the same sort of people. 

Merope, on the other hand, is a whole other story. In the most sensible AU, where she survives giving birth and raises her son but they’re still poor and she’s got trouble with magic due to the trauma of Tom Sr. leaving her, I think she wouldn’t like Bella at all actually. Because Bella is all she ever wanted to be: beautiful, wealthy, well-bred and shows it, and, most importantly, emotionally strong. So she pesters Tom all the time about how Bella is not ‘feminine enough’ in her behaviour, too outspoken, too bitchy, not for ‘her boy’. Tom/Voldemort gives exactly one shit about her opinion and moves on. 

In the canon universe, it’d be naive to say that Bella’s parents were into Tom, simply due to his blood status. In the longrun, however, I think they'd come to terms with it, and they remember how brilliant and ambitious he was in school, so when he becomes successful in life, whether in-universe as Voldemort, or Minister or whatever in an AU, they’re sort of okay with it. Idk if they hand over the Heir of Blacks title to Bella tho, their kids wouldn’t be pureblooded after all. who initiates hand-holding when they’re out in public? 

No one. Not allowed. Not happening. Ever. It’s not their thing, anyway. Voldemort will offer her his arm, like a gentleman, tho. :)

who hogs the blankets? 

Bella, especially after Azkaban. She sleeps with five blankets piled on top of her, has the fireplace going all year round and puts a warmth charm on the sheets. Voldemort doesn’t care. He experienced such cold temperatures in so little clothing as a child, that hot and cold make little impression on him; he even takes cold showers because it’s all the same to him. *sobs* who gets more sad? 

Bella. She overthinks everything. Did she disappoint him today? Yesterday? Tomorrow? Will she ever be the person she was before prison? Why does Cissy wince every time she sees her? Should she have had children after all? These and all sorts of thoughts race through her mind all the time, torturing her to no end. 

Interestingly enough, psychopaths in general dont get that sad, but Voldemort can be very... pensive. who is better at cheering the other up? 

Bella has a wicked sense of humor that only Voldemort seems to find hilarious (comments from other people include ‘disturbing’, ‘scary’ and ‘morbid’), and even though he’s rarely sad, he can be very very serious and in need to relax his body and mind. 

Still, Voldemort, the eternal student of human nature that he is, if he does notice that Bella is sad (which isn’t always because he’s... you know), knows exactly how to distract her, just like he can do with any other person. Just, in her case, it’s sincere. who’s the one that playfully slaps the other all the time after they make silly jokes?

No one ever hits anyone. Voldemort’s been beaten and whipped and flogged enough as a young boy that he wouldn’t do it to the only person he cares about in a non-sexy way, and Bella’s been raised to view such things as ‘Muggle animalistic violence’. She might bite him hard for fun, tho :Dwho is more streetwise?

This may come as a surprise to you because of my username, but Voldemort grew up on the streets in a  Dickensian world. He knows all the tricks in the book; in fact he created many of them. Bella begged him to take her along in his travels incognito, and not on these formal things she attends with her family, and he did, so she’s learnt a lot, but she’s very much a pampered princess. who is more wise?

Hmmm... Hard to say. They have their areas of wisdom and their areas of not-having-a-fucking-clue. Bella, for example, understands emotions better than Voldemort, because she actually experiences them. Jk, jk, but you get what I mean. She’s also more knowledgeable in certain magical things, that, for example, not all prophecies have to be fulfilled and that there’s so much magic that it’s pointless to wish to acquire *everything*; had Voldemort listened to her more often, the books would have been very different. 

Voldemort of course is much older and has more diverse life-experience. He’s also less impulsive in his older years than Bella; he can be the voice of rationality and reason if he’s not superobsessed with something; at which point Bella should remind him to take his meds, because they really do help with fixations. who’s the shyest? 

Neither, in the strict sense of the meaning. They both know what they want and they’re not afraid to demand it. In the end, it’s Voldemort who’ll never say what he truly needs and feels, though, speaking about their everyday life together, it’d be Bella who’d rather have more affection from him but is too shy to ask. But yeah, Voldemort, not because he’s shy per se, but rather in deep hurt and denial. who boasts about the other more? 

In the books it’s obvious that it’s Bella. However, Voldemort does this hilarious thing where he praises Bella in random conversation with other people without even noticing; like, he brings her up every ten seconds even if she’s barely relevant to the subject, so *shrugs* have your pick. who sits on who’s lap?

Nobody, because they’re both tall. Bella will straddle him even in a non sexual manner from time to time, and they often spend their evenings relaxing on the same sofa: Bella will put her legs on Voldemort’s lap and he strokes them absentmindedly (after all they’re superlong and soft and hot), and Voldemort, who refuses to nap in bed, might catch a nap with his head on her lap. The reason Bella doesn’t nap with her head on his lap is because he’s very thin and his femurs hurt her skull, when she’s got plenty of skirts and petticoats cushioning Voldemort. Finally, Bella often sleeps with her head on his chest, because his heart-beat, even tho abnormally slow, relaxes her panic attacks, after Azkaban that is. He will then stroke her hair compulsively - it’s a bit of a fixation of his.

