anjaleeverse

[anjaleeverse]

[anjaleeverse]

It's all fun and games until you see through everything at 2 am while fasting nirjala, you feel like crying at his lotus feet although there's nothing to cry at. You surrender like anything. Your fast seems worth it. Every decision of your life seems to be well thought by him. You fall asleep while calling his name and you wake up next morning at Parana, you drink water while reciting "ॐ कृष्णाय वासुदेवाय हरये परमात्मने, प्रणत: क्लेशनाशाय गोविन्दाय नमो नमः" in your mind. "That's what I was born for" you add.

[anjaleeverse]

To the best boyfriend ever,

I am happy that you happened. It's sheer luck. I still remember how you made me smile the very first time and how you couldn't stop blushing since I met you. More years to come 🎀

[anjaleeverse]

I don't know what love is true but I have never seen someone like you.

Like sunflower, sunshine and warmth. Giving out the peace found by the beach in the moonlight. With whom I can always tap into my utmost feminine energy. A space where I am not supposed to love cricket or pay for dinner. Where I recieve chivalry in abundance that I figured out that anyone else wasn't even close. Someone who makes me feel that I am incredible the way I am. Someone who doesn't only see me, but sees through me. Someone who makes me laugh and smile harder. It's like you're everything I ever wanted, just the right amount of it. We are bound to be different yet you feel similar or rather a known soul. Also I don't feel obligated, indebted or humbled, I feel equal, brave and worthy. And it's all because of you.

Anjalee

[anjaleeverse]

The right person feels like lots of peace, lots of sane silence and hell lot of self improvement.

Anjalee

[anjaleeverse]

It is not because things are difficult that we do not dare; it is because we do not dare that they are difficult

[anjaleeverse]

"And then ?"

"And then she found someone exactly like her. Who loved her the way she used to write about since eternities."

Anjalee

[anjaleeverse]

To be loved and to love are different and I want both of them to find me.

Anjalee

[anjaleeverse]

She has continued to be a phase despite my efforts to go back to her. I am taken by something in her, as I wrote but that something just doesn't seem to be enough for me to convey my feelings to her, clearly, with no ambiguous statement. I pull her strings way too tight, leaving no space in her heart for me. She is again out of me and everything about me. She's not bothered or I wonder is, coz I try to catch up in every few days but all I remain at, is seen. No one has ever treated me this way. I really miss her but she never replied since I messed up again and asked her to shift plans to after 9 months. Called her something she never was made to hear, but idk I feel she's dumb . However she's would have not been the girl I like if she would have tolerated it.

[anjaleeverse]

The soul part 2//

I don't think it's s lot to consume that people may want to know if they can bring someone back. That attachment is one hell of a thing and it can drive you crazy. Nowadays I find silence too loud. It feels like someone's calling me, waiting for me there in the woods. Perhaps my grandmother coz that's for whom I might have unbalanced this world of humans. My grandmother died in 2015, I have tried to be over it. Again and again, yet I am not able to. I don't know what connects me with her so badly that this attachment is giving me terrible dreams since. I'm tortured each night to see her, here with me as if it's all a reality, an emotional workout for whole night and I am always crying to see her in pain. My dreams had always been horrific since I was what, 16 and I end up living with all of it within me. I remember every dream I came accross. It sometimes is aching and I feel like what's the problem with me. I wonder, if I keep things too close. So is the case with my granny, I couldn't bear her loss, I researched afterlife..the transmigration of souls and rituals to begin them..

Anjalee

[anjaleeverse]

It's my 4 year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳

[anjaleeverse]

Perhaps the worst thing someone could do to you is to say I can't live without you and then continue living.

[anjaleeverse]

There are things that last and there's love. I don't know if it's my love for her that suffered at the cost of my job, or is it the love she was never really involved in. She said she has missed me, she never texts though. "Woah she actually did text", I chuckle. I miss her too but I am not sure about her. She's messy, powerful and intense but I am not sure of her. Perhaps that's why I give myself enough of a reason to not be there for her. I am lost in work, video games and not her. I don't know how to tell her this. I don't know how to come up with words. The way she mentioned she misses me seems shaky. The credibility, no worth. I am supposed to meet her but wtf am I doing. Do I really liked her ever or is it just my vicarious wish to like her till she's not mine. Are writer's right ? Do boys only love to chase ? Fuck. I'm no different. But what of her? Did she ever truly like me ? Or were I just someone she could call hers ? Or worst, just another guy? She's layered. She's completely layered. She emphasizes on talking the first day but she pulls back the other ! I was in a maze of her pretense. However one thought is, she really gives herself in until she finds some change of tone, exactly when she rushes to her cocoon. Hiding. Shuting up. She remains lost in the crowd until she finds you casual, not hurting, not causing joy or anger, not making to believe her nothing. I wanted to meet her but I hope won't ever be able to make it. She was phase, I need my career, not her.

[anjaleeverse]

I'm rather more calm to be conversing with her than being a disappointment in her life, these days. Thing's are decent, different than the way they had been and It soothes my soul until, "you remember Dylan?" She asked as if I had forgotten. "He is not so good", she said with a tension all over her eyes. I'm not so startled with her mentioning Dylan for obvious reasons. She is always posting something on gram and anyone could get a sneak peek into her life, that's when I got to know she's still talking to him. I mean Dylan is not a person of strong character, I think he's an attention seeker who gets his muscles toned up and posts them with "#gymoversickness". She had been so attached to him once that she just was cursing him in a polite but superfluous manner. Whilst I had watched her in fumes over him, it's not nice to see him liking her stories again.

