ab-cogitation

[ab-cogitation]

Entry 12/29/2021: Coursing Through A Painful Process

Entry 12/29/2021: Coursing Through A Painful Process

Utilizing Time to heal what hurts. Many fears have come up. Lots of tears poured down. I can talk all day about the doubts that haunted me, And the shame. Can’t forget about the worries that chained boulders around my ankles. And the violence that had me wishing I had no tongue nor teeth to speak.Having to address memories and moments that made me feel weak, Made me realize just how strong…

[ab-cogitation]

Entry 12/19/2021: Death is a Portal to Living

The journey of “Getting out My Damn Way” has been challenging. I’ve been at it for years. So don’t allow anyone to convince you that it’s a short destination or easy to do. You literally have to undergo a strenuous process of de-programming, letting go, breaking habits, forgiveness, and pain is certainly included. I became officially aware of my Journey in 2016 when my mama died. I learned…

[ab-cogitation]

Entry 12/17/21: Pencil Wounds

Been asking myself, “At what point did the sweetness in my life cross the threshold to bitterness?” Then I sat with a memory this morning of my 6 year old self getting suspended from school after stabbing a boy whom sat next to me in the hand. His name Unforgettable. I didn’t like the boy sitting next to me, because he smelled funny. And I was a spoiled little snob, thanks to my mama and me…

[ab-cogitation]

Entry 11/24/2021: Feeling Unafraid to Get Out My Way

Entry 11/24/2021: Feeling Unafraid to Get Out My Way

Colder seasons are often difficult for me to venture through, because the days are shorter, the Sun is often tucked away behind clouds, and did I mention it’s cold?? While I am a winter baby, I’m not too fond of the season. When I was a child I didn’t care, but now that I’m older, my joints and emotions endure a struggle. However since being in this recent state of solving problems, I decided to…

[ab-cogitation]

Entry Nov 15, 2021: Why Does Anxiety Have Me Feeling Sorry For Myself?

I’ve been going to the gym.I cut out dairy and chocolate.My skin is gradually clearing up.I’ve been drinking lots of water. I have my sad moments where I sulk and feel sorry for myself.I allow myself to feel it, feel it all. Like.. struggling to find a job that I can tolerate, a job that pays well, a job who’s schedule doesn’t interfere with my son’s school schedule. Like.. being disappointed…

[ab-cogitation]

Peace of Earth

I’m sitting here… high off an infused coconut oil I made using marijuana, damiana and lavender. What even inspired this infused blend is my knowledge of smoking not being good for my respiratory system, and me experimenting with the shelf of herbs I have in house. My intention with this blend was to help me relax. Calm my nerves and shit, cuz Anxiety and I are currently grieving our break up.…

[ab-cogitation]

Suicide Letter: Regular Days Becoming Holidays That Later Becoming Depression

Suicide Letter: Regular Days Becoming Holidays That Later Becoming Depression

And the thing is….

A person can be telling me the absolute 100% truth and I still wouldn’t believe them. Issues unburied from the past have build this architecture of Insecurities, that by default, are at the forefront in every got damn situation.

Even down to small talk.

I try to avoid that shit. Especially when I’m in “a mood.” That mood usually begin as a calm truth that eventually…

[ab-cogitation]

2019 Ushered In Heart Break for Me In the Sum of Three

I’m not ashamed to mention that I broke my heart twice this year.

The reason I’m saying I did the breaking instead of these men is, because after they showed me who they are, I chose to love them anyway. They didn’t make me do anything.

When I saw their wounds, I were fascinated how artistically layered their scars were that I never judged them. I accepted them where they are.

But the…

[ab-cogitation]

Suicide Letter: My Room Feels Like An Asylum

My living space is the epitome of manic depression. It’s like a gust of wind permeated these walls and caused a tumultuous disorder of my personal belongings.

Shit is scattered with no particular placement.

The only neat item in my room are the leggings enveloped on the floor in the very spot I stood when sliding them off to crawl onto a deflated mattress with old linen..

