anxietyeveryday - Tumblr blog

[anxietyeveryday]

400% of mental illness is thinking this is probably just how hard life is for everyone and you just can’t handle it because you’re a whiny baby who isn’t trying hard enough.

[anxietyeveryday]

I laughed way too hard at this

[anxietyeveryday]

Coming Out Again (Panic #116)

TL;DR: After lots of thinking, I’m identifying as Genderfluid, and would like to come out, but there’s a few people I’m uncomfortable/scared of coming out to.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking for quite some time, but I think I’ve got a relatively good idea of who I am now. I’m currently identifying as Genderfluid (technically Genderflux is a more fitting term, but I’m going with Genderfluid cause it’s more familiar, Genderflux is under the Genderfluid umbrella, and the flag is prettier). Basically, I feel more intensely some days about my gender identity than other days. Sometimes I feel strongly like a she/her, others it’s they/them, and other days I don’t have a preference.

But anyway, figuring out my identity isn’t what this post is about. I’m just... kinda nervous to come out to a lot of people? I’ve told a few of my closest friends and my partner, but I’m skeptical about coming out to my family, and just outright scared about coming out to two of my closest friends.

My family isn’t really an issue I don’t think? I know they’re 100% accepting (or at least tolerant) of everything LGBT+ related, just most of my family members don’t really understand they/them pronouns and either won’t use them or fuck them up a lot or just joke about it. They don’t joke in intentionally hurtful ways, but sometimes they go a little too far and don’t really realize/care. But they do that about everything so... yeah. I don’t think coming out to my family would be bad, I just don’t think it would change anything except maybe having them start poking fun at my gender.

The two friends however... I am scared to come out to. And idk what to do about the situation. Like, these guys are some of my very closest friends, and they’re the type of people who will go out of their way inconveniencing themselves to help you when you need help. They’re LGBT+ themselves, and have always expressed their undying support for the community, including trans people, but both of them seem to get a little iffy when it comes to the nonbinary community...

Both of them are only like a couple years older than me, but they act like they’re from a whole different generation. One pulls out the whole “Oh, but they/them is plural and it confuses me” bullshit all the time, and the other one just for a while was like “I don’t understand it, so how can I support it?”

I legit talked to the second person for several hours once, trying to explain nonbinary identities, and I think I got this person to a place where they get it, but the issue is... when this person gets frustrated, they start thinking and acting irrationally and just being an asshole in general. I was only explaining all this gender stuff because they hadn’t yet met my partner, and I didn’t want this person to start grilling my partner about why they identify the way they do, because this person gets really intense and can easily set off one’s anxiety/panic response, and they come off as quite offensive at some points. And I was right to do so, cause it again, it took several HOURS of explaining to get this person to chill out. This person even, at one point, “corrected” me with my partner’s old pronouns when I mentioned them, because this person was getting frustrated and not thinking clearly. I practically never yell at my friends, but I did that day because how dare you purposefully misgender someone. Again, I think I got this person to a place of understanding at the end of the conversation, but it took way too long, and it was quite mentally traumatic for me to listen to this person misgender my partner on purpose.

Now for the other friend. As I mentioned, this person uses the “oh I’m an English major, it’s confusing and frustrating for me cause they/them is plural” bullshit a LOT, but that’s not the reason I’m scared to come out to this friend. I’m scared because I specifically remember hanging out with this person one night a few months ago, and discussing gender identity stuff. I don’t recall most of the conversation, but I recall what they brought up about people who don’t stick to one set of pronouns. Basically, this person described to me how they used to have a friend who identified as Genderfluid, and changed their pronouns depending on the day (hey look, that’s what I’ve been doing!). But instead of just being respectful and patient with their friend, this person told me that they YELLED at the person, like completely flipping out! And telling them to pick. one. Which like???? First of all, that’s SO fucking rude and disrespectful, and secondly?? This person’s being a huge hypocrite! They used to identify as bisexual! That’s the same as someone telling my friend that they had to pick boys or girls!! But yeah. I’ve seen this person get angry before, and I don’t particularly want to see it again...

But yeah. That’s why I don’t feel safe coming out to these two friends in particular. Part of me just... wants to do it anyway cause it’s like. Why would I want to keep people like that around anyway? But the other part of me is just so scared of losing some of the few friends I actually hang out with and communicate with on the regular. And they really are both sweet people in general. They’ve got their baggage, like most people do (probably more baggage than most people), but they’re really really good friends to me when they’re not having a moment. So idk what to do.

~mod liv

[anxietyeveryday]

DnD Problems (Panic #115)

TL;DR: I was planning a 3-player DnD campaign, player 3 dropped out, and I’m struggling to find a replacement.

So, I got into Dungeons and Dragons like a year or two ago? But I’ve recently started DMing a few games of my own, one of which I was trying to organize between two of my guy friends and myself (I made my own character for the game as well). Spent a little bit of time coming up with ideas for the campaign with one of the two friends, with the other one not contributing too much, before he eventually just told me he was too busy to participate, and I should just replace him with someone else. No big deal, really.

