ashxax

[ashxax]

I find it funny she doesn’t ask like when I’m eating or shit like that even tho she says she’s helping with my recovery. I’m not saying she should be my personal therapist but it is funny to me

Plus when I’m in a mood she asks a few times then leaves it alone. She’ll ask again yes but still it feel like the bare minimum. Idk what I’m expecting I’m just thinking like you don’t have to force me but atleast have the convo and say that if I keep it to myself that won’t help and stuff. Idk I know I need harsh talking if I’m gonna get better but I don’t wanna get better so it’s wtv

ANDDD it’s weird how much effort the two of us put into helping the other recover. Obvi she shouldn’t do more than she can handle I’m not asking for that but it is kinda crazy when I think about it. Idk just thoughts

[ashxax]

Lowkey it’s been so long since I posted, crazy.

Anyways life update!! Binge and restrict cycle going on rn but I’m pushing through and gaining a bit of discipline again. At gw2 rn but it I’ll weigh again tomorrow to confirm im not crazy

Love my best friend but I’m scared she’ll get feeling for me and it’ll get complicated I mean we have a friends with benefits relationship but I’m like aromantic (or I just hate people idk I haven’t thought of a label) so it would break her heart I think

Need to get on the workout grind again it’s pissing me off oh my god. I have till my birthday to lose 5kg minimum so that won’t be hard

Still kinda lying about the recovery thing. Not fully I mean I tried but I started binging so I’m trying to go back. It’s different with me and her when she recovers she eats either little to nothing or a normal amount. When I recover I binge and get fat so it fucking sucks am I really wrong for trying to go back to @na? Idk it’s weird

[ashxax]

why can’t i eat like a normal person it’s always all or nothing

[ashxax]

I want to hate food. I want to be petrified of eating.

[ashxax]

Is this in purpose? Telling me to eat, not making me fast why’d I tell her the truth I feel sick I could’ve gone longer but I had to eat fuck me im tired I just want to be skinny why is it so hard? I just need to be a bit smaller please. Im begging next week I can do my full fast fuck I feel like cutting out my stomach and thighs

Should’ve just sucked it up and km$ what’s the point I can’t be small I can’t $h so what now? I don’t even have a bad family life so what the hell man. I shouldn’t have listened to her it’s not the same I’m bigger, so much bigger I just need to small up just a bit

[ashxax]

I don’t get it

I have an amazing family

I have a girlfriend

I have lots of friends

People genuinely like me????

I literally barely have any trauma that I can remember

I’m so young

what the fuck happened

why do I do this to my self

people have had worse lives than me

Even my best friend has had a worse life than me and she’s younger than me

so why do I keep attempting?

why do I keep cutting?

why do I keep stressing everyone out????

I don’t get it

I’m such an attention seeker

I’m disgusting

all I want is attention, clearly

I don’t deserve anything for this

if people really knew about all this they would all leave me

I hate myself

[ashxax]

"You're doing it for attention" Also me when anybody finds out

[ashxax]

I need to be more strict on myself

[ashxax]

See I would start drinking but.. sigh I promised my best friend I wouldn’t cause she hates addiction so

need to pick up sm0king or something idk

i need an ad1ct1on atp…

[ashxax]

Inside you there are two wolves…

[ashxax]

Sitting by myself and crying but somehow I just want attention

”I must be faking for attention” I say in complete isolation.

[ashxax]

not eating anything in a house full of everything is not for the weak

[ashxax]

My Motivation To ⭐️rve

◇ To look good in crop tops and shorts

◇ To look cute in baggy clothes, not weird

◇ To feel pure and empty

◇ To be the skinniest sibling

◇ To be light and delicate

◇ To make people concerned

◇ To look effortlessly pretty

◇ To make people stare

◇ To say say my weight aloud without being embarrassed

◇ To feel confident in my body

◇ To make people jealous

◇ To have a flat stomach and defined collarbones

◇ To look pretty without makeup

◇ To have a slim face

◇ To not despise my relection

◇ To feel comfortable in tight clothing

[ashxax]

Ok I don’t hate her I love her I’m worried I’m in the verge of tears I hate myself. I thought I was helping i I want to help I love her so much she deserves so much more that what I can give her

Please if anyone has tips to help her recover please I’m begging

CAN MY MOM GET OUT MY FUCKING EARS OMG BITCH IM BUSY

[ashxax]

I hate her I fucking hate her. She’s lying to me about everything I don’t gaf if she’s ill she’s lying but wants me to get better so I can be fat. Every problem I have doesn’t matter. One little talk and done. Why tf did I talk about my binging fuck her she’s probably laughing. Watching me eat and cry she loves it.

“Getting worse in secret” fine if you want to play that game go ahead. I’m going to be skinnier she’s not doing this to me she’s making me fat she’s lying to me she’s fucking me over fuck her. I’m relapsing idgaf. Doing everything. And when I km$ one day it’s going to be so gruesome and so terrible she’ll have to feel bad. Fuck her fuck myself for believing I could trust her I’m not doing it again with anyone.

I’m going to be better I’m going to be prettier she can’t do this to me. As soon as I get home more steps, harder workouts I’m not doing this she can’t ruin me like this. She’s already more traumatized fuck her I need more

Please if anyone sees this give me ways to traumatize myself I’m not losing this. Distancing myself immediately she’s fucking with me, I can’t win when I’m with her. I can’t be #1 I need to be more.

Im angry after school and all she has to say is “please baby” and I want to tell her everything. But when I fucking beg she insists not to say anything fuck her im gonna cry fuck I hate myself.

So tempted to end it today holy shit I should. But I can’t I need to win I need to be worse. Fine wtv I’ll wait. After I ruin myself I’ll do it. Maybe before my birthday that’ll definitely hurt. I have so much worse to say but I’ll be the bad guy fuck her fuck me I hate myself

[ashxax]

I love when ed blogs follow me. Especially the ones that I love it feels like a celebrity just followed me.

Currently fangirling cause my fav blog followed back on insta and tumblr and answered my dm. If you see this love you water 💕

Getting serious with the wl again. Might go back on my ed tt account but not sure. Will try to do wiead cause I love those

Increasing my steps because I’m getting lazy. Trying to do 20k but I’ll satisfy with 15k cause exams are in a month or so. Not sure about my cal limit cause I’m trying to get out of a binge mindset but yea

[ashxax]

Fuck it. I'm going to start starving myself again. ✨️