Surrounded by…

[ab-cogitation]

I Be Talking Queen Shit While Getting Played like a Basic Bitch

I Be Talking Queen Shit While Getting Played like a Basic Bitch

As much as I want to run to the hills and shout out every ounce of Hate I’ve endured from every man that’s been in my womb, Yelling out in fucking angry, wincing agony from every traumatic experience, they’ve experienced, written on my vaginal walls with their dick.

But I cannot be mad at any of them, because they knocked and I let them in.

Kind of like Little Red Riding Hood. Being all…

[ab-cogitation]

Lately I've Been Mad, But Thankfully Not Bitter

Lately I’ve Been Mad, But Thankfully Not Bitter

My anger as a woman, Black Woman, My fury as a mother, Single Mother, My time, My tension, Not to mention all the souls I’ve raised from the dead, The Love I shared, The Love I gave, Because niggas came to me unveiling what hurts them the most, And me nursing their traumas, Showing how much I cared Enginering pathways to pull a nigga out of despair, And yet I get fucked over and told I don’t have…

[ab-cogitation]

Dealing With Loving Folks Who Ain't Loving Me...

Dealing With Loving Folks Who Ain’t Loving Me…

One of the craziest things I’ve ever done was hold on to people I knew didn’t Love me.

I cared too deeply for those that left me feeling despair.

Quite frequently ignored, yet I still explored ways I could make them feel special, important and as if they mattered more than Universal Health Care; Solitude and Sovereignty included.

I’ve Loved really hard and it almost killed me.

I were…

[ab-cogitation]

Basic Ass Life Lessons I Remembered Driving Lyft

When you rushing to get where you don’t wanna be…

And forget your purse that has your favorite lip gloss so you can be popping all throughout the day, and your phone charger so you can stay distracted until leaving where you don’t wanna be…

But for some reason you remembered to grab the bag with your water, apples, journal, a book and a large make up bag filled with colored pencils, pens…

[ab-cogitation]

A Truce Between Me and Seasonal Depression

Looking outside to see Snow got me feeling a little down. Not because I hate the Snow; it’s just that I really enjoy the Sun.

But then I realized that every season exist with reason and AM trying not to be overwhelmed with gloom.

It’s just that winter reminds me of my childhood. Those holidays. Looking forward to attempting to make snow men like the ones I saw in movies.

Densing clusters…

[ab-cogitation]

Self Care for Myself is to Enjoy Being Single

Over the years I’ve been a thirsty bitch for a relationship and pressed for partnerships.

Given the experiences I’ve had in the “dating” arena, gradually I’m getting over it.

The time, the money, the tenderness, the kisses, the bomb ass pussy I’ve rendered got me a little scorned. Scorching from inflammation parting from bitterness.

But who can I really be mad at?

Quite often my…

[ab-cogitation]

I almost wanted to complain about how cold it is this morning, But I don’t have a reason to, because truthfully, I’m happy to be back home in Detroit.

Being here means to embrace all the Seasons and their temperament.

Sometimes the Sun shines and sometimes the Sun need a break, desiring hugs from Clouds. The Sun letting it’s many emotions eject as rain, lightning, snow or to simply seek refuge in the Cloud’s shadow.

See even the Sun knows when to be humble; to stand down, take a step back and be behind the scenes. Likely recharging, resurging then emerging from the night to lead the Moon back to her sanctury. Because the Sun knows that when it’s own inner glow is too bright, it too is blinded. Caught up in the lime lights and lemon drops that it rejects the idea of even lowering itself for recollections which indebted it’s riches. Riches being the fruit of it’s Spirit, its Light, it’s loathing and longing to be recognized beyond warming sensations.

Like how it kisses our skin, draws up sweat and get us in heat to BBQ, bike, bathing suits and seeing the details of one’s frame. A lust we often have no shame in sharing. It’s obvious with how we are staring. Hormones flaring. Emotions blaring like sirens. The kind of vibration that draws courage into hiding and on lookers to confiding with a God they often forget besides Easter, Thanksgiving and Christmas. The inadvertently abuse emitted by the Sun is endless.