Dylan had a crazy last relationship though. He was a victim as I heard, to a woman he knew he won't be able to handle. His ex was just another "Love Quinn", posing straight into reality. She was hideous, turned out a cheater later, but overall, a top notch racist. She had been commenting over Dylan's character, the way he looked and so many other things. I think she hated people from Louisiana in general. I don't know why I was having this story in my memory, embedded but perhaps it's because Dylan seems always the guy who would take your girl away for nothing. Not to be giving too much information here, but she liked Dylan. She has always thought about her chemistry with him. That they are so compatible,him being a cancer. I don't know what really Dylan thinks of her, but quite sure that either he is so careful about her friendship or he just likes attention in a mild way. I mean this girl, surely had no personal vendetta of confessions of her affections to Dylan but he saw no point apparently and said he didn't know she liked him until now, when he said yes to some sociopath and perhaps a psychotic bitch, Lia. Lia would have never even wanted them to be friends in first place so she fought over Dylan and he as always chose her. Dylan and Lia broke up and I know, he is there for her since then. She has mixed opinions about Dylan. More to that, because she is a sweetheart who thinks, everybody is one. She cares for Dylan , for his sleeplessness nights, his well being. Yet somehow, I never hear her saying "Dylan is so sweet to be asking about my health!" What's then he doing in her life then. "Oh Dylan!" Why?

[anjaleeverse]

"Beautiful Losers", Leonard Cohen

[anjaleeverse]

If I go on telling my likings of her, I'll fill much of this book with praises of her. Not like she doesn't deserve it, but like she'll be always more than that.

So talking about my interest in her and remaining at a certain seems like not a good match but I have my fears. She would choose to be rather soul-less than showing she loves or accept anything lesser than what she has seen in kabhie khushi kabhi gham. Moreover, she , as I mentioned earlier, seems a seductive mystery who has layers and layers beneath layers. I don't know her completely. Even now, she exists as some idea, some concept in my head. Cady Heron from mean girls, Tessa from After or Tara Gunjal from ok jaanu...but whoever she resonates to, she's someone I really desire.

There are days when I keep on wondering what would it feel like to kiss her full lips, to touch her soft skin !!! This thought really leaves me mesmerized and I start yearning for her. I go on to see her snaps for hours, not calming the hurricanes within me but igniting a deep feeling. I have questioned myself for weeks and months, if what I feel is exactly love, or if I'm mistaken. Not to my surprise though, the more deeper I dig into it, the more I realise that I haven't felt like this. Ever. I have had a girlfriend in my teenage but I didn't feel this way even when we broke up. I was never wanting so bad like I do here. This time, I feel like I could always be awaiting her arrival into my life. Like they say, you want that person even if that person doesn't really want you. Ah ! I don't know. Also, I fear to come up with the fact that I love her. It's a powerful sentence. I really don't wanna mess up things in my head, for these things are which I can't control. I have been a loner, I'll be one this time too.

She is complicacy walking around in black clothes. She says nobody did love her, remains lost in why's and remains unhappier yet happier. Clingy yet cold. Simple yet cruel and won't perhaps ever open her eyes to see me. Someone who does care for her, someone who would do anything to have her and someone who would love her, and love her utmost rightly that she forgets she was ever heartbroken. Silly of her ? Yes I know !

She's silly in more than one ways though. She doesn't get my feelings at all or I don't know, ignores to get a taste of them. Whilst I see future in her eyes. I'm unable to describe this feeling of what they write songs about but I know what it feels like for the first time in my life. I really wish if she could ever come and visit me in Bangalore. It's the feeling of us alone, spending sometime together, which sparkles up my eye. I would treat her like a queen. I would sit by her while she talks and keeps on talking. I would make her the best coffee in the world. I would play PC games with her. I would take her out for dinner and dance with her until we fall asleep. You can imagine right ? What happens when a loner finds the love of her life ? It's so soothing to think about but would she ever come to know all of this! I'm not sure.

[anjaleeverse]

Talking of July, it was special to me. I don't really know if she remembers it at all but for me this month holds the memory of coming across her. We were a part of an Instagram engagement group. Everyone was asked to like and comment on every other members posts. I used to see her comments on posts each day. She had way beautiful paintings in her name and it all convinced me to find my way to her personal message. I replied to her story that day. I had been not so keen at approaching girls, ever but here I was getting tempted to. It felt like I could not stop myself to know her a little more. I am a traditional man who would never dare to find a date online, but again, this girl was making me change everything. I was excited to know her and happy to have discovered that she wasn't committed. It seemed like It was all going on well. She had now started to send me her pictures. Mere her eyes with liner were making me crave her so much that I kept staring her in my phone for so many days. It began to feel like God made her, while I described her. She has full lips, complementing her big wide eyes. I liked her hair, her thoughts, her paintings, her aura. I loved her appearance altogether.

So July is gonna mark 4 years of me knowing her. Although it had been a rollercoaster ride but I know she would love to hear that. It has been on and off since I know her. I used to think we like different things but I highly doubt that now. However there are few things which are entirely different. She loves being traditional, family oriented and is people pleaser, whilst I'm a lone wolf who would not fear, how harsh the truth might be. She's often loving songs she can easily vibe to, and my song choices are way too different, but I know that anything happens, I really love her. Love is a heavy word according to her but I feel I do love her. It has been nearly 4 years, she has been away from me but I have not been able to forget her. Perhaps I'm knocking the wrong door but it all rests on a what if. What if we workout. What if she gets to see me with no filters. What if I'm able to tell her what I actually feel about her. What if we end up together. Because I have tried the other way round,and gave up. I know her, I know she'll trust me.

I don't know how will I ever be able to confront my feelings for her but I feel like I have to.