4nn13773 - Tumblr blog

[4nn13773]

saw it again

i hate how it felt so nice

so rewarding

how seeing that royal velvet made me feel

even if it was an accident

there was the spirit

and i wanted to never see it again

but it seems like every tiny scratch

ill be meeting it

the little reward

that i kept hunting

the little pat

that i survived

something i caused myself

but my poor body doesnt know that

so it just does its best

to avoid my being distressed

it wants me to see

that this wound isnt fatal

and reward me for not messing up too much

"thanks, I know how deep I should go."

- nevermore.

(and i didnt, recovery is real ♡)

[4nn13773]

All Quiet on the Western Front: Appreciation Notes I

Hey!! I want to try out something new, and share a piece of my thoughts that i really trasure, abouuut......(drumrolls).. All Quiet on The Western Front! I saw he movie, and I loved it, despite all the hate its getting, but I must admit, the book got me CAPTURED in it, so Ill post some Tumblrs with my aprecciation notes for the book, cause it had been laying in my head for AGES! There will be spoilers so beware when reading new posts! (worry not, there will also be warnings :) )

[4nn13773]

heartspace

you squashed yourself in my heart

with all the junk i carry around

with all the hurts

and all my joys

you were so used to laying on your back in there

looking at my walls

but youre squished up now

and as you tried to move in

you teared my heart

with pieces and shards of my memories

my heart was full

so much it bleeded out everywhere

it looked so pretty

but now

i lay in my bed late

with my heart half emptied

i am bleeding out

[4nn13773]

no need

i dont have it anymore

ive wasted my desperate need to ask

i cant ask you to care anymore

but oh,

how i want you to find all the things

i buried cause i knew you were busy

i wish you would pick them one by one

and look at them with the care you used to

with those eyes that wanted to know me

as much as they could

now your eyes look in that direction

because theyre used to it

they used to know why

i think they lost interest in the piles of factures

you have layed in front of me

i miss you

but i dont wanna tell you anymore

[4nn13773]

come here

i can see your pain in every step

how your hands shake

revealing all the pressure and ambitions

that everyone has

how with every step

your body jumps as your lungs inflate

little faster than expected

and your swollen eyes

searching for any comfort

as they bear the water that built up

i am happy to have you

fall into my arms

to protect you

from the room thats covered with toughts

that are shreading your soul

[4nn13773]

brave

the water reached my collarbones

i can walk

i can talk

but my chest is tighter

and all the oxygen escapes

a bit faster than before

even when i try my best

to make it stay

and my eyes become watery

at every word you say

and i get a lump in my throat

and suddenly

all the breathing hard work is lost

because i hold my breath

so you dont hear me tear up

because you stand

and the water reaches your nose

but youre still looking at me

even though it makes you choke

youre so brave

[4nn13773]

Classes

How am I supposed to

smile, function

when nothing matters

when with every second

my heart shatters

just because im not reckoned

just because my own head wants

How am i supposed to fuction

when all im thinking is pure finction

when im sad,

when in my head

is just exsistentional dread

[4nn13773]

one of the older poems i really like ♡

Morning! ♡

studying until it's so late I fall asleep,

then answering messages from my friends,

hellpless looking for something thats right in fron of me

Forgetting how to form sentences.

"how are you baby?"

"im sleepy i will go to sleep now"

deleting self hate messages after i wake up

"morning! ♡"

[4nn13773]

do you have trouble breathing?

what happened to your neck

did you get caught in a wire?

what happened to your neck

did you have an operation?

what happened to your neck

were you in a car crash?

what happened to your neck

did glass shatters cut through it?

what happened to your neck

did you?

do you need help?

hey!

SAY SOMETHING!!

[4nn13773]

Alive poets society 👍

[4nn13773]

Roses

Roses on my kitchen table

I have red nails

and red bloody thorns

stuck in my fingertips

from when you gave them to me

When i met you in your garden

You stood with roses in your hand

and you gave them to me

the prettiest roses

with the prettiest of smiles

Glad i had long sleeves

I rolled them over my hands

hiding the thorns they left in my hand

when you gave me your love

that now rots on the kitchen table

poisoning my every last meal

[4nn13773]

flawed

some things

are just you

unchangeable

no matter how many troubles they bring

am I unlovable?

for them

[4nn13773]

[4nn13773]

home

I hate home

and I hate the aftertaste of feeling safer in yours

cause i should have never

felt safer in a strangers home

[4nn13773]

party on the outside

read these tips, try them

make a routine, breathe, do this

no, I wanna die

let my insides

feel the cruelty of the

fucking outside

lungs! do you feel tight now?

heart! oh pop out of my chest!

spill blood everywhere

not like you haven't

since I wanted things from you

how does it feel now?

bleeding in a bath

warm water makes the blood flow

right into the drain

im so mad at you

just leave me alone to die

with no fucking guilt

or take care of me

week or two of attention

and convincing

I already tried

and I cant convice me

I am exhausted

---------------------

one of the older poems, dont worry :)

[4nn13773]

An apartment withount a soul

hair stuck in the kitchen drain

dirty bowl of cereal

your phone on the table

one message notification

your desk with sticky notes

your obsessively cleaned bed

your folded laundry

everything calm and clean

just like you wanted

its just another

ordinary

lonely

day

.

and soon

it will start to be a circus

of saving someone

who doesnt want to be saved

.

or will they just find your clean flat

with

hair stuck in the kitchen drain

dirty bowl of cereal

your phone on the table

one message notification

your desk with sticky notes

your obsessively cleaned bed

your folded laundry

your velvet bathub

with you

[4nn13773]

Biligual

when you start using 2 languages

one is always going to feel more vulnerable

its gonna hit closer to home

and no matter how much you want to deny

youre not crying

ty pláčeš

youre not smiling

ty se směješ

youre not loving

ty miluješ

no matter how unpolished it sounds

no matter how much you hate it

jak moc se to snažíš schovat

one language is presentable

but you feel with the other one

let it back to your heart

se všemi starostmi s ním spojenými

se všemi vzpomínkami

na který ses snažil zapomenout

Im sorry to my english speaking audience, these are my 2 most known laguages czech and english, and my feelings toward them ♡