Well,what a ride! Thanks again @knightessofwalpurgis for the ask, this was tremendous fun to write, especially after a very difficult month! And it did help put some of my thoughts on those evil babies in a row. Hope you found it entertaining! I get that those types of asks are usually made for monolectic answers, but yeah, explanations are better. If you made it to the end, dear reader, thank you very much for your time! 

[softforcal]

hiii<3 I just wanted to ask (if that's okay), do you have a specific writing process? Like how do you organize your ideas and headcanons? And like, if you pants your stories or you prefer outlines? Oh, and what are the biggest motivators that help you get to the end of a story? aaall the questions, basically lol, sorry<3 i love your blog, blondie!!

hello! these types of questions are great don’t worry! everyones different but yeah, let me tell you about my writing process :) (this is a long ass writing rant and hopefully it’s helpful)

so for headcanons tbh, i just write them. like. i sit down and write it all in one go and tbh not much thought goes into them there isnt really a plot it’s just notes practically so headcanons for me are not difficult at all. fics/oneshots are where things actually heat up.

so for my fics i do note form outlines. what this means is i have all the major things that have to happen already lined out. i put it on a word doc on half my screen and the fic on the other and there’s no plan on how to get to each note point but i know i have to get there somehow, but having basic goals makes it easier for me.

when it comes to fics there’s usually a brainstorming process. i have two wonderful amazing loves of my absolute life @hereforlukescruff and @glitterprincelu and usually it will start with me saying an idea and we all just kind of start shooting ideas and bouncing off of each other. this process can take hours. like. i remember when i came up with gang luke (penumbra) i was in class and we ended up chatting about it for 3 hours and coming up with shit. when the main brainstorm is done i plot it all out. i have a few ocd tendencies, one of which is linear stuff means a lot to me. like i can’t start a fic at the end. i need to start at the start. so i’ll plan as much as i can but sometimes i stop at the middle and i re-evaluate once i get there and have a better sense as to where the story is going.

for me, characters are huge. like. i have the plot points but characters drive everything else. so i’ll often have a sit down and reevaluate what has happened to them and how they’re feeling and see if it’s all making sense for them, but, because i brainstorm a lot, usually i don’t end up changing much. strong characters are key my dudes. 

my biggest motivator to get to the end of the story is well, the characters. i love them so much and writing for them feels so comforting to me. LOVE YOUR CHARACTERS. but also. something ya’ll gotta understand about me is that i’ve been writing fan fiction for 8 years. i’ve probably spent an average of 2 hours a day (and that’s seriously low balling it) so thats 2x365=730x8=5840 hours that i’ve written and that’s probably too low to be accurate. so i’m a writer. i type fast as fuck and i’ve been doing this a while so writing comes very easy to me, ideas are constantly flowing. this is legit what im pursuing as a job so don’t be discouraged if you can’t write 10k in a day like I do because... well, i’ve had a fuck ton of practice. writing 10k in a day is pretty common for me i’d say, once i sit down with a oneshot i don’t want to leave until it’s done.

but. i also again, have a bit of an ocd thing and when it’s paired with anxiety, it makes it hard for me to stop. i need to get things done. to check stuff off my list. or i get bored. if i leave a fic for even a day or two, it’s likely i’m not gonna finish it. so for me, and i know this, its important to wait until i have a sufficient amount of time to bust something out and a plan makes it so easy because i don’t have to stop and ask myself “okay now what”

what more can i say about writing.... uh... characters. so important. dialogue. key. 

like i’ll start a fic with a general idea about an OC but as the fic continues they grow and i really enjoy watching them grow. i think a good rule of thumb if you’re having troubles with this is immerse the story view point in the most solid character you have (i’ll give an example of this in a moment) and use their perspective and musings on a different character, like what they notice, to promote growth.

example of what i mean when i say this. i recently wrote prince cal and from the start, he was my strong character. Ostara was new, she’s ashton’s sister, she’s back for the first time in a while. the very first paragraph establishes that calum is taken aback by how much she’s changed. there’s still some similarities to how she was growing up and i weave that comfort of the known throughout the story (with things like chicken fights in the pool or musing about how they used to play hide and seek as kids) but from the start, Calum is knocked off his feet by how beautiful she’s gotten and that’s a very obvious symbol of change, not just outside but in. so as the fic continues calum notices things about ostara. for example. the second time i wrote she was wearing a print of some sort, calum and i both mutually realized, ‘huh. she likes prints i guess.’ because ostara is ostara, i dont control her, in my brain she’s her own person, she’s dictating whats happening and baby just likes prints. and calum notices which says something about him, but its also little details like that that bring these characters to life. 

i mean. i don’t know how other people write characters. my characters are always alive to me. they have their own voice and knowing their reaction to things is second nature to me. but this can be attributed to the fact that i legit wrote fan fiction about actual characters (MCU, TVD, Teen Wolf, etc...) for 6 years and being able to step into those characters and do dialogue that seemed legit was the most important thing for me. so i have a FUCK TON of experience on characters. so once again, if its hard for you to step into your characters thats okay. maybe do those things where you have a fill in the blank sheet on whats their fav food, their fav colour, do they like summer or winter? etc....

