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if i can’t find the cure i’ll fix you with my love

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May 8th

I know, I know. I'm a shit show and haven't updated my intrigued readers on my ever so glamorous life. My Friday was pretty blah. My Saturday was pretty filled with family. It was my cousin's baby Mama's baby shower which is alright. It was chill but I wasn't in a good mood. I won two of the games and got some prizes. Pretty sweet. I was pretty irritated. I got a text from a cute waiter from Dennys that day which was pretty fucking cool. Afterwards my mom asked if I wanted to Blaze and took me to Blaze Pizza. Heeeeella good pizza. Then I came home and just cleaned my house. My Sunday was expectedly unexpected. I hung out with an old new friend and I had a good time. I was thrown into a vast confusion and shrouded in mystery. I've never not been able to read someone before. I had a great time though. It was definitely exactly what I needed. Goodnight internet.

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May the Fourth Be with You

I'm sorry I didn't post an update yesterday. It was kind of a long day where a lot of things happened. I called out from work so I could get some rest for what was going to happen later. I slowly began to get ready, smoked & got my act together. My roommates and my good friend, Tommy, picked us up and took us to Mr. Fearon's memorial service. It will probably forever be the most beautiful amazing service I have ever seen. There were students there from way back in '01 to as recent as '15. My good friend, we'll call him M.c., came and I knew he would. He loved Fearon so dam much. Everyone did. There were teachers there and old friends and family. I sat down and looked at my pamphlet when I realized that Mr. Fearon put his own service together. He mailed out letters of what he wanted said by people or letting them know that he wanted them to speak. Every single one of his wive's sisters came up and told stories and I learned of different sides of Fearon that I didn't know he had. Some students even went up to the podium (each one of them batting the microphone aside as Thespians do not need those silly things) and said a few words. After the service we all got together after at the high school and all one at a time spoke to Mom. That's what we call Mr. Fearon's wife because she was our Mom. Our theater Mom. After that we were handed a little white candle to keep the light in our darkness. We all got together in one last big circle and had one last closing circle. We passed around a quarter and put our love for Tom in that quarter. Once it reached its way around the circle and came back to Mom we let Mom have that coin. We lit our candles one by one and said our Goodbyes to the great Tom Fearon. After we blew out our candles we all looked around at each other and slowly started chanting: "Show time!" Until it grew into a mighty roar and screamed in the air with our hands up. M.c. stood next to me the whole time in our circle. Even held me at one point when we began crying. After that was Denny's. It was all a night of tradition and beauty. I've missed that love and it was bittersweet to feel it again. The entire time we all had a feeling that something was just missing. Our teacher. My candle is sitting on my desk with my Thespian Troupe #6055 pin to forever remind me of my beloved teacher and adopted Father. R.I.P. Charles "Tom" Fearon "And welcome to this, another day in the life of the world, another link in the golden chain that binds us all together." I'll post an update on my beloved cousin, Megan, tomorrow. Love you Tumblr.

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😍😍😍

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May 02, 2017

Everything just feels so surreal. I’m going Mr. Fearon’s funeral tomorrow which I didn’t think I would be going to for a very long, long time. This man taught me everything I know about respect and an appreciation for other’s peoples passions as well as my own. Mr. Fearon was one of the only teachers to ever actually see something in me, see my potential. He never gave up on me even when I gave up on myself.

My paternal family are still fighting and arguing over my cousin. In a time of love, remembrance, and togetherness we are arguing. It’s astounding to me that people can be so nasty in a time like this.

I was offered a new job today working for a company with my Aunt. It’s very business-ee and office-ee. I was going to attempt to binge watch as much as the Office as I can before I start May 22nd. Two days after my birthday that is! 

I mean not much really else happened today......my roommate and my self sat in the living room in our sports bras and shorts, reminisced about our old teacher and filling her in on my cousin while...uhm...relaxing?

It’s a short post but I mean why not?

Nothing still from my ex. I don’t know why I keep hoping that he is going to text me? He will never. And you know,,,,,I think that’s okay. I believe that door closed when he decided to get married for all the wrong reasons.

