autball - Tumblr blog

[autball]

Expanding a bit on last week's post.

[autball]

There seems to be some confusion out there. Hope this helps. 😉

[autball]

I saw a funny post by @emergentdivergence and just HAD to do something with it.

I’m sure most of my followers at least will be just fine. 😉

[Image description:

A 4 panel cartoon by Autball, done in collaboration with David Gray-Hammond.

1: A Red/Purple figure with gray glasses and a lip ring says, “April is Autism Acceptance Month, and you know what that means…”

2: A bunch of NT and ND figures stand all together (some looking happy, some looking not bothered, and some looking quite bothered indeed) while Red/Purple continues offscreen with, “Anyone not accepted by an Autistic person before April 30th will be yeeted into the sun.”

3: Close up of Red/Purple who says, “But don’t worry…”

4: Red/Purple continues, “We’ll only make you work as hard for our acceptance as we’ve had to work for yours.” To the left is a yellow/gold figure holding three heavy books entitled Autistic Communication, Unlearning Ableism, and Masking. To the right is a light blue/blue figure holding three more heavy books entitled Stimming, Autistic Social Skills, and Neurodiversity 101.]

[autball]

A child is having outbursts at school, or at home, or wherever else, on a pretty regular basis. And at some point, someone suggests that they need to learn better coping skills.

They suggest therapy, or maybe there’s even a special program at school. Because yes, better coping skills/self-regulation skills/frustration tolerance really would solve everything, wouldn’t it?

Well those are fine skills to have, to be sure, but more often than not, it’s not what that child (or adult) needs most. What they really need is someone to figure out what’s stressing them out so much and then do something about THAT.

Because it’s not actually weird to be distressed over distressing things. Maybe *you* don’t understand what’s so distressing about school or the grocery store or that new person in the house, but that doesn’t mean *their* distress isn’t legit.

People reeaalllly like to suggest better coping skills for autistic, ADHD, and otherwise ND folks. (Since we already have a diagnosis, it’s that much easier to locate the problem in US.) And what they’re really saying with this an awful lot of the time is, “Can you please stop being so distressed by distressing things because it’s making a lot of work for us and we’re not about to change anything for you.”

So before you put someone in some sort of therapy that will teach them that they’re wrong to be upset about the things that upset them and how to get better at pretending to be okay, maybe consider that you might be expecting them to “cope” with more than they can reasonably be expected to.

[autball]

MASKING MYTHS BUSTED: “Masking = Acting NT.”

FALSE.

Autistic masking does not necessarily mean “pretending to be allistic/neurotypical," although you’d definitely be forgiven for thinking it does.

Non-autistic researchers have been referring to it as “camouflaging” for years, framing it as an intentional choice to suppress autistic traits and replace them with allistic ones in order to “blend in.” Doing an internet search on the term will return several similar results.

But now, Autistic researchers are in the game, and their take is much more nuanced and comprehensive than that. (Funny how that happens, isn’t it?)

They’ve found that:

- It CAN be intentional but is often subconscious and involuntary 

- It is a protective response to trauma and feeling unsafe 

- It is often about suppressing more than just autistic traits 

- It is about identity management and being able to predict how people will treat you, not just “blending in”

Some people will lean into being “the bad kid” because they know that’s what people expect of them. Some people will even act “more autistic” because they know that’s what people expect of them. Others still will do things to attract attention in controllable, more “acceptable” ways to avoid attracting attention in unsafe, more stigmatizing ways. Not because they WANT to be that way, but because it lets them predict people’s responses better, which feels safer.

Also, there are Autistic people who can’t “pass” for non-autistic no matter how hard they try. That doesn’t mean they’re not masking. They may actually be working hard to suppress A LOT, they just can’t do everything to neuronormative standards.

None of these people will be accused of “blending in,” yet they are still masking their hearts out. When we assume they are not, we miss all the harm that masking is causing them. But they are suppressing themselves and suffering the consequences of that just as much as any Autistic person whose mask successfully says, “Hey, I’m just like you!”

(For more on this, please see the work of Dr. Amy Pearson and Kieran Rose.)

[autball]

No one wants to be lied to. When it comes from another adult, you feel betrayed. When it comes from your kids, you feel that PLUS a responsibility to make it stop ASAP, before it becomes a “thing” that reflects badly on you as a parent. 

But a lot of people are going about doing that all wrong. Lying is actually a normal developmental milestone that starts when kids realize they can know things that other people don’t. Lying is also often a stress response, meaning it’s a symptom of another problem and can even happen involuntarily.

