arguingwithmyselfagain

[arguingwithmyselfagain]

Reverberating Heartache

There was a hearse parked next to me on campus yesterday. It was decked out with stickers, some emo kid was obviously driving it as a lark. It made me think of my dad. (He's been a funeral director for 60 years.) I started to take pictures of it, to send to him. Then I remembered that reaching out, sending pics, would make him think we were ok again. It'd make him think that I was getting closer to forgiving him, instead of the truth- which becomes clearer every day (especially on days when I find hearses to show him)- I might forgive him, I will forgive him. But things are never going to be ok again.

I'm never going to send pics to him again, I'm never going to try to be friendly with him again. I can't. Because relationships have to have two sides to them. And he doesn't do his part. He doesn't hold up his end of the deal. He doesn't even know how!* So I can't hold up my end anymore. I can't keep sending pics, reaching out to say hello. I can't think about how to make him smile or laugh. He broke me. He shattered my life. And his narcissism keeps him from seeing the damage he caused. If I forgive him, if I go back to sending hearse pics to make him laugh, he forgets the damage he caused. (Not that he spends time thinking of it, anyway.... Not like I do.)

I've always done my part, and it's allowed him to ignore the problem, ignore my needs. It's allowed him to disrespect me, to see me as less-than. So my part has to stop. And that is so much harder than I expected.

I have this pang- this... reverberating heartache. I WANT this relationship. I WANT him to be my dad, to love me, to tell me everything's ok. I want him to tell me he understands what he's done, that he empathizes with my pain. I want him to tell me that he'll stop. That he'll do better.

But he won't.

Because he can't.

Because he doesn't know how.

Because no one ever made him grow up. Evolve. Empathize.

*No one ever showed him how to really love someone.

So I have to settle for a one-sided relationship, or I have to end it. Those are my choices.

My choices are bullshit.

My choices are hurting my dad, my mom, my aunt, my brother. They're devastating me. Because I can't pass a hearse- can't pass an old-timey car, I can't hear an old 60s song or see a boy with his dog- without thinking about him. Without feeling all that heartache AGAIN. And AGAIN. and AGAIN.

All I ever wanted was a father. He was there every day of my life. He slept in the next room, we watched the same tv, talked to the same people. And all that time, every moment of my life, he chose not to treat me as anything but less-than. He chose to be... not a father, but just an authority figure to fear and respect.

He never saw me. He never learned the names of my friends. Never asked what I was doing in school... He was right there, but a million miles away. Looking down on me the whole time, not caring to see me.

And I have to go through all of this- all the reminders of why I've cut him out- every time I think of him. Just so I don't let him back in.

He's already got his hooks in me- and it would be so much easier to just submit, let him back in and have the regular amount of pain- pushed down by a mound of denial. Gods that's so much easier.

Am I doing the right thing?

The other part of this is seeing the pain on my mom and aunt. Knowing that it would lessen, or be easier for them to bare, if I submit. Jesus, they look worse every time I see them. The stress is killing them, quite literally.

What's worse? (What is healthier for me?) Mounds of denial and the pokes and jabs of his narcissism? Or this reverberating heartache? Someone tell me-- because I really, truly don't know anymore.

[arguingwithmyselfagain]

What is this?

Somedays I just can't believe this is my life now.

I suppose it's been my life for awhile, I was just in too much denial to see it. But my family is just an imprint of what it used to be. It's a sandcastle after the tide has come in.

My dad is a narcissist. Something I should have seen long, long ago. Because WOW is it obvious. I knew he was difficult. I just didn't realize how shallow he is. How shallow his love can be. How unreliable his love can be. All thanks to his own insecurities.

My mom and aunt have been gaslit so long that they don't even know what is real and what isn't. And the stress of it all, of reality bumping against their denial, is killing them. Literally. My moms in such bad shape. And there's not a goddamn thing I can do about it accept sit and watch her fall apart because she's not ready to deal with the truth.

Brother B, the sympathetic, empathetic soul who loves everyone deeply and has never known a stranger- often to his own detriment. Who finds the good in everyone and always sees the bright-side. Well, he's a hard core Trump supporter who just doesn't see the light. His kindness just gets him emotionally grifted again and again.

His son is just gone. The nephew that made me an aunt. The one I dreamed for and yearned to be closer to- with a gentle heart and kindness oozing from every pore. Gone.

Brother C and his family are- let's face it- strangers to me. They never wanted me to be a part of their lives and I've finally given up trying to be accepted, trying to be wanted, by them.

These people just aren't the ones I thought I knew the last 39 years. Did they change? Did I? Or did I just not see them for who they really are?

I don't even have a lap cat to help me through it all. Because I lost him in the midst of all this bullshit

I read a PostSecrets once that said "Everyone who knew me before 9/11 thinks I'm dead." and I just thought; Fuck that's liberating.