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Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog

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May 1st 2017

It was a sad morning for my family. I wake up at 3:15am for my job every Monday through Friday and this Monday morning I woke up to a message from someone I didn’t have on my Facebook. I had to accept this person message. They were asking if I know my cousin. Do you know this girl? Call her brother, call your cousin. Turns out my beautiful cousin, Megan, died last night in a car accident in Alabama where she was living and making a new life for herself. I called my mother who then took over the reigns on contacting the family. I get what I need to do done at work and I informed my temporary manager of my two losses, she was not sympathetic at all, and I went home hella early. I was only at work for a little over two hours. Since my family is spread out all over the country my other cousin, the big sister, arranged a group message on Facebook. Long story short, there was family drama and if you can believe it, an argument over what was going to happen with her body. Let’s just say that her parents are not the best of people. I lost two people that I loved within the same 24 hours. It’s been a long day and this week is going to be an even looooonger week. Things to keep me busy until I get to Colorado I guess.. My teacher’s memorial is this Wednesday. I’m leaving work early that day so I can be there for my theater family. Today was exceptionally hard on me after losing such a great man and a huge influence on my young adulthood life and then my cousin. My Facebook feed has been nothing but remorse, condolences, love, and kind words. Every time I log on to my Facebook I see Tom's face or my cousin Megan's. Such a tragic two losses. Both too soon to leave this world. I texted my ex about my losses. No response. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ R.I.P. Tom Fe***n R.I.P. Megan Be***n

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That's me.

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April 30th, 2017

Hello everyone,

    My name is Sami Louise and I'm just your pretty average typical young adult emo/goth/scene/punk/alternative/what the hell ever you would like to call me, person. I've decided to make a visible online blog for everyone to read so I could get my thoughts and ideas out in the world. Maybe it will help me to not want to kill myself so much. No, I'm not joking. I'm an ex-cutter and for the first time in a long time I am being forced to actually deal with my shit myself while trying not to slice myself up.

    I guess for my first entry I should basically summarize how my life is going right now.

    My life took a massive shit on me back in November of last year. November 23rd to be exact. I remember because it was my mother's birthday and the night before Thanksgiving. My boyfriend of four years (with a minor 7 month break due to me and my fear of commitment) was supposed to be coming over. I cleaned my room. I woke from a nap and it was 6pm..no messages from him. I felt this terrible dread in my stomach, like something was wrong but I just didn't know what. I texted him.

“Hey when are you coming over?” I texted him.

“I've been thinking a lot lately.”

Oh no. I thought.

“Good or bad thoughts...?”

“Bad.”

“About...us?”

“Yeah.”

    I at this point call him because my heart was imploding in my chest. I couldn't think straight. I told him I couldn't understand what he was saying because he was crying so hard. I told him I was coming over (which was a half hour drive for me.) to pick up all of my things and talk about this in person. I mean, he owed me just that. If he was going to finally end this after a good long four years, it was going to be in person. I remember as I was putting my shoes on I kept screaming curses. “DICK!” & “ASSHOLE!” You know, your basic insults.

    ��On the drive to his house I just kept thinking about how I was going to move to Colorado as soon as I save up enough money for it. I was finally ready to give into my mother's many requests and hints and join her and my brother, father, and niece out there to begin a new life. Have a fresh start. Get away from California for good. There is nothing left for me here but good, bad memories.

    It was your standard break up. He was wearing the blue plaid button up shirt I had gotten him for our Anniversary not even ten days earlier. He looked so good. It was a “It's not you it's me” type break up. He even used the ever so classic, “I love you but I'm not in love with you.” speech. I admit though, I  did punch his legs and arms a couple times. I was so mad. I cried, he cried, he held me. I sacked up, finished packing up my things & I put them in my car. We kiss goodbye and I drove off.

     Now, that same night I didn't want to be home alone because I knew for sure that if I was alone I was really going to kill myself. I hit up an old-time friend, David. I went over to his house and we talked until 1am the next morning. He made me laugh and made me feel good. David and I used to date a long time ago back in 2011. He was my one that got away and still to this day is the hottest person I've ever slept with. He ended up being a good friend of mine after I quit hating him after we broke up. I like having David in my corner fighting for me. He always has my back and is honest with me. After that night we began to hang out like every weekend there for like a month and he made me feel so invincible. His school year started up after that and we barely see each other now but I make sure that we remain talking because he will always be in my thoughts and my heart that's for sure.

    Two weeks after my ex and I broke up and we said we were going to be friends still, a mutual friend of ours gave me heads up saying that my ex had began dating someone else, I shortly found out after this that the mystery girl ended up being his band's old manager. I met her a couple times in the end. This girl apparently is so terrible that no one wants to be around her. All my mutual friends that used go to his house a lot don't really do anymore. She has MS and is apparently dying, even though I know people who have had MS and lived for a long, long time. She makes my ex do absolutely everything for her, she is a 4 in the dating scale when I am at least a 6. Well I promised my friend I wouldn't say anything. And I didn't. Until my ex started calling me out on his twitter passive aggressively. Turns out one of our mutual friends on two of my social media outlets was telling him stories about how I was fucking some guy named Luke. I know one Luke, he commented something sweet on my facebook on one of my post-breakup posts. I hadn't seen this guy for at least a year at this time. They also mentioned a snap I took of me laying on David's bed, fully clothed, make up and hair on point, talking to David. Apparently that means I was sleeping with him. After a long fight my ex and I decided to not talk anymore.  