i think there isnt one way to write. i think i’m blessed that i’ve ALWAYS been a writer. since i was like 4. you know in elementary when they made you write and they’d give you those little booklets and shit? other kids had like one or two at most but this whore was always on book number 6 or 7 like, im a writer. it’s what i am. it always has been what i am. 

im also a multitasker. so most of my writing is done while watching shows. which means its a double whammy for me. like. im learning about characters and plot WHILE writing so... as you can see, i’m hard core as fuck about this shit. 

my point is. my process is a process that i think is pretty particular to me. most people i know cant watch tv and write at the same time. most people don’t sit down and bust out 10k in one sitting. and thats fine. if you enjoy writing then do it. focus on what you can be doing better, this isnt a competition. at the end of the day, the only person you should be trying to be better than is the person you were yesterday, or last week, you know?

find people who are creatively inclined because holy shit it makes a huge difference. bouncing ideas off of supportive people is really important. without my friends, Birdie in Penumbra might be named Cherry, the Gang AU wouldn’t have an ending all planned out and ready to be written, and i would have missed out on so many hours of face time calls and back and fourth messages with two of the most important people in my life right now. 

so lets break down what the fuck i’m even saying

-find supportive people (but it’s important you support them as well. if they’re gonna let you throw ideas at them and help you out and pump you up, reciprocate hoe)

-focus on yourself 

-find what you’re good at. plots? characters? dialogue?

-find ways to strengthen the things you’re not so good at (character fill in sheets, plot planning, etc...)

-find what, at the end of the day, really works for you

-don’t put pressure on yourself. writing is for fun. it should be fun. and if it is fun, i think motivation will come easy? but i could be wrong, once again, i have an addictive personality and writing is a fix i need every day or i go insane. 

yeah. if ya’ll have any more writing questions let me know. i love answering these because i think it’s so interesting to really look at the process :) 

[deepdownunderthewater]

I hope you talk to me again soon. I never stopped trying to figure things out. I never was trying to say it’s all your fault. I stopped saying that you shouldn’t tell me to get help. I’ve been getting help or at least trying.

Mom thinks I have OCD. Idk but maybe that would explain a lot. Why I feel like my thoughts aren’t my own a lot. Why I have to walk specific paths. My double tap. My constant need to fix the screw as I walk through the work doors. Why I think about every single action I make and how I appear to others around simultaneously every second that I think someone can see me.

I think my brain has exploded though and I needed more than you were willing to provide for me. I tried to make the choices I thought you were wanting me to do. You told me that me just constantly being sad made you want to be around me so I took that as I couldn’t talk about my problems and anxieties around you because then you wouldn’t want to be near me. I do understand that it isn’t what you said and I am sorry. I’m hoping you maybe understand where I’m coming from with getting to that conclusion as well. I just thought I was making the choices you wanted me to make. I’m not a manipulative person… I know mental illness isn’t an excuse but genuinely my body doesn’t feel like my own half the time.

I have changed. I’m not the same person from December 2021. I know you were mad at me and frustrated, but we both know I’m not. I do things for me constantly. I don’t let people’s thought affect my choices. I tried to date you because I wanted to. I asked to see you becuase I wanted to. I tried to take care of you because I wanted to. I didn’t wNt to have all those meltdowns. I try my absolute hardest to control these awful feelings and thoughts I get but tbh I can’t. I kept sending the messages and then deleting them because I simply couldn’t put the anxiety away but I thought it would be best if both worlds. I could get it out and take it away before you saw it.

After Pinegrove and after Eli moved in you didn’t really make any time for me. I know you were busy and had a lot of stuff to deal with but in my brain as far as I knew you were just distancing yourself from me while my entire world fell apart and I was so physically sick and needed someone there. I was the most out of control of my own person I have ever felt. Like I disassociates through weeks. I cant even begin to remember any of it to be perfectly honest. I’m sure I was hard to deal with then on top of all your other issues but you just shut yourself off from me after that. You stopped calling and telling me things. Telling me that you weren’t going to just text me all the time and that I needed to be my own person. I was already my own person at that point but everything I valued was  disintegrating around me and my mental and physical health was failing. I went three whole weeks without doing my t shot. I have never ever gone that long before.

I was having nightmares all the time and the daily panic attacks were starting to happen. You talked to me less and then I was alone. I know why you distanced and I understand but anxiety is uncontrollable currently and no matter what I do right now I can’t fix it and I swear I’m trying. I know it ducks up all my relationships. I’m doing my best.

I’m sorry I’m fucked. I’m sorry I’m angry. I’m sorry I can’t get better but I’ve never stopped trying. I wish you would take back your anger at me and see me. we did have multiple conversations though before where I asked you to communicate better with me. You said you knew you needed to work on it and you would, but you never did. That’s why I felt like you didn’t care. You were just shutting me out while everything collapsed. So yeah.. I did really need reassurance from you, and after what you said while you were high. That shit set my heart on fire. I felt such immense pain in my chest. All I’ve ever wanted is for you to just love me.