[arguingwithmyselfagain]

Evil

Talked to my brother again last night. Apparently his new step-kids are angry with him. I asked what happened:

Bro: Oh, they come in, shouting at their mother, tearing her down. Then she feels bad. So I just told them I wouldn't stand for it. Then they tell me I'm evil. But all I'm trying to do is stand up for my wife.

Me: "Evil"?? What's that about.

B: Yes! They say I'm evil and mean and that I don't know what I'm talking about.

M: Ok, but... how did they get there? That seems like a jump. If all you're doing is defending your wife, how is that evil.

B: They're just so emotional about everything! Any time I try to talk to them rationally, calmly, they just blow up at me.

M: Well, sometimes, when people feel like they're not being heard, they get emotional. I know you think very logically** and if you're trying to "fix" something, or "correct" it, that might not be what they're after. Maybe just listen to them. Don't try to solve their problems, just let them vent, let them get it all out.

B muttered for a bit about what they do and say and how disrespectful they are. But I really didn't get any more details out of him. It was really strange, because normally he goes on and on and I want him to shut up because he's said the same thing 12 different times. When I told my husband, J, about it, he laughed.

J: Of course they think he's evil!

M: What? Why do you say that?

J: Think about it: he's a big Trump supporter. The kids are gay and trans. I bet he's going on about trans people being "unnatural" or something.

I can't believe I didn't think about that- that's obviously what B was dancing around the whole time, and why he didn't give more details. He knows I'll fight with him about his views, too.

This bums me out so much. B really is a good man with a kind heart. He's been brain-washed by his evangelical church. And now it's costing him a relationship with his new family. I think the advice I gave him was good. I give it to anyone who is fighting with someone else: just listen.

I don't know what to think will happen in this case, though. My family often doesn't take me, or my advice, to heart. And he would have to do a LOT of listening to rinse his brain clear of all those disgusting, anti-DEIA beliefs. But he has proved in the past to be an ok listener, as long as he's not just listening for a pause in which to talk. Urgh. He's complicated.

But I guess this will probably swim around my head as another fight now, too. B- just listen! Just accept that people have different thoughts, desires, ideas, beliefs that you might not share. And that is ok! We don't all need to agree on everything. Variety is the spice of life, or some shit. Just love your gay or trans kid the same way you would if they weren't. Because YOUR normal isn't always someone ELSE'S normal. And that's beautiful!!

** (he is sooooo autistic, but he doesn't believe me when I tell him- my family still think "autism" is a bad word. I can't get through to them. They get really mad when I bring up the fact that most of us are on the spectrum somewhere. Denial just hurts us all.)

[arguingwithmyselfagain]

Special Ed

This conversation with my brother is always on stand-by in my head. I've tried to have it in real life, but he just never hears me. I work in Disability Support Services, so it comes up a LOT.

For context, he helped his gf pull her son (let's call him X) out of special ed because he didn't want the kid to be bullied. Admirable, but ultimately mis-guided.

And to be clear- I hate all the terms that are used to describe "disabilities" and "disabilities support". But it's the terminology my college still uses. Also, trigger warning: R-word used once. I apologize in advance (please see context before you get too mad at me.)

Me: Look, Bro, I get it, you want what's best for the kid. Public schools are sadly under-funded, there's a teacher shortage. You want the kid to get a good education, but if they think he needs those services, it's to help him.

Bro: No, you don't get it. They tell all the kids that they're "disabled" because they disrupt classrooms or they just don't have time for them- if they would just sit down and spend some time with him, he's capable of learning this stuff! I sat with him and helped him and his grades went up.

Me: I'm sure they did- you know how to teach him. He needs a certain teaching method in order to best learn the subject- everyone does! I'd say there's probably 50-60% of people that learn one way, and they do fine in the classroom. Then there are another 10-20% of kids who struggle but have the support or time and home life that allows them to stay on top of their studies. Then there's another 10-20% that need more support. That's where X is, he needs those supports!

B: Exactly! He just needs someone to sit with him, to work with him the right way.

M: B, that's what they're trying to do!!! That's what "special ed" is! It teaches that other 10-20% (probably higher) different study skills to enable them to learn the way they're wired.

B: Well, they shouldn't have to go to "Special Ed" to do it!! He was scared of the way his friends would treat him if he ended up in the retarded class.

M: Let's not call it that, ok? And I understand why he'd be worried, kids with special needs have always been bullied. BUT the move to put them in public schools was huge. Before that, they were sent to private institutions and given no chance at a normal life.

But I digress- you pulling him out of that class pulled him away from the teachers that are trained to instruct him in a manner that works for him.

B: There are more kids in those classes than the teachers can keep up with!

