aaaaamaken - Tumblr blog

[aaaaamaken]

[aaaaamaken]

i know my future self is out there. waiting for me. i gotta keep going for that self

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im sorry to myself for not letting herself be seen difficult because I myself have had hard time to sit with her. this is what i draw from my rumination. this is my way how i stretch into discomfort. so where again the place in myself id thought i always belong to?

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august hasn't been kind to me and i too haven't been softer to myself. im embarrassed to admit but august hits me with relapse. it was steady pace and suddenly im sitting in a pitiful ditch wrapped by the impending loom. but wait it was not all steady actually. i have one less pet and his grave is growing green. i cut my hair after his death and now its one inch longer. the one friendship i was working on moved in with the girl bitching behind my back. im all shambles, i said. i was crying myself to sleep but wrote in journal "the cry make the next morning feels like a good day". already jittery so i spiked my caffeine intake which enable myself to be worst. its slightly wrong, this is not fair for myself. to be affected by these circumstances. guess im being difficult on myself and rushing to mother her.

//this is me in an unflattering light//

[aaaaamaken]

and when I cut all contact, I hope you realize what you’ve done.

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thinking about the friendship you find in the phase of life when you're done making friends. when the prospect of being by yourself is way more appealing than stripping your soul before another one. that's when they come in and light up your world once again. helps you in regaining trust and always letting you be yourself without the fear of being misjudged. spoils you in all the better ways and lends a listening ear when dismayed. worries seem less frightening in their company and in this state of blissful content, you resume life's tedious journey.

[aaaaamaken]

"how are you?"

unconditionally kind pleasantry. nobody who ask want to know the answer. nobody answer it with truth. now that we are older, we realize this is an existential question used as cornerstone of polite conversation.

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Relationship status?

isolationship

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Lonely isn’t being alone. It’s the feeling that nobody cares.

Unknown

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[my first time being an adult] first i need to be an adult - learning, unlearning, re-learning. next i have to seek another adult to make meaningful connections and relationships. so im supposed to grow in width and depth all together.

[aaaaamaken]

the good traits are actually not up for a superficial measure.

Just because you don't have a "thing" to show for all your hard work, does not mean you weren't working very hard. Plenty of things like clarity, knowledge, or balance, are not tangible, but very worthwhile

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born to be a yapper forced to self isolate

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your problem is not that you give too much. you believe you are a perpetual giver in a world of takers. we choose to be a martyr in our own story thinking that makes us a hero and that noble.

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[my scary part of adulting] you will be good at coping. you are scared nobody notices that.

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on my way mastering the art of disappearing because im always invisible by the people around me.

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