apoetsdarkthoughts

[apoetsdarkthoughts]

the meaning of words can be different

when they're written in lowercase

Capitalized thinks it's special

CAPS LOCK is yelling at me

but there's something precious

about lowercase letters

that it seems only i can see

[apoetsdarkthoughts]

Which parts of me

Are really you?

How can I separate myself from you?

You are not me

You are sickness

You speak

And I listen

You are a part

I am the whole

I am the one in control

We blur together

I can't help it

It's hard to tell

In all this darkness

What is me?

What is you?

What parts of me

Are really you?

[apoetsdarkthoughts]

Phantom tears on my skin

Ghosts in my eyes

Spirits of heartbreak

Apparitions of pain

Undead memories

Haunt my brain

[apoetsdarkthoughts]

This castle is crumbling

Weakened by the years

But these halls of blood and bone

Have been my home

Through all the tears

This body is my kingdom

This mind is my throne

My scars are a reminder

That they're mine and mine alone

My heart is my advisor

Though biased it may be

My voice is my weapon

Which I try to weild gently

I promised my advisor

Through fire and through pain

I will not betray my kingdom

I will not feed the flames

This body is my kingdom

My first and final home

I promise to protect it

From the poison on my throne

[apoetsdarkthoughts]

[apoetsdarkthoughts]

DNI

Please do not interact with me if you/your blog is/supports the following:

-

Homophobic/transphobic/queerphobic/ anti-Igbtq+

anti a-spec, anti-xeno/neurogenders, anti-neo/noun/emoji pronouns, anti it/its pronouns, MAPs/zoos, transmed/truscum, terf/swerf, "battle-axe" bi, "longsword" lesbian, etc

Racist/ALM/BlueLM/against BLM

Ableist

mocks tics/disabilities in general, uses "high/low functioning" to describe autism(or any neurodiversity), against educated self diagnosis

Pro-ana/mia/ed/sh

Antikin/make fun of otherkin

Anti fact/fiction kin

Political blog, discourse

BIOOd/gOre, n33dles, horror (or doesn't tag

those things)

Doesn't use trigger warnings

"cringe culture"

[apoetsdarkthoughts]

I am a teacup

Floating in the ocean

I feel so small

In a world so big

The galaxies

Infinities

That I can't comprehend

I understand

I really do

And yet nothing makes sense

So here's another metaphor

That'll slip right over your head

The world's an endless ocean

And we're floating side by side

Never knowing where we're going

Hoping we'll find something worth while

Suddenly a hurricane throws

Us to a different current

We're spinning and floating

And suddenly you're gone

Floating far away from me

We want to swim and reunite

But we're just teacups

Teacups floating

Teacups floating side by side

[apoetsdarkthoughts]

If I can't live for myself

I'm gonna live for my past self

Because she deserved better

Then to have died for nothing

I killed her to live

And now I'm haunted

So I will live the life

That she would've wanted

[apoetsdarkthoughts]

Dkys;

Don't kill yourself, Semicolon

You never

Finished your

Sentence

I'm still

Waiting

For the end

Your words

Stay floating

In my head

Don't kill yourself, Semicolon

You're not finished yet;

[apoetsdarkthoughts]

you think you're forgiven

it's sad

the original feelings are

still there

but you

don't know that

there's hellfire

in my heart

when I think about you

and you think you're

forgiven

but I'm still angry

[apoetsdarkthoughts]

The

Queerphobes

will shout their lungs out saying

"for the children"

I wonder when they'll realize that

we are the children.

[apoetsdarkthoughts]

You say it's just sadness, it will leave

But depression is closer to anger than it is to sadness

Depression isn't hating yourself

It's hating other people's possible perceptions of yourself

Trapped in their veiws

Trapped in my perceptions of myself

Trapped in my perceptions of reality

And the thoughts that tell you

What's the point?

Maybe none of this is real

Depression isn't hating life

It's hating that you can't live your life

It's the chains that hold you three inches from your dreams

And make it seem like three miles

It's not a feeling that comes and goes

It's a prison that you're locked inside

It's an ocean that you're drowning in, with an anchor tied to your ankle

It's a party you don't want to be at but you can't leave

And above all else

Depression is numb

It doesn't just make you sad

Depression numbs the good things

So when you should be happy

You're just okay

And everything else

Is cold and bitter

Black and gray pain

A colorless world

Where you can't find it in yourself to try

Because you can't remember

What it feels like to be happy.

[apoetsdarkthoughts]

I am detached

From these legs

They are long but not long enough

They're shaped right

But when I look at them

They're wrong

Not mine

I am detached

From this chest

Its thinner then I expect

There are bones sticking out in ways that hurt to look at

My chest has parts that aren't right

Not mine

I am detached

From these arms

They are long

And skinny

And like my chest

The bones stick out and look broken

Wrong

Not mine

I hide my body

With hoodies and sweatpants

Long sleeves cover my unbroken broken arms

A few layers of darkness deceive any eyes looking at my chest

And fabric can force my legs into more reasonable appearances

I hide

I hide

But

When I'm naked

In the mirror

It's clear

This body

Isn't mine

My mind

Is detached from itself

The thoughts that flicker

Through my brain

Blow out the flame

That is my mind

Not mine

I cannot control the voices

They whisper

But I'm more afraid

Of all the things they don't say

The implications they make

Not mine

My mind forgets to create a line

Between what's real and what's a lie

I can't cry

I have tears

But they're

Not mine

My body

My mind

Detached from each other

At war with themselves

Unreal

This body and mind

Not mine

[apoetsdarkthoughts]

To the girl I thought I was: I'm sorry

...

Sometimes I see her in my mind

She speaks to me in a language I cannot understand

When she speaks I don't reply

I don't want to forget her

But I don't want to remember her

Sometimes I see her in my dreams

She appears and I never know what to say

So we just end up staring at each other

until I wake up

I haven't seen her in a while

But next time she appears

I think I know what to say

"I'm sorry" I'll tell her

"I'm sorry you were so miserable, for so long"

"I tried to be you, but I'm not you."

"So I'm sorry" I'll say "I'm sorry I killed you."

"and I'm sorry you had to die, for me to live."

[apoetsdarkthoughts]

Sometimes

I wish I were a mirror

Then I'd have an excuse to reflect on everything

Then no one would look at me weird when I mimic them

Sometimes I wish I were a mirror.

Sometimes

I wish I were smoke

Suffocating

Most people would fear me

I could float high in the sky

And be free

Sometimes I wish I were smoke.

Sometimes

I wish I were a flame

Painful to touch but beautiful

Lighting the way for those who listen

And burning the houses of those who do not

Sometimes I wish I were a flame.

Sometimes

I wish.

[apoetsdarkthoughts]

I live in my own world...

Because it's safer in here.

[apoetsdarkthoughts]

I'm cold.

So cold.

It's the kind of cold that sinks into your skin and wraps it's icy fingers around your bones.

It's the kind of cold that doesn't go away when you put on a jacket.

I'm tired.

So tired.

It's the kind of tired that grabs hold of your frost bitten bones and pulls them down.

It's the kind of tired that won't leave even if you slept for a week.

I'm numb.

So numb.

It's the kind of numbness that gathers around you like a cloud of fog, making it hard to see good, easy to see bad and near impossible to care.

It's the kind of numb that makes me barely notice how cold and tired I am.