autistic-business-woman - Tumblr blog

[autistic-business-woman]

Watch "Calm, relaxing Minecraft to fall asleep to - Season 1 - Episode 1" on YouTube

I'm creating a series of videos to help people with anxiety or depression or other issues sleep. I got the idea because my partner has serious sleeping difficulties, and being "alone with his thoughts" is the worst. TV is often to hectic, but we found out just listening to me talking while playing Minecraft works wonders. It is distracting enough to keep his brain from worrying, but peaceful and quiet, so he can relax and become sleepy.

I thought maybe there are more people out there, that might find these videos soothing and helpful. So I'm doing a whole season.

[autistic-business-woman]

Thank you for this great addition, @stimmybinnie. 

How to protect your autistic employees from NO SCRIPT FOUND situations

Something all the autistics I’ve worked with so far struggled with (including myself) are flexibility of thought, multitasking and quick decision making, especially under pressure. Below I write about autistic people in general, but of course not everything will be true for every autistic person out there.

If you want to break an autistic person and deplete all their energy as quickly as possible, then you put them in a job where things go fast, new, unusual tasks suddenly pop up and require quick, bold decisions and improvised solutions.

Why is that? In essence, it all comes down to one core thing: Autistic people need a plan, a script to follow, and they need it for everything, also for small things that most neurotypical people do spontaneously and without thinking.

I don’t mean that you as a superior have to provide these plans, and I don’t mean technical instructions. The plans I’m talking about are plans for handling “How to ask John about his weekend”, “How to start explaining what I’ve been doing at the stand-up meeting”, “How to walk past this group of colleagues without looking like a fool”, “How to order coffee instead of tea with my roll”, or even “How to look happy and pleased when receiving this gift”. It’s a premade plan in the autistic person’s memory, basically a recording of a simulation they’ve run inside their head beforehand. And I repeat: Autistic people need this premade simulation for everything. EVERYTHING.

Many autistic people have a huge number of plans for all kinds of problems, dialogues and scenarios archived inside of their heads, and if a script’s been run many times before, it can slowly be adjusted and applied to new, related situations or problems. The more scripts a person has and can work with, the more “flexible” they seem, so often this goes hand in hand with being older and more experienced. In reality, the scripts are not flexible at all though, which is why multitasking is almost impossible for most autistic people - the scripts were meant to be run on their own.

So what happens if you surprise an autistic person with something they have no scripts for?

If you are lucky, the person has a script for a similar situation they try to use instead, so they manage to handle the situation, but the way they act might seem “off”. Maybe they say strange things, or they are either too formal or not formal enough, too funny/relaxed or too serious and tense. This is, of course, because this script was not made for this situation - it was just their best fit.

If you are less lucky, the autistic person cannot find any script that matches the situation and their brain goes into “NO SCRIPT FOUND emergency mode”. They immediately become very tense, some freeze and go quiet, some start to stutter and fidget, some might tear up, and some will just stare at something and not be able to speak.

If the situation is very quiet and relaxed and there is a lot of mutual trust, then an autistic person might be able to work out a new script there and then, but be very patient.

Avoid surprising autistic people. Even when they can handle the situation, it will probably stress them out unnecessarily and cost them extra mental energy.

If you have autistic employees, it is your job as a superior to protect them, so they can do their job properly - and believe me, autistic people can be brilliant at what they do, if given the right environment.

So how do I protect my autistic employees from surprises? A few examples.

You’re at a meeting with the director, and they would love to see this new neat feature in the software you’re working on. Don’t suggest to just “pop over” to your autistic programmer, so they can show you! Depending on the person, you might either send them straight into a shutdown, or at least exhaust them for the rest of the day. 

If you have autistic people attending a meeting, make sure they know beforehand what the meeting is about, what their role is, and what they are expected to contribute.

Don’t expect your autistic employees to make instant decisions. This also goes for non-work related things, like sticking a head into their office while on the phone with the pizza delivery guy and asking if they want anything. Give them time to think things through before making a decision, or don’t ask at all. Make sure your other employees are aware of this, too.

Make sure your autistic employees don’t get pranked or surprised, not even if it’s something positive, like decoration or a gift for their birthday. Most autistics have scripts ready for when people wish them a Happy Birthday, but everything else might send them into a NO SCRIPT FOUND situation.

In general: Don’t surprise your autistic employees with critical questions, challenges, decisions etc. unless absolutely necessary. 

Ask them if they have the mental capacity to talk about this / solve this / decide this now, or if you should come back at a specific time you both agree on.

If possible you can also offer to send a summary via mail, and ask them to get back to you in person as soon as they’ve read and processed the issue at hand. Make sure to include if it’s urgent or less so.

If you are not autistic yourself, you might forget the “no surprises” rule sometimes, especially in the beginning. Or you might find yourself in a situation that urgent that you simply can’t give any heads ups first. It happens, and as long as it doesn’t happen often, most autistics can handle this when they are stable and mentally rested.

Sometimes it’s hard to tell if they are (rested), though, and especially women are often really good at hiding their mental exhaustion.

Remember this:

If you address your autistic employee, and they either do not respond at all (blank stare), freeze up, just go quiet and do not say anything for a long time, or begin to fidget, stutter or shake, then chances are high they are in a NO SCRIPT FOUND emergency mode or in shutdown. 