I do think we are in opposites places. Last year you were constantly needing not feeling well or the rats. It was just constant and then my depression hit and I spent more time distant from you. Then you blew up on me because I went and saw Encanto with kathryn. You were jealous of all the time I spent with Kathryn. You needed me and I needed to be alone to feel good. Now I needed you and you needed to be not with me to feel good. It’s the same thing except this time you’ve closed the door so I’m just going to be here waiting for you.

I’m working on me. I hope that when we cross paths again we will find that spark of love and truly feel happiness with each other. I’ve never wanted a life with someone this badly before. I would wait an eternity for you.

[Image ID: a leaf with a transparent background. on the leaf in black text are the words "no one loves me for long." /End ID]

click for quality

[purpleskiesandpaperflowers]

So I saw a post on Instagram and made this post on my story about it. It's ironic because just before I saw the post two of my colleagues were using OCD as an adjective rather than the mental disorder it is. " oh our old manager was so OCD everything had to be perfect for him" "oh I'm really OCD with the cleaning I even carry my Dettol spray everywhere!"

Then theres me being the least organised (which is actually where my OCD bites me in the ass because I'm usually so disorganised that I cannot convince myself otherwise so I feel that if I dont triple quadruple check things then I might forget then you know I might die because of that ) person in the room who is often pretty messy - a walking disaster or as one of my colleagues once called me - a toothbrush in a flower pot. So obviously I look a bit of an idiot intersecting with "well I'm actually diagnosed with OCD"

Follow awkward silence followed by "oh my God are you actually?!"

It's like neurotypicals think OCD is some sort of joke! OCD Is not an adjective and is absolutely fuck all to do with "how tidy you are"

It's an obsessive desire to daydream feeling that you must plan every little detail in it just to feel ok. Wishing you could forget about real life and dedicate everything to your inner world.

It can be spending so long vacuuming one spot of the property I work in because if theres one crumb on the floor someone might shout at me and because I'm neuro diverse and I take criticism to the extreme in my mind that's a big deal and causes me an intense amount of anxiety.

It's also having a massive panic attack at school once because your phone ran out of charge and your mum was late to pick you up from school so from every day forward you feel you must never let your phone run out of charge and you must always have it with you because bad things happen when you dont.

The fact that I prefer to have a toothbrush cover on my toothbrush so it doesn't get germs on it in the bathroom is not really OCD, it doesn't take over my life, that's just common hygiene.

The fact that when someone has been sick I feel the need to clean and wash my hands until they bleed IS my OCD because it then takes over my life.

Probably the darkest obsessive and intrusive thoughts come from things like "what If when I go swimming I see a child in their bathing suit and that makes me a pedophile?" "What if I lost all impulse control and somehow killed my dad?" Those are the thoughts that they dont tell you about when you learn about OCD. Nobody really talks about the dark intrusive thoughts that make you question yourself and your morals even when you know damn well that you're definitely not a pedophile or a murderer. They're the thoughts that even I am ashamed of having but then again it's not like this disorder is within my control.

That's the thing neurotypicals seem to think that OCD is all about being organised and having control, when really it's the complete opposite , it takes over every inch of your mind, all of your thoughts , there is no control, you become a slave to your own mind.

It just hurts when people use OCD as an adjective to describe their level of cleanliness when they actually have no fucking idea what OCD is and the torture it causes.

Let's clarify IT DOES NOT STAND FOR OBSESSIVE CLEANING DISORDER !!!!! that's something that really grinds my gears let's give you a bit of high school psychology lessons if you're shallow enough to believe that that is what OCD Stands for.

OCD actually stands for Obsessive Compulsive disorder.

The main components are in the name Obsessions and compulsions. OCD is actually an umbrella term for many disorders that come under the OCD diagnosis such as Trichotillomania , Dermotillomania and even Maladaptive Daydreaming Disorder although some maladaptive daydreamers reject this because they dont see the daydreaming as an issue and they dont feel like it controls their life. Cant say I relate but fair play to those people.

Obsessions are the thing you worry about when you have OCD and the potential consequences you feel will happen if you do not perform a ritual or task (a compulsion) intrusive thoughts are a kind of obsession.

A compulsion as I said is a ritual , task or action that someone with OCD feels they have to complete in order to avoid something bad happening. This lessens anxiety for a short period of time but with OCD this becomes out of control and takes over a person's life

Compulsions can include but are not limited to : cleaning , hand washing, hair pulling, skin picking , counting, moving in a certain way , avoiding certain things and saying something a certain number of times.

All I'm asking is to PLEASE think twice before using OCD as an adjective or making a joke about it , particularly if you are not diagnosed with OCD. by all means if you feel like you have obsessions and compulsions that take over your life then seek out a professional diagnosis and try some self help things. I'm not against self diagnosis I'm just against the fact that such a debilitating mental health problem is very often treated as a joke.

