aliyah-alejandro

[aliyah-alejandro]

where is 'home' ?

"What is taking you so long to choose what to bring? Do not bring clutter, those are not important anyways. Just the ones you need that can fit in the balikbayan box is enough," my mother berated me as I stared at the big pile accumulating in front of me. She has been asking me repeatedly for twenty minutes yet I only sorted at least half of what I really want to bring to our supposed  'new home'. 

Not much of an impressive progress to her (I am not a fast packer, you see) but the on-going turmoil within me seemed more important than minding what could be the biggest turning point of my life. 

I am not new to packing for trips, for long-week vacations, or for temporary visits to provinces where relatives I rarely meet except during holidays reside. I am not new to packing the usual toiletries, eco-friendly notebooks I asked for every Christmas Party that is barren of words and cartoon-themed towels that barely dry the surface of your skin but keep anyway because towels are great. Yet, for some reason at that moment, I can barely choose between a cream-colored top and simple graphic tee as casual clothes. Moving houses are indeed a huge step towards change.

It was the month of December in the year 2021. The air was cold, as usual. Everyone can finally feel the spirit of Christmas after living for two years of social isolation and families can finally gather together without the fear of disease. It was such a joyous moment, a sign of progress that things are going to go back to how it used to be. I was happy. I liked to believe I was, yet looking back on it, I cannot say I was happy of change, of the uncertain, of the future. In fact, I was terrified. 

Terrified was not the only emotion I felt. There was also guilt and regret. Guilt that I took advantage of the years of not really living in the moment with the people I hold dear to me and regret that there was only limited time to say goodbye. It turns out it was not just me who was not ready for change. Before I knew it, I was boarding a plane on the way to my new home, staring at my empty Messenger inbox at three in the morning after sending my last goodbyes out of boredom while waiting. 

The morning we landed, I realized something on the way to the apartment we were supposed to be staying in while looking out the cab window: Everything is so green. So lush of vegetation which was very different from where I grew up. There were fields beyond fields of green, tall trees that loomed over and provided just enough shade from the blistering sun. Of course, there were also stories of buildings and hotels that you can only see flourishing in the city. Strangely enough, there was relief and a new sense of excitement that ignited within me. Everything immediately felt familiar. At first, I did not understand why I even felt uneasy because I can see myself doing fine in living here. It was new but it provided me an opportunity to start a new life. I was wrong.

Turns out, I was getting ahead of myself. Countless amount of sleepless nights from worries of fitting in with my peers, of keeping up in society, of understanding the language I only heard from my parents but never had the chance to learn from first-hand. It was such a difficult time of adjustment that lasted for several months of staying in our new place. Giving up was always the option until I finally found my footing. I can say that for me, the start of a face-to-face pilot opening definitely helped me come out of my shell. Not because I wanted to but more on being forced out of it for the sake of academics and socialization. It was not the most ideal motivation but it helped in a way that I could find my people.

You might be wondering by now, where is this home that I am talking about? To answer your question frankly, I am still yet to find out where my home is. I can say my home is back in my old house, or in our current apartment, or in the city I used to live in for the past 16 years. But, saying that would mean I am not being entirely truthful because our "home" is more than its physical structure. It is in the people you surround yourself with, in the familiar route you take back home, in the food you eat from your favorite restaurant that you go to when you feel you deserve it. Home will always be where you feel most comfortable, where you can freely be vulnerable without fear or judgement.

Photo credits to: https://www.detourista.com/place/iloilo/, https://ko-fi.com/s/87d3c15536