It is crucial that you remember that the autistic person is NOT ABLE to respond. They are blocked, and there is nothing they can do, no matter how hard they try.

They are also extremely vulnerable in this situation, so whatever you do, do NOT get angry or respond impatient or irritated. Do NOT put more pressure on them. It won’t help. My personal recommendation in this situation is to say as friendly and calmly as possible: “It’s okay, I understand you’re unable to respond. Let me know when you’re ready, okay?” Then let them recover in peace.

The most important part is to make sure the autistic person feels that it is fine for them to take their time and recover.

Many autistic people have trauma caused by people telling them that they are worthless burdens, that they are not trying hard enough, are lazy, or even deliberately trying to cause problems.

[autistic-business-woman]

All of the above. Also, there is an older generation where the majority of women were stay at home mothers, or only worked part time. The chance of running into serious issues caused by their autism is smaller in such a setting.

Then there are all the cases like my own. My “story” growing up was amazingly similar to what my own son went through, but where he was screened for autism, ADHD and other disorders right away, I was simply put on antidepressants, and all the doctors kept talking about my hormones, “typical girl mood swings” and trouble adjusting to my new body in puberty.

There's no logical reason why autism would affect more men than women.

If statistics show that men are more likely to be autistic, then it's because the majority of autistic women are undiagnosed.

[autistic-business-woman]

This is very important.

If you have a suspicion your kid is autistic, you need to follow up.

This was my parents’ mistake. My parents “didn’t think it was a problem” and chose not to get me diagnosed. They weren’t bad parents, but being a good parent to an allistic child is not the same as being a good one to an autistic child.

I have emotional abuse symptoms. I get anxious when I hear footsteps outside my door. My heart rate jumps when I hear garage doors open. My parents were never mean, my parents apologized if they ever snapped at me or said something out of line, my parents spelled out that they loved me constantly.

But my parents forced me to talk when I was nonverbal. My parents left me sitting at the kitchen table for hours in attempt to make me eat foods I couldn’t. My parents scolded me for leaving my own birthday parties to hide in my room because I was overwhelmed. My parents pulled me out of my hyperfocus when I was trying to do homework. My parents didn’t allow me to stim or doodle during things like church or school. My parents got irritated if I wore earplugs or headphones to drown out the noise of our constantly noisy household. My parents once took my bedroom door off its hinges for two days because I kept closing it when they told me not to.

When you’re a parent, and you’re trying your best and you’re doing everything out of all the parenting books, you need to understand that autistic children are not in the parenting books. They play by different rules. And things that might work for allistic children could be permanently damaging for autistics.

If you have a suspicion or a feeling, get your kid diagnosed. Research autism symptoms. Parent them accordingly.

Because if you don’t you could be breaking that relationship completely and not even knowing it.

[autistic-business-woman]

Jan 25/26 - Journal

Saturday I slept for a whopping 12 hours, and I really needed it. I could have slept longer, but since it was my weekend with Bill, and I still had to get a few things in my house done first, I had set an alarm for 10 am.

 I did some laundry and cleaning, had a nice cup of coffee on the sofa (with soy milk foam - I love the texture) while browsing funny pictures on the web. Then I did a little workout and had a shower. At this point I was already behind my schedule, so I wrote to Bill that I would take a later train (we had left this possibility open, so this was not something that came out of the blue).

 I'm not bad at estimating how long something will take. I'm very good at being on time when it really matters, but in private it's often about priorities, and my highest priority is typically stress reduction. So I wanted to take my time in the shower, I wanted to do my hair and makeup nicely and choose the right clothes and accessories, both to feel good in my own skin, and of course to look good for Bill. And honestly, this is one major perk of living apart: It keeps your marriage fresh and exciting, even after over six years, there is no everyday dullness in sight.

 I wasn't too lucky with the train. There was a group of at least ten very chatty teenagers in the same wagon, and the noise was rather irritating, even though I had my noise cancelling headphones on. I could really feel that I still had trouble tolerating many people, and when I arrived at the station my mood was rather low and I had a headache.

 Bill was a bit behind schedule as well. He wrote that he was still in the shop around the corner, so I started to walk in his direction. After a while I get a text from him. I grab my phone, stare at the text: "I can see you and ur fanny" I'm seriously confused for a second. I look up and see Bill waving, then I burst out laughing. He'd been in a rush and texting blindly while walking. This seriously just fixed my mood in two seconds.

We had a great weekend, and I tell you, Bill is a master of making burgers, even though he's no good at cooking otherwise. I got to relax a lot, slept a lot again on Sunday, and even though a weekend alone would have been even better for me, I feel I'm rested enough to get through this week without any major problems.

[autistic-business-woman]

Such a good and fitting story, @bat-to-da-robs!

I once shared one of my own stories that was a prime example of this too, but it’s “hidden” in one of my journals, so here it is separately:

When I was about 15 years old, I was in a small local shop with my mom. My mom meets a woman she had not seen for a couple of years. They start chatting, and my mom introduces me to her. I shake her hand and my brain pretty much just shuts down. I stare at her, open my mouth, close it again, open it again. Then I say “Thank you very much.” The woman looks completely puzzled, then forces a smile. I feel so tense, so stressed out, so embarrassed, I feel I’m about to cry, so I turn around and run outside.

