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I have a very interesting stance on abortion, especially given my past with Lawrence and our son. When I was younger I was pro-life, there was no reason to have an abortion nor keep it legal, but I was also not mature and wasn’t out in the real world yet. 

Once I turned 18 I met my best friend Mollie, whom has a child, but her child is not her husbands, it is her rapists. She was a young mom, she was raped and didn’t have any kind of support system, she was going to get an abortion but the protesters outside were throwing food at her and yelling at her so she ran away from the office crying. She also looked at adoption but at that point she was already really far along and decided to keep the baby. It takes a lot to keep a baby in that kind of situation at 15. I was proud of her for doing that, but she also said she resented her daughter for about three years, and it was hard since her daughter looks like her rapist. But then she met her husband who has now adopted the child, so in the end it all worked out for her.

With me, when I turned 19 and found out I was pregnant with my fiance’s child I was happy and overjoyed, but he wasn’t. He forced me into an abortion that I didn’t want and it traumatized me, still to this day. I didn’t want to have one myself, but I didn’t care if other people wanted to have abortions, it was their body and their choice. I didn’t know about the abortion at first, he did it on his own, I almost died from the way my body reacted to it. I didn’t know what was happening or what to do and he wouldn’t take me to the hospital either, prolly because then I would find out what he did. And now I have a wonderful daughter with that same man who is not apart of her life either. 

But now I am pro-choice, and not because I had an abortion, or know someone who chose life, but because abortions are dangerous if not done right or by a professional (like I found out) and every woman has a choice on what to do with their own body. And I feel bad for the woman who have died trying to do what they want to do with their own body and the woman who didn’t want to be a parent but were forced to be because abortion is becoming illegal. 

[1faceofptsd-blog]

Therapy 07-22-2019

Positive This Week: I got glasses that I actually enjoy wearing, I had a good birthday weekend, my sexual assault case is moving.

Negative This Week: I need glasses and there is a high chance that I have to testify against the man who sexually assaulted me.

Setbacks This Week: Having to pay for new tabs on my car, having a lot of anxiety over the court case coming up.

Moments of Anxiety: When the man who sexually assaulted me got arrested and the case got moving, starting the process of cutting Lawrence out of my life.

Selfcare For The Week: Lots and lots of scrap booking and personal training sessions.

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Today Jenna and I mostly discussed the upcoming court case with the man who sexually assaulted me over spring break. I was able to get a free Victims Advocate through the court that is basically my best friend throughout the process of this case, and she keeps me informed on everything that happens. So that is a bonus on that end. Jenna and I also talked about me trying to let go of my past with Lawrence, I decided to change my profile photo on Instagram to a more updated one of me instead of it being from four years ago at the Marine Ball. To me that was a large step in the sense that I was afraid to delete it in case we ever got  back together or for some other dumb reason. I have also gotten rid of a lot of Lawrence’s cloths and photos off of my phone and packed away what ever I was saving for my daughter. Once my abandonment case is accepted or thrown out then I think I am more ready to completely delete him out of my life since there would be no reason to keep him in it if he has no rights to my daughter anymore. Jenna is proud of me working on more selfcare than usual, and it is helping get my daughter’s scrapbook done (finally), and I have wanted to start other scrapbooks as well since I enjoy doing it so much. Nolan also got me an one hour massage for my birthday to use when ever I have another day off to myself, it was greatly appreciated but I hate that he spent so much money on me without us actually being together or me even knowing what I want with him, Chris on the other hand only sent me a dick pic with the ‘Happy Birthday’ message. So clearly Nolan won the birthday gift award this time, but I am still unsure on who I want to be with since Nolan still annoys the living piss out of me, but Chris never acts interested, so I guess we shall see. 

[1faceofptsd-blog]

Therapy 07-08-2019

Positive This Week: Seeing Jeff Dunham, having some me time. 

Negative This Week: Having the sexual assault brought back up, Nolan annoying the living piss out of me.

Setbacks This Week: Having to spend a lot of money on my tabs, leaving with little to get through the next two weeks.

Moments of Anxiety: When the cop called to update me on my case.