BUT ALSO, some people, and Autistic and ADHD folks in particular, are being accused of lying when that’s not even what’s happening.

Neurodivergent people perceive the world differently. Y’know, because we’re literally wired differently. But I see people assuming their ND kids and partners are lying *all the time* instead of considering the possibility that our different wirings simply led to different perceptions.

Lying is when the person knows that what they're saying is not the truth. If a person truly believes that what they're saying, that their *own perception of the world,* is the truth, that's not really lying, is it?

And it’s not that Autistics and ADHDers are incapable of lying, of course, or that nothing should be done about it if lying truly does become a problem. You’re gonna wanna be sure that’s what you’re dealing with before you try to do anything about it, though.

You’re also gonna need to understand that it’s about more than “moral failing” and “bad character” if you don’t want to make it worse. Because what do you think is gonna happen when you heap a bunch of stress in the form of shame and punishment onto a person who is already struggling with lying as a stress behavior??

And so I present this list of possibilities to consider when your person’s version of events isn’t lining up with yours (or their teacher’s, or their sibling’s, or whomever else it may be).

Related note: If “inconsistencies in reporting” are coming from school, please keep in mind that teachers often don’t see everything that happened to your child with their own eyes (because their attention is pulled in many directions), and that bullies who will rile your kid up on purpose and then lie about what happened are an unfortunate reality for many ND kids. In other words, please don’t assume that your child is the one who has it wrong when their version of events differs from others’ without also considering the reliability/motivations of the other witnesses.

[autball]

It seems like we “individuals with autism” wouldn’t be treated as poorly as we are if person first language did what they think it does.

(For more: https://ausometraining.com/identity-first-language/)

[autball]

What? You can't just go strolling into these situations without a carefully planned out script, can you? 👀

[autball]

Causes of Autism BINGO! (Wrong Answers Only.)

How many have you heard?

(And before anyone comes in with a "WeLL aCtUaLlY," here's a friendly reminder that correlation is not the same as causation. 😉)

[autball]

When you can’t show what you know, people assume you just don’t know anything.

At least that’s how it works for most autistic kids who can’t speak, or can’t control their bodies as much as they’d like to, or can’t answer things “fast enough,” and so on. Because the people who give the tests really don’t want to entertain the idea that their tests might just be garbage sometimes.

Non-speakers who have gained access to communication later in life all tell a similar story: that they experience a mind-body disconnect that makes it hard for them to control their own bodies. That means that they struggle to perform tasks on command, whether it comes from other people or their own minds, and that their bodies will just do things that the person didn’t even mean to do.

And despite the growing number of people who are able to share these stories, most of the People In ChargeTM are still operating under the assumption that if you can’t answer a question or follow an instruction correctly, it’s because you didn’t understand it.

Which means that kids who can’t show what they know because their bodies won’t cooperate are assumed to just not know anything.

Which means they never get to move to the next level of education.

Which means there are millions of children who languish in educational settings that are not academically challenging enough for them- because the problem they have with their bodies is assumed to be a problem with their mind.

But the inaccessibility of assessments is the problem here. As well as the assumptions people make about those who are thought of as “low functioning.” As well as the fact that the majority of autistic kids who can’t speak are still not given alternative means of communication soon enough, if at all.

We can do better. Presume competence. Treat communication like a basic human NEED and a RIGHT, not an optional privilege to be earned. And believe the people who keep telling us as soon as they can, “It’s our bodies, not our minds!”

NOTE: I’ve been wanting to do something on this for a while, and this particular cartoon came together a couple weeks ago while I was listening to “Ido in Autismland” by Ido Kidar. Please do check it out, along with the work of other non-speakers, to learn more about this experience from the people who actually live it. 

https://www.amazon.com/Ido-Autismland-Climbing-Autisms-Silent/dp/0988324709

https://www.amazon.com/Autistic-Boy-Unruly-Body-Autism/dp/B0B7XF3CVT

https://neuroclastic.com/directory-of-nonspeaker-pages-blogs-media/

[autball]

Contrary to popular belief, “hating praise” is not just a PDA thing. There are many reasons it could not sit right with someone.

It’s also assumed that people like this just hate all praise, but that’s not true either. What we hate is feeling manipulated, or lied to, or monitored, etc.

I mean, do you realize how much adults are encouraged to use praise to manipulate kids and people in care?? We’re supposed to use it to get more of the behaviors we like, and to promote a “growth mindset,” and to encourage them to stick with activities we think are good for them, and so on and so on.

That’s so much trying to get people to do what we want them to do! Is it really any wonder that praise could end up feeling disingenuous and manipulative after a while? How often are we just genuinely appreciating something they’ve done or who they are as a person, and how are they to know the difference?