Thankfully, I was able to get my datefriend interested, so they took the third player position. Now datefriend, friend, and myself have been bouncing ideas off each other and building up our characters and coming up with ideas for the story for quite a while, we were even considering holding our first session last night! (Sidenote: we’re doing the game over Discord cause friend lives in a different state)

Well, datefriend was a bit tired last night, so we just used the time as a brainstorming/general chatting session. Then, after datefriend and friend logged off, I continued brainstorming late into the night, doing some basic worldbuilding stuff.

Pitched my new ideas in the morning, and... datefriend messaged me, saying that they hadn’t really thought too much about the basics of the world, but when they did stop to think about it... they really weren’t comfortable participating in the campaign.

Now... I’m not mad at my partner... I completely understand and support their decision not to participate in the game, and I would never want to put them through something that made them uncomfortable... but now I’m kinda stuck. I can’t very well DM the game and play TWO characters that aren’t just normal NPCs, one is gonna be enough for me... but we can’t really play with just two players.

So now I have to find someone to replace my partner’s character. But I really??? Don’t know who else to even ask. I don’t know which of my friends are into DnD that would be interested in the plot we’ve got planned/are available to play. Most of the ones I know of who do play DnD, I know aren’t available/interested/are just in general hard to get a hold of. And I don’t wanna just invite a complete stranger, cause I’m not comfortable with that...

So idk what to do. I don’t wanna just scrap the story, I’ve been super excited about it for a while, and I spent a long time setting up the Discord server for it. I even bought some stuff to cosplay my character. For now, I put posts on my social media accounts where there’s more people I know irl asking if anyone would be interested... but the person I thought would be our most likely candidate already said no thanks, and no one else has replied... idk what I’m gonna do. I’m moreso just really disappointed, but I’m also a little anxious cause I’m like. What if no one wants to do it and I wind up having to cancel the campaign??? idk. I’m not having a good time right now.

~mod liv

[anxietyeveryday]

Dangerously Gay (Panic #114)

So. I wrote my datefriend a song for their birthday, but I don’t know how to play an instrument. I have friends who know how, but I really wanna just make the whole thing by myself because 1. it’s more special that way and 2. I get embarrassed singing in front of people when it’s not just singing along with a professional song.

My plan was to install garageband and do the music part there, but I have like no storage left on my phone, and it wasn’t in the appstore on my phone either??? So I figured maybe I could get it on my laptop. But my laptop is not an Apple product, so first I looked to see if there were alternatives that were easy to use and free (there weren’t), then I decided to see if there was a way to get garageband on my laptop anyway.

I found a website and it gave instructions and a link to install it. So I clicked it, y’know, like an idiot. And next thing you know, I’ve got a virus on my laptop.

I think i managed to get rid of it... but if I didn’t I’m gonna be very mad at myself, this is a new laptop and it wasn’t cheap.

So yeah. My gay ass caused me to download a virus.

~mod liv

[anxietyeveryday]

[anxietyeveryday]

[anxietyeveryday]

That autistic / ADHD feel when you want to do… something.

[anxietyeveryday]

If you relate to being an introvert, follow me @introvertunites.

[anxietyeveryday]

The worst trick a childhood anxiety disorder pulls is, you spend your early years being applauded for being so much more mature than your peers, because you aren’t disruptive, you don’t want any kind of attention, you don’t express yourself, you keep yourself to yourself - this makes you a pleasure to have in class, etc etc - and you start to believe it’s virtue. But you’re actually way behind your peers in normal social development, and who knows if you can ever catch up.

[anxietyeveryday]

[anxietyeveryday]

Things people with Social Anxiety do

•go to the bathroom to escape

•feel very uncomfortable without a phone or some other crutch

•dwell on a small awkward moment for much longer than necessary

•never go to any social event without a person that makes you feel comfortable

•follow said person way too much

•worry about the person beginning to find you obnoxious

•faking an illness to get out of a social event

[anxietyeveryday]

[anxietyeveryday]

[anxietyeveryday]

[anxietyeveryday]

Hi! Just read that BPD article you posted ages ago and honestly that makes so much sense! I thought I had depression but couldn’t figure out why it didn’t match up with the symptoms! Went to my doctor and we talked about BPD and he thinks that’s what I have (and social anxiety but I knew that already). So thanks!!! It’s still hard but at least I know now

Hey!I’m glad to hear I was able to help! I wish you the best of luck with it in the future, it should be immensely helpful knowing now what you’ve got. If you pay attention to it, you should eventually be able to pick up on your symptoms and how it affects your daily life. It also helps to know what specifically you’ve got if you ever decide to get treatment for it, but even if you don’t, understanding your condition should at the very least make it easier to explain to others if they have questions about your behavior.