If you have OCD then you understand just how invalidating that is and I'm in complete solidarity with you and I'm so sorry if you've been made to feel invalid or like your illness is a joke.

[detrimentum-termentum]

i need to rediscover who i am. i seem to have lost it somewhere along the way. deep down, i think living on my own and spending a few days totally alone will do me more good than bad. i really need to focus on myself right now, because - quoting RuPaul - how the hell am i gonna love somebody else ?

i’m stubborn as fuck. i don’t like admitting i’m wrong. i don’t like having nothing to say about a discussed subject, so i often pretend that i do know things and make them up. i’m a romantic at heart but a bitch on the outside. but when you get to know me and i start caring about you, you will have the most loyal ally you could ever dream of (it is probably accurate, i heard it about me 3 times in my life). i can’t shut up if someone is voicing completely inaccurate opinions about something, though i wish i could, it drives people away. i’m lazy but constantly restless all the time, i have OCD. I love making up scenarios in my head involving my favourite people, favourite fictional characters etc. and once in my life i legitimately thought i could be a writer. i once thought i could be a musician, too. i sometimes feel this overwhelming surge of emotion coming through me and i cant name what it is, but it’s almost certainly positive. i’m hopeless about feelings. i can’t identify my own, and thus i really, really can’t identify other people’s. i know i got a problem with this. i’m not a sociopath though, just not a very sympathetic person i guess. i love music. i often feel the need to have a tv on all the time, in the background, it reassures me. i guess it feels like home somehow. i think i am not really worthy of having this ideal, perfect relationship that i secretly crave (i’m a romantic, like a said). i don’t actually have control over my life, all of it sort of happens and i often feel like i’m watching the events from a safe distance (of my mind). i’m mentally ill, but i try to cope. i’m not suicidal, i’ve not been suicidal in a long, long time. i’m not straight, i’m not gay, i’m not bi, i just like certain people, i don’t like labels much. i’m not tough, i’m soft. i appear tough sometimes, i have to. if i shown how soft i really am, people would crush me. i’m very, very breakable. i like feeling sorry for myself, it’s easy. i like to feel useful. i like creating perfect little lives in the sims to protect myself from dealing with my own, not so perfect existence. i like words, though i don’t really know how to use them well, especially when talking to people about my feelings. as a result, i really don’t like talking about my feelings, and often i feel like they’re not valid. although i know they are, all the feelings and all the people are valid, to themselves and to people who care about them. i loathe excersising and it shows. i have moments when i’m comfortable in my body. i had an eating disorder a few years ago and sometimes, at night, i wish i could be as skinny as i was back then, but not really, not at that price. i know i’m not really healthy, but then, who is? this was supposed to be cathartic and sort of helpful in putting all those little pieces of who i am an  bringing them together again. i can’t be somebody i’m not, i don’t want to be somebody else. i want “me” to be as good, as worthy as anybody else in the world. 

[waynonna]

I'm not sure but I think I might have BPD, until I can talk to my doctor about it do you have any advice on how I might have a clearer understanding whether or not I do have it, like smaller symptoms, tells, etc. Thank you

hey anon! this is quite a lot, but i hope it helps

ok so, i know some people say “oh, just google” but tbh i dont trust google for this because

1. most stuff you’ll find are related to “how to deal with a borderline relative/partner/friend” and not enough about how to make the people with bpd feel better and

2. most articles and stuff talk about the major symptoms, but not everybody experiences the same thing, and some people have a milder disorder than others. as for the smaller symptoms, it’s harder to find stuff on

tbh when i started looking up bpd (in august last year) before talking about it with my doctor, i was really frustrated, cuz not only did those make me feel bad and abusive, but they didn’t give me information.

what helped me a lot was really trying to pay attention to my emotions, my mood changes. because a lot of doctors get bpd mixed up with bipolar disorder, it’s good for us to evaluate this too. one thing that i was told that’s different between both is that in bipolar disorder the mood changes can last for days, while in bpd they’re usually (but not always) in small intervals. sometimes it even lasts for a few minutes. 

one thing that might really help not only with anger/sadness/etc relief, but also with understanding those symptoms is writing a journal. doesn’t even need to be anything extensive, just something small about what youre feeling will help. and then when you gather all of that, you can analyse it.

now, as i said bpd is often different for different people. what i’m mentioning is mostly my own experience and what signs helped me realize i have bpd and talk to my doctor about it:

- an intense fear of being abandoned. i have a really big history of going into really deep depression after a breakup, being it romantic or not. any thought of being alone completely breaks me. which brings me to the jealousy. in my case, it isnt really a vengeful kind of jealousy, but more sad and angry, because that person who i idolize “is leaving me” or at least that’s what it looks like to me. that reminds me of when i was 16, and idolized my math teacher. she was helping me through my depression and ocd, and was amazing. then every single time i would see her talking to another student i would get really upset, have panic attacks, cry, and just want to interfere and stop it. i didnt know why, but somehow i had to be the only one she liked. once a friend of mine was talking to her about me and i had a major episode, because i Had to know if she was talking shit about me i just Had To.

