alekaknightt - Tumblr blog

[alekaknightt]

you have to let yourself be a weird woman or you will not survive

[alekaknightt]

Suzanne Collins was really pissed when she saw all those edits of Snow as ‘daddy’ and whatever other bullshit after the TBOSAS movie, sat down at her laptop again and started typing “let’s see if you get the message now when HE KILLS 47 CHILDREN”

[alekaknightt]

pov: it's 2009. there is a new hunger games book coming out that you're really excited for except iTS NOT 2009 ITS LITERALLY 2024 AND WE'RE GETTING ANOTHER ONE

[alekaknightt]

the world is beautiful but, i don’t deserve to be in it , i just want to be

in it.

[alekaknightt]

imprints of what you love to leave sore on your neck, i lay my head down on your chest knowing when you wake you’ll forget

aleka

[alekaknightt]

washed away

i have a memory in mind, i often find myself traveling there all the time, its mid afternoon im with my older brother we’re watching cartoons, i can feel the warmth from the sun onto the carpet, i just sit there cross legged with him, i feel safe, i feel at home, i laugh with him, and then he leaves and plays with his friends, i still sit there mindlessly, i twirl my hair, play with my hands, grab a snack, do my homework,

wonder..

wait.

dream…

i feel childhood memories as if they’re a beautiful portrait of imagery and watercolored languid love and life is the storm that you find when you go outside and see bits washed away and every night and every time you wake up another piece has washed away and yet..

you can still see it. but only ever in your mind.

you go and try with the same colors and the same freefall thinking but it never comes out right, never can seem to recreate it the same, its there but only slightly.

different.

washed away.

you have all the colors and broken links of chalk but its too difficult, too much pressure to try and get it exact. and yet too afraid to create something new.

we’re in the car, me, my mom, my two brothers. we’re driving around the same city we all know, its mid afternoon again, pumped up kicks is on the radio, it’s dream pop melody with the same chatter from my family and the glow the sun is emitting from back of car as if it’s setting the scene fills my chest with the same safety and comfort i can’t put into words. i can’t remember anything but the feeling. a feeling i always thought would be there.

washed away.

my mom comes home with a dvd one night , “coraline”, my brother thinks its dumn and goes to play video games, im intrigued, excited, and yet terrified of something new. i loved it and had nightmares for two weeks.

14 years later im 17, its anniversary is playing in theaters again, i walk in excited, the same excitement i remember feeling the first time i ever watched it, and as i sit down i feel as if im sitting with a younger me, im entranced, jittery, and as the credits role i realize I’ve never felt more alone.

washed away.

all of grandmas i credit to help shaping my childhood. don’t want me around anymore. my conversations feel forced, burdening. my chest feels tight and mind scattered. i don’t know what to say anymore. my full cheeks and all toothy grin and wild curls can’t speak for me anymore. i think of them now with a 6 years old heart.

washed away.

talking with my brothers is different. i weirdly know them better, i can gather all the tools to start to understand, and yet it breaks me so much more when i do, they have so much pain and anger, i don’t feel safe as i once did, because i realize it’s all gone.

washed away.

i wake up alongside my little sister, i see the mop of light brown blonde curls, i see big brown eyes sunken with sleep, long graphic pjs, i see her as she breaks out into the same all knowing toothy grin i once had, her face says it all, she’s inspired, she’s safe, she’s ready for the day.

washed away but excited to draw again.

my childhood was magical. i believed in everything and nothing. the good in everyone. fearless. excited for everday. i don’t know if that feeling will ever come back. i felt safe, wrapped in warm blankets of comfort, the same happiness and excitement you get after swimming all day and you start to eat and then fall asleep, content. i wonder where it all went sometimes.

because between here and there i stopped crying out of pain and started crying being filled with so much pain, between here and there i stopped wanting hugs because i never felt as if anyone ever wanted to hug me as much as i did, between here and there i stopped wearing purple and pink because too much color was loud and repressive, like listening to happy music when you’re sad. between here and there i stopped letting my stomach hang out and stopped not caring about my appearance, between here and there my curls were reduced to straight, all teeth smile now a tight lipped grin.

between here and there and everywhere it all washed away

just washed away

aleka

[alekaknightt]

[alekaknightt]

there it is again, that feeling that keeps me up until the sun is, the feeling that leaves me frozen until my blood is, the feeling that reminds me im not a kid anymore

the lights flashing for them, the hats in the air, and im just trying to stay alive, is it ever fair?

the dresses in meridian light, the laughter down the hall, and im just trying not to make my mother receive “the call”

the lights flashing for them, the hats in the air, and im just trying to stay alive, is it ever fair?

the books glistening with memories, the roll of paper marking a milestone, while i shake in the bathtub frozen in the unknown, god i’ve never felt more alone

they’ll walk across the stage while i convulse in a cage of my own mind, i thought childhood was supposed to be kind, im scared of what i’ll find if i step out of my head, but i honestly thought by now i’d be dead.

-aleka

[alekaknightt]

and im standing in a graveyard of people that i fell in love with that passed on by and yet i was too still to notice them perish

-aleka.

[alekaknightt]

If you truly knew how hard it was and how long it took some people to get their mental health, peace, and happiness back, you'd understand why they shut their doors at the slightest sniff of toxicity – and why they're picky af about who they let into their lives.

[alekaknightt]

“And if you call me at 4 am, too sad to even say hello, I will listen to your silence until you fall asleep.”

— Unknown

[alekaknightt]

And all of a sudden, i felt really tired. like the world has drained me for everything that i had

[alekaknightt]

My biggest fear is that eventually you will see me the way I see myself.

[alekaknightt]

“I do not fear death.I fear dying incomplete”

— Levon Peter Poe

[alekaknightt]

i really wonder why is it that i can't let go of someone who already let go of me...

- nick <3

[alekaknightt]

“Be the love you never received.”

— Rune Cazuli

[alekaknightt]

– Audrey Hepburn