Good luck!~mod liv

[anxietyeveryday]

On the Latest Episode of “My Life is a Shitshow...”(Panic #114)

TL;DR: We can’t stay in our house right now because it’s being torn apart to fix water damage. This has happened once before, the guys moving things lost some stuff from my room, and we were out of the house for four months, so I packed accordingly.

SO, uhh a few weeks (maybe over a month?) ago, a tree fell on our house. BUT when it happened, it only really looked like it took out the outside porch, so we weren’t very concerned about it. But recently, our ceiling started leaking... So we went to try and figure out where the leak had started, and discovered that one of the branches from the tree smashed a considerable hole in the roof.

So for the past few days we’ve had a few guys coming in and out of our house to assess the damage, and they wound up having to put three dehumidifiers in the house to dry things up. One in each bedroom (upstairs) and one in our kitchen (downstairs.) The thing about dehumidifiers though...? They make the rooms they’re in hot. Like really hot. Both bedrooms were practically turned into saunas, and the downstairs was barely any better.

Normally, to combat this heat, I’d turn on the A/C right? Except, the man who put the dehumidifiers in said not to do that. Cause it would blow the power to have both large machines going at once. So neither of the bedrooms were bearable for me to stay in (my mom had gone away for the weekend for work, so I was dealing with these guys in the house by myself. Yeah, being alone with strange men was also a big plus) and I wound up sleeping in the living room. On our leather couch... (Leather makes me get really sweaty if it’s hot.)

So I dealt with these terrible living conditions for about three days. It was too hot to go in either of the bedrooms, and the living room was miserable too. I was barely getting any sleep, and definitely wasn’t comfortable. Also, I had to get up like an hour earlier than normal, cause the guys had to keep coming in to do maintenance on the dehumidifiers and continue assessing things. And they couldn’t come in after I got out of work at 4:00.

Finally, my mom came home. We decided to sleep in her room for the night, and call the insurance people to figure out if we could stay in a hotel because the house really wasn’t livable at that point. We opened two big windows in her room and tried to sleep... until about 3:00am. Cause it started raining and we had to close the windows.

We finally gave up and turned off all three dehumidifiers, turned on the A/C, and each slept in our own rooms... Until we had to get up at 8:30 to let the guys in again at 9:00... I say we, but my mom had work, so it was just me again.

I just expected them to be doing more maintenance, so I just stayed in my pajamas, expecting a relatively uneventful day.

But no.

At this point, they were done assessing, and done doing maintenance. They found mold in some of the walls, the floors, and ceilings. So they had to start tearing things down, and I had to move basically all of my stuff out of my room.

Now, you may be wondering why I had to move pretty much all of my stuff. The answer? This isn’t the first time we’ve had walls and shit torn out of our house. We had the pipes burst a few years ago, and I left most of my stuff for the workers to move (my mom left most of her stuff too.) When we finally were able to move back in, several posters from my room were gone, along with a picture that really meant a lot to me, and we were also missing a lot of money we had hidden around the house.

I have a lot of breakable things and electronics. And money. And just in general stuff that I don’t want to see anything happen to. So, in all my pajama-clad and unbrushed hair glory, I threw on a pair of sneakers (no socks, like an idiot), and set to work. Packing things in boxes and bags, and taking things off the walls, and moving anything I was concerned about into my car. At nine o’ fucking clock in the morning. After getting less than five hours of sleep.

Meanwhile, while I’m going up and down stairs carrying a whole buttload of stuff, these guys are pretty much tearing my house apart, causing a lot of dust to get kicked up, and exposing the mold under the floorboards (which I’m allergic to, by the way,) and they also started spraying something to kill the mold (having forgotten that my mom needed to sign something before they started doing that... I stopped them from continuing, cause my mom had bad asthma and I have sinus issues, but I still think it was bothering my system since I was in the house so long.)

After about three or four hours, I was finally done. I got all of the important things stuffed into my car, and I was ready to leave the house in the hands of these guys... But I was immensely sweaty and gross, and still in my pajamas... I couldn’t really use my own shower though, cause there were tubes going from the dehumidifier in my mom’s room into the bathroom sink. Thus, the door was permanently open. And I wasn’t about to shower with the door open by myself in a house with about five strange adult men.

So I called up a friend, and showered at her house. Then went out to lunch with my mom, then had to go back to my house to get some stuff I forgot (and save some stickers from a part of the wall they had to remove that I wasn’t aware they were removing.) Then, finally, I was ready to go to the hotel we’d booked a stay in (which is thankfully in my hometown.) It took me three trips with a big cart back and forth from my car to get all of the things I needed into the hotel room.

So yeah. We’re not sure how long we’ll be in this hotel for, but I’ve prepared for the worst, cause the last time we had to stay in a hotel because our house was getting worked on, we stayed for four months.

Wish me luck, guys.

~mod liv