- i tend to abandon everyone else, unconsciously, whenever i idolize someone. usually everything i do or want to do is related to that person. but then out of nowhere they make me hate them for a day or so, and then i love them again.

- impulsive behavior is a really big sign too. in my case, it was never anything like spending too much money, eating too much, having lots of sex, etc. mine were always unnoticed by me, actually, until i started thinking about it. since i was a kid, i always started a sport, dance, any class, and would drop after a month or so. ive tried literally everything the school had to offer, and every time it would get less exciting or id get sad, id drop it. when i was 10, i was attending an english language course, and we had an exam after just a week of classes. within a minute of the start of the exam, i started crying and asking to leave. the coordinator came and talked to me, telling me it would be ok to do it, but i didnt care. so i cried so much they had to call my mom. and i dropped it. now, in 2015, i started an architecture program at uni. it was fine at first, but then i had a major breakdown due to a person, and i decided to drop everything. so no more architecture. then i tried engineering. 1 month, something happened, i had a suicide attempt, ended up at the hospital, dropped the program. so pay attention to these behaviors, even if they seem normal to you. mine seemed like it because i justified it saying that i was just looking for “my calling”, but nothing would ever be that calling, because i wouldnt let it.

- overwhelming emotions, everything being exaggerated. always black or white, never gray. it you love it, you idolize it. if you dislike it, you hate it with everything in you. not only with people and things, but also ideas. and you cant understand neutrality. when someone is neutral with you, even if not being negative, it is like an insult anyway, and you lose it. and these are emotions that are terribly hard to control. you want to control them, but you cant. you try, but it’s never enough. and no one understands why youre freaking out over something as simple as dropping your ice cream, or getting your hair wet. small things like these have an enormous effect on people with bpd. and people always say “youre overreacting!” but honestly, not really. we feel that way. it may not be a big deal to them, but to us it feels like a stake to the heart.

- but also feelings of numbness. it took me a long time to realize i have this, because i honestly thought it was normal, everybody had it. and for a while related it to being sad (maybe theres 2 types of sad, feeling too more and not at all?). i usually describe it as feeling like im in a movie, like i know people and things are there and i can see and touch them, but i cant feel them. like im putting my hands in ice cold water, and i know its cold but i cant feel the cold. like i know the world exists but does it really? most of the time, when im not dissociating, i dont even remember what it feels like, because it feels like nothing.

- trouble expressing feelings and thoughts. idk if many people have this, but i have it quite often. somehow i cant put to words what is really going on with me and even when i do, people dont usually understand it.

- indecisiveness. seriously, i cant even decide what underwear to wear. i say i cant, because it’s not like i don’t want to, it just takes the whole of me to make a decision. whether it is a big one (lately ive been struggling with deciding where to go for my exchange program) or a small one (what to eat for dinner), it’s always a huge fight in my head, and most times it expresses itself in terrible ways. every time im faced with a choice, i end up crying, panicking, and most times decide to give up and not choose anything at all. sometimes i cant even choose to give up, i just lay there crying and screaming and hating everything. it’s a nightmare.

- a lot of anger when things dont go as expected, or when feeling abandoned, as well as extreme fear, and not being able to trust easily. but a lot of times being very kind too.

im trying to think of something else but dont really remember rn. these are the most important symptoms for me though, and what made me realize i have it. but really, if possible, write a journal, write things you feel, bad or good, anything can be useful.

you can also learn more about it and/or find some good helpful stuff here, here, here, here, here, here and here

[itsyybitsyyspersonalthoughts]

Journal Entry #3

After this ramble I will make an organized chart of experiences, and social upbringing and genetic traits to dissect and put together reasons why I act the way I do. Just to narrow down and try to attempt to find out if what I feel is a mental disorder or due to upbringing. 

You know, I sometimes try to tell myself there is nothing wrong with me. That I am completely normal and all I am experiencing is  normal. I sometimes think am I really feeling this way or am I just acting this way. I over analyze my thoughts and actions. There are people with more crippling conditions than me. 

Maybe I dismiss criticalness of my emotions because I haven’t been properly diagnosed so I cant truly believe that what I am experiencing isn’t normal. Is this the control aspect of me taking over? My NEED to know if what I am feeling is abnormal? Do I have an increased desire to need to know what is normal and what isn’t because I am an only child and didn’t have much guidance about what is normal and what isn’t or have any friends to compare and talk about what is normal or not. Do I really have OCD? Does this affect me by increasing my risk for developing an eating disorder? Do I truly have an eating disorder? I have never been officially diagnosed with anything. It has always been mentioned but I don’t know I haven’t been told directly. I need to have someone be clear with me. I don’t like it when people are not specific. Ambiguity is not my favorite thing in the world. Is it because I have low comprehension? Is my low intelligence due to my father/genetics? Maybe I’m not meant to continue education its like a genetic cast system. By this I mean my genetic traits have determined what I will amount to, rather than the social influence of one who lives in a cast system.