My brain simply couldn’t find a matching script, but knew it had to be one of those “empty social phrases”, so the matching wheel of fortune was spun…

How to protect your autistic employees from NO SCRIPT FOUND situations

Something all the autistics I’ve worked with so far struggled with (including myself) are flexibility of thought, multitasking and quick decision making, especially under pressure. Below I write about autistic people in general, but of course not everything will be true for every autistic person out there.

If you want to break an autistic person and deplete all their energy as quickly as possible, then you put them in a job where things go fast, new, unusual tasks suddenly pop up and require quick, bold decisions and improvised solutions.

Why is that? In essence, it all comes down to one core thing: Autistic people need a plan, a script to follow, and they need it for everything, also for small things that most neurotypical people do spontaneously and without thinking.

I don’t mean that you as a superior have to provide these plans, and I don’t mean technical instructions. The plans I’m talking about are plans for handling “How to ask John about his weekend”, “How to start explaining what I’ve been doing at the stand-up meeting”, “How to walk past this group of colleagues without looking like a fool”, “How to order coffee instead of tea with my roll”, or even “How to look happy and pleased when receiving this gift”. It’s a premade plan in the autistic person’s memory, basically a recording of a simulation they’ve run inside their head beforehand. And I repeat: Autistic people need this premade simulation for everything. EVERYTHING.

Many autistic people have a huge number of plans for all kinds of problems, dialogues and scenarios archived inside of their heads, and if a script’s been run many times before, it can slowly be adjusted and applied to new, related situations or problems. The more scripts a person has and can work with, the more “flexible” they seem, so often this goes hand in hand with being older and more experienced. In reality, the scripts are not flexible at all though, which is why multitasking is almost impossible for most autistic people - the scripts were meant to be run on their own.

So what happens if you surprise an autistic person with something they have no scripts for?

If you are lucky, the person has a script for a similar situation they try to use instead, so they manage to handle the situation, but the way they act might seem “off”. Maybe they say strange things, or they are either too formal or not formal enough, too funny/relaxed or too serious and tense. This is, of course, because this script was not made for this situation - it was just their best fit.

If you are less lucky, the autistic person cannot find any script that matches the situation and their brain goes into “NO SCRIPT FOUND emergency mode”. They immediately become very tense, some freeze and go quiet, some start to stutter and fidget, some might tear up, and some will just stare at something and not be able to speak.

If the situation is very quiet and relaxed and there is a lot of mutual trust, then an autistic person might be able to work out a new script there and then, but be very patient.

Avoid surprising autistic people. Even when they can handle the situation, it will probably stress them out unnecessarily and cost them extra mental energy.

If you have autistic employees, it is your job as a superior to protect them, so they can do their job properly - and believe me, autistic people can be brilliant at what they do, if given the right environment.

So how do I protect my autistic employees from surprises? A few examples.

You’re at a meeting with the director, and they would love to see this new neat feature in the software you’re working on. Don’t suggest to just “pop over” to your autistic programmer, so they can show you! Depending on the person, you might either send them straight into a shutdown, or at least exhaust them for the rest of the day. 

If you have autistic people attending a meeting, make sure they know beforehand what the meeting is about, what their role is, and what they are expected to contribute.

Don’t expect your autistic employees to make instant decisions. This also goes for non-work related things, like sticking a head into their office while on the phone with the pizza delivery guy and asking if they want anything. Give them time to think things through before making a decision, or don’t ask at all. Make sure your other employees are aware of this, too.

Make sure your autistic employees don’t get pranked or surprised, not even if it’s something positive, like decoration or a gift for their birthday. Most autistics have scripts ready for when people wish them a Happy Birthday, but everything else might send them into a NO SCRIPT FOUND situation.

In general: Don’t surprise your autistic employees with critical questions, challenges, decisions etc. unless absolutely necessary. 

Ask them if they have the mental capacity to talk about this / solve this / decide this now, or if you should come back at a specific time you both agree on.

If possible you can also offer to send a summary via mail, and ask them to get back to you in person as soon as they’ve read and processed the issue at hand. Make sure to include if it’s urgent or less so.

If you are not autistic yourself, you might forget the “no surprises” rule sometimes, especially in the beginning. Or you might find yourself in a situation that urgent that you simply can’t give any heads ups first. It happens, and as long as it doesn’t happen often, most autistics can handle this when they are stable and mentally rested.

Sometimes it’s hard to tell if they are (rested), though, and especially women are often really good at hiding their mental exhaustion.

Remember this:

If you address your autistic employee, and they either do not respond at all (blank stare), freeze up, just go quiet and do not say anything for a long time, or begin to fidget, stutter or shake, then chances are high they are in a NO SCRIPT FOUND emergency mode or in shutdown. 

It is crucial that you remember that the autistic person is NOT ABLE to respond. They are blocked, and there is nothing they can do, no matter how hard they try.

They are also extremely vulnerable in this situation, so whatever you do, do NOT get angry or respond impatient or irritated. Do NOT put more pressure on them. It won’t help. My personal recommendation in this situation is to say as friendly and calmly as possible: “It’s okay, I understand you’re unable to respond. Let me know when you’re ready, okay?” Then let them recover in peace.