Selfcare For The Week: Whole me day on Friday, and some scrapbook time on Sunday.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-This week was pretty busy over all with the holiday, Jeff Dunham and all the other adventuring I try to do. Really to start the week I got a phone call (07-02-2019) from the state cop that is working my recent sexual assault case (05-23-2019) and he informed me that the prosecutor went ahead and issue a warrant for Caleb’s arrest for CSC (Criminal Sexual Conduct) 3rd and 4th Degree with Penetration, even though he didn’t really penetrate anything, he just touched the outside area of my vagina. This came mostly as a shock to me for a couple reasons; One I didn’t actually think anything was going to come of it since my molester, rapist and other sexual assault case all got thrown out, Two these were harsher charges that I originally thought he was going to get. But I guess that it is a good thing that something is being done of it, brings back some of the faith I had in the legal system. On the fourth I had the day off of work and I spent it with the friend from school who recently went through a miscarriage, I got to meet her soon to be husband and hang out in her extremely filthy smelly house, but we also went to Torch Lake to swim and that was amazing. It was nice to actually be at a beach and get to swim in the water, at Torch Lake the water is always like bath water and super shallow so my child could also enjoy the water. I also got to enjoy fireworks at home since we bought a bunch to celebrate at our house so we didn’t have to take my Grandma with severe dementia anywhere crazy. The next day was my whole selfcare day, I didn’t have to go to work since we were closed but I had child care so I was child free all day. I started with sleeping in, the dropping her off at daycare, then I did my workout, once I showered I went to work for a little bit to get some paper work taken care of, got my tabs renewed on my truck, and then I went grocery shopping and shopping for myself, even though I only bought one thing. I ended up not having enough time to do all that I wanted to do for myself that day, but since I forgot to get my prescription I ended up being able to go in on Sunday and get a couple more things for myself. On Saturday I attempted to have a day at the beach with Nolan but we got rained out on, so we just had lunch together and watched some movies. Then around 3 we went back to my house to get ready to go to see Jeff Dunham at the Cherry Festival. This was the first time I ever went down to Cherry Festival, other than marching in the parades as a kid, and it was the first time I ever met/seen someone famous. And it was amazing, I had a really good time, even with Nolan, even though he was slightly annoying, but we also met up with my aunt and uncle so that was a nice buffer. Lastly, Sunday was a slow day, didn’t really do much other than eat ice cream and deal with the terrible twos. But when my daughter fell asleep on the floor from playing I decided to scrapbook for a bit since I was already behind with her scrapbooks form when she was born and the first year. Jenna and I mostly talked about my week, and the case, I found out that she also went to the same high school as me and the guy who sexually assaulted me, she actually graduated with him. She also talked with me about my coping strategies, which lately they have been eating, ruining my now 14 pound weight loss. She also encouraged me to think about going to court if and when Caleb gets arrested and charged, but to make sure I had someone to go with. The last thing I brought up with Jenna before my time ran out with her was that I had to make a family page for my daughter’s daycare so they could put it in a family book. I didn’t know whether or not I should include pictures of her biological father and her half brother. Part of me wants to because I would hope that he comes around at some point (but it has already been almost two years since she was born and no contact) and I don’t want to hide her father from her even though he isn’t coming around, she deserves to know where she came from since she is Native American from his side of the family. I also am the only single parent at the daycare, and the only one whose child doesn't have a male role model in their life so I don’t want other kids asking questions on why she doesn’t have a dad. But either way picture or no picture it will speed up the process on her asking where her dad is. I still have time to think though, even though the page is due by 07-22-2019.

[1faceofptsd-blog]

Therapy 07-01-2019

Positive the Last Two Weeks: I got my car fixed, I get to see Jeff Dunham LIVE this coming Saturday, I also got approval for my daughter to be in Pre-Pre-School.

Negative the Last Two Weeks: I am very short on money, the heat of summer is killing my motivation, and I have been having a hard time keeping my weight off.

Setbacks the Last Two Weeks: Being short on money.

Moments of Anxiety: Looking into starting the process to build my house and im receiving contradicting advice and feedback from my family.

Selfcare for the Past Two Weeks: My first session with my personal trainer and grocery shopping alone.

