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admirableschism · 5 years

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Chronicles of a bad Mom

I often find myself wondering if I’m a bad mom. I mean, we all have an image in our mind of what kind of mother we will be one day. I imagined being the kind you see on television; healthy, hard working, great at cleaning and caring for the kids. Then we get pregnant and do everything we can to make sure our fetus thrives in our womb; we change our diets, stop smoking, stop drinking with the exception of the occasional eight ounces of wine approved by our doctor then feel guilty for drinking it.

Time goes so fast for the first few months and then feels like it is dragging once that third trimester hits. We are so ready to give birth. “Come on baby, I can’t wait to meet you.” All the while we freak out every time we feel like its been hours since the baby kicked. Then it happens and boy how different it is for each mom and for each baby, time for baby to be come. I was so scared, but it was so exciting at the same time. I could not wait to meet my baby boy.

I had a 17 hour labor. This is where it all begins. Most moms can remember what time their baby was born and how much they weighed, down to the ounces, but not me. I don’t know why I am so broken, but that's the first time I felt it. I’m a bad mom already and he just got here...

My labor I thought was going to be normal turned out to be everything except normal. I was going to try to go natural. The contractions got worse as I was given more and more Pitocin. May I add, no one ever discussed the dangers of Pitocin during my labor? I was told we needed it, but after my labor and delivery I truly believe Pitocin is the reason my labor went south. I then opted to get the epidural. The pain was getting worse and I was not dilating fast enough. The epidural helped me calm down as it reduced the pain greatly. Time started really dragging on now. Hours went by and I was not dilating past 7cm. The doctors came in and tried to flip me from one side to the other, not explaining much of why. Then the doctor came in with my contractions sheet and tried to explain to me that things were bad. My baby was losing oxygen and my health was declining. I remember cutting her off and asking what it was we needed to do. That’s when she told me the only option was an emergency caesarean. “Let’s go” was all I could respond.

I was rolled into the operating room so fast, I couldn’t even tell you how I got there, they worked so quick. I was petrified at this point. All I remember asking at this point was “Where is my wife?” Yes, my wife. You read that correctly. All I wanted was her by my side. They told me she couldn’t come in until they cut me open. It was not long before he was out and we waited for his cry. It took him a minute, but that cry was the most amazing sound I have ever heard in my entire life.

Fast forward to recovery. It was so hard. I had to stay in the hospital for a few days. We struggled. Ezra, my baby boy... He wouldn’t feed from me. No matter what I did I couldn’t get him to eat. Finally after two days the nurse got him to drink formula from a bottle. Such a bad mother, I couldn’t even provide food for my own baby. Ezra wouldn’t latch on to my nipple. We tried nipple shields, we tried different feeding positions, even had two different breast feeding specialists try to help me. How humiliating it was, everyone knowing I couldn't feed my own baby. I’m a bad mom.

Fast forward and go home, get settled in with my newborn baby. My wife got two weeks off of work and I was so lucky to have her support. Could not imagine going through it alone. Though, the first few weeks are the easiest. Baby spends most of his time eating and sleeping. I sleep when he sleeps, it works out well. I needed her help through the healing more than needing help with Ezra. I could barely sleep because I couldn't get comfortable, I remember sleeping in the recliner most nights, she pulled it in to the bedroom so I wouldn't have to sleep in the living room alone. Caesarean recovery is not easy.

I lied to my doctors at my checkups. Do they really read those sheets any way? The ones that ask about if we have a hard time coping as a new parent, sleeping, mood swings, etc? I lied because I was scared. Scared they would see me as unfit and put me on medicine or take my baby. I regret lying. I wish I would have told the truth. How hard it was to miss the feels of his kicks and hiccups inside me, how many times I thought of killing myself while I was driving to work, but I was too weak to be honest with my doctors. I am a bad mom.

Ezra was probably a month old. He wasn’t sleeping well, most likely due to his milk allergy, which I had to fight doctors to diagnose him with by the way. He would cry with gas every night and one night, it broke me. I couldn't get him to stop. I’m his mom and I couldn’t get him to stop. I handed him to my wife, flipped the bassinet- diapers and wipes flew everywhere, and I just stormed out into the living room in tears. Sat on my couch thinking about how much of a bad mom I was, I couldn't calm my own baby or help his pain ease. How I am struggling to bond with the very life I grew in my womb. I am a bad mom.

Fast forward to now. Today Ezra is two weeks away from being two. I am not the mother I dreamed of being. I don’t live the healthiest lifestyle, I don’t clean as much as I should, and I can tell you many more stories of why I feel like a bad mom. I could go on for days, but I love my baby more than anything and would give my life for him. I often believe I will do everything in my power to try to be a great mom, but I will always find my flaws as a parent and until the day I die I will find reasons to call myself a bad mom and we are all human and humans are not perfect. If you ever felt this way as a mother. I need you to know that is what makes you a great mom, because a bad mom would never care enough to wonder if she is a good mom or not.

Sincerely,

Margaret Warren- A “bad” mom.

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