The most important part is to make sure the autistic person feels that it is fine for them to take their time and recover.

Many autistic people have trauma caused by people telling them that they are worthless burdens, that they are not trying hard enough, are lazy, or even deliberately trying to cause problems.

[autistic-business-woman]

Jan 24 - journal

It's been an exhausting week so far. Yesterday was the only evening I had to myself - or so I thought. This morning I woke up and remembered that I should have baked cake for the school event tonight.

 It was pure luck I had just enough butter and flour, so I skipped my shower and attended the first meeting over the phone while the cake was in the oven - but only after spending half an hour lost in thought, thinking about what to do and how to disappoint and inconvenient as few people as possible.

 It was a good solution, but I don't like attending meetings on the phone or on skype, and it doesn't even matter if there is video or not. I would probably get used to it if I did it as often as Bill (who pretty much seems to be in phone meetings whenever he gets home or drives back to his own house), but at the moment it doesn't happen that often.

 I'm not actually sure why I feel more tense when attending meetings on the phone, I just am, and they are much more exhausting than they would be in person. I do believe that I have auditory processing issues, which I usually compensate for by watching people closely when they speak, so this might be one possible reason. On the phone I need to concentrate much more in order to understand what people are saying, which leaves me with less mental capacity for what the meeting is actually about.

 (By the way, the first couple of times I had to attend a meeting on the phone, I was so nervous and tense I was shaking - probably because I had no scripts that were made for phone meetings yet.)

 Luckily the rest of the day went smoothly and was not too busy, which was great, considering I have three hours unfamiliar work in a crowded, noisy school ahead of me - with the only break being a 20 minute walk from the office to the school.

I will be very exhausted tonight. I can actually feel that I'm pretty close to where my energy levels start to become critically low. I will get home at about 9 pm, probably go straight to bed and sleep forever (until 10 or 11) tomorrow. Then a quick shower, then I'll be on my way to Bill's house. It feels like it's been ages since we last had one of our "tiny holidays".

 Bill's warned. He knows I will be very exhausted, so he will do the shopping and cooking and bring me coffee and ice cream and all that. He also knows that he will have to hold back with teasing me, and that  I might have a really hard time making decisions and finding out what I want to do. When my energy is depleted, many of my feelings are getting switched off, so I don't know what I want, how I feel, what I like or dislike. You might think I should know what I like by now, but strangely enough I never trust my memory. Lucky for me, I do trust Bill's.

[autistic-business-woman]

I want to thank you so much for this tumblr. I want to run a business someday and I am always wondering how I can best support my future employees and to help people specifically with autism (because I am) in the work place and this tumblr has shed such a wonderful light on the techniques and strategies that can help!! So thank you very much!!!

Thank you so much! I’m really glad you appreciate the posts and find them useful. I, too, found there is far too little information about autistic people in the workplace, even though we know they are there - diagnosed or not. Especially in IT there are many, and often they are brilliant at what they do BECAUSE they are autistic. So to me, making sure they have the right environment is very important.

All the best, and lots of luck with your business! 

[autistic-business-woman]

What to do when your autistic employee has too many sick days

Let's be honest: Unless you have a medical condition that messes with your immune system (and please make sure that this is not the case), then you shouldn't be sick more often than three, maybe four times a year. So if you have employees that seem to be sick all the time, then you as a superior will (and should) start to wonder what is really going on.

And no. This is not about exposing employees that fake an illness out of laziness - in my experience, this pretty much never happens. This is about helping an employee that is obviously struggling.

 For many autistic people, especially those that grew up undiagnosed, the sad reality is that they grew used to having to lie in order to be heard.

Did it work, when they as a child told their parents they couldn't go to school today, because they were tired? Probably not. They had to fake an illness, tell them they had a huge headache or an upset stomach in order to get that day off from school, that they so desperately needed to keep functioning. They could feel that they simply couldn't cope anymore, but couldn't make parents, teachers and friends understand.

To truly understand how deeply rooted this behavior can be, you need to imagine what this looked like in the life of a child.

As I got older, my mom would openly accuse me of lying (which of course was true), yell at me and call me lazy and phlegmatic. She'd tell me I'd cause nothing but problems, that I was a bad child, that I finally needed to pull myself together, and "what will the teachers think". She forced me to leave the house, even though I was shaking and crying, so I fled to the park or the forest, deeply hurt, feeling guilty and like a huge failure, which finally caused me serious depression and trauma.

If your autistic employee has a sick day every other week, chances are they are not sick, but mentally exhausted (and the reason could be the working environment).

Mental exhaustion can cause stomach ache, cramps, headaches, or even nausea for some people. Others simply feel overwhelmed, tired and depleted, but it doesn't matter, the result is the same: They can't concentrate anymore, they can't do their job, and they know that if they don't take a break NOW that they might become so burned out, that it will take weeks for them to recover. They call in sick, because they don't expect anyone to understand.

 In essence, your autistic employee is running out of mental energy too fast, so the weekend alone is not enough to recharge. As a superior, you want to make sure their energy is not depleted by unnecessary stressors.