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Today Jenna and I didn’t really revisit the topics from the last session two weeks ago, I am not sure if it is because it is such a touchy subject or because she just didn’t recall. Basically the only thing she touched on from two weeks ago is if I had an reoccurring memories that were stuck in my head, which I did not. We mostly talked about my job, how I got my personal trainer finally, and my friends. She told me to start keeping an open mind about making new friends, because I do not have friends and I do not get out much. I at least do have a new friend in sight, the same girl who had a miscarriage last viist. We have still been talking and we are similar people and used to be friends in middle school, so it isn’t a bad option. And Jenna agrees and asked me what the perfect friend would be like for me and what the type of person I look for to be my friend. I get it on why I should have friends, it gets me out of the house and I need some adult interaction, but I also work and go to school, both full time, and being a single mom doesn’t help matters. I did how ever feel so much better after my work out with my personal trainer, even though the gym is slightly intimidating, mostly because I am not covered in tattoos and am not ‘yolked’.But ill keep going to her until I can get a grip on fat burning workouts and my body somewhat close to where I want it. Jenna and I also talked about my family not really being the support I need when it comes to starting the process to build my house, whenever they tell me I should do something to get the ball rolling they tell me I am not ready and that I shouldn’t of went ahead and did what I did. Jenna thinks it is because my parents don’t want me to leave, I however think it is because they don’t want me to fall on my face. I still feel rushed into the process though, I don’t know where I am going to end up in a few years, or who I am going to be with and building a house is a pretty permanent choice. If I date Chris then I could be having to live in Ohio with him or follow him to Texas where he wants to be, but if I end up with Nolan then I will have to follow him to the West Coast or at least to Ann Arbor Michigan. All options are too far from my family for my liking, I want to be an hour maximum from them, and with these two boy options I am not really getting my way when it comes to location. But lastly, Chris will be home on Friday hopefully so I will get to catch up with him, and Nolan and I get to go see Jeff Dunham on Saturday, so this week I have both of the men in my life, so it should be exciting. 

[1faceofptsd-blog]

Another part of my assignment for the next two weeks was to look up the five stages of grief and figure out for myself where I am at in the process. Even though it has been 3.5 years since I lost my son, I still think I am in between the 3rd and 5th stage of grief. I say this because I have accepted what has happened and have continued to move forward with my life, but in the same time I still need therapy for what happened and I am still looking for something to change what happened. 

[1faceofptsd-blog]

Therapy 06-20-2019

Positive of the Week: Traveling to Mackinac Island and having it be a good trip.

Negative of the Week: Car breaking down, canceling personal training session.

Set Backs This Week: Car breaking down, jamming my pointer finger. 

Moments of Anxiety: Not knowing how much it is going to cost me to get my car fixed, and whether or not I will have the money to fix my car.

Self Care For This Week: Mackinac Island Trip.

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During the session Jenna and I went over how my week went, what I did, and how it made me feel. Didn’t dig too much into the trauma, even though she wanted to start to work with me on it. She is starting to write less when we have our sessions and focus more, but that also means she is relying on her memory about what we have already talked about, and with how many others she sees there is some reminding going on, but I don’t mind. When going through my week and how I used the goals she gave me at the start of working with her, I brought up how I used my bluntness in a positive way, instead of coming across like a bitch. Over the weekend a girl who I went to high school with announced that she is pregnant, rather early, but I messaged her anyway saying I had a boat load of stuff for her, all gender neutral. Then I asked her how far along she was, she told me about four weeks, and that’s when I told her that she shouldn’t be announcing on the great wide world of Facebook that she is pregnant so early because anything can happen, not that I wanted it to, but that the risk is there till about twelve weeks. She understood and appreciated my two cents but said she would rather I didn’t say that she would miscarry. And this morning this friend from high school announced on Facebook that she did miscarry, and that she was having a hard time dealing with it. I told her that if she ever needed anything to let me know because I have been through loss, more than once, since I did lose my son, even though it was through a forced abortion. Once I finished telling Jenna all of this she wanted to go back and talk about something I mentioned-The Abortion. It didn’t shock me that she wanted to double back, I am sure she had questions and wanted to know more. When she asked how it effected me and if I still thought about it I started crying. She offered me juice and snacks if it made it easier to talk about. I briefed her on it as best I could since our timer did go off to finish the session. Before I left she wanted three more positives for this week, and told me I did have PTSD and it was good to focus on positive stuff, like my daughter since she is my person. She told me to start writing down things to talk about for next time since now we are biweekly and I have bad memory loss. But at least today starts the first day of facing my trauma. 

[1faceofptsd-blog]

PTSD Things No One Talks About...

