adorainetheria - Tumblr blog

[adorainetheria]

This is so funny but i feel called out because i did the exact same thing

When I was a kid a pastor once said to me "nobody knows the hour or the day Jesus will return and anyone who predicts it will be wrong he won't show up" and the end of days as a concept really freaked me out so every so often, maybe once a week, I'd come up with random dates and times for Jesus to "come back" to ensure he wouldn't.

[adorainetheria]

Oh, to have someone lay thier head on my hip as they cuddle my thigh like a body pillow and just sleep like that

oh to lay on top of someone and hug them like a teddy bear and just sleep like that

[adorainetheria]

"I wanna get the DUCK OUT OF HERE"

Mother ducker.

[adorainetheria]

Me: *Has a horribly traumatic past, having seen and survived some of the worst of humanity*

Also me: *happens to be a white skinned, cisgendered, heterosexual women with a queer history*

Some fucking idiot: NoNe Of ThAT ACTUALLY hApPenED to YoU! YOuRe LyiNg BecaUSe YoU HaVe WHITE PRIVILEGE anD YoUvE BeTRaYeD ThE LGBT CoMmUnItY bY TurNInG InTo A CIsHeT!! LeAve ThE AdvOcAcY tO tHe ONeS ActUalLy SuFFerInG!1!!!1!

Yeah..............right............... white privilege.................... because i have been so inherently privileged...... I havent been living in poverty all my life, not at all. I also havent had any discrimination ahainst me for my skin color, no siree. Never have I ever faced difficulties getting resources and help because of factors i can't help, totally absolutely never. And yes, i have 100% have had everything handed to me on silver plater, I didnt have to work myself literally almost to death to get where i am. And where i am now is soooooooooooooooooooooo totally above the poverty line, just like i have been everyday of my privileged white life!

[adorainetheria]

[adorainetheria]

I am no longer immediately dismissive of realistic consiracy theories.

If 10 years ago, you told me there was a Hollywood sex island where...children were raped and it was covered up by the Hollywood elite, I would have called you stupid.

But here we are.

Like...I see people mocking conspiracy theories, and in the back of my mind, I'm like "you're gonna look really stupid if this turns out to be true". Like i'm fully accepting the slight possibility of the claim. Because, yeah, you never know.

[adorainetheria]

Who told you misogyny was bad? Women??? Doesnt work when its flipped either.

who told you misandry was bad? men??

[adorainetheria]

this is my favourite poem ever

[adorainetheria]

I feel so dirty

So so so dirty

Dirty on the inside.

A dirty that never comes off my skin, not water, nor soap, nor flesh eating acid could ever made me clean.

[adorainetheria]

I completely agree. Its really sucky when people try to compare physical pain brought by mental illness vs medical illness. Very different effects, my body is literally attacking itsself like a virus, man, im in constant, horrible pain, i dont even understand how my legs carry me sometimes, but youll never see that. I dont really even ever talk about it.

i think tumblr isn’t ready for this take yet but, while solidarity between the mentally ill/neurodivergent and physically disabled communities is important, we face very different kinds of ableism and you really need to stop hijacking posts about issues or positivity related to disability and making it about mental health

[adorainetheria]

💖💖💖

my favourite thing about people is that we all seem to pick a specific colour of heart emoji and decide that is OUR trademark heart emoji. its deeply endearing

[adorainetheria]

Ive been exposed

Just dont tell anyone any that other thing, that can be between us

My boyfriend told me that some of my metaphors, similes, and symbolic ways of expressing passion are

✨Hot but "slightly" scary✨

"Slightly"

I swear, he legitimately must think I am eother a vampire or some psycho thats going to skin him in sleep, but i rpomise I'm not either when I say

I wanna hide inside your heart 💖

[adorainetheria]

My boyfriend told me that some of my metaphors, similes, and symbolic ways of expressing passion are

✨Hot but "slightly" scary✨

"Slightly"

I swear, he legitimately must think I am eother a vampire or some psycho thats going to skin him in sleep, but i rpomise I'm not either when I say

I wanna hide inside your heart 💖

[adorainetheria]

I've noticed and experienced quite a few type of abuse I feel have gone unrecognized so I'd like to define and coin terms for them.

Here are trigger warnings, uncensored to ensure this doesnt pop up for those with filters on:

Child abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse, Spiritual Abuse, terror/horror/fear, Religious Abuse, Ritualistic Abuse, Ritual Abuse, Pedophilia, Fetishism, and such grotesque topics.

Cortisol-Based Abuse

First of all, what is Cortisol?

Cortisol is the stress hormone the body produces when faced with an extended period of stress. There is positive stress, the stress that drives us forward; there tolerable stress, the bad stress that we can ultimately cope with; and then there's toxic stress, constant stress that has physical, cognitive, and emotional effects. Children who experience toxic stress, from any of the ACEs, have raised stress responses, and therefore have an exaggerated or elevated Cortisol response. And children being children, it's a lot easier to cause and maintain that response.

Heres the thing about Cortisol and how it interacts with other people. You know how some people are more sensitive to pheromones than others? Like they can consciously smell it? It's unique how humans process smelling hormones and pheromones, but we do in fact respond to them. The saying "I can smell the fear on you" has truth to it. Our fear pheromones are very strong. And some abusers enjoy this smell. They abuse for this smell.