You will have to talk to your autistic employee, and this requires a whole lot of sensitiveness. Maybe it doesn't seem like a big deal to you, especially if you're not autistic yourself, but remember what I wrote about what my childhood was like. You don't know what your employee's been through, if they have trauma or not, and how sensitive they are. I've met autistic people that had an amazingly thin skin as soon as things got personal, so you will want to tread very carefully.

Let your employee know beforehand that you'd like to talk about their sick days, but make sure to be very clear that they are not in trouble.

Don't talk about whether they are physically ill when calling in sick. Simply express concern for their well-being, and that you'd like to make sure it's not the working environment that causes them to feel sick.

Ask them if they are comfortable at work. Maybe there is too much light, maybe too little. Maybe they sit in a place where they feel nervous (people in their back, people walking past, too much noise, too cold, too warm, etc.). There are literally a thousand reasons, why an autistic employee could get stressed out by their physical environment.

Remember to ask about the work itself. Is your employee bored, or do they have too much on their plate? Are they stressed out because things are moving too fast? Do they need more help or training, or would they rather work on a different project?

Make sure there are no social issues and that your employee doesn't feel isolated, ignored or even bullied. I've had a young woman skip lunch every day because she couldn't handle going to the cafeteria on her own (she simply had no script for it and needed help the first few times), so these issues can be very real.

 Some autistic people will know what is bothering them. Others will not be sure or not even be able to answer your questions.

Many might need time to process the conversation first, and some have trouble categorizing their own feelings, which can make it hard to pinpoint what is draining their energy. They might figure it out over time though, so it's important to let them know that they can get back to you anytime. In the meantime, remember that it’s better to give your employee one day to recover and come back well rested, than putting pressure on them and keep them in a state of mental exhaustion (and unproductive) for days.

 But what if you've made a lot of changes, and it's still not enough? Fact is, for some autistic people just commuting and being in an office together with a few co-workers is stressful enough.

Here are a couple more things to consider, if everything else fails:

If your autistic employee is doing work that can be done remotely, let them work from home one day a week, or whenever they feel they need to. Most autistic people are extremely dutiful and reliable, and simply giving them the peace and quiet of their own home and removing the stress of traffic or public transportation might be the break they need in order to find a balance. This was the key to success for one of my employees.

I have an employee that only works four days a week and has every Wednesday off. After a lot of trial and error, we realized that he loved being at work (and did a brilliant job), but work, family life and everyday responsibilities were just too much in the long run. He needed this break after two days in order to function.

No matter what you do, make sure your autistic employee knows that it is fine for them to have special agreements. Some were mistreated in the past.

Let them know and feel that they are enough, that they are not lazy and not a burden, and that you are happy to accommodate them, so they can do a great job.

[autistic-business-woman]

Jan 21 - journal

Today started out much better than expected. I felt well-rested and was rather productive at work, even though I knew I had to sit through a long meeting until 8 pm, which made my working day a whopping 12 hours long. The last few hours were also the hardest, because it was a lot of talking, filtering information, and playing the "situation matching game", as I like to call it (basically masking with no breaks).

It's rather exhausting.

I'm not myself at work, this simply wouldn't work. I have a nice collection of masks to wear, and choosing the right one in the right situation sometimes feels like an art form. I've gotten better at it, but I still lack the right balance sometimes, which has had an interesting effect on my reputation in the company.

I've been with this company for many years now, and since I have an exotic last name, many people remember stuff they hear about me. I have degrees in three different fields, published articles and worked on books and magazines, speak several languages and somehow manage to be both very creative and extremely technical, which seem to amaze people.

Well. They don't know that this is the chaotic result of shifting special interests/hyperfocus.

However, I also have a tendency to look very emotionless when I'm dropping my masks, which can happen for a number of reasons. Sometimes I'm too exhausted or tired, sometimes I'm concentrated on something and forget to monitor my facial expressions and body language, and sometimes I'm simply not aware of the fact that someone is looking at me. But no matter the reason, in this state people perceive me as very stern and cold. In combination with what people know about my "achievements", the result is that I'm often met with cautious respect.

This is both good and bad to be honest. I've switched departments three times within a rather short time, and the way I'm perceived is actually brilliant when it comes to new superiors or other leaders on the same organizational level. They take me seriously, but are usually confident enough not to be intimidated.

For my own employees it is more complicated though. Especially very young or insecure employees almost seem to be scared of me, even though I try to put extra effort into chatting with them, smiling and looking friendly. It's a shame, since my real state of mind looks more like a fox on a trampoline.

So yeah. That's something I'm working on a lot these days.

[autistic-business-woman]

How to protect your autistic employees from NO SCRIPT FOUND situations

Something all the autistics I've worked with so far struggled with (including myself) are flexibility of thought, multitasking and quick decision making, especially under pressure. Below I write about autistic people in general, but of course not everything will be true for every autistic person out there.

 If you want to break an autistic person and deplete all their energy as quickly as possible, then you put them in a job where things go fast, new, unusual tasks suddenly pop up and require quick, bold decisions and improvised solutions.

Why is that? In essence, it all comes down to one core thing: Autistic people need a plan, a script to follow, and they need it for everything, also for small things that most neurotypical people do spontaneously and without thinking.