M: There are- again, teacher shortage.

B: So he's not getting the help he needs!

M: But if he stays in the regular classroom, he's likely to fall behind and stay behind because he isn't given the tools he needs to keep up. They take them out of class to give them extra time on exams, to give them a quieter place to take tests so that they're less anxious. They teach different methods of learning.

I see students every day that just need a little more time, a little extra help and they pass with flying colors. Every kid deserves that.

B: That's exactly what he needs!!

M: Then why did you take him out of the class???

B: Because they'll harass him, his friends won't talk to him.

M: Well, that's awful. But it speaks to the bigger problem that we treat people with "special needs" differently. ADHD doesn't make you a freak. Autism Spectrum Disorder doesn't make you a psycho. It just means you need accommodations. That's it. Your brain works differently than the "normies", but there's nothing wrong with that. There are TONS of people out there with these "Disorders".

Side bar: can we stop calling them "Disabilities"???? My college still does, but I know a lot are changing, thank god. It's ridiculous, and it keeps kids/students/people from seeking help.

Ok, back in- There are TONS of people like this. And the more you tell them they're "different" or "slow" or "stupid" the more you contribute to the systemic bullying. When you pulled X from those classes, you basically told a child that it's wrong to have ADHD (which he almost certainly has, btw), that he SHOULD be ashamed, because it puts him in a class with weirdos and slow people. So, for the rest of his life, when he sees people with ADHD or autism or SLD or whatever else, he's going to think there's something wrong with them. That they are somehow "lesser" than the the rest.

B: Well, I hadn't thought of it that way...

M: Worst of all, by pulling him out of those classes, he never got his IEP. He doesn't have proof of accommodations that are needed. If he ever decides to go to college, and they need proof, he will have to pay thousands of dollars to be diagnosed. It'll take months to get in to see someone for that diagnosis. And while he's waiting, he's failing his class because it's just a little bit too fast for him, and he needs help with notes or extra time on his tests.

B: Well then why can't they just give those things to him?!

M: We would love to! But it's not that easy. Accommodations can put more stress on teachers and their lesson plans, and there's still discrimination at the college level. We fight with teachers all the time to make sure students receive their accommodations. Students need advocates to get a fair shot. And when you took X out of that class, you took away his advocates.

B: That wasn't my intention... I wanted to protect him.

M: I know you did. And that's admirable. I'm glad he thinks of you as a hero, because your intentions were great. But please, understand the whole situation. It's very complicated. VERY complicated. And instead of judging kids who need help, try to understand that the system is often rigged against them. Understand that teachers need a lot of help and support. (and to be paid better) and maybe listen to them when they say a kid needs some accommodations. In the end, all accommodations are are safety nets. If you need them, they're there to catch you. If you get your test done without the screen reader and in the same amount of time as your peers, that's great, too. But don't take away a students ability to learn just because you don't understand the whole situation.

And scene.

Too bad he'll never hear any of this. I'm so sick of having this fight in my head.

[arguingwithmyselfagain]

Things I wish he would hear.

I could yell these things until I'm blue in the face, but his brain would translate them to some random "Me Me Me" language that only speaks Narcissist.

Why didn't you ever even try to get to know me? You've had nearly 40 years! I bet you couldn't even tell me what my favorite color is.

You came home every day of my childhood, sure. (Albeit from some affair or another.) But you never asked what I was interested in. I bet you couldn't tell me the name of a single show that was even on the air when I was a kid. Much less one I liked. You never asked about a book I was reading, you never wondered what I was working on in school. But you were there every day.

You weren't drunk.

You weren't the kind of mentally ill that kept you from knowing reality vs. fiction.

You chose to came home every night. You chose to ignore me.

If I wanted to spend time with you, it had to be on your terms. Not mine. I had to watch your shows from the 1960s, or talk about things you were interested in. Because you weren't going to ask me about myself. Why would you take any interest in your only daughter? Why would you give a shit what mutant turtles and rats were up to? Why would you care about an award I got?

You had zero involvement in my childhood.

Then I gave up the next 20 years of my life trying to meet you on your terms. I wanted you to love me, so I made the effort. I went out of my way to learn things that would interest you. Combed for articles I thought you'd like, movies you would watch with me. Not always things I cared about, but I knew you'd like.

You never knew who I was because I molded myself to be who you wanted me to be. And the one second of my life when I showed you- when I told you something I cared about- suddenly I'm dead to you?

You really, truly never loved me. How could you? You never knew who I was. Maybe it's my fault for catering to you all those years. But you spent the first 20 teaching me how to cater to you. Molding me.

And I didn't even notice until it was too late.

And now I get to un-learn the last 40 years, just so I can figure out who the hell I really am, when I don't have you- my narcissistic tumor- clouding every aspect of my being.