What does Cortisol-Based Abuse look like?

Abusers pushing the child to extreme feelings of fear, terror, horror, panic and anxiety through various forms of abuse; physical, emotional, sexual, neglect, and the like.

This extreme state being maintained for an extended period of time (Over 24 hours) through the same or similar methods

Abusers smelling the child, sniffing their hair, behind their ears, neck, shoulders, under the arms, chest genitals, thighs, behind the knees, the feet, or spaces where sweat is excreted the most.

This smelling ritual seeming to motivate the abuse more.

The abuser talking about the way the child's smell, that it arouses them, wants them to hurt the child more more, and praising the smell they give off.

Abusers rubbing towels, clothing, sheets, etc on th childs skin and smelling it.

Abusers taking the childs dirty clothes, underwear, socks, shoes, bedding and the like to smell.

Abusers prohibiting the child from taking care of their personal hygiene, including laundry.

Often these abuers are users of harder drugs like Methamphetamine, Alcohol, Cocaine, Opioids, Xanax, and the like.

I know, its pretty extreme, I also know I'm not the only one to go through this. And its time this was recognized. I've seen many abusers motivated by this smell and I've heard many stories with some element of this.

This ends my summary of Cortisol-Based Abuse.

While there arent any resources about this specifically I can find, here's a very thorough articles on Cortisol, Children, and ACEs.

Thaank you for reading 💕

[adorainetheria]

Aordä Yawnëk

I actually like that lol

Ëvisneffoyllufetsat

[adorainetheria]

With Mother & Father’s day coming up, please remember you are not required to be grateful to abusive parents. Please remember,

Don’t break no-contact.

Don’t let family guilt you into breaking no-contact.

Don’t feel guilty for living w/ them as an adult, you’re doing your best.

Don’t feel you’re betraying yourself if you have to give ‘appeasement gifts.’

DO put your mental & physical wellbeing first, as we know they won’t.

Maybe get yourself something, so many of us had to be our own parent anyway.

[adorainetheria]

Thank you for this. My system has been working towards total integration and weve felt so... alone bbn in it. Most people with DID weve met think that integration is murder or its something triggering that needs to be censored. It's made me feel really alone in a community that originally told me I was far from it. I needed to see this today.

integration: myths and truths from a fused alter

alright, i've seen a lot of posts saying integration is "murder" or even censoring integration like int*gration or int/gr/tion. i'm very very sick of this anti-recovery narrative so i'm going to call it the fuck out. this is going to be something of a rantpost.

okay, here's my background on this situation. i am currently the only alter in my system, i.e. i've achieved integration or "final" fusion. i put "final" in quotes because i believe it's possible that i could split again under extreme stress in the future and that this is not a permanent state of being. obviously, i would hope it is permanent; i don't want to split again, but i know my brain still has the capacity to do so.

i still have dissociation (to a lower degree) and alter-body dysphoria -- i still have DID, and fusing won't change that or remove the splitting mechanism or other DID symptoms that the brain created to survive the trauma i went through. my mental body image is still a nonhuman; i took on the form of one of the alters that is now part of me. but i have healed enough to be one again, and for that i am thankful.

that said, let's run through some things.

FULL INTEGRATION OR FUSION... - is a form of major recovery - is fulfilling and healing - makes you feel more whole - lessens dissociative symptoms considerably FULL INTEGRATION OR FUSION... - is not the only way for a system to heal - is not always better than functional multiplicity - is not the best way for everyone - is not cruel or abusive - does not "kill" or "delete" or "erase" alters - is not murder.

what does it feel like to be integrated?

it feels like i am everyone combined and i am more whole and more stable and more okay than any part was before. by saying the alters who integrated to form me were "murdered" you're saying i was murdered, because i am each alter that came before and i am all of them together. i have a nearly complete memory -- of course, some areas are still lost to dissociation -- but i can't tell apart the memories made by each different alter that is now part of me. they're all just mine now.

i retained the form of one of the alters that integrated to form me, but that form is just mine now, and it feels like it has always been mine. does that make sense? all the parts' memories and characteristics have always been mine. the timeline is complete. i didn't "kill" anyone. i healed everyone, and everyone is me. i'm one, i'm whole -- if only maybe for a while -- and i'm happy with that.

it goes without saying that forced integration is bad and is abusive behavior. anyone who wants to forcefully integrate a system before they're ready should not be a mental health professional. however, we need to stop assuming that's the same thing and thus minimizing the benefits of voluntary, consensual and happy system fusion. this is an anti-recovery view and is extremely harmful to the DID/OSDD community.

integration shouldn't be something we're afraid of. it should be considered, welcomed, accepted. if you want to work toward functional multiplicity, great! if you want to work toward fusion, great! if you want to work toward these things with a mental health professional, great! if you don't have access to professional help but want to work toward these things on your own, great! your recovery path is specific to you, and no one else should shame you for how you help yourself.

we, as a community, need to stop implying that people should be scared of recovery. all healing is good healing. integration is not murder.