I don't mean that you as a superior have to provide these plans, and I don't mean technical instructions. The plans I'm talking about are plans for handling "How to ask John about his weekend", "How to start explaining what I've been doing at the stand-up meeting", "How to walk past this group of colleagues without looking like a fool", "How to order coffee instead of tea with my roll", or even "How to look happy and pleased when receiving this gift". It's a premade plan in the autistic person's memory, basically a recording of a simulation they've run inside their head beforehand. And I repeat: Autistic people need this premade simulation for everything. EVERYTHING.

Many autistic people have a huge number of plans for all kinds of problems, dialogues and scenarios archived inside of their heads, and if a script's been run many times before, it can slowly be adjusted and applied to new, related situations or problems. The more scripts a person has and can work with, the more "flexible" they seem, so often this goes hand in hand with being older and more experienced. In reality, the scripts are not flexible at all though, which is why multitasking is almost impossible for most autistic people - the scripts were meant to be run on their own.

So what happens if you surprise an autistic person with something they have no scripts for?

If you are lucky, the person has a script for a similar situation they try to use instead, so they manage to handle the situation, but the way they act might seem "off". Maybe they say strange things, or they are either too formal or not formal enough, too funny/relaxed or too serious and tense. This is, of course, because this script was not made for this situation - it was just their best fit.

If you are less lucky, the autistic person cannot find any script that matches the situation and their brain goes into "NO SCRIPT FOUND emergency mode". They immediately become very tense, some freeze and go quiet, some start to stutter and fidget, some might tear up, and some will just stare at something and not be able to speak.

If the situation is very quiet and relaxed and there is a lot of mutual trust, then an autistic person might be able to work out a new script there and then, but be very patient.

Avoid surprising autistic people. Even when they can handle the situation, it will probably stress them out unnecessarily and cost them extra mental energy.

If you have autistic employees, it is your job as a superior to protect them, so they can do their job properly - and believe me, autistic people can be brilliant at what they do, if given the right environment.

 So how do I protect my autistic employees from surprises? A few examples.

You're at a meeting with the director, and they would love to see this new neat feature in the software you're working on. Don't suggest to just "pop over" to your autistic programmer, so they can show you! Depending on the person, you might either send them straight into a shutdown, or at least exhaust them for the rest of the day. 

If you have autistic people attending a meeting, make sure they know beforehand what the meeting is about, what their role is, and what they are expected to contribute.

Don't expect your autistic employees to make instant decisions. This also goes for non-work related things, like sticking a head into their office while on the phone with the pizza delivery guy and asking if they want anything. Give them time to think things through before making a decision, or don't ask at all. Make sure your other employees are aware of this, too.

Make sure your autistic employees don't get pranked or surprised, not even if it's something positive, like decoration or a gift for their birthday. Most autistics have scripts ready for when people wish them a Happy Birthday, but everything else might send them into a NO SCRIPT FOUND situation.

In general: Don't surprise your autistic employees with critical questions, challenges, decisions etc. unless absolutely necessary. 

Ask them if they have the mental capacity to talk about this / solve this / decide this now, or if you should come back at a specific time you both agree on.

If possible you can also offer to send a summary via mail, and ask them to get back to you in person as soon as they've read and processed the issue at hand. Make sure to include if it's urgent or less so.

 If you are not autistic yourself, you might forget the "no surprises" rule sometimes, especially in the beginning. Or you might find yourself in a situation that urgent that you simply can't give any heads ups first. It happens, and as long as it doesn't happen often, most autistics can handle this when they are stable and mentally rested.

Sometimes it's hard to tell if they are (rested), though, and especially women are often really good at hiding their mental exhaustion.

 Remember this:

If you address your autistic employee, and they either do not respond at all (blank stare), freeze up, just go quiet and do not say anything for a long time, or begin to fidget, stutter or shake, then chances are high they are in a NO SCRIPT FOUND emergency mode or in shutdown. 

It is crucial that you remember that the autistic person is NOT ABLE to respond. They are blocked, and there is nothing they can do, no matter how hard they try.

They are also extremely vulnerable in this situation, so whatever you do, do NOT get angry or respond impatient or irritated. Do NOT put more pressure on them. It won’t help. My personal recommendation in this situation is to say as friendly and calmly as possible: "It's okay, I understand you're unable to respond. Let me know when you're ready, okay?" Then let them recover in peace.

The most important part is to make sure the autistic person feels that it is fine for them to take their time and recover.

Many autistic people have trauma caused by people telling them that they are worthless burdens, that they are not trying hard enough, are lazy, or even deliberately trying to cause problems.

[autistic-business-woman]

What kind of job is it? Is the person struggling, and how? Or are you having trouble with something regarding them, and what is it?

The thing is this: autistic people are very different, and they will struggle with different things. The challenges can be complex, and there can be so many, so it’s hard to just give tips “in general”.

I’m autistic and I have both an autistic teenage son and an autistic employee, so if you could be a bit more specific about what you would like to get help with, I will do what you can to give you some tips that might help.

This is a pretty long shot and off topic, but I know tumblr has a pretty big community of people on the spectrum: one of the associates where I work had autism and I’m working to create a plan that works for him to help him get used to having a job and sucseeding with us. His job coach has given me some feedback but I have no experience working with autism. Does anyone have examples of things jobs have done for them or things to avoid doing? Or even methods to choose words. I’ll take any feedback!