Which is why it often hide in Clouds us human call emotions.

Coming back home to Detroit has been just that; A Cloud of emotions. There’s a light in me that has been wired into us all, but quite frequently forgotten victories make us uncloth from our armor. Thus becoming susceptible to being sieged by every vice there is.

I learned this hard truth every time I handed out my still tattered Heart. Instead of bandaids and gauze pads with dressing, I opted to hold my Heart together using left over ribbon from holidays and coating it with Modge Podge and glitter.

I gift wrapped my shit, and stood back in the corner awaiting the receiver to be slapped with the element of surprise.

They thought I was perfect, because I’m pretty. Better yet they assumed that the tenderness in my words meant I would be hesitant to aim where it hurts— Accountability. Moreso towards myself, because people really believed the inner Peace I speak so freely of came without consequence. People really thought that I don’t go through things or make mistakes. Yes I’m prone to a fuck up or 10, but I view this shit as lessons given I choose to be a student.

Like….

Returning home to Detroit from Phoenix with the same amount of money I left with ($150) humbled the fuck out of me, but engulfed me to shame more than any feeling. I were under the impression that I were supposed to return with a lot more money and mantras they recited the spiritual journey I embarked on in the West Coast.

I were supposed to come back feeling like that bitch, but being broke to the point all of my mom friends had to join their coins together to get my ass back to Detroit. Which I’m grateful for that. Totally grateful. Super appreciative and thankful that they came through for me minutely, because I were days away from being put out of my apartment.

Why?

Love.

I thought I found Love in a man who was deep in a union with his childhood issues, manic anger and addiction to cigarettes and meth..

Yes… Meth.

But I tried to Love him anyway. I tried to support him anyway. I tried to make sure every morning was greeting with hot breakfast and sucking his dick on the whim so he’d never feel inclined to ask.

I tried to treat that nigga like a King. A God maybe. I saw beyond his conflicting ass flaws and sought a treaty with his Potential. I tried to nurse his symptoms from withdrawal by diving deep into studying herbs and tantric touches.

I tried to support his moves, no matter how mediocre, by investing in his aesthetics and trying to connect the many dots he failed to revisit.

I tried to Love this man. Be the mother he wished he had. Be the Lover he claimed never existed and be the light, the Sun to conquer his darkness.

I tried so damn hard to be what this man needed that the absence of reciprocity made me bitter. Damn near resentful, not vengeful, but definitely irrational from still keeping him around until he decided to leave cuz the well ran dry; both my pussy and pockets.

How about my sense of self worth?

I let the Sun in Phoenix illuminate a light in me to the degree I were blinded by my own insecurities.

How did I end up so desperate? Breaking my contract with Celibacy? I mean.. Ya girl was 1 year and 4 months in without dick. I were craving a booty rub, but what I wanted was Love. I wantrd to be celebrated and honored in the same fashion as our ancestors honored the Sun and now rever the Son of God named Jesus.

I felt saving this man would equal out our yolks as he unknowingly saved me from being lost in my own darkness. He saved me from loneliness just by being there. His company and conversation alone was enough until that shit became arguments, and drove me away from being at my own apartment— my name on the lease; my money paying the bills; my money putting in groceries; yet he somehow would get an attitude when I returned home too soon to MY place… A place that never felt like my own until he left.

That’s when the weight loss journey took place.

After walking my son to school in the morning, I would walk around the neighborhood with my headphones on. Taking in the scenic sunrise, the mountains and the buzz from busy commuters.

Hike, Hike, Hike

Hiking up North Mountain

Strolling around the water Basin on 10th St

I learned of parks and cool ass places in my neighborhood I didn’t know existed. I started testing out my photography skills. I tried my hand as running around the water basin and sitting on bare land with insects under trees.