 But back to my intelligence, I truly believe I am mentally disabled in the way of having an impaired cognitive function or even motor disfunction. I can’t make my body move in the way I wan’t it to fast enough. Am I just uncoordinated? My mother said Momo is like that too. This only brings more agony to me because I feel trapped in my body. I cannot express movement, emotion, sound effectively and everything feels bottled up. I don’t have a social outlet. I don’t fit in with my age group. I don’t understand them. 

When I was younger there was always such a huge age gab between me and my family. I couldn’t sit with my mom and listen in on adult conversations and I was either ten years older or ten years younger than my cousins.

My evidence:

with cello- I was never able to express how I thought a piece should sound through my instrument. It made me so frustrated. 

high school gym- my teacher had me stay late after class with another girl (my friend) to participate in a study regarding the performance abnormalities. My friend was asked to swim a certain stroke, but before she did she was asked to explain what she was going to do, do it and then explain what she did when she returned. I had to do the same thing but a different stroke, but she had my friend leave and get changed because we were already being held behind. 

However, I am becoming frustrated with myself because I have these thoughts all day it takes over and I feel like it is taking over. I can’t concentrate in class. I am always thinking about calories. I body check several times a day. I plan my day around how many calories I will burn and consume. I park farther away from class and the gym so I have to walk more therefor burn off more calories. I make excuses to walk to my car. I have noticed I binge on weekends. My excuse to binge is that I tell myself I should eat it all now so I wont be able to later and I will be forced to eat minimally and healthy. 

I am disgusted by my roommates eating habits and weight. I have noticed I cannot remember things as I used to. Is this because of the eating disorder? Am I depressed? Am I bipolar? DO I have OCD? Do I have anxiety? Everyone seems to have anxiety now which makes me question if this is truly an imperative disorder or are we becoming more sensitive as a society due to our rearing that we have all become such sensitive and offended fucks? I don’t believe I get offended as people do now. I have trouble reading and understanding social cues but at the same time I don’t? Maybe I don’t know the exact words for what I am trying to get across that I cant explain it effectively. I hate tests that use absolute words. Because I will remember a piece of something that will not be true in one of the options but will be true in the rest but I will have to explain why I put an answer because of how the question is worded.

 I like problems that make you have to consider and think about other influencing factors. I think I am creative enough to be able to come up with reasons why a particular group may be thinking or feeling or acting out in a certain way. I believe I am just uneducated about specific cultural/community/social//religious values which really blocks me from being able to dabble in these. I love controversial topics. I love knowing information on both sides and discussing well maybe x is doing this because of a but y interprets a as 1. 

in 3rd grade on the night before our mission project was due (I remember because I waited to do it on the last minute and I made my mission out of cardboard boxes from Costco and colored a coloring page from the mission that I had been sent by the mission because Momo wrote to them about getting more information about it. Mom said that if my nose grew to be like my fathers she would pay to have me get a nose job. 

One day my mom made me french toast and my father made a comment saying “mama is trying to fatten you up” and before I took a bite I put my fork down and went to my room and closed the door. 

My dad has a thing for “big women” and expresses that all the time. He shames everyone for their appearance. EX red hair, clothing style, having glasses on facing backwards. He always says that people should just shave their head of they are balding in one area or have a receding hairline.

Area- I was never good at math problems that dealt with 3D objects or had to do with any geometry or spacial problems. 

I remember in elementary school I started catching clips of those health shows that are on at like 3pm about how to stay healthy and not get sick and lose weight. One tip was to keep an arms length away from meat sections but I swore I lost 8lbs from that. I would also count calories. 

My mom would always complain seriously about how it isn’t fair that my father eats three times as much as her but she is still :fat: but she doesn’t realize the lifestyle she lives keeps her there- she thinks she is doing a crazy amount of walking, but her restaurant store is very small, mine was twice as large. -here is me coming up with reasons why she thinks its unfair and what is really going on- so I would walk as much just being an expediter in four hours as she would being a server in 6. She also eats extremely high calorie desserts daily and lays on her ass.  I analyze my mothers personality and have found her weaknesses-driving reaction time, ability to deal with stress.

I hate the way she licks and sucks her fingers and makes humming noises about how good something was-Ive already analyzed why i feel this way

when I was in physiology we were learning about hormone imbalances and it made me suspect she had cushings syndrome because she displayed signs of the condition.

 During a holiday my cousin came over and he called my mom fat, it made me extremely angry because you don’t go up to people and say things like that so I hit him. 

My grandmother talks about how others are no good for society, she says she doesn’t believe my cousin will get anything other that working in food service because she is too boring and plain looking. She doesn’t believe Nick will get into UCI. What doesn’t she believe I will do? I heard her say “we will just be happy if she gets a degree” but degrees don’t mean shit anymore. What if I fail? Don’t succeed? I am the only child. I believe it puts a lot pf pressure on me. They’ve invested so much in me but what if I just cant do it? I don’t feel like I can do it because I am not all mentally there, I am too distracted by other thoughts. Which can prove that the overall health of the population affects access education and income resulting in education levels. 

I used to be so eager to learn. My favorite class was community health issues at LBCC. I have lost my motivation. I cant concentrate. I am not  intrigued by the information. I just want to sit on the floor and lay down all day. But then where would I burn the extra calories.

