a-mseatingdisorder-blog

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Deleting and remaking soon

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HW: 194, bmi 35.5, fall 2017

CW: 121, bmi 22.1, fall 2018

GW1: 100

UGW: 90

73 lbs lost through weight watchers/calorie restriction/intermittent fasting/keto

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I ate a bunch of candy last night because Sunday is my day for that stuff. But now I’m thinking about all the sugar and carbs... I want to cry and fast for a week.

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Saw someone thinner than me

Not eating

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Another reason I hate eating lunch: the feeling of digestion. I'm usually asleep and don't feel it. It's sooo uncomfortable.

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I lied to everyone that we were doing 18:6 IF.

We're really doing OMAD 23:1, 600 calorie max, 800 max on Sundays.

But now it's a regular workday and we took him to work... We'll go to lunch and I'll have to at least order food. I might have to eat in front of him (at least a few bites) and it's giving me Anxiety because I wanted to Fast.

-Adriana 👑 (crown emoji)

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Fasting since 8:30 pm, 18 hrs so far. Mostly water, but one mug of warm unsweetened tea as a treat.

Might try to get away with broth for dinner and fast until tomorrow night. Mostly because the guilt of eating even just once a day is Killing Me. 🙃

Part of me is thinking, "is this how far we've come??" My dear, this is where we belong. This is our salvation.

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I'm a complete mess and no one cares

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Ate at a Mexican restaurant with his mom and grandma, breaking an 18 hr fast. I loved the salsa, and after 6 chips I used a fork. He got fajitas for two, but no tortillas for me, only veggies, meat, beans and a bit of rice! Anyway that will probably be all I eat today. I didn't eat nearly as much as I would have a year ago, and I feel good about the protein in it.

I don't like feeling full, though, I feel gross and guilty. So it's whatever, I guess. Idk. Honestly I picked at it so maybe my stomach has shrunk due to all this fasting? Or I ate a regular portion size and my perceptions are off. Who knows.

-Lyssa

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Internal Conversation

Me: this food is 200 calories. I could eat the whole thing and not feel bad!

My ED: or, you could eat half now, half for dinner, and have 200 total calories for the day...

Me: I could wait and eat the whole thing at dinner and actually enjoy it.

My ED: ...or you could tear it in half, feed one to the dog, and eat the other half later in front of him, and have 100 calories total.

Me: fucking hell

My ED: you don't deserve to enjoy things

Me: ...u got me there bud

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I was doing So! Good! Yesterday

Then I ate a piece of candy (25) and part of a candy bar (184) and half a cookie (43).

Without all that my intake would have been 487, instead of 740. I did NOT plan to eat extra on Halloween but it happened. Probably not getting a 24 hr fast in, but if I carry on until 5pm that'll make 20.

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🍃🍂🍁November 1st Body Measurements🍁🍂🍃

Chest: 33 in

Ribcage: 29.5 in

Waist: 26 in

Hips: 34.75 in

Thighs: 18.75 in

Arms: 9 in

Wrists: 5.75 in

Weight: unknown, est. 120s

Collarbones ✔️ Chest Bones ✔️ Ribs ❌ Thigh Gap ❌ Hip Bones ❌

My shoulders are getting pretty bony, but the lower body is not there yet. I estimate my weight around 125, I still don't have a scale battery (3 months later lmao). My current goal is 100 lbs or less by New Year's.

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God I hate myself so much I could be skinny if I just had more self control but no I just shove food in my mouth like I deserve it

I shouldn't have let him buy food for my stupid ass, I didn't need it, why did I eat it? He walked away! I could have stopped when he left, after just a few bites!

But nooo, I had to be a greedy piece of shit and not only kept eating but I ate over half!!! I'm so glad I don't purge because I would have as soon as I realized it.

I want to say nothing else today but idk if I can get away with that. Maybe I'll just tell him I have it to eat and then just...not eat it. He's easily distracted and has no reason to monitor my eating, so it's up to me to be stronger than the food...

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Last night I broke a 24hr fast with half a Whopper and half a cookie, finishing at 9p.

If I have to eat lunch I'll eat at 1p at the earliest for a 16hr fast, or 3p for 18hr fast.

I need water for now, before I get cranky!

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God I just want to feel like I actually accomplished something for once while I ogle my own rib cage is that too much to fucking ask

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So am I actually anorexic or is this just the only way I know to fight my binge eating disorder?

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I have no control over anything in my life so I guess I better starve myself

Except i failed at that and ate lunch like a piece of shit, wasting money on food I don't deserve

I knew how today would go and it did I hate today