ashotofyaeger

[ashotofyaeger]

Issa birthday.

Let’s start with the gratefulness I’m feeling, The gratitude for having people love you so much that they are willing to give you a fraction of their life. To dedicate their time, energy, their everything into you. That’s a beautiful thing and worthy of celebration. For those that adjusted, I thank you. For being so flexible and accommodating to tend to my needs. 

I think that others have this idea of what a good birthday is. They think you need to check the boxes of a cake, balloons, confetti, candles, and the like. But for me, a good birthday is one that knows peace. To be surrounded by those that make me feel most like myself. To be loved purely and genuinely. They give me that, and for that I am thankful. 

[ashotofyaeger]

Shroomin’ 🍄

I skipped therapy last session, just wasn’t in the mindset. But I did something else therapeutic: Magic Mushrooms. I think that $40 was worth more than any therapy session I’ve ever had. And no discredit to my therapist/ counselors. I just mean that the insight I was given - was much more valuable to my current state. I felt important, but minuscule. Like the world is this big living rock, and I’m just this teeny speck on it. But I’m a valuable part of something much larger than myself. I was able to appreciate everything - EVERY LITTLE THING. I felt grateful, fortunate, understanding, enlightened, and dare I was - important and worthy. For the first time in basically ever. I felt important. It’s even strange to type - I’m not even sure i’d feel the same comfort saying it out loud. 

But in that moment, during that trip - I felt the purest form of worth. Something that had been chained up inside of me all this time was finally able to released. And for that, I am grateful. See you again in a few weeks happiness.

[ashotofyaeger]

One Big Rock.

Plants are kind of awesome, aren’t they? They’ve mastered the art of keeping us all alive, and a grand way to reproduce. Each time I eat fruit, I think about how those seeds were supposed to be eaten and then shat out. So that this plant could spread little versions of itself all over the planet. But they also absorb energy from the sun, so ya know - they are the basis of our energy source. We all live off of them, like some real freeloaders because we aren’t epic enough to master the conversion ourself within our evolution. I guess this is kind of a thank you for plants. For everything.

[ashotofyaeger]

Do You Still Want Eggs?

I have left all social media.  I just can’t place my life under the microscope like that any more. I don’t know if it’s because I don’t want to, or I am afraid of the scrutiny that follows wearing your heart on your sleeve, or maybe because I like to be shut off from everyone, social introvert, or simply I’m just too lazy for the upkeep. Either way - it’s gone and it kind of feels good. Kind of. I can’t lie, I do miss the connections with people - but upholding those connections was simply too much. It felt like I had 1000 strands of rope in my hand. Each so big I can barely hang on. And when a rope slipped -  I felt like a failure. Like I had let someone down that was counting on me to be present for them. The lack of that aspect though, the lack of expectation is what leaves me putting the phone down and not showing everyone how awesome my life is.

Or is it?

I mean, I guess that’s where the battle lies now.