If you have someone in your life who reacts badly when you praise them, maybe take a look at your motivations or the way you’re doing it instead of assuming they are the one with the problem. Maybe there’s something like low self esteem or rejection sensitivity skewing their perception, or maybe their perception is just fine and they’re picking up on your ulterior motives (and they don’t appreciate it!).

And please know that you don’t have to withdraw all praise. Everyone wants to feel like they’re good at *something* and that people like what they do. Just wait until it’s wanted, and make sure it’s genuine, with no expectations attached.

[autball]

Stop worrying so much about what other people are doing with their eyeballs.

And definitely stop giving and withholding diagnoses over it. 👀

[Image description:

An infographic by Autball entitled “What Is the Meaning of Eye Contact?”

Two lists, side by side, black text in white boxes.

First list:

I make eye contact because:

I like the connection;

I want to show you I’m listening;

I feel like I can read you better;

I learned to fake it;

It’s a cultural norm where I’m from;

I want to show respect;

I want to make you feel small;

I’m telling the truth and I want you to know that;

I’m lying but I want you to think I’m not.

Second list:

I avoid eye contact because:

It’s too much connection;

It helps me listen better;

I don’t get anything from it;

I can’t/don’t want to fake it;

It’s a cultural norm where I’m from;

I want to show respect;

I want to make you feel small;

I’m telling the truth and it’s embarrassing;

I’m lying and I can’t pretend I’m not.

White bold text at the bottom reads: Turns out it’s not a reliable indicator of anything, so maybe we could stop making such a big deal out of it.]

[autball]

Autism won today. 😁

[Image description: A 3-panel cartoon by Autball.

1: Close up of Autism (a round, gold figure with loopy squiggles all over) and ADHD (an orange, firework-shaped figure) arm wrestling.

2: They are still arm wrestling, hands a little lower than before, with ADHD looking concerned. Now we can see they have an audience made up of Logic (a blue cube), Anxiety (a green, wiggly blob), Sensory (a rainbow colored orb with eight tendrils), Creativity (a yellow lightbulb-shaped figure), and PDA (a red, spiky figure).

3: The competition is over. Logic announces, “And AUTISM WINS today!” To the left, Autism is flanked by Anxiety and Sensory, who all look happy. Anxiety exclaims, “Yay, routine and predictability it is!” To the right, ADHD is flanked by Creativity and PDA, all looking unhappy. PDA says, “Sorry mate. Maybe we’ll get some chaos and novelty tomorrow.”]

[autball]

All these neurodiversity terms can get confusing, right? So I made something to try to help with that. 

BTW, all these and more can be found in the newly released launch issue of Autistic Revolution which is all about Intro to Neurodiversity type stuff, so go check it out if you haven’t already!

Autistic Revolution with pictures, GIFs, and stimmy videos:

With no moving pictures/GIFs: https://www.flipsnack.com/F58ADDCC5A8/stim-reduced-autistic-revolution-digital-magazine-launch-issue.html?fbclid=IwAR2gNYkJADJbdcnvLBh_s2jyDYSVG37_63_E1TtCa-lfZGsyCKv1A76c40U

(Image descriptions in Alt Text.)

[autball]

I have a shop! 😬

[autball]

I say it counts. 😈

‘Tis the season of big family gatherings with lots of noise and busyness, high expectations around food, and people you might not really like being around but are expected tolerate at least once a year. It’s a lot for anyone, but add in sensory issues or socialization differences and it can quickly cross over into “too much.”

But, there are ways to make it a bit easier on yourself or your loved one, and it’s with accommodations. Stuff like bringing your own safe food, bringing sensory supports, taking time away from the crowd - the list goes on.

Thing is, the hardest part of doing this for most people isn't figuring out what to bring, but feeling okay about accommodating themselves/their loved ones in the first place. It’s hard to deal with the unsolicited opinions, comments, and looks from other people. It’s hard to not let their judgements get to you when you’ve already had to unlearn that stuff yourself. It’s hard to feel like you deserve to be comfortable and have your needs met, too.

So if anyone out there needs to hear it, WE DESERVE COMFORT TOO. Consider this your permission slip to meet those needs and make those accommodations no matter what anyone else thinks about them. We don’t have to care about people’s opinions when they literally don’t know what the fuck they’re talking about, right?

I will legit be bringing my divided plate. And safe foods for my kids. What kinds of accommodations will you be making this year?

[autball]

Are Matrix references too old for Tumblr?

I feel like I'm showing my age with this one. 😬