[autistic-business-woman]

This is my daily struggle, the main reason my mental energy is drained slowly throughout the week, and I only survive by having a 100 % quiet weekend without any plans and obligations, lots of sleep and easy comfort food. I carry around about five different masks, and each of them weighs a ton. I don’t know how not to wear a mask anymore, unless I’m all alone in my house. If I can’t avoid having plans over the weekend, I sometimes need a day off from the office to survive the week.

My newest blog!!

"Societal expectations have an enormous impact on an autistic person’s energy levels.  Contrary to what our society pushes, having the goal to look “normal”, or “be indistinguishable from our peers”, is not a good thing.  Having this expectation that we must strive to pass as non-autistic is damaging to the autistic person.  Unfortunately, we learn at a very young age that in order to survive, we must wear a mask.  As a young person, we may not truly understand why we wear that mask; it is almost instinctual, ingrained in our psyche that in order to make it in our society, we must hide our differences.  We become targets if we don’t.  Wearing a mask is exhausting and we can’t always hide who we are.  No one can maintain a mask indefinitely.  At some point, cracks will begin to form.  A person will eventually burnout and crash due to the tremendous toll that wearing a mask takes on a person."

[autistic-business-woman]

Personally I don’t have a huge problem with different kinds of clothing, but many autistic people have. My son for instance needs everything to be stretchy (no feeling of “being trapped or restricted”), soft, and with no tags or rough seams. For shirts big, loose head openings (so he doesn’t feel “strangled”).

Good luck with your project, it’s an awesome idea, and I hope more people will respond.

Asking disabled people

Hey so I’m a fashion student and I want to design clothes explicitly for disabled people but I’m having difficulty finding sources for how to do that? It’s an incredibly sparse research field and it’s hard to look through google for disabled stuff as it is without coming across a LOT of shit so i was wondering if any of yall could help me please

Anyway if any of you are comfortable with it I would really appreciate it if you would tell me what kind of adjustments make clothes easier for you to wear and what absolutely doesn’t work etc

Or if anyone has any sources they could link me to that would be incredible

[autistic-business-woman]

Why I can’t live with my husband

Let's face it, my first marriage mainly failed because of my undiagnosed autism. I felt like a failure, the doctors thought I had all kinds of mental problems and hormonal imbalances (no autism though, no one ever mentioned this possibility), my family was angry and disappointed, and my ex-husband not understanding at all. But let's close this chapter.

 I have two sons with my first husband. Tom, 16 years old and autistic, and Michael, a neurotypical, sporty and very social 14 year old. I met my new husband, Bill, about six years ago, only few months after his twin girls from a short failed relationship were born. They will be 7 years old this year.

 When Bill and I met, I didn't know I was autistic yet. We both owned a house, about 2 hours apart. I had been amazingly stable for a few years, which was probably due to the lifestyle I had instinctively chosen for myself: My own house to be alone in, no relationships, pretty much no friends, minimal contact to my family, quiet, creative hobbies that filled almost all my spare time, a job I had done for so long that everything felt familiar and comfortable.

 Since we lived that far apart and both had kids, Bill and I only saw each other every other weekend. It was great, and those weekends always felt like tiny holidays. We went out, tried new restaurants, cooked together, enjoyed exotic desserts, just sat with a glass of wine and had long, interesting discussions about all kinds of things.

 After about a year Bill found work close to where I live. He didn't sell his house (thank god), but pretty much moved in with me and my boys. And here is where everything started to go wrong.

 I could write a book about this, but I try to keep it short. Within a few months of getting more and more exhausted and mentally drained, I broke down and wanted to break up. We changed a few things, until my next attempt at breaking up out of exhaustion, then the next. It felt very much like back when I was with my first husband, where I simply couldn't handle him anymore, even though I loved him very much. Lucky for me, Bill wasn't like my first husband, and didn't turn away from me as soon as I pushed him away.

 My son Tom was diagnosed with autism, and I realized I was autistic myself. Up to this point, I had not known anything about autism, and would never have suspected I could have it myself (which is amazing, considering all the time I spent at doctors and psychiatrists when I was younger). Finally Bill and I had something to work with, and we could finally understand my struggles on a more logical level.

 We realized and made peace with the fact that we would never be able to live together, as long as some of our children were still living with us. I needed peace and quiet and a lot of space. I needed whole weekends, where I could live in my own inner world, undisturbed, with not a single intruder in my private space, or I had no chance of recharging my mental energy.

 Today Bill and I still have each our own house. He works in my town, so 3-4 days a week he eats dinner and sleeps at my house, but stays at his own house the rest of the time. We speak on the phone every day, and about once every 4-6 weeks we spend a weekend at his house, and have our "tiny holiday" just like back in the day.

 I am infinitely thankful to have found Bill, whom I still love so very much, and who could love me enough to tolerate all my flaws and struggles, and to hold out and make things work together with me. Even though it had always been his dream to share a house and everyday life, to have me with him at family gatherings, on weekends and with friends, he was willing to trade those dreams for what we have today: Our love for each other, quiet evenings in harmony, looking forward to our tiny holidays, seeing each other again, and always having something new and exciting to share and talk about after a few days apart.

