anaslife - Tumblr blog

[anaslife]

Ugh yes lately

anyone else go through periods of like... normalness and then suddenly things get dramatically worse for a few weeks and then go back to normal-ish? it makes me feel rlly invalidated and like im faking this whole thing smh

[anaslife]

Lol yeah

Do you ever correct your posture just because you think you look fat standing like that?

[anaslife]

*loses weight*

*binges*

*gains weight back*

“Okay but this time it will be different!”

[anaslife]

[anaslife]

“why are you such a picky eater?”

lol bro i’m not gonna waste calories on food i might not even like get your head out of your ass

[anaslife]

tw ed

does anyone else have a goal weight they’re determined to hit even though you know damn well you won’t stop once you hit it

[anaslife]

the anorexic urge to stare at every skinny person that walks by

[anaslife]

“why are you such a picky eater?”

lol bro i’m not gonna waste calories on food i might not even like get your head out of your ass

[anaslife]

I’ve been working out every day again. That with the not eating as much has made my clothes looser but I haven’t weighed myself so I have no idea how much I weigh. A few people have asked if I’ve lost weight. Honestly, it’s conflicting every time that happens because on one hand I’m so happy to be losing weight but on the other hand I get angry at the thought of people seeing me. I still feel so fat and I hate clothes shopping. My 2 good friends always want to go clothes shopping but I usually turn the tables on them and look for clothes for them instead because they’re thinner. They haven’t seemed to notice that I do that and I usually make an excuse to either leave or not eat once they want to get food (which always happens after shopping for a while). It’s not really fun for me to go shopping for clothes because it always end up with me crying in the fitting room lol

[anaslife]

I wrote this a few months ago:

Life is no better now than it was before but at least I’ve been a bit more honest. I opened up a little to Christina about my issues with exercising, specifically how I hate hearing my own heavy breathing and I hate other people hearing my heavy breathing too. Christina is one of my closest friends but she doesn’t know the extent of my mental illness. She has had a lot of her own issues including bipolar disorder, anxiety, and depression. She understands the anxiety/depression but I don’t share my eating disorder stuff with her. She exercises almost everyday, taking her dog on runs. She didn’t used to go running at all and definitely got chubby in her relationship with her ex but after they broke up, she started running and eating healthier. Now she’s much thinner and it’s like thinspo for me. My eating disorder wants me to be thinner than her.

[anaslife]

Some of my friends that I’ve been seeing more often have been noticing that I haven’t been eating much. They don’t know my eating disorder history, they just know I have ADD and get depression/anxiety/stomachaches. Christina is basically my best friend rn and she kept saying that I need to remember to eat and throughout the last week, she was texting/telling me to, “EAT!” But that just made me want to not eat more. Christina and I were hanging out with our other good friend, Haley, and they had ordered a ton of food and when I refused to eat anything, Christina said, “I haven’t seen you eat anything this whole time and we’ve been together all day…” and I just said my stomachs feeling weird and then my other good friend said, “you’d probably feel better if you ate something…” and I told them I’m good and that I’ll just have more water. They didn’t push it which I was grateful for but I saw them exchange glances. It’s conflicting because on one side, I’m grateful at least some of my loved ones care enough to notice, but on the other hand, the attention inspires me to keep going while also making me angry. It’s weird. I’m weird. I don’t like myself at all.

[anaslife]

Haven’t eaten. Been restricting a lot. I’m supposed to hang out with Suzy tonight and we’re supposed to go out but I don’t want to eat. I said I’d be down for tea or something and she said that sounds lovely but she might want to get food too. I really wanna bail on this because I don’t want to be seen and I just feel so fucking fat even though I know I’ve lost weight. Haven’t weighed myself but my clothes are looser again. Suzy knows I’m struggling but she doesn’t judge me. Sometimes I wish she would because my eating disorder does and like misery, my eating disorder wants company. Or the eating disorder wants to be able to point to someone else and say, “see?? They agree with me—you are hideously fat and disgusting. No one will ever truly love you. No one wants you around at all.”

[anaslife]

I didn’t understand this video at first but then I saw it was tagged #diethacks 💀

[anaslife]

Lol I’m totally fine, see?

[anaslife]

Well, I’ve totally fucked up all my progress. I’ve been having binges and purges and I feel so fucking gross & fat. I hate myself so much. Why can’t I just eat enough to lose weight without getting extreme in my diet?? I can’t seem to find a good balance. I always just starve myself until I binge/purge, & that’s the cycle that continues without bringing any significant weight loss or satisfaction. It’s terrible, I want to stop, but how?

[anaslife]

Someones at the door. The doorbell rang. I was in the middle of a binge. Stopped now. Hiding because I’m embarrassed. Not getting the door. If it was for me, they would’ve called/texted. I have to go purge now, it’s been too long, can’t finish the binge. That was completely unsatisfying.

[anaslife]

summary of my life