I feel happy and energetic when I work at my new job-they hate cynical which I am afraid I am but I am not when I work there I am very positive and happy despite talking to myself all the time. I think I talk out loud because I need that confirmation that what I am doing is correct. Again this can be related to being an only child and seeking approval. On my chart I will have “ONLY CHILD” as a category with a bullet list of traits that can be linked with me being an only child and a sub category of parent reaction and rearing because I was the only one. 

I  feel drained and dead when I am at home but I crave the company. I am alone. But that isn’t new. I have always felt this way so I don’t believe it is simply moving related but I am sure it is intensified. 

I have been experiencing strange body reactions. Leg and arm get that feeling where I need to extend it in a position it wont move. stretching and exercise don’t allow it to subside. I have been bleeding between my period for a week ad a half  after I saw a counselor and cried I felt happier and more talkative. I am usually irritated by talking on the phone. The way my roommate words things irritates me. “my friend” or when Im asked “what did you do all day” or “what do you think” right after saying something that is the obvious answer like why are you asking me what I think you just gave yourself the answer why do you talk about.

I cant sleep with constricting/restricting clothing like bras or leggings or long sleeves.  what is the difference between constricting and restriction (just for my understanding)

I have to stop for tonight. my left pinky feels numb and tingly and so does my left had and it is making it difficult for me to type. I am feeling restless too. I cant keep typing in a small squished position. the side of my pinky finger feels over used. 

this is just a small rant of topics to help me remember what I wan’t to go into depth in my blog to help me analyze my thoughts..

I want my first topic to be on my self diagnosed “eating disorder”and how it has physically affected my body and my worries about possible thyroid interference.

to be continued...

[mental-health-advice]

Submission from Butterfly

hi, i started noticing stuff about myself and im not sure if it means something or not. As a kid I was very quiet and somewhat reserved, and I always had a very active imagination/ I was always really really shy with people and often struggled with socialising. I avoid eye contact with people, still to this day but better. I always played this game while walking, like i need to step on dark colours with my left foot and light colours with my right, and i still do today. (p1 )tag as butterfly

butterfly p2. At the same time I rub the respective fingers together of my hands, so I rub my thumb with my right or left finger while I do this. I know its weird. I also had an extreme fear of germs as a child and washed my hands obsessively, I still have it today but am able to control it better. I like to have a certain routine and stuff after I shower for example, or somethings I simply can’t do something in that moments because it doesn’t ‘feel right’ or something.

butterfly p3. I can’t describe it, its like I cant do my hwk just anywhere/anytime, the environment and everything has to align for example, my room has to be clean and I have to be clean and I have to be in the right state of mind and it has to be the right time etc. I get random bursts of impulsively cleaning my room, i think it helps 'cleanse’ things and 'restart’ so I can do work or something.

butterfly final. I hate watching vulgar things like explicit violence in movies because then it feels like the rest of the day is 'tainted’ and i will associate whatever I do with that and those thoughts. Therefore I cant do anything I know I sound like a crazy person and thats why Im afraid to explain these feelings to other people. I also like to associate things like numbers to different colours.I don’t really get it or why I do these things. Is it just habit or preference, or something else?

Hi darling,

I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been struggling with this lovely! I think it’s good to question why you’re doing these things, as that’s a big part of finding out whether some form of treatment would be necessary/helpful, or if there are other ways you can manage this. I’m going to address the last thing you’re managing first- how you associate numbers with different colours. I think it can be good for you to look into synaesthesia (for example on this website). This is where a sensation in one sense (seeing a number) triggers a response in another sensation (colour). There are a lot of different types of synaesthesia, although what you describe seems to one of the most common ones. Often people with synaesthesia at first don’t realise this is something other people don’t experience, until for example it comes up in a conversation. Synaesthesia generally isn’t perceived as a bad thing.

Before I give any suggestions, I want to stress that I’m in no way a professional and therefore can’t be sure on what’s going on. We don’t recommend self-diagnosis for the reasons listed here. I can make a suggestion, but within mental illnesses there’s a lot of overlap of symptoms. Having said that, it’s also possible to experience symptoms of a certain mental illness but not to be diagnosed with that mental illness if for example it doesn’t limit you a lot in your ability to function.

A possibility is that you’re dealing with obsessive-compulsive symptoms, which could potentially be professionally diagnosed as OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder). We have a page series on obsessive-compulsive and related disorders that I think can be really good for you to read through. There’s a lot of information on there that could give you a lot of insight in what you’re dealing with, even if you do not end up being diagnosed with OCD.

I’m afraid I can’t give an answer to your final question, whether this is just habit or preference, or something else. That is something a professional will have to find out and look into. If it’s affecting you, I think it would be really good to visit your GP / local doctor and ask for a referral to a therapist, psychiatrist, or other mental health professional. You can read more about getting help here as well. I hope this was helpful, even if I couldn’t answer all your questions.

Sometimes what seems impossible, is just hard.

Keep fighting beautiful ❤

Love Pauline