I began to adopt the diet of the hummingbirds around me; seeds, nectar from flowers, berries and water.

I observed all the plants, trees and flowers around me. Absorbing their divine nature to get an organic understanding of how I want to be; rooted, budding and blossoming, letting the beauty of my essence be conceived.

Unsure of what this plant is, but it smells good as gawk!

More importantly, I cultivated a relationship with the Sun whom really shed light on who I AM.

Sunrise in North Phoenix

Taking the information downloaded home to create vision boards, a plant based diet and staying in the Rhythm with God through dance, yoga and prayer.

My vision board and cluster of craft supplies that I still regret leaving behind.

Introspection, solidarity and manifesting some shit.

It was through these regimens, practices and form of worship that enabled me to cope with being alone. I had to deal with heartbreak and anger. I had to master the emotions of grief and guilt. I had to really take the time to learn and LOVE ME.

Who I AM…

Phoenix was chosen as a healing space given that it was revealed in my name interpretation rendered by BlaqFire Nation. In my birth name, Ashley, rising from the ashes like the Phoenix is said to be apart of my story in this lifetime. Given that prior to my decision to flee Detroit I endured the death of my mother, were exposed on social media for something personal, and learning that I’ve been my baby daddy’s side bitch all these years, I were in a dire need to escape. And since I were too chicken to commit suicide after contemplating the shit over and over, relocating suited best.

And I dipped out Detroit with $150 and my son who was 4 years old at the time on a mentally excruciating three days on the Greyhound.

The rest is the journey of The Alchemist, which is also the title of a book recommended by a great friend of mine.

It was a parable that spoke to me, because much like the character, Santiago, I too were on a quest to find my treasure and love. I also communicated with the wind, the rain, the Clouds, and the Sun, which all led me to speaking with God.

That is when I learned that the treasure I dreamed of could only be discovered at home, in Detroit…

And I have located that treasure.

It was ME all along. It was ME that I found.

So while I don’t possess the material monetary shit that society says define who my status, I own something greater, more profound and infinite—It is the realization that I can only save myself. It’s a knowing that regardless of who or what I encounter, I only have control over me and that is more than manageable.

So while I wanted to complain about the cold weather, grey skies and the Sun playing hide n seek with a nigga after being spoiled in a city where the Sun shines boastfully 300 days a year, the coldest it get is 40 degrees at night during winter month (yes literally a month of cold), and no snow? I ALMOST wanted to regret returning.

You see what comparison does right? It generates a divide in the spectrum, thus taking away the Light that all is worthy of experiencing. Shit even the darkness want to be enveloped in the Sun’s grace.

The Sun… I’m so grateful for it’s solar power. It’s a star that’s assisted with my personal evolution. It’s been the formula to my countless issues. Being in the Sun, feeling the Sun; gazing at the Sun; it’s been my saving grace. Interesting how the simple things, most of which is taken for granted, become the epitome of our healing. Much gratitude to the TRUE SUN of GOD.

Had I not left Detroit, who knows where I’d be mentally…

Can’t ponder on the hypotheticals tho as they’ll strip away where I AM NOW.

Speaking of now… I went from 190 lbs to a solid one fiddy.

I had a great solo Hot Girl Summer. Bike riding, river running and being grounded by Mother Earth to be refined in feminine energy.

The journey continues….

#ABCogitation

Heartbreak and the Sun Saved Me: A Narrative on why I Returned to Detroit I almost wanted to complain about how cold it is this morning,But I don't have a reason to, because truthfully, I'm happy to be back home in Detroit.

[ab-cogitation]

You Cannot Choose For Anyone

Love,

You can rescue a person from the roaring infinite waters;

Shelter them from a mob of enemies;

Set up an altar that can manifest in their life endless prosperity;

Pray to all the Gods, Deities and summon the Archangels to aid in their healing,

Perform ancient rituals hoping to cure their wounds;

Preach the gospel of the disciples, Proverbs from all continents, and quote the most in depth…