      I left some of my things at his place since I was angerly packing I missed some things. We made a date for my to come and pick them up. I got all done up, banging actually, got my sexy ass in the car and began driving to his place. I was ready to have some closure and say goodbye. Leave him pining after what he lost but as I’m getting off the freeway he texts me saying that my stuff was in a box on his porch and I can just walk up and get them. I begged for him to come outside and say goodbye but he said apparently he wasn’t home. I got to his house and his car was there. I walked up to his porch. Grabbed my box, And went back into the car and drove home crying the whole way. We haven’t spoken since. 

    In January of this year I was diagnosed with a slightly rare skin disease called Lichen Planus.

“Lichen planus (LP) is a disease characterized by itchy reddish-purple polygon-shaped skin lesions on the lower back, wrists, and ankles.[1] It may also present with a burning sensation in the mouth, and a lattice-like network of white lines near sites of erosion (Wickham striae). The cause is unknown, but it is thought to be the result of an autoimmune process with an unknown initial trigger. There is no cure, but many different medications and procedures have been used in efforts to control the symptoms.”

    In August of  I began to get a rash all over my body after I returned from one of my ex's band's shows in Willits, Ca. I thought it was poison ivy because apparently it was all over that place. I had itchy bumps all over my body for about three months out the end of my relationship with my ex and when I was finally diagnosed after seeing four different doctors and five months all together, I texted him. I heard nothing back.

    I'm fine now, after being treated with UV rays my rash has dropped down to %80 which was the goal. It's starting to form in my mouth but that's nothing a good ointment won't take care of...results to come.

    Everything was pretty basic between then and now. I tried dating again but it ended up being pointless and just not worth my effort right now. I attempted to try and take a 23 year old virgin's Vcard  but after he tried to argue with me about how fast we were moving (making out and oral) twice, at the second time I was like fuck this, I do not have the time. So I ended that. I tried talking to a guy I met before meeting my ex and he figured that since we had sex 5 years ago then that just means we can start back up right from where we left off and got mad at me because I got mad at him for always asking for sex from me and telling him no. Nice guy. I started talking to a friend of one of the two mutual friends with the ex but even that guy ended up being a lying douche bag who only wanted sex from me too. Like, I am a person here. Not just a vagina for you to come and fuck when it's convenient for you. So I gave up on dating California boys. I'll think about picking up dating again when I move to Colorado. I hope my Colorado boy will have a beard. And a man bun. Man buns are my guilty pleasures.

    This weekend shows up and I am hanging out with a couple friends from Woodland. I was informed that my ex has married the band manager. Why? Not because of true love, no. They are married because her parents hate my ex so much that they cut her off from all the money they give her (they are rich af) and took her off of their health insurance and knowing my ex, he probably felt bad and let her talk him into getting married so she can be on his health insurance. Apparently she does heroin now too.

My ex has been ignoring my texts for almost five months now. He either reads and ignores them, deletes them right away, changed his number, or blocked mine because he never replies. I texted him today though.

“I know you're ignoring my text messages or have blocked my number from your phone or even laugh at what I send you sometimes but something about messaging this number gives me serenity at these hard times. Do I wish more than anything in this world that you would talk to me? Yes. There is so much that I want to tell you. So many good things. I think I like the silence, however. It helps me to realize how gone you are from me. That I will never have you back in my life. As much as I wish that was different. As an ex-girlfriend it makes me happy knowing the things I know but, as a friend, I am worried about you. It's so weird having such strong contradictory feelings for someone. On one hand I'm happy and on the other I worry about you on the daily. I hope that you are doing okay and when you are ready to have a true friend fighting for you in your corner, I hope you'll have the peace in your heart long enough to talk to me. I give very good advice and I'm a great listener. Anyways, I hope that you are okay.”

And no reply, of course.

    My old high school theater director passed away today. A man that taught me so much and had such an impact on my life is now gone. I hope he is finally at peace riding a huuuuuge dragon. He loves dragons.

R.I.P. Tom Fearon.

We will all miss you.