[autistic-business-woman]

Jan 19 - Journal Sunday

Sunday was an okay day, after I was back from the meeting I felt very relieved, and I used the opportunity to walk part of my way home, because the sun was shining. When I arrived home, I realized I was mentally exhausted though. I'm always very exhausted Friday evening, after a week at work, so my mental wellbeing depends a lot on the weekends. With few exceptions, I need to make sure I have no plans, can just relax, do my hobbies, and take house work spontaneously and when it fits in.

I had time to grab a cup of coffee, when my husband Bill called. He often calls me while he is doing something "boring", in this case he was cooking dinner. (My husband and I don't live together - click hear to read about the reasons.) Bill told me about what he's been doing, and I noticed I had trouble to focus on what he was telling me. After a while he noticed my lack of response, and I told him truthfully that I felt rather exhausted and that I was lacking energy.

 This was actually a prime example of what mental exhaustion does to me.

 Bill knows me rather well, and he knows my struggles and challenges, even though he doesn't always understands them completely. He asked me why I had not dropped one of the meetings, or at least told the school that I would not be able to help at the event next Friday evening, since I already had work, a workshop that fills a whole evening, therapy with Tom another evening, and plans to spend the next weekend with him (Bill). He mentioned that it would be a shame if I was drained and exhausted on our weekend together.

 I knew he wanted to help me, and that's why he suggested things to improve my mental state. He was sweet and friendly and spoke calmly and carefully, but I still heard an accusation. I felt attacked and criticized, and even though I tried to express my thoughts, after half a sentence my brain started to just shut down and I froze. I tried to pull myself together, to "calm down" so I'd be able to speak again, but this rarely works. Instead I started crying.

 Poor Bill. Luckily he knows me so well, and he's seen similar reactions a hundred times, so he just calmly started to talk about something completely different.

 Looking back at this situation (and similar ones, they are not rare at all!) my reaction seems ridiculous. I told my husband I felt exhausted because I had far too many obligations. He asked me why I didn't say no to some of them, but what my brain turned it into was something like: "How stupid can you be? Why the hell didn't you say no to all this irrelevant stuff? You know damn well you are supposed to be in top shape next weekend, when you are to spend time with ME, which is far more important than Tom's school!" Which of course he didn't say or mean.

[autistic-business-woman]

Jan 18 - Journal Saturday

The weekend was definitely not how I like it. Both Saturday and Sunday morning I had obligations on Tom's school. In both cases this meant lots of people (other parents), fake smiling, compliments and acting as if I was interested in their children's hobbies, sports clubs etc. which, after a full week of work and similar struggles, left me too exhausted to do anything productive, apart from the necessary (laundry, some cleaning, shopping, cooking).

 Saturday was about tidying up and cleaning. Tom was with me, and there were two other teenagers, which I assumed Tom didn't know. However, after a while I realized they were his class mates, and I was really taken aback. He had not greeted them, didn't look at them - they had not exchanged a single word. Later, on our way home, I asked Tom if he had a problem with the two boys, or if he disliked them. He said no. He didn't know them well, but they were friendly enough. I was baffled. We are both autistic, so I understand most of Tom's challenges, but had my social struggles ever been that extreme, that I couldn't even say hello to class mates I've known for five years?

 My conclusion was "maybe". Even though I didn't think so, I also think that I probably don't remember well enough. Tom had not been able to reply to a woman's question about what he wanted to do after school either. He got all tense, stared at his hands, didn't look at her or even turn towards her, stammered for 15-20 seconds, then just shrugged. At that point the woman had already given up, sent me a nervous smile, and concluded that Tom didn't know yet, even though that's not true.

I remember a few of my struggles from when I was about 15 years old. One day I was in a small local shop with my mom, and my mom meets a women she had not seen for a couple of years. They start chatting, and my mom introduces me to her. I shake her hand and my brain pretty much just shuts down. I stare at her, open my mouth, close it again, open it again. Then I say "Thank you very much." The woman looks completely puzzled, then forces a smile. I feel so tense, so stressed out, so embarrassed, I feel I'm about to cry, so I turn around and run outside.

 Sometimes I need to remember how it was for me back then, as a teenager, and maybe Tom's social clumsiness does not even seem that extreme anymore.

 I also remember feeling horrible back then. I had no clue I was autistic, and I often lay awake at night, pondering. I saw my friends growing up and seemingly master "adult behavior", small talk, being polite, attentive, meeting people smiling and laughing, just being part of a smoothly flowing conversation, and I simply could not. I tried so hard, but I failed time and again, froze, said stupid things, got caught in my own brain fog, started crying or had to flee social interactions, which then left me exhausted, hurt and scarred.

 At least Tom knows why he is struggling, and most people around him know why. But sometimes I'm not sure this is always beneficial. I observe that many people give up on him far too quickly ("Oh right, he is autistic, never mind."). If I and the people around me had known I was autistic back when I was a teenager, would I have tried just as hard to adjust and fit in? I don't know. Maybe I would have.

 What I do know is, that I would have less trauma today. And I'm glad Tom won't be left with as many psychological scars as I have.