1. Nightmares about trusted people hurting you.

2. Nightmares that are completely different from what actually happened.

3. Everything is TOO LOUD.

4. Gotta cut your hair.

5. When you’re halfway through telling a story and remember that it is about that person.

6. Waking up and being somewhere else for a few seconds.

7. Never enough showers.

8. Being bossy for the thrill of being in charge.

9. Randomly teleporting to bad places for a few seconds while just going about your day.

10. Memory loss.

Feel free to add some more, I know I did.

[1faceofptsd-blog]

Writing Prompt#1: If You’re Honest With Yourself, What Things are you Afraid of?

I am afraid of dying alone. I have no idea why, I will always have my daughter-unless of course she disowns me. I think I have this fear because everyone around me has someone in their life, like a husband or long term boyfriend. I prefer to be alone, but I don’t want to go through life alone, if that makes any sense.

I am also of raising my kid wrong, and having her hate me because one half of her family, including her father and her brother is not in her life and don’t plan to be. Even though I can’t help that and I have been doing my best to raise her the right way, she could still resent me in the future for the life predicament she is in. I know I hate my mom for only having her side of the family in my life and I didn’t want the same for my daughter. 

I did overcome my last fear a few years ago when the love of my life left me. I was afraid to lose my daughter’s father, Lawrence, mostly because he is/was the love of my life. You never want to lose that person, and I was afraid that I would lose him and that kind of love. But I did and I survived so I guess that is a bonus.

[1faceofptsd-blog]

Two Years in the Making...

Our ‘marriage’ ended just over two years ago. You were the only person I believed could be my soul mate, other half, father to all of my children, etc. I never believed in fate or all the other typical love crap, until you. I still to this day do not want anyone else in my life, and our daughter’s life. It took me about a year to get okay with the idea that I would have to date someone else, and have another man step up to the plate with fathering our daughter. It took another year to even make it official with another guy. Every man I got close to after you I ran from because they were not you and I thought of you more than them, I also would try to find you in them. I don’t know why you have this hold on my heart.

This current guy, Nolan is the opposite of you, fat, book smart, a non-man-whore, and actually educated. By anyone’s standards he is a good boyfriend to have and an even better guy to have take over fathering our child. But I don’t want him, I want you. I never wanted to stop being with you, or stop being yours. You will always have my heart but ill never have you. It is hard for me to wake up everyday and see Nolan’s name on my phone instead of yours, it is hard to see his truck and not your jeep, and more importantly it hurts to hear his voice say mine name instead of yours. To be honest, I imagine that he is you in order to tolerate him and keep the spark between us going, which isn’t right I know. I am going to try to talk to him about my feelings, or lack their of at some point, I just haven’t figured out when. 

The other guy, Chris is more similar to you in comparison to Nolan. He is fat, has a high work ethic, very dominant, and listens to what I have to say. He wants more of a friend’s with benefits type of relationship instead of being boy friend girl friend. Him and I have been sleeping together since August of 2018. He is wonderful, and the man I want to be with, but he isn’t sure if he wants us to go any farther, or at least that is what he told me in November of 2018. He is the first to make me forget about you, and I am sure that is why I prefer him over Nolan. But I guess for now I will keep these two men in my life and I will see which one I end up with, even though the thought of not knowing gives me anxiety from hell.

[1faceofptsd-blog]

What is PTSD?

Medically, PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) may arise when people go through a traumatic event; death, threatened death, sexual assault, or even a serious injury. Anyone who survives trauma can develop PTSD, but it is not guaranteed however that if you live through a traumatic experience that you will get PTSD, everyone responds to trauma differently. PTSD symptoms include: Anger, Depression, Anxiety, Intrusive Thoughts, Flashbacks, Fatigue, Nightmares, Loss of Concentration, Increase Startle Hyper-vigilance, Avoidance, Isolation, Emotional Numbing, Lack of Trust, and Suicidal Thoughts and Idealization (www.voa.org)

But for me, PTSD is more than just what is on paper in some medical book/journal/article/what-have you. To me PTSD was not being able to go to our places, feeling frozen when a trigger came up, shutting down for no reason, uncontrollably shaking when in a familiar area, the fear of sleeping, starting fights out of nothing, and being an emotional wreck constantly. 

I have been living with PTSD for about three years now, and I finally became okay with making my stories public, not only as a place to voice my thoughts and stories but in hopes to help others.