aprilhush - Tumblr blog

[aprilhush]

︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵

Astarion

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My babe is so nice

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My doctor told me that I should keep notes about my emotions and experiences so that it would be easier for me to understand and process it. I always ignored this recommendation and thought that I could handle it anyway. I don’t go to the doctor anymore, but I’ll try to use this advice.

Honestly, I don’t really know what to write here so as not to feel stupid. It’s like there’s just an ocean of emotions inside me that overwhelm me, but at the same time I feel a desperate emptiness that cannot be filled with anything. Whatever I do makes no sense because it no longer brings a feeling of joy or momentary relief. Recently I was trying to lose myself in a video game, but as soon as I finished it, I again felt that feeling of emptiness, uselessness and longing for normal emotions that other people experience. Of course, I know what joy, love, peace are, but gradually experiencing these feelings gives me a feeling of guilt. As if I didn’t deserve even 5 minutes of absolute happiness. Um, I don't know what else to say except that every day I find it more and more difficult to wake up in the morning and these thoughts about the "other" choice are spinning in my head. And I often wonder what you are doing there, while I try to live my day unfilled with anything important and worthwhile.

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Astarion Baldur's Gate 3

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"....imagine the ocean... You stand knee-deep in the water and look forward. There are people behind you on the shore.. You stand and want to go deeper into the water.. To merge with it.. To disappear.. So that no one will ever find you.. Drown in this ocean and forget everything you feel... And those people on the shore.. They don’t care... They don’t even look at you.. They are having fun, sunbathing, and don’t even look in your direction.. And so you take a step forward.. You shout to them that you don’t know how to swim in this ocean, that you feel bad and scared here alone, that you can’t get out... But they don’t hear, they ignore you... And you take another step forward and another and another... Until your body plunges under the water right up to your lips.. One more step and you will be completely drowned in the water.. And they don’t care.. No one cares..."

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hey

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While other people are doing great things, the greatest thing for me is simply my ability to get out of bed in the morning.

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did it for nothing

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Halloween? Halloween

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To you

It's already 12 midnight in Korea so

Happy Birthday, Chris…

I’ve been thinking for a long time about what to write here, because lately my mind is literally filled with different thoughts about everything and I’m trying to focus on my thoughts and emotions… and it seems that I couldn’t come up with anything worthwhile… Not because I have nothing to say, but because I want to tell you too much.

First of all, sorry for no gift this year, I really haven’t had the strength to draw or do any creative work for about a year now.. (yes, since your last birthday) So this time here it will just be my boring text filled with meaningless feelings and experiences.

Secondly, I want to thank you (and I will thank you again, but later) for being in my life.

In this part, I should probably move on to wishes and congratulations, but it seems to me that I want to tell you more, although I don’t know how to express it, but I’ll try.. like open my soul? or whatever it's called…

When I learn something new, it engages me only superficially, but when I try to learn more about it, it captivates me with my head… and even my soul and heart. Just like it was with you. And I still remember that feeling when I got to know you better. Something like a tingling sensation and the realization of “Wow… It seems we are similar in different ways. ” And then.. yes.. in general hahaha sorry, I really feel awkward trying to describe my emotions. And you know, I always believed in miracles, but 2 years ago I stopped... But now I want to believe in it again, at least for one day... October 3rd..

And now it’s been almost 2 years since you’ve been here.. In my head, soul and heart, and this is such a pleasant and warm feeling. It's like I have a distant friend who's a little offended by me because you never write to me. This is weird? It's definitely weird. But what can I do about the fact that my heart feels this way?

And here I still want to put a wish for you, or rather a small reminder and repeat my words from last year..

You deserve every star in the sky.

You deserve every little moment of happiness.

You deserve the whole world.

I could write a whole book here describing everything that I feel now, but I don’t want to take away such precious time for you… So...

Happy Birthday, Chris...

Thank you for being who you are, for your warmth, confidence, perseverance and wisdom. Thank you for your precious smile and those deep, beautiful eyes. Thank you for your fluffy curls and those cute little freckles…

Thank you for being with me, at least in my heart…

and…

I love you

April

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his smile 😭

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i wanna die right here

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some random old shit 2

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some random old shit

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I'm really thinking about disappearing now

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The time is 10:55 pm.. I don't know where to start but I feel the need to speak out.

Lol so stupid, what's the point of doing this, but maybe it will make me feel better haha

In recent days, I have made too many mistakes and made completely idiotic decisions. And I'm just trying to understand what it all means and why I'm doing this.. And I seem to have quite successfully understood why everything is the way it is.

So... I dont feel anything. And what is happiness anyway? Ok, the sun is shining, I'm listening to my favorite music or eating something tasty... Everything has become.. Gray? Nothing else matters. I stopped eating because it doesn't bring any pleasure, and the music now sounds like one stream of white noise.

But still there is one feeling that I feel very strongly and constantly. It is a pain. I'm so used to it that I don't even notice.. I really want to break out. Feel anything other than pain. And again I'm waiting for when I break.

I just want to disappear, what's the point of my existence..

Oh fuck it

Nevermind